(no subject)
Story Or Series Title:
A New Life
Fandom: Lucius and Draco are abused by Narcissa and in LOOOOVE... with each other. *dies*
Culprit Author's Name: TheTARDIS
Full Name (plus titles if any): Draco Malfoy; Lucius Malfoy
Full Species(es): Both Malfoyus Molestus (Annoying Malfoy). I'll pull out the classification scheme later.
Hair Color (include adjectives): No idea. Thankfully. But as these are abused!Malfoys, I assume that they have silver hair and eyes unless otherwise stated. Damn you forever, Cassandra Claire. CORRECTION: "platinum blond" hair - in Draco's case, grown out "to the bottom of his back", and in Lucius's case, grown out to "halfway down his thighs".
Eye Color (include adjectives): See above.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Bruises from Narcissa beating them up, the works.
Special Possessions (if any): "His new room was like heaven to him. It had;
White wash walls with a big bay window that had a seat in it. The material on the seat was turquoise with white and light pillows on it. The floor was white carpet with a fluffy turquoise rug on it. His bed was a king size with a soft turquoise silk duvet cover with matching silk pillow that were in white. The drapes were cotton white that flapped in the wind from the open window on the wall to the right. His bay window seat was at the foot of the bed and the door to the left. The bay window seat over looked their little back garden that was a gorgeous rush of colures. Finally the ceiling was white wash with a light with a white cover that turned of when you clapped. The door was light oak. All the windows had light white cotton curtains.
To the left of the bay window seat was a desk with paper and coloring pencils on that he had been drawing on. He had become quite the artist. The desk also had lamp on it that you switched on by hand. To the right of the bay window seat was an oak wardrobe with a lovely seat of cloths in that Lucius had bout as a celebration of their escape. All the furniture including the bed was made of light oak. To reassure him that he was not back at the manor Lucius had fixed glow in the dark stars to the ceiling of Draco’s room to comfort him. He also had bed side tables on each side with little lamps on that had to be turned of by hand."
Annoying Origin: The mind of a Lucius/Draco shipper who has Lucius and Draco having sons in another fic. Biological sons. Yay for... incestuous MPreg... aaaaagh. *dies again*
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: The canon Malfoys have utterly no connections to this fic, and would like to make this QUITE clear. The Sacrifices-Arc Malfoys have sent these creatures several nice little presents - magic-eating beetles, killer magically-powered clockwork animal-like constructs, you know, the works...
Annoying Special Abilities: Draco can "berr[y]" his face in his father's nightshirt and Lucius can
Other Annoying Traits: Having no connection to canon whatsoever, making "Narccissa" into a raping, abusive monster, making my eyes bleed due to the horrifically poor writing.
Disclaimer: JKR (may she be revered muchly) owns everything in HP canon, including my sporkers. The Sacrifices Arc (may it be worshipped forever) belongs to Lightning on the Wave. TheTARDIS owns this fic (may it be burned). I own nuthin' at all except for the AU from which my sporkers come.
--
All right, here's a particularly bad fic that I'll briefly spork. I tried to get the canon!Malfoys to spork it. They took one look at it and attempted to sue me for grievous mental harm. I tried to get the Sacrifices-Arc!Malfoys to spork it. Thank goodness I was able to temporarily Keyboard of Power their magic away. In the end, I just found some other people. Come on in, sporkers! (From an AU, as always. A rather bizarre AU, in this case. One involving a particularly long-range Time Turner.)
So, meet my newest sporkers! (I distracted Sacrifices!Harry with a copy of DH, but the sporkers had all fled to alternate dimensions. D:< They have no gratitude towards their creator (or savior, in some cases)! So what if I made them spork Little Miss Mary and the Draco Trilogy? ‘Tis better than not existing at all or suffering their terrible canon fates! ):< )
…Is this important?
Oh, would you prefer the path canon took? Just say the word.
We’ve heard about you. *draws wand*
You mean, that I’m a benevolent person that saves people from terrible fates in exchange for a little service to me? :D
No, that you ruthlessly enslave people to perform insane “sporkings” that induce insanity in all workers!
…That’s a terrible way to put it. (: I’m a friendly soul, honest.
And I’m a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Snorkack! I know a family that would be quite happy to see you! :D
…
We might as well get on with this. We can survive it.
Heh heh heh… They all say that…
I heard that.
Heard what? *innocent look*
I’m a natural Legilimens. Your act doesn’t -
And I have a friend who would love to meet you! Hello, Clonoran-kun! :D
EYEBALLS!
What the *@*#&^$?!
=Later=
And so we can ALL agree that it’s best to just get on with the sporking already, can’t we? 8D
*twitch*
…You will regret this.
What the hell was that thing?! Even Voldemort never tried to GOUGE OUT PEOPLE’S EYES!
Be very, very glad that JKR wrote you and not CLAMP. :D So, um, anyway, introductions! (They’re using assumed names for purposes of preserving their dignity.) Katherine Miller!
WHAT?! That was my MUGGLE name!
…Yes, so?
“Katherine”: *bites down on lips and looks severely annoyed*
Fisher…
“Fisher”: *through gritted teeth* Hello. *is attempting to fix various flesh wounds on face*
And Mr. Snorkack!
“Mr. Snorkack”: HEY! My alias is Harold Rutherford! I mean, my name’s Harold Rutherford. Right.
“Katherine”: *slaps him upside the head* Learn to lie better.
“Rutherford”: GrumblemumbleSLYTHERINS. …Nice to meet you.
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
“Get up you piece of shit! Make my breakfast!” came the booming voice of Narccissa Malfoy.
Rutherford: Apparently, someone’s confused Narcissa with her sister.
Katherine: No, this is “Narccissa”. Which, by the way, is not a Wizarding name. What is it these days about Muggleborns and Half-Bloods not doing their research when pretending to be Pureblooded?
“Fisher”: …You are a Muggleborn, dear.
Katherine: *bristles* At least I researched names before choosing one.
Draco instantly jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen in just a pair of very old torn boxers. He began to put on some eggs and bacon.
Rutherford: *stares* I’ve done many barmy things, but I never tried wearing eggs and bacon.
Katherine: No, but for a young man who complains about how much labor he had to do as a child, your cooking is not up to par.
Rutherford: Pardon me, Miss, but I had to contemplate exactly how much of a manipulative bastard your older son became in the future that I’ve now averted. And that takes some time. So you can understand how the food might get slightly crisped.
“Fisher”: Slightly crisped?! The house nearly burned down! Several times!
Rutherford: Your wife got revenge by referring to me as “that dear halfwitted boy whom we took in out of the kindness of our hearts and are still trying to teach how to take care of himself -unsuccessfully, I might add”.
Katherine: This from the boy who complains daily that I’m not honest enough.
Rutherford: You left out that I saved your family from -
Katherine: I still didn’t lie.
“Faster!” he heard her shout.
If he did not get it done soon COMMA! she would come down and beat him. Pushing the bacon and eggs onto a plate COMMA! he took it up to her room trembling.
“It’s about time COMMA!” she spat at him COMMA! snatching the plate.
Draco stood by the side of her bed face
Rutherford: I’ve heard of “bed hair”, but “bed face”?
down and hands behind his back.
Katherine: Did that sentence have any meaning?
“Fisher”: *stares at it intently* No.
Katherine: I thought not.
This was the custom. He was not to move or make a sound without her permission.
Katherine: I’ve heard some wizards have a taste for that. If one can manage to get a proper photograph of the associated activities, it makes excellent blackmail material.
Rutherford: …
“Fisher”: *after a while, shrugs* She was in Slytherin. It’s the way she is.
“This taste horrible!” she shouted
Katherine: - nonsensically -
and got up and proceeded to beat him. She kicked and punched him, also using the Crucius curse on him.
Rutherford: I never saw that in any Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks.
“Fisher”: Dear? Have you ever seen anything like that?
Katherine: No. The author obviously did no research whatsoever.
He fell to the ground curled up in a ball whimpering.
“Fisher”:*squints* So the ground was curled up in a “ball whimpering”. What is a “ball whimpering”? Is that a Muggle artifact?
Rutherford: No. The whimpering sounds Slytherin, though. *is whacked over the head by Katherine* HEY!
This earned him more beatings.
Rutherford: Ten beatings to Nonsensinclaw for the previous few lines of this fic.
She then tied him up with some magically produced wire and dragged him to his room by the feet.
Katherine: Whatever happened to Mobilicorpus?
Rutherford: What’s that? *pauses* Oh, that!
Katherine: …In other words, “the author is a halfwit”.
Rutherford: Will you show some gratitude?! I only -
Katherine: I suppose giving you room and board and feeding you and trying to introduce you to the right people - which would be far more successful if you would just remain silent instead of making rude comments about their families -
Rutherford: But Malfoys and Goyles and Crabbes are rotten gits -
Katherine: Regardless of your opinion of them, Harold, you never say it to their faces! I have done all in my power to help you, yet you seem determined to spite me at every step!
Rutherford: The Gryffindor families like me just fine.
Katherine: *looks very tempted to say something withering* Be. That. As. It. May. Still, you must respect the rules of polite society -
Rutherford: To blazes with polite society! You got to do what’s right!
Katherine: *closes eyes and shakes head* Cut off your nose to spite someone else’s face, why don’t you… Bloody noble Gryffindors…
Rutherford: In the unchanged timeline, your husband -
Katherine: I am well aware my husband was in Gryffindor, thank you.
“Fisher”: *is wise enough to stay out of the discussion*
His room consisted of a very old, torn COMMA! and thin mattress. That was all.
Rutherford: And I thought I had it bad. Living in a mattress?
The room was bare. You could still see the bricks of the walls.
Rutherford: How do you have a “torn and thin” brick mattress?! How do you have a brick mattress in the first place?!
Katherine: *under her breath* When dear Harold starts noticing problems, the situation is hopeless.
Rutherford: I heard that!
Katherine: Excuse me, I believe I heard someone say *whiny voice* “To blazes with polite society! You got to do what’s right!”
Rutherford: But - this is - ARRRRRRRGH! Slytherins.
Katherine: Hmph.
The flaw was old wood that had holes in it.
“Fisher”: That sentence doesn’t seem to fit in with anything else. It’s just… there. *scowls* In the absence of any way to lecture the author face-to-face, I suppose I’ll have to send a Howler. *starts writing*
She threw him to the floor and COMMA! magically tied him to the floor COMMA! Think of the poor commas! And what of our sanities? If you can even think of speaking about sanities, you have to be new. and left him there.
He was left there for a week. Left to lay in own filth. Hey, you only get away with that sort of diction in The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress. If you’re trying to use proper English, YOU ARE FAILING BADLY.
“Fisher”: Isn’t the author aware that people die in about two days without water? This is absurd. *sighs* Then again, so are the meaningless sentences.
If he even tried to make a single sound COMMA! a cut would appear on his body somewhere. This was the curse Narccissa had put him
Rutherford: Put him what?
“Fisher”: I vote for doing our best to wipe this fic from the face of the earth. Or “internet”. Or whatever.
Rutherford: Agreed.
Katherine: Within the bounds of practicality.
“Fisher” and Rutherford: What’s “practicality”?
Katherine: …A concept entirely foreign to Gryffindors. Which is endearing, but only when one is not dealing with important matters.
so he would not say anything without her permission. That’s how she kept her innocence.
*after having simultaneous brain failures, the sporkers agree not to try to puzzle out that line*
He silently cried, allowing the tiers to flow thick and fast.
“Fisher”: Well, that would be a wonderful talent for those constructing new buildings - just cry, and the tiers pile up. I don’t think it exists, however.
He wished his father were here. He had disappeared one night. Not long after he had been trying to defend Draco from Narccissas attacks.
“Fisher”: So “not long after” he disappeared, he was trying to defend his son from the Narccissas attacks? Good man.
She was intent on raping him.
Rutherford: Which one? …I don’t think I want to know.
And had got her way, also beating them both in a Super Smash Brothers tournament. He had blacked out after this beating Nah, it’s “whited out” in these new, sissy Pokémon games. Ah, for the days when you lost half your money when you were defeated… or maybe not. and woken to find his father had disappeared.
“Fisher”: Again?
This was nearly five years ago and to this day he still did not know were his father was.
Rutherford: *takes off glasses and polishes them* It still doesn’t make much sense.
Katherine: And you only realize this now?
{mini-snip Draco whimpering}
On the other side of the mansion Narccissa
Rutherford: The MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANSION Narccissa/ what a beautiful thing/ That MAAAAAAAAANSION Narccissa/ makes joy take wing -
Katherine: You made that up on the spot, didn’t you?
Rutherford: No need to compliment me, I’m just a -
Katherine: I have no idea how you thought I was complimenting you.
was standing over an extremely pale and thin Lucius Malfoy.
Lucius was curled up in a ball on the floor of the dungeons shivering.
“Fisher”: “The dungeons shivering”. Is this poetry? I never was very appreciative of “fine literature”.
Katherine: Nonsense. This lacks frequent line breaks.
Rutherford: Let’s try it.
On the other side
Of the mansion
Narccissa was standing
Over an extremely
Pale and thin
Lucius Malfoy.
Lucius was curled up
In a ball
On the floor
Of the
Dungeons shivering.
Think that passes for modern poetry.
Katherine: Put like that… I never want to see your “modern poetry”.
He was completely naked and could barley register anything that was going on.
“Fisher”: …Is it a great talent to be able to “barley register” anything that’s going on while being completely naked?
Katherine: How should I know? I have no idea what “barley registering” is.
“You and your son are pathetic. He can’t even make a decent meal!” Narccissa barked at him and kicked him in the stomach.
This made Lucius throw up blood and moan in pain. He did not know how much he could take. He was intent on finding out. “More, mistress, more!” he groaned. KATE? You learn about these things when you live in Slytherin House. The rich and powerful have… interesting wants and needs. Only the thought that Draco was still alive kept him going. He had the slightest hope that one day he would see him again. It was a cruel thing. That his son was just on the other side of the building and yet he had not seen him in nearly five years now.
Rutherford: You already told us this!
What was he like now? What sort of state was he in. A red state? A blue state? A swing state? Lucius had to know! The elections were coming up! he knew that Narccissa beat and raped him. He knew she did awful things to him.
“Fisher”: And in what world are beatings and rapes not “awful things”?!
Rutherford: A world where you can tear brick mattresses?
Could Draco still remember him? With all the beatings and rape he got from Narccissa Lucius would not be surprised if Draco could barley remember anything.
Katherine: How does one “barley remember” something?
“Fisher”: …I have no idea. To be honest, I always thought barley was just a grain.
“You are such a weak useless thing.” “Yes, Mistress, I am, more, more!” Lucius whimpered as she kicked him in the stomach again. …Are you sure it would be a good idea to let any of our children go into Slytherin House? You turned out all right, but… It will be fine. The important part is never to be caught. Excuse m- …I suppose this is a Slytherin thing. Yes. It is. The only reason you are even alive is so I can stay in this houseCOMMA!” she spat at him, showering him with her spit.
Guardian’s Song: For some reason, I find that insanely funny, and I don’t know why.
“Please….no more…..no moreCOMMA! And stop plagiarizing a great man! Or said great man’s crazy sister’s dying whimpers. Or something. Why does the Wizarding World have to be so confusing? …Because I like crack!theories when I write fanfic? :D;;” Lucius whimpered in very horse voice.
Rutherford: Very horse?
“Fisher”: Well, speaking colloquially, you can speak in very goat voice. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Katherine: …*covers face with hands* Yes, dear.
It was not often he got to speak.
“Shut your hole COMMA! you maggot! You do not have permission to speak!” she shouted COMMA! kicking him again. Lucius, forbidden to speak, nodded enthusiastically.
She then exited and left Lucius to wallow in his misery and ecstasy. ...
All right, you lot are free to go until the next chapter or until the “Enemies of the Heir” chapter in the Child of Grace sporkings. Bye!
Sporkers: *depart at top speed*
…So, you can probably guess who all sporkers involved were. Hints if you can’t:
Katherine retained her initials when she chose a new name to make her look more Pureblood-like. >_>;;
“Fisher” refers to “Fisher King”, but “Fisher” is not wounded, hence why he was not called “Fisher King”. However, he has the name of someone else involved in the legend of the Grail. No, not Jesus.
Rutherford, meanwhile… What was his first name again? (Rutherford is a totally random name that just seemed to fit. There’s no hint in it. :D;;)
Anyway…
END SPORKING.