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[grump_e]

I have this "I don't know if I can do this anymore.." feeling. But I don't know what the alternative is.. or maybe the alternative would be worse, in some way, than the status-quo, so I don't want to look too hard at that option, either. I'm not even sure I know what this, that I don't want to keep doing, is

Comments

[psyfiend]

Erin, I know exactly how you feel. *hugz* Look at my pic for inspiration :)

[grump_e]

thanks, *hugz*=)
I wish I could get to a place where I feel like your picture about everything. "Fuck you, fuck that, fuck off, leave me alone."
but right now me, and my life, are just a mess..

[clockworkrat]

Look at my pic for inspiration :)

[grump_e]

lol.
yah, if that doesn't inspire me I just don't know what will... =P

[xaotica]

maybe make a list of all the things you want to do but aren't because you feel like you can't? then pick one and decide to do it anyway

[grump_e]

that sounds like a good idea... until I think of all the things I want to do and realize that a lot of them hinge on money that I don't have, and as hard as I'm trying, don't think I'm going to be able to come up with.. and that fuckin tears me apart.
and then there's things that I just don't have all the control over. So I have to just wait and see how they play out, and I'm not a patient person, and it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy.

have you ever wanted to just give up, lay down in a field or on the beach, some beautiful place to say goodbye to this world, and die? Because I think it would be very hard for anyone to understand how I feel if they haven't felt that before..

[xaotica]

yeah, i have... my mom is bipolar and it's quite possible that i inherited some mood/depression issues too unfortunately :/

are you working at this point, or does your illness interfere w/that too much?

[grump_e]

yah, I can't really get a job. They don't take too kindly when you call in sick for a week and a half every couple months. Plus a day or two here and there. I have been thinking about getting a job, I am desperately trying to find money to go to burningman this summer.. but I'm not sure where I could work and not feel too bad just quitting all of a sudden when I want to leave, or somewhere that would be cool with my illness.

I need to do *something*, though. I fucked up school again this quarter (yay me=(=() and I haven't really taken charge of this insurance settlement like I should have.. but I guess thinking about it, the insurance settlement is a good place to start. I think I'll make all the necessary calls tomorrow..

and thanks for your comments and understanding, it really does help..

[karmaeleon]

I'm just now getting to read this, I missed it somehow since your post before this one...I hope things are progressing for you and you are meeting some new people to hang out with..

[grump_e]

meeting new people: nope. not really.
progressing: heh. All I'm doing is failing at everything I try, and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore..

I miss you, though. I wish I could come over and we could smoke and talk - you always made me feel better when we did that..

[karmaeleon]

awww, I wish you were here or I was there so we can hang out!! I will be passing thru on late Sunday on the way back from oregon...do you have the same phone number? Maybe we can meet up for some grilled cheese and smokey-chat! (I'll have Ryan and possibly Fred with me too!)...

[grump_e]

I would *love* to see all of you guys! I saw your bulletin about going down through Eugene and back up the coast. I would SSOOO go with you guys if I had the money, it sounds fantastic!
However, if you're planning to go back up the coast, as far as SeaSide, even, you probably won't be passing back through Portland on your way back.. you end up hitting I5 up near Kelso if you go that route. But maybe there'd be a way to make it work. Or we might have to wait till next time I'm in town..