(no subject)
"Then why," he intoned, "did you marry me?"
I think I get the “intoned” thing. It means you’re supposed to be thinking of Alan Rickman’s voice. Which I don’t find all that sexy, but… whatever. And this is a rather bad time to be making him seem SEXAY.
Lily refused to look up at him. "I guess I felt--after all you did--well, I'd have felt really bad, Sev, to think you went to all that trouble for nothing."
*vein throbs in temple* Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. Because I would MARRY someone as an act of pity. Yeeeees. Excuse me, I am about to have a fit of bad language.
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS “LILY” IN THIS FIC, WHY DOES SHE HAVE MY NAME, AND WHAT THE FUCK IS SEV DOING WITH HER?! She is NOT me! NOT! NOT! NOT!
...*TWITCHES*
…All right, Sev, your turn. :D;;
…Erk…
"You felt sorry for me."
She set the spoon down, precisely,
*silky voice* Because random adverbs make your fic so much more intellectual and well-written, Miss “bohemianspirit”? Is that what you believe?
Ten points from the House of idiots, which is to say Gryffi- *remembers what Lily’s House is* ..Gryffilepuvenrin, House of Sues?
Nice. Try.
next to the cup and saucer.
Severus felt sick.
"So," he said, his voice low. "You are telling me that the marriage I entered into as--as a sacred thing:
Give me back that Draught of Living Death. NOW.
I must warn you before you try anything, Snape, that the Imperius Curse does not work on the spork captain. :D
to love, to honor, to devote all that I am and all that I ever will have...
What is this sickeningly maudlin tripe?! How can the author write this with a straight face?
Dunno. I’m still trying to figure out how Harry managed to give a “And now, let me explain all of my Dumbledore’s evil gallant plan to you, Mr. Bond Riddle” speech in DH with a straight face. One must admire his self-restraint.
for you it's been merely a twenty-year act of mercy sex?"
Say “pity fuck” if you mean “pity fuck”. It would be less out-of-character for me than the previous lump of this nonsense has been.
And it only gets worse, I think…
*looks down at next few lines* I amend my comment to “This fic is a piece of ridiculous out-of-character tripe. I cannot see how you can possibly claim to be a fan of mine in light of your complete inability to grasp my characterization.”
Lily's Bohemianspirit’s head snapped up. "That's a terrible thing to say, Sev."
He held her gaze without relenting. "But it's true."
She averted her eyes.
Severus bowed his head, staring helplessly into his tea.
"I was afraid you'd go back to your Death Eater friends, if I didn't," Lily said.
Because OF COURSE I would MARRY a man who hated - or at the very least, didn’t care about the welfare of - Muggleborns enough to be friends with Death Eaters! Of COURSE!
…*averts his eyes*
His hands clenched around the tea cup. "Is that how little you thought of me?" he murmured. "It never occurred to you that I left them for my own reasons--reasons that had to do with--with--choosing my way?"
*annoyed and confused* And HOW is that different from choosing Lily over the Death Eaters?
…I CAN see what the author’s trying to say, but that IS rather easy to misinterpret.
And look. Is it THAT hard to just accept Snape was a Pureblood supremacist jerk who made an exception for the friend he was obsessed with?
Meh. I accept Snape’s characterization in DH, especially when I managed to grasp it. It’s really not that hard. I’m sure he’s a good person to his Slytherins (and possibly Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who don’t get on his nerves), and if he’d had any friends after Lily (which he probably didn’t), he’d be fanatically loyal to them. But he’s an ass to everyone else, because he gets off on power trips. He’s a highly embittered geek. I can easily accept his father being emotionally abusive (and his mother having long since grown to hate Muggles and everything to do with them), but not the OMG PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE RAPIST SONOFABITCH you see in fanon. Gee, it’s not like emotional abuse alone can deal ANY lasting psychological harm. Nooooooooooope. Inferiority complexes, tendencies to become an abuser oneself (due to needing power over SOMETHING and perceiving abuse as the only real way to get it), etc… JUST A FIGMENT OF EVERYONE’S IMAGINATION! !!1111!!!1!
Gawd, I HATE Suethors. (/end rant) …(begin new rant) I can say many things about my Sues and Stus when I was younger (including that Grindelwald, aside from his Cruciating Aberforth [which didn’t fit the FTGG pattern], would have gotten a “Welcome to the Club” flyer), but I never had this “most abusive parent in the universe” crap. In fact, it was just frickin’ amazing how many of them created SEKRIT IDENITITIES so that their loving parents WOULDN’T know what they were doing for the good of all… since, you know, even if you’re conquering the world or the playground or the city to save it, adults tend to be a bit dense about understanding the reasons for such things and just shriek “WHAT IN BLAZES MADE YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!”. Meanies. -_-;; But the point there wasn’t that their parents would OMG ABUSE THEM (any more than the Stus and Sues deserved) if they were found out, but that their parents would be miserably unhappy about “Oh gad, my children are trying to take over the world. What in the world did I do wrong?”, and the kids didn’t want that because - surprise! - they actually cared about their parents.
Sheesh. Uh, and what I meant by all this is that it’s really not necessary to have your characters have OMG THE MOST MISERABLE CHILDHOODS IN THE WORLD for them to be sympathetic. Really. And, for that matter, if they do have canonically dysfunctional families, “dysfunctional” doesn’t have to mean “The beatings will continue until morale improves”. Why is it that emotional abuse is always portrayed as only a supplement to physical abuse? I just don’t GET it. *grumbles* Sorry for all the off-topicness. I just… gah. (/end new rant)
Silence.
Severus lifted the cup, tightening his hold so he wouldn't spill tea all over his robes as he sipped. His hands were still shaking as he set the cup back on the table.
"I'm sorry."
His lip curled. "It's a bit late for that."
"I am sorry, Sev."
*still inserting bohemianspirit in as the other speaker* Then why did you write this rubbish?
Because she makes that “Vernon” my sister is dating look intelligent?
From upstairs came the first stirrings of the children beginning their day.
"Well." Severus sat up straight; at the sound of his voice Lily looked up at him. "I guess you've chosen your way--and mine.
And I’m supposed to believe Sev will stand for this - after TWENTY WHOLE YEARS OF MARRIAGE - without even checking my mind for Memory Charms or mind-controlling spells? Mm-hmm.
Shall I gather my things now, or would you like a few moments to discuss the distribution of our property?"
Finally, a vaguely in-character line! Vaguely. Although the author should note that my tone of voice is far from conciliatory.
It was altered from The Prince’s Tale, when you’re being snide to Dumbledore after he announces to you that he wants you to kill him. A Snapefen even commented ‘I love how you’ve taken canon lines and made them your own’ - i.e. “Rose Potter, eat your heart out”.
...Why am I only slightly surprised.
"That won't be necessary." Lily pushed away from the table and stood. "I've got a place to go; you and the children can stay here."
I’m completely astonished the author passed up an opportunity to make me seem even more evil and have me throw my children and Sev out on the street, into the COLD, COLD rain on a DARK and STORMY night.
At that point, I believe I’d rediscover how to use wandless magic and leave the house in ruins, so I *grits teeth* suppose, giving the author the benefit of the doubt, that it makes sense -
Excuse me?! Give WHO the benefit of the WHAT?!
...Good point.
"How very thoughtful."
She flinched.
Severus closed his eyes, sinking back in the chair. "Lily," he sighed. "I did love you. Or I thought I loved you--I thought I knew--" He looked up, one last time, into those eyes. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should get my vision checked."
Because I cannot be seeing this fic correctly. No one could have seriously written this, and I failed to see “Parody” in the list of genres at the beginning.
Well, then, I need my vision checked, too. I keep seeing this creature’s name as “Lily”, and that can’t be right.
…I was afraid of that. *starts looking for Fic-Obliterating Curse*
I’m sorry, we sporkers have been looking for that for years. You are bound to finish a fic once you start sporking it, unless you’re going irrevocably insane.
*flips through Sacrifices Arc* …Hmm. “A vates is -”
You are making me use the Keyboard of Power a lot today, aren’t you? *Keyboards away the Sacrifices Arc*
Lily? Do you know of anywhere we can find a vates?
The answer is “No, not in these sporking dimensions, for there are no sporkers sick in the head enough to VOLUNTARILY spork LMM and the Draco Trilogy, and so I am most throughoutly screwed if the sporkers are ever allowed freedom.”
No, Sev, but I feel a sudden urge to help you find one. A violent urge. *glances at Guardian’s Song*
HEY! This fic is insulting YOU two! NOT me!
She stared at him, wordlessly, then turned away and walked out of the kitchen.
Lily’s characterization... gone...
"Dad?"
Severus looked up at his oldest child, the only one who had his eyes.
*snorts* Unlucky child.
He nodded, once, and Al slid into the seat opposite his father.
AL?
I think he’s Albus Severus, to tell from comments.
I named a child after Dumbledore?
Well, canonically, James and Lily’s son did.
…*grabs a bucket and starts heaving*
I still can’t believe I married him.
Yeah, well, apparently he ~*changed over the next school year or two*~ and was Head Boy in his seventh year. *pats on back* Relax. It could be worse. This fanfic could be canon.
Well, THANK YOU!!!
You’re welcome. :D
"Your mother and I are getting a divorce," Severus said.
No, Al wasn't at all surprised.
A subtle, fluid gesture from Al, and the dregs in Severus' tea cup were replaced by steaming, strong coffee,
I can tell it’s strong just by looking at it or smelling it. Truly, I am more talented than even I knew. *snorts*
full to the brim.
Where it promptly splashed over and burnt my hand, and I had a little talk with the brat about the difference between dramatic effects and practical ones.
In spite of himself COMMA!
…It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? :D
Snape and Lily: *are still twitching and covering their ears*
Severus felt a slight smile emerge. "Thank you."
Al smiled back. "I learned from the best."
Severus inhaled the fragrant steam, watching his son summon and fill a cup for himself. Oh, to be seventeen, ready to win the world with a wand and a word.
And then, we shall be masters of death! And the Muggles shall be put in their rightful place!
Yes, and we shall be loved, and all shall wonder that the world ever put up with the previous state of affairs in the first place. Wizards? Fearing Muggles? *shakes head* And Muggles, left to flounder in their uncivilized state, knowing nothing of magic or what good it can do - no more knowledgeable than beasts? (And, indeed, less knowledgeable than many magical beasts.) How could anyone deny that the current state of affairs is untenable?
*raises an eyebrow*
…Well, I do admit, I could have, before you came. *smiles fondly*
*smiles* *plays with Albus’s hair*
…*sigh* I admit my characterization is off from usual, but I haven’t written much of them recently. -_-;; Seriously, with a line like that (especially in context of multiple lines altered from DH), what else was I SUPPOSED to think of?
Al glanced up at him, just then. "You'll be all right."
Severus held his gaze for a few moments, then, slowly, nodded. "Eventually."
When this monstrosity is over.
IN FORTY-FIVE WORDS, YOU BIG BABY.
How long has it been since it began?
Nine-hundred twenty-nine words.
It seems far longer. Are you sure?
Obviously, Hogwarts DOES Sort too soon. Reminds me of the time Harry - that’s your son with James Potter - went screaming off into the hills and never came back…
What had you forced him to read?
Oh, just a fic where he became super-feminine and the pregnant lover of the Dark Lord. Nothing out of the ordinary for HP fanfiction.
…*after parsing that sentence, is forced to forsake his pride and imitate the son of James Potter*
… BUT I HAVE GROWN STRONGER IN THE FORCE SINCE THEN, and I shall not let you escape. >:D
Do hexes work on you?
No.
Pseudo-Sue powers?
No, although you might end up having to live out the rest of your career as a sporker with a spork stuck in your shoulder.
Just plain, old-fashioned Muggle-like physical assault?
Look, do you guys know the meaning of the word FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?
The thought came to him of breakfast, and no sooner had he thought it than Al was sending pans and spatulas and bacon and eggs flying through the kitchen to come together on the stove.
I do love my son prying into my mind without any permission whatsoever.
I know. Isn’t he a lovely boy?
"Don't forget the toast," said Severus, holding back a smile.
And so, ding-dong, the fic is dead.
AVADA KEDAVRA!
*dodges* HEY! This was avenging an insult to you and Lily! And that’s an UNFORGIVABLE!
I know. Isn’t it gallant? CRUCIO!
…*dismisses it with Keyboard of Power* The joy of canon Gryffindors under pressure. Anyway, that’s all, folks! :DDDDDD *RUNS LIKE HELL from the now-slightly-deranged sporkers*
END SPORK