*sigh* If ONLY it ended here...
Off-topic: I love the Dumbledores. <3
...Yeah, if the Dumbledore backstory gets mangled in the movies (I'm probably going to watch the HBP and DH movies, due to my Unified Theory of Insane Wizards And Witches coming from those books :B), you will probably see me ranting here. :P (If there's Grindeldore subtext, I will have to try very hard to avoid cheering in front of my parents [if I'm watching the DH movies with them]... XD;;)
Back to the spork! (Still dumping on the NSFWness, by the way. ...The crushing boredom is the worst part of this fic, so...)
* * * * * *
"We were always so close, but these last few months we didn't get to spend nearly as much time together in bed. I can't even remember the last time I told her that I loved her with my naked body," Emily said, hugging her tearHYPHENsoaked pillow as she and Caitlin lay on their separate beds, now pushed together. "Now I'll never have the chance again."
"I know you wish you had put it into actual words," Caitlin said reassuringly, caressing her friend's pert arse. "but Jamie knew how you felt about her. You have a marvelously expressive tongue."
"I feel all alone in the world," Emily sobbed in pleasure. "First my parents are taken from me by Social Services and now, less than a year later, my sister. My family is completely gone. Damn it, only they knew all my sensitive spots!"
"I know the feeling," Caitlin said. "The worst years of my life were spent in that orphanage. Not that they were cruel in any way to me, because they weren't, and they were quite good in bed, in fact, but I was just a number; unloved and unwanted. My life only started when I met Jamie."
*spittake* Wait, I didn't mean the subtext SERIOUSLY! D:
Jamie escorted the girls up the spiral staircase and into their dormitory, staying to help them get settled in as the cameras began to roll. "Now, girls, remember to give our audience a good view... they're risking jail time for this, after all." She was about to depart when a timid voice called her name in ecstacy. It was always the quiet ones. "Jamie, may I speak with you?"
Jamie went over and sat on the edge of the girl's four-poster bed. "What is the problem?" she tenderly inquired in a seductive voice.
"Jamie, I'm frightened to close my eyes and go to sleep. I have these dreadful dreams about this creep named Neil and I sometimes wake up screaming. The other girls will think I'm peculiar and not want to be my friend with benefits."
Jamie looked at the desperation to get laid in the little girl's heartbreaking, but beautiful face.
I'M JOKING ABOUT THE SUBTEXT, NEIL. D8
Suddenly she had an inspiration. "I think I know someone who can be of aid in helping you sleep well again and feel safer. His name is Mr. Strap-On. Put on your slippers and come downstairs to my dormitory, and I'll introduce you to him."
"Him? How can some boy help me sleep better?" The girl questioned. "Shouldn't I get dressed? What's a boy doing in your dormitory? I thought we were filming only girl-on-girl action?"
Jamie held back a giggle as she smiled. "I don't have a boy in the dormitory. It's not that sort of he. You'll understand when you see him. Just a warning, though - he's awfully big." She leered at Caitlin, who suddenly felt very nervous.
They entered the empty room and went over to Jamie's bed, which was on the far wall next to the window. "Pureheart, I'd like you to meet someone," Jamie said.
There lying at the end of Jamie's bed was a tiny unicorn about the size of a small dog. "Oh! He's beautiful. Is he real? May I touch him?" Caitlin implored.
Jamie whispered in Caitlin's ear. "He's not real, but he thinks he is. Pureheart is a toy stuffed Unicorn that has been charmed to life. He has all the qualities of a real unicorn.
*has sudden urge to dunk head in acid*
...My... effing... gad... Sparklypoo... Sparklypoo... SPARKLYPOO... Get it AWAY... DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 (where the preceding sequence actually represents the faces I made as I stared at that bit...)
As for whether you can touch him or not that is a decision unicorns make based on your purity.
(Unicorn) A SUE! *stabs horn through Sue's chest*
You'll have to let him approach you and see."
Caitlin looked nervously at Jamie and then at Pureheart. Will a unicorn consider me pure after what happened this summer?
See, considering that Caitlin was brutally molested during said summer, this would be an opportunity for plot and character development in the hands of a better author. ...This is Neil, though.
What will Jamie think of me if Pureheart doesn't let me touch him? She'll think I'm some tart that had underage sex.
Considering that you're all of ELEVEN YEARS OLD, I don't THINK so.
Pureheart was pawing at Jamie's pillow as if encouraging her to come to bed.
O_o D:
"Where did you get him?" Caitlin asked.
"My dad bought Pureheart for me the year before I started Hogwarts. I was having bad dreams about a revolting guy who attacked me after a Quidditch game. If it hadn't been for my Knight in shining armor, sans consistent capitalization, he would have in all probability, raped and killed me."
Caitlin looked at Jamie as tears came to her eyes. Someone I can finally talk to about what happened. Someone who will understand how it felt. "I wish a Speshul Capitalized Knight had been there for me," Caitlin whispered quietly.
Jamie's jaw dropped in shook. "Caitlin, were you raped?"
"Technically I suppose some people wouldn't consider what happened to me rape, but it wounded me just as much and the nightmares are just as dreadful."
Jamie held Caitlin's hand as she was told the entire story of what had happen during the summer. Someone set her up the bomb. The only detail left out was the perpetrators
*sigh* APOSTROPHES ARE GOOD FOR YOU. -_-;;
name.
Of course, Jamie knew it was the Mould-On-the-Wold Child Molestors' Association, randomly sexually attacking little girls in fanon so as to create DRAMAZ because only sexual molestation, and not just plain old beatings, can provide sufficient ANGST.
Jamie gasped in horror as Caitlin told her about how she was tied up and left to die.
"I pleaded for her to stop, but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't do anything," Caitlin told her, reliving the horrible ordeal as she did. "I kept insisting beatings or verbal abuse would do fine for trauma, but she insisted it was a new Union rule. Something about 'We know, but the fandom insists, just look at Ariana Dumbledore'..."
They sat there silently for a few minute;
Neil speaky English REAL goody.
Elbe: *is commatose* *that is not a typo*
Jamie with her arms tightly around Caitlin. "Do you think Pureheart will let me touch him or am I soiled because of what happened?" Caitlin asked, tears still filling her eyes.
"I don't know how Pureheart will react, but you certainly aren't soiled, except by your Sueness. We can only hope. Come sit on the bed so he can decide."
As soon as Caitlin sat down Pureheart approached her and titled his head,
(Pureheart) I call you... Sir Purehead! :D *attempts to befriend his head*
(Jamie) ...Uh, yeah, now's a good time to tell you that the animation spell didn't QUITE go right...
(Caitlin) O_o
as if he were examining Caitlin closely. The tiny unicorn had a strange questioning look on his face. He took a few steps closer and sniffed the air, as if he was trying to work out something. His tiny head lifted after a second and when Caitlin looked at him, she could see tears falling from his eyes. Pureheart licked Caitlin's cheek and then curled up on her lap.
Jamie smiled. "Would you like Pureheart to keep you company for a while?"
Caitlin looked at Jamie. "Could he, you'd really let him stay with me?"
"Pureheart knows where he's needed.
*GAGGAGGAG*
He'll keep those nightmares away. Just bring him to visit me occasionally." Pureheart jumped to the floor as Caitlin threw her arms around Jamie's neck.
Jamie walked Caitlin back to her dorm and tucked her in bed while Pureheart took his accustomed position at the foot of the bed. Jamie knew she would miss the tiny unicorn, but right now Caitlin required him a good deal more than she did.
I need to puke. Sap overdose TO THE MAX. *RETCHES*
"What will we ever do if anything happens to Harry and Hermione?" Emily asked with a panic stricken tone.
Rejoice?
"I don't know," Caitlin answered, the mere thought giving her the chills. . "It doesn't seem possible that a person could grow to love someone in a year's time as much as I love them. Aren't Love Potions a wonderful thing? They are my Mum and Dad, and I couldn't love them more if they were my actual birth parents."
"They both love you a lot," Emily said.
"Not any more than they do you!" Caitlin argued.
...Huh? What's the arguing abot?
"Actually sometimes I think you're Dad's favorite."
Elbe: Well, commas certainly aren't... *twitch*
"I love it when he holds me on his lap," Emily confessed.
D:
"Caitlin, do you think I might be gay?"
"Why would you ask that?" Caitlin asked disbelievingly. "No, no, we only have Loving, Sisterly, ENTIRELY PLATONIC Hugs ((c) Kieran Halcyon). Not gay at all."
"Because I like it when you hold me, " Emily admitted. "I feel all warm and loved."
"It makes me feel good, too," Caitlin agreed as she moved from her bed to Emily's and they "hugged" each other, "But it has nothing to do with being gay.
Gellert: Oh, no, feeling good ven hugging your best friend of the same sex ven both of you are naked has nothing to do vith being gay at ALL.
When I have dreams at night, it's not you I see doing things to me.
Albus: *under his breath* ...Well... I do still see Elphias in those dreams, sometimes... ...The one with both of them at the same time was rather nice indeed... 8)
Gellert: Vot?
Albus: Oh - ah - nothing, Gellert! Nothing! *whistles*
Guardian's Song: More seriously, do most girls have sex dreams by twelve? And even if so, do we need to hear about it? D:
Did Jamie ever tell you that I once thought she was gay?"
"Jamie its Caitlin. Can Pureheart and I come visit?" Caitlin called through the door.
Jamie and Amanda looked at each other.
"Sure
Elbe: *awakens from commatose state* Why does Neil hate the commas so?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! DDDDD8
come on in." Jamie reached for her robe, but Caitlin opened the door before she had it completely on and closed.
Jamie could tell by how quick Caitlin's face turned red that she was embarrassed. But when she noticed the first year start looking back and forth between herself and Amanda, Jamie started to worry about what conclusion Caitlin was jumping to, especially considering her revelations the night before.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you�. I'm sorry, I'll come back later."
"No, please Caitlin don't go.
Elbe: (Jamie) At least not without giving us any commas! D:
Come in. Its not what you think."
Elbe: (Jamie) It's not an apostrophe, either!
Jamie rush to the door
THREE. BETAS. THREE.
and grabbed Caitlin's hand. "Please, let me explain. I wouldn't lie to you. Please don't go."
Initially Caitlin tried to slip out of Jamie's grasp, but then she stopped. 'Jamie's been so nice to me. I have to trust her. I have to.' She slowly waked the dead with her Suefulness into the room and sat next to Jamie on the bed. "Are you gay, Jamie?" Caitlin asked.
Amanda looked at Jamie as if to say now what?
...Yes? Say now WHAT?
Jamie bit her lip and looked at Amanda. "Amanda, can I talk to Caitlin alone for a little bit?"
Amanda rose from her bed, grabbed her nightclothes OXFORD COMMA and headed to the bathroom. Once she had closed the door behind her, Jamie turned to Caitlin wondering just what to tell her. She didn't want to lie to the young girl, but apart from Alex, only her dorm mates knew of her lifestyle. The last thing she wanted was for it to scare Caitlin away. Suddenly her father's words, telling her to trust her instincts
Elbe: COMMA! And the Jedi want their corny phrases back.
A Thousand Children's Tripe-Filled Books: Not just the Jedi.
came back to her. In the end she decided to trust them, hoping that they didn't let her down for the first time.
But of course, a Sue's instincts are ALWAYS right!1!!!1!!
"Caitlin, I am not gay," Jamie proclaimed. "I have gay friends, but I am 100% heterosexual.
Ooh, yes, the standard-issue "I'm not a homophobe! Not one at all! But I'm TOTALLY STRAIGHT!" speech. *rolls eyes*
What is it with authors OBVIOUSLY getting off on the same-sex action, yet wildly denying it whenever it comes up? ...You know, I thought it was only guys, until I remembered Cassandra Claire, she of the "DRACO IS NOT AT ALL GAY, YOU LOT [he's just Harry's soulmate]" speech. -_-;; *sigh*
Do you know what a naturist is?"
"No, not really," Caitlin answered. "Does it have something to do with nature?"
"Caitlin, I'm a nudist." Caitlin's jaw dropped slightly and she hung her head realizing she had just call Jamie weird.
Huh?
Also - THREE EFFING BETAS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! How DUMB do you think we are, Neil?!
Jamie continued. "I've been a naturist or nudist, take you pick,
*crazed giggle* Will do! *swings ice pick around*
ever since I can remember. At home my parents and sister never wear clothes. We find it more comfortable, more natural for orgies. When I first came to Hogwarts I was miserable here
Elbe: WITHOUT ANY COMMAS, YES.
because I had to wear clothing all the time, even to sleep.
Strip down to underwear, you dumb little bint. And if you have to go ALL the way, just pull the covers over your head and get up early. Sheesh.
Fortunately my dorm mates discovered my secret and found it in their hearts to allow me to be nude in the dorm."
Dorm-mates: More like she sparkled at us until we gave in.
"So you and Amanda aren't lesbians? You were just sitting talking. She had clothes on, but you were more comfortable naked?"
"That's correct," Jamie acknowledged.
"If one of your dorm mates had walked in, you would have just kept talking, correct? Why did you cover up for me?"
"Most people have difficulty accepting our lifeNOSPACEstyle. Even though we're the ones without clothes they become all disturbed and uncomfortable.
Yes, that's because having private parts waving in their faces is kind of uncomfortable, you selfish fucktards.
I didn't want to embarrass you, so I put my robes on, but you got in the door a little too swiftly - too swiftly for me to even include a period!"
Caitlin hadn't been able to take her eyes off Jamie's breasts.
AND SHE'S UTTERLY STRAIGHT. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
"They're beautiful. Do you think I'll ever have breasts as full and beautiful as yours?"
HahahahahahahahaTOTALLLYSTRAIGHTYEAHSUUUUUUUURE. Yeaaaaaaaaaah.
She looked down at her chest. "I'm as flat as a board."
"I want to show you something," Jamie said as she walked over to her dresser and opened the second drawer. She removed a picture and brought it back to the bed. "This is a picture of my family taken at Cap D'agde the summer before I started Hogwarts. I'm the skinny 'flat as a board' one on the left. Neil liked me a lot more back then. As far as you are concerned, you're beautiful already and will become more beautiful every year." Jamie put her hand on her breast. "You don't want breasts this big, they have a tendency to get in the way of Neil's fantasies."
Caitlin smiled as she looked at 10-year-old Jamie waving to her from the picture.
"Jamie, gay?QUOTATIONMARK Emily said in disbelief. "She could be a poster girl for heterosexuals."
*kicks Neil in face* She's also a poster girl for SUES, so STFU!
She hesitated and then said sadly, "Could have been� But now, ding dong, the witch is DEAD! Come on! Let's PARTY!"
"I know that now," Caitlin said, "but the first time I walked in on her nude when she was alone with Amanda, I sort of jumped to conclusions."
"Yeah, I guess if anyone saw us they might jump to the same conclusion, and with good reason," Emily sighed. "Did you know they were planning on making love for the first time on Valentine's Day?"
"Jamie and Alex?" Caitlin questioned.
"No, Jamie and Amanda. Turns out my instincts were right allllll along. Yeah! Now instead she is being buried. I don't think Alex will ever be the same," Emily commented.
Man, you girls are so emotional and affected, aren't you? Sooooooooooooo disraught...
"I don't think any of us ever will be the same without her," Caitlin added. "Jamie always left a lasting effect on people whose lives she touched. Many of them drowned themselves on the spot in the nearest body of water, screaming "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!"."
* * * * * *
Monday, February 14, 2005 10:00 A.M.
"How are the girls doing?" Harry asked, as Hermione slipped back into their bedroom and closed the door.
"For the moment they seem to be holding together, but I doubt any of us will be able to last long once the choir starts singing," Hermione said.
WHAT choir? ...Oh, the one singing praises to God for the Sue's death? Can I sign up? :D
"What about Alex?" Harry inquired.
"I don't think he's stopped crying for more than ten minutes at a time - just long enough to jerk off, you know," Hermione answered. "He's dressed and ready for the ceremony, but just keeps sitting on the bed, clutching Jamie's pillow and staring at her picture and jerking off frantically."
"I did a lot of that last winter when you were kidnapped," Harry said understandingly,
All right, now I'm very sorry I made that comment. D8
"but I at least had hope you'd make it back to me. His hope is lost and about to be buried."
"Well, that never stopped anyone in this fandom," Hermione said, a tad condescendingly. "You have to remember -"
Harry looked ill. "You just HAD to remind me of that me/my father's corpse fic, DIDN'T you?"
"There's a reason we didn't get married in canon, Harry. You have far too low a pain tolerance."
"And Ron?"
"Honestly, after he's endured all of what he gets in badfic without ending up in Saint Mungo's for good, you can even ask?"
"Professor Granger, Professor Potter, may I speak please?" the mirror asked, tentatively.
"Sure."
"Please," it spoke.
"Certainly, Mirror," Hermione answered. "You should know by now that it isn't necessary for you to ask permission. We consider you part of the family."
*SNERK* Does she ask it if she's the fairest in the land, perchance?
{snip, apparently Jamie was Not Destined To Die On That Day. Ook.}
"But she did die," Harry said, tears threatening to burst from his eyes. Both angered and confused, his voice shook. "Are you saying� that someone deliberately went back in time� and altered the events of that day� and caused Jamie's death? Who would do such a thing?"
I dunno, but let's give 'em a medal! :D
"That is one possibility," the mirror admitted. "The other would be that someone failed to prevent the tragedy."
"That makes no sense, Mirror," Harry said pointedly.
"Yes it does," Hermione said fearfully. "You and I have done it; we've prevented tragedy. In our third year we went back in time and saved both Buckbeak and Sirius."
"Yes, but we had a Timer Turner
A WHAT?! *laughs hysterically* Three betas, blokes an' girls! THREE BETAS!
then," Harry said impatiently. "If we had one at our disposal on Saturday we could have gone back and prevented Jamie death,
No, no, Jamie death is GEWD. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
but we didn't."
"But what if we did, and didn't use it!" Hermione said horrified, bursting into tears. "Harry, I think I'm responsible for Jamie dying."
...Okay, then let's NOT give you a medal. Sorry. It's on principle.
Harry stared at Hermione incredulously as she dashed to their walk-in wardrobe and was promptly eaten by Aslan. started throwing things all over the place.
Finally, she found the object of her search buried behind some shoes and books. She looked at the box nervously as she thought back to her wedding night.
"OUCH! WRONG HOLE, you IDIOT!"
"Harry, what's the matter? What happened? Are you all right?" Hermione asked with concern.
O_o ...Ooooookay, DEFINITELY a case of "wrong hole". To the max.
"Just me being stupid. I should know better than to walk around barefoot in the dark.
Ariana: :B *is being a shark*
Albus: When I told you to stop pretending to be a goat, that isn't what I meant.
Ariana: *considers* ...*CHOMP*
Albus: ABERFORTH, GET HER OFF MY FOOT!
I stubbed my toe on this
Ariana: Floor shark? :D
big box
Ariana: Boy, you have even worse vision than Alby. -_-;; I think I'm going back to being a goat, being a shark is boring... and tastes awful, too...
Albus: *is currently disinfecting the wound*
in the walk-in wardrobe. What's in it anyway? It's been here for months."
"I'm not completely sure. What with the kids and the wedding, I've not finished going through it completely. Minerva gave it to me before she left in February after filling in - said they were things she no longer had use for, but that I might find handy now that I'm teaching.
"If you hurry up and get in bed I'll kiss your toe and make it better."
Hermione hurried to the bed and dumped the contents of the box. There it was, a tiny, sparkling hourglass attached to a very long, very fine gold chain.
Hermione threw herself on the bed and began bawling uncontrollably.
Good grief. Is that ALL she does? ...D'you think it's at all possible she'll die of dehydration? *is hoping*
"Hermione, don't cry," Harry begged. "We can make it right. I can go back."
Hermione shook her head, as she tried to regain a smidgen of self-control.
"It's too late," she wailed. "I had the power to save Jamie in my possession and didn't use it. Time Turners are only supposed to be used for a few hours. Any more, and you need to go in to see a doctor! It's now nearly forty-eight!"
"We can still try," Harry insisted.
"You don't understand," Hermione tried to explain between sobs. "It's different. When I had my Time Turner in third year, I read that the further back you go, the more careful you have to be. A few hours is fairly safe, but beyond that, you really have to mind what you are doing. A perceivably insignificant act can theoretically create a cascading effect that could cease your existence. Even if we were able to prevent her death and manage to not wipe ourselves out, we'd be drastically affecting time; time we've actually lived. We'd be changing something that happened two days ago and certainly wiping out our present."
That's NOT HOW TIME-TURNERS WORK. They create a CLOSED LOOP. Remember, Harry was SAVED in the PoA timeline by his future self BEFORE he went back. *facepalm* I. D. I. O. T.
(To be fair, I HAVE considered a Time Turner as a plot device in this fashion... But it was a super-special one-of-a-kind Albus-Dumbledore-himself-modified Time Turner souped-up specifically for the purpose of changing the past [having Harry end Tom Riddle before he could become Voldemort, though Harry decided to use it for an entirely different purpose], so it made sense that it might work differently.)
"I have to try," Harry said. "We can't correct an error by doing nothing."
"You're right," Hermione agreed, "but it's me that's going back in time, not you. Minerva gave me the turner Time Turner, and I left it unpacked. I as good as killed Jamie."
*sigh* Damn it, Neil, why do you even have to ruin the handing-out of Sue-killer medals?
"You forget," Harry said, compellingly, "that you and I made a pledge to each other that we wouldn't run off and get killed alone. Whatever we do, we're doing it together."
It sucked in Eldest, it sucked here. "Oh, we're not going to save ourselves! We're going to suicide TOGETHER! :D"
{snip, they inform Emily of what they're going to do}
"Isn't that verging on dark magic?" Emily inquired.
Hermione nodded her head. "Usually yes, but not in this case.
(Hermione) Because we're SPESHUL!
The mirror - oh, hell - Neil informs us that Jamie should not have died. This current timeline should not exist. Either someone went back in time and caused Jamie's death
The sporker who did it gets a prize beyond measure! :D
or someone who was supposed to prevent it failed to do so. We intend to make time exist as it should,
Hey, this one seems pretty good to me. ;)
but what we propose to do is not without risk. A Time Turner is not intended for use over such a long period of time, plus we are changing the thread of time.from which we exist. We could be lost in time, neither a part of this thread or the one we hope to create. We could conceivably cease to exist."
EVEN BETTER!!! :DDDDDDDDD
"Then don't do it," Emily pleaded. "I love Jamie. I'd give almost anything for her not to have died, but I can't bare
Freudian typo?
to lose you both, too - like I'm losing my punctuation!"
"Neither can I," Caitlin begged. "We both love you. In a totally platonic way."
"Let me go instead," Alex beseeched. "The girls need you and without Jamie, my life isn't worth living."
It wasn't worthy living anyway, Boyfriend-Stu.
Harry shook his head no. "You're our student," Harry said. "We couldn't allow you to take such a risk. Besides, there are many who place great value on your life. Have you seen the rewards offered for your head on a platter?"
Harry then looked lovingly at his daughters. "Your Mum and I would never leave you on purpose. Except right now. We feel there is a good chance of succeeding, or we wouldn't be attempting this."
Hermione gathered the girls to her and gave them both a hug, followed by a kiss. "There is always the chance that something could go wrong. We didn't want to risk the possibility of just disappearing and you never knowing what happened."
"Will we remember this conversation?" Caitlin asked apprehensively. "Hopefully, no," Hermione answered. "From what I have read - in theory at least - if we succeed, this timeline will cease to exist and everything will be back to noon on Saturday for you. Unfortunately, all the cartoons will be over. You shouldn't remember us talking to you now because you never lived it.
QUOTATIONMARKIf we fail to change the timeline, however, you probably will, unfortunately, remember this conversation. In the worst-case scenario, we cease to exist
HOORAH!
and will seem to just disappear before your eyes. You will be aware of what happened and your lives will continue. You'll bury Jamie, and Ron and Sam will take care of you. But we intend to be as careful as possible so that does not happen. Should we fail but manage to make it back here anyway, we will simply seem to return a few minutes from now.
Harry and Hermione both kissed the girls and hugged Alex.
Hermione,
Elbe: *GASP* It's a SURVIVOR! Come here, come here, I'll take you to freedom! You poor little thing... There, there, Elbe loves you... *cradles comma tenderly*
Roy: ...So, do we tranquilize her now that she's off-guard?
Richard: She's your sister.
Roy: Right, fine, so you want her to keep twitching, giggling, and, to sum up, acting like she's more unbalanced than Bella Swan. Right. Got that.
Richard: ...Let me think about it.
then fumbled with the neck of her robes, and pulled from beneath them the very long gold chain. She threw the chain around Harry's neck too and then turned over the sparkling hourglass hanging from it forty-eight times as Harry counted.
* * * * * *
The room was then empty. It was eleven o'clock on the previous Saturday.
"It looks like we made it back to Saturday," Harry said, relieved.
"Yes," Hermione said sighing. "Now I wish we had given ourselves a little more time, but forty-eight hours already seemed extremely long."
"Our first course of action is to get to Diagon Alley," Harry said. "Should we fly off Hogwarts grounds and then Apparate, or would you prefer I create at Portkey.org?"
"Considering my current situation, I'd prefer a train ride," Hermione said, "but I imagine that's not an option. I don't feel at ease Apparating under my present condition. Could you fashion a Portkey? It also most likely affords us the best chance of not being seen with any punctuation."
"That's probably our best option," Harry said. "Besides COMMA we'd be wasting valuable time flying off grounds in order to Apparate.
Harry walked over to the rubbish bin and gave it a slight tap with his wand, causing it to immediately regurgitate a dented beverage can. it burped and slurred, "Greaaaaaa' beer, man."
"That was being used as a makeshift urinal, by the looks of it," Harry said, trying not to look too closely.
The rubbish bin clunked up, then down in a sort of shrug. "Eh, tastes th' same."
"Should we Portkey directly to Diagon Alley?" Harry asked.
"We don't have much choice," she murmured. "Since the girls have our Invisibility Cloak.
Random sentence fragments for the lose.
We'd better get as close to our destination as possible. I just hope we aren't seen."
Harry laid the can on the kitchen counter, pointed his wand at it OXFORD COMMA and muttered, "Portus." The can glowed blue and trembled noisily for a few seconds, making oddly orgasmic noises, and then became still.
"Are you ready," Harry said. It was not a question.
"We're ready," Hermione said, placing one hand on her pregnant belly
Oh, she's pregnant? ...Oh, yeah, that's right. Funny, Neil hasn't mentioned it in all the time he's been pontificating on the Wonders of Naked Dead Jamie...
and the other on the can that Harry was already clutching.
"On three then," Harry said placing his free arm tightly around Hermione's waist. "One�two�three�"
It happened immediately: Hermione felt she would be sick as what seemed like a invisible hook pulled from behind her navel and jerked her irresistibly forward. It was a Death Baby, courtesy of Breaking Dawn. As her feet left the ground, she could feel Harry griping about how he really wanted to be back home, ogling Tom Riddle Gellert Grindelwald Sirius Regulus Percival Dumbledore Ginny instead of all these hairless bints her tightly around the waist; they were speeding forward in a howl of wind and swirling color. They were being pulled onward as if being magnetically sucked toward a target and then-
Her feet touched the ground as Harry released his grip. "Nice landing, Mr. Potter," Hermione said, before quickly surveying their arrival point.
Harry had deposited them directly in front of Ollivanders. They both looked around to see if anyone had noticed their arrival. Fortunately, this end of the street was sparsely occupied, and their arrival had apparently gone unnoticed. Harry and Hermione held each other tightly as they stared at the display window of the shop, much like a young couple window-shopping for engagement rings.
"Do you see any sign of them yet?" Hermione asked.
"No," Harry answered. "I think we have a few minutes yet. We better get away from the shop."
"Over there," Hermione said, indicating a narrow passageway between two shops on the other side of the street. "We should be able to observe from there undetected."
They waited until no one was nearby and then crossed over to the unobtrusive passageway.
"Have you given any thought as to how we'll stop them from entering the shop? Hermione asked.
"I was in charge of transportation," Harry said, clutching Hermione's hand. "I was leaving that up to you."
"Well," Hermione said with a little thought. "Didn't Alex say that Mr. Ollivander was about to go to lunch? I could do a locking charm and conjure an 'out to lunch' sign for the door just prior to Jamie and Alex arriving."
"That should do the trick," Harry said confidentially. "If we can keep them out of the shop until after the clock has sounded twelve, the timeline will have been changed."
Hermione looked apprehensively into Harry's green eyes. "And then we'll find out what happens to us."
"Are you having second thought?" Harry asked. "I wonder if learn speak English better help me."
"No " Hermione said, certainly. "I'm still worried about us altering time this far back, but whatever the consequences; I'm ready to take them."
"Here they come," Harry said interrupting Hermione. "Will you look at the two of them? Have you ever seen two people so obviously in love with never using punctuation properly for two paragraphs at a time."
"Not since I last glanced at you and me in a mirror," Hermione said, grasping Harry tightly as with her other hand she drew out her wand. She first performed a locking charm and then magically changed the wording on the window sign from 'OPEN' to 'OUT TO LUNCH.'
"I love you Harry," she said, looking nervously into his eyes. "No matter what happens, never forget that I love you and always will."
Harry held Hermione tightly, wondering if he should be more concerned. Was there something she hadn't told him? They clutched each other tightly as they watched Jamie and Alex approach the door and notice the sign but still try to gain entry..
Alex checked his watch and then after shaking his head in frustration, grabbed Jamie's hand and led her down a sheltered path that went by the side of the shop.
"All we have to do now is wait for the clock to chime," Hermione said, her body quaking.
"I wish there was a way we could have prevented the destruction of Mr. Ollivander's shop," Harry sighed, "but without the Invisibility Cloak, there was simply too much chance of being seen."
"Mr. Ollivander!" Hermione shouted in panic as the clock began to chime twelve. "Alex said he was in the backroom when they came into the shop. With them not entering the shop, he's had no reason to leave it. Harry, by saving Jamie we've killed Mr. Ollivander! But who cares about him? He isn't SPESHUL."
Harry didn't hesitate. He released his grasp on Hermione and began to dart toward the shop.
"NO! HARRY!," she screamed, lunging for him, but instead of grabbing him and stopping his progress, her arm passed through his body as if he were a ghost. Hermione found herself lying in the street watching helplessly as Harry, still running toward the shop, faded out of existence.
She reach out and squeezed her wrist tightly; it unquestionably felt solid. WHY! Why if Harry had faded out of existence was she still here. Whatever the consequences of their action, they were supposed to be together.
Don't rejoice yet... Neil's a Sue-loving bastard. T_T
End of Chapter 21
Thank you to Amber, Paul and Peter for their beta work on this chapter.
THEY'RE JUST VOICES IN YOUR HEAD, NEIL. The grammar proves that if nothing else.
Also thank you to everyone that reviewed chapter 20. I didn't count, but I believe chapter 20 recieved the most reviews of any chapter I have written. I guess that means I have to kill off more people.
Oh, if only.
From the next chapter:
Then suddenly she felt as though the very ground on which she'd been lying had been pulled out from underneath her quite violently, and she felt herself falling, tumbling through space and blackness. Her mind was crying out through the void, Help me!
A good ending for the entire series, yeah? Jamie gets wiped out, Harry and Hermione get wiped from existence by a time warp, and the Sues are left to the tender mercies of Ronald "Sporker God" Weasley... Yep, a happy ending.
THE END.
...Only NOT, sadly enough.
Harry and Hermione, as it turns out, just got yanked back to where we got the splendid announcement Jamie was dead; now, she's alive, and she and Alex saved Ollivander (gad, what Sues). Hermione replaces Ron in the original-timeline version of events (AAAAAAAAAH! Neil's a cousin of Steve Kloves!). And so things go until the conversations with the mini-Sues... until next time.
END SPORKING OF CHAPTER 21
...Yeah, if the Dumbledore backstory gets mangled in the movies (I'm probably going to watch the HBP and DH movies, due to my Unified Theory of Insane Wizards And Witches coming from those books :B), you will probably see me ranting here. :P (If there's Grindeldore subtext, I will have to try very hard to avoid cheering in front of my parents [if I'm watching the DH movies with them]... XD;;)
Back to the spork! (Still dumping on the NSFWness, by the way. ...The crushing boredom is the worst part of this fic, so...)
* * * * * *
"We were always so close, but these last few months we didn't get to spend nearly as much time together in bed. I can't even remember the last time I told her that I loved her with my naked body," Emily said, hugging her tearHYPHENsoaked pillow as she and Caitlin lay on their separate beds, now pushed together. "Now I'll never have the chance again."
"I know you wish you had put it into actual words," Caitlin said reassuringly, caressing her friend's pert arse. "but Jamie knew how you felt about her. You have a marvelously expressive tongue."
"I feel all alone in the world," Emily sobbed in pleasure. "First my parents are taken from me by Social Services and now, less than a year later, my sister. My family is completely gone. Damn it, only they knew all my sensitive spots!"
"I know the feeling," Caitlin said. "The worst years of my life were spent in that orphanage. Not that they were cruel in any way to me, because they weren't, and they were quite good in bed, in fact, but I was just a number; unloved and unwanted. My life only started when I met Jamie."
*spittake* Wait, I didn't mean the subtext SERIOUSLY! D:
Jamie escorted the girls up the spiral staircase and into their dormitory, staying to help them get settled in as the cameras began to roll. "Now, girls, remember to give our audience a good view... they're risking jail time for this, after all." She was about to depart when a timid voice called her name in ecstacy. It was always the quiet ones. "Jamie, may I speak with you?"
Jamie went over and sat on the edge of the girl's four-poster bed. "What is the problem?" she tenderly inquired in a seductive voice.
"Jamie, I'm frightened to close my eyes and go to sleep. I have these dreadful dreams about this creep named Neil and I sometimes wake up screaming. The other girls will think I'm peculiar and not want to be my friend with benefits."
Jamie looked at the desperation to get laid in the little girl's heartbreaking, but beautiful face.
I'M JOKING ABOUT THE SUBTEXT, NEIL. D8
Suddenly she had an inspiration. "I think I know someone who can be of aid in helping you sleep well again and feel safer. His name is Mr. Strap-On. Put on your slippers and come downstairs to my dormitory, and I'll introduce you to him."
"Him? How can some boy help me sleep better?" The girl questioned. "Shouldn't I get dressed? What's a boy doing in your dormitory? I thought we were filming only girl-on-girl action?"
Jamie held back a giggle as she smiled. "I don't have a boy in the dormitory. It's not that sort of he. You'll understand when you see him. Just a warning, though - he's awfully big." She leered at Caitlin, who suddenly felt very nervous.
They entered the empty room and went over to Jamie's bed, which was on the far wall next to the window. "Pureheart, I'd like you to meet someone," Jamie said.
There lying at the end of Jamie's bed was a tiny unicorn about the size of a small dog. "Oh! He's beautiful. Is he real? May I touch him?" Caitlin implored.
Jamie whispered in Caitlin's ear. "He's not real, but he thinks he is. Pureheart is a toy stuffed Unicorn that has been charmed to life. He has all the qualities of a real unicorn.
*has sudden urge to dunk head in acid*
...My... effing... gad... Sparklypoo... Sparklypoo... SPARKLYPOO... Get it AWAY... DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 DX D8 (where the preceding sequence actually represents the faces I made as I stared at that bit...)
As for whether you can touch him or not that is a decision unicorns make based on your purity.
(Unicorn) A SUE! *stabs horn through Sue's chest*
You'll have to let him approach you and see."
Caitlin looked nervously at Jamie and then at Pureheart. Will a unicorn consider me pure after what happened this summer?
See, considering that Caitlin was brutally molested during said summer, this would be an opportunity for plot and character development in the hands of a better author. ...This is Neil, though.
What will Jamie think of me if Pureheart doesn't let me touch him? She'll think I'm some tart that had underage sex.
Considering that you're all of ELEVEN YEARS OLD, I don't THINK so.
Pureheart was pawing at Jamie's pillow as if encouraging her to come to bed.
O_o D:
"Where did you get him?" Caitlin asked.
"My dad bought Pureheart for me the year before I started Hogwarts. I was having bad dreams about a revolting guy who attacked me after a Quidditch game. If it hadn't been for my Knight in shining armor, sans consistent capitalization, he would have in all probability, raped and killed me."
Caitlin looked at Jamie as tears came to her eyes. Someone I can finally talk to about what happened. Someone who will understand how it felt. "I wish a Speshul Capitalized Knight had been there for me," Caitlin whispered quietly.
Jamie's jaw dropped in shook. "Caitlin, were you raped?"
"Technically I suppose some people wouldn't consider what happened to me rape, but it wounded me just as much and the nightmares are just as dreadful."
Jamie held Caitlin's hand as she was told the entire story of what had happen during the summer. Someone set her up the bomb. The only detail left out was the perpetrators
*sigh* APOSTROPHES ARE GOOD FOR YOU. -_-;;
name.
Of course, Jamie knew it was the Mould-On-the-Wold Child Molestors' Association, randomly sexually attacking little girls in fanon so as to create DRAMAZ because only sexual molestation, and not just plain old beatings, can provide sufficient ANGST.
Jamie gasped in horror as Caitlin told her about how she was tied up and left to die.
"I pleaded for her to stop, but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't do anything," Caitlin told her, reliving the horrible ordeal as she did. "I kept insisting beatings or verbal abuse would do fine for trauma, but she insisted it was a new Union rule. Something about 'We know, but the fandom insists, just look at Ariana Dumbledore'..."
They sat there silently for a few minute;
Neil speaky English REAL goody.
Elbe: *is commatose* *that is not a typo*
Jamie with her arms tightly around Caitlin. "Do you think Pureheart will let me touch him or am I soiled because of what happened?" Caitlin asked, tears still filling her eyes.
"I don't know how Pureheart will react, but you certainly aren't soiled, except by your Sueness. We can only hope. Come sit on the bed so he can decide."
As soon as Caitlin sat down Pureheart approached her and titled his head,
(Pureheart) I call you... Sir Purehead! :D *attempts to befriend his head*
(Jamie) ...Uh, yeah, now's a good time to tell you that the animation spell didn't QUITE go right...
(Caitlin) O_o
as if he were examining Caitlin closely. The tiny unicorn had a strange questioning look on his face. He took a few steps closer and sniffed the air, as if he was trying to work out something. His tiny head lifted after a second and when Caitlin looked at him, she could see tears falling from his eyes. Pureheart licked Caitlin's cheek and then curled up on her lap.
Jamie smiled. "Would you like Pureheart to keep you company for a while?"
Caitlin looked at Jamie. "Could he, you'd really let him stay with me?"
"Pureheart knows where he's needed.
*GAGGAGGAG*
He'll keep those nightmares away. Just bring him to visit me occasionally." Pureheart jumped to the floor as Caitlin threw her arms around Jamie's neck.
Jamie walked Caitlin back to her dorm and tucked her in bed while Pureheart took his accustomed position at the foot of the bed. Jamie knew she would miss the tiny unicorn, but right now Caitlin required him a good deal more than she did.
I need to puke. Sap overdose TO THE MAX. *RETCHES*
"What will we ever do if anything happens to Harry and Hermione?" Emily asked with a panic stricken tone.
Rejoice?
"I don't know," Caitlin answered, the mere thought giving her the chills. . "It doesn't seem possible that a person could grow to love someone in a year's time as much as I love them. Aren't Love Potions a wonderful thing? They are my Mum and Dad, and I couldn't love them more if they were my actual birth parents."
"They both love you a lot," Emily said.
"Not any more than they do you!" Caitlin argued.
...Huh? What's the arguing abot?
"Actually sometimes I think you're Dad's favorite."
Elbe: Well, commas certainly aren't... *twitch*
"I love it when he holds me on his lap," Emily confessed.
D:
"Caitlin, do you think I might be gay?"
"Why would you ask that?" Caitlin asked disbelievingly. "No, no, we only have Loving, Sisterly, ENTIRELY PLATONIC Hugs ((c) Kieran Halcyon). Not gay at all."
"Because I like it when you hold me, " Emily admitted. "I feel all warm and loved."
"It makes me feel good, too," Caitlin agreed as she moved from her bed to Emily's and they "hugged" each other, "But it has nothing to do with being gay.
Gellert: Oh, no, feeling good ven hugging your best friend of the same sex ven both of you are naked has nothing to do vith being gay at ALL.
When I have dreams at night, it's not you I see doing things to me.
Albus: *under his breath* ...Well... I do still see Elphias in those dreams, sometimes... ...The one with both of them at the same time was rather nice indeed... 8)
Gellert: Vot?
Albus: Oh - ah - nothing, Gellert! Nothing! *whistles*
Guardian's Song: More seriously, do most girls have sex dreams by twelve? And even if so, do we need to hear about it? D:
Did Jamie ever tell you that I once thought she was gay?"
"Jamie its Caitlin. Can Pureheart and I come visit?" Caitlin called through the door.
Jamie and Amanda looked at each other.
"Sure
Elbe: *awakens from commatose state* Why does Neil hate the commas so?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! DDDDD8
come on in." Jamie reached for her robe, but Caitlin opened the door before she had it completely on and closed.
Jamie could tell by how quick Caitlin's face turned red that she was embarrassed. But when she noticed the first year start looking back and forth between herself and Amanda, Jamie started to worry about what conclusion Caitlin was jumping to, especially considering her revelations the night before.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you�. I'm sorry, I'll come back later."
"No, please Caitlin don't go.
Elbe: (Jamie) At least not without giving us any commas! D:
Come in. Its not what you think."
Elbe: (Jamie) It's not an apostrophe, either!
Jamie rush to the door
THREE. BETAS. THREE.
and grabbed Caitlin's hand. "Please, let me explain. I wouldn't lie to you. Please don't go."
Initially Caitlin tried to slip out of Jamie's grasp, but then she stopped. 'Jamie's been so nice to me. I have to trust her. I have to.' She slowly waked the dead with her Suefulness into the room and sat next to Jamie on the bed. "Are you gay, Jamie?" Caitlin asked.
Amanda looked at Jamie as if to say now what?
...Yes? Say now WHAT?
Jamie bit her lip and looked at Amanda. "Amanda, can I talk to Caitlin alone for a little bit?"
Amanda rose from her bed, grabbed her nightclothes OXFORD COMMA and headed to the bathroom. Once she had closed the door behind her, Jamie turned to Caitlin wondering just what to tell her. She didn't want to lie to the young girl, but apart from Alex, only her dorm mates knew of her lifestyle. The last thing she wanted was for it to scare Caitlin away. Suddenly her father's words, telling her to trust her instincts
Elbe: COMMA! And the Jedi want their corny phrases back.
A Thousand Children's Tripe-Filled Books: Not just the Jedi.
came back to her. In the end she decided to trust them, hoping that they didn't let her down for the first time.
But of course, a Sue's instincts are ALWAYS right!1!!!1!!
"Caitlin, I am not gay," Jamie proclaimed. "I have gay friends, but I am 100% heterosexual.
Ooh, yes, the standard-issue "I'm not a homophobe! Not one at all! But I'm TOTALLY STRAIGHT!" speech. *rolls eyes*
What is it with authors OBVIOUSLY getting off on the same-sex action, yet wildly denying it whenever it comes up? ...You know, I thought it was only guys, until I remembered Cassandra Claire, she of the "DRACO IS NOT AT ALL GAY, YOU LOT [he's just Harry's soulmate]" speech. -_-;; *sigh*
Do you know what a naturist is?"
"No, not really," Caitlin answered. "Does it have something to do with nature?"
"Caitlin, I'm a nudist." Caitlin's jaw dropped slightly and she hung her head realizing she had just call Jamie weird.
Huh?
Also - THREE EFFING BETAS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! How DUMB do you think we are, Neil?!
Jamie continued. "I've been a naturist or nudist, take you pick,
*crazed giggle* Will do! *swings ice pick around*
ever since I can remember. At home my parents and sister never wear clothes. We find it more comfortable, more natural for orgies. When I first came to Hogwarts I was miserable here
Elbe: WITHOUT ANY COMMAS, YES.
because I had to wear clothing all the time, even to sleep.
Strip down to underwear, you dumb little bint. And if you have to go ALL the way, just pull the covers over your head and get up early. Sheesh.
Fortunately my dorm mates discovered my secret and found it in their hearts to allow me to be nude in the dorm."
Dorm-mates: More like she sparkled at us until we gave in.
"So you and Amanda aren't lesbians? You were just sitting talking. She had clothes on, but you were more comfortable naked?"
"That's correct," Jamie acknowledged.
"If one of your dorm mates had walked in, you would have just kept talking, correct? Why did you cover up for me?"
"Most people have difficulty accepting our lifeNOSPACEstyle. Even though we're the ones without clothes they become all disturbed and uncomfortable.
Yes, that's because having private parts waving in their faces is kind of uncomfortable, you selfish fucktards.
I didn't want to embarrass you, so I put my robes on, but you got in the door a little too swiftly - too swiftly for me to even include a period!"
Caitlin hadn't been able to take her eyes off Jamie's breasts.
AND SHE'S UTTERLY STRAIGHT. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
"They're beautiful. Do you think I'll ever have breasts as full and beautiful as yours?"
HahahahahahahahaTOTALLLYSTRAIGHTYEAHSUUUUUUUURE. Yeaaaaaaaaaah.
She looked down at her chest. "I'm as flat as a board."
"I want to show you something," Jamie said as she walked over to her dresser and opened the second drawer. She removed a picture and brought it back to the bed. "This is a picture of my family taken at Cap D'agde the summer before I started Hogwarts. I'm the skinny 'flat as a board' one on the left. Neil liked me a lot more back then. As far as you are concerned, you're beautiful already and will become more beautiful every year." Jamie put her hand on her breast. "You don't want breasts this big, they have a tendency to get in the way of Neil's fantasies."
Caitlin smiled as she looked at 10-year-old Jamie waving to her from the picture.
"Jamie, gay?QUOTATIONMARK Emily said in disbelief. "She could be a poster girl for heterosexuals."
*kicks Neil in face* She's also a poster girl for SUES, so STFU!
She hesitated and then said sadly, "Could have been� But now, ding dong, the witch is DEAD! Come on! Let's PARTY!"
"I know that now," Caitlin said, "but the first time I walked in on her nude when she was alone with Amanda, I sort of jumped to conclusions."
"Yeah, I guess if anyone saw us they might jump to the same conclusion, and with good reason," Emily sighed. "Did you know they were planning on making love for the first time on Valentine's Day?"
"Jamie and Alex?" Caitlin questioned.
"No, Jamie and Amanda. Turns out my instincts were right allllll along. Yeah! Now instead she is being buried. I don't think Alex will ever be the same," Emily commented.
Man, you girls are so emotional and affected, aren't you? Sooooooooooooo disraught...
"I don't think any of us ever will be the same without her," Caitlin added. "Jamie always left a lasting effect on people whose lives she touched. Many of them drowned themselves on the spot in the nearest body of water, screaming "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!"."
* * * * * *
Monday, February 14, 2005 10:00 A.M.
"How are the girls doing?" Harry asked, as Hermione slipped back into their bedroom and closed the door.
"For the moment they seem to be holding together, but I doubt any of us will be able to last long once the choir starts singing," Hermione said.
WHAT choir? ...Oh, the one singing praises to God for the Sue's death? Can I sign up? :D
"What about Alex?" Harry inquired.
"I don't think he's stopped crying for more than ten minutes at a time - just long enough to jerk off, you know," Hermione answered. "He's dressed and ready for the ceremony, but just keeps sitting on the bed, clutching Jamie's pillow and staring at her picture and jerking off frantically."
"I did a lot of that last winter when you were kidnapped," Harry said understandingly,
All right, now I'm very sorry I made that comment. D8
"but I at least had hope you'd make it back to me. His hope is lost and about to be buried."
"Well, that never stopped anyone in this fandom," Hermione said, a tad condescendingly. "You have to remember -"
Harry looked ill. "You just HAD to remind me of that me/my father's corpse fic, DIDN'T you?"
"There's a reason we didn't get married in canon, Harry. You have far too low a pain tolerance."
"And Ron?"
"Honestly, after he's endured all of what he gets in badfic without ending up in Saint Mungo's for good, you can even ask?"
"Professor Granger, Professor Potter, may I speak please?" the mirror asked, tentatively.
"Sure."
"Please," it spoke.
"Certainly, Mirror," Hermione answered. "You should know by now that it isn't necessary for you to ask permission. We consider you part of the family."
*SNERK* Does she ask it if she's the fairest in the land, perchance?
{snip, apparently Jamie was Not Destined To Die On That Day. Ook.}
"But she did die," Harry said, tears threatening to burst from his eyes. Both angered and confused, his voice shook. "Are you saying� that someone deliberately went back in time� and altered the events of that day� and caused Jamie's death? Who would do such a thing?"
I dunno, but let's give 'em a medal! :D
"That is one possibility," the mirror admitted. "The other would be that someone failed to prevent the tragedy."
"That makes no sense, Mirror," Harry said pointedly.
"Yes it does," Hermione said fearfully. "You and I have done it; we've prevented tragedy. In our third year we went back in time and saved both Buckbeak and Sirius."
"Yes, but we had a Timer Turner
A WHAT?! *laughs hysterically* Three betas, blokes an' girls! THREE BETAS!
then," Harry said impatiently. "If we had one at our disposal on Saturday we could have gone back and prevented Jamie death,
No, no, Jamie death is GEWD. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
but we didn't."
"But what if we did, and didn't use it!" Hermione said horrified, bursting into tears. "Harry, I think I'm responsible for Jamie dying."
...Okay, then let's NOT give you a medal. Sorry. It's on principle.
Harry stared at Hermione incredulously as she dashed to their walk-in wardrobe and was promptly eaten by Aslan. started throwing things all over the place.
Finally, she found the object of her search buried behind some shoes and books. She looked at the box nervously as she thought back to her wedding night.
"OUCH! WRONG HOLE, you IDIOT!"
"Harry, what's the matter? What happened? Are you all right?" Hermione asked with concern.
O_o ...Ooooookay, DEFINITELY a case of "wrong hole". To the max.
"Just me being stupid. I should know better than to walk around barefoot in the dark.
Ariana: :B *is being a shark*
Albus: When I told you to stop pretending to be a goat, that isn't what I meant.
Ariana: *considers* ...*CHOMP*
Albus: ABERFORTH, GET HER OFF MY FOOT!
I stubbed my toe on this
Ariana: Floor shark? :D
big box
Ariana: Boy, you have even worse vision than Alby. -_-;; I think I'm going back to being a goat, being a shark is boring... and tastes awful, too...
Albus: *is currently disinfecting the wound*
in the walk-in wardrobe. What's in it anyway? It's been here for months."
"I'm not completely sure. What with the kids and the wedding, I've not finished going through it completely. Minerva gave it to me before she left in February after filling in - said they were things she no longer had use for, but that I might find handy now that I'm teaching.
"If you hurry up and get in bed I'll kiss your toe and make it better."
Hermione hurried to the bed and dumped the contents of the box. There it was, a tiny, sparkling hourglass attached to a very long, very fine gold chain.
Hermione threw herself on the bed and began bawling uncontrollably.
Good grief. Is that ALL she does? ...D'you think it's at all possible she'll die of dehydration? *is hoping*
"Hermione, don't cry," Harry begged. "We can make it right. I can go back."
Hermione shook her head, as she tried to regain a smidgen of self-control.
"It's too late," she wailed. "I had the power to save Jamie in my possession and didn't use it. Time Turners are only supposed to be used for a few hours. Any more, and you need to go in to see a doctor! It's now nearly forty-eight!"
"We can still try," Harry insisted.
"You don't understand," Hermione tried to explain between sobs. "It's different. When I had my Time Turner in third year, I read that the further back you go, the more careful you have to be. A few hours is fairly safe, but beyond that, you really have to mind what you are doing. A perceivably insignificant act can theoretically create a cascading effect that could cease your existence. Even if we were able to prevent her death and manage to not wipe ourselves out, we'd be drastically affecting time; time we've actually lived. We'd be changing something that happened two days ago and certainly wiping out our present."
That's NOT HOW TIME-TURNERS WORK. They create a CLOSED LOOP. Remember, Harry was SAVED in the PoA timeline by his future self BEFORE he went back. *facepalm* I. D. I. O. T.
(To be fair, I HAVE considered a Time Turner as a plot device in this fashion... But it was a super-special one-of-a-kind Albus-Dumbledore-himself-modified Time Turner souped-up specifically for the purpose of changing the past [having Harry end Tom Riddle before he could become Voldemort, though Harry decided to use it for an entirely different purpose], so it made sense that it might work differently.)
"I have to try," Harry said. "We can't correct an error by doing nothing."
"You're right," Hermione agreed, "but it's me that's going back in time, not you. Minerva gave me the turner Time Turner, and I left it unpacked. I as good as killed Jamie."
*sigh* Damn it, Neil, why do you even have to ruin the handing-out of Sue-killer medals?
"You forget," Harry said, compellingly, "that you and I made a pledge to each other that we wouldn't run off and get killed alone. Whatever we do, we're doing it together."
It sucked in Eldest, it sucked here. "Oh, we're not going to save ourselves! We're going to suicide TOGETHER! :D"
{snip, they inform Emily of what they're going to do}
"Isn't that verging on dark magic?" Emily inquired.
Hermione nodded her head. "Usually yes, but not in this case.
(Hermione) Because we're SPESHUL!
The mirror - oh, hell - Neil informs us that Jamie should not have died. This current timeline should not exist. Either someone went back in time and caused Jamie's death
The sporker who did it gets a prize beyond measure! :D
or someone who was supposed to prevent it failed to do so. We intend to make time exist as it should,
Hey, this one seems pretty good to me. ;)
but what we propose to do is not without risk. A Time Turner is not intended for use over such a long period of time, plus we are changing the thread of time.from which we exist. We could be lost in time, neither a part of this thread or the one we hope to create. We could conceivably cease to exist."
EVEN BETTER!!! :DDDDDDDDD
"Then don't do it," Emily pleaded. "I love Jamie. I'd give almost anything for her not to have died, but I can't bare
Freudian typo?
to lose you both, too - like I'm losing my punctuation!"
"Neither can I," Caitlin begged. "We both love you. In a totally platonic way."
"Let me go instead," Alex beseeched. "The girls need you and without Jamie, my life isn't worth living."
It wasn't worthy living anyway, Boyfriend-Stu.
Harry shook his head no. "You're our student," Harry said. "We couldn't allow you to take such a risk. Besides, there are many who place great value on your life. Have you seen the rewards offered for your head on a platter?"
Harry then looked lovingly at his daughters. "Your Mum and I would never leave you on purpose. Except right now. We feel there is a good chance of succeeding, or we wouldn't be attempting this."
Hermione gathered the girls to her and gave them both a hug, followed by a kiss. "There is always the chance that something could go wrong. We didn't want to risk the possibility of just disappearing and you never knowing what happened."
"Will we remember this conversation?" Caitlin asked apprehensively. "Hopefully, no," Hermione answered. "From what I have read - in theory at least - if we succeed, this timeline will cease to exist and everything will be back to noon on Saturday for you. Unfortunately, all the cartoons will be over. You shouldn't remember us talking to you now because you never lived it.
QUOTATIONMARKIf we fail to change the timeline, however, you probably will, unfortunately, remember this conversation. In the worst-case scenario, we cease to exist
HOORAH!
and will seem to just disappear before your eyes. You will be aware of what happened and your lives will continue. You'll bury Jamie, and Ron and Sam will take care of you. But we intend to be as careful as possible so that does not happen. Should we fail but manage to make it back here anyway, we will simply seem to return a few minutes from now.
Harry and Hermione both kissed the girls and hugged Alex.
Hermione,
Elbe: *GASP* It's a SURVIVOR! Come here, come here, I'll take you to freedom! You poor little thing... There, there, Elbe loves you... *cradles comma tenderly*
Roy: ...So, do we tranquilize her now that she's off-guard?
Richard: She's your sister.
Roy: Right, fine, so you want her to keep twitching, giggling, and, to sum up, acting like she's more unbalanced than Bella Swan. Right. Got that.
Richard: ...Let me think about it.
then fumbled with the neck of her robes, and pulled from beneath them the very long gold chain. She threw the chain around Harry's neck too and then turned over the sparkling hourglass hanging from it forty-eight times as Harry counted.
* * * * * *
The room was then empty. It was eleven o'clock on the previous Saturday.
"It looks like we made it back to Saturday," Harry said, relieved.
"Yes," Hermione said sighing. "Now I wish we had given ourselves a little more time, but forty-eight hours already seemed extremely long."
"Our first course of action is to get to Diagon Alley," Harry said. "Should we fly off Hogwarts grounds and then Apparate, or would you prefer I create at Portkey.org?"
"Considering my current situation, I'd prefer a train ride," Hermione said, "but I imagine that's not an option. I don't feel at ease Apparating under my present condition. Could you fashion a Portkey? It also most likely affords us the best chance of not being seen with any punctuation."
"That's probably our best option," Harry said. "Besides COMMA we'd be wasting valuable time flying off grounds in order to Apparate.
Harry walked over to the rubbish bin and gave it a slight tap with his wand, causing it to immediately regurgitate a dented beverage can. it burped and slurred, "Greaaaaaa' beer, man."
"That was being used as a makeshift urinal, by the looks of it," Harry said, trying not to look too closely.
The rubbish bin clunked up, then down in a sort of shrug. "Eh, tastes th' same."
"Should we Portkey directly to Diagon Alley?" Harry asked.
"We don't have much choice," she murmured. "Since the girls have our Invisibility Cloak.
Random sentence fragments for the lose.
We'd better get as close to our destination as possible. I just hope we aren't seen."
Harry laid the can on the kitchen counter, pointed his wand at it OXFORD COMMA and muttered, "Portus." The can glowed blue and trembled noisily for a few seconds, making oddly orgasmic noises, and then became still.
"Are you ready," Harry said. It was not a question.
"We're ready," Hermione said, placing one hand on her pregnant belly
Oh, she's pregnant? ...Oh, yeah, that's right. Funny, Neil hasn't mentioned it in all the time he's been pontificating on the Wonders of Naked Dead Jamie...
and the other on the can that Harry was already clutching.
"On three then," Harry said placing his free arm tightly around Hermione's waist. "One�two�three�"
It happened immediately: Hermione felt she would be sick as what seemed like a invisible hook pulled from behind her navel and jerked her irresistibly forward. It was a Death Baby, courtesy of Breaking Dawn. As her feet left the ground, she could feel Harry griping about how he really wanted to be back home, ogling Tom Riddle Gellert Grindelwald Sirius Regulus Percival Dumbledore Ginny instead of all these hairless bints her tightly around the waist; they were speeding forward in a howl of wind and swirling color. They were being pulled onward as if being magnetically sucked toward a target and then-
Her feet touched the ground as Harry released his grip. "Nice landing, Mr. Potter," Hermione said, before quickly surveying their arrival point.
Harry had deposited them directly in front of Ollivanders. They both looked around to see if anyone had noticed their arrival. Fortunately, this end of the street was sparsely occupied, and their arrival had apparently gone unnoticed. Harry and Hermione held each other tightly as they stared at the display window of the shop, much like a young couple window-shopping for engagement rings.
"Do you see any sign of them yet?" Hermione asked.
"No," Harry answered. "I think we have a few minutes yet. We better get away from the shop."
"Over there," Hermione said, indicating a narrow passageway between two shops on the other side of the street. "We should be able to observe from there undetected."
They waited until no one was nearby and then crossed over to the unobtrusive passageway.
"Have you given any thought as to how we'll stop them from entering the shop? Hermione asked.
"I was in charge of transportation," Harry said, clutching Hermione's hand. "I was leaving that up to you."
"Well," Hermione said with a little thought. "Didn't Alex say that Mr. Ollivander was about to go to lunch? I could do a locking charm and conjure an 'out to lunch' sign for the door just prior to Jamie and Alex arriving."
"That should do the trick," Harry said confidentially. "If we can keep them out of the shop until after the clock has sounded twelve, the timeline will have been changed."
Hermione looked apprehensively into Harry's green eyes. "And then we'll find out what happens to us."
"Are you having second thought?" Harry asked. "I wonder if learn speak English better help me."
"No " Hermione said, certainly. "I'm still worried about us altering time this far back, but whatever the consequences; I'm ready to take them."
"Here they come," Harry said interrupting Hermione. "Will you look at the two of them? Have you ever seen two people so obviously in love with never using punctuation properly for two paragraphs at a time."
"Not since I last glanced at you and me in a mirror," Hermione said, grasping Harry tightly as with her other hand she drew out her wand. She first performed a locking charm and then magically changed the wording on the window sign from 'OPEN' to 'OUT TO LUNCH.'
"I love you Harry," she said, looking nervously into his eyes. "No matter what happens, never forget that I love you and always will."
Harry held Hermione tightly, wondering if he should be more concerned. Was there something she hadn't told him? They clutched each other tightly as they watched Jamie and Alex approach the door and notice the sign but still try to gain entry..
Alex checked his watch and then after shaking his head in frustration, grabbed Jamie's hand and led her down a sheltered path that went by the side of the shop.
"All we have to do now is wait for the clock to chime," Hermione said, her body quaking.
"I wish there was a way we could have prevented the destruction of Mr. Ollivander's shop," Harry sighed, "but without the Invisibility Cloak, there was simply too much chance of being seen."
"Mr. Ollivander!" Hermione shouted in panic as the clock began to chime twelve. "Alex said he was in the backroom when they came into the shop. With them not entering the shop, he's had no reason to leave it. Harry, by saving Jamie we've killed Mr. Ollivander! But who cares about him? He isn't SPESHUL."
Harry didn't hesitate. He released his grasp on Hermione and began to dart toward the shop.
"NO! HARRY!," she screamed, lunging for him, but instead of grabbing him and stopping his progress, her arm passed through his body as if he were a ghost. Hermione found herself lying in the street watching helplessly as Harry, still running toward the shop, faded out of existence.
She reach out and squeezed her wrist tightly; it unquestionably felt solid. WHY! Why if Harry had faded out of existence was she still here. Whatever the consequences of their action, they were supposed to be together.
Don't rejoice yet... Neil's a Sue-loving bastard. T_T
End of Chapter 21
Thank you to Amber, Paul and Peter for their beta work on this chapter.
THEY'RE JUST VOICES IN YOUR HEAD, NEIL. The grammar proves that if nothing else.
Also thank you to everyone that reviewed chapter 20. I didn't count, but I believe chapter 20 recieved the most reviews of any chapter I have written. I guess that means I have to kill off more people.
Oh, if only.
From the next chapter:
Then suddenly she felt as though the very ground on which she'd been lying had been pulled out from underneath her quite violently, and she felt herself falling, tumbling through space and blackness. Her mind was crying out through the void, Help me!
A good ending for the entire series, yeah? Jamie gets wiped out, Harry and Hermione get wiped from existence by a time warp, and the Sues are left to the tender mercies of Ronald "Sporker God" Weasley... Yep, a happy ending.
THE END.
...Only NOT, sadly enough.
Harry and Hermione, as it turns out, just got yanked back to where we got the splendid announcement Jamie was dead; now, she's alive, and she and Alex saved Ollivander (gad, what Sues). Hermione replaces Ron in the original-timeline version of events (AAAAAAAAAH! Neil's a cousin of Steve Kloves!). And so things go until the conversations with the mini-Sues... until next time.
END SPORKING OF CHAPTER 21