In penance for various stupidities...
I'm donating a shoddy spork of a chapter of a certain fic that needs to have its sporking resumed... (Not LMM, sorry.) :P
The faster you guess which badfic this is, the faster you get a cookie...
Disclaimer: YOU COULD NOT MAKE ME CLAIM THIS FIC WAS MINE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
The next-Gen kids, who make a (relatively) short guest apperance, obviously, do not belong to me. JKR be praised for little canon kiddies, riiiight here for any fanficcers to take unfair advantage of them... *creepy laugh*
--
Chapter Nineteen
Nothing to Brag About
"I can't believe he'd do that to me," Emily sobbed, as Caitlin updated her with
- the newest Sue traits! Now, she was an angsty!betrayed!Sue, on top of everything else! It was only a matter of time before she began getting inheritances rolling in from Gringotts...
all that Randy and Matt had overheard. "Are they positive it was Tyler?
Caitlin looked incredulously at her 'sister' and shook her head with frustration. "No they're not positive," Caitlin said, her voice filling with
Lysander: Frosting? 8)
Guardian's Song: ...
irritation. "They didn't actually see his face. It could have been two other boys. I imagine you've posed for nude pictures with dozens of boys in this school that have a brother that wants to see you expelled and your life ruined."
Rose: Knowing context, I can imagine she has. *blinks* Wait, did she just say it could definitely have been two other boys?!
Scorpius: ...What are we doing sporking again?! *takes deep breath* ...*nudges Albus Severus*
Albus Severus: *hands over spare Weasley-Potter Capslock of Rage*
Scorpius: WE DID DRACO SINISTER! WE SHOULD BE FREE! WE - Argh. *buries face in hands* *returns Capslock to Albus Severus*
Guardian's Song: Blame Lysander. He's charmingly insane.
*long, ominous silence*
Lysander: Thanks! :D
Others: ...
"I really thought he liked me," Emily mumbled, ignoring Caitlin's outburst, seeming to be in a trance. "How could he do something like that?"
Simple. We sporkers hired him to do an expose. Poor sap got more than we planned for, though...
"It easy when you're a low life creep," Caitlin responded.
Such as the author.
"The prat has evidently been setting you up since the first week of school your first appearance in the fic to satisfy his pedophilic fantasies."
"How can he hate me so? I've never been anything but nice to him."
Ask Kreacher.
Emily turned to Caitlin, tears now filling her eyes. "I liked him. I really liked him a lot."
Yes, we know. Sues like EVERYONE.
Caitlin put her arms around Emily and pulled her into a PURELY PLATONIC OMG ((c) Rose Potter) hug. "I know," said Caitlin understandingly.
"If you don't mind, I think I'll have a lie down," Emily said pulling herself away. "I haven't felt this awful since my parents were killed."
*HEADLAPTOP* ...Just '...'...
Emily made for her bed and then turned. "Caitlin, please don't tell Mum and Jamie what a fool I've been. I'm ashamed enough, without them knowing."
"You have my word," Caitlin said genuinely as she left their bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. She wondered how Emily expected to keep her Mum and Jamie from seeing the posters when they appeared in the school passageways.
Scorpius: And I'm supposed to believe Sues can't run ahead and undo basic Sticking Charms?
* * * * * *
Sunday, January 2, 2005 4:00 AM
Ginny felt like she was going crazy.
Why am I dating Draco Malfoy? she asked herself. And why is everyone naked?
If anyone saw her parading around the halls of the staff quarters at this time of the morning, in her slippers and nightdress, they would think likewise.
Insomnia = mental illness! The things I learn from this fic!
She'd woke up again this morning at about three and was unable to go back to sleep. At first she had paced her room, hoping to become drowsy. She'd even tried reading,
Don't strain yourself, Pod!Ginny!
but to no avail.
Glad to see you didn't. -_-;;
Whenever she tried to lie down, she felt like she couldn't breathe.
(Sporker 1) Damn it, she keeps getting up. Is this necessary?
(Sporker 2) We're putting her out of her misery. And besides, we need all the henchcreatures out of the way when we attack the main Sues - now shut up and keep smothering her, idiot!
She felt so alone and depressed. This wasn't the first time she had felt this way, and she was fearful it wouldn't be the last. Was she having what Muggles referred to as panic attacks? Did she even know what they were?
What's the matter with me? I'm only twenty-four, certainly not unattractive, but I can't seem to maintain a lasting relationship. I don't want to be alone the remainder of my life.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! BELLA SWAN 0.5!
Ginny grew up in a crowded house. She was used to noise and activity.
James: And also, incidentally, being married to my Dad, not snogging Malfoy the Elder and watching him spout romantic rubbish at Aunt Hermione.
Albus Severus: Oh... hi, James...
James: Well, who have we here? ...Al, did someone hit you with a Confundus? You feeling okay? Hey, let me check your eyes. Eh... Pupils same size, yeah...
Albus Severus: Uh... What are you -
James: Look, you may be in Slytherin, you may be weird, but you're not crazy enough to be voluntarily reading THIS fic, so what are you -
Guardian's Song: Spork-slaving, that's what he's doing! Bye, James! *kicks out*
She hated being by herself, but worse, she hated the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Last summer she had both Draco and Severus vying for her attention,
James: Malfoy the Elder and... Al?
James I: *from beyond the grave* Worse. MUCH worse.
and now she had only solitude. How she longed to have someone tell her that they cared for her.
Albus Severus: But what about Dad?!
James: Look, I know this fic, and -
Rose: You do? Isn't it classified as a Dark artifact?
Scorpius: Please, Rose. The Dark doesn't want anything to do with this.
James: Oh yeah, Malfoy? A dozen Dark wizards and witches have claimed credit for it!
Scorpius: And there's a reason why every single one who did so was tortured horribly or killed within the week.
Rose: You still haven't answered my question, you know.
James: I was told it had naked girls aplenty. Bastards neglected to mention they meant naked young girls.
Albus Severus: So that's why you got into that fight with the other Gryffindor boys?
James: They deserved it, damn it!
She'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to be tightly held in someone arms
*disembodied arms pop out of nowhere and start tightly holding people*
Albus Severus: WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?!
Lysander: Someone Arms! They breed in badfic. 8| *serious Lysander is serious*
Rose: So how do we fight them off?
Lysander: *serious Lysander is still serious* Well, a shipment of proper punctuation is coming from the Punctuation Orphanage...
*exceedingly confused* ...'ARMS!' does not have the same ring as 'EYEBALLS!'...
and be told that they love you.
She stopped in front of the Headmaster's quarters. Did I make the wrong choice? He loved me, and I cared for him. We could have been happy together. HAPPY TOGETHER~~~~~ HOW IS THE WEATHER~~~~ If only I could have gotten damn Draco out of my head.
Ginny: *far away* Malfoy, get out of my head.
Draco: Mrs. Potter, I WISH I could, but the arms compel me.
What is it about him? Why can't I let go?
Ginny: BECAUSE THE BLOODY ARMS ARE CLAMPING ME TO HIM!
Draco: And just when it couldn't get any worse, the arms compel Potter too.
H/D Shippers: REALLY?!
Draco: The FEMALE one.
Suethors: You mean Harry's OC twin sister, right?
Draco: WHY ME?!
Ron: *batting aside the Someone Arms with ease, because he is Ron Weasley* Because the universe got tired of piling on me?
James: *back at the main spork* *sighing* Why is it that she only picks on the young? Bet Mum and Dad and all the adults are having fun...
{snip, Katie Bell appears}
At first both women froze, speechless. Ginny gawked at
Katie, who was clothed only in a tiny, revealing, panty-less teddy.
Albus Severus: !!!
Rose: *gapes*
Scorpius: *frowns*
James: D8
Lysander: *oblivious*
Rose: ...
Albus Severus: I can't believe...
James: Bloody hell. Victorie is going to kill him.
Scorpius: I find it interesting it needs to be specified he was panty-less...
James: Malfoy, don't push me. DON'T PUSH ME!
Albus Severus: *traumatized*
Rose: ...Wait, this was written before Deathly Hallows. Could it be that isn't a typo?
James: I'll believe it as soon as we stop getting attacked by badfic-induced disembodied arms.
*The Punctuation Orphange airship FINALLY arrives and showers "'s"es from the sky, transforming the monstrous Someone Arms into, merely, a whole lot of Someone's Arms, now twitching on the ground*
Albus Severus: *now twitching standing up*
James: *an arm flops against his leg* ...Right, this isn't exactly what I meant.
Lysander: ...
James: I mean, we're still standing in on a field carpeted with flailing disembodied arms.
Lysander: -_-;; You said badfic-induced disembodied arms.
James: Is it so much to ask for some sanity?
Albus Severus: YOU WEREN'T PRESENT FOR DRACO SINISTER. *TWITCH* YES. YES, IT IS. THE WORLD IS AN UNFAIR AND CRUEL PLACE. SLYTHERIN HIRES WEREWOLVES TO EAT HIS JELLYBEANS. HIS GUARDS ARE BOUGHT OFF WITH STRIPTEASES. AND UNCLE RON IS WRONG EVEN WHEN HE'S RIGHT, WHICH IS ALL THE TIME.
James: ...All right, I admit, I haven't paid that much attention to Al... So will someone tell me WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?!
Rose: *bitterly* We were set upon by the spork captain, who made us spork part of a chapter of Draco Sinister... And when she couldn't get the end of the spork anywhere in sight, she got carried away trying to make the little Next-Gen sporkers keep doing it.
Scorpius: It destroyed him, what the characters did; he was never right in the head again. He couldn't use Earth Logic, but he couldn't get rid of it; it turned inward and drove him mad, it burst out of him in fits of CAPSLOCK when he couldn't control it, and at times, he was strange and -
Albus Severus: I AM NOT THAT DANGEROUS. I JUST HAPPEN TO BE STUCK IN *destroys rest of section in a rage* CAPSLOCK-MODE - HEY, WHERE'D ALL THE SMOKE AND DEBRIS COME FROM? o_o
{Katie Bell is a card-carrying member of Snapedom. And Ginny is a meanie for not loving Snape enough.
Really, the author must have seen the future - just mistaken the redhead in question for Ginny.}
Others: ...
Lysander: *applause*
Others: ...
[Alas, Albus Severus's mental health was too poor, and they had to return to Hogwarts, leaving behind only the omnipotent Spork Captain and a field of disembodied arms.
*forlornly* ...Eyeballs? *prods arm* ...No eyeballs...
...And Clonoran, of course.]
===
* * * * * *
{snip a certain Amanda coming to talk to Hermione...}
Amanda couldn't help but for a split second gaze at her professor. "You're beautiful Professor Granger.
Rose: If this turns into a sex scene, I'm running for the hills.
Jamie told me that you both had identical figures
Having your adopted daughter look exactly like you? SEXAY.
and you do." Amanda paused. "Well, you look like you would if you weren't pregnant. Actually, right now I guess we have that in common."
EVERYONE looks like Jamie? Heaven help us.
"Do you have any idea when the baby is due?" Hermione asked, getting the subject off her figure.
"I think either late May or early June," Amada answered. "Conception took place on September fourth."
"You're positive of the date?" Hermione asked. "Because that's when Harry and I conceived. We'll likely deliver within a few days of each other."
Albus Severus: *off in the Room of Requirement* What a MARVELOUS SURPRISE! NOT AT ALL CONTRIVED, NO! 8D
James: ...Does he recover?
Scorpius: Yes, when NOT exposed to badfic.
Guardian's Song: For the Greater Good. :)
...Wait, did she just say she and HARRY would deliver within a few days of each other?
"It was definitely the fourth," Amanda repeated sorrowfully. "It was the only time we ever had sex."
Albus Severus: 8D;; What an AMAZING COINCIDENCE...
{snip them going to the kitchen}
"Smile, Amanda," Hermione said as she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "I know you're not happy to be pregnant, but it's not the end of the world."
*is contracting diabetes*
"Maybe not if you have a wonderful job
Snape: *from beyond the grave* Being a Hogwarts Professor? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
and you're married to your true love,"
*BARF*
Amanda said, looking enviously at Hermione, "but if you're sixteen and about to be kicked out of school, it sure seems that way."
{snip another huge bit due to boredom. Amanda's parents are going to raise the kid for her.}
* * * * * *
Monday, January 3, 2005
Emily was able to spend most of the weekend in the faculty quarters
WHAT?!
What - what - SPOILED LITTLE BRAT! Good GRIEF!
and thus avoid Tyler, but with the recommencement of Kama Sutra classes on Monday, it was just a matter of time before their paths eventually crossed. After all, they were in the same house, the same bed, the same part of their family tree... had all their classes in demi-Sueishness together, and Tyler had no knowledge that he was a marked man. That's what he got for falling asleep during Jigglypuff's song, Jigglypuff thought as it capped its permanent marker/psuedo-microphone and flounced off,
Had Tyler known that Emily was aware of his deception, he probably would have given her a wide berth, but he didn't and, therefore, walked right up to her and Kim before the start of Potions class.
I am the QUEEN of run-on sentences, and that hurt ME.
"Hi," he said awkwardly. "I was looking for you all weekend. So that I could run in the opposite direction." He seemed to be stumbling for words. He was a Sue minion. Grammer v. Hrad 4 Su eminyuns. "We have to talk."
"You are the last person on earth that I want to talk to!" Emily practically screamed, drawing all attention to her as she proceeded to rant at "the last person on earth that she wanted to talk to", like the good little drama-whore she was.
Suddenly everyone in the class was staring in their direction. See? She turned and started to head for her seat, but Tyler reached out and grabbed her arm. He had instantly realized that somehow she was aware of his digression.
*MOANS* TRANSgression, moron! TRANSgresson! DIgression means he went off on a tangent! DX *SOBS for the English language*
Emily pulled away. "Keep your filthy hands off me," she roared,
Wild Emily used ROAR!
Tyler ran away in fear!
turning back toward him. "Don't you ever touch me again, you lying miserable shite! We have absolutely nothing to talk about, nor will we ever again. Which is why I continue to talk to you!" She once more turned away.
"Please, Emily, let me explain," Tyler begged. "It's not what it seems." He once more clutched her shoulder.
Kim could see it coming. Emily face
=BREAKING NEWS=
Hogwarts is being terrorized by a mysterious monster called "Emily face". As far as anyone can tell, it takes the form of a floating, disembodied face, constantly screwed up in a bratty rage, which chases students down hallways while shrieking "I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!". Currently, Edward Goyle, a first-year Gryffindor, holds the record for the number of times attacked by the monster - fifteen.
Lysander Lovegood, a student, has discovered it can be warded off with an "'s", and has been dispensing them to students; he says he has quite a few left over from a Punctuation Orphanage shipment."You'd be surprised how many people think you form a plural by tacking on one of these," he said, frowning, as he held up an "'s".
was crimson. The anger, rage OXFORD COMMA LOVES THE WORLD and hurt that had been building all weekend peeked at someone's underwear; even the emotions in this fic were perverts.. Emily turned, her eyes hurling daggers at Tyler. Tyler dodged with ease, as it turned out his grandmother had been adopted and was a Weasley by birth. Kim expected Emily to slap Tyler, but she didn't. Instead, she clenched her fist and socked him squarely in the face. Caught off guard, Tyler fell to his knees and brought his hands to his face, his nose broken and bleeding.
Hey, that's ABERFORTH'S finisher, wretch! ...How in the WORLD do these fics manage to plagiarize from the FUTURE?!
"What have we here?" Professor Malfoy asked as he slammed the dungeon door. "A lover's spat?"
She just BROKE HIS NOSE. Even DRACO wouldn't shrug THAT off.
"Definitely not lovers," Emily snarled. "Not in this lifetime."
Malfoy's lip curled into a sneer. "Perhaps neither of you bothered to take notice, but this is the Potions dungeon and not a boxing arena," he snapped.
:D Draco, you wonderful little ferret! You actually learned from Snape! HOORAY! MAKE 'EM PAY! 8D
"As much as it pains me to deduct points from my own house, you have each caused Slytherin the loss of ten points."
"But Professor," Emily started to plea.
"Silence!" Malfoy shouted. "You have already wasted enough of our valuable class time. Bancroft, go see Madam Pomfrey and have her realign your snout. Miss Zacherley, since you were obviously the aggressor, I feel two nights of detention is in order.
GO DRACO!
...Those words. My mouth. Something is profoundly wrong with the universe. O_<
Perhaps Mr. Filch can find a less combative use for your hands."
*RETCHES*
...Given that this is the fic it is, my mind is JUSTIFIED in automatically thinking of the worst possible scenario.
Before leaving the classroom, Tyler glanced back at Emily; she was purposely not looking in his direction, but he could see that her face was enraged. He had lost her.
Her breaking your nose didn't clue you in? Dude, I was actually ROOTING for you for a bit, but if you're THAT slow...
* * * * * * Tuesday, January 11, 2005
"Oh! My!" Hermione cried as she read the Daily Prophet headline.
"What is it?" Harry asked with unease.
"There's been another terrorist attack attributed to that so called Great One," she answered.
=BREAKING NEWS=
A terrorist "so" going by the name of Great One has taken up residence in Hogwarts... Developing... "It was at the Ministry of Magic. This time it seems they were actually hoping to kill Minister Wrong.
See, Minister Fudge is a subtle name. Minister Wrong? Good grief, why not just have her last name be Vilin-Hyr? ...Wait, that's slightly subtler. *facepalm*
The Minister had only just departed the scene of the bombing minutes before it was detonated.
It wasn't the scene of the bombing YET then...
Harry, the poor woman might have been murdered."
"In my book, terrorists are all cowards," Harry affirmed. "Declared war is dreadful enough, but to attack innocent civilians and children is appalling.
(Pod!Harry) Less potential nudists!
Emma warned us about this Great One last year. It seems her worst fears are becoming reality."
"Is there going to be another war Harry?" Hermione asked tentatively.
=BREAKI-
"Oh, Merlin, ENOUGH already," Ron Weasley snarled, and, with a stab of the Spork of Gryffindor, brought the War Harry down before it could even pause for breath between cackles.
There was dead silence.
"I was unaware there was a Spork of Gryffindor," Headmistress McGonagall said, raising an eyebrow.
"The records show that it was a business decision," Griphook said, absentmindedly shredding what had seemed to be a contract signing over all of Gringotts to Harrison Maleficus Ares Potter the Third. The Stus made for good entertainment when they tried to break into vaults that were "now rightfully theirs". "Rorark the Burrower was far ahead of his time. Sporks didn't sell. Swords did. One simple Transfiguration later, and suddenly, an incredibly valuable yet unmarketable object became a rather less valuable, yet very appealing object." He snorted. "Humans are imbeciles..."
"I'm not sure," Harry said. "This Great One doesn't seem to have a legion of followers like Voldemort did, but then, neither did he at first. But Voldemort did have an agenda that appealed to purebloods. He wanted to purify the wizard world of Muggle blood. The Great One seems to simply want to rule our world as a dictator, but other than that, has no program that would entice followers."
I can't believe this. Even the AUTHOR admits his villain is a fifth-rate hack. No appeal, no real plan, no followers... I honestly can't believe this. I... I mean... even PAOLINI pretends...
"At least this time we're not at the forefront of the battle," Hermione said, with small relief. "You're not part of some kill or be killed prophecy."
Harry smiled. "None of us is totally safe from this type of conflict, but it is good to know that you and your family are at no more peril than anyone else. Speaking of conflict, what time do you meet with Severus about Amanda?"
From assassination attempts and possible war to teen pregnancy plots without even a pause. *facepalm*
"Ten o'clock, but he doesn't know what the meeting is about," Hermione answered slyly. "I'll bring Nevile's grandmother's dress, you bring the camera and Sleeping Potion to slip into his drink."
Harry studied his wife's expression. "I thought I brought his outfits from Subjugation and YOU brought the camera and Sleeping Potion?" "I've seen that look before," he said with a laugh. "Poor Severus doesn't stand a chance."
D: RUN, SNAPE, RUN!
* * * * * *
"Hermione, please have a seat," Severus offered graciously
Snape: *from beyond the grave* Have you read a single PAGE where I am present, you imbecile?! EVEN A PARAGRAPH?!
as Hermione entered his office. "How are you feeling? The baby isn't giving you any problems?
"I'm fine, except for feeling slightly on the large side," she grinned. "Although at this stage the baby is only about the size of a pickle, I feel like I'm carrying a watermelon."
Please. No, don't tell me. You-Nude-Who has a pregnancy fetish. D8
"You still look lovely," Severus said truthfully. "Now what can I do for you?"
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about pregnancy," Hermione offered.
Snape pushed his seat away from the desk and stood up, his face icy. "We agreed we would not speak of those abominations unto the written word, Miss Granger. Do you recall that?"
"Would you prefer if I took a leave of absence until after the baby was born?
(Snape) Yes. Starting now. Get out of my office.
Severus looked thunderstruck at Hermione. "Only if you're feeling ill or you find your schedule too tiring," he responded, surprised by the question. "Knowing you, I rather expected that you would want to teach right up to your due date and give birth in class. I hear unconventional Caesarean deliveries and spewing fountains of blood are especially popular with today's Sue youth."
"That's my desire," Hermione answered, hesitantly, "but I was concerned that conceivably you or the Board might have a problem with me teaching once my circumstance was obvious. Then you don't think seeing me pregnant will have a harmful effect on the students?"
Severus gave Hermione an amazed look. "A woman being pregnant is a normal part of life;
Hark! The screams of wrath of the childfree!
there is most certainly nothing off-putting about it."
"I guess I'm just being silly," Hermione said. "I was concerned that one of the students might try to emulate me."
Severus laughed. "Hermione, you are an exceedingly popular professor, and I'm sure that many of your student no speak good English desire to follow in your footsteps. I doubt, however, that scores of young girls will suddenly have a desire to be pregnant simply because someone they admire is. Give your students more credit.
This is coming out of the mouth of SEVERUS SNAPE?!
They can see the countless negatives of teenage pregnancy."
HA!
"Then you would agree that seeing one of their peers pregnant would act as more of a deterrent than an incitement to students to have sex?" Hermione questioned.
Severus stared intently at Hermione. He'd read in a book that it made him look cooler. "We're no longer talking about you, are we?" He he asked.
"No," Hermione stated. "Amanda Pierce is pregnant; she's having a baby about the same time as me. She understands how important a good quality education is
"Good quality". Not "high-quality" but "good quality". Wow, WAY to flatter Hogwarts...
and wants to remain a student at Hogwarts. I promised her that I would fight for her before the Board of Governors."
Hermione looked hopefully at Severus. "Will you be standing with me or against me?"
Severus gave Hermione a wink. "I'll be by your side," he said receptively. "Being very "receptive" to your manly husband, ooh yes. I mean, as long as I'm flamingly OOC, why not?"
"Thank you," she said optimistically before turning to leave.
She had just about reached the door, when Severus said, "Would you have a moment to advise me concerning a personal quandary, an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a Scooby Snack, a GODDAMN HOLETM in my chest?"
* * * * * *
January brought with it raw, biting winds and exceedingly cold temperatures. Gryffindor played Ravenclaw a week after the start of term. Although the Ravenclaw chasers had positioned their team well in the lead, Jamie was able to catch the snitch, securing a win for Gryffindor.
Why am I not surprised?
Wait, the "snitch"? So, not the Golden Snitch, but a traitor? *sigh* Let me guess, Peterria Edgecombe-Pettigrew, true born-and-bred snitch. No, wait, that would be, while stupid, original. So not in this fic.
January faded imperceptibly into February with no change in the bitterly cold weather or Ravenclaw's luck. Hufflepuff managed to barely etch out a win the first Saturday in February giving Ravenclaw its second loss and virtually eliminating that house from cup competition.
Of course. Because Hufflepuff sucks, as does Ravenclaw. How could I have ever doubted?
Slytherin would be playing Ravenclaw in March and was favored to win, as was Gryffindor when it played Hufflepuff in April. Although all the teams tried to concentrate on their up coming match ups and not look to the future, everyone else was already speculating on the game of games, Slytherin versus Gryffindor in May. It was now being billed as the battle of the sisters.
Yep, ONLY GRYFFINDOR AND SLYTHERIN ARE IMPORTANT. OOH. AAH. OOK.
Come on, we at least had a token Ravenclaw in can- Wait, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are being SPARED this fic. ...What was I complaining about? 8D
Emily wasn't concerned about Quidditch, especially not a game three months in the future. She was having enough trouble concentrating on her studies knowing what Dick and Tyler had planned for her in approximately a week.
Sunday, February 6, 2005
"I realize you liked Tyler a lot, but don't you think its time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and did something about thwarting him and his brother from getting that film developed?," Kim asked as she, Caitlin OXFORD COMMA LOVES YOU ALL, GREAT AND SMALL and Emily studied in the Potter quarters.
{They take half a page to decide to steal the film.}
"But you can help," Kim said with conviction as she looked at Emily. "Didn't you say that Professor Potter had an invisibility cloak and that you were allowed to use it?"
Caitlin eyes
EYEBALLS! AT LAST! *GOBBLES*
practically burst from her head. JUICY! FULL OF FLAVOR! *is in bliss due to food once more after nearly starving* "I think I'm finally understanding why you were sorted into Slytherin," she said excitedly. "That is a cunning idea."
That everyone and their cow could think of. ...Or goat. I forgot the fandom.
"When do you think we should do it?" Kim asked anxiously.
"I say now," Emily declared. "Few people are ever in their dorms or common room on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
Albus Severus: How very convenient that they came up with it right now! And that Dad lets them take his most important possessions without any warning! Yes, indeed! A MARVELOUS COINCIDENCE! 8D *twitch*
I'll go get the cloak."
Caitlin and Kim both sat exchanging energized glances as they waited for Emily to return. They quickly electrocuted each other.
"Come in here!" Emily shouted from the study, which doubled as Jamie's bedroom.
There's an orgy joke here, and I just can't find it.
Caitlin and Kim entered to find Emily behind under the desk unrolling a ragged old bit of parchment with her tongue from around Harry's-.
D8 THE FIC MADE ME DO IT.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Emily said as she touched the parchment lightly with her wand.
"Is that the Marauder's Map you told me about?" Kim asked as she watched thin lines spread about the parchment until they formed a map.
Albus Severus: They know about all these things?! HOW?!
Scorpius: Al, stay away from the -
Albus Severus: I can't... I can't... please make me... D:
"Yes," Caitlin answered as she pointed to the Slytherin common room, which only contained three labeled dots, and then to the sixth-year boys' dorm, which contained none. "I doubt we could pick a better time."
Albus Severus: Fascinating bit of trivia: This fic was originally meant to be caklled Hogwarts By Chance Exposed: Everything Is Very Convenient. It was scrapped by the author on account of giving away the entirety of the plot.
"I agree," Emily said, as she again tapped the map and said, "Mischief managed."
Albus Severus: WHAT?! So if boys return between when they leave and when they arrive, they won't KNOW and so - I - but they already HAD IT OUT - I -
Scorpius: Don't look at the badfic, Al, don't look at the badfic, don't think about it -
Albus Severus: THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLYTHERINS! SLYTHERINS! *breaks down into hysterical giggling*
Rose: ...One of us needs to research ways to keep him from seeing badfic.
Lysander: You can be eyeless and still hear badfic...
Rose: But who would do that?
The parchment was once again blank. Emily placed the parchment back in the drawer and then returned her wand to its thigh sheaf.
Spellcheck is NOT your friend, Neil...
"Shall we do it then?" Emily said grabbing the invisibility cloak and heading for the door.
Huh, first lesbian threesome in HE! I'm surprised.
Kim laughed nervously, as she followed in Emily and Caitlin's tracks. "Haven't you guys forgotten something," she said anxiously. "Like question marks. Do you think we would be best served to try pick some up before attempitng to ask questions. We're nude. Don't you think it might be prudent to dress before we journey off into the castle."
Caitlin and Emily both looked at her dubiously. And thus the fic is summed up in a nutshell.
"Why!" Caitlin asked. "No one will see us under the cloak."
"Where's you sense of adventure?" Emily asked.
Kim muttered something about it being "Down with my homies, yo," quite enough adventure to slip into the boy's dorm, yet alone doing it nude, but neither Emily nor Caitlin seemed to hear her protests. They merely guided her under the cloak and departed the safe haven of the faculty quarters.
The girls made it down to the marble staircase and then to the main floor of the castle without any unpleasant incidents save for having to endure the never-ending sound of the author whacking off. They were just passing the huge, oak front door as it flew open allowing a cold wind to enter the castle. The wind caught them by surprise and practically blew the cloak out of their grasp. Fortunately they were able to hold on and cover themselves again before anyone caught sight of the naked trio.
How far thou hast fallen, Hogwarts! From Golden Trio to... well... Naked Trio. Doesn't get too much worse than that.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
The faster you guess which badfic this is, the faster you get a cookie...
Disclaimer: YOU COULD NOT MAKE ME CLAIM THIS FIC WAS MINE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
The next-Gen kids, who make a (relatively) short guest apperance, obviously, do not belong to me. JKR be praised for little canon kiddies, riiiight here for any fanficcers to take unfair advantage of them... *creepy laugh*
--
Chapter Nineteen
Nothing to Brag About
"I can't believe he'd do that to me," Emily sobbed, as Caitlin updated her with
- the newest Sue traits! Now, she was an angsty!betrayed!Sue, on top of everything else! It was only a matter of time before she began getting inheritances rolling in from Gringotts...
all that Randy and Matt had overheard. "Are they positive it was Tyler?
Caitlin looked incredulously at her 'sister' and shook her head with frustration. "No they're not positive," Caitlin said, her voice filling with
Lysander: Frosting? 8)
Guardian's Song: ...
irritation. "They didn't actually see his face. It could have been two other boys. I imagine you've posed for nude pictures with dozens of boys in this school that have a brother that wants to see you expelled and your life ruined."
Rose: Knowing context, I can imagine she has. *blinks* Wait, did she just say it could definitely have been two other boys?!
Scorpius: ...What are we doing sporking again?! *takes deep breath* ...*nudges Albus Severus*
Albus Severus: *hands over spare Weasley-Potter Capslock of Rage*
Scorpius: WE DID DRACO SINISTER! WE SHOULD BE FREE! WE - Argh. *buries face in hands* *returns Capslock to Albus Severus*
Guardian's Song: Blame Lysander. He's charmingly insane.
*long, ominous silence*
Lysander: Thanks! :D
Others: ...
"I really thought he liked me," Emily mumbled, ignoring Caitlin's outburst, seeming to be in a trance. "How could he do something like that?"
Simple. We sporkers hired him to do an expose. Poor sap got more than we planned for, though...
"It easy when you're a low life creep," Caitlin responded.
Such as the author.
"The prat has evidently been setting you up since the first week of school your first appearance in the fic to satisfy his pedophilic fantasies."
"How can he hate me so? I've never been anything but nice to him."
Ask Kreacher.
Emily turned to Caitlin, tears now filling her eyes. "I liked him. I really liked him a lot."
Yes, we know. Sues like EVERYONE.
Caitlin put her arms around Emily and pulled her into a PURELY PLATONIC OMG ((c) Rose Potter) hug. "I know," said Caitlin understandingly.
"If you don't mind, I think I'll have a lie down," Emily said pulling herself away. "I haven't felt this awful since my parents were killed."
*HEADLAPTOP* ...Just '...'...
Emily made for her bed and then turned. "Caitlin, please don't tell Mum and Jamie what a fool I've been. I'm ashamed enough, without them knowing."
"You have my word," Caitlin said genuinely as she left their bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. She wondered how Emily expected to keep her Mum and Jamie from seeing the posters when they appeared in the school passageways.
Scorpius: And I'm supposed to believe Sues can't run ahead and undo basic Sticking Charms?
* * * * * *
Sunday, January 2, 2005 4:00 AM
Ginny felt like she was going crazy.
Why am I dating Draco Malfoy? she asked herself. And why is everyone naked?
If anyone saw her parading around the halls of the staff quarters at this time of the morning, in her slippers and nightdress, they would think likewise.
Insomnia = mental illness! The things I learn from this fic!
She'd woke up again this morning at about three and was unable to go back to sleep. At first she had paced her room, hoping to become drowsy. She'd even tried reading,
Don't strain yourself, Pod!Ginny!
but to no avail.
Glad to see you didn't. -_-;;
Whenever she tried to lie down, she felt like she couldn't breathe.
(Sporker 1) Damn it, she keeps getting up. Is this necessary?
(Sporker 2) We're putting her out of her misery. And besides, we need all the henchcreatures out of the way when we attack the main Sues - now shut up and keep smothering her, idiot!
She felt so alone and depressed. This wasn't the first time she had felt this way, and she was fearful it wouldn't be the last. Was she having what Muggles referred to as panic attacks? Did she even know what they were?
What's the matter with me? I'm only twenty-four, certainly not unattractive, but I can't seem to maintain a lasting relationship. I don't want to be alone the remainder of my life.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! BELLA SWAN 0.5!
Ginny grew up in a crowded house. She was used to noise and activity.
James: And also, incidentally, being married to my Dad, not snogging Malfoy the Elder and watching him spout romantic rubbish at Aunt Hermione.
Albus Severus: Oh... hi, James...
James: Well, who have we here? ...Al, did someone hit you with a Confundus? You feeling okay? Hey, let me check your eyes. Eh... Pupils same size, yeah...
Albus Severus: Uh... What are you -
James: Look, you may be in Slytherin, you may be weird, but you're not crazy enough to be voluntarily reading THIS fic, so what are you -
Guardian's Song: Spork-slaving, that's what he's doing! Bye, James! *kicks out*
She hated being by herself, but worse, she hated the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Last summer she had both Draco and Severus vying for her attention,
James: Malfoy the Elder and... Al?
James I: *from beyond the grave* Worse. MUCH worse.
and now she had only solitude. How she longed to have someone tell her that they cared for her.
Albus Severus: But what about Dad?!
James: Look, I know this fic, and -
Rose: You do? Isn't it classified as a Dark artifact?
Scorpius: Please, Rose. The Dark doesn't want anything to do with this.
James: Oh yeah, Malfoy? A dozen Dark wizards and witches have claimed credit for it!
Scorpius: And there's a reason why every single one who did so was tortured horribly or killed within the week.
Rose: You still haven't answered my question, you know.
James: I was told it had naked girls aplenty. Bastards neglected to mention they meant naked young girls.
Albus Severus: So that's why you got into that fight with the other Gryffindor boys?
James: They deserved it, damn it!
She'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to be tightly held in someone arms
*disembodied arms pop out of nowhere and start tightly holding people*
Albus Severus: WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?!
Lysander: Someone Arms! They breed in badfic. 8| *serious Lysander is serious*
Rose: So how do we fight them off?
Lysander: *serious Lysander is still serious* Well, a shipment of proper punctuation is coming from the Punctuation Orphanage...
*exceedingly confused* ...'ARMS!' does not have the same ring as 'EYEBALLS!'...
and be told that they love you.
She stopped in front of the Headmaster's quarters. Did I make the wrong choice? He loved me, and I cared for him. We could have been happy together. HAPPY TOGETHER~~~~~ HOW IS THE WEATHER~~~~ If only I could have gotten damn Draco out of my head.
Ginny: *far away* Malfoy, get out of my head.
Draco: Mrs. Potter, I WISH I could, but the arms compel me.
What is it about him? Why can't I let go?
Ginny: BECAUSE THE BLOODY ARMS ARE CLAMPING ME TO HIM!
Draco: And just when it couldn't get any worse, the arms compel Potter too.
H/D Shippers: REALLY?!
Draco: The FEMALE one.
Suethors: You mean Harry's OC twin sister, right?
Draco: WHY ME?!
Ron: *batting aside the Someone Arms with ease, because he is Ron Weasley* Because the universe got tired of piling on me?
James: *back at the main spork* *sighing* Why is it that she only picks on the young? Bet Mum and Dad and all the adults are having fun...
{snip, Katie Bell appears}
At first both women froze, speechless. Ginny gawked at
Katie, who was clothed only in a tiny, revealing, panty-less teddy.
Albus Severus: !!!
Rose: *gapes*
Scorpius: *frowns*
James: D8
Lysander: *oblivious*
Rose: ...
Albus Severus: I can't believe...
James: Bloody hell. Victorie is going to kill him.
Scorpius: I find it interesting it needs to be specified he was panty-less...
James: Malfoy, don't push me. DON'T PUSH ME!
Albus Severus: *traumatized*
Rose: ...Wait, this was written before Deathly Hallows. Could it be that isn't a typo?
James: I'll believe it as soon as we stop getting attacked by badfic-induced disembodied arms.
*The Punctuation Orphange airship FINALLY arrives and showers "'s"es from the sky, transforming the monstrous Someone Arms into, merely, a whole lot of Someone's Arms, now twitching on the ground*
Albus Severus: *now twitching standing up*
James: *an arm flops against his leg* ...Right, this isn't exactly what I meant.
Lysander: ...
James: I mean, we're still standing in on a field carpeted with flailing disembodied arms.
Lysander: -_-;; You said badfic-induced disembodied arms.
James: Is it so much to ask for some sanity?
Albus Severus: YOU WEREN'T PRESENT FOR DRACO SINISTER. *TWITCH* YES. YES, IT IS. THE WORLD IS AN UNFAIR AND CRUEL PLACE. SLYTHERIN HIRES WEREWOLVES TO EAT HIS JELLYBEANS. HIS GUARDS ARE BOUGHT OFF WITH STRIPTEASES. AND UNCLE RON IS WRONG EVEN WHEN HE'S RIGHT, WHICH IS ALL THE TIME.
James: ...All right, I admit, I haven't paid that much attention to Al... So will someone tell me WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?!
Rose: *bitterly* We were set upon by the spork captain, who made us spork part of a chapter of Draco Sinister... And when she couldn't get the end of the spork anywhere in sight, she got carried away trying to make the little Next-Gen sporkers keep doing it.
Scorpius: It destroyed him, what the characters did; he was never right in the head again. He couldn't use Earth Logic, but he couldn't get rid of it; it turned inward and drove him mad, it burst out of him in fits of CAPSLOCK when he couldn't control it, and at times, he was strange and -
Albus Severus: I AM NOT THAT DANGEROUS. I JUST HAPPEN TO BE STUCK IN *destroys rest of section in a rage* CAPSLOCK-MODE - HEY, WHERE'D ALL THE SMOKE AND DEBRIS COME FROM? o_o
{Katie Bell is a card-carrying member of Snapedom. And Ginny is a meanie for not loving Snape enough.
Really, the author must have seen the future - just mistaken the redhead in question for Ginny.}
Others: ...
Lysander: *applause*
Others: ...
[Alas, Albus Severus's mental health was too poor, and they had to return to Hogwarts, leaving behind only the omnipotent Spork Captain and a field of disembodied arms.
*forlornly* ...Eyeballs? *prods arm* ...No eyeballs...
...And Clonoran, of course.]
===
* * * * * *
{snip a certain Amanda coming to talk to Hermione...}
Amanda couldn't help but for a split second gaze at her professor. "You're beautiful Professor Granger.
Rose: If this turns into a sex scene, I'm running for the hills.
Jamie told me that you both had identical figures
Having your adopted daughter look exactly like you? SEXAY.
and you do." Amanda paused. "Well, you look like you would if you weren't pregnant. Actually, right now I guess we have that in common."
EVERYONE looks like Jamie? Heaven help us.
"Do you have any idea when the baby is due?" Hermione asked, getting the subject off her figure.
"I think either late May or early June," Amada answered. "Conception took place on September fourth."
"You're positive of the date?" Hermione asked. "Because that's when Harry and I conceived. We'll likely deliver within a few days of each other."
Albus Severus: *off in the Room of Requirement* What a MARVELOUS SURPRISE! NOT AT ALL CONTRIVED, NO! 8D
James: ...Does he recover?
Scorpius: Yes, when NOT exposed to badfic.
Guardian's Song: For the Greater Good. :)
...Wait, did she just say she and HARRY would deliver within a few days of each other?
"It was definitely the fourth," Amanda repeated sorrowfully. "It was the only time we ever had sex."
Albus Severus: 8D;; What an AMAZING COINCIDENCE...
{snip them going to the kitchen}
"Smile, Amanda," Hermione said as she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "I know you're not happy to be pregnant, but it's not the end of the world."
*is contracting diabetes*
"Maybe not if you have a wonderful job
Snape: *from beyond the grave* Being a Hogwarts Professor? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
and you're married to your true love,"
*BARF*
Amanda said, looking enviously at Hermione, "but if you're sixteen and about to be kicked out of school, it sure seems that way."
{snip another huge bit due to boredom. Amanda's parents are going to raise the kid for her.}
* * * * * *
Monday, January 3, 2005
Emily was able to spend most of the weekend in the faculty quarters
WHAT?!
What - what - SPOILED LITTLE BRAT! Good GRIEF!
and thus avoid Tyler, but with the recommencement of Kama Sutra classes on Monday, it was just a matter of time before their paths eventually crossed. After all, they were in the same house, the same bed, the same part of their family tree... had all their classes in demi-Sueishness together, and Tyler had no knowledge that he was a marked man. That's what he got for falling asleep during Jigglypuff's song, Jigglypuff thought as it capped its permanent marker/psuedo-microphone and flounced off,
Had Tyler known that Emily was aware of his deception, he probably would have given her a wide berth, but he didn't and, therefore, walked right up to her and Kim before the start of Potions class.
I am the QUEEN of run-on sentences, and that hurt ME.
"Hi," he said awkwardly. "I was looking for you all weekend. So that I could run in the opposite direction." He seemed to be stumbling for words. He was a Sue minion. Grammer v. Hrad 4 Su eminyuns. "We have to talk."
"You are the last person on earth that I want to talk to!" Emily practically screamed, drawing all attention to her as she proceeded to rant at "the last person on earth that she wanted to talk to", like the good little drama-whore she was.
Suddenly everyone in the class was staring in their direction. See? She turned and started to head for her seat, but Tyler reached out and grabbed her arm. He had instantly realized that somehow she was aware of his digression.
*MOANS* TRANSgression, moron! TRANSgresson! DIgression means he went off on a tangent! DX *SOBS for the English language*
Emily pulled away. "Keep your filthy hands off me," she roared,
Wild Emily used ROAR!
Tyler ran away in fear!
turning back toward him. "Don't you ever touch me again, you lying miserable shite! We have absolutely nothing to talk about, nor will we ever again. Which is why I continue to talk to you!" She once more turned away.
"Please, Emily, let me explain," Tyler begged. "It's not what it seems." He once more clutched her shoulder.
Kim could see it coming. Emily face
=BREAKING NEWS=
Hogwarts is being terrorized by a mysterious monster called "Emily face". As far as anyone can tell, it takes the form of a floating, disembodied face, constantly screwed up in a bratty rage, which chases students down hallways while shrieking "I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!". Currently, Edward Goyle, a first-year Gryffindor, holds the record for the number of times attacked by the monster - fifteen.
Lysander Lovegood, a student, has discovered it can be warded off with an "'s", and has been dispensing them to students; he says he has quite a few left over from a Punctuation Orphanage shipment."You'd be surprised how many people think you form a plural by tacking on one of these," he said, frowning, as he held up an "'s".
was crimson. The anger, rage OXFORD COMMA LOVES THE WORLD and hurt that had been building all weekend peeked at someone's underwear; even the emotions in this fic were perverts.. Emily turned, her eyes hurling daggers at Tyler. Tyler dodged with ease, as it turned out his grandmother had been adopted and was a Weasley by birth. Kim expected Emily to slap Tyler, but she didn't. Instead, she clenched her fist and socked him squarely in the face. Caught off guard, Tyler fell to his knees and brought his hands to his face, his nose broken and bleeding.
Hey, that's ABERFORTH'S finisher, wretch! ...How in the WORLD do these fics manage to plagiarize from the FUTURE?!
"What have we here?" Professor Malfoy asked as he slammed the dungeon door. "A lover's spat?"
She just BROKE HIS NOSE. Even DRACO wouldn't shrug THAT off.
"Definitely not lovers," Emily snarled. "Not in this lifetime."
Malfoy's lip curled into a sneer. "Perhaps neither of you bothered to take notice, but this is the Potions dungeon and not a boxing arena," he snapped.
:D Draco, you wonderful little ferret! You actually learned from Snape! HOORAY! MAKE 'EM PAY! 8D
"As much as it pains me to deduct points from my own house, you have each caused Slytherin the loss of ten points."
"But Professor," Emily started to plea.
"Silence!" Malfoy shouted. "You have already wasted enough of our valuable class time. Bancroft, go see Madam Pomfrey and have her realign your snout. Miss Zacherley, since you were obviously the aggressor, I feel two nights of detention is in order.
GO DRACO!
...Those words. My mouth. Something is profoundly wrong with the universe. O_<
Perhaps Mr. Filch can find a less combative use for your hands."
*RETCHES*
...Given that this is the fic it is, my mind is JUSTIFIED in automatically thinking of the worst possible scenario.
Before leaving the classroom, Tyler glanced back at Emily; she was purposely not looking in his direction, but he could see that her face was enraged. He had lost her.
Her breaking your nose didn't clue you in? Dude, I was actually ROOTING for you for a bit, but if you're THAT slow...
* * * * * * Tuesday, January 11, 2005
"Oh! My!" Hermione cried as she read the Daily Prophet headline.
"What is it?" Harry asked with unease.
"There's been another terrorist attack attributed to that so called Great One," she answered.
=BREAKING NEWS=
A terrorist "so" going by the name of Great One has taken up residence in Hogwarts... Developing... "It was at the Ministry of Magic. This time it seems they were actually hoping to kill Minister Wrong.
See, Minister Fudge is a subtle name. Minister Wrong? Good grief, why not just have her last name be Vilin-Hyr? ...Wait, that's slightly subtler. *facepalm*
The Minister had only just departed the scene of the bombing minutes before it was detonated.
It wasn't the scene of the bombing YET then...
Harry, the poor woman might have been murdered."
"In my book, terrorists are all cowards," Harry affirmed. "Declared war is dreadful enough, but to attack innocent civilians and children is appalling.
(Pod!Harry) Less potential nudists!
Emma warned us about this Great One last year. It seems her worst fears are becoming reality."
"Is there going to be another war Harry?" Hermione asked tentatively.
=BREAKI-
"Oh, Merlin, ENOUGH already," Ron Weasley snarled, and, with a stab of the Spork of Gryffindor, brought the War Harry down before it could even pause for breath between cackles.
There was dead silence.
"I was unaware there was a Spork of Gryffindor," Headmistress McGonagall said, raising an eyebrow.
"The records show that it was a business decision," Griphook said, absentmindedly shredding what had seemed to be a contract signing over all of Gringotts to Harrison Maleficus Ares Potter the Third. The Stus made for good entertainment when they tried to break into vaults that were "now rightfully theirs". "Rorark the Burrower was far ahead of his time. Sporks didn't sell. Swords did. One simple Transfiguration later, and suddenly, an incredibly valuable yet unmarketable object became a rather less valuable, yet very appealing object." He snorted. "Humans are imbeciles..."
"I'm not sure," Harry said. "This Great One doesn't seem to have a legion of followers like Voldemort did, but then, neither did he at first. But Voldemort did have an agenda that appealed to purebloods. He wanted to purify the wizard world of Muggle blood. The Great One seems to simply want to rule our world as a dictator, but other than that, has no program that would entice followers."
I can't believe this. Even the AUTHOR admits his villain is a fifth-rate hack. No appeal, no real plan, no followers... I honestly can't believe this. I... I mean... even PAOLINI pretends...
"At least this time we're not at the forefront of the battle," Hermione said, with small relief. "You're not part of some kill or be killed prophecy."
Harry smiled. "None of us is totally safe from this type of conflict, but it is good to know that you and your family are at no more peril than anyone else. Speaking of conflict, what time do you meet with Severus about Amanda?"
From assassination attempts and possible war to teen pregnancy plots without even a pause. *facepalm*
"Ten o'clock, but he doesn't know what the meeting is about," Hermione answered slyly. "I'll bring Nevile's grandmother's dress, you bring the camera and Sleeping Potion to slip into his drink."
Harry studied his wife's expression. "I thought I brought his outfits from Subjugation and YOU brought the camera and Sleeping Potion?" "I've seen that look before," he said with a laugh. "Poor Severus doesn't stand a chance."
D: RUN, SNAPE, RUN!
* * * * * *
"Hermione, please have a seat," Severus offered graciously
Snape: *from beyond the grave* Have you read a single PAGE where I am present, you imbecile?! EVEN A PARAGRAPH?!
as Hermione entered his office. "How are you feeling? The baby isn't giving you any problems?
"I'm fine, except for feeling slightly on the large side," she grinned. "Although at this stage the baby is only about the size of a pickle, I feel like I'm carrying a watermelon."
Please. No, don't tell me. You-Nude-Who has a pregnancy fetish. D8
"You still look lovely," Severus said truthfully. "Now what can I do for you?"
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about pregnancy," Hermione offered.
Snape pushed his seat away from the desk and stood up, his face icy. "We agreed we would not speak of those abominations unto the written word, Miss Granger. Do you recall that?"
"Would you prefer if I took a leave of absence until after the baby was born?
(Snape) Yes. Starting now. Get out of my office.
Severus looked thunderstruck at Hermione. "Only if you're feeling ill or you find your schedule too tiring," he responded, surprised by the question. "Knowing you, I rather expected that you would want to teach right up to your due date and give birth in class. I hear unconventional Caesarean deliveries and spewing fountains of blood are especially popular with today's Sue youth."
"That's my desire," Hermione answered, hesitantly, "but I was concerned that conceivably you or the Board might have a problem with me teaching once my circumstance was obvious. Then you don't think seeing me pregnant will have a harmful effect on the students?"
Severus gave Hermione an amazed look. "A woman being pregnant is a normal part of life;
Hark! The screams of wrath of the childfree!
there is most certainly nothing off-putting about it."
"I guess I'm just being silly," Hermione said. "I was concerned that one of the students might try to emulate me."
Severus laughed. "Hermione, you are an exceedingly popular professor, and I'm sure that many of your student no speak good English desire to follow in your footsteps. I doubt, however, that scores of young girls will suddenly have a desire to be pregnant simply because someone they admire is. Give your students more credit.
This is coming out of the mouth of SEVERUS SNAPE?!
They can see the countless negatives of teenage pregnancy."
HA!
"Then you would agree that seeing one of their peers pregnant would act as more of a deterrent than an incitement to students to have sex?" Hermione questioned.
Severus stared intently at Hermione. He'd read in a book that it made him look cooler. "We're no longer talking about you, are we?" He he asked.
"No," Hermione stated. "Amanda Pierce is pregnant; she's having a baby about the same time as me. She understands how important a good quality education is
"Good quality". Not "high-quality" but "good quality". Wow, WAY to flatter Hogwarts...
and wants to remain a student at Hogwarts. I promised her that I would fight for her before the Board of Governors."
Hermione looked hopefully at Severus. "Will you be standing with me or against me?"
Severus gave Hermione a wink. "I'll be by your side," he said receptively. "Being very "receptive" to your manly husband, ooh yes. I mean, as long as I'm flamingly OOC, why not?"
"Thank you," she said optimistically before turning to leave.
She had just about reached the door, when Severus said, "Would you have a moment to advise me concerning a personal quandary, an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a Scooby Snack, a GODDAMN HOLETM in my chest?"
* * * * * *
January brought with it raw, biting winds and exceedingly cold temperatures. Gryffindor played Ravenclaw a week after the start of term. Although the Ravenclaw chasers had positioned their team well in the lead, Jamie was able to catch the snitch, securing a win for Gryffindor.
Why am I not surprised?
Wait, the "snitch"? So, not the Golden Snitch, but a traitor? *sigh* Let me guess, Peterria Edgecombe-Pettigrew, true born-and-bred snitch. No, wait, that would be, while stupid, original. So not in this fic.
January faded imperceptibly into February with no change in the bitterly cold weather or Ravenclaw's luck. Hufflepuff managed to barely etch out a win the first Saturday in February giving Ravenclaw its second loss and virtually eliminating that house from cup competition.
Of course. Because Hufflepuff sucks, as does Ravenclaw. How could I have ever doubted?
Slytherin would be playing Ravenclaw in March and was favored to win, as was Gryffindor when it played Hufflepuff in April. Although all the teams tried to concentrate on their up coming match ups and not look to the future, everyone else was already speculating on the game of games, Slytherin versus Gryffindor in May. It was now being billed as the battle of the sisters.
Yep, ONLY GRYFFINDOR AND SLYTHERIN ARE IMPORTANT. OOH. AAH. OOK.
Come on, we at least had a token Ravenclaw in can- Wait, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are being SPARED this fic. ...What was I complaining about? 8D
Emily wasn't concerned about Quidditch, especially not a game three months in the future. She was having enough trouble concentrating on her studies knowing what Dick and Tyler had planned for her in approximately a week.
Sunday, February 6, 2005
"I realize you liked Tyler a lot, but don't you think its time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and did something about thwarting him and his brother from getting that film developed?," Kim asked as she, Caitlin OXFORD COMMA LOVES YOU ALL, GREAT AND SMALL and Emily studied in the Potter quarters.
{They take half a page to decide to steal the film.}
"But you can help," Kim said with conviction as she looked at Emily. "Didn't you say that Professor Potter had an invisibility cloak and that you were allowed to use it?"
Caitlin eyes
EYEBALLS! AT LAST! *GOBBLES*
practically burst from her head. JUICY! FULL OF FLAVOR! *is in bliss due to food once more after nearly starving* "I think I'm finally understanding why you were sorted into Slytherin," she said excitedly. "That is a cunning idea."
That everyone and their cow could think of. ...Or goat. I forgot the fandom.
"When do you think we should do it?" Kim asked anxiously.
"I say now," Emily declared. "Few people are ever in their dorms or common room on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
Albus Severus: How very convenient that they came up with it right now! And that Dad lets them take his most important possessions without any warning! Yes, indeed! A MARVELOUS COINCIDENCE! 8D *twitch*
I'll go get the cloak."
Caitlin and Kim both sat exchanging energized glances as they waited for Emily to return. They quickly electrocuted each other.
"Come in here!" Emily shouted from the study, which doubled as Jamie's bedroom.
There's an orgy joke here, and I just can't find it.
Caitlin and Kim entered to find Emily behind under the desk unrolling a ragged old bit of parchment with her tongue from around Harry's-.
D8 THE FIC MADE ME DO IT.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Emily said as she touched the parchment lightly with her wand.
"Is that the Marauder's Map you told me about?" Kim asked as she watched thin lines spread about the parchment until they formed a map.
Albus Severus: They know about all these things?! HOW?!
Scorpius: Al, stay away from the -
Albus Severus: I can't... I can't... please make me... D:
"Yes," Caitlin answered as she pointed to the Slytherin common room, which only contained three labeled dots, and then to the sixth-year boys' dorm, which contained none. "I doubt we could pick a better time."
Albus Severus: Fascinating bit of trivia: This fic was originally meant to be caklled Hogwarts By Chance Exposed: Everything Is Very Convenient. It was scrapped by the author on account of giving away the entirety of the plot.
"I agree," Emily said, as she again tapped the map and said, "Mischief managed."
Albus Severus: WHAT?! So if boys return between when they leave and when they arrive, they won't KNOW and so - I - but they already HAD IT OUT - I -
Scorpius: Don't look at the badfic, Al, don't look at the badfic, don't think about it -
Albus Severus: THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLYTHERINS! SLYTHERINS! *breaks down into hysterical giggling*
Rose: ...One of us needs to research ways to keep him from seeing badfic.
Lysander: You can be eyeless and still hear badfic...
Rose: But who would do that?
The parchment was once again blank. Emily placed the parchment back in the drawer and then returned her wand to its thigh sheaf.
Spellcheck is NOT your friend, Neil...
"Shall we do it then?" Emily said grabbing the invisibility cloak and heading for the door.
Huh, first lesbian threesome in HE! I'm surprised.
Kim laughed nervously, as she followed in Emily and Caitlin's tracks. "Haven't you guys forgotten something," she said anxiously. "Like question marks. Do you think we would be best served to try pick some up before attempitng to ask questions. We're nude. Don't you think it might be prudent to dress before we journey off into the castle."
Caitlin and Emily both looked at her dubiously. And thus the fic is summed up in a nutshell.
"Why!" Caitlin asked. "No one will see us under the cloak."
"Where's you sense of adventure?" Emily asked.
Kim muttered something about it being "Down with my homies, yo," quite enough adventure to slip into the boy's dorm, yet alone doing it nude, but neither Emily nor Caitlin seemed to hear her protests. They merely guided her under the cloak and departed the safe haven of the faculty quarters.
The girls made it down to the marble staircase and then to the main floor of the castle without any unpleasant incidents save for having to endure the never-ending sound of the author whacking off. They were just passing the huge, oak front door as it flew open allowing a cold wind to enter the castle. The wind caught them by surprise and practically blew the cloak out of their grasp. Fortunately they were able to hold on and cover themselves again before anyone caught sight of the naked trio.
How far thou hast fallen, Hogwarts! From Golden Trio to... well... Naked Trio. Doesn't get too much worse than that.
(TO BE CONTINUED)