In another universe, I might write reams of mediocre fic to be applauded for my sheer persistence.
Instead, I merely SPORK reams of mediocre fic.
* * * * * *
"Caitlin, you pick a passage this time," Emily said. "Try to make it one that is still serviceable." The Orc King had taken up the mouth, his best Warg the posterior, and a random plot device the Doomcrotch. That left the nostrils.
Ariana: o_o Where'd that text come from?
Guardian's Song: Nowhere. Carry on.
{mini-snip}
"Let's try this one," Caitlin suggested. "It's only down one floor, and I think I recognize the statue. I believe it's the one of that hump-backed, one-eyed witch."
"Why are witches always depicted as old and ugly while wizards are made out to all be handsome and dashing?"
Gellert: Because ve are? *leers at Albus*
Albus: *leers at Gellert*
Aberforth: *violent dry heaving*
Kim inquired, angrily. *comma survivor of massacre airlifted to makeshift Punctuation Hospital*
"Its chauvinistic."
Ariana: Its what is chauvinistic? Why are there so many words missing?
{Ariana: They talk a lot and take a lot of words to walk downstairs.}
Kim slid a significant way down what felt like a stone chute, then landed face first on top of Emily and Caitlin.
"Kim, will you please get your nose out of my butt
Literal brownnosing. My word.
Ariana: More text coming from nowhere... O_O
so I can get up," Emily shouted good-naturedly. "This ground is cold and damp and I can't see a damn thing."
{mini-snip}
Unlike the previous passage that, until they reached the cave-in, had been fairly straight, this passage
- was as flaming as Albus Dumbledore -
Ariana: ...THE MYSTERIOUS TEXT IS GOING TO GET ME. D8
twisted and turned making them feel as if they were constantly changing directions. Emily set a fast pace, knowing that their chances of reaching Hogsmeade before Crow and Bancroft were slim.
The dirt floor was uneven and occasionally one of the girls stumbled, but they continued to move rapidly, only stopping once when Kim tripped on what appeared to be a concealed locked trap door. They didn't take time to investigate because they were already fighting time.
FORESHADOWING TIEMZ!
Ariana: ABBYYYYYYYY! SAVE ME FROM THE WORDS! *BAWLS*
Aberforth: What?!
Finally after what seemed like ages, the passage began to rise. By now the girls were all out of breath and winded because of the brisk pace Emily had set. They traveled another ten minutes, the ground still rising and then finally the passage ended at the foot of some worn stone steps that rose out of sight above them.
Once again they exchanged nervous glances but, without comment, began to climb. Soon they had climbed over one hundred steps and could see neither what was in front of them nor what was behind. They continued on, ever so carefully. To fall would mean certain death, another one hundred steps and still no end. Then Emily winced in pain, her head hitting something extremely hard.
Ariana: And - and these words come out of nowhere, and they're after me, and -
"Extremely hard", eh? Not terribly surprised. Probably the underside of Neil's desk.
Ariana: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH THERE'S SOME NOW! *CLINGS* Abby, they're going to GET me -
Aberforth: The words aren't going to attack you, Ariana, the words aren't going to attack you, words can't hurt you -
Albus Severus: *eerie giggle from the future* Thaaaaaat's what yooo~~~~oooou thinkkkkkkkk...
Aberforth: ...Whoever you are, you're not helping.
{One snipped paragraph and half an hour of counseling Ariana later}
"Where are we," Kim asked, "and what is that luscious smell?"
Ariana: Um... Jamie's naked form?
Aberforth: What?
"Chocolate," Emily and Caitlin seemed to respond simultaneously.
"We must be in the basement of Honeydukes!" Caitlin exclaimed.
Emily removed the Invisibility Cloak from her bag, and the girls gathered together under it before slowly creeping toward the wooden staircase that lead upstairs.
"We have to stay close together and under the cloak at all times," Emily warned as they reached the top of the stairs. Emily opened the door a tad, peeped out and then as one;
Ariana: ...And then as one what?
the girls crept through the door and then out from behind the Honeydukes counter.
Fortunately it was still rather early. Although Honeydukes was busy, it was not so packed that they couldn't make their way out of the store without bumping into anyone.
* * * * * *
I can do this Jamie
Ariana: Who can do this Jamie?
kept telling herself as she struggled desperately not to gag.
Ariana: See, that's why Alby actually has a point when he says not to eat book covers... The book pages are edible, though. When I'm being a goat, that is.
She swallowed hard, fighting off the urge to heave
Ariana: Spit it out! I got sick once from eating a book. ): ...And Alby got furious...
and then finally regained her composure. With her eyes still watering, she sucked gently
Ariana: ...Err, what are you doing? Eating a Lemon Drop? I like Lemon Drops. 8\
as she backed off, swallowed again and then kissed the tip.
Ariana: The... what? Wait, what's going on here? I'm confused. )8
Uh, never mind, Arian-
Ariana: ABBY, THE WORDS ARE BACK AGAIN! D: D: D:
She kept kissing and licking until his arousal completely subsided.
Ariana: So... he fell asleep?
Only then did she look up at Alex's face. He appeared to be in seventh heaven.
Ariana: Um... er... well... he's not dead, right, he only appears that way? Pull his hair. That tends to wake them up fast. :D
It wasn't her most pleasant experience, but then it was the first time; she could get accustomed to it, possibly even enjoy it in time.
Ariana: No... Eating books doesn't get any more fun. Really.
That look of total ecstasy on his face made it all worthwhile.
Ariana: O_o He... likes to see you eating books while he sleeps like the dead?
Anyway, I'd just like to -
Ariana: *twitchtwitchTWITCH BOOM*
Guardian's Song: ...Take over the sporking again, apparently. >_<
Ahem. What I MEANT to say was 'Eesn't it awfully EENTERSTING that we only get to see the end of the MALE blowjob scene?'. ...I mean, this is Neil, but good gad, I thought he was coy! This is explicit rubbish!
She desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him,
After SHE gave HIM a blowjob? Uh... I think Neil's a wee bit muddled.
but hesitated. Would he want to kiss her immediately after she had done that? It didn't bother her in the least to kiss him after he had pleasured her, but that was different.
Because... I have no hell idea why. He'd have vagina juices ALL OVER his face, and you'd only have spunk down your throat. Wipe your lips and don't French-kiss, and you'll be fine.
Less seriously, I think it's because Neil is a heterosexual male, therefore has no problems with female bits, but goes SQUICKSQUICKSQUICK over male bits. (The bizarreness of NEIL going SQUICSQUICKSQUICK aside...)
"Jamie, I doubt I could possibly love you any more than I already do," Alex said as he stood and gently helped her to her feet. He embraced her, loving the feel of his arms and hands on her bare skin.
All RIGHT, man, this is a post-blowjob scene. There's no need to make it a wholesome fluff scene. (Sorry, don't mean to be cynical, but this's like a Harlequin Novel, only worse. D:)
He pulled her into a tight squeeze and then sought out her mouth. At first he gently kissed her lips, but the kissing became more and more insatiable as their tongues searched out each other.
...And what do you know, they tongue-kiss. >_< Neil must be awfully used to tasting his own... YES, I AM making this worse. )X
Two days until they joined. It seemed like forever. Especially if Neil was writing it. Could they wait? Did they even want to consider waiting? His hands caressed her smooth back, finally coming to rest on her perfectly shaped bum. He held her cheeks tightly in his hands. She was perfect; she was a goddess; a goddess that loved him.
Tooth-rotting, sex-obsessed sap does not go with blowjobs. Really. (Couldn't they be a bit worn-out afterwards? Or at least have some effect from the oral sex?)
You know, some Harmoanian males are really fixated on pure, sentimental feelings. It's like... the other end of the scale from stereotypical shallow caveman. ...Too much on the wrong end of the scale. Everyone acts like two-dimensional robots.
...Most of the time, they're just preachy and kind of overdoing it, but better than the other crazy fans (and, in some cases, even kind of funny and nice in their way 99% of the time - see 'brad' from FA Park). Neil is pretty much the Demon-King of "the rest of the time". D:
"Ten minutes," the voice announced. "We will be arriving at King's Cross station in ten minutes."
"I better get dressed," Jamie said reluctantly as she endeavored to break Alex's hug. "As much as you get pleasure from me being like this, I doubt if London and Diagon Alley would approve."
But Neil approves - and that's the important part, right? -_-;;
Alex didn't want to let her free, he wanted to hold her like this forever; never chance losing her or the sensation he had at this moment.
...Severus Snape approves.
Snape: *from beyond the grave* WHAT?! I am hardly THIS sickening!
...Oops, sir, I meant Charlie Swan. Or Edward Cullen.
Snape: MUCH. BETTER.
By the way, in you/Hermione fandom, you're often compared to Edward...
Snape: [UNPRINTABLE]
"I adore you, Jamie Lily Zacherley."
LILY?! LILY?! Aw, HELL NO! Leave Lily Evans ALONE, you bastard! Her name does not deserve to be defiled like this! DRACO'S name would not deserve to be defiled like this! DX And we ALL know - hell, CASSANDRA CLAIRE'S name would not deserve to be defiled like this! And I hate her like Das Mervin hates MEYER!
* * * * * *
Completely hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak, Emily, Caitlin and Kim emerged into the sunlight outside Honeydukes.
"It's a beautiful sunny day," Caitlin announced. "I wish we had left our clothes back at the castle. We could have gotten an early start on an all over tan.
The joys of skin cancer! :D
I understand Invisibility Cloaks only have a SPF level of 1."
Kim looked at Caitlin skeptically. "You can't be serious? It was only forty degrees in that passage. We would have frozen to death."
YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!
(Besides, they're under the Cloak. They could strip and CARRY their clothes... idiots.)
"Will you two please keep you minds on business, bitches?" Emily scolded. "We have to walk dem streets or we goin' get it. Harry one tough pimp, you know.
(Horribly bad accent brought to you by 1990s Superman comics during my developmental years)
find Bancroft; I have to see his face when he gets those pictures back."
They wondered through town toward the road that led to Hogwarts, hoping to run into the Slytherin bullies, but with no luck. Finally after about a half hour of searching, they gave up and started walking through town pointing out the various sights to Kim, who had never visited Hogsmeade. They climbed a slope to see the Shrieking Shack, the most haunted dwelling in Britain;
Elbe: *in pain*
then they visited Zonko's.
They were just approaching the post office to show Kim the hundreds of owls from Great Grays down to tiny little Scops owls, when Emily pulled them to an abrupt halt. There, exiting the post office was Dick Bancroft and his faithful subordinate, Dennis Crow.
Such SYMBOLIK names. If you're a frat boy.
{snip}
"Perfect timing," Bancroft said, beaming. "I'm supposed to meet Mr. Lyler in front of the camera shop at eleven o'clock. I can't believe that people will actually pay money for pictures of a naked young girl.
But Neil! I thought this was your realistic Self-Insert! This is totally OOC!
She doesn't even have anything worth looking at."
"Your brother seemed quite enthralled by her," Crow laughed. "I bet he can't wait to see the pictures."
"Actually, the little jerk told me to shove the pictures up my arse," Dick admitted. "The boy has no respect for his elders. He thinks that I'm a bastard for what I'm doing. Can you believe it? He was actually fond of that little tart? Lucky that I was able to blackmail him into taking those pictures or he'd probably still be licking her proper little arse."
Look, if your brother can be blackmailed into taking pictures of a friend for child porn, he's STILL NOT A GOOD GUY. Your morals are FUCKED UP, Neil. Just like your sex drive, actually. D|
(Plus - only in this fic would you worry for a moment that "licking her proper little arse" was one of the author's fetishes and not just Bad Guy Coarseness. And I'm still not sure. O_o)
Kim and Caitlin exchanged glances and then looked at Emily who seemed impervious to this revelation.
I suspect that all the commas disappearing in this fic actually were mutated into colons due to the sheer level of BADFIC, then descended in a swarm onto Deathly Hallows. It would explain so many things.
Dennis and Dick turned down the side street next to the post office with the girls trying to stay within hearing range without being detected.
"I've never been down this street before," Caitlin whispered.
"And I won't be upset if I never step foot on it again," Kim said as they passed a shop with what appeared to be real shrunken heads hanging in the filthy window.
"I guess all villages and shopping areas have their dark sides," Emily said, maintaining a safe distance from Bancroft. "I imagine this area is to Hogsmeade as Knockturn Alley is to Diagon Alley."
Aberforth: Aw, hell, now the badfic's even stealing the purpose of The Hog's Head?!
"A good place to avoid," Kim declared, as they suddenly came to a stop in front of a shop displaying the name 'XXX Pictographic'.
Dick had gone up to greet a short, thin, balding man who was waiting next to the steps of the shop.
"Good morning, Mr. Lyler.
I wonder if that's the name of Neil's IRL porn dealer?
Its
Elbe: *twitching and bandaging apostrophe as the ICU of the Punctuation Hospital fills to overflowing*
extremely nice to see you again," Dick said in his most flattering fashion. "I hope you haven't been waiting long."
"I just now Apparated," Lyler said curtly. "I hope these pictures you have are worth my time and effort."
"I'm sure you be pleased," Dick said. "Please, wait here, and I'll run inside and get them.
Richard: OW! *rubs head where random falling quotation mark hit it*
I'd like you all to remember - THREE BETAS. THREE BETAS.
"This is going to be great," Caitlin whispered, hugging both Emily and Kim.
It was only a few minutes before Bancroft reappeared. He had a long cardboard tube under his arm and was holding an envelope.
"I haven't had a chance to look at these yet," he said tensely, "but I'm sure they'll meet your high standards. I had the shop make up two sets so that Crow and I could keep a set. You can have the other, and I imagine you'll want the negatives as well."
Lyler took the envelope that Bancroft handed him and started perusing the contents in a very business like manner, dividing the pictures as he went.
"These aren't exactly what you led me to expect," he said, looking at Bancroft with a strange expression on his face. "However, I believe I have a buyer who will be interested. Just out of curiosity, why do you want to keep a set?"
Bancroft and Crow looked at each other in a guilty manner, but it was Crow that finally answered. "Guys our ages, you know, get urges and don't always have a cohort to help us satisfy them."
"Yeah," Dick added. "Sometimes you have to literally take matters in your own hands, you know - wank off. We kind of hope these picture will help us."
Frank Lyler just nodded his head, rather taken back and at a loss for words. "And what's in the tube," he inquired.
"That's the best part," Dick said enthusiastically. "We had the pictures blown up to poster size so that we can hang them all over the castle for everyone to see. It's going to be great."
"Yes, yes. I'm sure it will be interesting," Frank said, now shaking rather than nodding his head. "Its not my position to judge others. Here is the agreed upon fee and your set of pictures." He handed Bancroft a small sack of coins and one set of pictures. "Should you take more pictures, please contact me." Then without a warning or even a good-bye, he Apparated.
Credit where credit is due. Since the readers know those were switched-in naked pictures of Dick and Dennis the Extremely-Poorly-Endowed, that was pretty damn funny.
I wonder where Neil stole it from.
And it's a LOT less funny when you remember Dick and Dennis were acting this way about what they THOUGHT were pictures of a naked eleven-year-old girl. In one case, with her nether regions completely exposed. (She did naked splits while standing on her head. ...Yes. DDDDD8 I feel like the FBI might go after me just for sporking this. D:)
Had Emily, Caitlin and Kim not been trying to hide;
Elbe: They would have been doing even MORE horrible things to punctuation? *hugs quivering semicolon*
they would have in all probability been rolling in the snow with laughter. As it was, they were all trying desperately to suppress their laughter. They had even backed a little further away, and were now leaning against the building trying to maintain control.
"He was acting rather strange," Crow said, looking at Dick questioningly.
"Yeah!" Dick agreed. "I think being weird is a requirement to be in his line of work."
"Let's have a look at the pictures," Dennis said impatiently. "I want to see what your brother fancied so much."
It only took one picture for enthusiasm to turn to shock, then anger and finally rage.
"That little prick," Bancroft shouted, forgetting he was on a public street. "I'm going to hang him from the common room ceiling by his balls.
Funny, Neil, that's what a lot of survivors of these sporkings would like to do to YOU.
He hoaxed me! The little bastard never took pictures of the slut."
"Wait." Crow disputed. "We've really been had, but this is way beyond your little brother's talent. Whoever took these pictures must have gotten into Slytherin Dungeon with an Invisibility Cloak. How else could they have gotten these pictures?"
Dick tried to repress his angry inch and think intelligently. "Zacherley, fucking Jamie Zacherley. She did this! It all makes sense. Somehow Emily realized she had been duped by my brother
Although how a girl stupid enough to let someone take nude photos of her could do anything, I don't know...
and went to her sister for help. Jamie was there the day that damn Ravenclaw said I smelled. She must have followed us back to our dorm, switched film and then took these pictures of us in the shower."
Crow thought about this momentarily and then panicked. "You mean Jamie Zacherley was watching us take a shower? She was there in the same room while we were naked?
...He's panicking at the thought of a girl ogling him? Okay, so... he's gay or... he doesn't like the thought of a (near-)adult female ogling him...
*turns green and tries not to vomit*
She couldn't have been," Dennis declared. "Invisibility cloaks are hard to come by and extremely expensive. Her dead-beat parents could have never afforded to buy one."
Caitlin and Kim had to then restrain Emily. She was attempting to discard the cloak and charge at Crow in a fit of anger. Fortunately, no one else was in the vicinity and Bancroft and Crow had their back to the group of girls.
"No, her parents could have never afforded an Invisibility Cloak," Bancroft spouted murderously, "but I bet either Potter or his mudblood bitch own one. I wish a plague would curse that entire damn family."
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
He can't even keep his curses straight! O_o ...I guess his brain's as small as his prick.
"What are we going to do with the posters and pictures?" Crow asked.
"Burn them, of course," Bancroft cursed. "It's the Zacherley girls we want to humiliate, not ourselves."
Dennis hesitated momentarily and then asked something, although we'll never know what. "What about the negatives that Frank Lyler has?
Dick face
An accurate description of yourself, Neil. I must say, it's rare for an author to become so honest.
became wan. He'd never get Lyler to return those pictures. "Damn! That's why that clerk in the store tried to touch my hand when he gave me my change," Bancroft cried. "He even asked me out for coffee. Everyone who sees those picture will think you and I are poofs!"
So... did the clerk have a fetish for small pricks? O_o Can Neil remember these details?
Or does he think all gay men are effeminate (slightly implied in that above paragraph, methinks) horndogs that will hit ANYTHING?
Yeah, sappy, hairless-little-girls-obsessed (with a side dash of pregnancy-fetish-possessing and token complimenting of 'perfectly-figured' women) asshole, you're REALLY one to talk.
Crow seemingly had ignored Bancroft's outburst. "Can I please see my posters before you burn them?" he asked pleadingly.
Oh, hell. Crow's gay, isn't he.
Oh, hell.
Well, isn't that just... isn't that... special...
I mean, my gad, he's even homophobic on top of it all... Wow. If he hadn't written so much and wasn't so obviously getting off on it, I'd say he was a troll... It's like he's filling out a CHECKLIST of "Signs The Author Is A Moron/Dsgusting Creep/Out-and-Out Asshole"!
"Come on," Caitlin urged. "Let's get out of here and show Kim the nicer parts of Hogsmeade. We've had our revenge."
Emily smiled and agreed, but she hadn't found reprisal nearly as gratifying as she thought she would. The hurt and emptiness that she had felt since learning that Tyler deceived her still remained. It would be a long time, maybe never, before those feelings subsided.
ELEVEN.
Good GRIEF. This is making the end of The Amber Spyglass seem non-melodramatic. ('We may die and vanish into oblivion... but our ATOMS will be together!1!!!1111!!!' Seriously, "Even if it means oblivion, friends, I’ll welcome it, because it won’t be nothing."?! Possibly the stupidest thing I've EVER seen outside of fanfic. That includes Twilight. I... seriously... I... but that's what oblivion MEANS... ...Anyway. Instead of bitching about fiction that's very, very good when it isn't being made of pure, mind-blowing fail, I shall spork fanfic that's made of pure, mind-blowing, sickening fail. :D ...D:)
* * * * * *
{mini-snip}
"Where would you like to live?" he asked.
"In a dream place that doesn't exist," she replied. "You'd laugh."
"No I wouldn't," Alex said truthfully as he held her hand even tighter. "Please tell me about it."
Jamie blushed. "It would be a quiet little village, something like Hogsmeade, but without all the Hogwarts students. The people would all be nice and friendly and you would be judged solely on your inner being."
...All right, that's a change. Instead of being a straw-man out-of-touch-with-reality conservative, like most horrifying scum (see Jack Chick), Neil is a straw-man out-of-touch-with-reality liberal, apparently.
...*speechless* B-but... I mean... that's - that's - my f-list - you can't do that - I - they - cheerful, nice people - and N-N-Neil -
...I am so, so sorry, you guys. I... crap, I didn't know creeps like this got anywhere near liberal ideals. D: I am so sorry. D:
"And they wouldn't mind if you went natural," Alex added with a smile.
"They wouldn't even raise an eyebrow," Jamie confirmed with a smile. "Nakedness wouldn't be considered dirty or sexual, but simply a matter of personal preference."
Get your filthy, semen-stained fingers the fuck off that rhetoric, Neil. I think I can tolerate intolerance for you right now.
(Okay, note that I really, really am disgusted by Neil because this isn't written like some sort of desperate release-fantasy, so I don't pity him. He tries to dress it up in pretty rhetoric about "naturism" (aka why he can have everyone prance around naked) and "hygiene" (regarding the cooter-shaving), which sickens me. It's a predator's fantasy (albeit without the culmination), not just a plain-out pedophile's. "Ooh, this is natural to strip naked, and it's hygienic to shave your crotch so as to look ever more prepubescent... now, don't tell others about this, they just wouldn't understand..." *SHUDDERS*)
"Sounds like a nice place," Alex said.
"It would be if it were real, " Jamie said longingly, "but it only exists in my dreams."
AND THANK GAD.
"Jamie, how will we handle the nudity issue when we get married?" Alex asked, concernedly. "I don't think I could ever be like you."
Jamie stopped walking, pulled Alex into her arms THE OXFORD COMMA JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND and kissed him fervently as people passed them on either side.
"Wow! What did I do to rate that?" Alex said, when their lips finally parted. "Whatever it was, remind me to do it again."
"It wasn't anything you did," Jamie remarked. "It was what you said."
"All I said was, 'how will we handle nudity when we get married'," Alex repeated.
Once again, Jamie blocked pedestrian traffic as she kissed him. "I love you Alex Ward,"
(Alex) But what about my Ariana Black or my Rose Potter?
she shouted, so all around her could hear. Then she lowered her voice. "You didn't say if we get married; you said when we get married."
Uh... wait, what's the "joining" about, then?
Oh. Crap. The loss of virginity.
...Anyway. Dear gad, Neil can't write romance worth CRAP. Or anything worth crap... I mean... *topples forward into keyboard* u7y ARGH.
"I did, didn't I?" Alex questioned. "I guess I shouldn't assume such things."
"Alex, I expect to be asked properly when the time comes, but I'll give you a hint as to what my answer will be. It's a three letter word beginning with 'y' and ending with 's'."
And in the middle, the archaic glyph FUCKNO.
"Yos," Alex guessed before Jamie jabbed him in the ribs.
They were so caught up in each other that they nearly passed the tiny pub, unnoticed.
They weren't noticed?
"It never changes, does it?" Alex asked, as they entered the Leaky Cauldron.
"I hope not," Jamie said as she looked lovingly around the dark, shabby, grubby-looking pub. "Some things just shouldn't be messed with."
In any other fic, I'd say AWWWWW (in a weird way).
In this one? I'd say Neil shouldn't defile things that COULD be good. D8 D8 D8
"Hey, why aren't you two at Hogwarts?" Tom, the old bartender called out. "Damn it, I sent the sporkers over there! You mean I have to call them and tell them to get over here pronto?!
"We must go to Ollivanders,"
Elbe: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *falls to knees in front of traumatized apostrophe, shaking arms at the heavens*
Alex answered, slightly embarrassed. "I sat on my wand and broke it."
"Weren't carrying it in you back pocket, were yea?" Tom questioned. "That's a very dangerous thing to do. One could lose their backside that way, they could."
"That's what Professor Potter warned him," Jamie said.
Congrats, Neil, you have turned a funny joke into a hideous example of beating a dead horse.
...Say, you think swythyv was correct, and threstrals are carnivorous semi-dragons? :D Here's to hoping Neil mistakes one for a dead horse! *SNERK*
"Harry Potter! You have Harry Potter as a Professor? You listen to him! He's a great wizard, he is. You know your way?" Tom asked, pointing to a door, leading to a small, walled, courtyard.
Jamie gave Tom a friendly smile and nodded her head.
"I've always loved this," Jamie said as the little girl in her
Oh, so that's why Neil likes her so much!
watched the bricks moving about and finally forming an archway to Diagon Alley. "I wish we had time to walk around and window shop."
"So do I," Alex agreed, "but it's already nearly noon. We're going to have to rush as it is just to get my wand and return to King's Cross in time to catch the train. I doubt it would go over well if we had to spend the night at the Leaky Cauldron."
"I think Hermione and Harry would be cool about it," Jamie replied, "but I don't want to ruin our plans for Valentine's Day in The Room of Requirement."
Neville: Ahem. We're using it. *takes out Spork of Gryffindor* ...*stares at it for a moment* ...*shrugs and readies it for action*
"Neither do I," Alex said as they hurried down the street. "I'm concerned enough about holding back on the return train ride."
"I know what you mean," Jamie said, squeezing Alex's hand tightly as they passed under the sign that read Ollivanders:
Elbe: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... *TWITCH*
Richard: *unfortunately, too occupied tending to all the commas from ages past to notice...*
Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C., and entered the narrow shabby shop.
The shop looked empty at first, but then Mr. Ollivander stuck his head out of a backroom and said, "I'll be right with you."
"I was just about to close for lunch," the soft-spoken man said as he approached them. "Miss Zacherley and Mr. Ward, isn't it? What can I do for you today?"
"I need to get a replacement wand," Alex said, guiltily
Elbe: Hehehehehe, hehehehehe, hehehehehe *TWITCH*
as he reached in his pocket and pulled out the two pieces of wood that had once formed his wand.
Mr. Ollivander looked sternly at Alex. "Young man, I hope you're not in the habit of carrying your wand in your back pocket. It's against the rules of elementary wand safety and a very good way to lose a buttock."
I hate you, Neil.
"So I've been told," Alex said, resigned to hearing this story the balance of his life.
My Geography professor used "the balance of" the other day. I had immediate horrific flashbacks. THANKS, NEIL.
{snip}
* * * * * *
{snip Harry and Hermione noticing the girls are gone. IT TAKES UP OVER A PAGE. Good GRIEF, does "cut unnecessary words" mean ANYTHING to Neil?!!??!?!?}
"Harry, I do trust them, but I worry about them too. What if something happens and one of them is hurt?" she asked.
"We can't constantly watch over them and keep them locked up like china dolls. They need freedom to grow and mature, just like we did. I'm not saying that there are no dangers out there, but at least they aren't living under the constant threat of death by Voldemort like we did."
Neil will immediately fuck this message up by having them be attacked, thus implying that they should be "constantly watch[ed] and [kept] locked up like china dolls". You get what I'm saying about the "predator" thing?
"You think we should just let them get away with this as if we never knew they left the castle?" she inquired, shaking her head in a frustrated fashion.
"It's what I'd suggest," Harry answered, "but if you don't agree, we can confront them. I..."
Harry never finished his sentence. His attention, along with that of every one else in the Great Hall, was drawn to the Phoenix that had entered, circled the hall and was now holding his leg out to the Headmaster. Snape snapped, "All right, I KNOW some of the fans dislike me, but having the PHOENIX piss on me?! For Merlin's sake!" As soon as the message was detached, the bird disappeared with a flash.
Severus read the message, seemed ready to stand, and then read the message again. He either didn't believe or didn't want to believe what was written upon the parchment.
Thank you, Neil. We would NEVER have guessed.
Slowly he rose to his feet. The hall, already silent, was ready for him to speak.
"I have sad news to report," Severus began slowing.
WTH?
"If you've been keeping up with the news, you are undoubtedly aware that both our world and the Muggle world have in recent years been suffering at the hands of terrorists, cowards that seek to control the world by killing innocent children and civilians in an undeclared war.
Thank you, Neil, it's not as if most of us know what "terrorist' means... and JKR would have written it MUCH better if it were a Muggle-Wizarding term problem. GAH.
"One of these groups is headed by an individual who has the audacity to call himself 'The Great One'. The only thing great about this coward is his ego.
Like Neil?
Unhappily, two attacks were carried out today which have been credited to this individual. The attacks took place simultaneously at noon. One occurred in Diagon Alley and the other in Hogsmeade. Regrettably, there were numerous innocent people injured today, many of who are Hogwarts students. One of our own was killed."
And it's a SPESHUL person, as you may have already guessed! :D HOO-FUCKIN'-RAAAAAAAAAAY! 8D
Suddenly the hall was filled with murmurs and questions.
"Please," Severus almost begged, his eyes now actually tearing.
*PUKES*
Snape: *from beyond the grave* ...*gapes*
Lily: *from beyond the grave* ...What?
James: *from beyond the grave* ...I don't even WANT what the author's smoking... O_O
"May we observe a moment of silence for our injured and departed friends."
Harry and Hermione just stared at Severus, their hearts in their throats. Certainly they dreaded the loss of any of their students, but what if it was one of the girls.
Elbe: *shaking uncontrollably and suffering from facial muscle spasms, tries to pet the injured question mark* Don't... worry... ELBE will get VENGEANCE for you and ALL your friends... ALL of them... *TWITCH*
It couldn't be; they were too young with too much to live for.
Without warning there was a hand on Harry's shoulder.
Elbe: *TWITCH*
"Hermione, Harry, we have to talk," Severus said despondently.
"Should we come to your office?" Hermione asked fearfully.
"No, that won't be necessary," he said quietly.
Richard: *going from bed to bed, tending to the punctuation* ...*stops and glares at the newest patient* And what by Yog-Sothoth are YOU doing on one of these beds? They're for the INJURED.
Roy: *lying down, arm over face* And you're saying I'm NOT?! Have you SEEN how many adverbs this thing has?!
"Just enough so we are away from prying eyes."
He led them into the chamber directly behind the staff table.
"Why are we here?" Harry asked in his usual montone, his eyes glazed over.
"While I'm being ridiculously OOC, would you take me, Harry?" Snape said, fluttering his long, glistening eyelashes. "I've - I've never been with a man before, and I wanted you to be my first." He flushed and let out a sob. "Don't - don't hurt me. Be g-g-gentle..."
"What is it Severus?"
Elbe: *TWITCH...*
Harry asked as soon as the door closed. "Is there something you need us to do to help with the injured?"
Richard: NO.
Harry held Hermione's hand tightly. He didn't like at all the look of desperation on the Headmaster's face.
Hermione's eyes were already tearing as if she could read the Severus's mind.
"The Severus", a common species of pod-person, makes its living imitating (very poorly) one Severus Snape in badfic, much to sporkers' displeasure...
"I'm deeply sorry," Severus said, as Harry flung his arms around Hermione preemptively to comfort her. "The causality is one of your girls. I'm sorry, but we've lost...."
End of Chapter 20
As always, I would like to thank those of you who took the time to review. Those reviews are what fuel my writing desire.
I thought that was your "desire" for naked little girls.
Thank you also to my wonderful betas: Amber, Paul and Peter. I'd be lost without you.
As for my opinion on the "betas"...
*LOUD CRASHES AND ROARING SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND*
...Yeah, that isn't me, but I'd like you all to remember -
ROAAAAAAAAR!
-Elbe's a quarter-dragon, so she can take dragon form when angered -
*CHARGES*
...Like right now, yeah. *DUCKS*
Want to be advised of new chapters and get to read them first? Join Hogwarts Exposed
...Which will shortly be a pile of rubble. :D;; *hides*
END SPORKING
* * * * * *
"Caitlin, you pick a passage this time," Emily said. "Try to make it one that is still serviceable." The Orc King had taken up the mouth, his best Warg the posterior, and a random plot device the Doomcrotch. That left the nostrils.
Ariana: o_o Where'd that text come from?
Guardian's Song: Nowhere. Carry on.
{mini-snip}
"Let's try this one," Caitlin suggested. "It's only down one floor, and I think I recognize the statue. I believe it's the one of that hump-backed, one-eyed witch."
"Why are witches always depicted as old and ugly while wizards are made out to all be handsome and dashing?"
Gellert: Because ve are? *leers at Albus*
Albus: *leers at Gellert*
Aberforth: *violent dry heaving*
Kim inquired, angrily. *comma survivor of massacre airlifted to makeshift Punctuation Hospital*
"Its chauvinistic."
Ariana: Its what is chauvinistic? Why are there so many words missing?
{Ariana: They talk a lot and take a lot of words to walk downstairs.}
Kim slid a significant way down what felt like a stone chute, then landed face first on top of Emily and Caitlin.
"Kim, will you please get your nose out of my butt
Literal brownnosing. My word.
Ariana: More text coming from nowhere... O_O
so I can get up," Emily shouted good-naturedly. "This ground is cold and damp and I can't see a damn thing."
{mini-snip}
Unlike the previous passage that, until they reached the cave-in, had been fairly straight, this passage
- was as flaming as Albus Dumbledore -
Ariana: ...THE MYSTERIOUS TEXT IS GOING TO GET ME. D8
twisted and turned making them feel as if they were constantly changing directions. Emily set a fast pace, knowing that their chances of reaching Hogsmeade before Crow and Bancroft were slim.
The dirt floor was uneven and occasionally one of the girls stumbled, but they continued to move rapidly, only stopping once when Kim tripped on what appeared to be a concealed locked trap door. They didn't take time to investigate because they were already fighting time.
FORESHADOWING TIEMZ!
Ariana: ABBYYYYYYYY! SAVE ME FROM THE WORDS! *BAWLS*
Aberforth: What?!
Finally after what seemed like ages, the passage began to rise. By now the girls were all out of breath and winded because of the brisk pace Emily had set. They traveled another ten minutes, the ground still rising and then finally the passage ended at the foot of some worn stone steps that rose out of sight above them.
Once again they exchanged nervous glances but, without comment, began to climb. Soon they had climbed over one hundred steps and could see neither what was in front of them nor what was behind. They continued on, ever so carefully. To fall would mean certain death, another one hundred steps and still no end. Then Emily winced in pain, her head hitting something extremely hard.
Ariana: And - and these words come out of nowhere, and they're after me, and -
"Extremely hard", eh? Not terribly surprised. Probably the underside of Neil's desk.
Ariana: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH THERE'S SOME NOW! *CLINGS* Abby, they're going to GET me -
Aberforth: The words aren't going to attack you, Ariana, the words aren't going to attack you, words can't hurt you -
Albus Severus: *eerie giggle from the future* Thaaaaaat's what yooo~~~~oooou thinkkkkkkkk...
Aberforth: ...Whoever you are, you're not helping.
{One snipped paragraph and half an hour of counseling Ariana later}
"Where are we," Kim asked, "and what is that luscious smell?"
Ariana: Um... Jamie's naked form?
Aberforth: What?
"Chocolate," Emily and Caitlin seemed to respond simultaneously.
"We must be in the basement of Honeydukes!" Caitlin exclaimed.
Emily removed the Invisibility Cloak from her bag, and the girls gathered together under it before slowly creeping toward the wooden staircase that lead upstairs.
"We have to stay close together and under the cloak at all times," Emily warned as they reached the top of the stairs. Emily opened the door a tad, peeped out and then as one;
Ariana: ...And then as one what?
the girls crept through the door and then out from behind the Honeydukes counter.
Fortunately it was still rather early. Although Honeydukes was busy, it was not so packed that they couldn't make their way out of the store without bumping into anyone.
* * * * * *
I can do this Jamie
Ariana: Who can do this Jamie?
kept telling herself as she struggled desperately not to gag.
Ariana: See, that's why Alby actually has a point when he says not to eat book covers... The book pages are edible, though. When I'm being a goat, that is.
She swallowed hard, fighting off the urge to heave
Ariana: Spit it out! I got sick once from eating a book. ): ...And Alby got furious...
and then finally regained her composure. With her eyes still watering, she sucked gently
Ariana: ...Err, what are you doing? Eating a Lemon Drop? I like Lemon Drops. 8\
as she backed off, swallowed again and then kissed the tip.
Ariana: The... what? Wait, what's going on here? I'm confused. )8
Uh, never mind, Arian-
Ariana: ABBY, THE WORDS ARE BACK AGAIN! D: D: D:
She kept kissing and licking until his arousal completely subsided.
Ariana: So... he fell asleep?
Only then did she look up at Alex's face. He appeared to be in seventh heaven.
Ariana: Um... er... well... he's not dead, right, he only appears that way? Pull his hair. That tends to wake them up fast. :D
It wasn't her most pleasant experience, but then it was the first time; she could get accustomed to it, possibly even enjoy it in time.
Ariana: No... Eating books doesn't get any more fun. Really.
That look of total ecstasy on his face made it all worthwhile.
Ariana: O_o He... likes to see you eating books while he sleeps like the dead?
Anyway, I'd just like to -
Ariana: *twitchtwitchTWITCH BOOM*
Guardian's Song: ...Take over the sporking again, apparently. >_<
Ahem. What I MEANT to say was 'Eesn't it awfully EENTERSTING that we only get to see the end of the MALE blowjob scene?'. ...I mean, this is Neil, but good gad, I thought he was coy! This is explicit rubbish!
She desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him,
After SHE gave HIM a blowjob? Uh... I think Neil's a wee bit muddled.
but hesitated. Would he want to kiss her immediately after she had done that? It didn't bother her in the least to kiss him after he had pleasured her, but that was different.
Because... I have no hell idea why. He'd have vagina juices ALL OVER his face, and you'd only have spunk down your throat. Wipe your lips and don't French-kiss, and you'll be fine.
Less seriously, I think it's because Neil is a heterosexual male, therefore has no problems with female bits, but goes SQUICKSQUICKSQUICK over male bits. (The bizarreness of NEIL going SQUICSQUICKSQUICK aside...)
"Jamie, I doubt I could possibly love you any more than I already do," Alex said as he stood and gently helped her to her feet. He embraced her, loving the feel of his arms and hands on her bare skin.
All RIGHT, man, this is a post-blowjob scene. There's no need to make it a wholesome fluff scene. (Sorry, don't mean to be cynical, but this's like a Harlequin Novel, only worse. D:)
He pulled her into a tight squeeze and then sought out her mouth. At first he gently kissed her lips, but the kissing became more and more insatiable as their tongues searched out each other.
...And what do you know, they tongue-kiss. >_< Neil must be awfully used to tasting his own... YES, I AM making this worse. )X
Two days until they joined. It seemed like forever. Especially if Neil was writing it. Could they wait? Did they even want to consider waiting? His hands caressed her smooth back, finally coming to rest on her perfectly shaped bum. He held her cheeks tightly in his hands. She was perfect; she was a goddess; a goddess that loved him.
Tooth-rotting, sex-obsessed sap does not go with blowjobs. Really. (Couldn't they be a bit worn-out afterwards? Or at least have some effect from the oral sex?)
You know, some Harmoanian males are really fixated on pure, sentimental feelings. It's like... the other end of the scale from stereotypical shallow caveman. ...Too much on the wrong end of the scale. Everyone acts like two-dimensional robots.
...Most of the time, they're just preachy and kind of overdoing it, but better than the other crazy fans (and, in some cases, even kind of funny and nice in their way 99% of the time - see 'brad' from FA Park). Neil is pretty much the Demon-King of "the rest of the time". D:
"Ten minutes," the voice announced. "We will be arriving at King's Cross station in ten minutes."
"I better get dressed," Jamie said reluctantly as she endeavored to break Alex's hug. "As much as you get pleasure from me being like this, I doubt if London and Diagon Alley would approve."
But Neil approves - and that's the important part, right? -_-;;
Alex didn't want to let her free, he wanted to hold her like this forever; never chance losing her or the sensation he had at this moment.
...Severus Snape approves.
Snape: *from beyond the grave* WHAT?! I am hardly THIS sickening!
...Oops, sir, I meant Charlie Swan. Or Edward Cullen.
Snape: MUCH. BETTER.
By the way, in you/Hermione fandom, you're often compared to Edward...
Snape: [UNPRINTABLE]
"I adore you, Jamie Lily Zacherley."
LILY?! LILY?! Aw, HELL NO! Leave Lily Evans ALONE, you bastard! Her name does not deserve to be defiled like this! DRACO'S name would not deserve to be defiled like this! DX And we ALL know - hell, CASSANDRA CLAIRE'S name would not deserve to be defiled like this! And I hate her like Das Mervin hates MEYER!
* * * * * *
Completely hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak, Emily, Caitlin and Kim emerged into the sunlight outside Honeydukes.
"It's a beautiful sunny day," Caitlin announced. "I wish we had left our clothes back at the castle. We could have gotten an early start on an all over tan.
The joys of skin cancer! :D
I understand Invisibility Cloaks only have a SPF level of 1."
Kim looked at Caitlin skeptically. "You can't be serious? It was only forty degrees in that passage. We would have frozen to death."
YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!
(Besides, they're under the Cloak. They could strip and CARRY their clothes... idiots.)
"Will you two please keep you minds on business, bitches?" Emily scolded. "We have to walk dem streets or we goin' get it. Harry one tough pimp, you know.
(Horribly bad accent brought to you by 1990s Superman comics during my developmental years)
find Bancroft; I have to see his face when he gets those pictures back."
They wondered through town toward the road that led to Hogwarts, hoping to run into the Slytherin bullies, but with no luck. Finally after about a half hour of searching, they gave up and started walking through town pointing out the various sights to Kim, who had never visited Hogsmeade. They climbed a slope to see the Shrieking Shack, the most haunted dwelling in Britain;
Elbe: *in pain*
then they visited Zonko's.
They were just approaching the post office to show Kim the hundreds of owls from Great Grays down to tiny little Scops owls, when Emily pulled them to an abrupt halt. There, exiting the post office was Dick Bancroft and his faithful subordinate, Dennis Crow.
Such SYMBOLIK names. If you're a frat boy.
{snip}
"Perfect timing," Bancroft said, beaming. "I'm supposed to meet Mr. Lyler in front of the camera shop at eleven o'clock. I can't believe that people will actually pay money for pictures of a naked young girl.
But Neil! I thought this was your realistic Self-Insert! This is totally OOC!
She doesn't even have anything worth looking at."
"Your brother seemed quite enthralled by her," Crow laughed. "I bet he can't wait to see the pictures."
"Actually, the little jerk told me to shove the pictures up my arse," Dick admitted. "The boy has no respect for his elders. He thinks that I'm a bastard for what I'm doing. Can you believe it? He was actually fond of that little tart? Lucky that I was able to blackmail him into taking those pictures or he'd probably still be licking her proper little arse."
Look, if your brother can be blackmailed into taking pictures of a friend for child porn, he's STILL NOT A GOOD GUY. Your morals are FUCKED UP, Neil. Just like your sex drive, actually. D|
(Plus - only in this fic would you worry for a moment that "licking her proper little arse" was one of the author's fetishes and not just Bad Guy Coarseness. And I'm still not sure. O_o)
Kim and Caitlin exchanged glances and then looked at Emily who seemed impervious to this revelation.
I suspect that all the commas disappearing in this fic actually were mutated into colons due to the sheer level of BADFIC, then descended in a swarm onto Deathly Hallows. It would explain so many things.
Dennis and Dick turned down the side street next to the post office with the girls trying to stay within hearing range without being detected.
"I've never been down this street before," Caitlin whispered.
"And I won't be upset if I never step foot on it again," Kim said as they passed a shop with what appeared to be real shrunken heads hanging in the filthy window.
"I guess all villages and shopping areas have their dark sides," Emily said, maintaining a safe distance from Bancroft. "I imagine this area is to Hogsmeade as Knockturn Alley is to Diagon Alley."
Aberforth: Aw, hell, now the badfic's even stealing the purpose of The Hog's Head?!
"A good place to avoid," Kim declared, as they suddenly came to a stop in front of a shop displaying the name 'XXX Pictographic'.
Dick had gone up to greet a short, thin, balding man who was waiting next to the steps of the shop.
"Good morning, Mr. Lyler.
I wonder if that's the name of Neil's IRL porn dealer?
Its
Elbe: *twitching and bandaging apostrophe as the ICU of the Punctuation Hospital fills to overflowing*
extremely nice to see you again," Dick said in his most flattering fashion. "I hope you haven't been waiting long."
"I just now Apparated," Lyler said curtly. "I hope these pictures you have are worth my time and effort."
"I'm sure you be pleased," Dick said. "Please, wait here, and I'll run inside and get them.
Richard: OW! *rubs head where random falling quotation mark hit it*
I'd like you all to remember - THREE BETAS. THREE BETAS.
"This is going to be great," Caitlin whispered, hugging both Emily and Kim.
It was only a few minutes before Bancroft reappeared. He had a long cardboard tube under his arm and was holding an envelope.
"I haven't had a chance to look at these yet," he said tensely, "but I'm sure they'll meet your high standards. I had the shop make up two sets so that Crow and I could keep a set. You can have the other, and I imagine you'll want the negatives as well."
Lyler took the envelope that Bancroft handed him and started perusing the contents in a very business like manner, dividing the pictures as he went.
"These aren't exactly what you led me to expect," he said, looking at Bancroft with a strange expression on his face. "However, I believe I have a buyer who will be interested. Just out of curiosity, why do you want to keep a set?"
Bancroft and Crow looked at each other in a guilty manner, but it was Crow that finally answered. "Guys our ages, you know, get urges and don't always have a cohort to help us satisfy them."
"Yeah," Dick added. "Sometimes you have to literally take matters in your own hands, you know - wank off. We kind of hope these picture will help us."
Frank Lyler just nodded his head, rather taken back and at a loss for words. "And what's in the tube," he inquired.
"That's the best part," Dick said enthusiastically. "We had the pictures blown up to poster size so that we can hang them all over the castle for everyone to see. It's going to be great."
"Yes, yes. I'm sure it will be interesting," Frank said, now shaking rather than nodding his head. "Its not my position to judge others. Here is the agreed upon fee and your set of pictures." He handed Bancroft a small sack of coins and one set of pictures. "Should you take more pictures, please contact me." Then without a warning or even a good-bye, he Apparated.
Credit where credit is due. Since the readers know those were switched-in naked pictures of Dick and Dennis the Extremely-Poorly-Endowed, that was pretty damn funny.
I wonder where Neil stole it from.
And it's a LOT less funny when you remember Dick and Dennis were acting this way about what they THOUGHT were pictures of a naked eleven-year-old girl. In one case, with her nether regions completely exposed. (She did naked splits while standing on her head. ...Yes. DDDDD8 I feel like the FBI might go after me just for sporking this. D:)
Had Emily, Caitlin and Kim not been trying to hide;
Elbe: They would have been doing even MORE horrible things to punctuation? *hugs quivering semicolon*
they would have in all probability been rolling in the snow with laughter. As it was, they were all trying desperately to suppress their laughter. They had even backed a little further away, and were now leaning against the building trying to maintain control.
"He was acting rather strange," Crow said, looking at Dick questioningly.
"Yeah!" Dick agreed. "I think being weird is a requirement to be in his line of work."
"Let's have a look at the pictures," Dennis said impatiently. "I want to see what your brother fancied so much."
It only took one picture for enthusiasm to turn to shock, then anger and finally rage.
"That little prick," Bancroft shouted, forgetting he was on a public street. "I'm going to hang him from the common room ceiling by his balls.
Funny, Neil, that's what a lot of survivors of these sporkings would like to do to YOU.
He hoaxed me! The little bastard never took pictures of the slut."
"Wait." Crow disputed. "We've really been had, but this is way beyond your little brother's talent. Whoever took these pictures must have gotten into Slytherin Dungeon with an Invisibility Cloak. How else could they have gotten these pictures?"
Dick tried to repress his angry inch and think intelligently. "Zacherley, fucking Jamie Zacherley. She did this! It all makes sense. Somehow Emily realized she had been duped by my brother
Although how a girl stupid enough to let someone take nude photos of her could do anything, I don't know...
and went to her sister for help. Jamie was there the day that damn Ravenclaw said I smelled. She must have followed us back to our dorm, switched film and then took these pictures of us in the shower."
Crow thought about this momentarily and then panicked. "You mean Jamie Zacherley was watching us take a shower? She was there in the same room while we were naked?
...He's panicking at the thought of a girl ogling him? Okay, so... he's gay or... he doesn't like the thought of a (near-)adult female ogling him...
*turns green and tries not to vomit*
She couldn't have been," Dennis declared. "Invisibility cloaks are hard to come by and extremely expensive. Her dead-beat parents could have never afforded to buy one."
Caitlin and Kim had to then restrain Emily. She was attempting to discard the cloak and charge at Crow in a fit of anger. Fortunately, no one else was in the vicinity and Bancroft and Crow had their back to the group of girls.
"No, her parents could have never afforded an Invisibility Cloak," Bancroft spouted murderously, "but I bet either Potter or his mudblood bitch own one. I wish a plague would curse that entire damn family."
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
He can't even keep his curses straight! O_o ...I guess his brain's as small as his prick.
"What are we going to do with the posters and pictures?" Crow asked.
"Burn them, of course," Bancroft cursed. "It's the Zacherley girls we want to humiliate, not ourselves."
Dennis hesitated momentarily and then asked something, although we'll never know what. "What about the negatives that Frank Lyler has?
Dick face
An accurate description of yourself, Neil. I must say, it's rare for an author to become so honest.
became wan. He'd never get Lyler to return those pictures. "Damn! That's why that clerk in the store tried to touch my hand when he gave me my change," Bancroft cried. "He even asked me out for coffee. Everyone who sees those picture will think you and I are poofs!"
So... did the clerk have a fetish for small pricks? O_o Can Neil remember these details?
Or does he think all gay men are effeminate (slightly implied in that above paragraph, methinks) horndogs that will hit ANYTHING?
Yeah, sappy, hairless-little-girls-obsessed (with a side dash of pregnancy-fetish-possessing and token complimenting of 'perfectly-figured' women) asshole, you're REALLY one to talk.
Crow seemingly had ignored Bancroft's outburst. "Can I please see my posters before you burn them?" he asked pleadingly.
Oh, hell. Crow's gay, isn't he.
Oh, hell.
Well, isn't that just... isn't that... special...
I mean, my gad, he's even homophobic on top of it all... Wow. If he hadn't written so much and wasn't so obviously getting off on it, I'd say he was a troll... It's like he's filling out a CHECKLIST of "Signs The Author Is A Moron/Dsgusting Creep/Out-and-Out Asshole"!
"Come on," Caitlin urged. "Let's get out of here and show Kim the nicer parts of Hogsmeade. We've had our revenge."
Emily smiled and agreed, but she hadn't found reprisal nearly as gratifying as she thought she would. The hurt and emptiness that she had felt since learning that Tyler deceived her still remained. It would be a long time, maybe never, before those feelings subsided.
ELEVEN.
Good GRIEF. This is making the end of The Amber Spyglass seem non-melodramatic. ('We may die and vanish into oblivion... but our ATOMS will be together!1!!!1111!!!' Seriously, "Even if it means oblivion, friends, I’ll welcome it, because it won’t be nothing."?! Possibly the stupidest thing I've EVER seen outside of fanfic. That includes Twilight. I... seriously... I... but that's what oblivion MEANS... ...Anyway. Instead of bitching about fiction that's very, very good when it isn't being made of pure, mind-blowing fail, I shall spork fanfic that's made of pure, mind-blowing, sickening fail. :D ...D:)
* * * * * *
{mini-snip}
"Where would you like to live?" he asked.
"In a dream place that doesn't exist," she replied. "You'd laugh."
"No I wouldn't," Alex said truthfully as he held her hand even tighter. "Please tell me about it."
Jamie blushed. "It would be a quiet little village, something like Hogsmeade, but without all the Hogwarts students. The people would all be nice and friendly and you would be judged solely on your inner being."
...All right, that's a change. Instead of being a straw-man out-of-touch-with-reality conservative, like most horrifying scum (see Jack Chick), Neil is a straw-man out-of-touch-with-reality liberal, apparently.
...*speechless* B-but... I mean... that's - that's - my f-list - you can't do that - I - they - cheerful, nice people - and N-N-Neil -
...I am so, so sorry, you guys. I... crap, I didn't know creeps like this got anywhere near liberal ideals. D: I am so sorry. D:
"And they wouldn't mind if you went natural," Alex added with a smile.
"They wouldn't even raise an eyebrow," Jamie confirmed with a smile. "Nakedness wouldn't be considered dirty or sexual, but simply a matter of personal preference."
Get your filthy, semen-stained fingers the fuck off that rhetoric, Neil. I think I can tolerate intolerance for you right now.
(Okay, note that I really, really am disgusted by Neil because this isn't written like some sort of desperate release-fantasy, so I don't pity him. He tries to dress it up in pretty rhetoric about "naturism" (aka why he can have everyone prance around naked) and "hygiene" (regarding the cooter-shaving), which sickens me. It's a predator's fantasy (albeit without the culmination), not just a plain-out pedophile's. "Ooh, this is natural to strip naked, and it's hygienic to shave your crotch so as to look ever more prepubescent... now, don't tell others about this, they just wouldn't understand..." *SHUDDERS*)
"Sounds like a nice place," Alex said.
"It would be if it were real, " Jamie said longingly, "but it only exists in my dreams."
AND THANK GAD.
"Jamie, how will we handle the nudity issue when we get married?" Alex asked, concernedly. "I don't think I could ever be like you."
Jamie stopped walking, pulled Alex into her arms THE OXFORD COMMA JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND and kissed him fervently as people passed them on either side.
"Wow! What did I do to rate that?" Alex said, when their lips finally parted. "Whatever it was, remind me to do it again."
"It wasn't anything you did," Jamie remarked. "It was what you said."
"All I said was, 'how will we handle nudity when we get married'," Alex repeated.
Once again, Jamie blocked pedestrian traffic as she kissed him. "I love you Alex Ward,"
(Alex) But what about my Ariana Black or my Rose Potter?
she shouted, so all around her could hear. Then she lowered her voice. "You didn't say if we get married; you said when we get married."
Uh... wait, what's the "joining" about, then?
Oh. Crap. The loss of virginity.
...Anyway. Dear gad, Neil can't write romance worth CRAP. Or anything worth crap... I mean... *topples forward into keyboard* u7y ARGH.
"I did, didn't I?" Alex questioned. "I guess I shouldn't assume such things."
"Alex, I expect to be asked properly when the time comes, but I'll give you a hint as to what my answer will be. It's a three letter word beginning with 'y' and ending with 's'."
And in the middle, the archaic glyph FUCKNO.
"Yos," Alex guessed before Jamie jabbed him in the ribs.
They were so caught up in each other that they nearly passed the tiny pub, unnoticed.
They weren't noticed?
"It never changes, does it?" Alex asked, as they entered the Leaky Cauldron.
"I hope not," Jamie said as she looked lovingly around the dark, shabby, grubby-looking pub. "Some things just shouldn't be messed with."
In any other fic, I'd say AWWWWW (in a weird way).
In this one? I'd say Neil shouldn't defile things that COULD be good. D8 D8 D8
"Hey, why aren't you two at Hogwarts?" Tom, the old bartender called out. "Damn it, I sent the sporkers over there! You mean I have to call them and tell them to get over here pronto?!
"We must go to Ollivanders,"
Elbe: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *falls to knees in front of traumatized apostrophe, shaking arms at the heavens*
Alex answered, slightly embarrassed. "I sat on my wand and broke it."
"Weren't carrying it in you back pocket, were yea?" Tom questioned. "That's a very dangerous thing to do. One could lose their backside that way, they could."
"That's what Professor Potter warned him," Jamie said.
Congrats, Neil, you have turned a funny joke into a hideous example of beating a dead horse.
...Say, you think swythyv was correct, and threstrals are carnivorous semi-dragons? :D Here's to hoping Neil mistakes one for a dead horse! *SNERK*
"Harry Potter! You have Harry Potter as a Professor? You listen to him! He's a great wizard, he is. You know your way?" Tom asked, pointing to a door, leading to a small, walled, courtyard.
Jamie gave Tom a friendly smile and nodded her head.
"I've always loved this," Jamie said as the little girl in her
Oh, so that's why Neil likes her so much!
watched the bricks moving about and finally forming an archway to Diagon Alley. "I wish we had time to walk around and window shop."
"So do I," Alex agreed, "but it's already nearly noon. We're going to have to rush as it is just to get my wand and return to King's Cross in time to catch the train. I doubt it would go over well if we had to spend the night at the Leaky Cauldron."
"I think Hermione and Harry would be cool about it," Jamie replied, "but I don't want to ruin our plans for Valentine's Day in The Room of Requirement."
Neville: Ahem. We're using it. *takes out Spork of Gryffindor* ...*stares at it for a moment* ...*shrugs and readies it for action*
"Neither do I," Alex said as they hurried down the street. "I'm concerned enough about holding back on the return train ride."
"I know what you mean," Jamie said, squeezing Alex's hand tightly as they passed under the sign that read Ollivanders:
Elbe: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... *TWITCH*
Richard: *unfortunately, too occupied tending to all the commas from ages past to notice...*
Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C., and entered the narrow shabby shop.
The shop looked empty at first, but then Mr. Ollivander stuck his head out of a backroom and said, "I'll be right with you."
"I was just about to close for lunch," the soft-spoken man said as he approached them. "Miss Zacherley and Mr. Ward, isn't it? What can I do for you today?"
"I need to get a replacement wand," Alex said, guiltily
Elbe: Hehehehehe, hehehehehe, hehehehehe *TWITCH*
as he reached in his pocket and pulled out the two pieces of wood that had once formed his wand.
Mr. Ollivander looked sternly at Alex. "Young man, I hope you're not in the habit of carrying your wand in your back pocket. It's against the rules of elementary wand safety and a very good way to lose a buttock."
I hate you, Neil.
"So I've been told," Alex said, resigned to hearing this story the balance of his life.
My Geography professor used "the balance of" the other day. I had immediate horrific flashbacks. THANKS, NEIL.
{snip}
* * * * * *
{snip Harry and Hermione noticing the girls are gone. IT TAKES UP OVER A PAGE. Good GRIEF, does "cut unnecessary words" mean ANYTHING to Neil?!!??!?!?}
"Harry, I do trust them, but I worry about them too. What if something happens and one of them is hurt?" she asked.
"We can't constantly watch over them and keep them locked up like china dolls. They need freedom to grow and mature, just like we did. I'm not saying that there are no dangers out there, but at least they aren't living under the constant threat of death by Voldemort like we did."
Neil will immediately fuck this message up by having them be attacked, thus implying that they should be "constantly watch[ed] and [kept] locked up like china dolls". You get what I'm saying about the "predator" thing?
"You think we should just let them get away with this as if we never knew they left the castle?" she inquired, shaking her head in a frustrated fashion.
"It's what I'd suggest," Harry answered, "but if you don't agree, we can confront them. I..."
Harry never finished his sentence. His attention, along with that of every one else in the Great Hall, was drawn to the Phoenix that had entered, circled the hall and was now holding his leg out to the Headmaster. Snape snapped, "All right, I KNOW some of the fans dislike me, but having the PHOENIX piss on me?! For Merlin's sake!" As soon as the message was detached, the bird disappeared with a flash.
Severus read the message, seemed ready to stand, and then read the message again. He either didn't believe or didn't want to believe what was written upon the parchment.
Thank you, Neil. We would NEVER have guessed.
Slowly he rose to his feet. The hall, already silent, was ready for him to speak.
"I have sad news to report," Severus began slowing.
WTH?
"If you've been keeping up with the news, you are undoubtedly aware that both our world and the Muggle world have in recent years been suffering at the hands of terrorists, cowards that seek to control the world by killing innocent children and civilians in an undeclared war.
Thank you, Neil, it's not as if most of us know what "terrorist' means... and JKR would have written it MUCH better if it were a Muggle-Wizarding term problem. GAH.
"One of these groups is headed by an individual who has the audacity to call himself 'The Great One'. The only thing great about this coward is his ego.
Like Neil?
Unhappily, two attacks were carried out today which have been credited to this individual. The attacks took place simultaneously at noon. One occurred in Diagon Alley and the other in Hogsmeade. Regrettably, there were numerous innocent people injured today, many of who are Hogwarts students. One of our own was killed."
And it's a SPESHUL person, as you may have already guessed! :D HOO-FUCKIN'-RAAAAAAAAAAY! 8D
Suddenly the hall was filled with murmurs and questions.
"Please," Severus almost begged, his eyes now actually tearing.
*PUKES*
Snape: *from beyond the grave* ...*gapes*
Lily: *from beyond the grave* ...What?
James: *from beyond the grave* ...I don't even WANT what the author's smoking... O_O
"May we observe a moment of silence for our injured and departed friends."
Harry and Hermione just stared at Severus, their hearts in their throats. Certainly they dreaded the loss of any of their students, but what if it was one of the girls.
Elbe: *shaking uncontrollably and suffering from facial muscle spasms, tries to pet the injured question mark* Don't... worry... ELBE will get VENGEANCE for you and ALL your friends... ALL of them... *TWITCH*
It couldn't be; they were too young with too much to live for.
Without warning there was a hand on Harry's shoulder.
Elbe: *TWITCH*
"Hermione, Harry, we have to talk," Severus said despondently.
"Should we come to your office?" Hermione asked fearfully.
"No, that won't be necessary," he said quietly.
Richard: *going from bed to bed, tending to the punctuation* ...*stops and glares at the newest patient* And what by Yog-Sothoth are YOU doing on one of these beds? They're for the INJURED.
Roy: *lying down, arm over face* And you're saying I'm NOT?! Have you SEEN how many adverbs this thing has?!
"Just enough so we are away from prying eyes."
He led them into the chamber directly behind the staff table.
"Why are we here?" Harry asked in his usual montone, his eyes glazed over.
"While I'm being ridiculously OOC, would you take me, Harry?" Snape said, fluttering his long, glistening eyelashes. "I've - I've never been with a man before, and I wanted you to be my first." He flushed and let out a sob. "Don't - don't hurt me. Be g-g-gentle..."
"What is it Severus?"
Elbe: *TWITCH...*
Harry asked as soon as the door closed. "Is there something you need us to do to help with the injured?"
Richard: NO.
Harry held Hermione's hand tightly. He didn't like at all the look of desperation on the Headmaster's face.
Hermione's eyes were already tearing as if she could read the Severus's mind.
"The Severus", a common species of pod-person, makes its living imitating (very poorly) one Severus Snape in badfic, much to sporkers' displeasure...
"I'm deeply sorry," Severus said, as Harry flung his arms around Hermione preemptively to comfort her. "The causality is one of your girls. I'm sorry, but we've lost...."
End of Chapter 20
As always, I would like to thank those of you who took the time to review. Those reviews are what fuel my writing desire.
I thought that was your "desire" for naked little girls.
Thank you also to my wonderful betas: Amber, Paul and Peter. I'd be lost without you.
As for my opinion on the "betas"...
*LOUD CRASHES AND ROARING SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND*
...Yeah, that isn't me, but I'd like you all to remember -
ROAAAAAAAAR!
-Elbe's a quarter-dragon, so she can take dragon form when angered -
*CHARGES*
...Like right now, yeah. *DUCKS*
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...Which will shortly be a pile of rubble. :D;; *hides*
END SPORKING