(no subject)
Harry had to smile somewhat. Ron and him? Freckles were never his thing.
Rutherford: No, teenage Dark Lords-to-be are. *pauses* Oops.
*resolves to be a teenage Dark Lord-to-be when she grows up* …Whatever that is, but if Harry likes it, it can’t be bad…
He wondered what Dumbledore meant by all options. (Albus) Oral, anal, and as you’re the victim of a bad MPreg, vaginal may also be available… Oh, that. Something didn’t sit right with Harry about that option. I agree. Men should not have vaginas. He knew that a male pregnancy was against nature itself
“Fisher”: Yes! It is! *stares at fic* Wait, is that what’s - but that’s just - ARGH!
Katherine: I don’t know… If you had to carry it, I suppose we could manage one more child…
“Fisher”: *cringes away* No thank you, no thank you, three is perfect…
but he remembered once Hermione had clued him in that it did happen in the Wizarding! world.
Rutherford: And WHY would she be interested?
Guardian’s Song: MPreg makes for a nice gateway drug to slash…
Rutherford: I’m straight, I’m perfectly straight! D: So what if Dumbledore’s father is good-looking and the teenage Grindelwald and Riddle were handsome?! I’m straight!
She had probably discovered the information tucked into forgotten book
Guardian’s Song:
[You see Forgotten Book. What do you do?
A) Ignore
B) Burn
C) Read
D) Throw at Malfoy]
C
[Hermione reads Forgotten Book]
[…]
*triumphant game music* [Hermione finds “Information on MPreg” tucked into Forgotten Book! You got “Information on MPreg”! Hermione gains 100 EXP!]
that only Hermione had read in the past 100 years. But the trigger for such an extraordinary event always stuck with him.
“When two powerful wizards are intimate with one another, a pregnancy can result. The magic of both wizards, however, must be perfectly in sync with the other but at the same time completely opposed. Their magical cores must be identical and conflicting. In short, it would take two highly unique individuals to form a child.”
Guardian’s Song: Okay, okay, so Dumbledore knocked Grindelwald up, what else is new?
But seriously, if you’re going to have some sort of “This happens when two ridiculously powerful wizards have sex” thing and don’t specifically say “DH is not in canon for this fic”, either Grindelwald or Dumbledore (or both) is going to have probably been knocked up during the Summer of 1899. Hell, the above passage could have been tailor-made for Grindeldore. Then again, I’m biased, but… (The main problem is that the spawn would have made some sort of impact upon the magical world unless it was a Squib - in which case it might’ve done something in the Muggle world -, and then a DESCENDANT should have done something. *sigh* Blah.)
The point is, “Why was there no Grindeldore lovechild?” is unfortunately a valid question in these “HAI YOU IZ RANDOMLY MPREGNANT” fics. I mean, hell, if Snape or Remus or Sirius or whoever can randomly angst about having had an MPreg baby but it was taken away/miscarried/aborted/whatnot, why not Albus “I spent my life angsting about my mistakes when I was eighteen” Dumbledore?
I cut out a rant here, but basically, why do Dumbledore and Grindelwald get so little love from the fandom at large? So Dumbledore’s a manipulative, smug bastard. Fanon!Draco is a smug bastard - isn’t that why fanbrats love him? - and treats Weasleys like excrement. So Grindelwald’s a sadistic, Dark bastard. I thought Stuthors got off on that. And at least the two actually are charming. *sigh* I swear, JKR let the Dumbledore backstory be the Promised Land of fandom, but people just IGNORE it. Oh well. Means we’re mostly untarnished. 8D
So he and Draco Albus were one and the same but total opposites in everything. Gellert snorted and scowled. He already knew that. He still hadn’t been expecting to - well - be expecting! Sometimes he hated magical writers. Why couldn’t they just cut to the point?
{snip} Professor Dumbledore entered first, looking tired and a bit stern. Too stern in all reality.
Katherine: Or he could just be in PAIN from the curse that should have killed him during the previous year. Self-absorbed little prat… too much so to even be in character at this point.
Rutherford: Thank you, I suppose.
Katherine: *raises eyebrows* What is this? Gratitude? From you? Whatever have you done with Mr. Rutherford, and whatever can we do to keep him from coming back?
Rutherford: I’m always happy to hear how much I’m loved. *rolls his eyes*
Professor Snape followed second with his usual sneer of disinterested.
“Fisher”: …Did the author forget a word?
Guardian’s Song: I don’t think she even knew she was missing a word.
Finally, Madam Pomfrey took up the rear
Guardian’s Song: O_o Good grief, I wasn’t JOKING about the positions, was I?!
“Fisher”: *cheerfully* He’s of age, he’s of age, hooray!
and looked as though she wanted to hug Harry from now until he was ready to deliver. Dumbledore sat on the edge of Harry’s bed, SEMICOLON! NOT COMMA! the gentleness of his eyes was still there *gently* See, little comma? This is where you go! *pats it and puts it in its proper place* but it seemed to be forced.
“Harry, Madam Pomfrey has told us about your condition. This has come as a great shock to all of us, especially to you as I can image.”
Guardian’s Song: Albus Dumbledore could imitate an MRI, amongst other things.
“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to grow up and be a statistic.”
Katherine: Nonsense! You won’t be a statistic - you’ll be an entire chapter in one of those Odd Magical Medical Occurrences books!
Rutherford: Now I want to die quickly of some rare disease. *turns green*
“Male pregnancy is a rare occurrence but it does happen. However, I’ve never heard of a case in someone as young as yourself.
Guardian’s Song: (Gellert) Vatever do you mean? I vas sixteen.
*shifty look* I swear, I’m only imitating the fic…
As you can image, Harry is an MRI too! TEH SHOXXORS! the health risks for any man attempting to carry a child are many and great.
Rutherford: Such as driving yourself into insanity by asking “Why me? Why me?”.
Considering your age and all the other trials you are facing right now, one must look at other recourses.”
“Excuse me Professor, he dinnae grow up bein’ taught good manners. and allow me to be blunt. I heard what you and Madam Pomfrey were talking about and the answer is no. This happened for a reason, one I’m not sure of yet, but I know there is a purpose behind the...pregnancy.”
Guardian’s Song: Because the author wanted her favorite couple to have babies and pulled a reason out of nowhere.
Honestly, I don’t mind MPreg at all so long as you go to the trouble of answering why a man has spontaneously developed a uterus and had an egg in there (bonus points if you answer how the sperm got up there, but my standards have been ground down to the point where I’ll accept magical teleportation of sperm if you have a good reason why the uterus-and-egg are there in the first place), but I’m sick of the DESTINED MPREG thing. Dude, let’s have a fic where Luna spontaneously got pregnant by Ariana’s portrait or something if you’re going to have ridiculously contrived situations involving spontaneous bizarre pregnancies. At least we have no canon saying Luna and Ariana’s portrait were mortal enemies or were both straight. And if a man can get another man pregnant despite a distinct lack of uteri and ovaries, a portrait can get a woman pregnant. Hey, at least all the equipment is there on the side that seriously NEEDS it, and it wouldn’t be clichéd. And we’d have the “Absolutely Batshit Magic” excuse in spades. :P
Dumbledore let out a sigh. Harry realized that if the man had more strength, he probably would have put up more of a fight.
“As you wish, but this will not be easy. We will do everything we can to protect you but note this; COLON! NOT SEMICOLON! My gad, is THIS why all the semicolons in DH turned into colons?! Because the colons over here all turned into semicolons, so the cosmic balance in HP-related fiction had to be maintained?! you are now at an even greater risk from Voldemort. The first thing we must do is keep this pregnancy quiet for as long as we can. I’ll inform the Order to see what other provisions can be done.”
Rutherford: (Dumbledore) Such as asking Aberforth to provide free Firewhiskey for all… I don’t know if he’ll humor me, but he’ll certainly humor himself once he hears, so perhaps I can simply “distribute some in his absence”…
Dumbledore slowly rose to his feet and turned to walk out of the enclosed space. Before he did though, the Headmaster turned to face Harry, SEMICOLON! NOT COMMA! a strong desire to know something burned in his throat.
Katherine: It’s poor form to change from consistent third-person-limited to third-person-universal.
“There is one more thing. Who is the father?”
Harry swallowed. It was going to come out sooner or later, might as well be sooner.
“Draco Malfoy sir. Kreacher? It’s got to be Kreacher speaking, since Dobby says ‘Harry Potter sir’… We’ve been seeing each other for the past year.”
Dumbledore nodded solemnly and walked past Snape and Pomfrey. Harry swore he heard Dumbledore mutter “I should have let the Death Eaters have him.”
Rutherford: *GAPES* …
*SHAKES WITH RAGE* I’m not his greatest follower anymore, but that’s utterly out of character! He would NEVER say something like that over a relationship! In fact, he’d tell me to be HAPPY with Draco, even if he personally thought it was a bad idea! He may be a bastard, but he’s a mostly kindly bastard to people’s faces! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
****
He fell asleep shortly after that. Madam Pomfrey decided to keep him in the infirmary for a few days to administer vitamin potions Run, Harry, run! and allow Harry to rest.
Guardian’s Song: (Pomfrey) *beep beep lalalala!* Your Chosen One is fighting fit! We hope to see you again!
Instead of being woken by disappointed whispers, he felt a tickling against his forehead. Voldemort cheerfully said through the link “You know how your scar sessions with me are oddly like bad sex scenes if you just replace a few crucial words? Turns out they weren’t just metaphorically so…” He opened his eyes to see the grey irises of Draco peering down at him. A slow smile spread across his face, SEMICOLON! NOT COMMA! he felt safe.
“You fell off your broom again *twitching* See, little comma? This is where you go! *nudges it in the direction of the sentence* didn’t you?”
“Shut it, git. CORRECT PUNCTUATION! *faints out of sheer bliss* *sighs* *hugs her and strokes her hair* *mutters* I’ll never understand why she does this to herself. How did you know I was here?”
{snip}
Draco stilled. His pale skin seemed to go completely white. The moment ebbed and stretched painfully, Semicolon, not comma.
Guardian’s Song: And while we’re at it, a dramatic pause should not sound like “prepping” for anal sex.
a reaction, any kind of reaction, would be sufficient to end it.
“Come again?” Draco choked, trying to allow the words to attain meaning in his head.
“Fisher”: *stares* He wants to comprehend this?!
“I’m pregnant. {snip}
Another moment so endless it pained Harry to exist in it. Another sentence fragment so pretentious it pained the sporkers to read it. Draco was without any words, no recourse.
“Fisher”: …Like the readers?
He simply stared motionless at Harry, trying to comprehend the news of his impending fatherhood. Harry half expected Draco to walk away right there and never look back.
Katherine: And you’re certain you want to be in true loooooove with this man? If he just runs out at the first sign of trouble, he’ll hardly be a reliable partner.
He wouldn’t hate Draco too much if he did.
“Fisher”: And would the spork captain hate us too much if we walked away from this fic right now?
Guardian’s Song: *twinkles* Not at all, sweeties! Now, would you prefer to read Child of Grace, Celebrían, or Little Miss Mary next? (Sorry, Subjugation is reserved for Albus and Gellert for obvious reasons.)
“Fisher”: …So the question is really whether we’d hate ourselves too much for walking away from this fic, isn’t it?
Guardian’s Song: *kindly smile* Exactly, my sporkers. *softly twinkles* That reminds me, Haunted is also up for grabs.
Rutherford: *attempts to softly smother self with soft pillow*
Guardian’s Song: Ah, you’ve heard of it! :D
Hell, if the positions were reversed If Draco had bottomed, you mean? :D;;, Harry would be tempted to do the same thing. But Harry could never quite figure Draco out.
Rutherford: Selfish, snotty, weak-willed, bigoted, pointy prat. The author seems to be having trouble figuring that out, though.
Draco leaned over and kissed Harry. This kiss was soft,
Guardian’s Song: Holy crap! I’m psychic! O_o
Rutherford: *attempts to softly smother self with soft pillow again*
almost uneasy. It was like Draco wanted to say a thousand things to Harry but not one word was good enough for this occasion. But he tried. “HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD SHIT SPECTACULAR WHAT-THE-FUCK OH-MY-GOD BARBEQUE MY EFFING ASS CRAZY GIANT PIKACHU X-RATED-” And so it went for the next few hours; Harry wondered when Draco would collapse from lack of air or just run out of gibberish. He pulled back and scooted his chair down Harry’s body and near his midsection.
“Fisher”: *stares* What is he doing?!
Rutherford: Apparently, he got tired of just using his hands and tongue. *gapes*
Katherine: Strangest way of attempting to induce a miscarriage that I’ve ever heard of. There are potions for that. No need to attempt to assault the pregnant… person… with a chair. *shakes head*
Carefully, Draco placed his head on Harry’s tender stomach which was enjoying its last few days as unchanged.
“Fisher”: There is a meaning, but you need to squint.
His hand now moved slowly over Harry’s belly in a fluid motion.