Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23: Part 2 of 2
The passage of time, although always constant, does seem to vary depending on a person's perspective. The day that seems to fly by for the person on holiday in goodfic at the same time drags for the person incarcerated in badfic. Ronald Weasley could personally attest to this.
{snip}
The early spring Quidditch matches had been as predictable as a poorly scripted Muggle movie.
...Neil has NO SHAME WHATSOEVER about his writing being purest crap, does he?!
Ravenclaw scored first in their game against Slytherin in March. It was, however, their only score as Slytherin won 200 to 10.
Hufflepuff faired FARED no better when it met Gryffindor in April. It appeared that the Quidditch cup would be decided by the game everyone was anticipating, Slytherin versus Gryffindor, the battle of the sisters in bed,
...I am so, so sorry.
and it was only one week away.
I hate sleeping in a windowless dungeon, Emily said to herself as she stretched and opened her eyes.
A flashback?
Every morning looks the same whether it's snowing, raining or the sun is brightly shining. I wonder why no one has ever thought to charm the ceiling in here to resemble the sky like the one in the Great Hall does.
Possibly because that's a complicated spell that you can't just - OH, HELL, WHY DO I EVEN TRY? This is HOGWARTS EXPOSED.
Emily seldom closed the drapes of her four-poster, preferring not to be so restricted. Why should she deny anyone the sight of her nubile young naked flesh? Her best friend Kim, on the other hand, not only closed her drapes tightly, but also charmed them to alarm her if they were touched. If Neil came in, she was going to set off every single alarm in Hogwarts. Kim didn't trust two of her dorm mates. She had this mental picture of herself sleeping while Denise and Janice gave guided tours pointing out her various body parts.
"And this is a Sue liver," said Denise cheerfully, lifting it out of the Sue's corpse. "Note the various shimmering hues."
Emily thought she was paranoid. On the other hand, they MIGHT have Weasley blood... best to be safe.
"Kim, time to get up," Emily shouted. "It looks like everyone else has already gone to breakfast." Emily put on her slippers and headed for the bathroom.
In a few minutes, a half-awake Kim joined her. "I like it when the other girls aren't here," Kim said. "I don't feel nearly as selfHYPHENconscious being nude."
As does most of the human race.
Emily looked disappointedly at Kim, "I was hoping that you were getting used to being naked. Why, Neil was about to invite you over to his house. You've disappointed us, Kim. Don't you want to be one of the cool girls? (And whatever you do, don't tell your parents or the cops. They just don't understand us kids or Neil. Neil likes us. He gives us candy. Neil is our Very Special Friend...) It doesn't seem to bother you any more around Caitlin and me."
"You and your family are... well, I feel like I'm almost part of the family. It doesn't seem weird with any of you. The other girls still look a lot. Becky and Marta aren't nasty like Janice and Denise, but they still look."
"Becky and Marta don't mean any harm and the other two are just jealous!11!!11!. Hell, I'm jealous. Your twelve toes are awesome. with the body of a fifteen year old," Emily said.
Neil, "She looked fifteen!" is NOT something that will persuade the judge...
She hesitated COMMA! looking for the right words. "I was hoping that you felt different about being nude because I had something to ask you."
"What?" Kim asked.
"Well... how about twelve-year-old oral sex? (You don't want to be a PRUDE, do you, Kim?) you know we're going on a cruise for ten days in August," Emily started. "Mum and Dad booked two staterooms. One for them and another for Caitlin, Alex, Jamie and me."
"Alex!" Kim said in shock. "Alex is going on a naturist cruise and sleeping in the same room as you girls?"
"No," Emily said, sounding a little bit disappointed. "He really loves Jamie and said he could handle being nude around Caitlin and me, but didn't think he could do it on a cruise around all those strangers. Something about undercover cops cruising for prey..."
"I bet Jamie was disappointed," Kim said.
"She was, but she understood," Emily answered. "The whole idea was so that she would have someone her age. I guess Mum and Dad figured Caitlin and I had each other
SPARE ME, NEIL.
and wanted Jamie to have someone."
"What about Amanda?" Kim asked.
"That was Alex's suggestion," Emily replied. "Amanda wasn't that thrilled about running around naked for ten days either, plus she wants to spend the summer with the baby. She's too old for Neil's tastes, y'know. Jamie and Hermione are his pedobeards, but Amanda? Naaaaah. Old hag."
"Jamie has a lot of friends, but none as close as Alex and Amanda," Kim said.
"No, she doesn't. That's why she suggested you."
"Me!" Kim shouted excitedly, and then she hesitated. "But I'd have to be naked for ten days in front of all those people."
"Kim, you're naked now, our dorm-mates see you naked," Emily reminded her. "You're always nude in my parents' quarters. Besides these will all be strangers that you'll never see again, and they'll all be nude. And you want to be one of the COOL kids, don't you? Strip. And don't complain when Neil touches you. He's just being friendly. And you were asking for it."
"You're sure this is okay with Jamie and your parents?" Kim asked excitedly.
"One hundred percent sure. They know how close Caitlin, you OXFORD COMMA! and me are. They'd love for you to join us."
Kim looked at Emily, elatedly. "Your dad will be nude. I'll get to see Professor Potter naked."
"Maybe even Professor Weasley,"
This, of course, is of utmost importance. :D
Emily added, with a giggle, "but I wouldn't count on that. He really has a hangHYPHENup when it comes to nudity."
I dunno, throw him in a room with a naked Hermione, and I tell you, those clothes will disappear as if Vanished...
"I'm crazy if I say yes
Totally agreed!
and a fool not cool like youif I say no," Kim said animatedly. "I want to go. I'm sure my Mum will let me, only...."
"Only it might be a good idea to skip the fact that it's a naturist cruise," Emily finished.
"Yeah," Kim said. "What with everything she has gone through recently, I'm not sure if she could cope with that much detail."
Guys. Look. Neil just happily wrote about a twelve-year-old girl being subtly pressured into going on a nude cruise without her mother and lying to her mother about the skeezy details. GUYS.
This is beyond wank-fantasy-land. This is going into separating a girl from her caretakers and luring her into a situation where she could, in reality, be - I can't believe this. I can't believe this. This is... *quickly makes warding sign against evil* I am very, very afraid for any little girl Neil comes into contact with. Truly. I... D:
"Great, we can tell my parents after breakfast. Let's have a shower and get dressed," Emily suggested.
The girls each grabbed soap and headed for the showers, Kim not realizing it, singing.
"I've never heard you sing before," Emily said, astounded. "You really have an appealing voice. Have you ever thought of being a professional?"
Child-grooming, Emily?
{blahblahblah, they shower}
Kim went to her dresser and brushed her hair as Emily search for her dress and a book on how to speaky good English.
Kim's first look at the dress didn't come until Emily said. "What do you think of it? Isn't it pretty?"
Kim just stared. She couldn't believe her eyes. Yes, the dress was pretty, quite pretty, wrote Neil, wanking furiously, quite furiously. It was a bright floral pattern that really caught your eye. The color brought out the highlights in Emily'S hair.
FOUR BETAS, YOU LOT! It's FOUR nowadays!
It was a two-piece outONEWORDfit, composed of a short skirt and a loose midriff exposing top. It was beautiful and would look great on an eight year old that it fit.
D8
You're into EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS now, Neil?! FBI!!!
"I've grown a little, but it still fits," Emily said happily. "Are you ready to go for breakfast?"
"You're not seriously going to wear that?" Kim asked, not able to take her eyes off Emily. "It barely covers what it has to cover and I'm not even sure the skirt does that."
"You're exaggerating," Emily said defensively.
"No I'm not," Kim insisted. "The top just barely covers your breasts. If you reach your hands above your head, they'll doubtlessly pop out."
"Then I'll be sure not to do that," Emily said unconcernedly.
"And as for the skirt," Kim continued, "if it even covers everything that it should, it only does so barely."
*retches* I... Schnoogle should have rules against this. It should. 'No fics clearly written for the express purpose of wanking to naked little girls', what do you think of that?
Emily gave the skirt a little tug, which accomplished absolutely nothing. "Other then THAN it being a tiny bit small, what do you think of it?" Emily asked.
"It's very pretty," Kim said, accepting defeat. "I can understand why you love it and hate to give it up. You wouldn't just this once consider wearing knickers?"
Emily looked at Kim as if she had said a bad word. In Neil's mind, she certainly had.
"Okay then, let's go to breakfast, but please be careful," Kim sighed apprehensively. "Neil's on the prowl."
* * * * * *
"I think perhaps I should have listened to you," Emily said in a conceding voice as they seated themselves at the long Slytherin table. "I'll change clothes immediately after breakfast."
"What made you change you mind?" Kim asked.
"My bare bum against the wooden bench.
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIL!
If there isn't enough skirt for me to sit on, it must really be short," Emily admitted. "It's a weird thing about being a nudist. I'm not the least bit bothered if anyone sees me totally naked or even gets a glimpse of my so called private parts, but it does bother me if people think I am purposely dressing to expose those areas."
(Neil) After all, it bothers the FBI if they think I'm purposely writing to expose little girl's naked bodies...
"Most people probably wouldn't understand, but I believe I do," Kim said supportingly. "You don't dress skimpily in order to be sexy, but rather just because you hate wearing clothes."
(Neil) The FBI will buy that, right? Right?
"That's it," Emily said, relieved that Kim understood, "but most people can't identify with how naturists feel having to be clothed all the time." Emily looked around the Great Hall. "Fortunately for me, most people either ate early or are skipping breakfast today."
Hogwarts has a dress code. The Sue would at least have black robes over her uber-skimpy dress in canon... *siiiigh* I MISS CANON! EVEN THE GALLANT CRUCIATUS AT THIS POINT! DDDDDDDDDDD:
{snip}
The Slytherin table was especially empty with huge gaps separating those present. Dick Bancroft and his ever present shadow, Dennis Crow were seated at the end closet to the staff table,
FORESHADOWING.
so naturally Emily and Kim had sat at the extreme other end.
This sounds like the Ariana Black series - hmm? What's that? *pauses* Wow, even Ariana Black refuses to be associated with this fic. That's impressive. (...Unsurprising, though. Even Sues have standards.)
The only other Slytherins present were Denise and Janice who were on the other side about two-thirds of the way down the table and Tyler, who was on their side about midHYPHENtable, sitting alone.
MORE FORESHADOWING.
Emily and Kim were enjoying this relative privacy;
Elbe: *thousand-yard stare* The commas... the commas... make it stop...
using the time to talk about the cruise. Emily had just taken a sip of her orange juice when it happened. At first Kim thought the glass had slipped for Emily's hand and broken, but then she saw the blood and realized that Emily Ron had crushed the glass Sue's skull with a spork.
Emily seemed oblivious to her injury as she stood up from the table, blood dripping from her bleeding hand. Kim tried talking to her friend, but Emily appeared to be in a trance, not even aware of her surroundings.
Is she usually?
When Emily spoke;
Elbe: *goes into a commatose state* *that is not a typo*
it was with a voice not her own, but deep and raspy and so loud that her words echoed through the Hall.
"THE STARS
The Blacks: Keep us out of this!
PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARKLORD
Gellert Grindelwald: Me? :D
Voldemort: No, me.
Gellert Grindelwald: No, I am the greatest Dark Lord. You are a Saint Mungo's escapee.
Voldemort: I AM NOT!
Harry Potter: No, I am the greatest Dark Lord!
Gellert Grindelwald: You haven't even arrived yet.
Harry Potter: Honestly, after the Elder Wand reasoning, you're attempting to stop my return with a little thing like basic logic?
Ariana Dumbledore: *strange and dangerous* No, I am the greatest Dark Lord of all time! And if you dare to argue with me, you must face... THE GOATS!
Gellert Grindelwald: My dear girl, you're female. You'd be a Dark Lady.
Ariana Dumbledore: BAH! LITTLE THINGS LIKE REALITY! THIS IS NOT THE DUMBLEDORE WAY!
FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR,
THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR.
Ginny: All right, no one has the right to mock ME for my poetry ever again.
Guardian's Song: Why do I have an image of cake-batter!Slytherin?
TWO OF HIS OWN, SEER AND HEIR,
TWO OF HIS ENEMIES, HEALER AND HEIR,
That shouldn't even count as a true rhyme! It's REPETITION!
TWO DROPS OF EACH, NOT ANY MORE,
Is this a prophecy or a limerick?!
WITH THEIR DEATH BY HIS HAND,
TO HIS BODY HE WILL BE RETURNED,
Okay, now Neil's not even trying.
Also? THEY DON'T EVEN DIE! Damn it! You filthy LIAR, Neil!
TO WALK THE EARTH A MORTAL MAN,
Voldemort: ..."Mortal man" isn't something at all intimidating, Muggle fool.
BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED,
Canon!Wizarding World: ...There's a difference?
NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN.
*facepalm* Why is he pretending to write this as verse? TERRY GOODKIND writes better prophecies than this. GOODKIND. GOODKIND!!!
THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING,
SORROW AND PAIN BADSEX WILL OFT BE THE FAME.
WTF?!
MANY WILL DIE DREADING THE NAME,
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN.
Is this a bad theme song or a prophecy?!
Also, I'm sorry. I should NOT have asked for rhyming again. >_<
THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE
AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT
*applauds slowly* Wow, Neil. You know what two cubed is. Wooooooooooooooooooow. *FACEKEYBOARD*
WITH HEALTH AND SIGHT AND SPIRIT BRIGHT,
THE HEART AND SOUL AND MIND, none of which Neil possesses, WILL ADD THEIR WEIGHT
BUT ONLY WHEN THE FLAMING DAUGHTER DUMBLEDORE OUT-SMUG-BASTARDS THE STUS, AS ONLY HE CAN,
AND THE MOONCHILD JOIN THE FRAY
You know, the Moon Child was prophesized to bring about the end of the world in The Legend of Dragoon. Just bringing that up...
WILL THE WORLD DEFEAT EVIL
AND RETURN SLYTHERIN NEIL TO HIS GRAVE ROOM"
...You know, the "reviving Salazar Slytherin, TEH UBER DARK LORD" plot comes from THE DRACO TRILOGY. Yes. Neil is ripping off CASSANDRA CLAIRE. HE'S RIPPING OFF CASSANDRA CLAIRE!
...It's almost like karma, except that I wouldn't wish Neil defiling a fic upon ANY author. The spooge stains will take forever to clean off... DDDD:
When she finished speaking, Emily collapsed to the floor in an epileptic-tree type of seizure on top of a hapless first-year. Kim was at a loss as to what to do as her friend violently gyrated on the floor, shaking and tossing about as her even-younger victim wailed for his mommy and tried to crawl out from under her, to no avail. Since Emily and Kim had been seated on the wall side of the Slytherin table, none of the members of other houses were aware of what had happened to Emily. Being completely deaf, they didn't notice the banging and thrashing noises. Most were discussing what she had said, thinking she had perhaps fainted and would be attended to by staff. That was until Denise yelled to her cousin.
"Dick Neil! Hurry, you can't miss this," Denise shouted. "Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor. Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on." Neil came explosively all over his computer monitor, grunted, and kept typing. Alas.
You would have thought that she had announced that Honeydukes was giving away free candy.
...Neil, you sick fuck, not everyone lusts after twelve-year-old girls...
Not only Dick, but also every other student in the Hall, both male and female, ran frantically to witness the sight.
BITCH, PLEASE!
But Tyler was nearest and, despite the fact that Emily hated him, he didn't hesitate to run and throw his body on top of hers to obstruct the other students from viewing her.
Neil, you know, if people find you on top of a naked, struggling girl, that WON'T work as a valid excuse, it just WON'T...
"Her breasts," Kim shouted in panic to Tyler. He had successfully succeeded in covering Emily's lower extremities
Her feet?
with his body and was doing his utmost to maintain that coverage despite her gyrations,
Oh, I BET he is.
but now her breasts were also exposed. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly covered them with his hands.
NEIL, I TELL YOU, THE POLICE WON'T BUY THAT STORY...
"Just what type of perversion is going on here?" Professor Malfoy said, looking down scornfully at the couple on the floor.
Draco, stop taking up the slack from Ron before I have to fangirl you! I don't WANT to fangirl you! D:
End of Chapter 23
I refuse to believe he has four betas. I just refuse.
DAS MERVIN, CHAPTER 23 IS DONE! SPORKING MAY RE-COMMENCE!
{snip}
The early spring Quidditch matches had been as predictable as a poorly scripted Muggle movie.
...Neil has NO SHAME WHATSOEVER about his writing being purest crap, does he?!
Ravenclaw scored first in their game against Slytherin in March. It was, however, their only score as Slytherin won 200 to 10.
Hufflepuff faired FARED no better when it met Gryffindor in April. It appeared that the Quidditch cup would be decided by the game everyone was anticipating, Slytherin versus Gryffindor, the battle of the sisters in bed,
...I am so, so sorry.
and it was only one week away.
I hate sleeping in a windowless dungeon, Emily said to herself as she stretched and opened her eyes.
A flashback?
Every morning looks the same whether it's snowing, raining or the sun is brightly shining. I wonder why no one has ever thought to charm the ceiling in here to resemble the sky like the one in the Great Hall does.
Possibly because that's a complicated spell that you can't just - OH, HELL, WHY DO I EVEN TRY? This is HOGWARTS EXPOSED.
Emily seldom closed the drapes of her four-poster, preferring not to be so restricted. Why should she deny anyone the sight of her nubile young naked flesh? Her best friend Kim, on the other hand, not only closed her drapes tightly, but also charmed them to alarm her if they were touched. If Neil came in, she was going to set off every single alarm in Hogwarts. Kim didn't trust two of her dorm mates. She had this mental picture of herself sleeping while Denise and Janice gave guided tours pointing out her various body parts.
"And this is a Sue liver," said Denise cheerfully, lifting it out of the Sue's corpse. "Note the various shimmering hues."
Emily thought she was paranoid. On the other hand, they MIGHT have Weasley blood... best to be safe.
"Kim, time to get up," Emily shouted. "It looks like everyone else has already gone to breakfast." Emily put on her slippers and headed for the bathroom.
In a few minutes, a half-awake Kim joined her. "I like it when the other girls aren't here," Kim said. "I don't feel nearly as selfHYPHENconscious being nude."
As does most of the human race.
Emily looked disappointedly at Kim, "I was hoping that you were getting used to being naked. Why, Neil was about to invite you over to his house. You've disappointed us, Kim. Don't you want to be one of the cool girls? (And whatever you do, don't tell your parents or the cops. They just don't understand us kids or Neil. Neil likes us. He gives us candy. Neil is our Very Special Friend...) It doesn't seem to bother you any more around Caitlin and me."
"You and your family are... well, I feel like I'm almost part of the family. It doesn't seem weird with any of you. The other girls still look a lot. Becky and Marta aren't nasty like Janice and Denise, but they still look."
"Becky and Marta don't mean any harm and the other two are just jealous!11!!11!. Hell, I'm jealous. Your twelve toes are awesome. with the body of a fifteen year old," Emily said.
Neil, "She looked fifteen!" is NOT something that will persuade the judge...
She hesitated COMMA! looking for the right words. "I was hoping that you felt different about being nude because I had something to ask you."
"What?" Kim asked.
"Well... how about twelve-year-old oral sex? (You don't want to be a PRUDE, do you, Kim?) you know we're going on a cruise for ten days in August," Emily started. "Mum and Dad booked two staterooms. One for them and another for Caitlin, Alex, Jamie and me."
"Alex!" Kim said in shock. "Alex is going on a naturist cruise and sleeping in the same room as you girls?"
"No," Emily said, sounding a little bit disappointed. "He really loves Jamie and said he could handle being nude around Caitlin and me, but didn't think he could do it on a cruise around all those strangers. Something about undercover cops cruising for prey..."
"I bet Jamie was disappointed," Kim said.
"She was, but she understood," Emily answered. "The whole idea was so that she would have someone her age. I guess Mum and Dad figured Caitlin and I had each other
SPARE ME, NEIL.
and wanted Jamie to have someone."
"What about Amanda?" Kim asked.
"That was Alex's suggestion," Emily replied. "Amanda wasn't that thrilled about running around naked for ten days either, plus she wants to spend the summer with the baby. She's too old for Neil's tastes, y'know. Jamie and Hermione are his pedobeards, but Amanda? Naaaaah. Old hag."
"Jamie has a lot of friends, but none as close as Alex and Amanda," Kim said.
"No, she doesn't. That's why she suggested you."
"Me!" Kim shouted excitedly, and then she hesitated. "But I'd have to be naked for ten days in front of all those people."
"Kim, you're naked now, our dorm-mates see you naked," Emily reminded her. "You're always nude in my parents' quarters. Besides these will all be strangers that you'll never see again, and they'll all be nude. And you want to be one of the COOL kids, don't you? Strip. And don't complain when Neil touches you. He's just being friendly. And you were asking for it."
"You're sure this is okay with Jamie and your parents?" Kim asked excitedly.
"One hundred percent sure. They know how close Caitlin, you OXFORD COMMA! and me are. They'd love for you to join us."
Kim looked at Emily, elatedly. "Your dad will be nude. I'll get to see Professor Potter naked."
"Maybe even Professor Weasley,"
This, of course, is of utmost importance. :D
Emily added, with a giggle, "but I wouldn't count on that. He really has a hangHYPHENup when it comes to nudity."
I dunno, throw him in a room with a naked Hermione, and I tell you, those clothes will disappear as if Vanished...
"I'm crazy if I say yes
Totally agreed!
and a fool not cool like youif I say no," Kim said animatedly. "I want to go. I'm sure my Mum will let me, only...."
"Only it might be a good idea to skip the fact that it's a naturist cruise," Emily finished.
"Yeah," Kim said. "What with everything she has gone through recently, I'm not sure if she could cope with that much detail."
Guys. Look. Neil just happily wrote about a twelve-year-old girl being subtly pressured into going on a nude cruise without her mother and lying to her mother about the skeezy details. GUYS.
This is beyond wank-fantasy-land. This is going into separating a girl from her caretakers and luring her into a situation where she could, in reality, be - I can't believe this. I can't believe this. This is... *quickly makes warding sign against evil* I am very, very afraid for any little girl Neil comes into contact with. Truly. I... D:
"Great, we can tell my parents after breakfast. Let's have a shower and get dressed," Emily suggested.
The girls each grabbed soap and headed for the showers, Kim not realizing it, singing.
"I've never heard you sing before," Emily said, astounded. "You really have an appealing voice. Have you ever thought of being a professional?"
Child-grooming, Emily?
{blahblahblah, they shower}
Kim went to her dresser and brushed her hair as Emily search for her dress and a book on how to speaky good English.
Kim's first look at the dress didn't come until Emily said. "What do you think of it? Isn't it pretty?"
Kim just stared. She couldn't believe her eyes. Yes, the dress was pretty, quite pretty, wrote Neil, wanking furiously, quite furiously. It was a bright floral pattern that really caught your eye. The color brought out the highlights in Emily'S hair.
FOUR BETAS, YOU LOT! It's FOUR nowadays!
It was a two-piece outONEWORDfit, composed of a short skirt and a loose midriff exposing top. It was beautiful and would look great on an eight year old that it fit.
D8
You're into EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS now, Neil?! FBI!!!
"I've grown a little, but it still fits," Emily said happily. "Are you ready to go for breakfast?"
"You're not seriously going to wear that?" Kim asked, not able to take her eyes off Emily. "It barely covers what it has to cover and I'm not even sure the skirt does that."
"You're exaggerating," Emily said defensively.
"No I'm not," Kim insisted. "The top just barely covers your breasts. If you reach your hands above your head, they'll doubtlessly pop out."
"Then I'll be sure not to do that," Emily said unconcernedly.
"And as for the skirt," Kim continued, "if it even covers everything that it should, it only does so barely."
*retches* I... Schnoogle should have rules against this. It should. 'No fics clearly written for the express purpose of wanking to naked little girls', what do you think of that?
Emily gave the skirt a little tug, which accomplished absolutely nothing. "Other then THAN it being a tiny bit small, what do you think of it?" Emily asked.
"It's very pretty," Kim said, accepting defeat. "I can understand why you love it and hate to give it up. You wouldn't just this once consider wearing knickers?"
Emily looked at Kim as if she had said a bad word. In Neil's mind, she certainly had.
"Okay then, let's go to breakfast, but please be careful," Kim sighed apprehensively. "Neil's on the prowl."
* * * * * *
"I think perhaps I should have listened to you," Emily said in a conceding voice as they seated themselves at the long Slytherin table. "I'll change clothes immediately after breakfast."
"What made you change you mind?" Kim asked.
"My bare bum against the wooden bench.
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIL!
If there isn't enough skirt for me to sit on, it must really be short," Emily admitted. "It's a weird thing about being a nudist. I'm not the least bit bothered if anyone sees me totally naked or even gets a glimpse of my so called private parts, but it does bother me if people think I am purposely dressing to expose those areas."
(Neil) After all, it bothers the FBI if they think I'm purposely writing to expose little girl's naked bodies...
"Most people probably wouldn't understand, but I believe I do," Kim said supportingly. "You don't dress skimpily in order to be sexy, but rather just because you hate wearing clothes."
(Neil) The FBI will buy that, right? Right?
"That's it," Emily said, relieved that Kim understood, "but most people can't identify with how naturists feel having to be clothed all the time." Emily looked around the Great Hall. "Fortunately for me, most people either ate early or are skipping breakfast today."
Hogwarts has a dress code. The Sue would at least have black robes over her uber-skimpy dress in canon... *siiiigh* I MISS CANON! EVEN THE GALLANT CRUCIATUS AT THIS POINT! DDDDDDDDDDD:
{snip}
The Slytherin table was especially empty with huge gaps separating those present. Dick Bancroft and his ever present shadow, Dennis Crow were seated at the end closet to the staff table,
FORESHADOWING.
so naturally Emily and Kim had sat at the extreme other end.
This sounds like the Ariana Black series - hmm? What's that? *pauses* Wow, even Ariana Black refuses to be associated with this fic. That's impressive. (...Unsurprising, though. Even Sues have standards.)
The only other Slytherins present were Denise and Janice who were on the other side about two-thirds of the way down the table and Tyler, who was on their side about midHYPHENtable, sitting alone.
MORE FORESHADOWING.
Emily and Kim were enjoying this relative privacy;
Elbe: *thousand-yard stare* The commas... the commas... make it stop...
using the time to talk about the cruise. Emily had just taken a sip of her orange juice when it happened. At first Kim thought the glass had slipped for Emily's hand and broken, but then she saw the blood and realized that Emily Ron had crushed the glass Sue's skull with a spork.
Emily seemed oblivious to her injury as she stood up from the table, blood dripping from her bleeding hand. Kim tried talking to her friend, but Emily appeared to be in a trance, not even aware of her surroundings.
Is she usually?
When Emily spoke;
Elbe: *goes into a commatose state* *that is not a typo*
it was with a voice not her own, but deep and raspy and so loud that her words echoed through the Hall.
"THE STARS
The Blacks: Keep us out of this!
PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARKLORD
Gellert Grindelwald: Me? :D
Voldemort: No, me.
Gellert Grindelwald: No, I am the greatest Dark Lord. You are a Saint Mungo's escapee.
Voldemort: I AM NOT!
Harry Potter: No, I am the greatest Dark Lord!
Gellert Grindelwald: You haven't even arrived yet.
Harry Potter: Honestly, after the Elder Wand reasoning, you're attempting to stop my return with a little thing like basic logic?
Ariana Dumbledore: *strange and dangerous* No, I am the greatest Dark Lord of all time! And if you dare to argue with me, you must face... THE GOATS!
Gellert Grindelwald: My dear girl, you're female. You'd be a Dark Lady.
Ariana Dumbledore: BAH! LITTLE THINGS LIKE REALITY! THIS IS NOT THE DUMBLEDORE WAY!
FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR,
THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR.
Ginny: All right, no one has the right to mock ME for my poetry ever again.
Guardian's Song: Why do I have an image of cake-batter!Slytherin?
TWO OF HIS OWN, SEER AND HEIR,
TWO OF HIS ENEMIES, HEALER AND HEIR,
That shouldn't even count as a true rhyme! It's REPETITION!
TWO DROPS OF EACH, NOT ANY MORE,
Is this a prophecy or a limerick?!
WITH THEIR DEATH BY HIS HAND,
TO HIS BODY HE WILL BE RETURNED,
Okay, now Neil's not even trying.
Also? THEY DON'T EVEN DIE! Damn it! You filthy LIAR, Neil!
TO WALK THE EARTH A MORTAL MAN,
Voldemort: ..."Mortal man" isn't something at all intimidating, Muggle fool.
BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED,
Canon!Wizarding World: ...There's a difference?
NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN.
*facepalm* Why is he pretending to write this as verse? TERRY GOODKIND writes better prophecies than this. GOODKIND. GOODKIND!!!
THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING,
SORROW AND PAIN BADSEX WILL OFT BE THE FAME.
WTF?!
MANY WILL DIE DREADING THE NAME,
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN.
Is this a bad theme song or a prophecy?!
Also, I'm sorry. I should NOT have asked for rhyming again. >_<
THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE
AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT
*applauds slowly* Wow, Neil. You know what two cubed is. Wooooooooooooooooooow. *FACEKEYBOARD*
WITH HEALTH AND SIGHT AND SPIRIT BRIGHT,
THE HEART AND SOUL AND MIND, none of which Neil possesses, WILL ADD THEIR WEIGHT
BUT ONLY WHEN THE FLAMING DAUGHTER DUMBLEDORE OUT-SMUG-BASTARDS THE STUS, AS ONLY HE CAN,
AND THE MOONCHILD JOIN THE FRAY
You know, the Moon Child was prophesized to bring about the end of the world in The Legend of Dragoon. Just bringing that up...
WILL THE WORLD DEFEAT EVIL
AND RETURN SLYTHERIN NEIL TO HIS GRAVE ROOM"
...You know, the "reviving Salazar Slytherin, TEH UBER DARK LORD" plot comes from THE DRACO TRILOGY. Yes. Neil is ripping off CASSANDRA CLAIRE. HE'S RIPPING OFF CASSANDRA CLAIRE!
...It's almost like karma, except that I wouldn't wish Neil defiling a fic upon ANY author. The spooge stains will take forever to clean off... DDDD:
When she finished speaking, Emily collapsed to the floor in an epileptic-tree type of seizure on top of a hapless first-year. Kim was at a loss as to what to do as her friend violently gyrated on the floor, shaking and tossing about as her even-younger victim wailed for his mommy and tried to crawl out from under her, to no avail. Since Emily and Kim had been seated on the wall side of the Slytherin table, none of the members of other houses were aware of what had happened to Emily. Being completely deaf, they didn't notice the banging and thrashing noises. Most were discussing what she had said, thinking she had perhaps fainted and would be attended to by staff. That was until Denise yelled to her cousin.
"Dick Neil! Hurry, you can't miss this," Denise shouted. "Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor. Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on." Neil came explosively all over his computer monitor, grunted, and kept typing. Alas.
You would have thought that she had announced that Honeydukes was giving away free candy.
...Neil, you sick fuck, not everyone lusts after twelve-year-old girls...
Not only Dick, but also every other student in the Hall, both male and female, ran frantically to witness the sight.
BITCH, PLEASE!
But Tyler was nearest and, despite the fact that Emily hated him, he didn't hesitate to run and throw his body on top of hers to obstruct the other students from viewing her.
Neil, you know, if people find you on top of a naked, struggling girl, that WON'T work as a valid excuse, it just WON'T...
"Her breasts," Kim shouted in panic to Tyler. He had successfully succeeded in covering Emily's lower extremities
Her feet?
with his body and was doing his utmost to maintain that coverage despite her gyrations,
Oh, I BET he is.
but now her breasts were also exposed. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly covered them with his hands.
NEIL, I TELL YOU, THE POLICE WON'T BUY THAT STORY...
"Just what type of perversion is going on here?" Professor Malfoy said, looking down scornfully at the couple on the floor.
Draco, stop taking up the slack from Ron before I have to fangirl you! I don't WANT to fangirl you! D:
End of Chapter 23
I refuse to believe he has four betas. I just refuse.
DAS MERVIN, CHAPTER 23 IS DONE! SPORKING MAY RE-COMMENCE!