And on the slightly more embarrassing front... (Pt. 1/2)
In case you’re wondering what the "first chapter of a certain fic" was like, but don’t want to plow through all the words, here’s the disgruntled summary I was doing in the background while I was finishing it up. (Suffice to say that I was thoroughly fed up with the fic at that point... though all the chapters after the first should serve as a relief, since they'll be moving off the momentum already set up, rather than having to steer canon attitudes ninety degress off course for three separate characters at once. *whine, whine, self pity, self pity*)
THE RIGHT SORT, Chapter 1 (Script-Format Parody)
Draco: “You’ll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.”
Harry: *ITALICIZED FLASHBACKS OF ANGST*
(Note: Let’s just say that the flashbacks are remnants of a much stupider first draft and leave it at that.)
Harry: *thinking* Oh, woe! Oh, the sorrow, the pity! People are still gits in the magical world, too! I totally didn’t expect this! *out loud* Say, Draco, am I the right sort?
Draco: Uh, sure, why?
Harry: Because now I’ve got to dramatically take the situation completely overboard, because that’s what Guardian’s Song always does. *cough* I mean - but how do you know Voldemort didn’t just trip and blow himself up?
Draco: *in horror* Potter, never say anything like that in front of Slytherins! We kill people who have read ahead!
Harry: You do? Oh **** - but anyway, what if I am the right sort only because of luck?
Draco: *piously* Don’t say that; all things occur according to the Divine Plan of Rowling, no matter how arbitrary things may seem at the time.
Harry: We’re in a fanfiction, you stupid bugger.
Draco: What? Damn it - in that case, Potter, it is luck.
Harry: *WAAAAAAAAANGST*
Draco: Hey, the alternative’s studying your brains out, working your way up, and making grand sacrifices for a greater good, only to get chomped in the neck by a snake.
Harry: Actually, that sounds great! Thanks, Malfoy!
Draco: Oh, Merlin, Potter, you’re too stupid to live.
Hermione: *from the doorway* It is good that Granger, the Great and Terrible, will be here to guide him, then.
Draco: Hmm, I think a fate worse than any I could have contrived for you has just shown up… *leaves*
Hermione: The Lady Granger was already planning on conquering the Wizarding world, Muggle-born status or no, but what Malfoy said on that front makes for a convenient ice-breaker on the subject.
Ron: Uh, you sure you could manage it? The Purebloods -
Hermione: The Purebloods will not be permitted to be an obstacle. *ominous thunder in the distance*
Harry: What’s a Pureblood?
Ron and Hermione: Blah blah blah, Slytherins suck.
Harry: So why’s anyone put up with them?
Ron: Huh? But then, who’d be the villain class?
Scabbers: *squeaks pointedly*
Ron: Oh, you mean in-universe reasons? Right, then - because they’re sneaky, greedy, ruthless bastards. Dumbledore’s the only one who can handle them, because he’s awesome.
Harry: Okay, rephrase - why hasn’t anyone tried to be a sneaky, greedy, ruthless bastard right back, then?
Ron: …Are you feeling all right?
Hermione: They’re also rolling in cash and highly influential, you know.
Harry: But once we climb to the top of the Wizarding world… over the course of… several decades… Er…
“Canon!Harry”: WTH am I doing? Can’t I just enjoy life? What’s with all this crazy stuff?
Hermione: Well, Dumbledore’s done an amazing job of beating them without being sneaky -
Dramatic Irony: *is dramatic*
Hermione: - or ruthless -
Dramatic Irony: *is dramatic*
Hermione: -or any of those things. But WIZARDS LIKE HIM only come about ONCE EVERY CENTURY, and it’s a terribly hard job to do ALONE - he doesn’t have any EQUALS, you see, wouldn’t it be nice if he had an EQUAL alongside him?
Harry: *ducks* D’you mind putting down the Sledgehammer of Grindeldore Subtext?
Hermione: *tosses it through the compartment window* And also, Slytherin never changes because no one can imagine it changing, because it’s never changed, because no one could imagine it ever changing, because it never changed, because no one could imagine it ever changing, because it never changed, because…
Harry: All right, already! All right! Fine, fine, so somebody needs to change it! I get it! And since I’m the designated protagonist, that means I’ve -
Ron: Excuse me?! The Boy-Who-Lived in a House full of the Death Eaters’ kids? Are - you - mental?
Harry: Angst, angst, I survived the Dursleys, this can’t be too bad.
Ron: Look, you don’t know if the deus ex machinā that saved you against You-Know-Who will work twice!
Harry: *pulls card out of pocket* Actually, it’s a lifetime pass to survive any and all deadly encounters with Dark wizards, no matter how contrived the explanation for my survival has to get. Look, Rowling signed it herself. *shows it to Ron*
Ron: As you said to Malfoy, “We’re in a fanfiction, you stupid bugger.”
Harry: *jerks card back* Oh, ****!
Hermione: *piously* Have you not faith in Dumbledore, who watches over us all? He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows whether you’ve been bad or good…
Harry: Would have appreciated that at the Dursleys, thanks. Anyway, I haven’t been reading ahead at aaaaaaaaall, and I especially haven’t been reading ahead to Half-Blood Prince, but I have this funny feeling the Slytherins don’t know I don’t know what happened, and so I can pull some Dark!Powerful!Harry act on them and hope they never catch on.
Ron: For seven years straight?
Harry: Stop talking Earth Logic, damn it, or the author will make this a bloody Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle crossover, and we’ll see what happens to your precious Earth Logic!
Hermione: Besides, did you really think the Lady Granger would let the mere Boy-Who-Lived have all the fun?
Ron: ...What? Are you out of your bloody mind?! You want to get KILLED?
Hermione: By Rowling, I’ve read ahead to Deathly Hallows, and I will not put up with any sort of oppression For the Muggleborns’ own good! Full speed ahead! Muggleborn-Slytherin or bust!
Ron: …*gapes*
Hermione: *to Harry* We can watch each other’s backs in Slytherin, right?
Harry: *befuddled nod*
Hermione: Goooood. Goooooood! Rise, my young apprentice, Darth Potter! The Slytherins will have no idea what to do with a Muggleborn and the Boy-Who-Lived in their precious House. *cackles maniacally*
Ron: Kill both of them?
Hermione: Stop harshing my buzz, Weasley. If you really don’t want to bow to the almighty Will of the Plot, the door’s that-a-way.
Ron: The Will of the Plot?! You should have said so! Right, then, I’ll be joining you in Slytherin!
*long pause*
Harry: …So she didn’t need to make it a TRC crossover after all?
Hermione: Explain yourself, because I don’t think even the author knows what she’s doing at this point.
Ron: Well, you know how I explained at length why going into Slytherin was a bad idea, a borderline death-sentence, and basically something you’d only do if you had the plot breathing down your neck? And how you two thought it was bloody brilliant?
Hermione: …Yes?
Ron: So clearly you two are in need of someone with a functioning brain. Er, I mean - since I’m Pureblood, I could pass for the black sheep of the family and spy on the other Slytherins for you! Now, watch Guardian’s Song completely forget about this the moment she’s actually supposed to write it, because she’s absolute rubbish at politicking.
Harry: Yeah, we kind of guessed that.
Hermione: I don’t know, your plan sounds rather Slytherin to me…
Ron: No, no, no! Ronniekins is not being a Slytherin, Slytherins are being very bad, Ronniekins is not being one of those nasty mean awful Slytherins, no Harry Potter sir. It is not being Slytherin if Ronniekins is doing it For The Greater Good, no it is not.
Hermione: Stop stealing my lines!
Harry: Now that we’ve decided we’re going into Slytherin to change it… would anybody care to explain WHAT we’re trying to change about it, again?
Hermione: *clears throat* Let the record show that the “victim” gave his full and informed consent.
Harry: I have a bad feeling about this.
Hermione: Hem, hem - you can’t safeword out of an infodump, dear boy.
(Actual Quote) Well, the very first thing we would have to do is challenge their beliefs that the very best witches and wizards come from - and only come from - the ‘purest’ bloodlines, which seems to be the cornerstone of their philosophy. Which is patently ridiculous, of course. I’ve already told you why I think there’s a dearth of successful Muggle-born witches and wizards in the magical world, and absolutely everyone can name spectacular failures from the oldest of the old families. There’s no excuse for the people who are outside Slytherin and still believe in that nonsense, but those who aren’t probably only still believe in it because, in Slytherin, no one is willing to challenge such ideas - which is almost exactly the reason for the other half of Slytherin’s poor reputation.
I’m talking about the Dark Arts, of course, and all the witches and wizards in Slytherin who practice them
[It] wasn’t always that way. Slytherin used to be only marginally more inclined to the Dark Arts than any of the other Houses, and that was because the sort of witches and wizards that went into Slytherin were often extraordinarily ambitious - of course, it’s one of the House virtues - and a few resorted to terrible things to get what they wanted, I’m afraid. But it wasn’t half as bad as it is today, or even a quarter, really.
Oh… let me see, how do I say this quickly? A lot of things that used to be deemed neutral, or at least acceptable, in England became classified as Dark Arts, Azkaban, which used to be reserved for only the very worst of the worst criminals, became England’s only magical prison, the power of the old families increased due to Muggle persecutions that mainly cut down Muggle-born and half-blood witches and wizards while leaving the old families, who had enough places to hide and enough resources to bribe off inquisitors, untouched… There are quite a lot of reasons, really. But suffice to say, Dark wizards and witches soon found themselves unwelcome in Hufflepuff, deemed dangerous by Ravenclaw - because they brought suspicion upon the entire House, which was already trying to fend off accusations from hateful idiots who regarded all knowledge and learning as dubious at best and evil at worst, and would have been quite happy for any evidence that Ravenclaw was an innately Dark House, no matter how ridiculous or flimsy, so Ravenclaw had no choice but to - I’m sorry, I’m going completely off-topic, where was I? Oh, yes. Meanwhile, the Dark Gryffindors kept getting themselves killed or sent to Azkaban, so the supporters of Dark Arts in Gryffindor got depleted. That left only Slytherin as a safe haven, especially because, in addition to their starting inclination towards the Dark Arts, Slytherins almost all continued to support the ‘old ways’, even though a great deal of them had been judged to be Dark and abandoned by greater wizarding society - and so Slytherin found itself stuffed with four Houses’ worth of Dark witches and wizards. As you might imagine, that soon turned into a vicious circle, because the more potentially Dark witches and wizards that went into Slytherin, the more that came out and the more that thought their children might be welcome there, and the more that turned Dark because of the influences of their Housemates, and so Slytherin ended up becoming almost synonymous with Dark witches and wizards - which resulted, of course, in You-Know-Who’s rise to power. And - well, we know the rest, don’t we?
Ron: Iä! Iä! Shub-Grangerath! The Dread Lady of the Books with a Thousand Infodumps! *breaks down into hysterical sobbing*
Harry: Ph’nglui infomglw’nafhdump Granger R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Hermione: Hmph, that’s what I get for teaching you anything.
Harry: Where was I? NO, WAIT, I REMEMBER, PLEASE, DON’T - Blah blah blah, the right sort, NEXT SCENE, PLEASE, BEFORE SHE STARTS TALKING AGAIN!
=SCENE BREAK=
Guardian’s Song: So, how many words can you fit into a simple scene describing Harry, Ron, and Hermione getting out of their compartment and joining the crowd in the corridor as the Hogwarts Express reaches its destination?
Rose-Potter-Style Plagiarism Of Canon Descriptions And Dialogue: *comes bobbing over the heads of the other students* Firs’ years! Firs’ years over here! All right there, Harry?
Harry: I guess… Now, I don’t mind being a ninja druid, but could I be a bit less psychopathic this time? Or at least less nudist? And do I really need that sex-change operation?
RPSPOCDAD: Meh, we’ll see. Now look, there’s Hogwarts!
Neville: Also, thanks for finding Trevor in the wizards’ restroom.
Harry: Can I forget that experience as soon as possible?
RPSPOCDAD: And also, here’s the interior of Hogwarts! And here you are, waiting backstage while they get the Sorting ready. Bye for now - I’ve got to join them. *departs*
Harry: You know, I’m getting the pre-Slytherin jitters…
“Canon!Harry”: Hi. Has it occurred to you that this is insanely stupid, Ron had a point, and that you ought not to be so eager to dash right back into Number Four Privet Drive, Magical Edition?
Harry: Eh, I’ll have to deal with them no matter where I am at Hogwarts. Also, ever since Hermione very definitely did not read ahead to Chamber of Secrets, I’ve been wondering if they’re planning to sic the very-definitely-not-a-basilisk on me.
“Canon!Harry”: *goes suspiciously silent*
Hogwarts Ghosts: Because Guardian’s Song had nothing better to do at this point, here we are. Now with added Grey Lady and Bloody Baron!
Zacharias Smith: *makes a cameo*
RPSPOCDAD: I’m back! Time to get down to the Sorting!
Harry: Because I read ahead - uh, Hermione read Hogwarts: A History, I know this battered old thing is the Sorting Hat. Time for me to engage in a bunch of pointless speculation, for pointless speculation is the pathological-infodumper’s favorite variety of word-padding. *pointed look at the fourth wall*
Hermione: *to Ron* Why do you keep muttering about wrestling a troll?
Ron: Tell you later.
“Canon!Harry”: And do you really think you can change an entire House before it changes you?
Harry: Will you be quiet?
RPSPOCDAD: Abbott, Hannah! Get thee to Hufflepuff!
“Canon!Harry”: *desperately* Ooh, Hufflepuff, that’s a nice House!
Harry: Will you be quiet?
RPSPOCDAD: Bones, Susan! Go forth and puff your huffle! Boot, Terry! Off to Ravenclaw with you!
“Canon!Harry”: And Ravenclaw isn’t so bad!
Harry: Will you be QUIET?
RPSPCODAD: Brown, Lavender! Bad romantic subplots await you in GRYFFINDOR!
“Canon!Harry”: Hey, you know, that sounds pretty -
Harry: WILL. YOU. BE. QUIET?
Hermione: And hooray, my name just got called! Off to my first POV scene -
Ron: That poor Hat!
[cont. next post due to LJ post-size limit]