(no subject)
As a warning before beginning this bit (instead of a massive cut-text thing).
I did NOT believe my jokes about a one-night stand could possibly be considered by anyone in the fic to be real.
I am not easily driven to gag. Hell, I have kind of bad taste.
However, even I must say, Holly is a sick bitch.
Read on...
Breakfast afterwards was a happy affair. For once, the house-elves joined them and actually sat at the table, a strange thing considering the little beings’ ideas of propriety.
Rutherford: I keep remembering Dobby. Passing it off as “propriety” makes me ill. Try HAVING TO BEAT YOURSELF if you defy orders.
Katherine: Such gutless Purebloods. Conforming to a Muggle-raised half-blood’s ethical standards?
Rutherford: You’re a Muggleborn.
Katherine: And I act as the Purebloods act, as is fitting of one who understands the most basic rules of etiquette! If you are invited into a group out of the benevolence of the members, you obey their laws.
Rutherford: Is this why all you Slytherins are so stagnant?
Katherine: Is this why so many Muggleborns, half-bloods, and Gryffindor Purebloods fail to get anywhere in life and instead merely sit around and complain? Too busy wanting to have their cake and eat it too?
Rutherford: Human decency is “wanting to have your cake and eat it too”? All we demand is simple human decency!
Katherine: So, do you think you lot have the ability to demand of ancient families of bloodlines stretching all the way back to the days of Merlin himself that they conform to your standards? Mr. Rutherford, I rather get the impression that in your time, no one gives authority half the respect it deserves.
Rutherford: In my time, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore - you might have heard of him? Once or twice? - always did what was right instead of what was approved by authority -
Katherine: Very funny, Mr. Rutherford, but has it occurred to you that the ancient and incredibly powerful, intelligent, charming, and cunning -if I do say so myself - Headmaster of Hogwarts might have had the most true authority of any wizards or witches present in Britain? Would you have demanded that he change whatever he was doing to fit your petty wishes, with hardly any knowledge of the carefully-laid plans and well-thought-out traditions you were trampling?
Rutherford: *rolls his eyes* SLYTHERINS. They just miss the point.
Katherine: By which you mean, I suppose, we think beyond the next five seconds…
Holly sat between Alexandria, who was still somewhat attached to the older girl,
“Fisher”: *covers face with hands*
and Navi, who seemed be slightly scandalised and was clearly uncomfortable at the table.
“Fisher”: *stares* *ecstatic expression dawns upon face* It’s - it’s someone SANE!
Rutherford: I think it’s a House-Elf, and -
“Fisher”: It’s someone SANE, I shall cherish it, I - I -
Guardian’s Song: It’s a fucking Legend of Zelda ripoff, that’s what it is.
“Fisher”: *ignores blissfully*
Katherine: It makes him calm and happy, don’t object. *pats “Fisher” on the back*
{snip where Blaise is sitting} Throughout the entire meal, he beamed at her from across the table, still pleased by Holly’s reaction to his gift.
Rutherford: *ominous tone* Because it wasn’t his, you mean? He was just the delivery boy, and he got treated like it was all his? Typical Slytherin scu-
Katherine: I shall thank you, Mr. Rutherford, not to make such idiotic and ignorant comments in the future, particularly as you have been living with our family for two years.
Rutherford: *mutters to self*
“Fisher”: *too spaced out with bliss to notice the conversation*
Once they were finished, Holly was dragged off to play a game with the two Zabini girls.
“Fisher”: *SCREAMS*
Katherine: Dear, calm -
“Fisher”: *eyetwitch* I’m calm, I’m calm, ooh, look, is that the author over there? Tell you what, dear, let me reclaim my wand, I’m sure that if I’m the full master that I can -
Katherine: That’s a rutabaga, dear. …Are you feeling all right?
“Fisher”: *hyperventilates for a bit* …No. No, I’m really not. I’ll manage, though. *closes eyes and presses fingers to temple*
Blaise, however, didn’t join them.
“Fisher”: THANK MERLIN FOR SMALL MERCIES.
A half an hour later,
“Fisher”: Or, rather, CURSE HIM for added cruelties.
Rutherford: *whispering to Katherine* Wouldn’t a Stunner be a good idea around now?
Katherine: No, then he’ll be even worse when he wakes up. …And the ill mood combined with being hit with an offensive spell might trigger a Gryffindor-Pureblood battle rage, and that would be extremely unpleasant for all involved. But my, you’re actually trying to make yourself useful. I should check to see if you’re really someone else Polyjuiced into dear Mr. Rutherford.
Rutherford: Very funny. Ha. Ha. NOT.
a slightly puzzled Holly climbed down the stairs and headed for the kitchen, his last known location. She was about to open the strangely closed door when the sound of her name stilled her.
“Fisher”: *breathing hard* He’s not wanking. He’s not wanking. It’s just a coincidence. *nods slowly*
“Did she have a nightmare last night?” Eren inquired, and there was the scrape of a chair as she sat down.
Blaise’s voice was filled with confusion. “No, Mum. Why do you ask?”
“I saw her sleeping in your bed.”
“Fisher”: *unnaturally calm voice* Why would you object, given that your Yule celebration includes a nice, all-in-the-family orgy? *raises eyebrows* Is it just that she’s not a family member?
Katherine: Dear. Do you need to lie down?
“Fisher”: *tilts head* No, dear, what could have ever given you that impression? *muttering to himself* Death to the author, a thousand miserable deaths in his or her own head, revenge, revenge for this fic-
Rutherford: *quietly* To your knowledge, does insanity under stress run in his family?
Katherine: Why, I thought that was a requirement to be Sorted into Gryffindor. Aside from that, not any more than in any other Gryffindor Pureblood family.
Guardian’s Song: *makes note that “Fisher” might need to go to Saint Mango’s Hospital for Sue-Related Injuries after this spork* *with any luck, not as a permanent resident in the Sealed Ward* …I hear the PPC Agents sometimes take residents from there to do “research” on them…
Both Slytherins froze.
“What?” the boy asked with ill-hidden horror.
“Fisher”: What’s he going to say next? “Oh, Mummy, I didn’t MEAN to be unfaithful to you?”
Rutherford: At this point, sir, you’re just making it worse.
“Fisher”: *unnerving smile* Worse? Why, whatever do you mean by that?
Rutherford: I didn’t go back in time for your family so that one of you could go utterly mental anyway.
“Fisher”: *face twitches* I’m not. I’m not. …Really. *shakes head*
Katherine: You’re sweating.
“Fisher”: Just… how many more pages? …TEN? Merlin and goats…
Eren exhaled softly. “Last night, Navi came to me. She said that Holly wasn’t in her room; don’t ask me how she knew. So I went to check, and when I couldn’t find her, I went to yours.”
“Why would you go there?” Blaise questioned, trying to salvage the situation.
“Fisher”: To “make her one of the family”, why else?
Rutherford: Sir, that’s absolutely F***ING DISGUSTING!
“Fisher”: *painful smile* *nods slowly and repeatedly* Yes. It is.
Katherine: *puts an arm around him* Everything will be all right, Percival.
“Fisher”: …*deep breaths* I’m sure…
“I figured that she had probably had a nightmare. With her past I couldn’t blame her. She would go to you if she did, and Belle and Lexie always stay with you afterwards when they do,”
“Fisher”: Such beautiful sibling solidarity… Eh-heh… *loudly* You three, if you EVER do anything like this amongst yourselves, if I find out you weren’t under Imperius or somesuch at the time, you will be DISOWNED. Immediately. And irreversibly.
What’s “disowned” mean?
You don’t want to know. What’s Imperius?
The Imperius Curse is one of the three Unforgivable Curses, which are -
Rutherford: How’s an eleven-year-old know about the Unforgivables?
Katherine: Oh, please. You expect me to send a child off to Hogwarts - and likely, in his case, to Slytherin House - without a healthy knowledge of the most well-known Dark spells?
Rutherford: *stares at her* …We didn’t have to worry about them in my day.
Katherine: This from the young man who pontificates on how secrecy solves nothing because the secrets are still there regardless of how well-hidden they are and how lies are less than useless because the truth is going to remain true and the lies are going to remain false…
she explained carefully, not sounding accusatory in the slightest. Eren simply sounded worried, like she thought something bad had happened and had caused Holly to seek comfort.
“Fisher”: …*is too exhausted and semi-deranged to even comment on that line*
Rutherford: *FACIAL SPASMS*
Katherine: *stares at line* *muscles tense* …*relaxes and face settles into resigned expression* Oh, now him too…
“No, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was… it was something else,” he finished. “I’m sorry, but it’s personal. She just now got up the courage to tell me.”
Guardian’s Song: (Blaise) She’s hit puberty, thus making her undesirable to us. *face crumples* WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*blocks comment from sporkers so as to not drive “Fisher” completely mad* …Though, at this rate, he might go mad anyway…
Eren was silent for a second. “It must have been a very painful thing for her to seek you out like that,” she concluded. “It’s good that you helped her.”
Guardian’s Song: All Blaise wants to do is help out!
…If you aren’t a member of clamp_badfic, let me inform you A) that was sarcastic, and B) referring to aforementioned NC-17 badfic in which “help out” means “whore oneself out to members of your group”. 8D *MASSIVE FACIAL SPASM*
“You aren’t mad?” Blaise queried hopefully.
Eren laughed lightly. “Not in the least. I was merely worried about Holly.” Her chair scraped as she rose. “I trust you, Blaise; I don’t have to worry about any improprieties.
Guardian’s Song: Mrs.WeasleymayIhavetheCapslockpleasethankyou - OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE SWEET GOOD… Sacrifices Arc…, THE AUTHOR ACTUALLY SAYS SOMEONE WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS GETTING IT ON. OH. MY. …POKÉMON.
*RETCHES*
“Fisher”: *eerie smile* Yes… Join us… Joooooin us…
Rutherford: *moaning*
Katherine: …All right, I can no longer restrain you. Except that I would rather favor introducing the author to a friend of mine - or, rather, ex-friend - who lives under Hogwarts. My friend is probably quite hungry right now… Hasn’t had roosters for years, I reckon…
I know how you feel about her.”
Guardian’s Song: Awwwwwwwwww fucccccccccccck.
*makes disgusted noise and face* Seriously, at this point, I’m not even making this shit up. The sickening innuendo is fuckin’ text by now. Eeeeeeeeeeugh.
Holly heard Eren kiss her son.
“Fisher”: On the mouth. With tongue, even, I’m sure.
The girl smiled sweetly
Guardian’s Song: All right, fuckin’ HELL, I’M the one who makes all the jokes about Ariana being a voyeur [and an eager one at that] when it comes to her brother and Gellert Grindelwald, but this is making ME sick. I have my limits. Seriously, I thought I was just making bad jokes at the start of this and driving “Fisher” loony, but now, this shit is practically in-fic CANON.
I do not get off to two almost-prepubescent kids having sex, or even the IDEA of such. Particularly not when there’s all this “LOLZ, they iz so innocent and cutesy” shit going on. If they act a ton older, maybe I could overlook (read: forget until reminded) their ages. But nooooooooo. Ugh. ARGHARGHARGHARGHARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. DX
…E-FECKIN’-NOUGH! The jokes aren’t even FUNNY (not that they were funny so much as “My gawd, TRAINWRECK SYNDROME, does the author REALIZE how this could be taken?!” before…) anymore. SHEEZ. DX DX DX *squeezes eyes shuts and gags*
and turned away from the door. She briskly walked up the stairs and back to her game.
“Fisher”: …*buries head in hands*
She didn’t need to listen anymore; she had heard enough.
Guardian’s Song: As I said, I make jokes, but really. EFFING SICKO.
And, pray tell, why couldn’t Little Miss Mindrape have just listened in telepathically? Seriously, if you’re a mindreading sociopath, USE THE ABILITY, instead of just using your ears like all us flatscans. SHEEZ. >=(
I did NOT believe my jokes about a one-night stand could possibly be considered by anyone in the fic to be real.
I am not easily driven to gag. Hell, I have kind of bad taste.
However, even I must say, Holly is a sick bitch.
Read on...
Breakfast afterwards was a happy affair. For once, the house-elves joined them and actually sat at the table, a strange thing considering the little beings’ ideas of propriety.
Rutherford: I keep remembering Dobby. Passing it off as “propriety” makes me ill. Try HAVING TO BEAT YOURSELF if you defy orders.
Katherine: Such gutless Purebloods. Conforming to a Muggle-raised half-blood’s ethical standards?
Rutherford: You’re a Muggleborn.
Katherine: And I act as the Purebloods act, as is fitting of one who understands the most basic rules of etiquette! If you are invited into a group out of the benevolence of the members, you obey their laws.
Rutherford: Is this why all you Slytherins are so stagnant?
Katherine: Is this why so many Muggleborns, half-bloods, and Gryffindor Purebloods fail to get anywhere in life and instead merely sit around and complain? Too busy wanting to have their cake and eat it too?
Rutherford: Human decency is “wanting to have your cake and eat it too”? All we demand is simple human decency!
Katherine: So, do you think you lot have the ability to demand of ancient families of bloodlines stretching all the way back to the days of Merlin himself that they conform to your standards? Mr. Rutherford, I rather get the impression that in your time, no one gives authority half the respect it deserves.
Rutherford: In my time, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore - you might have heard of him? Once or twice? - always did what was right instead of what was approved by authority -
Katherine: Very funny, Mr. Rutherford, but has it occurred to you that the ancient and incredibly powerful, intelligent, charming, and cunning -if I do say so myself - Headmaster of Hogwarts might have had the most true authority of any wizards or witches present in Britain? Would you have demanded that he change whatever he was doing to fit your petty wishes, with hardly any knowledge of the carefully-laid plans and well-thought-out traditions you were trampling?
Rutherford: *rolls his eyes* SLYTHERINS. They just miss the point.
Katherine: By which you mean, I suppose, we think beyond the next five seconds…
Holly sat between Alexandria, who was still somewhat attached to the older girl,
“Fisher”: *covers face with hands*
and Navi, who seemed be slightly scandalised and was clearly uncomfortable at the table.
“Fisher”: *stares* *ecstatic expression dawns upon face* It’s - it’s someone SANE!
Rutherford: I think it’s a House-Elf, and -
“Fisher”: It’s someone SANE, I shall cherish it, I - I -
Guardian’s Song: It’s a fucking Legend of Zelda ripoff, that’s what it is.
“Fisher”: *ignores blissfully*
Katherine: It makes him calm and happy, don’t object. *pats “Fisher” on the back*
{snip where Blaise is sitting} Throughout the entire meal, he beamed at her from across the table, still pleased by Holly’s reaction to his gift.
Rutherford: *ominous tone* Because it wasn’t his, you mean? He was just the delivery boy, and he got treated like it was all his? Typical Slytherin scu-
Katherine: I shall thank you, Mr. Rutherford, not to make such idiotic and ignorant comments in the future, particularly as you have been living with our family for two years.
Rutherford: *mutters to self*
“Fisher”: *too spaced out with bliss to notice the conversation*
Once they were finished, Holly was dragged off to play a game with the two Zabini girls.
“Fisher”: *SCREAMS*
Katherine: Dear, calm -
“Fisher”: *eyetwitch* I’m calm, I’m calm, ooh, look, is that the author over there? Tell you what, dear, let me reclaim my wand, I’m sure that if I’m the full master that I can -
Katherine: That’s a rutabaga, dear. …Are you feeling all right?
“Fisher”: *hyperventilates for a bit* …No. No, I’m really not. I’ll manage, though. *closes eyes and presses fingers to temple*
Blaise, however, didn’t join them.
“Fisher”: THANK MERLIN FOR SMALL MERCIES.
A half an hour later,
“Fisher”: Or, rather, CURSE HIM for added cruelties.
Rutherford: *whispering to Katherine* Wouldn’t a Stunner be a good idea around now?
Katherine: No, then he’ll be even worse when he wakes up. …And the ill mood combined with being hit with an offensive spell might trigger a Gryffindor-Pureblood battle rage, and that would be extremely unpleasant for all involved. But my, you’re actually trying to make yourself useful. I should check to see if you’re really someone else Polyjuiced into dear Mr. Rutherford.
Rutherford: Very funny. Ha. Ha. NOT.
a slightly puzzled Holly climbed down the stairs and headed for the kitchen, his last known location. She was about to open the strangely closed door when the sound of her name stilled her.
“Fisher”: *breathing hard* He’s not wanking. He’s not wanking. It’s just a coincidence. *nods slowly*
“Did she have a nightmare last night?” Eren inquired, and there was the scrape of a chair as she sat down.
Blaise’s voice was filled with confusion. “No, Mum. Why do you ask?”
“I saw her sleeping in your bed.”
“Fisher”: *unnaturally calm voice* Why would you object, given that your Yule celebration includes a nice, all-in-the-family orgy? *raises eyebrows* Is it just that she’s not a family member?
Katherine: Dear. Do you need to lie down?
“Fisher”: *tilts head* No, dear, what could have ever given you that impression? *muttering to himself* Death to the author, a thousand miserable deaths in his or her own head, revenge, revenge for this fic-
Rutherford: *quietly* To your knowledge, does insanity under stress run in his family?
Katherine: Why, I thought that was a requirement to be Sorted into Gryffindor. Aside from that, not any more than in any other Gryffindor Pureblood family.
Guardian’s Song: *makes note that “Fisher” might need to go to Saint Mango’s Hospital for Sue-Related Injuries after this spork* *with any luck, not as a permanent resident in the Sealed Ward* …I hear the PPC Agents sometimes take residents from there to do “research” on them…
Both Slytherins froze.
“What?” the boy asked with ill-hidden horror.
“Fisher”: What’s he going to say next? “Oh, Mummy, I didn’t MEAN to be unfaithful to you?”
Rutherford: At this point, sir, you’re just making it worse.
“Fisher”: *unnerving smile* Worse? Why, whatever do you mean by that?
Rutherford: I didn’t go back in time for your family so that one of you could go utterly mental anyway.
“Fisher”: *face twitches* I’m not. I’m not. …Really. *shakes head*
Katherine: You’re sweating.
“Fisher”: Just… how many more pages? …TEN? Merlin and goats…
Eren exhaled softly. “Last night, Navi came to me. She said that Holly wasn’t in her room; don’t ask me how she knew. So I went to check, and when I couldn’t find her, I went to yours.”
“Why would you go there?” Blaise questioned, trying to salvage the situation.
“Fisher”: To “make her one of the family”, why else?
Rutherford: Sir, that’s absolutely F***ING DISGUSTING!
“Fisher”: *painful smile* *nods slowly and repeatedly* Yes. It is.
Katherine: *puts an arm around him* Everything will be all right, Percival.
“Fisher”: …*deep breaths* I’m sure…
“I figured that she had probably had a nightmare. With her past I couldn’t blame her. She would go to you if she did, and Belle and Lexie always stay with you afterwards when they do,”
“Fisher”: Such beautiful sibling solidarity… Eh-heh… *loudly* You three, if you EVER do anything like this amongst yourselves, if I find out you weren’t under Imperius or somesuch at the time, you will be DISOWNED. Immediately. And irreversibly.
What’s “disowned” mean?
You don’t want to know. What’s Imperius?
The Imperius Curse is one of the three Unforgivable Curses, which are -
Rutherford: How’s an eleven-year-old know about the Unforgivables?
Katherine: Oh, please. You expect me to send a child off to Hogwarts - and likely, in his case, to Slytherin House - without a healthy knowledge of the most well-known Dark spells?
Rutherford: *stares at her* …We didn’t have to worry about them in my day.
Katherine: This from the young man who pontificates on how secrecy solves nothing because the secrets are still there regardless of how well-hidden they are and how lies are less than useless because the truth is going to remain true and the lies are going to remain false…
she explained carefully, not sounding accusatory in the slightest. Eren simply sounded worried, like she thought something bad had happened and had caused Holly to seek comfort.
“Fisher”: …*is too exhausted and semi-deranged to even comment on that line*
Rutherford: *FACIAL SPASMS*
Katherine: *stares at line* *muscles tense* …*relaxes and face settles into resigned expression* Oh, now him too…
“No, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was… it was something else,” he finished. “I’m sorry, but it’s personal. She just now got up the courage to tell me.”
Guardian’s Song: (Blaise) She’s hit puberty, thus making her undesirable to us. *face crumples* WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*blocks comment from sporkers so as to not drive “Fisher” completely mad* …Though, at this rate, he might go mad anyway…
Eren was silent for a second. “It must have been a very painful thing for her to seek you out like that,” she concluded. “It’s good that you helped her.”
Guardian’s Song: All Blaise wants to do is help out!
…If you aren’t a member of clamp_badfic, let me inform you A) that was sarcastic, and B) referring to aforementioned NC-17 badfic in which “help out” means “whore oneself out to members of your group”. 8D *MASSIVE FACIAL SPASM*
“You aren’t mad?” Blaise queried hopefully.
Eren laughed lightly. “Not in the least. I was merely worried about Holly.” Her chair scraped as she rose. “I trust you, Blaise; I don’t have to worry about any improprieties.
Guardian’s Song: Mrs.WeasleymayIhavetheCapslockpleasethankyou - OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE SWEET GOOD… Sacrifices Arc…, THE AUTHOR ACTUALLY SAYS SOMEONE WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS GETTING IT ON. OH. MY. …POKÉMON.
*RETCHES*
“Fisher”: *eerie smile* Yes… Join us… Joooooin us…
Rutherford: *moaning*
Katherine: …All right, I can no longer restrain you. Except that I would rather favor introducing the author to a friend of mine - or, rather, ex-friend - who lives under Hogwarts. My friend is probably quite hungry right now… Hasn’t had roosters for years, I reckon…
I know how you feel about her.”
Guardian’s Song: Awwwwwwwwww fucccccccccccck.
*makes disgusted noise and face* Seriously, at this point, I’m not even making this shit up. The sickening innuendo is fuckin’ text by now. Eeeeeeeeeeugh.
Holly heard Eren kiss her son.
“Fisher”: On the mouth. With tongue, even, I’m sure.
The girl smiled sweetly
Guardian’s Song: All right, fuckin’ HELL, I’M the one who makes all the jokes about Ariana being a voyeur [and an eager one at that] when it comes to her brother and Gellert Grindelwald, but this is making ME sick. I have my limits. Seriously, I thought I was just making bad jokes at the start of this and driving “Fisher” loony, but now, this shit is practically in-fic CANON.
I do not get off to two almost-prepubescent kids having sex, or even the IDEA of such. Particularly not when there’s all this “LOLZ, they iz so innocent and cutesy” shit going on. If they act a ton older, maybe I could overlook (read: forget until reminded) their ages. But nooooooooo. Ugh. ARGHARGHARGHARGHARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. DX
…E-FECKIN’-NOUGH! The jokes aren’t even FUNNY (not that they were funny so much as “My gawd, TRAINWRECK SYNDROME, does the author REALIZE how this could be taken?!” before…) anymore. SHEEZ. DX DX DX *squeezes eyes shuts and gags*
and turned away from the door. She briskly walked up the stairs and back to her game.
“Fisher”: …*buries head in hands*
She didn’t need to listen anymore; she had heard enough.
Guardian’s Song: As I said, I make jokes, but really. EFFING SICKO.
And, pray tell, why couldn’t Little Miss Mindrape have just listened in telepathically? Seriously, if you’re a mindreading sociopath, USE THE ABILITY, instead of just using your ears like all us flatscans. SHEEZ. >=(