(no subject)
“Um, hello baby. I’m your father and well, I guess Harry is your father and mother too.
Guardian’s Song: Y’know, methinks the only time you should refer to a man as a “mother” in fanfic is when playing the game of “Enjoying Picking on the Poor Pregnant Man”. It’s quite fun, but shouldn’t be done bedpan. I mean, deadpan. This fic is causing my mind to go straight into the toilet. Well, at least at the bottom, I’ll hit the place where the fic came from! 8D;;
You are certainly getting an interesting start. You were quite unexpected but are no less loved. Now concentrate on getting strong, and we’ll take care of the rest for now.”
Harry decided to add a new moment to the ones he wanted to flash again, I read this as “flush” before his eyes when his death approached: Draco’s head on his belly talking to their unborn child.
*****
The robes were good, but they weren’t that good. Harry was now six months pregnant and his secret was getting more difficult to hide. The Quidditch season had been suspended on fears that groups of flying students could provoke attacks.
“Fisher”: I thought they destroyed that flock of deranged geese?
Katherine: Apparently, they’ve returned…
Harry was actually grateful because then he wouldn’t have to come up with some excuse of an injury plaguing him. He knew that lessons and trying to destroy a demon in flesh would not be a proper reason to forfeit his standing in the team.
Rutherford: *HEADDESK* *HEADDESK* *HEADDESK* MRRRRRRRRARRRRRRRRGH.
Guardian’s Song: Logic has fallen. Sanity is dead. They are coming.
Another factor that played to Harry’s advantage was he was not carrying as big. Madam Pomfrey stated that this was somewhat common in male pregnancies during the second trimester.
“Fisher”: How would they know?
Guardian’s Song: Because if there’s ONE case of MPreg, every male character from Ron Weasley to Severus Snape has been MPregnant! …Everyone except for Albus, that is. Lucky man. Though you’d think that, during an MPreg epidemic, Doge would be quite happy to find himself expecting the great Albus Dumbledore’s child…
Although a rounding of their stomach is quite noticeable, it is not as pronounced as in their female counterparts.
Katherine: Hello, random tense change. I’d like to introduce you to my dear friend, the basilisk of Hogwarts.
However, he would only be able to enjoy this for a short time. His third and final trimester was around the corner, and that is when the men played catch up in belly size. For now, Harry played it as if he had just gained a few pounds.
He still hadn’t broken the news to Ron or Hermione yet. And honestly, how does one bring up these things in polite conversation. Question mark, not period. *mumbling in her sleep* I sense a great disturbance in the punctuation… The badfic is obscuring the will of Strunk and White… “Oh hey guys, how’s the research coming? By the way, I’m up the duff.” But eventually they would probably figure out something. Actually, Hermione was already three steps there. She was constantly giving Harry funny looks. The one thing that was looking up was that most of the Horcruxes had been either found or destroyed. Off-screen, yea! How amazingly dramatic! It’s like JKR herself wrote it - not. Jeez, I mock JKR mercilessly, but she beats the everliving crud out of badfic writers. D: The Order was busy securing the items and sending them into oblivion.
Rutherford: *sarcastically* I know, wasn’t it easy? He put them in the most obvious places, and without any nasty protections! Why, I just walked into somewhere, and there they were! And pfft, who needs a little thing like Parseltongue? Siiiiiii-lly me.
It had been Harry’s task originally, but that had changed. The official reason was Harry’s safety. However, only a few select members knew of the reality of the situation. Kingsley, Remus, Tonks, who was expecting herself, and Moody were the elite few selected to hear about the impending arrival. {mini-snip} Harry did get a special feeling when he thought of Tonks with child, mainly because it was Remus’ child. Who would have suspected that bisexuality existed in werewolves as well.
Guardian’s Song: I don’t know - possibly someone who wasn’t a closed-minded git?
Remus and Sirius shared a love that dare not speak its name but instead howled, usually every Saturday at Grimmauld Place.
Guardian’s Song: *blinks* …*holds up hands* Let it not be said that I do not give credit where credit is due. That was pretty dang witty. :D *notes it down*
But with Sirius gone through the tapestry of death And I’ll admit that sounds far more dramatic than “drapery of death”, so I’ll let that pass., Remus was free to spawn.
Harry was sitting in his bed, studying for an upcoming test in Charms. He did not look up when the door opened and closed to the dorm. It was probably Ron looking for something or Neville hiding from someone.
Rutherford: *RAGES* NEVILLE IS NOT A COWARD! He led Dumbledore’s Army when the Carrows took over, and NO COWARD would do such a thing! He grew up from the nervous, forgetful, chubby child, damnit! He DID! *SLAMS FIST AGAINST TABLE* FUCKING IDIOT AUTHOR!
Katherine: …Quite vehement, aren’t you?
Rutherford: You didn’t see him nearly shredded when he climbed through the portrait. He suffered more than I can even imagine in the name of an idiot who hungered for his own power, was expecting a plan that wasn’t there, and was helpless without his mentor’s guidance… *rubs forehead, looking ill* Better man than I, that’s for sure…
Only when he felt his bed dip is when he looked to see the brown eyes of one Hermione Jean Jane? Jean? Oh, heck, I’ll just blame JKR… Granger.
Damn. Here we go.
“Harry, can I talk to you?”
“Before you can ask Hermione, I’m pregnant and the baby is Draco Malfoy's.”
“Oh haha. Why do you have to be so sarcastic at times?”
Rutherford: That’s Ron. So who am I talking to, anyway? I just asked him not to ask Hermione…
Harry looked up and gave her
Rutherford: Girls’ and boys’ quarters are SEPARATE, you know, and the staircases go haywire if someone of the wrong gender attempts to go up one! *FACEPALM*
his “you think I would joke about this?” look. He put down his book and lifted up his shirt to reveal a distended belly. Hermione’s eyes widened. She abruptly got up and walked out of the room. Harry didn’t call after her or do anything. She knew and there was nothing he could really do about it. He went back to his homework.
Rutherford: …Who is this?! Homework? What?!
Katherine: *annoyed look* I already like him better.
Rutherford: You would.
After dinner, which Hermione was absent from, Harry ignored everyone in the Common Room and decided to go to bed early. He was tired easily and sleep was the only way he could get away from people.
Katherine: Never mind. He’s as bad as you.
Rutherford: Thank you. *scowls*
Katherine: *sweet smile* That will give you wrinkles.
Rutherford: Since you and your husband’re both effing Legilimenses, let me just say out loud that if it wasn’t for your miserable fate in the original timeline, I’d wish a horrible death upon you!
Katherine: *disconcerted* …Thank you for human decency, then.
Rutherford: *sweet smile* You’re welcome.
“Fisher”: *smacks him on the back*
Rutherford: *still sweetly smiling*
Well, he still had those lovely nightmares about Voldemort torturing everyone and their mother. As he walked into the dorm, he noticed a small brown package placed on his bed. Curiously, he opened up the stiff paper to reveal two pairs of baby booties, one pair in the colours of red and orange,
*Fisher and Rutherford simultaneously* And GOLD! Red and GOLD!
the other pair fashioned in green and silver. A note was attached to the footwear.
“Harry,
I love you
Guardian’s Song: (Harmoanians) *die of bliss*
and will always protect you.
Guardian’s Song: (Harmoanians) *more dying of bliss*
Hermione”
Guardian’s Song: (Harmoanians) Aww, she didn’t say “Yours forever, Hermione Granger”? Well, we know she meant it. We’ve survived off of everything from hippogriff rides to evil lockets, we can CERTAINLY survive off of this. 8D;;
…I actually do pity Harmoanians. It’s the sort of “determined kicked puppy” attitude they have towards keeping their ship above water - after a while, you must admire their willpower and devotion. :D;;
She was annoying, opinionated, stubborn, too smart for her own good, Mrs. Weasley? Thank you.
FUCKING EXCUSE ME?!
WHAT?! WHAT?! Effing WHAT?! …Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. *hands back Capslock of Rage* and the best fucking friend any person really deserved.
Rutherford: That’s Ron. …When he’s not having another fit of low self-esteem, that is.
Guardian’s Song: Hey, since JKR reads fanfiction, she should have known the signs when Ron began going a bit loopy in DH. Frustrated!Ron is the canary in the mine of Idiot Plots and Suefics. >_>
Another memory was to be added to his growing collection to flush down the toilet.
****
No announcement was made, everyone just knew. Madam Pomfrey was right; the third trimester was the most obvious one. After Hermione found out, Ron was quick to follow. He couldn’t look at Harry the same way for weeks.
“Fisher”: (Ron) My eyes… MY EYES…
EYEBALLS!
Katherine: Not again!
*much ruckus ensures*
{snip} The worst part was Draco. Dumbledore had ordered the two to be separated as much as possible; if the knowledge that the son of a known Death Eater was the father of the Saviour’s child, the River Styx would flow freely through Hogwarts.
Guardian’s Song: Why? Seriously, why? *ignores shrieks as the sporkers fend off the usual Syaoran attack* Voldemort’s trying his damnedest to get into Hogwarts anyway, so what difference does Harry’s lovechild make?! *sigh* Voldemort cares more about his own goals than the honor of the Death Eaters, idiot Suethors. |P
They communicated through Owls and the occasional clichéd-as-hell stolen moment. Harry had never felt so alone in his entire life, and he was carrying around another person.
Guardian’s Song: Because the fic is so effing annoying, I’ll go against my own personal worldview to make a snide comment that it’s not really a person until it’s born, per se. *sigh*
Yes, another being was growing inside him. Harry couldn’t help but gape at the large expanse his waistline had become.
{snip - suffice to say, ain’t no “healthy glow of pregnancy” here, which is refreshing, I admit.}
Katherine: *rubs face* *grits teeth at the pain from the various scratches and bruises* Are you two all right?
Rutherford: Aside from a burst capillary in one eye? Yeah.
“Fisher”: *groans* This isn’t even Child of Grace - I wouldn’t be happy if I lost an eye… *leans back and covers his face with one hand* Creature kicks like a maddened goat…
Harry rubbed his stomach and felt a strong kick on his left side. The baby was up; one blessed thing was their hours were similar. Although sometimes the little one didn’t like to sleep in as much. Madam Pomfrey asked if he wanted to know the sex. Harry had refused; he always liked surprises.
Rutherford: Yeah, like “OH HAI, HARRY! YOU CAN HAS NO MASTER PLAN WHATSOEVER, BECAUSE I’M KEEPING YOU ALIVE BY GIVING YOU NO IDEA OF WHAT YOU NEED TO DO! :DDDDDDD”. That was SO fun.
Harry put on his Gryffindor jumper and robes and headed down for breakfast. He was greeted by the usual whispers and stares at his midsection. Surely, if all of Hogwarts knew, some kind of word had to have gotten back to Voldemort. Death Eaters sent their kids to school as well.
Rutherford: *narrating* And in the end, it turned out the power the Dark Lord knew not was “not literally dying of laughter at absurd situations”.
He walked into the Great Hall and immediately his eyes set on Draco. *removes eyes from on top of Draco, wipes them off, and ingests them* The blond looked so sad, vulnerable. It took all of Harry’s strength not to scream at the top of his lungs that he loved Draco and he was the father.
Rutherford: Wait! Whoever you are, come back over here! Please! You can have my -
“Fisher”: What are the virtues of Gryffindor? Chivalry, boldness, and brave-
Rutherford: For the love of Merlin, you’re preaching to me about this after your behavior during the Child of Grace spork?
“Fisher”: This is hardly as bad as prepubescent incestuous orgies. And no, it’s not worse, so don’t even think it.
Rutherford: *mutters* But it is.
But he didn’t and instead sat down at the far end of the Gryffindor table and quietly ate with Hermione and Ron.
His lessons were awful, everyone stared. So these were the people he was supposed to be fighting for? A group of narrow-minded, nosey prats who’d rather judge than fully understand.
Katherine: It’s a pregnant man, what is there to understand? Of course everyone’s going to stare. *snorts*
Brilliant, the universe sure knew how to pick the lot of people who needed to survive. His final class of the day was Defense Against the Dark Arts. Harry excelled at DADA, even with Snape teaching. Sorry, no one manages to teach for over a year. Get that through your head. Snape was now an interesting figure in his life. He seemed to Harry to be the only one who wasn’t terribly unnerved by the pregnancy. Snape kept his remarks to himself and treated Harry in a way that could only be seen as fairly.
Rutherford: SNAPE?! Who is this, and what do I have to do to -
Katherine: Ahem.
Rutherford: Oh, go -
“Fisher”: Don’t say that to my wife.
Rutherford: …Go play Quidditch, what did you think I was going to say?
“Fisher”: I’m a Legilimens. I saw the words in your head.
Rutherford: …Damn.