(no subject)
Stopgap until I have an actual decent-length post up. 12 pages left to spork, I believe.
KATHERINE! “FISHER”! RUTHERFORD!
Don’t. Call me. By my. Muggle name.
|D Am spork captain. Do whatever I want.
*draws wand*
Well, you are canonically stupidly noble, so it’s IC for you to try to defeat the spork captain...
What’s the worst this could be? At least it doesn’t have torn brick mattresses.
Poor, naïve little fool. *cackles*
Disclaimer: JKR, deathly-hallowed be her name, owns Harry Potter and all related characters (including my sporkers, who are using aliases for dignity’s sake). Lady Azar de Telomere or whatever her name is owns this fic. Das Mervin has been doing the sporking of almost all the chapters so far. All I own is the (rather completely WTF) AU where the sporkers came from.
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
Chapter Nineteen: Betrayal is in the Eyes of the Beholder
The next morning Holly woke with a start, her eyes snapping open to stare at an unfamiliar wall.
Guardian’s Song: (Holly) Unfamiliar ceiling…
She glanced around, taking in the strange sights, ones she had never woken up with before.
Katherine: Slow. Very slow.
At the back of her mind she could feel the tingles of another person,
Rutherford: “Tingles”? Even her HORCRUX is gentle and fuzzy-wuzzy?!
but her thoughts were too fogged to really realise that fact.
“Fisher”: …Or perhaps she just awoke after… *makes hand gestures*
Rutherford: She’s twelve right now, according to this thing. *waves Background File around*
Katherine: You ignorant child, haven’t you noticed on the various Pureblood family tapestries that some Purebloods sire or conceive children as soon as they hit puberty? Or did you “forget to read them” AGAIN?
Rutherford: …Oh dear, maths. I mean. No, I didn’t notice, but she’s not Pureblood.
Katherine: Or perhaps she’s just a loose woman.
Rutherford: At twelve?
Guardian’s Song: Actually… Ar- A Certain Sue Who Must Not Be Named Around You Lot was causing men to fight over her at eleven.
“Fisher”: …Where is it, and how do we kill it?
Guardian’s Song: Not your concern. All hail Das Mervin.
The girl blinked sleepily and rolled onto her back, her hand brushing her bangs from her face.
After a moment, her mind woke fully. The entire night before, and the confession she had made to Blaise, came rushing back.
“Fisher”: …
Katherine: …You do excel at these things. A bit too well, unfortunately, but…
Rutherford: It might not be true. It might not be. We can’t despair yet… *points wand at fic* Expecto Patronum!
*Patronus gallops at fic and… bounces off*
“Fisher”: I apologize, as Defense was not my best subject, but is it supposed to do that?
Rutherford: …NO. Now, may I monologue to myself about how I have no idea what’s going on, and how much this is causing me to despair, and how the horror of the fic is crushing my soul, and -
Katherine: Request denied.
Rutherford: …*rubs forehead* Sorry. Reflex from the bad times.
Belatedly, she turned to look at her friend, who was still lying beside her.
“Fisher”: …Well, what do you know. I was right.
…
…*attempts to commit hari-kari with spork*
Katherine: Don’t! *tries to get it away from him*
Rutherford: Yes! Give it here! You selfish bastard - what about my need to commit hari-kari?! *jumps “Fisher”*
They’ve gone utterly barmy.
…Uh-huh.
Nonsense. This is a perfectly normal reaction to terrible fanfiction.
Now, see, I’m not the one who thinks reading everything you can get your hands on is a good thing.
…Everything is an exaggeration. I have standards.
You talk awfully big for someone only two years older’n me.
There is nothing wrong with being a dignified eleven-year-old! Nothing!
He was staring straight back at her.
And when he noticed that she was awake and looking at him, Blaise gave her a small smile. “Good morning.” A dark-brown eye winked. After enough surfing of Weepingcock, I am violently squicked by anything “dark-brown” “winking”.
Now that I have shared that lovely image with you, back to the sporking.
Holly blinked again, heat creeping into her cheeks. Which ones? SILENCE. *still attempting to pry spork away from suicidal husband* “Er… good morning.”
The boy sat up and stretched. “Did you sleep well?”
She simply nodded, remaining quiet.
A few moments passed in silence before Holly finally sat up, carefully not looking at him.
Katherine: Did someone - dear, let go of the spork! NOW! - have an awkward wedding night?
“Fisher”: I DON’T CARE IF SOME PUREBLOODS MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN EARLY! SOME PRACTICE INCEST, TOO! IT’S STILL DISGUSTING!
Rutherford: HEY! THE CAPSLOCK IS MINE!
“Fisher”: MOST GRYFFINDOR PUREBLOODS HAVE IT! NOW, LET ME DIE IN PEACE!
Katherine: Stop being so unreasonable and hand over the spork!
She pulled back the covers and made to crawl out of bed, but his hand on her wrist stopped her.
“Fisher”: *painfully* All right. I’ll settle for just ripping my eyes out before the sex scene.
Katherine: While dramatic and principled, still unreasonable.
Rutherford: I dunno, sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Katherine: That’s because the two of you are Gryffindors through and through. Now, we have only… *mentally* TWELVE MORE PAGES?! …We’re f***ed. *out loud* …A few more pages to go. Now, can you Gryffindors hold on for that long?
“Fisher”: Dear. I know you’re lying, even if I don’t know the exact number.
Katherine: …Just hold me.
“Look, Holly,” he began.
Her head whipped around, but her eyes still refused to meet his.
Guardian’s Song: …Shouldn’t You-Know-EYEBALLS be here by now?
“If you are embarrassed about last night… well, don’t be. I am glad that you told me, that you trusted me enough to tell me.” Blaise patted her arm.
Katherine: …Put down the spork. Whatever happened to your bravery?!
“Fisher”: …Do you want to see a sex scene between twelve-year-olds?
Rutherford: She’s got a point. We should see if it’s explicit or just “and then his basilisk slithered into her Chamber of Secrets” before deciding to rip out our eyes.
EYEBALLS!
Guardian’s Song: Syaoran! Old eyeball-eating chum! Where the hell have you BEEN?!
*points to Time-Turner* *points specifically to Fanon Long-Range Edition label* *traces out the copy-pasted “PROPERTY OF CASSANDRA CLAIRE LOLOLOL ISN’T DRACO HOT I KNOW I JUST GET HOT ALL OVER WHEN I THINK OF HIM” label* So… many… silver eyeballs…
Guardian’s Song: …All right, you really need to check the labels on items I pulled out of nowhere for the purposes of cracky plotbunnies, especially when they’re specifically items that were custom-made and broke upon use. As you know now, you might grab someone else’s edition of that device. :D;;
The girl finally glanced up. “Thank you.”
She didn’t have to say what it was for.
“Fisher”: *buries head in hands and groans*
Katherine: Remember Pureblood dignity.
Rutherford: Says the MUGGLEBORN?!
Katherine: Some of us believe in overcoming disadvantages instead of glorying in them.
Rutherford: In other words, becoming enough of a sneering, arrogant, vicious… woman…to pass for the nastiest sort of Pureblood?
Katherine: Of course they’ll act that way towards you. A boy eight years younger than you has more social skills than you could ever hope for.
Rutherford: …May I remind you before you get too proud of him that he’s the one who originally made the “Sort too soon” comment about a Slytherin showing any bravery?
Katherine: …Obviously, in that timeline, he lacked enough of a FIRM, GUIDING HAND. Which I shall be especially sure to rectify in this timeline.
Rutherford: …It’s comforting to know that no one was exaggerating about your behavior. I suppose. *turns to “Fisher”* You like this?
“Fisher”: *sighs and makes eye contact with Rutherford* …And what of her? That girl from your original time-
Rutherford: THE ONE I WON’T SEE EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I DECIDED TO SAVE YOU LOT, you mean? But her domineering and pride were different!
“Fisher”: *maintains eye contact*
Rutherford: …Urk… She never harassed me…
{snip}
KATHERINE! “FISHER”! RUTHERFORD!
Don’t. Call me. By my. Muggle name.
|D Am spork captain. Do whatever I want.
*draws wand*
Well, you are canonically stupidly noble, so it’s IC for you to try to defeat the spork captain...
What’s the worst this could be? At least it doesn’t have torn brick mattresses.
Poor, naïve little fool. *cackles*
Disclaimer: JKR, deathly-hallowed be her name, owns Harry Potter and all related characters (including my sporkers, who are using aliases for dignity’s sake). Lady Azar de Telomere or whatever her name is owns this fic. Das Mervin has been doing the sporking of almost all the chapters so far. All I own is the (rather completely WTF) AU where the sporkers came from.
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
Chapter Nineteen: Betrayal is in the Eyes of the Beholder
The next morning Holly woke with a start, her eyes snapping open to stare at an unfamiliar wall.
Guardian’s Song: (Holly) Unfamiliar ceiling…
She glanced around, taking in the strange sights, ones she had never woken up with before.
Katherine: Slow. Very slow.
At the back of her mind she could feel the tingles of another person,
Rutherford: “Tingles”? Even her HORCRUX is gentle and fuzzy-wuzzy?!
but her thoughts were too fogged to really realise that fact.
“Fisher”: …Or perhaps she just awoke after… *makes hand gestures*
Rutherford: She’s twelve right now, according to this thing. *waves Background File around*
Katherine: You ignorant child, haven’t you noticed on the various Pureblood family tapestries that some Purebloods sire or conceive children as soon as they hit puberty? Or did you “forget to read them” AGAIN?
Rutherford: …Oh dear, maths. I mean. No, I didn’t notice, but she’s not Pureblood.
Katherine: Or perhaps she’s just a loose woman.
Rutherford: At twelve?
Guardian’s Song: Actually… Ar- A Certain Sue Who Must Not Be Named Around You Lot was causing men to fight over her at eleven.
“Fisher”: …Where is it, and how do we kill it?
Guardian’s Song: Not your concern. All hail Das Mervin.
The girl blinked sleepily and rolled onto her back, her hand brushing her bangs from her face.
After a moment, her mind woke fully. The entire night before, and the confession she had made to Blaise, came rushing back.
“Fisher”: …
Katherine: …You do excel at these things. A bit too well, unfortunately, but…
Rutherford: It might not be true. It might not be. We can’t despair yet… *points wand at fic* Expecto Patronum!
*Patronus gallops at fic and… bounces off*
“Fisher”: I apologize, as Defense was not my best subject, but is it supposed to do that?
Rutherford: …NO. Now, may I monologue to myself about how I have no idea what’s going on, and how much this is causing me to despair, and how the horror of the fic is crushing my soul, and -
Katherine: Request denied.
Rutherford: …*rubs forehead* Sorry. Reflex from the bad times.
Belatedly, she turned to look at her friend, who was still lying beside her.
“Fisher”: …Well, what do you know. I was right.
…
…*attempts to commit hari-kari with spork*
Katherine: Don’t! *tries to get it away from him*
Rutherford: Yes! Give it here! You selfish bastard - what about my need to commit hari-kari?! *jumps “Fisher”*
They’ve gone utterly barmy.
…Uh-huh.
Nonsense. This is a perfectly normal reaction to terrible fanfiction.
Now, see, I’m not the one who thinks reading everything you can get your hands on is a good thing.
…Everything is an exaggeration. I have standards.
You talk awfully big for someone only two years older’n me.
There is nothing wrong with being a dignified eleven-year-old! Nothing!
He was staring straight back at her.
And when he noticed that she was awake and looking at him, Blaise gave her a small smile. “Good morning.” A dark-brown eye winked. After enough surfing of Weepingcock, I am violently squicked by anything “dark-brown” “winking”.
Now that I have shared that lovely image with you, back to the sporking.
Holly blinked again, heat creeping into her cheeks. Which ones? SILENCE. *still attempting to pry spork away from suicidal husband* “Er… good morning.”
The boy sat up and stretched. “Did you sleep well?”
She simply nodded, remaining quiet.
A few moments passed in silence before Holly finally sat up, carefully not looking at him.
Katherine: Did someone - dear, let go of the spork! NOW! - have an awkward wedding night?
“Fisher”: I DON’T CARE IF SOME PUREBLOODS MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN EARLY! SOME PRACTICE INCEST, TOO! IT’S STILL DISGUSTING!
Rutherford: HEY! THE CAPSLOCK IS MINE!
“Fisher”: MOST GRYFFINDOR PUREBLOODS HAVE IT! NOW, LET ME DIE IN PEACE!
Katherine: Stop being so unreasonable and hand over the spork!
She pulled back the covers and made to crawl out of bed, but his hand on her wrist stopped her.
“Fisher”: *painfully* All right. I’ll settle for just ripping my eyes out before the sex scene.
Katherine: While dramatic and principled, still unreasonable.
Rutherford: I dunno, sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Katherine: That’s because the two of you are Gryffindors through and through. Now, we have only… *mentally* TWELVE MORE PAGES?! …We’re f***ed. *out loud* …A few more pages to go. Now, can you Gryffindors hold on for that long?
“Fisher”: Dear. I know you’re lying, even if I don’t know the exact number.
Katherine: …Just hold me.
“Look, Holly,” he began.
Her head whipped around, but her eyes still refused to meet his.
Guardian’s Song: …Shouldn’t You-Know-EYEBALLS be here by now?
“If you are embarrassed about last night… well, don’t be. I am glad that you told me, that you trusted me enough to tell me.” Blaise patted her arm.
Katherine: …Put down the spork. Whatever happened to your bravery?!
“Fisher”: …Do you want to see a sex scene between twelve-year-olds?
Rutherford: She’s got a point. We should see if it’s explicit or just “and then his basilisk slithered into her Chamber of Secrets” before deciding to rip out our eyes.
EYEBALLS!
Guardian’s Song: Syaoran! Old eyeball-eating chum! Where the hell have you BEEN?!
*points to Time-Turner* *points specifically to Fanon Long-Range Edition label* *traces out the copy-pasted “PROPERTY OF CASSANDRA CLAIRE LOLOLOL ISN’T DRACO HOT I KNOW I JUST GET HOT ALL OVER WHEN I THINK OF HIM” label* So… many… silver eyeballs…
Guardian’s Song: …All right, you really need to check the labels on items I pulled out of nowhere for the purposes of cracky plotbunnies, especially when they’re specifically items that were custom-made and broke upon use. As you know now, you might grab someone else’s edition of that device. :D;;
The girl finally glanced up. “Thank you.”
She didn’t have to say what it was for.
“Fisher”: *buries head in hands and groans*
Katherine: Remember Pureblood dignity.
Rutherford: Says the MUGGLEBORN?!
Katherine: Some of us believe in overcoming disadvantages instead of glorying in them.
Rutherford: In other words, becoming enough of a sneering, arrogant, vicious… woman…to pass for the nastiest sort of Pureblood?
Katherine: Of course they’ll act that way towards you. A boy eight years younger than you has more social skills than you could ever hope for.
Rutherford: …May I remind you before you get too proud of him that he’s the one who originally made the “Sort too soon” comment about a Slytherin showing any bravery?
Katherine: …Obviously, in that timeline, he lacked enough of a FIRM, GUIDING HAND. Which I shall be especially sure to rectify in this timeline.
Rutherford: …It’s comforting to know that no one was exaggerating about your behavior. I suppose. *turns to “Fisher”* You like this?
“Fisher”: *sighs and makes eye contact with Rutherford* …And what of her? That girl from your original time-
Rutherford: THE ONE I WON’T SEE EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I DECIDED TO SAVE YOU LOT, you mean? But her domineering and pride were different!
“Fisher”: *maintains eye contact*
Rutherford: …Urk… She never harassed me…
{snip}