(no subject)
{snip}
(Sporker’s Note: Recall from the previous sporking with these three that Rutherford’s full alias name is Harold Rutherford.)
Holly froze for a second, processing what he had just said. “That’s right! It’s Christmas!” she murmured to herself, wondering how she could have possibly forgotten.
Katherine: *covers face with hands* Now I’ve reached the point where I’m losing the will to go on.
“Fisher”: YOU, Kate? What did it?!
Katherine: The image of them rutting on Christmas Eve. You aren’t even supposed to stay up late or Father Christmas won’t-
“Fisher”: Who?
Katherine: …*SMACKS SELF* Muggle superstition. Forgive me.
“Fisher”: …You’re the intolerant one. Of course I-
Katherine: Fine. Good. Now we shall not mention this ever again. Understood, Mr. Rutherford?
Rutherford: Excuse me, some of us are trying to lose our minds so we don’t have to think about that.
Katherine: Carry on, so long as it does not affect your ability to do household chores.
Rutherford: ONLY a Slytherin would use someone who saved their family as a low-priced House Elf!
Katherine: Being a Slytherin, as you pointed out, I don’t believe in wasting resources. Particularly when I’ve had to train said resource in magic above fourth-year level and had to tolerate his WONDERFUL personality. And feed him, clothe him, house him, try to teach him about the more subtle bits of Wizarding society - though that’s an utter failure so far-, create an entire false identity for him -
Rutherford: I changed the course of history for your family - and a damned lot for the better, in case you didn’t notice. Unless you like the thought of being killed by your own -
Katherine: And that is why I took you in to begin with! Do you think I make a habit of taking in ne’er-do-well Gryffindor orphans? Galleons cannot be conjured out of thin air, Mr. Ruther-
Rutherford: One of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Elemental Law of Transfiguration?
“Fisher”: Correct.
Blaise laughed, putting on his dressing gown. He followed in her wake as she darted to her room, telling her not to bother getting properly dressed. If she did, she’d be the only one.
“Fisher”: *stricken speechless* *can only make frantic gestures at the previous paragraph* *grabs wand and turns it on himself*
Katherine: Expelliarmus! ….Obviously, the standards of Slytherin House have degenerated since my day. Orgies were not public knowledge.
“Fisher”: …Not public knowledge?
Katherine: Don’t worry. I never participated in one - though I know certain people who would be quite embarrassed for their activities at Hogwarts to become public knowledge. A few even know I know.
“Fisher”: *looks at Background File* He’s at his FAMILY HOME. The others are his LITTLE SISTERS. IT IS INCEST! Now, I need to defeat you to get my wand back, don’t I?
Katherine: …Well, that’s… unusual. And you can wait until nighttime to *ahem* defeat me and reclaim mastery of your wand.
Rutherford: …PLEASE tell me that I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying. PLEASE.
Katherine: Misunderstanding what? And if you attempt to spy on us, you shall again be hexed and blind for the night, you filthy little degenerate.
Rutherford: That was an accident! AN ACCIDENT!
{mini-snip. Holly puts on her dressing gown.}
Guardian’s Song: Oh my dear… Charizard in Red Version. YOU MEAN SHE DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING ON BEFORE?! Sorry, Mrs. Weasley. I was sporking a Scarlet Woman and didn’t think to ask -
Katherine: I admit this is a terrible situation. However, we can and shall endure.
“Fisher”: Can’t we just exact our vengeance from the author already? Die with some honor?
Rutherford: The problem seems to be living after you go to your honorable death - maybe you could die nobly a century ago or so, but nowadays, you just get shut up in prison until you die!
Katherine: *considers opening mouth, realizes that she would be walking into a snide comment by “Mr. Rutherford”, and decides to say nothing*
They first checked the kitchen, and finding it empty, they strolled into the parlour just in time to intercept two small blurs, one blonde and the other brunette.
Alexandria smiled up at Holly from near her waist, her tiny arms hugging the older girl tightly as the Slytherin
Katherine: As they are presumably all Slytherins or going to be Slytherins, that’s an idiotic description.
did her best to keep from falling over. After she had righted them both, Holly grinned back, noticing out of the corner of her eye that Blaise and Isabella were in a similar embrace.
“Fisher”: …Brother… and… sister… *pulls a fold of his robe over his face and groans*
Rutherford: *retches when he realizes that it’s not only incest, it’s underage incest*
Laughter from the side of the room caught the green-eyed
EYEBALLS!
“Fisher”: *grabs hold of Syaoran* TAKE MINE!
MAGIC EYEBALLS!
Katherine: DON’T!
ANOTHER KIND OF MAGIC EYEBALLS! *ocularvore bliss*
*much chaos commences*
What are you waiting for, you git?! We have to help them! *runs towards his parents and Rutherford*
*holds him back by the collar of his shirt* It would be absurd to risk ourselves when we would be singularly ineffective in helping. I, the eldest, haven’t even gone to Hogwarts - come back here!
That’s mother and father and Harry! We can’t -
Of course we can!
Traitorous -
I’m merely more mature.
Rutherford: You rotten bast -
Katherine: Don’t say that about my firstborn, you brat!
*chaos continues*
=Later=
….Father? Mother? Harry?
“Fisher”: *breathing hard* …Argh.
Katherine: …We’ll still manage. *begins to Scourigfy bloodstains off floor*
Rutherford: WHY are we doing this, again?
Katherine: Possibly because I’m the only sporker to take the “I could just leave you to your canon fates” threat seriously?
Slytherin’s attention, her gaze flickering over to the Christmas tree and the two people sitting beside it.
“We were just about to send Navi
Guardian’s Song: Mrs. Weasley? May I please have the Capslock of Rage? Thank you.
NOT THE LEGEND OF ZELDA, YOU BITCH!
…Thank you. :D;; *hands it back*
to wake you two,” Eren informed them with a wink, waving them inside. {snip}
*break for week*
*return on weekend*
Disclaimer: I do not necessarily agree with some of the implications in some of my jokes about canon, but it serves to traumatize poor “Fisher” more, so… :D;;
“Really, Mum? I hadn’t expected that you would be up yet,” Blaise replied from his position on the floor, pulling Holly down with him.
“Fisher”: *in unnaturally high-pitched and friendly voice* So, Harry, have you seen my goat imitations? I’m told they’re quite good. Baaaaaaaa. *chews on page of fic*
Rutherford: Are you… feeling all right, sir?
“Fisher”: Baaaaaaaaaaaa.
Katherine: Some Pureblood families do require the parents of the bride and groom to witness the consummation of a marriage.
“Fisher”: …Thank you, dear. *develops facial tic, but stops bleating*
Katherine: You’re welcome.
“Yes, well, Belle woke up earlier than usual,” Dante supplied, ruffling his oldest daughter’s hair. “And she insisted that we go ahead and open presents.
Rutherford: You know, it’s funny. My girlfriend - in the original timeline - once told me she had a birthday present for me, led me into her bedroom, kissed me passionately… and then her brother burst in and confronted us, and I never got my present. How odd.
“Fisher”: *gabbles* It was just the kiss, nothing but the kiss, don’t be greedy, and in the fic they must only be talking about kisses and such, not… oh Merlin, opening the “presents”… Twelve-year-olds, children too young to go to Hogwarts, family members, I… Merlin and goats… Shall we attack the author already?!
Jarrington: *steps in from Draco Veritas spork* Attacking the spork captain is more effective, from what I hear. *exits*
Guardian’s Song: Remember - CANON FATES.
Katherine: I heard you the first time.
Isn’t that right, dear?” he asked the girl.
She merely nodded, abandoning Blaise for her father
“Fisher”: *steps back and points wand at fic* GET OUT OF THE WAY! Confringo! Incendio! Avada Kedavra! CONFRINGO! CONFRINGO! INCENDIO! INCENDIO!
Katherine: …*looking on* Very pretty, dear, but the fic is undamaged.
Rutherford: *whispers* It’s “Riddikulus”, sir. I’ve been studying Defense.
“Fisher”: THERE IS NO WAY TO MAKE THIS FUNNY. *facial spasms*
and laying her head on his shoulder as she wrapped her hands around his arm. Alexandria, who refused to desert Holly despite her father’s explicit invitation,
“Fisher”: …*points at the above line* *despairing giggle*
Katherine: *incredulously looks at the fic* …Conceded. *mouth hangs open slightly*
Rutherford: *stares, then retches*
began to play with the Slytherin’s hair.
“Fisher”: We have no need to hear about the foreplay!
Both Eren and Blaise covered their grins with their hands in very similar gestures.
“Since everyone is now here,” Eren put in, “we should begin.” She turned to Holly. “As it is your first Yule with us, would you like to hand out presents? We normally take turns.”
Katherine: …*muttering* No, this doesn’t resemble any Slytherin orgy I’ve seen. More like a Hufflepuff -
“Fisher”: Kate!
Katherine: I’m simply trying to distract myself!
“Fisher”: Then let’s hug each other for warmth. *hugs her*
Katherine: …*hugs back*
Rutherford: So who do I hug?
*points at his older brother* He hasn’t been doing much, so he might as well suffer too.
Surely, my dear brother, you realize that I am far too young for this?
Well, you act like an eighty-year-old prat most of the time.
Rutherford: Never mind. *hugs himself… and rocks*
The others nodded their agreement with this suggestion, settling back with anticipation. The two Zabini girls were practically vibrating with their enthusiasm.
“Fisher”: *pushes Katherine away so that he can run to a bucket and vomit into it*
Katherine: …Two girls not old enough to go to Hogwarts. I… see. *face visibly twitches before she regains self-control*