FMMP: Dark Shadows and Snow White and the Huntsman
And now for some movie reviews.
Dark Shadows I saw this with Ryan and MyFriendDeb, who, let's not forget, doesn't get out much. And I say this as someone who leaves the house twice a week.
We wanted to go on Memorial Day, but Deb was in a tizzy over holiday crowds. She suggested increasingly crazy-sounding plans, from cruising through the parking lot to see how full it was, to loitering by the ticket counter and seeing how many were being sold for our show. I swear she was only half joking.
We were saved by Men in Black 3 opening this weekend, and we were three of only seven people in the theater. Sheesh.
So, the movie. I had never watched the original TV series. I had surfed past it plenty of times, and it always seemed to just be people talking in a mansion with creepy dramatic music in the background. Tery and Deb assure me this description is essentially spot on.
Johnny, as you're probably aware, is Barnabas Collins, heir to his father's Maine cannery empire -- until he spurns the love of a witch, who kills his fiance and curses him to an eternity of bloodsucking; immediately afterwards imprisoning him in a chained coffin underground.
He's accidentally unearthed 200 years later by a construction crew who meet a grisly demise (after he apologizes first), but I must say, he's looking pretty hale for someone who hasn't eaten in two centuries, immortal or no; score one for Neil Jordan's Interview with the Vampire for showing us a believably desiccated Tom Cruise who had been subsisting on only rats and toads for a few months, as well as Underworld and Daybreakers. A starving vamp may not die, but he isn't pretty, either.
He returns to his family manor, to find his descendants teetering on the brink of bankruptcy: Michele Pfeiffer as his great granddaughter; Jonny Lee Miller as her useless brother and terrible father to a young boy; Helena Bonham-Carter as the boy's live-in shrink; and Chloe Grace Moretz as the sulky daughter.
They aren't sure what to make of him, and there are plenty of jokes to be had from the clash of cultures; as well as from the ignominy of the once grand estate being subjected to 70's decor (to prove he is their ancient relative, he springs the door on a hidden room; only to find it's now the home of Michele's macrame collection. LOLZ)
The laughs start to wane quickly, however, when his nemesis the witch (also immortal I guess) discovers his return and immediately resumes trying to seduce him. When she's unsuccessful, it becomes instead a very boring business rivalry between their competing canneries and hoo boy, I really couldn't care less.
In fact, there's one scene where people are talking in the library with unnecessarily atmospheric music that I felt sure was an homage, but I think slowed the pace down too much to make it worth it.
Meanwhile the new young nanny, who bears a suspicious resemblance to his dead fiance, was just hired, and they slowly (very slowly) begin to have a thing. Which doesn't please the witch much.
In a bizarre subplot, Helena Bonham-Carter is trying to cure his vampirism with massive blood replacements/transfusions, though why you'd trust a psychiatrist to perform such a procedure isn't clear. But then he discovers she's actually stealing his blood hoping for immortality for herself, so he kills her and dumps her in the ocean.
It's decided to throw a huge ball to ingratiate themselves to the townsfolk (to help their business), and Chloe asks for Alice Cooper to perform -- and no joke is spared making Barnabas mistake the rocker for a female. The ball scene is where Deb spotted Jonathan Frid, the original Barnabas, but so fleetingly he was gone by the time I deciphered her frantic whispers.
After this the plot becomes muddy fast. The nanny finally realizes Barnabas's true nature and is repulsed, and subsequently vanishes so long we practically forget about her. More seduction from the witch; this time when she's rebuffed she sticks Barnabas back in his coffin and turns the villagers against his family, torch and pitchfork style. A big battle ensues that is visually terribly confusing, not least of which because suddenly Chloe is a werewolf. I thought, "for the love of god, does EVERY vampire movie have to have a werewolf?!" But Deb assured me this too was from the series.
The family wins the battle, of course, but not before the witch tries to kill the nanny the same way she killed the fiance: by hypnotizing her into walking off a cliff. Barnabas jumps after her and manages to turn her before she hits the bottom -- none of this whinging and angsting for three movies begging your sparkly boyfriend to do the deed.
The big twist at the end is that, deep under the ocean, Helena Bonham-Carter has finally sero-converted into a vamp and wakes up, implying the possibility of a sequel. God, I hope not.
In summary, like all Burton's stuff lately, very pretty to look at (and not just Depp) but short on substance. Johnny is even a less convincing vamp than RPat, and similarly too adorable to be menacing. However, for this campy vamp role I don't think anyone else could have pulled it off. Worth a rental, at least, but I don't think I'll buy.
Still a better choice than Snow White and the Huntsman:
I was dead set against this, until I found myself in Casper, Wyoming (more details to follow in another post) with Tery, my sister and brother-in-law wanting to see something but unable to agree on anything else. My sister offered to pay, so what the hell.
I had every intention of giving Kristen "Twilight's Bella" Stewart a second chance. I want to like her, I do. But after suffering through this, I've come to the conclusion that it's not that she's the worst actress ever; she just keeps getting horribly miscast as a woman so beautiful that people would die for her. That and she keeps getting roles that require a range of emotions I suspect she's just not capable of. Not unlike Kevin Costner.
I'll go one step further and say, if not for Twilight, she'd probably be as obscure and unknown as she deserves.
So. Snow White's good kingly father is tricked into marrying witchy Charlize Theron, who murders him and imprisons Snow White in a tower until she grows into Kristen Stewart (a hideously cruel punishment). But Charlize notices some gray hair and frowny wrinkles and uses her evil power to suck the youth from her subjects.
Some words about Charlize's performance: I thought it was the most enjoyable part of the movie (which isn't necessarily an unequivocal Oscar vote), until we got in the car and my brother-in-law exclaimed, "She was just phoning it in, wasn't she?" Lots of reviews also throw around words like "scenery chewing" and "over the top," so take that for what it's worth. I'll admit my expectations of excellence from her might have distorted my perception.
She does play scarily unbalanced, if not straight up evil, pretty well. Even if she didn't, the movie seemed prepared to do the job for her: there's a scene that opens on the common folk in the street scrambling to catch a flow of what looks like milk coming from the palace. Cut to the queen taking a milk bath in her chambers. The same milk? Because ew.
At any rate, since taking over, naturally the kingdom has fallen into a state of decay and despair, which seems fine by her. It's not clear what her end-game is, but it certainly isn't helped by her weird, pseudo-albino brother. For instance, he's apparently Snow White's primary jailer, and when he tries to escort her to the queen (who plans to suck up her youth) he gleefully informs her that she'll never return to the cell again. Well, surprise, surprise, she puts up a bit of a struggle, raking her nails down his face and escaping to the woods.
Enter Chris Hemsworth as The Hunter hired to recapture her because he knows the woods best. He quickly succeeds in finding her, but creepy albino brother again spills the beans and admits the queen is going to kill them both. Holy hell, it's a steep learning curve with this one.
So Snow White and the Huntsman both flee. And I've waited way, way too long to write this and my memory is failing me, so this won't be so detailed from this point. They reunite with William, Snow's childhood friend who escaped the city when shit first went down with the queen, and he's regretted abandoning her ever since. Perfect setup for a Team William v. Team Huntsman debate, with pale, dead-eyed Kristen in the middle. Yep.
Oh yes, there are dwarves. Except no little people actors -- they're all normal-size actors digitally shortened, and boy was that distracting. The first I recognized was Toby Jones, then Nick Frost, then Bob Hoskins (who comes the closest to qualifying as an actual dwarf). Harry Potter filming has wrapped and I'm sure Warwick Davis is wide open now, so WTF?
Yadda yadda. Snow becomes the rallying point of the people to rise against the queen, and if Kristen is out of her league as the stunning beauty that everyone would die for, she's utterly hopeless in a Joan of Arc position. Ugh. Ugh ugh.
Spoiler alert: They win the completely forgettable and visually confusing battle. Snow is crowned the benevolent new queen, and sorry Team William, you backed the wrong horse. The end.
In summary, the effects were well done, but not groundbreaking. The story and acting were mediocre to a fault, and I'm just really happy I didn't pay to see this movie.
Especially because the real show was happening about five rows in front of us. About eight local kids, about freshman age, preferred hanging out at the theater instead of the mall, and didn't let the difference of location affect their behavior in the slightest. They talked and laughed and played with their cellphones (which only seemed to function when held right at head height, not in their laps) from start to finish, only stopping to actually watch the movie for brief, infrequent intervals. In particular was an impish blonde girl (who I dubbed Dakota, as in Fanning) who spent the last half of the movie perched on the arm of her seat facing her friends. You would think there wasn't a movie playing at all. Boy, I'd be pissed if I were trying to enjoy it.
Dark Shadows I saw this with Ryan and MyFriendDeb, who, let's not forget, doesn't get out much. And I say this as someone who leaves the house twice a week.
We wanted to go on Memorial Day, but Deb was in a tizzy over holiday crowds. She suggested increasingly crazy-sounding plans, from cruising through the parking lot to see how full it was, to loitering by the ticket counter and seeing how many were being sold for our show. I swear she was only half joking.
We were saved by Men in Black 3 opening this weekend, and we were three of only seven people in the theater. Sheesh.
So, the movie. I had never watched the original TV series. I had surfed past it plenty of times, and it always seemed to just be people talking in a mansion with creepy dramatic music in the background. Tery and Deb assure me this description is essentially spot on.
Johnny, as you're probably aware, is Barnabas Collins, heir to his father's Maine cannery empire -- until he spurns the love of a witch, who kills his fiance and curses him to an eternity of bloodsucking; immediately afterwards imprisoning him in a chained coffin underground.
He's accidentally unearthed 200 years later by a construction crew who meet a grisly demise (after he apologizes first), but I must say, he's looking pretty hale for someone who hasn't eaten in two centuries, immortal or no; score one for Neil Jordan's Interview with the Vampire for showing us a believably desiccated Tom Cruise who had been subsisting on only rats and toads for a few months, as well as Underworld and Daybreakers. A starving vamp may not die, but he isn't pretty, either.
He returns to his family manor, to find his descendants teetering on the brink of bankruptcy: Michele Pfeiffer as his great granddaughter; Jonny Lee Miller as her useless brother and terrible father to a young boy; Helena Bonham-Carter as the boy's live-in shrink; and Chloe Grace Moretz as the sulky daughter.
They aren't sure what to make of him, and there are plenty of jokes to be had from the clash of cultures; as well as from the ignominy of the once grand estate being subjected to 70's decor (to prove he is their ancient relative, he springs the door on a hidden room; only to find it's now the home of Michele's macrame collection. LOLZ)
The laughs start to wane quickly, however, when his nemesis the witch (also immortal I guess) discovers his return and immediately resumes trying to seduce him. When she's unsuccessful, it becomes instead a very boring business rivalry between their competing canneries and hoo boy, I really couldn't care less.
In fact, there's one scene where people are talking in the library with unnecessarily atmospheric music that I felt sure was an homage, but I think slowed the pace down too much to make it worth it.
Meanwhile the new young nanny, who bears a suspicious resemblance to his dead fiance, was just hired, and they slowly (very slowly) begin to have a thing. Which doesn't please the witch much.
In a bizarre subplot, Helena Bonham-Carter is trying to cure his vampirism with massive blood replacements/transfusions, though why you'd trust a psychiatrist to perform such a procedure isn't clear. But then he discovers she's actually stealing his blood hoping for immortality for herself, so he kills her and dumps her in the ocean.
It's decided to throw a huge ball to ingratiate themselves to the townsfolk (to help their business), and Chloe asks for Alice Cooper to perform -- and no joke is spared making Barnabas mistake the rocker for a female. The ball scene is where Deb spotted Jonathan Frid, the original Barnabas, but so fleetingly he was gone by the time I deciphered her frantic whispers.
After this the plot becomes muddy fast. The nanny finally realizes Barnabas's true nature and is repulsed, and subsequently vanishes so long we practically forget about her. More seduction from the witch; this time when she's rebuffed she sticks Barnabas back in his coffin and turns the villagers against his family, torch and pitchfork style. A big battle ensues that is visually terribly confusing, not least of which because suddenly Chloe is a werewolf. I thought, "for the love of god, does EVERY vampire movie have to have a werewolf?!" But Deb assured me this too was from the series.
The family wins the battle, of course, but not before the witch tries to kill the nanny the same way she killed the fiance: by hypnotizing her into walking off a cliff. Barnabas jumps after her and manages to turn her before she hits the bottom -- none of this whinging and angsting for three movies begging your sparkly boyfriend to do the deed.
The big twist at the end is that, deep under the ocean, Helena Bonham-Carter has finally sero-converted into a vamp and wakes up, implying the possibility of a sequel. God, I hope not.
In summary, like all Burton's stuff lately, very pretty to look at (and not just Depp) but short on substance. Johnny is even a less convincing vamp than RPat, and similarly too adorable to be menacing. However, for this campy vamp role I don't think anyone else could have pulled it off. Worth a rental, at least, but I don't think I'll buy.
Still a better choice than Snow White and the Huntsman:
I was dead set against this, until I found myself in Casper, Wyoming (more details to follow in another post) with Tery, my sister and brother-in-law wanting to see something but unable to agree on anything else. My sister offered to pay, so what the hell.
I had every intention of giving Kristen "Twilight's Bella" Stewart a second chance. I want to like her, I do. But after suffering through this, I've come to the conclusion that it's not that she's the worst actress ever; she just keeps getting horribly miscast as a woman so beautiful that people would die for her. That and she keeps getting roles that require a range of emotions I suspect she's just not capable of. Not unlike Kevin Costner.
I'll go one step further and say, if not for Twilight, she'd probably be as obscure and unknown as she deserves.
So. Snow White's good kingly father is tricked into marrying witchy Charlize Theron, who murders him and imprisons Snow White in a tower until she grows into Kristen Stewart (a hideously cruel punishment). But Charlize notices some gray hair and frowny wrinkles and uses her evil power to suck the youth from her subjects.
Some words about Charlize's performance: I thought it was the most enjoyable part of the movie (which isn't necessarily an unequivocal Oscar vote), until we got in the car and my brother-in-law exclaimed, "She was just phoning it in, wasn't she?" Lots of reviews also throw around words like "scenery chewing" and "over the top," so take that for what it's worth. I'll admit my expectations of excellence from her might have distorted my perception.
She does play scarily unbalanced, if not straight up evil, pretty well. Even if she didn't, the movie seemed prepared to do the job for her: there's a scene that opens on the common folk in the street scrambling to catch a flow of what looks like milk coming from the palace. Cut to the queen taking a milk bath in her chambers. The same milk? Because ew.
At any rate, since taking over, naturally the kingdom has fallen into a state of decay and despair, which seems fine by her. It's not clear what her end-game is, but it certainly isn't helped by her weird, pseudo-albino brother. For instance, he's apparently Snow White's primary jailer, and when he tries to escort her to the queen (who plans to suck up her youth) he gleefully informs her that she'll never return to the cell again. Well, surprise, surprise, she puts up a bit of a struggle, raking her nails down his face and escaping to the woods.
Enter Chris Hemsworth as The Hunter hired to recapture her because he knows the woods best. He quickly succeeds in finding her, but creepy albino brother again spills the beans and admits the queen is going to kill them both. Holy hell, it's a steep learning curve with this one.
So Snow White and the Huntsman both flee. And I've waited way, way too long to write this and my memory is failing me, so this won't be so detailed from this point. They reunite with William, Snow's childhood friend who escaped the city when shit first went down with the queen, and he's regretted abandoning her ever since. Perfect setup for a Team William v. Team Huntsman debate, with pale, dead-eyed Kristen in the middle. Yep.
Oh yes, there are dwarves. Except no little people actors -- they're all normal-size actors digitally shortened, and boy was that distracting. The first I recognized was Toby Jones, then Nick Frost, then Bob Hoskins (who comes the closest to qualifying as an actual dwarf). Harry Potter filming has wrapped and I'm sure Warwick Davis is wide open now, so WTF?
Yadda yadda. Snow becomes the rallying point of the people to rise against the queen, and if Kristen is out of her league as the stunning beauty that everyone would die for, she's utterly hopeless in a Joan of Arc position. Ugh. Ugh ugh.
Spoiler alert: They win the completely forgettable and visually confusing battle. Snow is crowned the benevolent new queen, and sorry Team William, you backed the wrong horse. The end.
In summary, the effects were well done, but not groundbreaking. The story and acting were mediocre to a fault, and I'm just really happy I didn't pay to see this movie.
Especially because the real show was happening about five rows in front of us. About eight local kids, about freshman age, preferred hanging out at the theater instead of the mall, and didn't let the difference of location affect their behavior in the slightest. They talked and laughed and played with their cellphones (which only seemed to function when held right at head height, not in their laps) from start to finish, only stopping to actually watch the movie for brief, infrequent intervals. In particular was an impish blonde girl (who I dubbed Dakota, as in Fanning) who spent the last half of the movie perched on the arm of her seat facing her friends. You would think there wasn't a movie playing at all. Boy, I'd be pissed if I were trying to enjoy it.