Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23: Part 1 of 2
Signs you may be reading FAR too much badfic: you read The Black Heir through in its entirety to recharge for a spork. (Admittedly, I'm planning to "remix" it. Still.)
Anyway!
[LJ is going NUTS on me. I'm posting this before Mozilla crashes and destroys it all, so - if it needs editing, that's why.]
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THE SEER
Jamie dropped her towel and reached for her "wand".
Jamie? Do you have something to tell us?
"You won't need that," said the ghost of a very glum-looking girl sitting cross-legged on the bed.
Well, if her cooter is showing, we know it's Rose Potter.
"I'm just window-shopping for something I'll never have. Hello... You're very pretty, aren't you?."
Jamie let out a girlish shriek and ran down the corridor.
"Thank you," Jamie said timorously.
"Not you!" said the ghost. She pointed to Alex who had hastily wrapped a towel around his waist. "Him!"
Alex let out a girlish shriek and ran down the corridor.
More seriously, she just called him pretty. *snort* (...And excuse me, did she just say she was window-shopping for the male anatomy?)
"You're...you're Moaning Myrtle?" Jamie said. "I've heard tell of you. Don't you haunt one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom on the first floor Neil's dreams, the ones that'res always so sick you wish his libido was permanently out of order?"
"The name is Myrtle," the ghost responded indignantly. "You'd have occasion to moan too if you'd spent the last sixty few years existing in the U-bend of a toilet Neil's wank fantasies."
"You live in a toilet?" Alex questioned unbelievingly.
"All alone, ever since I was killed, Yes, this fic!" she moaned. "There was a nice boy with black hair and glasses that I invited to share my toilet Neil's dreams with me, but he..." She broke into tears. "He ran away, screaming something about bad touches and fetching Dumbledore didn't die in the Chamber of Secrets like I had anticipated he would."
"Are you referring to Harry, Harry Potter?" Jamie asked.
"Yes," Myrtle said dreamily. "Harry was built nice like him."
I hope she means when she spied on him in the bath. Sure, ogling fourteen-year-olds is warped, but not quit so warped as ogling twelve-year-olds.
Myrtle cast voracious eyes at Alex. I caught and voraciously devoured them.
"You wouldn't be planning on dying soon; would you?" she added hopefully.
Myrtle! Climb on board the HMS_STFU! :D (Just don't haunt our toilets.)
"No he wouldn't," Jamie shouted protectively. "Is that all you do? Spy on Hogwarts boys as they bathe." It was not a question.
"No," Myrtle said defensively. "I spy on the girls, too. There isn't exactly a lot for us ghosts to do. I had an affair with Ariana Dumbledore's portrait once. I remember seeing you in the prefect's bath last year. You were only there that once; did I frighten you off?"
"No," Jamie said, the memory of that morning returning. "I simply preferred being with my friends in the dormitory, but I remember that morning and feeling as if I were being watched. I thought that was Neil, though, so I just cast the anti-spooge shields and sighed."
"That was me," Myrtle said, almost proudly. "You're different than most girls. Usually they clutch their towels to their bodies tightly and yell for me to go away. You're talking to me and don't seem remotely embarrassed. Damn it! I get off on scaring people!"
"That's because I'm a naturist," Jamie proclaimed, "so I turn people scaring me into me scarring them."
"I know," Myrtle said woefully, trying to shield her ectoplasmic eyes.
but if I promise to come visit you in the girls' bathroom, would you go away for now? I don't want to be rude, but Alex and I were sort of busy."
"Were you going to have sex?" Myrtle asked breathlessly. "May I stay and watch? It's something I've never seen and something I'll never get to experience. The Fat Friar's gay, the Bloody Baron and the Grey Lady are always having murderous UST, Nearly Headless Nick keeps having his head flop off during foreplay, and Peeves - ugh, let's not mention Peeves."
Jamie hesitated momentarily, feeling very sorry for Myrtle, until she saw Alex's face. There was no way that they could be intimate in front of an audience, even a ghost.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR POOR READERS?!
"Myrtle, sex is something private between two people that are in love.
Rose Potter: BWAHAHAHA! That's what YOU think!
Guardian's Song: Do I have to expose you to Little Miss Mary again?
Rose Potter: D8 EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS. *RUNS*
We couldn't do it with you watching; it would make it seem sordid," Jamie said.
Did you hear me, Rosey?
Rose Potter: *whimpers*
"I promise you though that if you give us our privacy now, I'll come and visit you tomorrow and tell you what it feels like."
Myrtle was reluctant to leave, but decided that a descriptive conversation was better than nothing. After all, it had been pretty good the time Ariana went into exquisite detail about the teenaged Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald. "You won't forget; you promise?" Myrtle practically begged.
"I'll come visit you in your bathroom immediately after my last class," Jamie promised.
"Would it be possible for him to drop the towel before I leave?" Myrtle asked, almost pleaded, with poor punctuation.
"I don't think so," Jamie said. "Alex Neil isn't a naturist. He's rather embarrassed for his privates to be seen because they're so tiny."
As Jamie was speaking, however, Alex did something extremely unanticipated, except by everyone with brains. He loosened his towel and let it drop to the floor. "Myrtle, if it's all right with you, I'd like to come and visit you with Jamie tomorrow," Alex said.
Myrtle stared at Alex, her face carrying an expression that actually resembled a smile (it was a grimace) as she stuttered, "Th... that would b... be nice," before disappearing, with a swooshing sound, down the drain. "I thought it would be bigger!" she wailed from somewhere far away.
Jamie just stood staring at Alex and shaking her head. "You never cease to amaze me Mr. Ward. Then again, he's amazed by me canon-character pies, so maybe he's a bit mad. What possessed you to drop that towel and tell Myrtle you'd accompany me tomorrow?"
"Everyone makes fun of her;
Elbe: *TWITCHTWITCHTWITCH*
calls her 'Moaning Myrtle'." Alex said. "Jamie, she was no older than us when her life was taken from her. She never got to experience love like we have.
And Myrtle thanked Merlin for it.
What if that had happened to one of us?
You would have made Severus Snape disgusted with all your dramatic moaning and wangsting.
And now she's destined to spend eternity in the Hogwarts plumbing system.
"I feel sorry for her. If dropping my towel gave her a smile and made her existence more bearable, I'm glad I did it," Alex admitted unashamedly. "And even if it didn't, I'm still glad. My only regret is that she wasn't younger."
Jamie had a tear in her eye. "Add another entry to the long list of reasons why I love you," she said. "Meet me in the middle of the bed, and I'll show you just how much."
Ron tensed under the bed, waiting for their weight to settle together. In a few moments, he could thrust the Spork of Gryffindor up through the mattress, and show them just how much he hated...
* * * * * *
"Do you suppose they've done it by now?" Hermione asked as Harry held her tightly COMMA! stroking her pregnant belly.
"I'm sure," Harry said. "You and I would be on our third goHYPHENround by now."
Guardian's Song: Remind me, when the appeal of Harmony is the friendly, loving relationship, why is it that the batshit ones amongst the shippers focus so much on the sex?
Albus: My goodness, this is coming from you?
Guardian's Song: Oh, silence. I've never ranted about how non-Grindeldore pairings are OMG TOO SEX-BASED.
"Yes, but Alex might not be a sex maniac like you," Hermione suggested.
"ME! Are you insinuating that you weren't an enthusiastic partner in our sexual antics?"
"No, I'm not saying that," Hermione admitted. "Sex with you will always be on top of my list of favorite activities. It's all I have the brainpower for."Hermione paused briefly and then said.
Elbe: -without a comma? 8))))D
"Harry COMMA! if anything ever happens to me, promise that you'll remarry. I don't want you alone for the balance of your life."
(HE!Harry) Oh, I'll make Hogwarts into a nudist harem, don't you worry.
"Is this a case of 'do as I say and not as I do'?" Harry asked. "If I recall correctly, two years ago you had sentenced yourself to die an old maid.
So had you, idiot.
Besides, I thought we had a pact to die together."
Suicide pacts are ROMANTIC, y'all!
"We do, but something other than battle could take one of our lives. Women sometimes die giving birth Sporkers," she offered as an example.
"That won't happen to you," Harry asserted. "Poppy and Caitlin wouldn't allow it."
Ron let out a mad giggle. They wouldn't allow it, would they? Well, he was a Weasley and a Prewett; the old lines ran strongest in him, and no Sue could deceive or evade him for long. And this lot had made him a werewolf, a sex addict, and a nudist, and saddled him with some bland Sue while stealing away everyone whom he'd ever loved; he would exact a most sparkly-bloody revenge upon them all.
"I know. That was just an illustration," she said. "It's just that you're so young. I wouldn't want you to be alone the rest of your life."
Not "the balance of"! *faints in shock*
"Nor would I you," Harry agreed. "I just don't think it would be fair."
"Fair?" Hermione questioned.
"To marry someone when your heart will always belong to another," Harry said. "I can't picture myself ever holding or kissing another woman without thinking of you and wishing she were you. That wouldn't be fair to her. What woman would want to enter a relationship knowing she would always be second in someone's heart?"
Severus Snape: PRECISELY! PRECISELY! INFORM ALL POSTERS IN SNAPEDOM! ...*being Snape, refuses to applaud*
"One that loves a man very much and is willing to be second choice rather than not be a part of his life at all. Katie Bell is that sort of woman," Hermione confirmed. "Total Snapefen, her."
Harry looked at his wife in a confused manner. "We're not talking about us any more, are we? I mean Katie and I were together for a while during the summer between my sixth and seventh year, but that was more a case of convenience and desire for sexual fulfillment while I was closeted rather than real interest or love. I'm afraid the latter is restricted only to Tom Riddle, Albus Dumbledore, and Gellert Grindelwald. Yes, the Horcrux did warp my preferences, why do you ask?"
"No, I'm not talking about us," Hermione said. "Severus asked my advice, and I didn't know what to tell him to do."
"Then he is seeing Katie; the sly old dog. I thought there was an awful lot of smiling and winking going on between them," Harry said.
"That was grimacing and wincing on his side, actually. He said he sympathized with Lupin about the Tonks situation. He is, and likes her quite a bit, but he can't seem to get over Ginny Lily Evans and move on with his life," Hermione said, sounding rather frustrated with the situation. "He keeps thinking what if...."
"Weird isn't it?" Harry commented. "To my mind there is only one sensible choice. Forget about Ginny Lily, because she'll never be fully over Draco happens to be dead, and go on to someone who loves you beyond a doubt: [insert Snapewife of choice here] Katie. Only problem is that I wouldn't have taken my own advice."
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, looking at Harry disbelievingly.
"Honestly, would YOU marry someone who, nine times out of ten, couldn't find your characterization if it was belly-dancing in front of her? If I had returned to the wizardING world and found you and Ron married, I wouldn't have gotten on with my life and sought out a wife," Harry said truthfully. "I would have been supportive of you and Ron because you were my best friends, but I wouldn't have been able to stop loving you. I think my heart would have broken a little more each time I saw the two of you kiss or hug."
Harry: Because I never could satisfy my odd longings for Tom... *sigh*
"When I was living in the Muggle world, I kept having a recurring dream about you and Ron." Harry said shaking his head.
Elbe: *thousand-yard stare* I... the commas... oh, the commanity...
"At times it seemed so real. The two of you had, of course, married shortly out of school. He was a famous Quidditch player and you were a successful Healer."
Canon!Ron: Right, this is the girl who tore my face apart with a flock of rabid canaries.
Canon!Hermione: It was hardly that bad.
Canon!Ron: Just reminding the fandom which one of us has the canon-documented tendencies to physical abuse.
Canon!Hermione: *punches his arm*
Canon!Ron: Well, we'll be fine just so long as no one knows about the entire restraints and whips thingamajig, right? *pauses* Oops.
Canon!Hermione: Ronald Weasley! You have been a very bad, lazy wizard today...
Canon!Ron: *twitches*
"My parents had always wanted me to be a doctor," Hermione said.
"I know," Harry replied. "That's probably where I got the idea. Anyway, to make a long story short, you both fell out of love and he cheated on you with his agent.
Canon!Ron: Why am I always the one to blame?
Canon!Hermione: Let me guess, this was Lavender Brown.
Canon!Ron: Yeah, I'm just wondering why it wasn't Cormac McLaggen for once.
*pause*
Canon!Hermione: *horrified* You want to - with Cormac M-
Canon!Ron: I meant YOU and McLaggen, not ME!
They ended up getting married and having loads of kids."
"Did you and I eventually get together in the dream?" Hermione asked, kissing Harry's cheek.
"Yes, but I had to chase off to Brazil after you," he said. "You were so obstinate and independent."
*sigh* Edward Cullen-style condescension, just what every relationship needs.
Hermione smiled. "That's why you and I are so good together. You let me be an individual and don't try to direct me, just so long as I don't step out of line."
"Speaking of direction," Harry said, changing the subject. "What course will our lives take if you are unable to convince the governors on Friday to consent to Amanda remaining in school?"
"You know me too well," Hermione said, nestling closer to Harry.
"I don't have any plans to quit my job in protest, if that's what you asking." Then she added, looking dismayed, "Severus doesn't think our chances are very good. The real stumbling blocks will be the crew of the HMS_STFU. Phineas T. Buster and his wife, Balla. They've been on the Board for what seems like over a century of this sporking and both all loathE us change. Severus says Balla is a real prude."
Balla... Buster. *facepalm*
"Does that mean that your pictures and the little detail that we are nudists who feel up little girls will be more of an issue than Amanda being pregnant?" Harry asked.
"ProbablyOh, definitely," Hermione said disgustedly. "Those filthy anti-molestors!"
* * * * * *
"I can't do this!" Ron grumbled. "People are only supposed to be naked when they have sex or take a shower. Not when they sit down to dinner."
Ah, yes, evul-prude!Ron.
"You never seem to have a problem with me being nude the majority of the time," Samantha protested.
"That's because you're a girl, a very attractive girl. Girls look good naked, but it's gay for a guy to parade around like this," Ron argued.
NOOOOO, RONNIE! DON'T BE NEIL'S SI!
...Well, Neil's obviously the one with the severe homophobia problems, so...
"What will Timmy think?
"I don't know," Sam admitted. "I only know that if we're going on this [nudist] cruise [in case anyone's forgotten], you have to start somewhere and being nude at home in front of Timmy and me seems the logical first step."
"Maybe this whole cruise thing was a bad idea. Perhaps we should just forget it and see if we can get our money refunded," Ron suggested.
FIGHT IT, RONNIE! FIGHT IT! *CHEERS*
"Is that what you really want to do?" Sam asked, dejectedly. "I'll have Hermione check into it, if you like."
YES! YES!
One look at the disenchanted expression on Sam's face and Ron realized he couldn't back out, due to Neil holding a gun to his head. "It's just.... Look at me! I'm a tall, scrawny,
Elbe: *transplants comma to correct point*
pile of freckles.
Yeeeeeeeeees. And some of us LIKE tall, scrawny piles of freckles. :D Hmm, for once, the nudist policy in this fic might not be a BAD thing... No, no, must fight the Sue influence, must...
Maybe if I was some Greek Adonis it wouldn't be so bad."
Slashers: Oh, don't worry, Ron Weasley - we can correct that by placing a Greek Adonis on you! :D
"Ron. You're not skinny. I happen to find you extremely handsome.
Don't take the words out of my mouth, Sue.
Besides, being a nudist isn't about having a perfect body, except in Neil's warped fantasies.
Roy: Hey! That's insulting to warped fantasies! *scowls*
Richard: No, it - ...Yes, it is, actually. >_O
There will be people of all ages, sizes and shapes on the cruise. No one will take notice of you."
"Yeah! Sure!" Ron said, not sounding the least bit persuaded. "With my pallid pale, freckled skin *slight, ahem, fangirlish correction to Neil's writing* and bright red hair, it should be effortless for me to just blend in with the crowd. They'll realize I'm a Weasley on the spot! If I make it out with all limbs intact, it'll be a miracle! " Ron just shook his head in a combination of frustration and amazement. "I don't know how Harry does it without random question marks? He hugged you when you were naked at Christmas and didn't seem the least bit disturbed."
"He's become gay due to Horcrux influence desensitized," Sam responded. "Most guys relate female nudity to sex. Harry doesn't anymore because he's become Edward Cullen accustomed to seeing Hermione and the girls naked all the time. After a few hours on the ship, you'll be the same way."
Ron sincerely doubted this. He found it impossible to believe that Sue influence, no matter how strong, could ever overwhelm his Weasley blood he could ever become acclimatized to seeing bare buns and bouncing boobs without having a response. Just the very thought gave him a reaction - just as Timmy came bursting into the bedroom.
"Mum! Daddy's nudie like you and me." Timmy said excitedly. Then his eyes became engorged as they came to rest on Ron's organ.
Little Timmy looked up at his Mum in amazement. "Daddy has a great big wee-wee."
NEIL, GO TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, YOU SICK FUCK!
Sam couldn't help but giggle as Timmy stared in wonder
I HATE YOU, NEIL. I TRULY DO.
at Ron who had turned crimson red and was trying to hide his erection.
Neil, I hope you don't get off on having naked toddlers comment on the enormous size of your prick in real life. Though only toddlers would think it was enormous, I'm sure.
"Yes he does. He most certainly does," Sam said lifting Timmy into her arms and giving him a big hug.
* * * * * *
Friday, February 18, 2005 10:00 AM
"Do you have any idea why the change of location for the meeting?" Hermione asked as Severus and she hurried toward the conference room.
"It was made to sound like it was being done out of deference to you," the Headmaster responded, "but I imagine it's more of a surprise inspection of the school." By sporkers, he thought smugly.
"I'm sorry Severus," Hermione said guiltily.
"Well, I'm disgusted-at-all-of-you-wretched-Sues Severus," Snape replied with a sneer, lifting a spork above his head.
"I didn't mean to make trouble for you. It's just that I couldn't sit idly by and let Amanda be tossed out of school without even trying to prevent it." And I couldn't sit idly by and let you Sues take over the school without even trying to prevent it, Snape thought.
"There's no need for you to apologize," Severus said. "I totally support your viewpoint except for that bit, and this particular, and generally every part of it. I'm just concerned that this meeting may turn out to be more about Professor Granger than Amanda Pierce.
*sigh* You're talking to her, Pod!Snape. Use the second person.
The board was rather backed into a corner and compelled to keep you on after the Playwizard incident. They might see this as an opportunity to vent their frustration against Neil." And I'll do everything in my power to aid them, Snape thought.
"Amanda doesn't have a chance of staying in school, does she?" Hermione asked, aggravation evident in her voice.
"No," said Snape, his grin exposing every one of his crooked yellow teeth.
"I can't believe the Board of Governors would use her to get back at me."
"I doubt they would allow Amanda Sues to remain under any condition," Severus answered silkily. "Phineas Buster Das Mervin and his wife Agent Sands will, however, take great pleasure in making you think the outcome is because of you. It's not. It's because of all of you."
Hermione came to a sudden stop. "If they've already made their decision, why are we wasting our time?"
"Because Hermione, I believe in miracles, and I believe in you," Severus said, putting his arm around Hermione, encouragingly. He wanted to tear himself open with his bare hands, but he had to keep spouting this sickeningly sappy script until he could lure her into Weasley's trap; afterwards, he could go to the Hog's Head and order the strongest drinks Aberforth had. He just had to endure until then. "If anyone can pull this off, it's you."
"I wish I had your faith." In Weasley? Snape thought, doing his best not to roll his eyes. I wish I didn't have to have it.
* * * * * *
12:15 PM
"I believe that concludes all the business before the Board with the exception of the Amanda Pierce issue," Phineas Buster announced. "I move that she be immediately expelled by means of an enraged Ariana Dumbledore. Those in agreement please signify."
The entire crew of the HMS_STFU shouted "Hear! Hear!" and raised their hands, and Amanda Pierce was immediately expelled by a enormous burst of - what else, to properly honor a Suefic? - wandless magic. She was estimated to have reached a height of three hundred feet before her pieces began to fall. The other Sues soon followed, as Ariana had been informed that they had said most blasphemous things about Abby, the goats, and the general proper order of things.
The girl definitely had her uses, Severus Snape thought as he sat under an umbrella, detachedly observing the rain of sparkly blood and perfect body parts from the heavens.
"Excuse me," Severus said interrupting Phineas without a comma, "Aren't we going to discuss the matter first? Professor Granger has been waiting in the outer chamber; only the obstacles the Dark Lord made now stand in her way." Yes, dear readers, the Sues had accomplished the amazing goal of making the Death Eaters and the Order join forces. for over two hours to address the Board on the subject.QUOTATIONMARK
The governors exchanged glances of varying surprise, most seemingly unaware that Hermione was planning to testify as to the wonderfulness of her cooter.
"Yes, I received your owl stating that the learned Professor would like to address us," Mr. Buster said patronizingly. "I really feel it is a waste of our valuable time."
I like him already. He even uses punctuation correctly!
"It most certainly would be," Balla Buster, concurred.
His wife, on the other hand...
"The little trollop got herself pregnant and thus must pay the consequences. Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry, not a school of sin and fornication."
...When a stereotypical strawman Puritan-type is the upholder of canon, it's sad, but ya gotta team up with them For The Greater Good. GO BALLA! Be a "Buster" on Neil's "Balla"s!
"But if Professor Granger has been waiting that lengthy a time to address us, we should at least afford her the respect of listening to what she has to say before 'it' falls off," Amelia Bones urged. "You know that if it keeps up for four hours, she'll have to seek medical attention!"
Much to the chagrin of Phineas Buster, many of the other governors agreed with Ms. Bones.
Poor Bones. If she and her niece aren't strawwomen, they're turned into mindless sycophants in badfic, which is just as bad. *sigh* It's like the Bones line is the inverse of the Weasley line...
"Very well," Phineas said reluctantly. "Headmaster Snape, will you please ask Professor Granger to join us? And pass the spork?"
As Severus stood to go and get Hermione, Phineas commented not the least bit softly to his wife on the weather. "This should be good; the tart defending the trollop."
No, the tarts are the young Sues. I can see how you could get confused, though, seeing as how HE!Harry can't tell Hermione and Jamie apart when he's blindfolded.
As Hermione entered the room, she glanced at the faces of the twelve governors, trying desperately to hide her feeling of total despair. The Dementor stationed near the entrance turned to the Board and, in a garbled, hideous voice, rasped, "You didn't tell me she was a Sue... I shan't stay any longer. I'm not paid enough souls for this."
"Oh yes you goddamn are!" Phineas snapped, pointing an aged finger at the creature; since it was sightless, the gesture was purely ceremonial, but he felt the need to do it anyway.
"Do you jest?" it asked, its deformed voice now sounding annoyed. "You have no comprehension... accursed Sparklypoos, eating one is like swallowing a Patronus. It took Corellon three months to recover; he was crazed and disoriented: he did not terrorize the prisoners, he gibbered about how he wanted to pet the nice black puppy-wuppy in one of the cells, and he spent the majority of the time dancing to Thriller..."
At age fifty, Amelia Bones was easily the youngest board member; she at least acknowledged Hermione with a smile. As introductions were made COMMA! some of the others gave her a polite nod, others simply glanced at her grumpily.
Hermione had immediately recognized Professor Tofty in the leather chaps and Griselda Marchbanks from her O.W.L. tests, now wearing a gimp mask, and was shocked to discover that Neville's grandmother was on the board as well, wielding a cat-o'-nine-tails with expertise. The balance of the members, she had never met before, but they all shared one commonality; they were, for the most part, ancient and rather kinky. Even her Sue eyes were pained by the sight.
"Professor Granger, the Headmaster informs us that you would like to address us prior to our expelling of Amanda Pierce," Phineas Buster echoed in an irate voice. "Please make it brief since it is already past noon and our Metamucil is beginning to take effect."
Hermione had intended to maintain her composure, knowing that it would serve no good purpose to anger the governors, but the way this arrogant bastard
Wait, Albus is here? Where? :D
addressed her made it sound like she was an annoyance and that Amanda was already out.
"Be careful, she musn't catch on," a makeup-plastered Elphias Doge whispered, leaning towards Buster, then settled back to his very comfortable position on a Polyjuiced Albus Dumbledore's lap.
"I'm sorry that you feel I am wasting your time," she said, addressing the entire board, but directing her gaze at Phineas Buster, "but I feel a young woman's future is of more importance than stuffing our faces. I'm sure you can survive." Hermione looked intently at Buster's portly stomach.
Severus grimaced. If only the Sue knew. After a spell gone spectacularly wrong, Phineas had wound up carrying Balla's child. On the bright side, the Buster line, despite what everyone had thought for decades, would not die out. On the not-so-bright side, everyone's minds would carry hideous scars for life. He had doubted that Hermione had any prospect of convincing the board to allow Amanda to remain (they had armored their minds against Sue-influence), but had hoped the meeting would at least be civil. Otherwise, it would take quite some time to clean the sparkly stains off the walls. Evidently, neither Phineas Buster nor Hermione intended to restrain him or herself.
"We have to guard the reputation of the school," Balla Buster said, smugly. "Perhaps Miss Pierce should have been more concerned about her future when she decided to act as foolishly as she did."
"And perhaps Hogwarts should take more responsibility in counseling our students," Hermione said testily. "Muggle schools at minimum offer proper sex education classes. We on the other hand, house our students in adjoining dormitories with no supervision and expect that there will be no fraternization."
Excuse me. Personal asshole-ness time. Fine, you want the school to be run like an insane asylum? Keep them in individual padded rooms to keep them from hurting themselves, getting pregnant, or any of those things? Because, really, there's a logical conclusion to this "We can't hold them RESPONSIBLE *snifflesniffle*" mentality.
Sure, help 'em afterwards, but why must the school be blamed for their apparent inability to use logical thinking? Because, if they can't think logically - if they're such a danger to themselves that we must be blamed for letting them make their own decisions - , get them mental help, because last time I checked, being a danger to yourself and others due to lack of logical thought was the informal criteria for insanity.
I really don't get the idea that the blame lies with the school and not the students. It's a bit like saying the government should be held responsible for everyone who commits suicide because they didn't haul the suicidal people off to nice, padded rooms.
(/asshole)
*sigh* Let me make it clear that I'm very, VERY much for birth control - I'm not suggesting it's GOOD that the students wind up pregnant. I'm not one of those punishment-is-good people. I'm just saying that the responsibility for the act, with regard to consensual, non-coerced sex ultimately lies with the two or more people performing the act, not with the school or whatever else. *winces*
...Please, let me make this VERY CLEAR, I'm not arguing about ANYTHING - what to do next, what should have been done, what the philosophical position on teenage sex should be, all the various social pressures involved and so on - but whose fault it was in the first place. And I was mostly provoked into that by the Sues. It's just a personal gripe. So... sorry! Please forgive me.
"It is the responsibility of the parents to instruct their offspring in such matters, not the school," Phineas said passionately.
Or at least for the offspring to instruct themselves with biology textbooks.
"Our business is witchcraft and wizardry, not sex education, or have you gotten your career and sordid private life confused, Professor Granger?"
Go Phineas! WHOOOOOOOOO! *waves Buster flag*
Hermione was livid. Severus watched her nervously, ready to restrain her if required. It was always so unpleasant when they had to be held down to be sporked. He expected torrents of N3+5P34|< any moment now.
"Phineas!" chided Amelia Bones. "We are here to discuss Amanda Pierce, not assault Professor Granger." That's what YOU think, you little Sue plant, thought Snape.
"Thank you Ms. Bones," Hermione said, leaning her elbows on the table and rubbing her face.
"Thank your Ms. Bones," Snape corrected sharply. "And why should I thank my Ms. Bones? She's been quite annoying recently."
"But its okay.
What's "okay" are you talking about? Harry's okay? Ariana's okay? What's happening to "its okay"?
I'm becoming accustomed to having to defend my lifestyle. If Mr. Buster wants to deride me for being a nudist and for assisting my husband in feeling up little girls, he is welcome to do so, but only after we have finished discussing Amanda.
"Expelling Amanda is taking the easy way out rather than trying to solve a problem.
That's why we're expelling ALL of you, Snape thought, watching a patch of paint on the wall dry.
A problem, by the way, that is only going to grow if not taken in hand.
I'm sure you'd know all about taking "it" in hand, Neil. And no, Neil, it's not going to grow.
"No, we are not their parents, but we have in effect, assumed the roles as their guardians. After age eleven, these students have contact with their parents two months out of the year. Except for holiday breaks and all that, but who's counting? They enter Hogwarts as little more than children and leave here as adults.
"Our primary goal might be to teach them witchcraft and wizardry, but we must also tutor them to be responsible adults. Sex is part of being an adult
Hah. Tell that to monks, nuns, asexuals, and everyone else who doesn't have their brains fused to their crotches.
and as one of my daughters said the other night, 'how are we suppose to know what to do if no one tells us or shows us.'"
Good grief, did she tell you that in a chat-room as you assured her you were just another friendly 13-year-old?
Oh, and -
BIOLOGY TEXTBOOKS!
Thank you.
"They should abstain," Bella Buster bellowed.
Or use birth control.
And now she's Bella! Related to Bellatrix or Bella Swan? (Probably Bellatrix. Bella, in case any of you have escaped the horror of Twilight, is a total horndog who, contrary to the stereotype, is incessantly trying to pressure her extremely reluctant BOYFRIEND into bed instead of the other way around.)
"In my day a young lady never considered having sex before marriage."
Hermione studied Bella, who had to be at least one hundred fifty. "Was yours a prearranged marriage," Hermione asked.
Bella was caught off guard and became flustered. "Well, yes, but what does that have to do with it? Brides were all virgins. Our generation had morals."
"May I ask how old you were when you and Mr. Buster were married?"
Bella dithered before finally saying, "Thirteen."
Considering that in your world, Neil, twelve-year-olds give each other oral sex, your point is moot by your own sick fantasies.
"In your day some young girls were forced into marriage before they had even truly become women. Times have changed, unfortunately for Neil, and even men and women have physically changed since you were married. We have now outlawed prearranged marriages and made consensual sex illegal until age fifteen, but at the same time, children now physically mature sooner.
"The majority of wizards and witches today wait until they are at least in their twenties before marrying. Although the conception of abstaining until marriage might be best, it is also na�ve. Like it or not, we must accept as fact that a large percent of our students will experiment with sex and that many will become sexually active teenagers before they leave our school."
*eyeroll* So, I take it that's a "Yes" to the question of "Should we lock them up, since they might harm themselves?"
Balla Buster and a number of the other governors fidgeted nervously in their seat at this pronouncement.
OBJECTION!
If these were really vicious, cruel straw-man hard-liners? They'd laugh and say "Hey, they deserve what they get".
And if they WEREN'T straw-men (just hard-liners), they'd say, "No, we don't need to accept it; sorry, it goes against our morals." Or "What can be done about this TOTALLY UNDESIRABLE situation?" Neil's wimping out, pathetic bastard that he is. He thinks OMG EVERYONE WOULD AGREE WITH HIM IF THEY ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT. *snort* A tad like the Slytherfen (and, come to think of it, most Suethors) in that respect. It's utterly impossible that other people could have different premises/values than themselves (or if they do, it's a sign they're either insane, evil, or just generally repulsive).
Tell me again, why is it thought that most people possess Theory of Mind?
"Our job is to help our students reach their full potential so that they can successfully make their way in the wizarding world. Denying them an education because they made a mistake is not helping, but rather hurting their chances of succeeding."
Agreed there. However, lumping together several semi-related things and trying to push it all through on the strength of a few is a classic emotional manipulation technique, and I ain't fallin' for it. YOU HEAR ME, NEIL?
Amelia Bones seemed intrigued. "Professor Granger, what do you feel the school should do?" she asked.
"We have to stop living in the past and recognize that many of our students will engage in sexual activity while at school.
Hard-liners: And let experience be a harsh teacher to them. What, you "modern" idiots honestly thought those howwible outdated nasty-wasty traditions were pulled out of the ether?
Again, I'm not agreeing, I'm just saying that Pod!Hermione's so-portrayed eloquent arguments would be shredded by any true hard-liner.
Although we should certainly be encouraging abstention, we should also make students aware that potions are to be had that will prevent pregnancy.
Yesssss...
These should be available to young ladies without question or lecture.
Weeeeeeell, I mean, I'm kind of in favor of the lecture, but I can see as to how that would discourage students (hey, why not risk ruining your life because you're just too thin-skinned to endure a lecture? :D), so... yeah. Fine. Still agreed!
Potions that cure and prevent sexually transmitted diseases should likewise be available to any student."
Yes, Neil, but what does any of this have to do with sex ed?
(The answer: ...The sex ed thing is an excuse for kiddie porn in the next fic. EXPLICIT kiddie porn, with reminiscing about two girls and one boy fondling each others' genitals in a bathroom in great detail. No, I am not kidding.)
"You, Professor Granger, are a disgrace to the teaching profession!" Phineas Buster blasted. "What you propose would have our students running naked in the halls and fornicating at every available opportunity.
Weeeeeeell... Okay, that DOES sound like a hard-liner. Points given.
But then I imagine that would be consistent with your lifestyle."
Actually, it would! :D GO PHINEAS!
Hermione was finding it difficult to remain civil with Buster continually insinuating that she was some sort of low life slag.
Do you really want me to answer that, Pod!Hermione?
"I doubt that very much as I don't consider causal sex
Casual sex, Neil. Causal sex sounds rather ominous - what does it cause?
to be healthy and consider it to be quite the opposite," Hermione answered tersely. "Students should also be counseled as part of a general sexual education curriculum that having sex can have serious emotional ramifications and should not be engaged in lightly or without thought and certainly not without precautions.
*bites down on lips* I will not say anything controversial. I will not. Only that Neil, shove it up your arse, because you're being a flaming hypocrite here. You say one thing, yet you portray merry underage sex everywhere with barely any thought. And I strongly dislike hypocrisy, especially when added to all your other sins.
If these practices were in effect, we wouldn't have girls in the situation of Amanda Pierce."
The idea that you can fully eliminate idiocy through education alone... never mind, I'll stop muttering about this before I turn into Severus Snape. >_o
"I think I can guess how you would handle that state of affairs," Amelia Bones remarked, "but for the record, please inform the other governors."
Hermione gazed around the room. Just looking at the expressions of consternation told her that the battle was lost. "With my cooter. As I'm sure you've noticed, I too am pregnant. I intend to work up until the time I go into labor. I think Amanda should be allowed to continue attending classes until she delivers and then return for the rest of this year and next."
"But a pregnant girl living in the dorm and attending classes. What kind of message will that send the other students?" Mrs. Longbottom asked. "And most importantly, WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EXPELLING HER OR NOT?!"
"I think it will send a strong message not to have sex, at least not without serious thought and proper precautions," Hermione stated. "I doubt many girls will be tempted to follow in Amanda's footsteps. She will be a living poster girl for what not to do."
There's a reason why sex-ed classes include teaching kids that parenthood is NOT fun and games. Apparently, some teenagers ARE dumb enough, without proper education, to think it's a GOOD thing to get pregnant...
{snip} Then Severus reluctantly allowed Draco Malfoy to enter the room. "What happened to Weasley?" he snarled in Draco's face.
"Got held up by the mini-Sues," Draco said. "He'll be right along. Said something about Alex and Jamie, then went off cackling 'Ronald Weasley, in the Room of Requirement, with the Spork of Gryffindor'... He's endured worse, I don't think Weasley's gone completely mental yet. If he has, though, might as well finish off the Sue while we can."
"Professor Malfoy asks that he be allowed to address the governors," Severus said, worryingly. "He has information he feels the Governors should be aware of before they vote.QUOTATIONMARK
Phineas Buster shook his head crossly as he looked at the clock. "Very well, but make it brief," he bellowed. "We've already wasted more time on this matter than it is worth."
Yes, yes, we have. Go Phineas!
"Thank you, sir," Draco said smugly.
Albus seized back his pet adverb and twinkled at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, it has come to my attention that many members of this fandom believe you to be the suave, lofty, incredibly intelligent, tremendously talented, supremely smug, well-groomed, impeccably-dressed, vaguely-homosexual bastard in this school. I... happen to believe otherwise." He looked very serious for a moment, then smiled. "If you don't mind my saying so. Lemon Drop?"
"But I'm the handsome, blond, Dark one!" Draco protested.
"That's what you think, leather-trousered one," Grindelwald cackled from behind him. "On behalf of the rest of the fandom - Crucio!"
"I just felt it my duty to advise the board that this issue has gone beyond a matter of simple expulsion. It seems that a few imprudent members of the staff have decided to support Granger in her effort to change long standing school policy."
"What exactly do you mean by support?" Buster asked heatedly.
Draco gave one of his unnatural laughs. After all he'd been molested by Sues, it was no wonder the latent Black insanity had begun to manifest. "It seems that they intend to go out on a sympathy strike if Miss Pierce is ejected from the school. On the bright side, this is a good way to pick out the Sue sympathizers."
"Fools," Buster said pompously. "We'll terminate the egg headed Sue-loving bastards. Severus, you have a list of qualified substitutes, do you not?"
"I have a few, but only for certain subjects," Severus answered. "Something like this has never happened in the history of Hogwarts. Except for when we had to get a new Defense teacher every year... Then again, we all know how well THAT worked out. Exactly how many of the staff are we talking about?"
Draco wavered before saying, "Two."
"Two!" Phineas snorted as his wife chuckled. "We'll have them out on their arses and onto sporks if they miss one class," he said viciously.
Hermione sighed, starting to think this was all a bad idea. She wanted to help Amanda, but instead it looked like she might end up causes two of her colleagues and friends their jobs.
A humawhatahumma?
What she despised most, however, was the grin on Malfoy's face. The bastard seemed to be enjoying this.
Oh, you bet I am, not-Granger, Draco thought. After the Draco Trilogy? Only WEASLEY hates Sues more than I do. Do you know what it's like to have TWO Sues constantly trying to get into your chafing, painfully-tight leather trousers? Especially when all your Sue-essence-drugged personality wants to do is get in POTTER'S trousers?
"I'm sorry," Draco said. "I'm afraid I inadvertently misled you. When I said two, I meant that only two of the staff hadn't agreed to the work stoppage. You see, we're all taking a day off to participate in the Sue-massacre."
The expression on Phineas' face suddenly turned to one of concern. "You mean that only you...." He hesitated as he thought. "Only you and Filch? You two are the only ones to show loyalty to the board over her." Buster gave Hermione a look of disgust.
"Actually, Argus,
Elbe: This one must have wandered away from the warzone, seeking shelter... Poor thing. 8( *hugs dazed comma*
was a great help to me in obtaining everyone's support to kill them all. The two teachers that haven't agreed are Potter and Granger. They weren't asked, for obvious reasons," Draco said with a smirk.
Phineas was livid. "If you think you can coerce this Board, you are quite mistaken COMMA! young man. If necessary COMMA! we will run this school ourselves," Buster said. The other members looked at him questioningly.
"Are you going to be teaching, cooking, cleaning, or doing the laundry?" Draco asked. "It seems the Potters are very well liked by the house elves,
*snort* Not well enough for Pod!Hermione to have given them a passing thought up to this point, though.
but you have more pressing problems. At lunch, I informed the students of what was transpiring and had them owl their parents. Is it true that a Governor can be recalled if the parents of over fifty percent of the students so vote? All of the Weasley and Prewett clans and Hufflepuff House are descending upon Hogwarts within a few hours. To use a phrase that I'm sure our dear author can understand, since it's about as grammatical as the rest of his works, "Make your time"."
Buster was speechless, as was his wife. Hermione just stared at Draco. What had happened to the boy that thrived on calling her a mudblood? He now just called her a Sue.
"Professor Malfoy," Amelia Bones said, "before you entered we were about to vote on whether or not to expel Amanda Pierce. Although we normally just vote with a show of hands, I think perhaps under the circumstances it might be an excellent idea to record each member's vote. Severus COMMA! would you be so kind.
"Also, I'm inclined to agree with Professor Granger when she says that the school should offer a sex education program. After we complete the vote on Miss Pierce, I suggest we discuss and vote on adding such a program to our curriculum."
Both Buster and his wife stared at Amelia, daggers in their eyes. They had a simple choice: either vote in support or face certain recall. There's always a third option... This may be the first time in a fic I've actually WANTED Olde Traditional Purebloode Types to whip out their wands and go to town. O_o
* * * * * *
Hermione ran to catch up with Draco. "Draco," she yelled. He stopped and turned toward her.
"Thank you," she said, kissing him on the cheek.
"Don't go all mushy on me, Granger. It's still me, Ole Draco. This isn't the Draco Trilogy. I've not suddenly become one of the good guys."
"But what you did in there," she said, looking confused.
"I just had to get you away from your supporters," he said coolly. She blinked; he whipped something out of a robe pocket, and before she could even move, she had a spork through her heart. "Goodbye, 'Granger'. May we never meet again."
"Nothing has changed. At some future meeting, we'll undoubtedly be at each others' throats again," Draco said dismissively. "Some things will never change. I'm a pure blood Pureblooded and you're a muggleborn Mudblood."
ICness, it's a GOOD thing. Even when the character isn't good.
"But..."
"I was concerned that you might have a fit and end up quitting," Draco admitted. "You might be an insufferable, know-it-all, but you're too damn good a teacher to lose."
Slytherfen, ahoy! They think that matters to Draco/Snape/the like (and yet claim it doesn't matter to the Gryffindors...). :P
Hermione simply smiled. "Protest all you want, but I think there still might be hope for you."
Draco tasted blood where he bit tongue on his tongue. When is Weasley going to SHOW UP?!
* * * * * *
Anyway!
[LJ is going NUTS on me. I'm posting this before Mozilla crashes and destroys it all, so - if it needs editing, that's why.]
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THE SEER
Jamie dropped her towel and reached for her "wand".
Jamie? Do you have something to tell us?
"You won't need that," said the ghost of a very glum-looking girl sitting cross-legged on the bed.
Well, if her cooter is showing, we know it's Rose Potter.
"I'm just window-shopping for something I'll never have. Hello... You're very pretty, aren't you?."
Jamie let out a girlish shriek and ran down the corridor.
"Thank you," Jamie said timorously.
"Not you!" said the ghost. She pointed to Alex who had hastily wrapped a towel around his waist. "Him!"
Alex let out a girlish shriek and ran down the corridor.
More seriously, she just called him pretty. *snort* (...And excuse me, did she just say she was window-shopping for the male anatomy?)
"You're...you're Moaning Myrtle?" Jamie said. "I've heard tell of you. Don't you haunt one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom on the first floor Neil's dreams, the ones that'res always so sick you wish his libido was permanently out of order?"
"The name is Myrtle," the ghost responded indignantly. "You'd have occasion to moan too if you'd spent the last sixty few years existing in the U-bend of a toilet Neil's wank fantasies."
"You live in a toilet?" Alex questioned unbelievingly.
"All alone, ever since I was killed, Yes, this fic!" she moaned. "There was a nice boy with black hair and glasses that I invited to share my toilet Neil's dreams with me, but he..." She broke into tears. "He ran away, screaming something about bad touches and fetching Dumbledore didn't die in the Chamber of Secrets like I had anticipated he would."
"Are you referring to Harry, Harry Potter?" Jamie asked.
"Yes," Myrtle said dreamily. "Harry was built nice like him."
I hope she means when she spied on him in the bath. Sure, ogling fourteen-year-olds is warped, but not quit so warped as ogling twelve-year-olds.
Myrtle cast voracious eyes at Alex. I caught and voraciously devoured them.
"You wouldn't be planning on dying soon; would you?" she added hopefully.
Myrtle! Climb on board the HMS_STFU! :D (Just don't haunt our toilets.)
"No he wouldn't," Jamie shouted protectively. "Is that all you do? Spy on Hogwarts boys as they bathe." It was not a question.
"No," Myrtle said defensively. "I spy on the girls, too. There isn't exactly a lot for us ghosts to do. I had an affair with Ariana Dumbledore's portrait once. I remember seeing you in the prefect's bath last year. You were only there that once; did I frighten you off?"
"No," Jamie said, the memory of that morning returning. "I simply preferred being with my friends in the dormitory, but I remember that morning and feeling as if I were being watched. I thought that was Neil, though, so I just cast the anti-spooge shields and sighed."
"That was me," Myrtle said, almost proudly. "You're different than most girls. Usually they clutch their towels to their bodies tightly and yell for me to go away. You're talking to me and don't seem remotely embarrassed. Damn it! I get off on scaring people!"
"That's because I'm a naturist," Jamie proclaimed, "so I turn people scaring me into me scarring them."
"I know," Myrtle said woefully, trying to shield her ectoplasmic eyes.
but if I promise to come visit you in the girls' bathroom, would you go away for now? I don't want to be rude, but Alex and I were sort of busy."
"Were you going to have sex?" Myrtle asked breathlessly. "May I stay and watch? It's something I've never seen and something I'll never get to experience. The Fat Friar's gay, the Bloody Baron and the Grey Lady are always having murderous UST, Nearly Headless Nick keeps having his head flop off during foreplay, and Peeves - ugh, let's not mention Peeves."
Jamie hesitated momentarily, feeling very sorry for Myrtle, until she saw Alex's face. There was no way that they could be intimate in front of an audience, even a ghost.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR POOR READERS?!
"Myrtle, sex is something private between two people that are in love.
Rose Potter: BWAHAHAHA! That's what YOU think!
Guardian's Song: Do I have to expose you to Little Miss Mary again?
Rose Potter: D8 EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS. *RUNS*
We couldn't do it with you watching; it would make it seem sordid," Jamie said.
Did you hear me, Rosey?
Rose Potter: *whimpers*
"I promise you though that if you give us our privacy now, I'll come and visit you tomorrow and tell you what it feels like."
Myrtle was reluctant to leave, but decided that a descriptive conversation was better than nothing. After all, it had been pretty good the time Ariana went into exquisite detail about the teenaged Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald. "You won't forget; you promise?" Myrtle practically begged.
"I'll come visit you in your bathroom immediately after my last class," Jamie promised.
"Would it be possible for him to drop the towel before I leave?" Myrtle asked, almost pleaded, with poor punctuation.
"I don't think so," Jamie said. "Alex Neil isn't a naturist. He's rather embarrassed for his privates to be seen because they're so tiny."
As Jamie was speaking, however, Alex did something extremely unanticipated, except by everyone with brains. He loosened his towel and let it drop to the floor. "Myrtle, if it's all right with you, I'd like to come and visit you with Jamie tomorrow," Alex said.
Myrtle stared at Alex, her face carrying an expression that actually resembled a smile (it was a grimace) as she stuttered, "Th... that would b... be nice," before disappearing, with a swooshing sound, down the drain. "I thought it would be bigger!" she wailed from somewhere far away.
Jamie just stood staring at Alex and shaking her head. "You never cease to amaze me Mr. Ward. Then again, he's amazed by me canon-character pies, so maybe he's a bit mad. What possessed you to drop that towel and tell Myrtle you'd accompany me tomorrow?"
"Everyone makes fun of her;
Elbe: *TWITCHTWITCHTWITCH*
calls her 'Moaning Myrtle'." Alex said. "Jamie, she was no older than us when her life was taken from her. She never got to experience love like we have.
And Myrtle thanked Merlin for it.
What if that had happened to one of us?
You would have made Severus Snape disgusted with all your dramatic moaning and wangsting.
And now she's destined to spend eternity in the Hogwarts plumbing system.
"I feel sorry for her. If dropping my towel gave her a smile and made her existence more bearable, I'm glad I did it," Alex admitted unashamedly. "And even if it didn't, I'm still glad. My only regret is that she wasn't younger."
Jamie had a tear in her eye. "Add another entry to the long list of reasons why I love you," she said. "Meet me in the middle of the bed, and I'll show you just how much."
Ron tensed under the bed, waiting for their weight to settle together. In a few moments, he could thrust the Spork of Gryffindor up through the mattress, and show them just how much he hated...
* * * * * *
"Do you suppose they've done it by now?" Hermione asked as Harry held her tightly COMMA! stroking her pregnant belly.
"I'm sure," Harry said. "You and I would be on our third goHYPHENround by now."
Guardian's Song: Remind me, when the appeal of Harmony is the friendly, loving relationship, why is it that the batshit ones amongst the shippers focus so much on the sex?
Albus: My goodness, this is coming from you?
Guardian's Song: Oh, silence. I've never ranted about how non-Grindeldore pairings are OMG TOO SEX-BASED.
"Yes, but Alex might not be a sex maniac like you," Hermione suggested.
"ME! Are you insinuating that you weren't an enthusiastic partner in our sexual antics?"
"No, I'm not saying that," Hermione admitted. "Sex with you will always be on top of my list of favorite activities. It's all I have the brainpower for."Hermione paused briefly and then said.
Elbe: -without a comma? 8))))D
"Harry COMMA! if anything ever happens to me, promise that you'll remarry. I don't want you alone for the balance of your life."
(HE!Harry) Oh, I'll make Hogwarts into a nudist harem, don't you worry.
"Is this a case of 'do as I say and not as I do'?" Harry asked. "If I recall correctly, two years ago you had sentenced yourself to die an old maid.
So had you, idiot.
Besides, I thought we had a pact to die together."
Suicide pacts are ROMANTIC, y'all!
"We do, but something other than battle could take one of our lives. Women sometimes die giving birth Sporkers," she offered as an example.
"That won't happen to you," Harry asserted. "Poppy and Caitlin wouldn't allow it."
Ron let out a mad giggle. They wouldn't allow it, would they? Well, he was a Weasley and a Prewett; the old lines ran strongest in him, and no Sue could deceive or evade him for long. And this lot had made him a werewolf, a sex addict, and a nudist, and saddled him with some bland Sue while stealing away everyone whom he'd ever loved; he would exact a most sparkly-bloody revenge upon them all.
"I know. That was just an illustration," she said. "It's just that you're so young. I wouldn't want you to be alone the rest of your life."
Not "the balance of"! *faints in shock*
"Nor would I you," Harry agreed. "I just don't think it would be fair."
"Fair?" Hermione questioned.
"To marry someone when your heart will always belong to another," Harry said. "I can't picture myself ever holding or kissing another woman without thinking of you and wishing she were you. That wouldn't be fair to her. What woman would want to enter a relationship knowing she would always be second in someone's heart?"
Severus Snape: PRECISELY! PRECISELY! INFORM ALL POSTERS IN SNAPEDOM! ...*being Snape, refuses to applaud*
"One that loves a man very much and is willing to be second choice rather than not be a part of his life at all. Katie Bell is that sort of woman," Hermione confirmed. "Total Snapefen, her."
Harry looked at his wife in a confused manner. "We're not talking about us any more, are we? I mean Katie and I were together for a while during the summer between my sixth and seventh year, but that was more a case of convenience and desire for sexual fulfillment while I was closeted rather than real interest or love. I'm afraid the latter is restricted only to Tom Riddle, Albus Dumbledore, and Gellert Grindelwald. Yes, the Horcrux did warp my preferences, why do you ask?"
"No, I'm not talking about us," Hermione said. "Severus asked my advice, and I didn't know what to tell him to do."
"Then he is seeing Katie; the sly old dog. I thought there was an awful lot of smiling and winking going on between them," Harry said.
"That was grimacing and wincing on his side, actually. He said he sympathized with Lupin about the Tonks situation. He is, and likes her quite a bit, but he can't seem to get over Ginny Lily Evans and move on with his life," Hermione said, sounding rather frustrated with the situation. "He keeps thinking what if...."
"Weird isn't it?" Harry commented. "To my mind there is only one sensible choice. Forget about Ginny Lily, because she'll never be fully over Draco happens to be dead, and go on to someone who loves you beyond a doubt: [insert Snapewife of choice here] Katie. Only problem is that I wouldn't have taken my own advice."
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, looking at Harry disbelievingly.
"Honestly, would YOU marry someone who, nine times out of ten, couldn't find your characterization if it was belly-dancing in front of her? If I had returned to the wizardING world and found you and Ron married, I wouldn't have gotten on with my life and sought out a wife," Harry said truthfully. "I would have been supportive of you and Ron because you were my best friends, but I wouldn't have been able to stop loving you. I think my heart would have broken a little more each time I saw the two of you kiss or hug."
Harry: Because I never could satisfy my odd longings for Tom... *sigh*
"When I was living in the Muggle world, I kept having a recurring dream about you and Ron." Harry said shaking his head.
Elbe: *thousand-yard stare* I... the commas... oh, the commanity...
"At times it seemed so real. The two of you had, of course, married shortly out of school. He was a famous Quidditch player and you were a successful Healer."
Canon!Ron: Right, this is the girl who tore my face apart with a flock of rabid canaries.
Canon!Hermione: It was hardly that bad.
Canon!Ron: Just reminding the fandom which one of us has the canon-documented tendencies to physical abuse.
Canon!Hermione: *punches his arm*
Canon!Ron: Well, we'll be fine just so long as no one knows about the entire restraints and whips thingamajig, right? *pauses* Oops.
Canon!Hermione: Ronald Weasley! You have been a very bad, lazy wizard today...
Canon!Ron: *twitches*
"My parents had always wanted me to be a doctor," Hermione said.
"I know," Harry replied. "That's probably where I got the idea. Anyway, to make a long story short, you both fell out of love and he cheated on you with his agent.
Canon!Ron: Why am I always the one to blame?
Canon!Hermione: Let me guess, this was Lavender Brown.
Canon!Ron: Yeah, I'm just wondering why it wasn't Cormac McLaggen for once.
*pause*
Canon!Hermione: *horrified* You want to - with Cormac M-
Canon!Ron: I meant YOU and McLaggen, not ME!
They ended up getting married and having loads of kids."
"Did you and I eventually get together in the dream?" Hermione asked, kissing Harry's cheek.
"Yes, but I had to chase off to Brazil after you," he said. "You were so obstinate and independent."
*sigh* Edward Cullen-style condescension, just what every relationship needs.
Hermione smiled. "That's why you and I are so good together. You let me be an individual and don't try to direct me, just so long as I don't step out of line."
"Speaking of direction," Harry said, changing the subject. "What course will our lives take if you are unable to convince the governors on Friday to consent to Amanda remaining in school?"
"You know me too well," Hermione said, nestling closer to Harry.
"I don't have any plans to quit my job in protest, if that's what you asking." Then she added, looking dismayed, "Severus doesn't think our chances are very good. The real stumbling blocks will be the crew of the HMS_STFU. Phineas T. Buster and his wife, Balla. They've been on the Board for what seems like over a century of this sporking and both all loathE us change. Severus says Balla is a real prude."
Balla... Buster. *facepalm*
"Does that mean that your pictures and the little detail that we are nudists who feel up little girls will be more of an issue than Amanda being pregnant?" Harry asked.
"ProbablyOh, definitely," Hermione said disgustedly. "Those filthy anti-molestors!"
* * * * * *
"I can't do this!" Ron grumbled. "People are only supposed to be naked when they have sex or take a shower. Not when they sit down to dinner."
Ah, yes, evul-prude!Ron.
"You never seem to have a problem with me being nude the majority of the time," Samantha protested.
"That's because you're a girl, a very attractive girl. Girls look good naked, but it's gay for a guy to parade around like this," Ron argued.
NOOOOO, RONNIE! DON'T BE NEIL'S SI!
...Well, Neil's obviously the one with the severe homophobia problems, so...
"What will Timmy think?
"I don't know," Sam admitted. "I only know that if we're going on this [nudist] cruise [in case anyone's forgotten], you have to start somewhere and being nude at home in front of Timmy and me seems the logical first step."
"Maybe this whole cruise thing was a bad idea. Perhaps we should just forget it and see if we can get our money refunded," Ron suggested.
FIGHT IT, RONNIE! FIGHT IT! *CHEERS*
"Is that what you really want to do?" Sam asked, dejectedly. "I'll have Hermione check into it, if you like."
YES! YES!
One look at the disenchanted expression on Sam's face and Ron realized he couldn't back out, due to Neil holding a gun to his head. "It's just.... Look at me! I'm a tall, scrawny,
Elbe: *transplants comma to correct point*
pile of freckles.
Yeeeeeeeeees. And some of us LIKE tall, scrawny piles of freckles. :D Hmm, for once, the nudist policy in this fic might not be a BAD thing... No, no, must fight the Sue influence, must...
Maybe if I was some Greek Adonis it wouldn't be so bad."
Slashers: Oh, don't worry, Ron Weasley - we can correct that by placing a Greek Adonis on you! :D
"Ron. You're not skinny. I happen to find you extremely handsome.
Don't take the words out of my mouth, Sue.
Besides, being a nudist isn't about having a perfect body, except in Neil's warped fantasies.
Roy: Hey! That's insulting to warped fantasies! *scowls*
Richard: No, it - ...Yes, it is, actually. >_O
There will be people of all ages, sizes and shapes on the cruise. No one will take notice of you."
"Yeah! Sure!" Ron said, not sounding the least bit persuaded. "With my pallid pale, freckled skin *slight, ahem, fangirlish correction to Neil's writing* and bright red hair, it should be effortless for me to just blend in with the crowd. They'll realize I'm a Weasley on the spot! If I make it out with all limbs intact, it'll be a miracle! " Ron just shook his head in a combination of frustration and amazement. "I don't know how Harry does it without random question marks? He hugged you when you were naked at Christmas and didn't seem the least bit disturbed."
"He's become gay due to Horcrux influence desensitized," Sam responded. "Most guys relate female nudity to sex. Harry doesn't anymore because he's become Edward Cullen accustomed to seeing Hermione and the girls naked all the time. After a few hours on the ship, you'll be the same way."
Ron sincerely doubted this. He found it impossible to believe that Sue influence, no matter how strong, could ever overwhelm his Weasley blood he could ever become acclimatized to seeing bare buns and bouncing boobs without having a response. Just the very thought gave him a reaction - just as Timmy came bursting into the bedroom.
"Mum! Daddy's nudie like you and me." Timmy said excitedly. Then his eyes became engorged as they came to rest on Ron's organ.
Little Timmy looked up at his Mum in amazement. "Daddy has a great big wee-wee."
NEIL, GO TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, YOU SICK FUCK!
Sam couldn't help but giggle as Timmy stared in wonder
I HATE YOU, NEIL. I TRULY DO.
at Ron who had turned crimson red and was trying to hide his erection.
Neil, I hope you don't get off on having naked toddlers comment on the enormous size of your prick in real life. Though only toddlers would think it was enormous, I'm sure.
"Yes he does. He most certainly does," Sam said lifting Timmy into her arms and giving him a big hug.
* * * * * *
Friday, February 18, 2005 10:00 AM
"Do you have any idea why the change of location for the meeting?" Hermione asked as Severus and she hurried toward the conference room.
"It was made to sound like it was being done out of deference to you," the Headmaster responded, "but I imagine it's more of a surprise inspection of the school." By sporkers, he thought smugly.
"I'm sorry Severus," Hermione said guiltily.
"Well, I'm disgusted-at-all-of-you-wretched-Sues Severus," Snape replied with a sneer, lifting a spork above his head.
"I didn't mean to make trouble for you. It's just that I couldn't sit idly by and let Amanda be tossed out of school without even trying to prevent it." And I couldn't sit idly by and let you Sues take over the school without even trying to prevent it, Snape thought.
"There's no need for you to apologize," Severus said. "I totally support your viewpoint except for that bit, and this particular, and generally every part of it. I'm just concerned that this meeting may turn out to be more about Professor Granger than Amanda Pierce.
*sigh* You're talking to her, Pod!Snape. Use the second person.
The board was rather backed into a corner and compelled to keep you on after the Playwizard incident. They might see this as an opportunity to vent their frustration against Neil." And I'll do everything in my power to aid them, Snape thought.
"Amanda doesn't have a chance of staying in school, does she?" Hermione asked, aggravation evident in her voice.
"No," said Snape, his grin exposing every one of his crooked yellow teeth.
"I can't believe the Board of Governors would use her to get back at me."
"I doubt they would allow Amanda Sues to remain under any condition," Severus answered silkily. "Phineas Buster Das Mervin and his wife Agent Sands will, however, take great pleasure in making you think the outcome is because of you. It's not. It's because of all of you."
Hermione came to a sudden stop. "If they've already made their decision, why are we wasting our time?"
"Because Hermione, I believe in miracles, and I believe in you," Severus said, putting his arm around Hermione, encouragingly. He wanted to tear himself open with his bare hands, but he had to keep spouting this sickeningly sappy script until he could lure her into Weasley's trap; afterwards, he could go to the Hog's Head and order the strongest drinks Aberforth had. He just had to endure until then. "If anyone can pull this off, it's you."
"I wish I had your faith." In Weasley? Snape thought, doing his best not to roll his eyes. I wish I didn't have to have it.
* * * * * *
12:15 PM
"I believe that concludes all the business before the Board with the exception of the Amanda Pierce issue," Phineas Buster announced. "I move that she be immediately expelled by means of an enraged Ariana Dumbledore. Those in agreement please signify."
The entire crew of the HMS_STFU shouted "Hear! Hear!" and raised their hands, and Amanda Pierce was immediately expelled by a enormous burst of - what else, to properly honor a Suefic? - wandless magic. She was estimated to have reached a height of three hundred feet before her pieces began to fall. The other Sues soon followed, as Ariana had been informed that they had said most blasphemous things about Abby, the goats, and the general proper order of things.
The girl definitely had her uses, Severus Snape thought as he sat under an umbrella, detachedly observing the rain of sparkly blood and perfect body parts from the heavens.
"Excuse me," Severus said interrupting Phineas without a comma, "Aren't we going to discuss the matter first? Professor Granger has been waiting in the outer chamber; only the obstacles the Dark Lord made now stand in her way." Yes, dear readers, the Sues had accomplished the amazing goal of making the Death Eaters and the Order join forces. for over two hours to address the Board on the subject.QUOTATIONMARK
The governors exchanged glances of varying surprise, most seemingly unaware that Hermione was planning to testify as to the wonderfulness of her cooter.
"Yes, I received your owl stating that the learned Professor would like to address us," Mr. Buster said patronizingly. "I really feel it is a waste of our valuable time."
I like him already. He even uses punctuation correctly!
"It most certainly would be," Balla Buster, concurred.
His wife, on the other hand...
"The little trollop got herself pregnant and thus must pay the consequences. Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry, not a school of sin and fornication."
...When a stereotypical strawman Puritan-type is the upholder of canon, it's sad, but ya gotta team up with them For The Greater Good. GO BALLA! Be a "Buster" on Neil's "Balla"s!
"But if Professor Granger has been waiting that lengthy a time to address us, we should at least afford her the respect of listening to what she has to say before 'it' falls off," Amelia Bones urged. "You know that if it keeps up for four hours, she'll have to seek medical attention!"
Much to the chagrin of Phineas Buster, many of the other governors agreed with Ms. Bones.
Poor Bones. If she and her niece aren't strawwomen, they're turned into mindless sycophants in badfic, which is just as bad. *sigh* It's like the Bones line is the inverse of the Weasley line...
"Very well," Phineas said reluctantly. "Headmaster Snape, will you please ask Professor Granger to join us? And pass the spork?"
As Severus stood to go and get Hermione, Phineas commented not the least bit softly to his wife on the weather. "This should be good; the tart defending the trollop."
No, the tarts are the young Sues. I can see how you could get confused, though, seeing as how HE!Harry can't tell Hermione and Jamie apart when he's blindfolded.
As Hermione entered the room, she glanced at the faces of the twelve governors, trying desperately to hide her feeling of total despair. The Dementor stationed near the entrance turned to the Board and, in a garbled, hideous voice, rasped, "You didn't tell me she was a Sue... I shan't stay any longer. I'm not paid enough souls for this."
"Oh yes you goddamn are!" Phineas snapped, pointing an aged finger at the creature; since it was sightless, the gesture was purely ceremonial, but he felt the need to do it anyway.
"Do you jest?" it asked, its deformed voice now sounding annoyed. "You have no comprehension... accursed Sparklypoos, eating one is like swallowing a Patronus. It took Corellon three months to recover; he was crazed and disoriented: he did not terrorize the prisoners, he gibbered about how he wanted to pet the nice black puppy-wuppy in one of the cells, and he spent the majority of the time dancing to Thriller..."
At age fifty, Amelia Bones was easily the youngest board member; she at least acknowledged Hermione with a smile. As introductions were made COMMA! some of the others gave her a polite nod, others simply glanced at her grumpily.
Hermione had immediately recognized Professor Tofty in the leather chaps and Griselda Marchbanks from her O.W.L. tests, now wearing a gimp mask, and was shocked to discover that Neville's grandmother was on the board as well, wielding a cat-o'-nine-tails with expertise. The balance of the members, she had never met before, but they all shared one commonality; they were, for the most part, ancient and rather kinky. Even her Sue eyes were pained by the sight.
"Professor Granger, the Headmaster informs us that you would like to address us prior to our expelling of Amanda Pierce," Phineas Buster echoed in an irate voice. "Please make it brief since it is already past noon and our Metamucil is beginning to take effect."
Hermione had intended to maintain her composure, knowing that it would serve no good purpose to anger the governors, but the way this arrogant bastard
Wait, Albus is here? Where? :D
addressed her made it sound like she was an annoyance and that Amanda was already out.
"Be careful, she musn't catch on," a makeup-plastered Elphias Doge whispered, leaning towards Buster, then settled back to his very comfortable position on a Polyjuiced Albus Dumbledore's lap.
"I'm sorry that you feel I am wasting your time," she said, addressing the entire board, but directing her gaze at Phineas Buster, "but I feel a young woman's future is of more importance than stuffing our faces. I'm sure you can survive." Hermione looked intently at Buster's portly stomach.
Severus grimaced. If only the Sue knew. After a spell gone spectacularly wrong, Phineas had wound up carrying Balla's child. On the bright side, the Buster line, despite what everyone had thought for decades, would not die out. On the not-so-bright side, everyone's minds would carry hideous scars for life. He had doubted that Hermione had any prospect of convincing the board to allow Amanda to remain (they had armored their minds against Sue-influence), but had hoped the meeting would at least be civil. Otherwise, it would take quite some time to clean the sparkly stains off the walls. Evidently, neither Phineas Buster nor Hermione intended to restrain him or herself.
"We have to guard the reputation of the school," Balla Buster said, smugly. "Perhaps Miss Pierce should have been more concerned about her future when she decided to act as foolishly as she did."
"And perhaps Hogwarts should take more responsibility in counseling our students," Hermione said testily. "Muggle schools at minimum offer proper sex education classes. We on the other hand, house our students in adjoining dormitories with no supervision and expect that there will be no fraternization."
Excuse me. Personal asshole-ness time. Fine, you want the school to be run like an insane asylum? Keep them in individual padded rooms to keep them from hurting themselves, getting pregnant, or any of those things? Because, really, there's a logical conclusion to this "We can't hold them RESPONSIBLE *snifflesniffle*" mentality.
Sure, help 'em afterwards, but why must the school be blamed for their apparent inability to use logical thinking? Because, if they can't think logically - if they're such a danger to themselves that we must be blamed for letting them make their own decisions - , get them mental help, because last time I checked, being a danger to yourself and others due to lack of logical thought was the informal criteria for insanity.
I really don't get the idea that the blame lies with the school and not the students. It's a bit like saying the government should be held responsible for everyone who commits suicide because they didn't haul the suicidal people off to nice, padded rooms.
(/asshole)
*sigh* Let me make it clear that I'm very, VERY much for birth control - I'm not suggesting it's GOOD that the students wind up pregnant. I'm not one of those punishment-is-good people. I'm just saying that the responsibility for the act, with regard to consensual, non-coerced sex ultimately lies with the two or more people performing the act, not with the school or whatever else. *winces*
...Please, let me make this VERY CLEAR, I'm not arguing about ANYTHING - what to do next, what should have been done, what the philosophical position on teenage sex should be, all the various social pressures involved and so on - but whose fault it was in the first place. And I was mostly provoked into that by the Sues. It's just a personal gripe. So... sorry! Please forgive me.
"It is the responsibility of the parents to instruct their offspring in such matters, not the school," Phineas said passionately.
Or at least for the offspring to instruct themselves with biology textbooks.
"Our business is witchcraft and wizardry, not sex education, or have you gotten your career and sordid private life confused, Professor Granger?"
Go Phineas! WHOOOOOOOOO! *waves Buster flag*
Hermione was livid. Severus watched her nervously, ready to restrain her if required. It was always so unpleasant when they had to be held down to be sporked. He expected torrents of N3+5P34|< any moment now.
"Phineas!" chided Amelia Bones. "We are here to discuss Amanda Pierce, not assault Professor Granger." That's what YOU think, you little Sue plant, thought Snape.
"Thank you Ms. Bones," Hermione said, leaning her elbows on the table and rubbing her face.
"Thank your Ms. Bones," Snape corrected sharply. "And why should I thank my Ms. Bones? She's been quite annoying recently."
"But its okay.
What's "okay" are you talking about? Harry's okay? Ariana's okay? What's happening to "its okay"?
I'm becoming accustomed to having to defend my lifestyle. If Mr. Buster wants to deride me for being a nudist and for assisting my husband in feeling up little girls, he is welcome to do so, but only after we have finished discussing Amanda.
"Expelling Amanda is taking the easy way out rather than trying to solve a problem.
That's why we're expelling ALL of you, Snape thought, watching a patch of paint on the wall dry.
A problem, by the way, that is only going to grow if not taken in hand.
I'm sure you'd know all about taking "it" in hand, Neil. And no, Neil, it's not going to grow.
"No, we are not their parents, but we have in effect, assumed the roles as their guardians. After age eleven, these students have contact with their parents two months out of the year. Except for holiday breaks and all that, but who's counting? They enter Hogwarts as little more than children and leave here as adults.
"Our primary goal might be to teach them witchcraft and wizardry, but we must also tutor them to be responsible adults. Sex is part of being an adult
Hah. Tell that to monks, nuns, asexuals, and everyone else who doesn't have their brains fused to their crotches.
and as one of my daughters said the other night, 'how are we suppose to know what to do if no one tells us or shows us.'"
Good grief, did she tell you that in a chat-room as you assured her you were just another friendly 13-year-old?
Oh, and -
BIOLOGY TEXTBOOKS!
Thank you.
"They should abstain," Bella Buster bellowed.
Or use birth control.
And now she's Bella! Related to Bellatrix or Bella Swan? (Probably Bellatrix. Bella, in case any of you have escaped the horror of Twilight, is a total horndog who, contrary to the stereotype, is incessantly trying to pressure her extremely reluctant BOYFRIEND into bed instead of the other way around.)
"In my day a young lady never considered having sex before marriage."
Hermione studied Bella, who had to be at least one hundred fifty. "Was yours a prearranged marriage," Hermione asked.
Bella was caught off guard and became flustered. "Well, yes, but what does that have to do with it? Brides were all virgins. Our generation had morals."
"May I ask how old you were when you and Mr. Buster were married?"
Bella dithered before finally saying, "Thirteen."
Considering that in your world, Neil, twelve-year-olds give each other oral sex, your point is moot by your own sick fantasies.
"In your day some young girls were forced into marriage before they had even truly become women. Times have changed, unfortunately for Neil, and even men and women have physically changed since you were married. We have now outlawed prearranged marriages and made consensual sex illegal until age fifteen, but at the same time, children now physically mature sooner.
"The majority of wizards and witches today wait until they are at least in their twenties before marrying. Although the conception of abstaining until marriage might be best, it is also na�ve. Like it or not, we must accept as fact that a large percent of our students will experiment with sex and that many will become sexually active teenagers before they leave our school."
*eyeroll* So, I take it that's a "Yes" to the question of "Should we lock them up, since they might harm themselves?"
Balla Buster and a number of the other governors fidgeted nervously in their seat at this pronouncement.
OBJECTION!
If these were really vicious, cruel straw-man hard-liners? They'd laugh and say "Hey, they deserve what they get".
And if they WEREN'T straw-men (just hard-liners), they'd say, "No, we don't need to accept it; sorry, it goes against our morals." Or "What can be done about this TOTALLY UNDESIRABLE situation?" Neil's wimping out, pathetic bastard that he is. He thinks OMG EVERYONE WOULD AGREE WITH HIM IF THEY ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT. *snort* A tad like the Slytherfen (and, come to think of it, most Suethors) in that respect. It's utterly impossible that other people could have different premises/values than themselves (or if they do, it's a sign they're either insane, evil, or just generally repulsive).
Tell me again, why is it thought that most people possess Theory of Mind?
"Our job is to help our students reach their full potential so that they can successfully make their way in the wizarding world. Denying them an education because they made a mistake is not helping, but rather hurting their chances of succeeding."
Agreed there. However, lumping together several semi-related things and trying to push it all through on the strength of a few is a classic emotional manipulation technique, and I ain't fallin' for it. YOU HEAR ME, NEIL?
Amelia Bones seemed intrigued. "Professor Granger, what do you feel the school should do?" she asked.
"We have to stop living in the past and recognize that many of our students will engage in sexual activity while at school.
Hard-liners: And let experience be a harsh teacher to them. What, you "modern" idiots honestly thought those howwible outdated nasty-wasty traditions were pulled out of the ether?
Again, I'm not agreeing, I'm just saying that Pod!Hermione's so-portrayed eloquent arguments would be shredded by any true hard-liner.
Although we should certainly be encouraging abstention, we should also make students aware that potions are to be had that will prevent pregnancy.
Yesssss...
These should be available to young ladies without question or lecture.
Weeeeeeell, I mean, I'm kind of in favor of the lecture, but I can see as to how that would discourage students (hey, why not risk ruining your life because you're just too thin-skinned to endure a lecture? :D), so... yeah. Fine. Still agreed!
Potions that cure and prevent sexually transmitted diseases should likewise be available to any student."
Yes, Neil, but what does any of this have to do with sex ed?
(The answer: ...The sex ed thing is an excuse for kiddie porn in the next fic. EXPLICIT kiddie porn, with reminiscing about two girls and one boy fondling each others' genitals in a bathroom in great detail. No, I am not kidding.)
"You, Professor Granger, are a disgrace to the teaching profession!" Phineas Buster blasted. "What you propose would have our students running naked in the halls and fornicating at every available opportunity.
Weeeeeeell... Okay, that DOES sound like a hard-liner. Points given.
But then I imagine that would be consistent with your lifestyle."
Actually, it would! :D GO PHINEAS!
Hermione was finding it difficult to remain civil with Buster continually insinuating that she was some sort of low life slag.
Do you really want me to answer that, Pod!Hermione?
"I doubt that very much as I don't consider causal sex
Casual sex, Neil. Causal sex sounds rather ominous - what does it cause?
to be healthy and consider it to be quite the opposite," Hermione answered tersely. "Students should also be counseled as part of a general sexual education curriculum that having sex can have serious emotional ramifications and should not be engaged in lightly or without thought and certainly not without precautions.
*bites down on lips* I will not say anything controversial. I will not. Only that Neil, shove it up your arse, because you're being a flaming hypocrite here. You say one thing, yet you portray merry underage sex everywhere with barely any thought. And I strongly dislike hypocrisy, especially when added to all your other sins.
If these practices were in effect, we wouldn't have girls in the situation of Amanda Pierce."
The idea that you can fully eliminate idiocy through education alone... never mind, I'll stop muttering about this before I turn into Severus Snape. >_o
"I think I can guess how you would handle that state of affairs," Amelia Bones remarked, "but for the record, please inform the other governors."
Hermione gazed around the room. Just looking at the expressions of consternation told her that the battle was lost. "With my cooter. As I'm sure you've noticed, I too am pregnant. I intend to work up until the time I go into labor. I think Amanda should be allowed to continue attending classes until she delivers and then return for the rest of this year and next."
"But a pregnant girl living in the dorm and attending classes. What kind of message will that send the other students?" Mrs. Longbottom asked. "And most importantly, WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EXPELLING HER OR NOT?!"
"I think it will send a strong message not to have sex, at least not without serious thought and proper precautions," Hermione stated. "I doubt many girls will be tempted to follow in Amanda's footsteps. She will be a living poster girl for what not to do."
There's a reason why sex-ed classes include teaching kids that parenthood is NOT fun and games. Apparently, some teenagers ARE dumb enough, without proper education, to think it's a GOOD thing to get pregnant...
{snip} Then Severus reluctantly allowed Draco Malfoy to enter the room. "What happened to Weasley?" he snarled in Draco's face.
"Got held up by the mini-Sues," Draco said. "He'll be right along. Said something about Alex and Jamie, then went off cackling 'Ronald Weasley, in the Room of Requirement, with the Spork of Gryffindor'... He's endured worse, I don't think Weasley's gone completely mental yet. If he has, though, might as well finish off the Sue while we can."
"Professor Malfoy asks that he be allowed to address the governors," Severus said, worryingly. "He has information he feels the Governors should be aware of before they vote.QUOTATIONMARK
Phineas Buster shook his head crossly as he looked at the clock. "Very well, but make it brief," he bellowed. "We've already wasted more time on this matter than it is worth."
Yes, yes, we have. Go Phineas!
"Thank you, sir," Draco said smugly.
Albus seized back his pet adverb and twinkled at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, it has come to my attention that many members of this fandom believe you to be the suave, lofty, incredibly intelligent, tremendously talented, supremely smug, well-groomed, impeccably-dressed, vaguely-homosexual bastard in this school. I... happen to believe otherwise." He looked very serious for a moment, then smiled. "If you don't mind my saying so. Lemon Drop?"
"But I'm the handsome, blond, Dark one!" Draco protested.
"That's what you think, leather-trousered one," Grindelwald cackled from behind him. "On behalf of the rest of the fandom - Crucio!"
"I just felt it my duty to advise the board that this issue has gone beyond a matter of simple expulsion. It seems that a few imprudent members of the staff have decided to support Granger in her effort to change long standing school policy."
"What exactly do you mean by support?" Buster asked heatedly.
Draco gave one of his unnatural laughs. After all he'd been molested by Sues, it was no wonder the latent Black insanity had begun to manifest. "It seems that they intend to go out on a sympathy strike if Miss Pierce is ejected from the school. On the bright side, this is a good way to pick out the Sue sympathizers."
"Fools," Buster said pompously. "We'll terminate the egg headed Sue-loving bastards. Severus, you have a list of qualified substitutes, do you not?"
"I have a few, but only for certain subjects," Severus answered. "Something like this has never happened in the history of Hogwarts. Except for when we had to get a new Defense teacher every year... Then again, we all know how well THAT worked out. Exactly how many of the staff are we talking about?"
Draco wavered before saying, "Two."
"Two!" Phineas snorted as his wife chuckled. "We'll have them out on their arses and onto sporks if they miss one class," he said viciously.
Hermione sighed, starting to think this was all a bad idea. She wanted to help Amanda, but instead it looked like she might end up causes two of her colleagues and friends their jobs.
A humawhatahumma?
What she despised most, however, was the grin on Malfoy's face. The bastard seemed to be enjoying this.
Oh, you bet I am, not-Granger, Draco thought. After the Draco Trilogy? Only WEASLEY hates Sues more than I do. Do you know what it's like to have TWO Sues constantly trying to get into your chafing, painfully-tight leather trousers? Especially when all your Sue-essence-drugged personality wants to do is get in POTTER'S trousers?
"I'm sorry," Draco said. "I'm afraid I inadvertently misled you. When I said two, I meant that only two of the staff hadn't agreed to the work stoppage. You see, we're all taking a day off to participate in the Sue-massacre."
The expression on Phineas' face suddenly turned to one of concern. "You mean that only you...." He hesitated as he thought. "Only you and Filch? You two are the only ones to show loyalty to the board over her." Buster gave Hermione a look of disgust.
"Actually, Argus,
Elbe: This one must have wandered away from the warzone, seeking shelter... Poor thing. 8( *hugs dazed comma*
was a great help to me in obtaining everyone's support to kill them all. The two teachers that haven't agreed are Potter and Granger. They weren't asked, for obvious reasons," Draco said with a smirk.
Phineas was livid. "If you think you can coerce this Board, you are quite mistaken COMMA! young man. If necessary COMMA! we will run this school ourselves," Buster said. The other members looked at him questioningly.
"Are you going to be teaching, cooking, cleaning, or doing the laundry?" Draco asked. "It seems the Potters are very well liked by the house elves,
*snort* Not well enough for Pod!Hermione to have given them a passing thought up to this point, though.
but you have more pressing problems. At lunch, I informed the students of what was transpiring and had them owl their parents. Is it true that a Governor can be recalled if the parents of over fifty percent of the students so vote? All of the Weasley and Prewett clans and Hufflepuff House are descending upon Hogwarts within a few hours. To use a phrase that I'm sure our dear author can understand, since it's about as grammatical as the rest of his works, "Make your time"."
Buster was speechless, as was his wife. Hermione just stared at Draco. What had happened to the boy that thrived on calling her a mudblood? He now just called her a Sue.
"Professor Malfoy," Amelia Bones said, "before you entered we were about to vote on whether or not to expel Amanda Pierce. Although we normally just vote with a show of hands, I think perhaps under the circumstances it might be an excellent idea to record each member's vote. Severus COMMA! would you be so kind.
"Also, I'm inclined to agree with Professor Granger when she says that the school should offer a sex education program. After we complete the vote on Miss Pierce, I suggest we discuss and vote on adding such a program to our curriculum."
Both Buster and his wife stared at Amelia, daggers in their eyes. They had a simple choice: either vote in support or face certain recall. There's always a third option... This may be the first time in a fic I've actually WANTED Olde Traditional Purebloode Types to whip out their wands and go to town. O_o
* * * * * *
Hermione ran to catch up with Draco. "Draco," she yelled. He stopped and turned toward her.
"Thank you," she said, kissing him on the cheek.
"Don't go all mushy on me, Granger. It's still me, Ole Draco. This isn't the Draco Trilogy. I've not suddenly become one of the good guys."
"But what you did in there," she said, looking confused.
"I just had to get you away from your supporters," he said coolly. She blinked; he whipped something out of a robe pocket, and before she could even move, she had a spork through her heart. "Goodbye, 'Granger'. May we never meet again."
"Nothing has changed. At some future meeting, we'll undoubtedly be at each others' throats again," Draco said dismissively. "Some things will never change. I'm a pure blood Pureblooded and you're a muggleborn Mudblood."
ICness, it's a GOOD thing. Even when the character isn't good.
"But..."
"I was concerned that you might have a fit and end up quitting," Draco admitted. "You might be an insufferable, know-it-all, but you're too damn good a teacher to lose."
Slytherfen, ahoy! They think that matters to Draco/Snape/the like (and yet claim it doesn't matter to the Gryffindors...). :P
Hermione simply smiled. "Protest all you want, but I think there still might be hope for you."
Draco tasted blood where he bit tongue on his tongue. When is Weasley going to SHOW UP?!
* * * * * *