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Brief parody ficlet. And I mean BRIEF-brief. (EDIT: 1817 words?! WHAT PART OF “BRIEF” DOES MY MIND NOT ****ING UNDERSTAND?! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DRABBLE! …Sorry, Mrs. Weasley. Here’s your Capslock back. *bows*)
Well, That Explains A Lot
Note: Takes place during the chapter corresponding to The Missing Mirror in Rose Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which was thankfully never written. Knowledge of the legendary Mary Sue known as Rose “Rosey” Potter needed to get the joke. ;) Ask Das Mervin about her if you don’t know. (Frankly, if I had to guess? This is the REAL reason Halcyon found himself up a creek without a paddle when DH came out. You just can’t write a psychotic Sue with wandless magic and copypaste Aberforth’s tale with a straight face.)
In short, she’s a Girl!Harry rage-filled ninja nudist druidess who can do wandless magic and learned powerful spells from none other than Albus Dumbledore. And she’s (to tell from the subtext-that’s-text-for-all-intents-and-purposes) a lesbian in DEEEEEEEEEEEP denial. Oh, and she bashes Ron like no tomorrow (sometimes literally bashes). Her “fellow druidesses” (read: Lust Objects) are Ginny and Luna, with Hermione on the side. :P
EDIT: Damnit! I’m no JKR, and so I missed several lines I wanted to put in, the ICness lapsed pretty badly (yes, I was trying to write a parody of Rose Potter with IC characters, despite ICness having fallen long before in actual Rosey-Potter-land), and I wasn’t really able to come up with a good conclusion. And I didn’t get to mention the “druidess" nonsense or the closted-lesbian-in-denial stuff or any of that. *sigh* May it still be vaguely entertaining.
Rating: PG-13 for Rose Potter being her usual b*tchy, violent, foul-mouthed self.
Word Count: 1,817 words. I SAID my mind doesn’t understand “brief”. D:<
==
“Merlin,” Weasley muttered, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. “I never would have -”
“Oh, who cares!” shouted Potter. She grabbed Weasley by the shoulder and shook him. “All well and nice, but we’ve got a war on, if you didn’t notice, Ronald Weasley! We have to get to Hogwarts!”
Aberforth was trying to think of a word strong enough to express his feelings, but then Weasley burst into hysterical laughter. And it had more than enough hysteria. “Rosey, stop the high-and-mighty-ness! Look, I’m sorry I didn’t know, but you never told - I would have helped if -”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Weasley threw up his hands. “And I’m Merlin! I mean - bloody hell, I can understand, really. Big new world, everyone loves you, you’re a kid, you make up stories to impress everyone. Even - well, especially to explain away… strange things. ‘I can move freakishly -”
“Freak?! SHUT UP, WEASLEY, BEFORE I -”
“Sorry, sorry, bad choice of words. ‘I can move incredibly fast when enraged because I’m… uh… a ninja!’ ‘I blow holes in things frequently because I - uh - learned it out of a book!” Sorry, Rosey, never had the heart to tell you this, but if you could manage to get a book that had that sort of spell in it when you were eleven, Fred and George would’ve managed it.”
“Hagrid bought it for me!” Potter exclaimed, seeming more frightened than angry. But what did Potter have to be afraid of? Potter, the Chosen One. Potter, with all the special powers. Potter, the Girl Who Lived.
…Unless…
“They don’t let those sorts of books out of sight unless it’s a Pureblood or something who’s purchasing them - and Hagrid had his wand broken, you think they’d really be willing to have him purchase one? And what’s your excuse for all the wandless magic where you throw people across rooms, smash things up, and generally wreak hav-”
“I,” Potter said, drawing herself up to her full height, “am a - a - a -” Weasley looked at her, and abruptly, she looked rather helpless, and bit her lower lip. “I’m special, really! Really!”
“Have a hard time lying when someone tries a bit of Legilimency, Rose?” Weasley said, one corner of his mouth quirking up; despite that, he looked like an old, old man. “Nah, you never lied to me to begin with. At the time, I guess, I resented it, thought you were keeping secrets, but - I’m the one you’re most honest with, aren’t I?”
Granger burst out, “Ron - Ron, stop, you have to st-”
Weasley looked at her with dawning realization. “Hermione. You’re in on this, aren’t you?”
Granger paled. “I - I have no idea what you’re talking about. None at all!”
“Ginny went along with it because she worshipped Rose, Luna because - well, she’d believe anything -, but…” He shook his head. “You and Diggory and Dumble- Albus, sorry -, you had to know something was wrong with Rose. And McGonagall, too. And… you all knew. Neville, guess he just tried to keep out of the line of fire, but you -” Weasley gave an incredulous laugh. “Seven years of public exposure. And you thought your mum was good at lying, Aber- sir.”
“I am nothing like that girl - Ariana or whatever her name was!” Potter shouted, grabbing Weasley by the shoulders and beginning to shake him like a terrier would a rat. “Shut up! Shut up! I’m fine!”
“He doesn’t mean it, Rosey, he just doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Granger said in a soothing voice, moving towards Potter slowly; Potter stopped shaking Weasley. “Let’s calm down. Apologize, Ron, will you?”
“If she kills me - fine, let her,” Weasley said, his face unnaturally calm. “Then, there will be no one to tell her otherwise when she’s babbling on about how special and wonderful she is -”
Potter hit him in the chest with both palms, and he collapsed onto the floor, coughing. “Shut up, Ron,” she said through her teeth. “Go away.”
“S’pose this passes for affection with you, Rosey?” Weasley said, trying to laugh but only managing painful coughs. “You were actually kind of nice to start with. Remember? Lonely kid, put on airs, but…” He closed his eyes. “Gone now, I guess. Anyway, you want me to go away? Hit me in the torso again. I’ll go away for good.”
“Relax, Ron,” Granger said, trying to force a smile, “It’ll be fine, it’ll -”
“She got me pretty good when I was trying to run off,” Weasley said, his eyes still closed. “Only survived because - well, not sure, frankly, according to the group of Muggleborns that found me, I was either unconscious or delirious for the next two weeks. S’pose they’re right - unless there really was a heavenly chorus singing about goats and world domination while my internal organs were attempting to do a bunk. Anyway. If you mean it, Rose…”
Potter stared down at him, then jerked her gaze upwards. “Hogwarts awaits. Let’s go.”
“No, seriously, take a look,” Weasley said, opening his eyes. “Pretty much a mass of scar tissue from neck to belly button. I miss my chest hair.” He smiled wryly and painfully.
“No one asked you about your chest hair,” Potter snapped. “Now, got any ideas on how we get to Hogwarts, Aberforth?”
Aberforth opened and closed his mouth, then shook his head. “Can’t believe Albus,” was the only thing he could manage to say.
“I said, HOW DO WE GET TO HOGWARTS?!”
“Would’ve thought they’d stopped by now,” Ariana mumbled from behind Aberforth, and he turned around and saw her coming back through the tunnel; Longbottom was visible behind her. “But Alby told me she’s noisy.”
“She’s sort of like you, only much nastier,” Longbottom replied in hushed tones.
“Uh-huh. Um, Nevvy, when -” -she fumbled for the words and concepts- “-this is - when this’s gone ‘way, will you and Loony still vis-”
“Neville!” Potter bellowed, and Ariana’s face crumpled. “Get out of that portrait! First of all, we strike to kill any and all Death Eaters and sympathizers - I’ll handle Malfoy myself - we use whatever we know, yes, that includes Unforgivables-”
“Stop yelling, you’re making her miserable,” Aberforth snarled at Potter. “If anything, you should understand -”
“Think Grindelwald had the right idea about you!” Potter snapped back, and started groping her own thigh. “I had a wand here -”
“You mean that twig you dipped in Fred and George’s Special Sparkle Spray?” Weasley asked from the floor. “I was wondering what you were doing. It kind of snapped when you fell off the dragon while you were dancing around on its back.”
“Shut up, Ron!” she snarled. “Anyway-”
“We’ll discuss this on the way, how about that?” Longbottom said, holding up a hand palm-out. “Everyone’s waiting in the Room of Requirement. They’re all there for you, Rosey.”
“For me?” Potter asked, suddenly calming down.
“Yes, for you,” Longbottom said, sounding as if he’d practiced these lines a thousand times before and yet was still reading from a script. He glanced downwards. “They want you. They all agree that it’s up to you. You’re the important one.”
“I’m the important one,” Potter said, nodding as if she was in a trance.
“I can’t believe this,” Weasley muttered, covering his face with one hand. Granger snorted and bent down to help him up.
“So come on, let’s go to all your admirers, everyone who loves you and isn’t going to hurt you or anything,” Longbottom said, and this time as he glanced downwards, a piece of parchment was briefly visible at the bottom of the painting. So he was reading from a script. And Aberforth could guess who’d written it. Merlin. He’d been dead for almost a year, and Albus was still pulling the strings from beyond the grave. Longbottom gestured, then looked confused. “Um, it should have opened -”
“Don’t like her, Nevvy,” Ariana muttered, clinging to Longbottom’s robes. “Make her go ‘way. Make her go ‘way.”
“It’s fine, Ariana,” Longbottom said, patting her on the head, “It’s fine - look, I can get her through the tunnel on my own -”
“What if she hurts you?!”
“Are we going or not?” Potter asked, making a face. A moment later, she remembered her persona, and lifted her nose in the air. “Shall we go?”
Ariana clung tighter to Longbottom, but he nudged her, and she looked out, and a moment later, the portrait swung open and Longbottom clambered out. “Yeah. The members of Dumbledore’s Army, your faithful adherents, await the tales of your valor, Rosey!” Longbottom said, glancing down at the parchment now obviously visible in his hand. Oh, yes. There was no doubting Albus had written those lines.
“Naturally, their fawning annoys me, but who am I to argue with the masses?” Potter said, climbing onto the mantelpiece. “My adoring friends!” Weasley let out a mad laugh, but she ignored him. “Onward! We shall show the old bastard who’s boss!” With that, she turned and went into the tunnel.
“You going?” Longbottom whispered to Weasley, who Granger had now helped to his feet.
“A far, far better thing than I have ever done… I’ve got to, yeah?”
Granger looked at him with surprise. “You’ve read A Tale of Two Cities?”
“It’s from a book? I heard one of the Muggleborns who picked me up saying it,” Weasley said. “Give me a boost, will you, Neville? Thanks.”
Together, Longbottom and Granger hoisted him up to the mantelpiece, and he, too, entered the tunnel. Then, the other two young adults made it into the tunnel, and swung Ariana’s portrait shut behind them. Ariana looked at them worriedly, but Neville smiled and shrugged. “Relax. She can’t outdo the Carrows,” he said to her.
“And then, I shall make Malfoy scream for days!” Potter cackled, flinging out her arms as she sprinted down the tunnel with inhuman speed. “On end!”
“I think,” Longbottom amended. He turned to Aberforth. “By the way, Ab, there’s going to be -”
“What are you waiting for?!” Potter shrieked. “I can’t get this damn trapdoor open!”
“Um, never mind, tell you when I get back,” Longbottom said hurriedly, and turned and yelled, “Coming, Rosey!” Then, he ran down the tunnel after Potter, Weasley and Granger following him. Ariana sighed and slumped against the tunnel entrance.
“He is going to be all right, isn’t he?” she asked, looking sick with worry.
After mentally vowing to beat the living daylights out of Albus once he died and met the berk again, Aberforth replied, “Sure.”
Ariana brightened. “Hooray.”
“Love me and despair!” Potter cried joyfully in the distance; she had undoubtedly just made it into the Room of Requirement.
“Question is, when You-Know-Who’s gone, what are we going to do about her?”
Ariana looked at Aberforth, her face perplexed. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” Aberforth muttered. “I hate Albus.”
=
Author’s Note: Things I wanted to include, but couldn’t:
- Ron realizing that Rose has been sleeping in a forest every summer for the last six or so years… without benefit of druids. (Couldn’t fit, and besides, no one told him about the druids.)
-Ron commenting on the “druids”. (I don’t think he ever found out in-fic.)
-Ron asking exactly when Rose snapped. (Decided it could be taken as too nasty to be IC.)
- Ariana making a comment about “Ah, I prefer boysex, myself” when Rose begins to ramble on about “sisterly embraces”. (Couldn’t fit, and was trying to stick as much to canon and RP-canon as much as possible.)
- Ariana making a comment about Albus having bribed her off by putting portrait frames in the Slytherin sixth-year and seventh-year boys’ rooms. (Again, sacrificed cheap humor for some vague attempt at canon characterization.)
-Weasley turned to Granger. “And does Rose actually think she can talk to animals, or is that another -”
“Oh, I can talk to goats too! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. See?” Ariana said cheerfully from her portrait.
Weasley winced. “Question answered.”
(Ended up having Ariana run to Neville on her own so that I didn’t have to have her interrupting the conversation by going into a rage.)
-A clarification of exactly what spirit was singing about “goats and world domination”. (Couldn’t find a place to put it in… You can guess who it was.)
-More about Ron and Rose. (Couldn’t quite figure out what to say.)
-Ariana and Rose having an enraged, wandless-magic-filled catfight. (Made things a bit too difficult to resolve, and it sort of lost the humor when I tried to have everything IC.)
-More detail on exactly what had been going on with Rose for the last seven years. (Had this in a previous edition. I ended up rewriting the entire thing due to it being in extremely poor taste, if true to Rose-fanon - to quote that edition [as Rose is busy groping Luna and Ginny]: ““Can’t believe you,” Aberforth muttered, feeling sick to his stomach. “This is how you keep her calm and happy? Just throw naked bodies at her? Just… can’t believe you lot.””)
-More ICness. D|;; (On the other hand, for Rose Potterverse, they were pretty IC…)
-Put more Aberforth-lines in. (Aaaaaagh, I couldn’t figure out a place to break the conversation. *facepalm* I need Mad-Eye Moody to teach me how to interrupt dialogue.)
-A bit more clarification on Albus manipulating people to not ask about Rosey the Batshit. :P
…Anyway. :P Yes, you can see (at least one-sided) Ariana/Neville if you squint. …Oh gad. *FLASHBACKS TO THE SUE KNOWN AS ARIANA BLACK* D| No FAIR, JKR! I swear you set that up so crack-shippers could stumble into that trap! XP Uh, anyway. *shudders* But anyway, you could just view it as a friendship thing. (He has to be somewhat friendly with her in-canon - he’s been going through the tunnel, right? She would have spazzed out on him if he made her tense.) :P *is an unashamed crack-shipper*
Eh. Hail canon! *waves Canon flag*
Well, That Explains A Lot
Note: Takes place during the chapter corresponding to The Missing Mirror in Rose Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which was thankfully never written. Knowledge of the legendary Mary Sue known as Rose “Rosey” Potter needed to get the joke. ;) Ask Das Mervin about her if you don’t know. (Frankly, if I had to guess? This is the REAL reason Halcyon found himself up a creek without a paddle when DH came out. You just can’t write a psychotic Sue with wandless magic and copypaste Aberforth’s tale with a straight face.)
In short, she’s a Girl!Harry rage-filled ninja nudist druidess who can do wandless magic and learned powerful spells from none other than Albus Dumbledore. And she’s (to tell from the subtext-that’s-text-for-all-intents-and-purposes) a lesbian in DEEEEEEEEEEEP denial. Oh, and she bashes Ron like no tomorrow (sometimes literally bashes). Her “fellow druidesses” (read: Lust Objects) are Ginny and Luna, with Hermione on the side. :P
EDIT: Damnit! I’m no JKR, and so I missed several lines I wanted to put in, the ICness lapsed pretty badly (yes, I was trying to write a parody of Rose Potter with IC characters, despite ICness having fallen long before in actual Rosey-Potter-land), and I wasn’t really able to come up with a good conclusion. And I didn’t get to mention the “druidess" nonsense or the closted-lesbian-in-denial stuff or any of that. *sigh* May it still be vaguely entertaining.
Rating: PG-13 for Rose Potter being her usual b*tchy, violent, foul-mouthed self.
Word Count: 1,817 words. I SAID my mind doesn’t understand “brief”. D:<
==
“Merlin,” Weasley muttered, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. “I never would have -”
“Oh, who cares!” shouted Potter. She grabbed Weasley by the shoulder and shook him. “All well and nice, but we’ve got a war on, if you didn’t notice, Ronald Weasley! We have to get to Hogwarts!”
Aberforth was trying to think of a word strong enough to express his feelings, but then Weasley burst into hysterical laughter. And it had more than enough hysteria. “Rosey, stop the high-and-mighty-ness! Look, I’m sorry I didn’t know, but you never told - I would have helped if -”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Weasley threw up his hands. “And I’m Merlin! I mean - bloody hell, I can understand, really. Big new world, everyone loves you, you’re a kid, you make up stories to impress everyone. Even - well, especially to explain away… strange things. ‘I can move freakishly -”
“Freak?! SHUT UP, WEASLEY, BEFORE I -”
“Sorry, sorry, bad choice of words. ‘I can move incredibly fast when enraged because I’m… uh… a ninja!’ ‘I blow holes in things frequently because I - uh - learned it out of a book!” Sorry, Rosey, never had the heart to tell you this, but if you could manage to get a book that had that sort of spell in it when you were eleven, Fred and George would’ve managed it.”
“Hagrid bought it for me!” Potter exclaimed, seeming more frightened than angry. But what did Potter have to be afraid of? Potter, the Chosen One. Potter, with all the special powers. Potter, the Girl Who Lived.
…Unless…
“They don’t let those sorts of books out of sight unless it’s a Pureblood or something who’s purchasing them - and Hagrid had his wand broken, you think they’d really be willing to have him purchase one? And what’s your excuse for all the wandless magic where you throw people across rooms, smash things up, and generally wreak hav-”
“I,” Potter said, drawing herself up to her full height, “am a - a - a -” Weasley looked at her, and abruptly, she looked rather helpless, and bit her lower lip. “I’m special, really! Really!”
“Have a hard time lying when someone tries a bit of Legilimency, Rose?” Weasley said, one corner of his mouth quirking up; despite that, he looked like an old, old man. “Nah, you never lied to me to begin with. At the time, I guess, I resented it, thought you were keeping secrets, but - I’m the one you’re most honest with, aren’t I?”
Granger burst out, “Ron - Ron, stop, you have to st-”
Weasley looked at her with dawning realization. “Hermione. You’re in on this, aren’t you?”
Granger paled. “I - I have no idea what you’re talking about. None at all!”
“Ginny went along with it because she worshipped Rose, Luna because - well, she’d believe anything -, but…” He shook his head. “You and Diggory and Dumble- Albus, sorry -, you had to know something was wrong with Rose. And McGonagall, too. And… you all knew. Neville, guess he just tried to keep out of the line of fire, but you -” Weasley gave an incredulous laugh. “Seven years of public exposure. And you thought your mum was good at lying, Aber- sir.”
“I am nothing like that girl - Ariana or whatever her name was!” Potter shouted, grabbing Weasley by the shoulders and beginning to shake him like a terrier would a rat. “Shut up! Shut up! I’m fine!”
“He doesn’t mean it, Rosey, he just doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Granger said in a soothing voice, moving towards Potter slowly; Potter stopped shaking Weasley. “Let’s calm down. Apologize, Ron, will you?”
“If she kills me - fine, let her,” Weasley said, his face unnaturally calm. “Then, there will be no one to tell her otherwise when she’s babbling on about how special and wonderful she is -”
Potter hit him in the chest with both palms, and he collapsed onto the floor, coughing. “Shut up, Ron,” she said through her teeth. “Go away.”
“S’pose this passes for affection with you, Rosey?” Weasley said, trying to laugh but only managing painful coughs. “You were actually kind of nice to start with. Remember? Lonely kid, put on airs, but…” He closed his eyes. “Gone now, I guess. Anyway, you want me to go away? Hit me in the torso again. I’ll go away for good.”
“Relax, Ron,” Granger said, trying to force a smile, “It’ll be fine, it’ll -”
“She got me pretty good when I was trying to run off,” Weasley said, his eyes still closed. “Only survived because - well, not sure, frankly, according to the group of Muggleborns that found me, I was either unconscious or delirious for the next two weeks. S’pose they’re right - unless there really was a heavenly chorus singing about goats and world domination while my internal organs were attempting to do a bunk. Anyway. If you mean it, Rose…”
Potter stared down at him, then jerked her gaze upwards. “Hogwarts awaits. Let’s go.”
“No, seriously, take a look,” Weasley said, opening his eyes. “Pretty much a mass of scar tissue from neck to belly button. I miss my chest hair.” He smiled wryly and painfully.
“No one asked you about your chest hair,” Potter snapped. “Now, got any ideas on how we get to Hogwarts, Aberforth?”
Aberforth opened and closed his mouth, then shook his head. “Can’t believe Albus,” was the only thing he could manage to say.
“I said, HOW DO WE GET TO HOGWARTS?!”
“Would’ve thought they’d stopped by now,” Ariana mumbled from behind Aberforth, and he turned around and saw her coming back through the tunnel; Longbottom was visible behind her. “But Alby told me she’s noisy.”
“She’s sort of like you, only much nastier,” Longbottom replied in hushed tones.
“Uh-huh. Um, Nevvy, when -” -she fumbled for the words and concepts- “-this is - when this’s gone ‘way, will you and Loony still vis-”
“Neville!” Potter bellowed, and Ariana’s face crumpled. “Get out of that portrait! First of all, we strike to kill any and all Death Eaters and sympathizers - I’ll handle Malfoy myself - we use whatever we know, yes, that includes Unforgivables-”
“Stop yelling, you’re making her miserable,” Aberforth snarled at Potter. “If anything, you should understand -”
“Think Grindelwald had the right idea about you!” Potter snapped back, and started groping her own thigh. “I had a wand here -”
“You mean that twig you dipped in Fred and George’s Special Sparkle Spray?” Weasley asked from the floor. “I was wondering what you were doing. It kind of snapped when you fell off the dragon while you were dancing around on its back.”
“Shut up, Ron!” she snarled. “Anyway-”
“We’ll discuss this on the way, how about that?” Longbottom said, holding up a hand palm-out. “Everyone’s waiting in the Room of Requirement. They’re all there for you, Rosey.”
“For me?” Potter asked, suddenly calming down.
“Yes, for you,” Longbottom said, sounding as if he’d practiced these lines a thousand times before and yet was still reading from a script. He glanced downwards. “They want you. They all agree that it’s up to you. You’re the important one.”
“I’m the important one,” Potter said, nodding as if she was in a trance.
“I can’t believe this,” Weasley muttered, covering his face with one hand. Granger snorted and bent down to help him up.
“So come on, let’s go to all your admirers, everyone who loves you and isn’t going to hurt you or anything,” Longbottom said, and this time as he glanced downwards, a piece of parchment was briefly visible at the bottom of the painting. So he was reading from a script. And Aberforth could guess who’d written it. Merlin. He’d been dead for almost a year, and Albus was still pulling the strings from beyond the grave. Longbottom gestured, then looked confused. “Um, it should have opened -”
“Don’t like her, Nevvy,” Ariana muttered, clinging to Longbottom’s robes. “Make her go ‘way. Make her go ‘way.”
“It’s fine, Ariana,” Longbottom said, patting her on the head, “It’s fine - look, I can get her through the tunnel on my own -”
“What if she hurts you?!”
“Are we going or not?” Potter asked, making a face. A moment later, she remembered her persona, and lifted her nose in the air. “Shall we go?”
Ariana clung tighter to Longbottom, but he nudged her, and she looked out, and a moment later, the portrait swung open and Longbottom clambered out. “Yeah. The members of Dumbledore’s Army, your faithful adherents, await the tales of your valor, Rosey!” Longbottom said, glancing down at the parchment now obviously visible in his hand. Oh, yes. There was no doubting Albus had written those lines.
“Naturally, their fawning annoys me, but who am I to argue with the masses?” Potter said, climbing onto the mantelpiece. “My adoring friends!” Weasley let out a mad laugh, but she ignored him. “Onward! We shall show the old bastard who’s boss!” With that, she turned and went into the tunnel.
“You going?” Longbottom whispered to Weasley, who Granger had now helped to his feet.
“A far, far better thing than I have ever done… I’ve got to, yeah?”
Granger looked at him with surprise. “You’ve read A Tale of Two Cities?”
“It’s from a book? I heard one of the Muggleborns who picked me up saying it,” Weasley said. “Give me a boost, will you, Neville? Thanks.”
Together, Longbottom and Granger hoisted him up to the mantelpiece, and he, too, entered the tunnel. Then, the other two young adults made it into the tunnel, and swung Ariana’s portrait shut behind them. Ariana looked at them worriedly, but Neville smiled and shrugged. “Relax. She can’t outdo the Carrows,” he said to her.
“And then, I shall make Malfoy scream for days!” Potter cackled, flinging out her arms as she sprinted down the tunnel with inhuman speed. “On end!”
“I think,” Longbottom amended. He turned to Aberforth. “By the way, Ab, there’s going to be -”
“What are you waiting for?!” Potter shrieked. “I can’t get this damn trapdoor open!”
“Um, never mind, tell you when I get back,” Longbottom said hurriedly, and turned and yelled, “Coming, Rosey!” Then, he ran down the tunnel after Potter, Weasley and Granger following him. Ariana sighed and slumped against the tunnel entrance.
“He is going to be all right, isn’t he?” she asked, looking sick with worry.
After mentally vowing to beat the living daylights out of Albus once he died and met the berk again, Aberforth replied, “Sure.”
Ariana brightened. “Hooray.”
“Love me and despair!” Potter cried joyfully in the distance; she had undoubtedly just made it into the Room of Requirement.
“Question is, when You-Know-Who’s gone, what are we going to do about her?”
Ariana looked at Aberforth, her face perplexed. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” Aberforth muttered. “I hate Albus.”
=
Author’s Note: Things I wanted to include, but couldn’t:
- Ron realizing that Rose has been sleeping in a forest every summer for the last six or so years… without benefit of druids. (Couldn’t fit, and besides, no one told him about the druids.)
-Ron commenting on the “druids”. (I don’t think he ever found out in-fic.)
-Ron asking exactly when Rose snapped. (Decided it could be taken as too nasty to be IC.)
- Ariana making a comment about “Ah, I prefer boysex, myself” when Rose begins to ramble on about “sisterly embraces”. (Couldn’t fit, and was trying to stick as much to canon and RP-canon as much as possible.)
- Ariana making a comment about Albus having bribed her off by putting portrait frames in the Slytherin sixth-year and seventh-year boys’ rooms. (Again, sacrificed cheap humor for some vague attempt at canon characterization.)
-Weasley turned to Granger. “And does Rose actually think she can talk to animals, or is that another -”
“Oh, I can talk to goats too! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. See?” Ariana said cheerfully from her portrait.
Weasley winced. “Question answered.”
(Ended up having Ariana run to Neville on her own so that I didn’t have to have her interrupting the conversation by going into a rage.)
-A clarification of exactly what spirit was singing about “goats and world domination”. (Couldn’t find a place to put it in… You can guess who it was.)
-More about Ron and Rose. (Couldn’t quite figure out what to say.)
-Ariana and Rose having an enraged, wandless-magic-filled catfight. (Made things a bit too difficult to resolve, and it sort of lost the humor when I tried to have everything IC.)
-More detail on exactly what had been going on with Rose for the last seven years. (Had this in a previous edition. I ended up rewriting the entire thing due to it being in extremely poor taste, if true to Rose-fanon - to quote that edition [as Rose is busy groping Luna and Ginny]: ““Can’t believe you,” Aberforth muttered, feeling sick to his stomach. “This is how you keep her calm and happy? Just throw naked bodies at her? Just… can’t believe you lot.””)
-More ICness. D|;; (On the other hand, for Rose Potterverse, they were pretty IC…)
-Put more Aberforth-lines in. (Aaaaaagh, I couldn’t figure out a place to break the conversation. *facepalm* I need Mad-Eye Moody to teach me how to interrupt dialogue.)
-A bit more clarification on Albus manipulating people to not ask about Rosey the Batshit. :P
…Anyway. :P Yes, you can see (at least one-sided) Ariana/Neville if you squint. …Oh gad. *FLASHBACKS TO THE SUE KNOWN AS ARIANA BLACK* D| No FAIR, JKR! I swear you set that up so crack-shippers could stumble into that trap! XP Uh, anyway. *shudders* But anyway, you could just view it as a friendship thing. (He has to be somewhat friendly with her in-canon - he’s been going through the tunnel, right? She would have spazzed out on him if he made her tense.) :P *is an unashamed crack-shipper*
Eh. Hail canon! *waves Canon flag*