(no subject)
Chapter Sixteen
At just after five o’clock in the following morning, Lex walked Chloe out to her car, which was still parked in front of the mansion in Smallville. Lex was holding a sleepy Gabrielle, and Chloe was carrying the diaper bag.
“You’re going back to your father’s?” Lex asked, when they paused in front of the car.
Chloe nodded. “Yeah. We’ll spend the morning there and then head back to the city.” She was tired, but not overly so. It was ridiculously early in the morning, but she had woken up and decided she wanted to get back before her father got up.
Although Gabe obviously knew where she’d spent the night, she’d still feel strange coming back from a night with Lex while her father was reading the paper and drinking his morning coffee.
Lex looked fully alert, despite the early hour, but Chloe knew he usually got up about this time anyway. He’d pulled on a pair of pants and the black T-shirt he’d been wearing the previous evening, and he certainly appeared more pulled together than Chloe did in her wrinkled clothes and messy hair.
He didn’t seem tired, but Lex seemed unusually quiet this morning and a little withdrawn. And Chloe wondered how much of it had to do with what had happened between them the previous night.
“All right,” Lex murmured, kissing Gabrielle, who now appeared to be fully asleep, on the forehead and handing her back to Chloe. “I’ll call you later.”
Chloe put Gabrielle in the car seat and made sure the baby was securely fastened before she stood up to face Lex again. “Okay,” Chloe said, feeling a nervous clench in her belly as she looked at Lex’s distant face.
She’d felt so close to him last night, and now he seemed to be pulling away again.
Not wanting things to get weird between them again, Chloe raised a hand and placed her palm on Lex’s chest. “Lex? Are you all right?”
Lex met her eyes and his mouth twitched slightly. “Shall I keep a count of how many times you’ve asked me that in the last twenty-four hours?”
Chloe snorted a little, relieved at the brief flash of ironic humor-proof that Lex wasn’t totally emotionally closing down on her. Giving him a sheepish look, she slid her hand down a little farther, until it was curved around one side of his waist. “I guess I have been asking it a lot,” she mumbled, “But you seem kind of . . . quiet this morning.”
He cocked an eyebrow at her, obviously in an attempt to be his characteristic, suave self. “Are you implying that I normally babble too much?” His voice was dry and even, but Chloe could tell that it was just a ruse. He was slightly tense, uncomfortable. And his eyes seemed as guarded as they had been during the first few months of her pregnancy.
She gave a faint, appreciative smile. “I believe most of the babbling falls on my shoulders,” she admitted. “But I’m serious, Lex. You seem . . . is everything all ri- . . .” She stopped herself before she asked the question again, but she peered up at his face anxiously, her heart swelling in tenderness and protectiveness at the wounds he was hiding behind the defenses which were now obvious to her.
Lex just stared at her, the blue-gray eyes unreadable. He opened his mouth slightly but no words came out.
Suddenly slammed with a possible explanation for his behavior this morning, Chloe felt her throat closing up a little. “Do you . . . do you . . . regret what happened last night?” she managed to ask.
Last night had been really important to her. She realized it already, although she still wasn’t sure exactly why and how it was so significant. And the thought that Lex wouldn’t feel the same way, that he might actually prefer for things to have gone differently, made Chloe feel physically ill.
Lex shook his head. Glanced away from her, just over her shoulder. “No. Of course not. I don’t regret that we were together.” He paused. Swallowed. Looked painfully uncomfortable. “But maybe the way in which we were together.”
And, in that moment, Chloe understood. She realized exactly what Lex meant and why he was acting this way this morning.
Obviously, it wasn’t fucking her that was making him distant and awkward. It was the way he had fucked her. It was how vulnerable he had made himself. It was what he’d exposed to her about his soul, if not in words than in ways that were just as clear. It was how needy he’d been with her last night.
All of that went against the nature Lex had built for himself over the last ten years. And, now that the evening was over, he must be asking himself why he hadn’t been stronger.
She wasn’t sure how to respond to this, even though she perfectly understood it. So she simply said the first thing that came into her mind. “Oh,” she mumbled. “I see. Well, I liked it.”
Lex swallowed again and shifted his eyes until his gaze was holding hers once more. “The sex was obviously . . . incredible,” he admitted, sliding his palm over his shiny scalp. “But I wish I had handled my . . . mood differently. I wish I hadn’t used you so . . . roughly.”
Chloe blinked up at him. She’d thought she knew exactly what he’d meant, but this was a nuance she hadn’t expected. Glancing into the car to make sure Gabrielle was still asleep, she said softly, “You weren’t too rough. I told you I wanted it. I’m kind of sore, but it was all good.”
Lex gave a strange, uncomfortable shrug and twisted his face into a brief, reluctant expression. “I hope so. But I didn’t just mean physically. I just wish I hadn’t taken my . . . mood out on you.”
Chloe let out a breath and slid a hand up to his cheek, recognizing guilt when she saw it, since she experienced more than her share of it. “Lex, don’t be stupid. I was so glad you did. It meant a lot that I could . . . be there for you.”
He looked away from her again. Stared at the hood of the car.
“I’m serious, Lex,” she insisted, seeing a poignant kind of insecurity beneath his falteringly stoic demeanor. “You’ve been there for me so much-you’ve done so much for me and Gabrielle-that sometimes I feel like . . . like . . .” She gulped, feeling a flood of vulnerability and insecurity herself. Pushing her way through it, she continued, “. . . like there’s nothing really I can offer you. You’re always supportive, and patient, and . . .”
Lex shook his head. “I haven’t always been supportive and patient.” A flash of guilt flooded his face. “And it’s not just the obvious things. If you knew what I’ve done . . .”
“I’m not talking about anything in particular,” Chloe interrupted-knowing as well as anyone that Lex wasn’t perfect, that he’d failed her once when she needed him. “But I just mean in general. You helped so much during the pregnancy. And then, for the last few months, you’ve been . . . amazing. And you aren’t pressuring me or expecting something back.” She was on a roll now, the words tumbling out. Pushing her fingers through her tousled hair, she went on, “And sometimes it makes me feel horrible, like I’m taking advantage of you.”
Lex opened his mouth to object, but Chloe kept talking, didn’t let him argue.
“I know you don’t think that, but that’s how I feel. I can’t give you want you want, so it always feels like I’m just taking from you.” She paused, darted a look up at Lex’s face.
He was gazing down at her, his lips slightly parted, as if he couldn’t believe what she was saying.
Feeling a little stupid now for her earnest declaration, she concluded in an embarrassed mumble, “So it’s just that it’s nice that sometimes I can be there for you too. It’s nice that you let me help you last night.”
Lex shook his head. He was actually looking more like himself than he had all morning. The hard barrier had lowered from his expression and his mouth had softened. And he actually looked rather impatient with her now-which she took to be a very good sign, since it was a very characteristic response.
Lowering his brows, he argued, “That’s an absurd attitude. Of course, you’re not always taking from me. I’m getting more than I give in this relationship.”
Chloe shrugged. “I don’t see how, but that’s not really the point. The point is that I feel like I’m always taking. Especially since I can’t give you . . . the one thing you really want.” Before Lex could object to this, she continued, “Anyway, I’m just saying that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Kind of guilty. Like both me and Gabrielle are always kind of . . . obliged to you.”
He shook his head and eyed her in annoyance. “Well, get over it. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.”
She had been feeling tender just a minute ago, but now she was a little annoyed herself. “There’s no reason to be snotty,” she snarled, “I was just explaining how I feel and why I was glad I could be there for you last night. And, while we’re on the subject, you can get over your ridiculous attitude of feeling guilty about the way you . . . were last night.” She’d been about to say something more explicit, but a glance in Gabrielle’s direction made her rephrase her words. “Both of us needed it, and both of us enjoyed it. So there.”
Lex looked angry for a moment, but then something changed on his face. He relaxed. Actually smiled faintly. “Understood.”
They stared at each other for a minute, and Chloe’s brief annoyance vanished completely as she took in Lex’s fond, sheepish expression-an expression so rarely witnessed on his handsome face.
She stood on her tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss onto the side of his mouth. “I’d better get going. I’ll talk to you later.”
Lex nodded and opened the car door for her. “I’ll call you this evening.”
As Chloe drove away, she could see Lex in her rearview mirror: standing on the side of the long driveway, watching them drive away from him, dressed all in black, his bald head sleek and distinctive.
He stood watching until she finally turned the car out of sight.
* * *
“So you and Lex actually . . .” Lois paused abruptly, obviously rephrasing her sentence after a guilty glance over at Gabrielle. “. . . did it? Again?”
Chloe pressed her lips together, her cheeks burning a little. She didn’t know why she’d been feeling so embarrassed recently about her relationship with Lex. She’d never been particularly self-conscious about men or sex before. She and Lois had shared details about sexual encounters for years. But, for the last month or two, Chloe had felt like blushing whenever she referred to anything intimate regarding Lex.
She cleared her throat. Pulled Gabrielle’s hand away from the fistful of Chloe’s hair the baby was pulling. “Yes,” she affirmed. “We did.”
Lois looked torn between amusement, surprise, and delight. “Well, well, well . . .” she began, a familiar taunt in her voice. “So what exactly is going on between the two of you?”
Gabrielle was babbling happily and incoherently, and she made another grab for Chloe’s hair. They were eating an early dinner in a sandwich shop near Chloe’s apartment, two days after Chloe’s weekend in Smallville. Chloe felt exposed and uncomfortable whenever she was out in public now-since she felt hounded by photographers, reporters, and curious lookers-on-but Lois had insisted they do something other than eat leftovers on Chloe’s couch. And this place was quiet and seemed fairly private, so Chloe had actually been enjoying herself.
Gabrielle had been good while Chloe and Lois were eating, but then she’d started getting fussy and restless. So Chloe had moved the baby over to her lap and was idly playing with her while she chatted with Lois.
Trying to distract Gabrielle with her baby spoon to take the place of Chloe’s hair, Chloe gave a shrug in response to Lois’s question. “I . . . don’t really know.”
“So are you changing your mind about him?” Lois persisted, leaning forward and sipping her soft drink.
“I . . . don’t think so,” Chloe admitted, feeling that guilty ache in her belly at the thought. “I mean, we’re getting closer and closer. But it hasn’t moved into that romantic love feeling for me. I mean, if we were in a normal relationship, then I guess I’d think things were progressing well. But I’m just scared that whatever progress we make still won’t take us to . . . where he wants us to be.”
Lois’s eyebrows arched up. “And where’s that?”
As she was squirming, Gabrielle accidentally kicked Chloe in the stomach, making her grunt softly in surprise. “Don’t be obtuse, Lois,” Chloe muttered.
Her eyes widening in an innocent look, Lois insisted, “I mean it. Obviously I know how he feels about you. Despite his annoyingly stoic façade, it’s pretty obvious that he’s absolutely crazy about you. But what I mean is, what do you think he really wants from this relationship?”
Chloe furrowed her brow. Thought for a minute. She didn’t need to think for an answer to her cousin’s question-she’d known it for a while now-but she had to think before she could determine whether she wanted to answer it honestly.
Decided she did. Lois was outspoken and annoying sometimes, but she was trustworthy. Chloe could trust Lois-with Lex’s feelings as well as her own.
“You know,” Chloe began, the tone of her voice changing, “Despite all the darkness, complexity, and cold ambition, Lex is really pretty traditional.”
Lois snorted in disbelief.
With a half-smile, Chloe explained, “I don’t mean in lifestyle or values or anything. I just mean in what he most deeply wants. He’s built his life around money and power and business, but that’s not what he really wants-although he’s not likely to admit it to anyone anymore.”
Lois’s face had changed too. She was watching Chloe almost quietly. “So what does he want? A fairy-tale ending? With you?”
To her disgust, Chloe actually blushed again. Felt absolutely stupid. “Not exactly. He’s too cynical and intelligent to dream about some kind of hackneyed, sappy romance. But he wants . . .” She swallowed hard, feeling inexplicably emotional all of a sudden. “He wants love. He wants . . . a real family.”
Chloe shrugged, having gotten through the part that made her most self-conscious. Concluded matter-of-factly, “Just like you and me. Just like everyone else.”
For once, Lois had no visible mockery in her expression, despite the uncomfortable earnestness of Chloe’s words. She looked a little amused, but not in a scornful way. “And I guess he’s found that, hasn’t he?”
Damn it. Chloe blushed again. Clenched her jaw and made herself remain calm and composed. “Yeah. Sort of. But it’s just hard because it’s not exactly the way he wants it-since I don’t feel exactly the same way.”
Lois made a face and idly reached over to tickle Gabrielle’s chubby belly. “Are you sure you don’t?” Before Chloe could get annoyed, Lois hurried on, “I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m just asking. It’s seems that, for the last few weeks, you’ve been thinking about Lex differently. Are you sure your feelings aren’t transforming into more of what he wants from you?”
Chloe groaned and rubbed her face. “I wish they were. Really I do. I . . . care for him so much. But it just doesn’t feel like that. I really don’t think I’m in denial. I’ve thought and thought about this and tried to be as honest about my feelings as I possibly can.” She let out a textured sigh. “I just don’t think I love him . . . like that.”
Lois shook her head and looked faintly regretful. “You know, Chloe, I don’t know what to think about this. Sometimes, I’m positive you love him. And sometimes I have to conclude you really don’t. And, honestly, I can’t figure out why anyone could have the man she loves offer himself to her as patiently and consistently as he has, but stsill not accept him. Unless she really doesn’t love him.”
Chloe nodded. Felt heavy and kind of sad for the moment. “Yeah.”
“Can you describe exactly how you do feel for . . .”
Chloe was distracted from Lois’s question by the arrival of someone into the sandwich shop.
Mary Carlyle had just walked through the door.
Chloe sucked in her breath and stiffened dramatically. Felt all the resentment she’d felt for the last two weeks boiling up inside her.
Lois whirled around to see what Chloe had just seen.
Mary Carlyle had spotted them immediately and was making her way over toward the corner where their table was situated. The woman was the same age as Chloe, and had gone through college with her. They’d been in the same journalism program, and for some reason Mary had always seen Chloe as her main rival-even though Chloe had never gotten any breaks at all in college, or in her journalistic career afterwards.
Chloe had always felt vague contempt for the woman, but it was only recently that her disgust had blown up into full-fledged rage.
Evidently, the same was true for Lois, because her cousin jumped to her feet so quickly her chair wobbled. Lois’s cheeks were flushed with feeling, and her mouth opened, and Chloe knew that Mary Carlyle was about to be the victim of one of Lois’s universally feared, verbal assaults.
“Lois,” Chloe said, her voice unnaturally cool. “Don’t. I’m perfectly capable of dealing with this on my own.”
Lois made a face, obviously reining herself in but not happy about the necessity to do so.
Mary Carlyle was smirking as she pulled out the spare chair at their table.
“You haven’t been invited to sit,” Chloe said coldly, hugging Gabrielle toward her chest protectively.
Shrugging, Mary Carlyle stood in front of the table instead. “This won’t take long anyway.”
Chloe felt a cold fury course through her, and she instinctively planned out the best strategy for dealing with this woman who had intentionally tried to ruin her life. Then Chloe opened her mouth, prepared to finally put Mary Carlyle in her place.
But the woman interrupted her. “I was just wanted to see if you had a comment about Lex Luthor’s new girlfriend.”
Chloe blinked. Her plan of attack fell out of her mind completely, and her gut dropped in shock and confusion. “What?” she said stupidly.
“Lex Luthor’s new girlfriend,” Mary Carlyle explained, something gleeful and malicious in her eyes. “We’ll be printing the story tomorrow, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to make a comment.”
For a full minute, Chloe couldn’t even comprehend what was being said. Then she started to see a possibility. Maybe someone had figured out that a woman had spent the night with Lex on Saturday, but they were too stupid to realize it was Chloe herself.
Recovering her calm, Chloe raised her eyebrows arrogantly, “I have no comment for you . . . on anything.”
Mary Carlyle chuckled and pulled out a couple of glossy photographs. Laid them on the table in front of Chloe. “Maybe you’ll at least find something to say about these.”
Chloe glanced down at them in annoyance, but then she froze, slammed with a wave of recognition and disbelief.
It was Lex in the photos, and he was in the hallway of a fancy apartment building or hotel. But he wasn’t alone.
He was with a gorgeous, slender, exotic brunette-one that Chloe recognized from the covers of any number of fashion magazines.
Lex’s arm was around the woman, and she was smiling up at him seductively, her hand disappearing inside Lex’s suit jacket. The same suit Lex had been wearing yesterday when he’d dropped by Chloe’s apartment the previous evening, before he’d left for what he’d called a “dinner meeting.”
Chloe blinked. Felt her throat close up. Started to shake inwardly. Had absolutely no words.
Mary Carlyle smiled like a predator. “These were taken this morning. After they’d spent the night together. Are you sure you don’t want to comment on how the father of your child is fucking a supermodel?”
* * *
Gabrielle must have been able to sense Chloe’s distress because, shortly after Mary Carlyle showed Chloe the photographs, the baby’s face screwed up and she let out a few whimpers.
Then she burst into deafening squalls.
Chloe couldn’t seem to think. Couldn’t seem to move. Couldn’t seem to breathe. She instinctively pulled her daughter closer and jostled her a little, but couldn’t begin to murmur anything comforting.
Never in her life had Chloe been so utterly stunned-not even when she’d finally discovered Clark Kent’s secret, all the way back in high school. She’d never been so completely frozen. So utterly without words.
It wasn’t a crisis or a real trauma. Certainly not a life-or-death situation. But it had leveled her in a way she could never remember being leveled before.
Which meant Chloe had no answer for Mary Carlyle. Not even the basest of responses. She wanted to scream. To tear the woman’s hair out. To rip the pictures into shreds and then stomp them into dust. To burst into tears.
To laugh bitterly from the sheer, exquisite irony of it all.
But Chloe found herself incapable of doing any of that.
Couldn’t even force out her automatic, sharp retort toward anyone who cursed in front of her baby.
Mary Carlyle was watching Chloe’s face with a kind of delighted spite, and Chloe could see, in the midst of her horrified stupor, how deep the woman’s resentment against her went.
Chloe opened her mouth. Mary Carlyle had attacked her, and it was Chloe's job to take care of her. If only she could manage to say something-anything-that would shape a somewhat appropriate response.
Chloe tried to speak. Nothing came out but a croak. And it was totally inaudible over Gabrielle’s bawling.
It felt like everything was falling apart. Her life. The world. Everything. Chloe couldn’t hear anything but her baby’s crying.
Couldn’t see anything but Lex with that supermodel.
Feeling pathetic and helpless and as un-Chloe-like as she’d ever been, she turned in silent desperation toward Lois.
Lois understood.
And Lois could act when Chloe was utterly incapable of it. So Lois snatched the photos up and calmly ripped them in half. Silently stuffed the pieces back into the opened pocket of Mary Carlyle’s leather bag.
Then she narrowed her eyes and pinned the woman with a look of cold disgust. “First thing: use language like that in front of the baby again and next time I’ll stuff the pictures in the foul, wretched maw that poses as your mouth.”
Mary Carlyle had been entirely focused on Chloe, and so the attack from the side startled and confused her. Her mouth dropped open slightly as her head jerked in Lois's direction, and she gaped stupidly, her expression like that of a startled fish.
The fog of stupor in Chloe’s mind started to clear just a little, and she felt a tiny thread of something resembling vindictive pleasure, beyond all of her other chaotic emotions.
Although she wished she could have handled this herself-and still planned to do so when she pulled herself together-having Lois take care of things at the moment was better than nothing.
Mary Carlyle took a sidestep away from Lois and looked back at Chloe. “I’m sorry,” she said in blatant insincerity. “Did the pictures bother you? I just wanted to give you a chance to tell your side for the story. Do you have a comment?”
Chloe swallowed so hard it actually hurt her throat. But she managed to meet the woman’s eyes and say frigidly, “No comment.”
Mary Carlyle looked neither surprised nor disappointed. In fact, she was looking gleeful again. “Are you sure . . .”
Before she could finish her question, Lois interrupted, stepping over until she was obnoxiously hovering in Mary Carlyle’s personal space.
Lois was about seven inches taller, and she could be very intimidating.
“But while you’re here,” Lois began, her voice hard and falsely pleasant, “I’ve been looking forward to having a little chat with you.”
There was an obvious threat in the words and tone of voice-not one of physical violence, but of another kind of threat.
Mary Carlyle understood and stepped away, looking momentarily nervous. “I’m afraid I don’t have time,” she said gamely, “I’m on my way to finish the story, now that I’ve talked to Chloe. I hope I didn’t upset her. She looks a little . . . pale.” With one last victorious look at Chloe, she added, "I'll be leaving now."
“Then I’ll walk out with you,” Lois insisted, pairing a blazing grin with a look of absolute disgust. “It must be tiring for you to always run around on the heels of more important people--just to write your little stories--so I’ll pick up the slack for you this once and stay on your heels while we talk.”
Mary Carlyle-who didn’t seem to appreciate this idea-was already heading toward the door.
Lois was right on her heels. “We can have our little chat on the way . . .”
Part of Chloe wanted to chuckle-needed that distraction from everything else that was waiting for her as soon as she turned her attention back to those photos-but the poor, little pumpkin was still bawling her eyes out, and Chloe still had a lump in her throat that was threatening to strangle her.
And, no matter how nice it was for Lois to step in and make a gesture toward retaliation, it was only a gesture. And thus it was a very fleeting victory.
Mary Carlyle and Lois both left the restaurant, and Chloe concentrated on quieting Gabrielle, since other people in the sandwich shop were starting to give her irritated looks.
After a few minutes, Gabrielle finally quieted into pitiful sniffs and whimpers. Chloe rocked the baby against her.
Felt like whimpering herself.
But the more she processed the situation, the more she was able to move past her first stunned and agonized response.
Nothing was ever as simple as it seemed.
And some things weren’t what they seemed at all.
So when Lois returned ten minutes later, Chloe was in control of herself again. Actually thought she could see something clearly . . . for once.
“Chloe,” Lois said, urgent and a little breathless, “Are you all right? Sorry it took so long, but once I had that . . . creature in my sights, I couldn’t . . .”
Chloe shook her head and pulled a fistful of her hair out of Gabrielle’s reaching grasp. “I’m fine. Thanks for doing that. Did you really give it to her?”
Lois’s mouth twitched. “She was shaking when she finally got to the subway.”
Chloe smiled too-although her smile was fainter and not entirely without bitterness. “Good.”
“Chloe,” Lois said again, pulling her chair a little closer and leaning toward Chloe. “Those pictures . . . Lex.” With a sneer, she muttered, “Wait until I get my hands on that fu-, freaking . . . butthole.”
Shaking her head again, Chloe let Gabrielle play with her fingers. “I think in this case you can save your outrage. I was . . . overwhelmed at first, but-now that I think about it-I don’t think this is exactly as it seems.”
Lois drew her brows together. “What do you mean? Lex and that model . . . and he spent the night with her.”
Chloe shrugged. Didn’t feel quite as casual as she sounded, but she was starting to feel a strange kind of confidence growing from the storm of her initial emotions. “Yeah. That’s what Mary Carlyle told us. But what kind of source is she? I’m not going to react until I talk to Lex about it.”
Lois was staring at Chloe like she was an alien. “Seriously? You think he’ll tell you the truth? If he’s really been sleeping around behind your back . . .”
Chloe shook her head urgently. “See, that’s the thing . . . I don’t think he has been.”
“What? Those pictures . . .”
“Were in a hallway, not a bedroom. His arm was around her, but nothing else. They could mean anything.” As she spoke, Chloe became more and more certain that she needed to wait before she completely freaked out. “We don’t have enough information. And I don’t think Lex would have done this.”
Staring at her incredulously, Lois asked, "Why not?"
Chloe felt herself blushing, behind the flush of all the other emotions. She looked down self-consciously at the table in front of her. “He loves me.”
Lois looked a little uncomfortable. “I know that,” she said, her voice obviously an attempt to be comforting and reasonable at the same time. “But sometimes a person can love someone and still have sex with someone else. And, if we think about Lex’s romantic history, it doesn’t exactly lend itself to . . .”
“I know,” Chloe interrupted, feeling a rush of anxiety that she immediately talked herself out of. “I’m not saying it’s out of his character. Who knows what anyone would do if they’re pushed in certain ways. I’m just saying I don’t think he did this now.”
“But you’re not together,” Lois pursued.
Chloe wished she would shut up, although she knew that her cousin was just trying to prepare her for the worst-as an act of kindness and support.
The thing was . . . for once . . . Chloe wasn’t expecting the worst. And didn’t want to start expecting it.
“You keep telling Lex you don’t love him, so maybe he wants to try to move on.” Lois reached out to stroke Gabrielle’s soft red hair, although her eyes were focused on Gabrielle’s mother.
Chloe squirmed uncomfortably. “It’s possible. There’s no reason for him to keep hanging on-I’ve told him that myself. But I think he would have said something to me first, if he’d changed his mind about . . . me.”
Lois’s voice was almost hushed now. “Is he normally . . . open about such things?”
Lex wasn’t open about such things. Wasn’t open about anything.
But Chloe-however unreasonably, however much her cynicism and sense might tell her that Lex could have easily sought some sort of solace and power by fucking another woman-still didn’t think that he had.
A shaky kind of peace had settled over her. One that could be rattled at any moment and one that left her fingers trembling as they held on to her daughter. But a peace nonetheless.
Chloe's mind and heart and instinct had settled into a tense, waiting quiet. An eye-of-the-storm kind of thing.
In contrast to her earlier boldness and spirit, Lois now looked visibly nervous. “Chloe?” she asked, “Are you sure you’re all right? Your handling this so calmly and maturely is kind of freaking me out. Are you about to have a breakdown or something.”
Chloe snorted, although it wasn’t real laughter. Gabrielle was warm and substantial in her arms, and Chloe clung to her-couldn’t even imagine what it was like to not have her daughter to hug. “I don’t think so. It’s weird, isn’t it? But I think I am all right. I’m going to wait until I talk to Lex.”
Lois made a face. “And . . . will you have the breakdown afterwards?”
Twisting her lips, Chloe replied, “I hope not. Like I said, I think the pictures are misleading in some way. I don’t think he did this.”
Chloe sat with her daughter in her arms, at a corner table in the quiet sandwich shop. It felt like her world had changed in some way during the last fifteen minutes, although she couldn’t exactly name what had changed.
It was bizarre, surreal, and almost frightening. But it felt like something had shifted in Chloe’s universe.
Lois was silent for a long time, just watching Chloe anxiously, uncertainly-very uncharacteristic feelings from Lois.
Until finally Lois said, very softly, “Chloe? What will you do if this is what it looks like?”
Chloe jerked her head in the direction of her cousin. “I told you. I don’t think . . .”
“But what if it is?” Lois repeated, almost a whisper.
Chloe’s tenuous calm vanished for a moment as she unwillingly acknowledged the possibility. Put herself in the position of hearing Lex tell her that he had actually fucked another woman last night.
And Chloe could feel it. All of it. Knew exactly how she’d react to hearing it and was almost overwhelmed by the excruciating power of it.
Her face twisted as she tried to control her rising emotions. “He has the right to do what he wants,” she forced out, her voice thin and unnatural. “It would be . . . fine.”
Lois’s eyes never left her face. She said gently, “You know, Chloe, it doesn’t look like it would be fine. It looks like it would be . . . devastating.”
Chloe's shoulders shook a few times, and she squeezed her eyes shut before she got control of her emotions again-not wanting to overreact before she knew the whole story and not wanting to upset her daughter again. Sniffing and then opening her eyes, she managed to speak, her voice wavering but clearer than before.
“It would be,” she admitted. “For me. I would be . . . really upset. But there’s nothing keeping Lex from doing so, and what kind of heartless bi-witch would I be if I tried to stop him from moving on? I don’t think he’d go behind my back in this, so I don’t think these pictures are what they seem. But, if they are, my only complaint can be that Lex was hiding this from me, while at the same time leading me on to think he was . . . being faithful.”
“And you'd be devastated by that?” Lois prompted.
“Yes,” Chloe breathed in frustration. “By that and a lot of other things. Of course, I’d be upset. I’ve built this whole chapter of my life with Lex in it-with Lex functioning in this certain role-and, without him . . .”
Chloe was slammed with another flood of emotion again as she pictured a life without the Lex who had somehow moved, with Gabrielle, to the center of her existence.
She had no idea when that had happened. But couldn't deny that he was.
At the center of her life.
“So you’ll just be sad that things have changed?” Lois prodded, “That Lex isn’t as big a part of your life as he had been before?”
Chloe groaned. Hated this conversation. Didn’t want to think about all of this. Wanted to go home and have a short, private cry. Then call up Lex and figure out what had happened.
But she knew Lois’s questions were good ones. Were true ones. Were ones that Chloe really needed to think about. So she made herself answer them, no matter how it felt like they were ripping her apart.
“No,” she forced out. “Of course not. It would be a lot more than that. If Lex really did this, I’d be . . . broken, and furious, and betrayed, and . . . and . . . broken.” She sucked in a painful breath in a harsh gust. “I know that’s not fair, but that’s how I’d feel. Lex and I aren’t in a romantic relationship, but we have been in a relationship. No matter how weird and confusing it is. And I’ve slept with him twice in the last week and a half. And he’s professed to love me for the last six months. And I . . . care about him . . . so much. I’d be . . . broken.”
The words had started pouring out in an agonized rush, and Chloe’s eyes were burning painfully. Darting a glance over to Lois’s sympathetic face, Chloe concluded in an embarrassed quaver, “He has every right to move on, and I can't blame him if he does, but it’s felt for so long like he’s . . .:”
“He’s what?” Lois breathed.
“He’s mine.”
There was a thick silence at the table. Chloe closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to find her waiting calm again.
“I know he’s not,” Chloe went on at last, “And I know-since I’ve told him no for so long-that I can’t expect him to wait around until I finally say yes. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt if he decides to love someone else.”
“Chloe,” Lois began carefully. “All this sounds pretty . . . deep. Are you thinking now about changing your . . . answer to him?”
“No,” Chloe mumbled embarassed again and confused and overwhelmed. “Maybe. I don’t know. It might be too late anyway. I need to think about this some more.”
Something changed on Lois’s face-almost lit up-but Chloe was too drained and bewildered to name what had prompted it.
Then Lois said, an edge of . . . something in her voice, “Well, as much as I hate to say it, if Lex has moved on, I think he’s picked a pretty good woman. From every account, that model is not just gorgeous and successful, she’s also smart and really nice.”
Chloe’s vision whited out for a second in a wave of primal rage and jealousy. Her whole body clenched up as she visualized the supermodel again-that elegant hand disappearing into Lex’s suit coat. Those hands all over Lex.
Chloe’s Lex.
Slammed with instinctive, visceral fury, Chloe wanted to scratch the supermodel’s eyes out.
Then maybe Lois’s-for saying such a thing.
Chloe turned on her cousin with a feral snarl. Made a sound like a hiss. Then whispered thickly, “What?”
Lois bit her lip, to hold back . . . something. “Oh,” she murmured soothingly. “Sorry. Just checking something.”
At Chloe’s continued threatening glare, Lois added, “I have no doubt she’s a bitch.”
“Lois,” Chloe said reproachfully, covering up Gabrielle’s ears-too late, of course.
“Sorry,” Lois said again, with an irrepressible smirk. “Slipped out. Stress does that to me. And your relationship with Lex has been very stressful for me.”
Chloe watched her cousin suspiciously for a minute, but then relaxed and leaned back in her chair. Pulled Gabrielle with her. The baby had started to snuggle and was now clinging sweetly to Chloe’s shirt, with her eyes closed and head resting against Chloe’s shoulder.
“Anyway,” Chloe said tiredly. “I should get home so I can call Lex. All of this is probably pointless, since I don’t think Lex would have . . . moved on without telling me first.”
Lois shook her head in obvious bafflement. “Maybe it's just Clark's influence, but I can't be as confident as you are when it comes to Lex. Why don't you think he would have done this?”
Chloe gave a little shrug. “I don’t know. It’s just that . . . he’s changed. Not completely, but in some important ways. At least with me and Gabrielle. Or maybe he’s just become what he’s always really been, but has just been suppressing for so long. Anyway, what happened between us last Saturday night was really . . . important. And I don’t think Lex would have thrown all that away to have some fling with a convenient brunette two days later. And I don’t think he would have gone behind my back.”
Something like wonder washed over Lois’s face. “How can you be so sure?”
With an ironic twist of her lips, Chloe shrugged again. “Um, as silly as it sounds, I . . . trust him.”
Lois’s questioning look slowly transformed into a look of absolute astonishment.
Which made Chloe very self-conscious. “What?” she demanded, standing up to get ready to go back to her apartment.
“Nothing,” Lois told her, rising to her feet as well. “It’s just that it’s been a really long time since you actually trusted any man but your father.”
Chloe didn’t know what to do with that remark. So she decided to simply ignore it.
As they were leaving the restaurant at last, Lois said, “Call me as soon as you know anything. And, if you need me to rip anyone apart for you-Lex, the tramp, Mary Carlyle, anyone-just let me know.”
* * *
Chloe called Lex as soon as she got back to her apartment with Gabrielle, asking him if he had any time this evening because something had happened and she needed to talk to him about it.
Before she could follow up or explain what the issue was, Lex said gruffly, “I’ll be right over,” and then he hung up the phone.
Chloe blinked for a minute at the receiver, rather startled by Lex’s abrupt response. Then she shrugged and tried not to brood about it as she nursed Gabrielle and started getting her daughter ready for bed.
It was a little earlier than Gabrielle's usual bedtime, but it would be easy to hash things out with Lex if the baby wasn’t present and demanding attention.
Chloe had just changed Gabrielle’s diaper and was snapping a soft, blue sleeper on over the chubby little body when there was a loud, insistent knock on the door.
Lifting a drowsy Gabrielle into her arms, Chloe hurried to the front door to let Lex in.
“What is it?” he demanded, as soon as she’d swung the door open. He was dressed in eveningwear-tailored black suit, with a gray dress shirt and tie. “Is everything all right?”
Despite the anxiety churning in her gut, Chloe rolled her eyes at him. “Yes,” she said impatiently. “Which you'd know if you had let me explain on the phone. It wasn’t an emergency. You didn’t have to rush over here and miss your . . . your dinner.” She swallowed, having a horrifying vision of Lex’s having dressed up like this to go on a date with that model. “Or whatever,” she added limply.
Lex’s face relaxed immediately, now that the crisis was averted, and he cocked an eyebrow at her. “Last time you called me up out of the blue and asked me to come over, you wanted me to . . .” He slanted a quick glance down at Gabrielle’s rosy face, which was blinking up at him: “. . . to satisfy you," he concluded discreetly.
Chloe, of course, knew exactly what he meant.
He smirked. “Is that what it is again?”
Surely, Chloe told herself, he couldn’t have fucked another woman last night and flirt with her so warmly today. Surely, even as smooth a politician as Lex wouldn’t do such a thing.
Not after what they’d been through together.
She cleared her throat and stepped out of the doorway to let Lex into the apartment. “No. That’s not what this is about.”
“Too bad,” he drawled, stepping into the entryway and reaching out for Gabrielle.
Chloe handed the baby to him without hesitation and then watched Lex and their daughter with a clench in her gut. He looked so handsome and sophisticated and remote in his expensive formal clothes. And Gabrielle was soft and squirming in her blue pajamas, her red-gold hair ruffled and messy.
Lex pulled the baby toward him and murmured something Chloe almost didn’t hear. Something that sounded like, “What is your mommy thinking-putting you in little boy’s clothes?”
For the moment forgetting the main issue at hand, Chloe made an outraged noise in her throat. “They are not boy’s clothes. Girls can wear blue too. She looks pretty in blue.”
His expression remained cool and dry, but his slightly twitching lip was evidence enough that he was teasing. “They’re definitely boy’s pajamas,” he insisted, letting Gabrielle play with the lapels of his jacket. “But at least they match her eyes.”
“Don’t you dare rile her up,” Chloe said grumpily, when Lex lifted the baby higher, making her giggle. “She was just going to bed. She’s been kind of fussy all day, and she hasn’t slept much. I’ve finally gotten her ready to go to sleep.”
Lex nodded with a resigned sigh. Gave Gabrielle a kiss on the forehead. Then handed her back to Chloe. “What did you want to talk about then, if it wasn’t an emergency or a . . . uh, request for satisfaction?”
“Let me put her down first,” Chloe said, taking Gabrielle into the nursery, settling her in the crib, turning off the light, and cracking the door.
When she came back into the living room, Lex was sitting on the sofa, looking up at her expectantly.
All of her suppressed fear and confusion came bubbling back up to the surface of her conscious thoughts. She swallowed hard. Lowered herself until she was perched stiffly on the very edge of the sofa cushion beside Lex. Took a deep breath and reminded herself that Lex wouldn’t have done what it looked like he’d done.
And that, even if he had, it wasn’t the end of the world.
“Chloe?” Lex prompted softly, his eyes narrowed as he watched her face intently.
“I ran into Mary Carlyle from the Inquisitor earlier,” Chloe began resolutely, trying to remember the speech she'd composed earlier.
Lex nodded. “I know.”
Sucking in her breath, Chloe forgot her planned words. “What? How do you know?” A random, horrific possibility crossed her mind--that Lex had planned this whole thing to make her jealous or to push her into more than she was ready for.
Lex wrinkled his forehead. “I have security assigned to you, remember? They call me about any unusual incidents. They were about to step in at the sandwich shop, but you and Lois appeared to have it under control.”
Chloe released a breath. Sometimes, now, she forgot that she even had security following her-they were so inconspicuous that she often didn’t even see them. “Oh,” she mumbled. “Right.”
“And what did the woman want?” Lex prodded, leaning forward slightly.
“She showed me pictures they’re going to print in the Inquisitor tomorrow,” Chloe choked, a surge of emotion rising up again as she saw those appalling pictures once more in her mind.
Lex tensed slightly. “Of what?” he gritted out.
She could read Lex’s body language by now-no matter how subtle it was. And it seemed to Chloe that Lex was preparing for something he already knew was coming. The knowledge made her heart sink down toward her gut. But she pressed on, “Of you. And a supermodel. Karla Hart.”
When Chloe darted a look over at Lex’s expression, she saw that his face had closed down. Shutting her out completely. He bit out, “And what were we doing in the pictures?”
Chloe felt like she couldn’t really breathe. Lex's reaction seemed to be . . . all wrong. She’d been hoping for an immediate, outraged denial. Not this controlled renewal of his emotional defenses.
But, holding it together until she heard what he had to say, Chloe replied, “You two were in a hallway of a hotel or something. And you looked . . . intimate.” Not even an eyelid flickered on Lex’s face, although his jaw appeared to be clenched. Sucking in a painful breath, Chloe added, “Mary Carlyle said it had been taken this morning, after you’d spent the night with your . . . new girlfriend.”
Chloe waited. Several seconds. Which felt like an agonizing eternity.
When Lex didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything but stare at the opposite wall, Chloe rushed on, “I was sure it wasn’t true. I mean, I don’t believe you would have done . . . that . . . after we’d . . . I mean, after you’d said . . . after . . . everything.”
Her babbling words hung in the silent room for far too long. Then Lex turned his head abruptly and stared at her face, as if his eyes were piercing her, exposing her.
Chloe was holding her breath as she waited: for his response, for a reasonable explanation, for some way to put this potential nightmare to rest.
She didn’t get it.
Instead, Lex rose to his feet. Muttered, “I’ll be right back.” Then paced toward the door of her apartment, pulling his mobile phone out of his jacket pocket as he walked.
He left the apartment.
Chloe stared speechlessly at the door, disbelieving, too stunned to even start to comprehend what Lex was doing or what his bizarre reaction might mean.
After about five minutes-during which Chloe sat like a brainless statue on the sofa-Lex returned to the apartment and rejoined her in the living room. Instead of sitting down beside her, he stood and looked out the window at the dark evening, his back facing her direction. “It’s all right,” Lex said tersely. “I’ve taken care of it.”
Chloe made an embarrassing sound of confusion-almost like a squeak. Staring at his broad shoulders and trim hips, she demanded, “What? Lex, talk to me. What have you taken care of?”
He turned his head to glance back at her, almost casually. “Mary Carlyle was a fool to show you her hand prematurely. I've taken care of it. They won’t print the pictures tomorrow.”
Almost choking, she responded, “What? But how?”
Lex gave a little shrug. “I may not be powerful enough to control the press when it matters the most, but I have enough connections and resources to pressure the relevant parties into withholding those particular photos.”
Chloe was more confused than ever, and now she was growing angry at Lex’s continued distance and reticence. She heaved herself to her feet and stomped over to stand beside him. “Is that all you have to say about it?”
Lex met her eyes and blinked twice. “What do you mean?”
She stifled a roar of indignation-mostly because she didn’t want to wake up Gabrielle-and persisted, “Aren’t you going to explain things to me? I was sure the pictures were taken out of context or something because I couldn’t believe you would have done this . . . after everything that’s happened between us. I mean, if you wanted to move one, that would be fine, but I was sure you’d at least tell me and not do this behind my back.” She gulped, realizing she was babbling again. “But now you’re confusing me by acting so weird. And why are you acting like an iceberg? Did you sleep with that woman or not?”
Lex pressed his lips together and glanced back out the window. “Would it matter to you if I had?”
Chloe gasped. Tried to answer but couldn’t force any words out. The anxious clench in her gut was painful and sickening now, and she had a lump in her throat she couldn’t seem to swallow over.
Finally, she burst out, “Yes! Of course it would." Once the first words were said, the rest caming pouring out in an impassioned stream. "I know we don’t have a commitment, but we’ve been in some kind of relationship here, and it’s been getting more and more serious recently, even though I can't return all of your feelings. I . . . trust you . . . almost completely.” She rubbed her face and tried to pull herself together. “If you’d done this behind my back, after we’d just made love a couple of days ago and . . . shared everything else we'd shared, I would feel . . . betrayed . . . and really, really hurt.”
Lex’s eyes were narrowed again, and he was peering intently, almost coolly, at her face. “Is that all?”
Chloe sputtered. “What do you mean, is that all? Why are you acting this way? Why won't you answer me? Did you fuck that . . . that . . . tramp?”
Raising his eyebrows slightly, Lex corrected, “She’s not a tramp.”
Chloe gaped at him. Couldn’t say anything.
“She’s a beautiful, intelligent, generous woman.”
For a moment, Chloe was sure that her chest was ripping apart-Lex’s words had wounded her so much. “What?” she whispered again, even the soft sound scratching at her raw throat. “What? Did you fuck her?”
Lex nodded. Said mildly, “I did.”
Chloe’s vision darkened for a moment, as she was overwhelmed with too much for her to physically handle. Then she managed to turn on her heel, away from Lex. Squeezed her eyes shut and breathed deeply, summoning all of her will to keep herself under control.
This had always been a possibility. It just hadn’t been one she’d believed would actually happen.
She'd actually thought that, with Lex, things could be different. That life might not always disappoint her.
But this was something that would always a possibility, when you trusted someone who was . . . flawed, weak, human.
Trusting someone always had the potential to tear your heart out.
“Oh,” she mumbled at last. “I see.”
“Chloe,” Lex said, putting his hand on her shoulder.
Chloe jerked away from him, almost violently.
“Chloe, I’m surprised it matters so much to you,” Lex continued, speaking softly, smoothly, an edge of something cool in his voice. “You’ve told me over and over again that you don’t love me.”
“I know,” she admitted, pleased that her voice was coherent, if not really natural. “I know I told you that. But it felt like there was still . . . something between us. I hadn’t expected you to . . . to . . .”
“To what?”
Chloe, feeling like she was close enough to control to face him again, turned around. Met his eyes blankly, “To do this. I thought you would have at least . . . told me . . . first.” Swallowing so hard it felt like her throat had cracked, she added, “But it’s fine. I’m glad you at least told me now. It’s fine.”
Lex’s eyes never left her face. “It doesn’t look like it’s fine,” he said carefully. “It looks like it’s . . . “
Devastating.
“. . . a problem,” Lex concluded. “If you don’t love me, and if you don’t want to make a commitment to me, then why should it bother you that I occasionally fuck someone else?”
Chloe’s grief and bewilderment was suddenly buried under a wave of rage. “Bastard,” she hissed. “You know better than that. You don’t have to love someone to feel betrayed when they . . .”
“I didn’t cheat on you,” Lex put in, absolutely nothing revealed through his face, his voice, or his eyes. “We’d made each other no promises.”
“I know that,” Chloe rasped, clenching her fists at her sides. “I know that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like, like . . . we’re . . . together. Wouldn’t you be hurt and betrayed if I had fucked some random other man and then kept it hidden like a guilty secret?”
“Of course,” Lex acknowledged, one eyebrow lifting quizzically. “But I love you.”
The words were like a blow. Chloe winced and jerked her head to the side, as if Lex had struck her.
“And you don’t love me,” Lex continued. His expression might as well have been chiseled out of marble. “Do you?”
At just after five o’clock in the following morning, Lex walked Chloe out to her car, which was still parked in front of the mansion in Smallville. Lex was holding a sleepy Gabrielle, and Chloe was carrying the diaper bag.
“You’re going back to your father’s?” Lex asked, when they paused in front of the car.
Chloe nodded. “Yeah. We’ll spend the morning there and then head back to the city.” She was tired, but not overly so. It was ridiculously early in the morning, but she had woken up and decided she wanted to get back before her father got up.
Although Gabe obviously knew where she’d spent the night, she’d still feel strange coming back from a night with Lex while her father was reading the paper and drinking his morning coffee.
Lex looked fully alert, despite the early hour, but Chloe knew he usually got up about this time anyway. He’d pulled on a pair of pants and the black T-shirt he’d been wearing the previous evening, and he certainly appeared more pulled together than Chloe did in her wrinkled clothes and messy hair.
He didn’t seem tired, but Lex seemed unusually quiet this morning and a little withdrawn. And Chloe wondered how much of it had to do with what had happened between them the previous night.
“All right,” Lex murmured, kissing Gabrielle, who now appeared to be fully asleep, on the forehead and handing her back to Chloe. “I’ll call you later.”
Chloe put Gabrielle in the car seat and made sure the baby was securely fastened before she stood up to face Lex again. “Okay,” Chloe said, feeling a nervous clench in her belly as she looked at Lex’s distant face.
She’d felt so close to him last night, and now he seemed to be pulling away again.
Not wanting things to get weird between them again, Chloe raised a hand and placed her palm on Lex’s chest. “Lex? Are you all right?”
Lex met her eyes and his mouth twitched slightly. “Shall I keep a count of how many times you’ve asked me that in the last twenty-four hours?”
Chloe snorted a little, relieved at the brief flash of ironic humor-proof that Lex wasn’t totally emotionally closing down on her. Giving him a sheepish look, she slid her hand down a little farther, until it was curved around one side of his waist. “I guess I have been asking it a lot,” she mumbled, “But you seem kind of . . . quiet this morning.”
He cocked an eyebrow at her, obviously in an attempt to be his characteristic, suave self. “Are you implying that I normally babble too much?” His voice was dry and even, but Chloe could tell that it was just a ruse. He was slightly tense, uncomfortable. And his eyes seemed as guarded as they had been during the first few months of her pregnancy.
She gave a faint, appreciative smile. “I believe most of the babbling falls on my shoulders,” she admitted. “But I’m serious, Lex. You seem . . . is everything all ri- . . .” She stopped herself before she asked the question again, but she peered up at his face anxiously, her heart swelling in tenderness and protectiveness at the wounds he was hiding behind the defenses which were now obvious to her.
Lex just stared at her, the blue-gray eyes unreadable. He opened his mouth slightly but no words came out.
Suddenly slammed with a possible explanation for his behavior this morning, Chloe felt her throat closing up a little. “Do you . . . do you . . . regret what happened last night?” she managed to ask.
Last night had been really important to her. She realized it already, although she still wasn’t sure exactly why and how it was so significant. And the thought that Lex wouldn’t feel the same way, that he might actually prefer for things to have gone differently, made Chloe feel physically ill.
Lex shook his head. Glanced away from her, just over her shoulder. “No. Of course not. I don’t regret that we were together.” He paused. Swallowed. Looked painfully uncomfortable. “But maybe the way in which we were together.”
And, in that moment, Chloe understood. She realized exactly what Lex meant and why he was acting this way this morning.
Obviously, it wasn’t fucking her that was making him distant and awkward. It was the way he had fucked her. It was how vulnerable he had made himself. It was what he’d exposed to her about his soul, if not in words than in ways that were just as clear. It was how needy he’d been with her last night.
All of that went against the nature Lex had built for himself over the last ten years. And, now that the evening was over, he must be asking himself why he hadn’t been stronger.
She wasn’t sure how to respond to this, even though she perfectly understood it. So she simply said the first thing that came into her mind. “Oh,” she mumbled. “I see. Well, I liked it.”
Lex swallowed again and shifted his eyes until his gaze was holding hers once more. “The sex was obviously . . . incredible,” he admitted, sliding his palm over his shiny scalp. “But I wish I had handled my . . . mood differently. I wish I hadn’t used you so . . . roughly.”
Chloe blinked up at him. She’d thought she knew exactly what he’d meant, but this was a nuance she hadn’t expected. Glancing into the car to make sure Gabrielle was still asleep, she said softly, “You weren’t too rough. I told you I wanted it. I’m kind of sore, but it was all good.”
Lex gave a strange, uncomfortable shrug and twisted his face into a brief, reluctant expression. “I hope so. But I didn’t just mean physically. I just wish I hadn’t taken my . . . mood out on you.”
Chloe let out a breath and slid a hand up to his cheek, recognizing guilt when she saw it, since she experienced more than her share of it. “Lex, don’t be stupid. I was so glad you did. It meant a lot that I could . . . be there for you.”
He looked away from her again. Stared at the hood of the car.
“I’m serious, Lex,” she insisted, seeing a poignant kind of insecurity beneath his falteringly stoic demeanor. “You’ve been there for me so much-you’ve done so much for me and Gabrielle-that sometimes I feel like . . . like . . .” She gulped, feeling a flood of vulnerability and insecurity herself. Pushing her way through it, she continued, “. . . like there’s nothing really I can offer you. You’re always supportive, and patient, and . . .”
Lex shook his head. “I haven’t always been supportive and patient.” A flash of guilt flooded his face. “And it’s not just the obvious things. If you knew what I’ve done . . .”
“I’m not talking about anything in particular,” Chloe interrupted-knowing as well as anyone that Lex wasn’t perfect, that he’d failed her once when she needed him. “But I just mean in general. You helped so much during the pregnancy. And then, for the last few months, you’ve been . . . amazing. And you aren’t pressuring me or expecting something back.” She was on a roll now, the words tumbling out. Pushing her fingers through her tousled hair, she went on, “And sometimes it makes me feel horrible, like I’m taking advantage of you.”
Lex opened his mouth to object, but Chloe kept talking, didn’t let him argue.
“I know you don’t think that, but that’s how I feel. I can’t give you want you want, so it always feels like I’m just taking from you.” She paused, darted a look up at Lex’s face.
He was gazing down at her, his lips slightly parted, as if he couldn’t believe what she was saying.
Feeling a little stupid now for her earnest declaration, she concluded in an embarrassed mumble, “So it’s just that it’s nice that sometimes I can be there for you too. It’s nice that you let me help you last night.”
Lex shook his head. He was actually looking more like himself than he had all morning. The hard barrier had lowered from his expression and his mouth had softened. And he actually looked rather impatient with her now-which she took to be a very good sign, since it was a very characteristic response.
Lowering his brows, he argued, “That’s an absurd attitude. Of course, you’re not always taking from me. I’m getting more than I give in this relationship.”
Chloe shrugged. “I don’t see how, but that’s not really the point. The point is that I feel like I’m always taking. Especially since I can’t give you . . . the one thing you really want.” Before Lex could object to this, she continued, “Anyway, I’m just saying that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Kind of guilty. Like both me and Gabrielle are always kind of . . . obliged to you.”
He shook his head and eyed her in annoyance. “Well, get over it. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.”
She had been feeling tender just a minute ago, but now she was a little annoyed herself. “There’s no reason to be snotty,” she snarled, “I was just explaining how I feel and why I was glad I could be there for you last night. And, while we’re on the subject, you can get over your ridiculous attitude of feeling guilty about the way you . . . were last night.” She’d been about to say something more explicit, but a glance in Gabrielle’s direction made her rephrase her words. “Both of us needed it, and both of us enjoyed it. So there.”
Lex looked angry for a moment, but then something changed on his face. He relaxed. Actually smiled faintly. “Understood.”
They stared at each other for a minute, and Chloe’s brief annoyance vanished completely as she took in Lex’s fond, sheepish expression-an expression so rarely witnessed on his handsome face.
She stood on her tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss onto the side of his mouth. “I’d better get going. I’ll talk to you later.”
Lex nodded and opened the car door for her. “I’ll call you this evening.”
As Chloe drove away, she could see Lex in her rearview mirror: standing on the side of the long driveway, watching them drive away from him, dressed all in black, his bald head sleek and distinctive.
He stood watching until she finally turned the car out of sight.
* * *
“So you and Lex actually . . .” Lois paused abruptly, obviously rephrasing her sentence after a guilty glance over at Gabrielle. “. . . did it? Again?”
Chloe pressed her lips together, her cheeks burning a little. She didn’t know why she’d been feeling so embarrassed recently about her relationship with Lex. She’d never been particularly self-conscious about men or sex before. She and Lois had shared details about sexual encounters for years. But, for the last month or two, Chloe had felt like blushing whenever she referred to anything intimate regarding Lex.
She cleared her throat. Pulled Gabrielle’s hand away from the fistful of Chloe’s hair the baby was pulling. “Yes,” she affirmed. “We did.”
Lois looked torn between amusement, surprise, and delight. “Well, well, well . . .” she began, a familiar taunt in her voice. “So what exactly is going on between the two of you?”
Gabrielle was babbling happily and incoherently, and she made another grab for Chloe’s hair. They were eating an early dinner in a sandwich shop near Chloe’s apartment, two days after Chloe’s weekend in Smallville. Chloe felt exposed and uncomfortable whenever she was out in public now-since she felt hounded by photographers, reporters, and curious lookers-on-but Lois had insisted they do something other than eat leftovers on Chloe’s couch. And this place was quiet and seemed fairly private, so Chloe had actually been enjoying herself.
Gabrielle had been good while Chloe and Lois were eating, but then she’d started getting fussy and restless. So Chloe had moved the baby over to her lap and was idly playing with her while she chatted with Lois.
Trying to distract Gabrielle with her baby spoon to take the place of Chloe’s hair, Chloe gave a shrug in response to Lois’s question. “I . . . don’t really know.”
“So are you changing your mind about him?” Lois persisted, leaning forward and sipping her soft drink.
“I . . . don’t think so,” Chloe admitted, feeling that guilty ache in her belly at the thought. “I mean, we’re getting closer and closer. But it hasn’t moved into that romantic love feeling for me. I mean, if we were in a normal relationship, then I guess I’d think things were progressing well. But I’m just scared that whatever progress we make still won’t take us to . . . where he wants us to be.”
Lois’s eyebrows arched up. “And where’s that?”
As she was squirming, Gabrielle accidentally kicked Chloe in the stomach, making her grunt softly in surprise. “Don’t be obtuse, Lois,” Chloe muttered.
Her eyes widening in an innocent look, Lois insisted, “I mean it. Obviously I know how he feels about you. Despite his annoyingly stoic façade, it’s pretty obvious that he’s absolutely crazy about you. But what I mean is, what do you think he really wants from this relationship?”
Chloe furrowed her brow. Thought for a minute. She didn’t need to think for an answer to her cousin’s question-she’d known it for a while now-but she had to think before she could determine whether she wanted to answer it honestly.
Decided she did. Lois was outspoken and annoying sometimes, but she was trustworthy. Chloe could trust Lois-with Lex’s feelings as well as her own.
“You know,” Chloe began, the tone of her voice changing, “Despite all the darkness, complexity, and cold ambition, Lex is really pretty traditional.”
Lois snorted in disbelief.
With a half-smile, Chloe explained, “I don’t mean in lifestyle or values or anything. I just mean in what he most deeply wants. He’s built his life around money and power and business, but that’s not what he really wants-although he’s not likely to admit it to anyone anymore.”
Lois’s face had changed too. She was watching Chloe almost quietly. “So what does he want? A fairy-tale ending? With you?”
To her disgust, Chloe actually blushed again. Felt absolutely stupid. “Not exactly. He’s too cynical and intelligent to dream about some kind of hackneyed, sappy romance. But he wants . . .” She swallowed hard, feeling inexplicably emotional all of a sudden. “He wants love. He wants . . . a real family.”
Chloe shrugged, having gotten through the part that made her most self-conscious. Concluded matter-of-factly, “Just like you and me. Just like everyone else.”
For once, Lois had no visible mockery in her expression, despite the uncomfortable earnestness of Chloe’s words. She looked a little amused, but not in a scornful way. “And I guess he’s found that, hasn’t he?”
Damn it. Chloe blushed again. Clenched her jaw and made herself remain calm and composed. “Yeah. Sort of. But it’s just hard because it’s not exactly the way he wants it-since I don’t feel exactly the same way.”
Lois made a face and idly reached over to tickle Gabrielle’s chubby belly. “Are you sure you don’t?” Before Chloe could get annoyed, Lois hurried on, “I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m just asking. It’s seems that, for the last few weeks, you’ve been thinking about Lex differently. Are you sure your feelings aren’t transforming into more of what he wants from you?”
Chloe groaned and rubbed her face. “I wish they were. Really I do. I . . . care for him so much. But it just doesn’t feel like that. I really don’t think I’m in denial. I’ve thought and thought about this and tried to be as honest about my feelings as I possibly can.” She let out a textured sigh. “I just don’t think I love him . . . like that.”
Lois shook her head and looked faintly regretful. “You know, Chloe, I don’t know what to think about this. Sometimes, I’m positive you love him. And sometimes I have to conclude you really don’t. And, honestly, I can’t figure out why anyone could have the man she loves offer himself to her as patiently and consistently as he has, but stsill not accept him. Unless she really doesn’t love him.”
Chloe nodded. Felt heavy and kind of sad for the moment. “Yeah.”
“Can you describe exactly how you do feel for . . .”
Chloe was distracted from Lois’s question by the arrival of someone into the sandwich shop.
Mary Carlyle had just walked through the door.
Chloe sucked in her breath and stiffened dramatically. Felt all the resentment she’d felt for the last two weeks boiling up inside her.
Lois whirled around to see what Chloe had just seen.
Mary Carlyle had spotted them immediately and was making her way over toward the corner where their table was situated. The woman was the same age as Chloe, and had gone through college with her. They’d been in the same journalism program, and for some reason Mary had always seen Chloe as her main rival-even though Chloe had never gotten any breaks at all in college, or in her journalistic career afterwards.
Chloe had always felt vague contempt for the woman, but it was only recently that her disgust had blown up into full-fledged rage.
Evidently, the same was true for Lois, because her cousin jumped to her feet so quickly her chair wobbled. Lois’s cheeks were flushed with feeling, and her mouth opened, and Chloe knew that Mary Carlyle was about to be the victim of one of Lois’s universally feared, verbal assaults.
“Lois,” Chloe said, her voice unnaturally cool. “Don’t. I’m perfectly capable of dealing with this on my own.”
Lois made a face, obviously reining herself in but not happy about the necessity to do so.
Mary Carlyle was smirking as she pulled out the spare chair at their table.
“You haven’t been invited to sit,” Chloe said coldly, hugging Gabrielle toward her chest protectively.
Shrugging, Mary Carlyle stood in front of the table instead. “This won’t take long anyway.”
Chloe felt a cold fury course through her, and she instinctively planned out the best strategy for dealing with this woman who had intentionally tried to ruin her life. Then Chloe opened her mouth, prepared to finally put Mary Carlyle in her place.
But the woman interrupted her. “I was just wanted to see if you had a comment about Lex Luthor’s new girlfriend.”
Chloe blinked. Her plan of attack fell out of her mind completely, and her gut dropped in shock and confusion. “What?” she said stupidly.
“Lex Luthor’s new girlfriend,” Mary Carlyle explained, something gleeful and malicious in her eyes. “We’ll be printing the story tomorrow, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to make a comment.”
For a full minute, Chloe couldn’t even comprehend what was being said. Then she started to see a possibility. Maybe someone had figured out that a woman had spent the night with Lex on Saturday, but they were too stupid to realize it was Chloe herself.
Recovering her calm, Chloe raised her eyebrows arrogantly, “I have no comment for you . . . on anything.”
Mary Carlyle chuckled and pulled out a couple of glossy photographs. Laid them on the table in front of Chloe. “Maybe you’ll at least find something to say about these.”
Chloe glanced down at them in annoyance, but then she froze, slammed with a wave of recognition and disbelief.
It was Lex in the photos, and he was in the hallway of a fancy apartment building or hotel. But he wasn’t alone.
He was with a gorgeous, slender, exotic brunette-one that Chloe recognized from the covers of any number of fashion magazines.
Lex’s arm was around the woman, and she was smiling up at him seductively, her hand disappearing inside Lex’s suit jacket. The same suit Lex had been wearing yesterday when he’d dropped by Chloe’s apartment the previous evening, before he’d left for what he’d called a “dinner meeting.”
Chloe blinked. Felt her throat close up. Started to shake inwardly. Had absolutely no words.
Mary Carlyle smiled like a predator. “These were taken this morning. After they’d spent the night together. Are you sure you don’t want to comment on how the father of your child is fucking a supermodel?”
* * *
Gabrielle must have been able to sense Chloe’s distress because, shortly after Mary Carlyle showed Chloe the photographs, the baby’s face screwed up and she let out a few whimpers.
Then she burst into deafening squalls.
Chloe couldn’t seem to think. Couldn’t seem to move. Couldn’t seem to breathe. She instinctively pulled her daughter closer and jostled her a little, but couldn’t begin to murmur anything comforting.
Never in her life had Chloe been so utterly stunned-not even when she’d finally discovered Clark Kent’s secret, all the way back in high school. She’d never been so completely frozen. So utterly without words.
It wasn’t a crisis or a real trauma. Certainly not a life-or-death situation. But it had leveled her in a way she could never remember being leveled before.
Which meant Chloe had no answer for Mary Carlyle. Not even the basest of responses. She wanted to scream. To tear the woman’s hair out. To rip the pictures into shreds and then stomp them into dust. To burst into tears.
To laugh bitterly from the sheer, exquisite irony of it all.
But Chloe found herself incapable of doing any of that.
Couldn’t even force out her automatic, sharp retort toward anyone who cursed in front of her baby.
Mary Carlyle was watching Chloe’s face with a kind of delighted spite, and Chloe could see, in the midst of her horrified stupor, how deep the woman’s resentment against her went.
Chloe opened her mouth. Mary Carlyle had attacked her, and it was Chloe's job to take care of her. If only she could manage to say something-anything-that would shape a somewhat appropriate response.
Chloe tried to speak. Nothing came out but a croak. And it was totally inaudible over Gabrielle’s bawling.
It felt like everything was falling apart. Her life. The world. Everything. Chloe couldn’t hear anything but her baby’s crying.
Couldn’t see anything but Lex with that supermodel.
Feeling pathetic and helpless and as un-Chloe-like as she’d ever been, she turned in silent desperation toward Lois.
Lois understood.
And Lois could act when Chloe was utterly incapable of it. So Lois snatched the photos up and calmly ripped them in half. Silently stuffed the pieces back into the opened pocket of Mary Carlyle’s leather bag.
Then she narrowed her eyes and pinned the woman with a look of cold disgust. “First thing: use language like that in front of the baby again and next time I’ll stuff the pictures in the foul, wretched maw that poses as your mouth.”
Mary Carlyle had been entirely focused on Chloe, and so the attack from the side startled and confused her. Her mouth dropped open slightly as her head jerked in Lois's direction, and she gaped stupidly, her expression like that of a startled fish.
The fog of stupor in Chloe’s mind started to clear just a little, and she felt a tiny thread of something resembling vindictive pleasure, beyond all of her other chaotic emotions.
Although she wished she could have handled this herself-and still planned to do so when she pulled herself together-having Lois take care of things at the moment was better than nothing.
Mary Carlyle took a sidestep away from Lois and looked back at Chloe. “I’m sorry,” she said in blatant insincerity. “Did the pictures bother you? I just wanted to give you a chance to tell your side for the story. Do you have a comment?”
Chloe swallowed so hard it actually hurt her throat. But she managed to meet the woman’s eyes and say frigidly, “No comment.”
Mary Carlyle looked neither surprised nor disappointed. In fact, she was looking gleeful again. “Are you sure . . .”
Before she could finish her question, Lois interrupted, stepping over until she was obnoxiously hovering in Mary Carlyle’s personal space.
Lois was about seven inches taller, and she could be very intimidating.
“But while you’re here,” Lois began, her voice hard and falsely pleasant, “I’ve been looking forward to having a little chat with you.”
There was an obvious threat in the words and tone of voice-not one of physical violence, but of another kind of threat.
Mary Carlyle understood and stepped away, looking momentarily nervous. “I’m afraid I don’t have time,” she said gamely, “I’m on my way to finish the story, now that I’ve talked to Chloe. I hope I didn’t upset her. She looks a little . . . pale.” With one last victorious look at Chloe, she added, "I'll be leaving now."
“Then I’ll walk out with you,” Lois insisted, pairing a blazing grin with a look of absolute disgust. “It must be tiring for you to always run around on the heels of more important people--just to write your little stories--so I’ll pick up the slack for you this once and stay on your heels while we talk.”
Mary Carlyle-who didn’t seem to appreciate this idea-was already heading toward the door.
Lois was right on her heels. “We can have our little chat on the way . . .”
Part of Chloe wanted to chuckle-needed that distraction from everything else that was waiting for her as soon as she turned her attention back to those photos-but the poor, little pumpkin was still bawling her eyes out, and Chloe still had a lump in her throat that was threatening to strangle her.
And, no matter how nice it was for Lois to step in and make a gesture toward retaliation, it was only a gesture. And thus it was a very fleeting victory.
Mary Carlyle and Lois both left the restaurant, and Chloe concentrated on quieting Gabrielle, since other people in the sandwich shop were starting to give her irritated looks.
After a few minutes, Gabrielle finally quieted into pitiful sniffs and whimpers. Chloe rocked the baby against her.
Felt like whimpering herself.
But the more she processed the situation, the more she was able to move past her first stunned and agonized response.
Nothing was ever as simple as it seemed.
And some things weren’t what they seemed at all.
So when Lois returned ten minutes later, Chloe was in control of herself again. Actually thought she could see something clearly . . . for once.
“Chloe,” Lois said, urgent and a little breathless, “Are you all right? Sorry it took so long, but once I had that . . . creature in my sights, I couldn’t . . .”
Chloe shook her head and pulled a fistful of her hair out of Gabrielle’s reaching grasp. “I’m fine. Thanks for doing that. Did you really give it to her?”
Lois’s mouth twitched. “She was shaking when she finally got to the subway.”
Chloe smiled too-although her smile was fainter and not entirely without bitterness. “Good.”
“Chloe,” Lois said again, pulling her chair a little closer and leaning toward Chloe. “Those pictures . . . Lex.” With a sneer, she muttered, “Wait until I get my hands on that fu-, freaking . . . butthole.”
Shaking her head again, Chloe let Gabrielle play with her fingers. “I think in this case you can save your outrage. I was . . . overwhelmed at first, but-now that I think about it-I don’t think this is exactly as it seems.”
Lois drew her brows together. “What do you mean? Lex and that model . . . and he spent the night with her.”
Chloe shrugged. Didn’t feel quite as casual as she sounded, but she was starting to feel a strange kind of confidence growing from the storm of her initial emotions. “Yeah. That’s what Mary Carlyle told us. But what kind of source is she? I’m not going to react until I talk to Lex about it.”
Lois was staring at Chloe like she was an alien. “Seriously? You think he’ll tell you the truth? If he’s really been sleeping around behind your back . . .”
Chloe shook her head urgently. “See, that’s the thing . . . I don’t think he has been.”
“What? Those pictures . . .”
“Were in a hallway, not a bedroom. His arm was around her, but nothing else. They could mean anything.” As she spoke, Chloe became more and more certain that she needed to wait before she completely freaked out. “We don’t have enough information. And I don’t think Lex would have done this.”
Staring at her incredulously, Lois asked, "Why not?"
Chloe felt herself blushing, behind the flush of all the other emotions. She looked down self-consciously at the table in front of her. “He loves me.”
Lois looked a little uncomfortable. “I know that,” she said, her voice obviously an attempt to be comforting and reasonable at the same time. “But sometimes a person can love someone and still have sex with someone else. And, if we think about Lex’s romantic history, it doesn’t exactly lend itself to . . .”
“I know,” Chloe interrupted, feeling a rush of anxiety that she immediately talked herself out of. “I’m not saying it’s out of his character. Who knows what anyone would do if they’re pushed in certain ways. I’m just saying I don’t think he did this now.”
“But you’re not together,” Lois pursued.
Chloe wished she would shut up, although she knew that her cousin was just trying to prepare her for the worst-as an act of kindness and support.
The thing was . . . for once . . . Chloe wasn’t expecting the worst. And didn’t want to start expecting it.
“You keep telling Lex you don’t love him, so maybe he wants to try to move on.” Lois reached out to stroke Gabrielle’s soft red hair, although her eyes were focused on Gabrielle’s mother.
Chloe squirmed uncomfortably. “It’s possible. There’s no reason for him to keep hanging on-I’ve told him that myself. But I think he would have said something to me first, if he’d changed his mind about . . . me.”
Lois’s voice was almost hushed now. “Is he normally . . . open about such things?”
Lex wasn’t open about such things. Wasn’t open about anything.
But Chloe-however unreasonably, however much her cynicism and sense might tell her that Lex could have easily sought some sort of solace and power by fucking another woman-still didn’t think that he had.
A shaky kind of peace had settled over her. One that could be rattled at any moment and one that left her fingers trembling as they held on to her daughter. But a peace nonetheless.
Chloe's mind and heart and instinct had settled into a tense, waiting quiet. An eye-of-the-storm kind of thing.
In contrast to her earlier boldness and spirit, Lois now looked visibly nervous. “Chloe?” she asked, “Are you sure you’re all right? Your handling this so calmly and maturely is kind of freaking me out. Are you about to have a breakdown or something.”
Chloe snorted, although it wasn’t real laughter. Gabrielle was warm and substantial in her arms, and Chloe clung to her-couldn’t even imagine what it was like to not have her daughter to hug. “I don’t think so. It’s weird, isn’t it? But I think I am all right. I’m going to wait until I talk to Lex.”
Lois made a face. “And . . . will you have the breakdown afterwards?”
Twisting her lips, Chloe replied, “I hope not. Like I said, I think the pictures are misleading in some way. I don’t think he did this.”
Chloe sat with her daughter in her arms, at a corner table in the quiet sandwich shop. It felt like her world had changed in some way during the last fifteen minutes, although she couldn’t exactly name what had changed.
It was bizarre, surreal, and almost frightening. But it felt like something had shifted in Chloe’s universe.
Lois was silent for a long time, just watching Chloe anxiously, uncertainly-very uncharacteristic feelings from Lois.
Until finally Lois said, very softly, “Chloe? What will you do if this is what it looks like?”
Chloe jerked her head in the direction of her cousin. “I told you. I don’t think . . .”
“But what if it is?” Lois repeated, almost a whisper.
Chloe’s tenuous calm vanished for a moment as she unwillingly acknowledged the possibility. Put herself in the position of hearing Lex tell her that he had actually fucked another woman last night.
And Chloe could feel it. All of it. Knew exactly how she’d react to hearing it and was almost overwhelmed by the excruciating power of it.
Her face twisted as she tried to control her rising emotions. “He has the right to do what he wants,” she forced out, her voice thin and unnatural. “It would be . . . fine.”
Lois’s eyes never left her face. She said gently, “You know, Chloe, it doesn’t look like it would be fine. It looks like it would be . . . devastating.”
Chloe's shoulders shook a few times, and she squeezed her eyes shut before she got control of her emotions again-not wanting to overreact before she knew the whole story and not wanting to upset her daughter again. Sniffing and then opening her eyes, she managed to speak, her voice wavering but clearer than before.
“It would be,” she admitted. “For me. I would be . . . really upset. But there’s nothing keeping Lex from doing so, and what kind of heartless bi-witch would I be if I tried to stop him from moving on? I don’t think he’d go behind my back in this, so I don’t think these pictures are what they seem. But, if they are, my only complaint can be that Lex was hiding this from me, while at the same time leading me on to think he was . . . being faithful.”
“And you'd be devastated by that?” Lois prompted.
“Yes,” Chloe breathed in frustration. “By that and a lot of other things. Of course, I’d be upset. I’ve built this whole chapter of my life with Lex in it-with Lex functioning in this certain role-and, without him . . .”
Chloe was slammed with another flood of emotion again as she pictured a life without the Lex who had somehow moved, with Gabrielle, to the center of her existence.
She had no idea when that had happened. But couldn't deny that he was.
At the center of her life.
“So you’ll just be sad that things have changed?” Lois prodded, “That Lex isn’t as big a part of your life as he had been before?”
Chloe groaned. Hated this conversation. Didn’t want to think about all of this. Wanted to go home and have a short, private cry. Then call up Lex and figure out what had happened.
But she knew Lois’s questions were good ones. Were true ones. Were ones that Chloe really needed to think about. So she made herself answer them, no matter how it felt like they were ripping her apart.
“No,” she forced out. “Of course not. It would be a lot more than that. If Lex really did this, I’d be . . . broken, and furious, and betrayed, and . . . and . . . broken.” She sucked in a painful breath in a harsh gust. “I know that’s not fair, but that’s how I’d feel. Lex and I aren’t in a romantic relationship, but we have been in a relationship. No matter how weird and confusing it is. And I’ve slept with him twice in the last week and a half. And he’s professed to love me for the last six months. And I . . . care about him . . . so much. I’d be . . . broken.”
The words had started pouring out in an agonized rush, and Chloe’s eyes were burning painfully. Darting a glance over to Lois’s sympathetic face, Chloe concluded in an embarrassed quaver, “He has every right to move on, and I can't blame him if he does, but it’s felt for so long like he’s . . .:”
“He’s what?” Lois breathed.
“He’s mine.”
There was a thick silence at the table. Chloe closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to find her waiting calm again.
“I know he’s not,” Chloe went on at last, “And I know-since I’ve told him no for so long-that I can’t expect him to wait around until I finally say yes. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt if he decides to love someone else.”
“Chloe,” Lois began carefully. “All this sounds pretty . . . deep. Are you thinking now about changing your . . . answer to him?”
“No,” Chloe mumbled embarassed again and confused and overwhelmed. “Maybe. I don’t know. It might be too late anyway. I need to think about this some more.”
Something changed on Lois’s face-almost lit up-but Chloe was too drained and bewildered to name what had prompted it.
Then Lois said, an edge of . . . something in her voice, “Well, as much as I hate to say it, if Lex has moved on, I think he’s picked a pretty good woman. From every account, that model is not just gorgeous and successful, she’s also smart and really nice.”
Chloe’s vision whited out for a second in a wave of primal rage and jealousy. Her whole body clenched up as she visualized the supermodel again-that elegant hand disappearing into Lex’s suit coat. Those hands all over Lex.
Chloe’s Lex.
Slammed with instinctive, visceral fury, Chloe wanted to scratch the supermodel’s eyes out.
Then maybe Lois’s-for saying such a thing.
Chloe turned on her cousin with a feral snarl. Made a sound like a hiss. Then whispered thickly, “What?”
Lois bit her lip, to hold back . . . something. “Oh,” she murmured soothingly. “Sorry. Just checking something.”
At Chloe’s continued threatening glare, Lois added, “I have no doubt she’s a bitch.”
“Lois,” Chloe said reproachfully, covering up Gabrielle’s ears-too late, of course.
“Sorry,” Lois said again, with an irrepressible smirk. “Slipped out. Stress does that to me. And your relationship with Lex has been very stressful for me.”
Chloe watched her cousin suspiciously for a minute, but then relaxed and leaned back in her chair. Pulled Gabrielle with her. The baby had started to snuggle and was now clinging sweetly to Chloe’s shirt, with her eyes closed and head resting against Chloe’s shoulder.
“Anyway,” Chloe said tiredly. “I should get home so I can call Lex. All of this is probably pointless, since I don’t think Lex would have . . . moved on without telling me first.”
Lois shook her head in obvious bafflement. “Maybe it's just Clark's influence, but I can't be as confident as you are when it comes to Lex. Why don't you think he would have done this?”
Chloe gave a little shrug. “I don’t know. It’s just that . . . he’s changed. Not completely, but in some important ways. At least with me and Gabrielle. Or maybe he’s just become what he’s always really been, but has just been suppressing for so long. Anyway, what happened between us last Saturday night was really . . . important. And I don’t think Lex would have thrown all that away to have some fling with a convenient brunette two days later. And I don’t think he would have gone behind my back.”
Something like wonder washed over Lois’s face. “How can you be so sure?”
With an ironic twist of her lips, Chloe shrugged again. “Um, as silly as it sounds, I . . . trust him.”
Lois’s questioning look slowly transformed into a look of absolute astonishment.
Which made Chloe very self-conscious. “What?” she demanded, standing up to get ready to go back to her apartment.
“Nothing,” Lois told her, rising to her feet as well. “It’s just that it’s been a really long time since you actually trusted any man but your father.”
Chloe didn’t know what to do with that remark. So she decided to simply ignore it.
As they were leaving the restaurant at last, Lois said, “Call me as soon as you know anything. And, if you need me to rip anyone apart for you-Lex, the tramp, Mary Carlyle, anyone-just let me know.”
* * *
Chloe called Lex as soon as she got back to her apartment with Gabrielle, asking him if he had any time this evening because something had happened and she needed to talk to him about it.
Before she could follow up or explain what the issue was, Lex said gruffly, “I’ll be right over,” and then he hung up the phone.
Chloe blinked for a minute at the receiver, rather startled by Lex’s abrupt response. Then she shrugged and tried not to brood about it as she nursed Gabrielle and started getting her daughter ready for bed.
It was a little earlier than Gabrielle's usual bedtime, but it would be easy to hash things out with Lex if the baby wasn’t present and demanding attention.
Chloe had just changed Gabrielle’s diaper and was snapping a soft, blue sleeper on over the chubby little body when there was a loud, insistent knock on the door.
Lifting a drowsy Gabrielle into her arms, Chloe hurried to the front door to let Lex in.
“What is it?” he demanded, as soon as she’d swung the door open. He was dressed in eveningwear-tailored black suit, with a gray dress shirt and tie. “Is everything all right?”
Despite the anxiety churning in her gut, Chloe rolled her eyes at him. “Yes,” she said impatiently. “Which you'd know if you had let me explain on the phone. It wasn’t an emergency. You didn’t have to rush over here and miss your . . . your dinner.” She swallowed, having a horrifying vision of Lex’s having dressed up like this to go on a date with that model. “Or whatever,” she added limply.
Lex’s face relaxed immediately, now that the crisis was averted, and he cocked an eyebrow at her. “Last time you called me up out of the blue and asked me to come over, you wanted me to . . .” He slanted a quick glance down at Gabrielle’s rosy face, which was blinking up at him: “. . . to satisfy you," he concluded discreetly.
Chloe, of course, knew exactly what he meant.
He smirked. “Is that what it is again?”
Surely, Chloe told herself, he couldn’t have fucked another woman last night and flirt with her so warmly today. Surely, even as smooth a politician as Lex wouldn’t do such a thing.
Not after what they’d been through together.
She cleared her throat and stepped out of the doorway to let Lex into the apartment. “No. That’s not what this is about.”
“Too bad,” he drawled, stepping into the entryway and reaching out for Gabrielle.
Chloe handed the baby to him without hesitation and then watched Lex and their daughter with a clench in her gut. He looked so handsome and sophisticated and remote in his expensive formal clothes. And Gabrielle was soft and squirming in her blue pajamas, her red-gold hair ruffled and messy.
Lex pulled the baby toward him and murmured something Chloe almost didn’t hear. Something that sounded like, “What is your mommy thinking-putting you in little boy’s clothes?”
For the moment forgetting the main issue at hand, Chloe made an outraged noise in her throat. “They are not boy’s clothes. Girls can wear blue too. She looks pretty in blue.”
His expression remained cool and dry, but his slightly twitching lip was evidence enough that he was teasing. “They’re definitely boy’s pajamas,” he insisted, letting Gabrielle play with the lapels of his jacket. “But at least they match her eyes.”
“Don’t you dare rile her up,” Chloe said grumpily, when Lex lifted the baby higher, making her giggle. “She was just going to bed. She’s been kind of fussy all day, and she hasn’t slept much. I’ve finally gotten her ready to go to sleep.”
Lex nodded with a resigned sigh. Gave Gabrielle a kiss on the forehead. Then handed her back to Chloe. “What did you want to talk about then, if it wasn’t an emergency or a . . . uh, request for satisfaction?”
“Let me put her down first,” Chloe said, taking Gabrielle into the nursery, settling her in the crib, turning off the light, and cracking the door.
When she came back into the living room, Lex was sitting on the sofa, looking up at her expectantly.
All of her suppressed fear and confusion came bubbling back up to the surface of her conscious thoughts. She swallowed hard. Lowered herself until she was perched stiffly on the very edge of the sofa cushion beside Lex. Took a deep breath and reminded herself that Lex wouldn’t have done what it looked like he’d done.
And that, even if he had, it wasn’t the end of the world.
“Chloe?” Lex prompted softly, his eyes narrowed as he watched her face intently.
“I ran into Mary Carlyle from the Inquisitor earlier,” Chloe began resolutely, trying to remember the speech she'd composed earlier.
Lex nodded. “I know.”
Sucking in her breath, Chloe forgot her planned words. “What? How do you know?” A random, horrific possibility crossed her mind--that Lex had planned this whole thing to make her jealous or to push her into more than she was ready for.
Lex wrinkled his forehead. “I have security assigned to you, remember? They call me about any unusual incidents. They were about to step in at the sandwich shop, but you and Lois appeared to have it under control.”
Chloe released a breath. Sometimes, now, she forgot that she even had security following her-they were so inconspicuous that she often didn’t even see them. “Oh,” she mumbled. “Right.”
“And what did the woman want?” Lex prodded, leaning forward slightly.
“She showed me pictures they’re going to print in the Inquisitor tomorrow,” Chloe choked, a surge of emotion rising up again as she saw those appalling pictures once more in her mind.
Lex tensed slightly. “Of what?” he gritted out.
She could read Lex’s body language by now-no matter how subtle it was. And it seemed to Chloe that Lex was preparing for something he already knew was coming. The knowledge made her heart sink down toward her gut. But she pressed on, “Of you. And a supermodel. Karla Hart.”
When Chloe darted a look over at Lex’s expression, she saw that his face had closed down. Shutting her out completely. He bit out, “And what were we doing in the pictures?”
Chloe felt like she couldn’t really breathe. Lex's reaction seemed to be . . . all wrong. She’d been hoping for an immediate, outraged denial. Not this controlled renewal of his emotional defenses.
But, holding it together until she heard what he had to say, Chloe replied, “You two were in a hallway of a hotel or something. And you looked . . . intimate.” Not even an eyelid flickered on Lex’s face, although his jaw appeared to be clenched. Sucking in a painful breath, Chloe added, “Mary Carlyle said it had been taken this morning, after you’d spent the night with your . . . new girlfriend.”
Chloe waited. Several seconds. Which felt like an agonizing eternity.
When Lex didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything but stare at the opposite wall, Chloe rushed on, “I was sure it wasn’t true. I mean, I don’t believe you would have done . . . that . . . after we’d . . . I mean, after you’d said . . . after . . . everything.”
Her babbling words hung in the silent room for far too long. Then Lex turned his head abruptly and stared at her face, as if his eyes were piercing her, exposing her.
Chloe was holding her breath as she waited: for his response, for a reasonable explanation, for some way to put this potential nightmare to rest.
She didn’t get it.
Instead, Lex rose to his feet. Muttered, “I’ll be right back.” Then paced toward the door of her apartment, pulling his mobile phone out of his jacket pocket as he walked.
He left the apartment.
Chloe stared speechlessly at the door, disbelieving, too stunned to even start to comprehend what Lex was doing or what his bizarre reaction might mean.
After about five minutes-during which Chloe sat like a brainless statue on the sofa-Lex returned to the apartment and rejoined her in the living room. Instead of sitting down beside her, he stood and looked out the window at the dark evening, his back facing her direction. “It’s all right,” Lex said tersely. “I’ve taken care of it.”
Chloe made an embarrassing sound of confusion-almost like a squeak. Staring at his broad shoulders and trim hips, she demanded, “What? Lex, talk to me. What have you taken care of?”
He turned his head to glance back at her, almost casually. “Mary Carlyle was a fool to show you her hand prematurely. I've taken care of it. They won’t print the pictures tomorrow.”
Almost choking, she responded, “What? But how?”
Lex gave a little shrug. “I may not be powerful enough to control the press when it matters the most, but I have enough connections and resources to pressure the relevant parties into withholding those particular photos.”
Chloe was more confused than ever, and now she was growing angry at Lex’s continued distance and reticence. She heaved herself to her feet and stomped over to stand beside him. “Is that all you have to say about it?”
Lex met her eyes and blinked twice. “What do you mean?”
She stifled a roar of indignation-mostly because she didn’t want to wake up Gabrielle-and persisted, “Aren’t you going to explain things to me? I was sure the pictures were taken out of context or something because I couldn’t believe you would have done this . . . after everything that’s happened between us. I mean, if you wanted to move one, that would be fine, but I was sure you’d at least tell me and not do this behind my back.” She gulped, realizing she was babbling again. “But now you’re confusing me by acting so weird. And why are you acting like an iceberg? Did you sleep with that woman or not?”
Lex pressed his lips together and glanced back out the window. “Would it matter to you if I had?”
Chloe gasped. Tried to answer but couldn’t force any words out. The anxious clench in her gut was painful and sickening now, and she had a lump in her throat she couldn’t seem to swallow over.
Finally, she burst out, “Yes! Of course it would." Once the first words were said, the rest caming pouring out in an impassioned stream. "I know we don’t have a commitment, but we’ve been in some kind of relationship here, and it’s been getting more and more serious recently, even though I can't return all of your feelings. I . . . trust you . . . almost completely.” She rubbed her face and tried to pull herself together. “If you’d done this behind my back, after we’d just made love a couple of days ago and . . . shared everything else we'd shared, I would feel . . . betrayed . . . and really, really hurt.”
Lex’s eyes were narrowed again, and he was peering intently, almost coolly, at her face. “Is that all?”
Chloe sputtered. “What do you mean, is that all? Why are you acting this way? Why won't you answer me? Did you fuck that . . . that . . . tramp?”
Raising his eyebrows slightly, Lex corrected, “She’s not a tramp.”
Chloe gaped at him. Couldn’t say anything.
“She’s a beautiful, intelligent, generous woman.”
For a moment, Chloe was sure that her chest was ripping apart-Lex’s words had wounded her so much. “What?” she whispered again, even the soft sound scratching at her raw throat. “What? Did you fuck her?”
Lex nodded. Said mildly, “I did.”
Chloe’s vision darkened for a moment, as she was overwhelmed with too much for her to physically handle. Then she managed to turn on her heel, away from Lex. Squeezed her eyes shut and breathed deeply, summoning all of her will to keep herself under control.
This had always been a possibility. It just hadn’t been one she’d believed would actually happen.
She'd actually thought that, with Lex, things could be different. That life might not always disappoint her.
But this was something that would always a possibility, when you trusted someone who was . . . flawed, weak, human.
Trusting someone always had the potential to tear your heart out.
“Oh,” she mumbled at last. “I see.”
“Chloe,” Lex said, putting his hand on her shoulder.
Chloe jerked away from him, almost violently.
“Chloe, I’m surprised it matters so much to you,” Lex continued, speaking softly, smoothly, an edge of something cool in his voice. “You’ve told me over and over again that you don’t love me.”
“I know,” she admitted, pleased that her voice was coherent, if not really natural. “I know I told you that. But it felt like there was still . . . something between us. I hadn’t expected you to . . . to . . .”
“To what?”
Chloe, feeling like she was close enough to control to face him again, turned around. Met his eyes blankly, “To do this. I thought you would have at least . . . told me . . . first.” Swallowing so hard it felt like her throat had cracked, she added, “But it’s fine. I’m glad you at least told me now. It’s fine.”
Lex’s eyes never left her face. “It doesn’t look like it’s fine,” he said carefully. “It looks like it’s . . . “
Devastating.
“. . . a problem,” Lex concluded. “If you don’t love me, and if you don’t want to make a commitment to me, then why should it bother you that I occasionally fuck someone else?”
Chloe’s grief and bewilderment was suddenly buried under a wave of rage. “Bastard,” she hissed. “You know better than that. You don’t have to love someone to feel betrayed when they . . .”
“I didn’t cheat on you,” Lex put in, absolutely nothing revealed through his face, his voice, or his eyes. “We’d made each other no promises.”
“I know that,” Chloe rasped, clenching her fists at her sides. “I know that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like, like . . . we’re . . . together. Wouldn’t you be hurt and betrayed if I had fucked some random other man and then kept it hidden like a guilty secret?”
“Of course,” Lex acknowledged, one eyebrow lifting quizzically. “But I love you.”
The words were like a blow. Chloe winced and jerked her head to the side, as if Lex had struck her.
“And you don’t love me,” Lex continued. His expression might as well have been chiseled out of marble. “Do you?”