And on the slightly more embarrassing front... (Pt. 2/2)
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Sorting Hat: Now, I wonder where I should put you…
Hermione: Slytherin, Slytherin!
Sorting Hat: *ignores*
Hermione: …Slytherin?
Sorting Hat: Yes, I think you’d do best in R-
Hermione: SLYTHERIN!!!
Sorting Hat: Don’t shout. You know, Mr. Weasley had the right idea…
Hermione: You DARE defy the Lady Granger?
Sorting Hat: Actually, I do.
Hermione: What? I’ll - I’ll sue for discrimination! …Wait, how do I even go about suing a hat? And is discrimination illegal in the Wizarding world?
Sorting Hat: Nope. And sorry, can’t put you in Slytherin - too many bigoted psychopaths in one place.
Hermione: So why didn’t you spread them out?
Sorting Hat: Can’t screw with the Sorting unless it’s to protect the student’s safety, sorry. And I can’t tell who’s going to turn evil at eleven, and I’m not willing to screw with children’s lives just over what might happen, so I don’t screw with Sortings to protect other students’ safety, either.
Hermione: Oh, you mean like how my getting attacked by the bigoted psychopaths in Slytherin might happen?
Sorting Hat: #@$*!
Hermione: Fine, I don’t tell anyone about my being Muggle-born, and I’ve got Harry Potter on my side - how’s that? Is it so certain now that my safety as at stake when I go into Slytherin?
Sorting Hat: …Heck with it, fine, you can go. Plot demands it, after all. Oh, by the way, let me mention the only other Muggle-born Slytherin for two centuries - I can tell you there was one without violating confidentiality because it’ll take forever for you to figure out who she was. Also, she had a special power that’s blatantly Parseltongue, even though I’m being coy about it, and at least one son.
Hermione: *flips through her copies of the canon books * Okay, because Guardian’s Song, in true Quibbler style, prefers coming up with lunatic theories with some vague connection to canon to creating things out of whole cloth, I’m looking for someone who has some small shred of evidence that he might be a closet Parselmouth, and a mother who was Muggle-born, had Slytherin personality traits, and didn’t have her House specified in canon…
Sorting Hat: My dear girl, let me just tell you now that your habit of reading ahead will not be tolerated in SLYTHERIN!
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Harry: What took Hermione so long to get Sorted?
Ron: Because if you thought the exchange above was long, you ought to see the padded version.
RPSPOCDAD: *yawns and fans self* This is going to take a while… Greengrass, Daphne! Get thee to a nunnery - I mean, Slytherin!
Harry: *semi-canon angst*
RPSPOCDAD: Potter, Harry! And here’s your lines, Sorting Hat!
Sorting Hat: Thank you… handy eldritch abomination, you are.
“Canon!Harry”: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin!
Harry: I mean Slytherin, I mean Slytherin!
Sorting Hat: Ah, bad case of the multiple personalities? Happens to the best witches and wizards, really. By the way, Slytherin does suit you best.
Harry: Mm, would have been awkward if I really had been against Slytherin, wouldn’t it?
Sorting Hat: Yep. Now, with a bit of help from RPSPOCDAD, I’ll throw you to the wolves - I mean, to SLYTHERIN!
Slytherins: AVE SATANI! AVE SATANI!
Harry: What?
Slytherins: Er, nothing.
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Zacharias Smith: *makes another cameo*
Ron: Did you like him that much in the Sacrifices Arc, author?
Blaise Zabini: *is contemptuous*
RPSPOCDAD: Thomas, Dean! Get thine rear to Gryffindor! Turpin, Lisa! It’s Ravenclaw for you! Weasley, R-
HP Wiki List of Students Sorted In 1991: Actually, there’s a Vane, Emma between them, but it’s a minor detail, anyway. Now get up here, Mr. Weasley!
Ron: I’m putting on an act that I’m all confident and dignified so I’ll look like a natural Slytherin. Also, walking this slowly gives me time for one of Guardian’s Song’s beloved mental monologues, because nothing is more realistic and in-character than a bunch of eleven-year-olds performing Hagrid Shrugged.
Scabbers: *squeaks pointedly*
Ron: Uh, let’s change the subject - Wasn’t that cheering creepy? It’s like they were welcoming in a new Dark Lord - No, that couldn’t be! They’ve got to be mental! Harry isn’t a Dark Lord! Sure, when we were on the Hogwarts Express, at times he was a bit strange and unnerving, but mostly he was sweet and scared and harmless… And they think he’s the next Dark Lord? That’s horrible!
Wait, no - it’s great! This is Slytherin we’re talking about! If they think he’s the villain rather than the protagonist, they’ll all jump to obey his commands, because it’s in their contract as Evil Minions! At least until we get to the point where they’re supposed to develop sympathetic traits, so that the Minion Union can hold strikes for better pay, better treatment, and better PR. Guess we’ll just have to do all we can until then, right?
Sorting Hat: SLYTHERIN!
Ron: Huh? When did I put you on?
Fred and George: TRAITOR!
Slytherins: *suddenly start cheering*
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Draco: What are you doing in my House?!
Ron: …The Sorting Hat put me here?
Slytherins: *snicker*
RPSPOCDAD: Zabini, Blaise! Get yourself off to Slytherin so we can finish this blasted Sorting, already! Oh, and Dumbledore, say your lines.
Harry: Is he - a bit mad?
Theodore Nott: Completely senile. *stuffs peppermint humbugs in mouth*
Daphne Greengrass: Weasley and Granger, how did you run across Harry Potter, anyway?
Draco: I did tooooooo! Pay attention to meeee! But Potter thinks he’s too good for help, doesn’t he?
Harry: No, I just don’t like you. How d’you think you were behaving, anyway?
Draco: Can’t everyone agree some families are much better than others, and Weasleys aren’t one of them? This is Slytherin, for Morgan le Fay’s sake, not Hufflepuff!
Various Slytherins: Speaking of how this is Slytherin, not Hufflepuff, aren’t we supposed to be subtle?
Draco: Et tu, Pansy?!
Harry: GUARDIAN’S SONG is preaching about subtlety and diplomacy? I - er - ehehehe - *tries unsuccessfully not to choke on pumpkin juice* Um - Oh, look, there’s the teachers’ table - and oh, look, there’s the first pain in my scar!
Slytherins: *start circling the wounded prey*
Harry: Well, thanks for your… uh… concern. Who was that, by the way?
Daphne Greengrass: Oh, that’s Professor Snape!
Harry: ****! *buries nose in Potions textbook*
Theodore Nott: Stop worrying, our first class with him isn’t until Friday. *stuffs mint chocolate chip ice cream in mouth*
Slytherins: Because we’re ever so much smarter than those silly canon Gryffindors, we know Snape couldn’t actually be that interested in Quirrel’s job, ‘cos of the curse.
Harry: Wait, I thought you weren’t supposed to read ahead?
Hermione: Harry, after the first few dozen career-ending catastrophes, I would think anyone with intelligence beyond that of a turnip wouldn’t need any assistance from canon to realize something wasn’t right at Hogwarts. Your Order of the Phoenix self, on the other hand…
Harry: Hey!
Theodore Nott: Exactly, Granger. Defense Against The Dark Arts has become the Chudley Cannons of Hogwarts subjects.
Ron: Hey!
RPSPOCDAD: Blah blah blah, Hogwarts school song!
Slytherins: We are too good for this plebian tone-deaf screeching.
RPSPOCDAD: Off to bed with you!
Emma Vane: *on the way there* Because Guardian’s Song has a temporary out based upon one of Slughorn’s off-handed comments in Half-Blood Prince and it’s a lot more convenient than having Slytherin House go hysterical from the very start about having a Mudblood in their precious little House, I’m going to say that I thought you Grangers all moved to Australia.
Theodore Nott: Vague justifications before Granger can make a damning slip. There’s a magical school in the Outback, isn’t that cool?
Slytherin Dungeons: *make a Zork reference*
Slytherin Prefect: And right through here, we’re going to have a scene with Peeves that’s longer and more dramatic than the one those measly Gryffindors got, because we, of course, have -
Bloody Baron: *drops from the ceiling onto Peeves and pulls him down through the floor*
Slytherin Prefect: - the Baron on our side. He won’t be making any trouble for the next few days… Anyway, grab the walking sticks he was carrying as souvenirs, and let’s go on.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco: We can haz sticks?
Harry: And now, I have to bloody over-analyze a damp stone wall. And this lady wonders why the first chapter alone has gotten so damn long?
Slytherin Prefect: *says password, and a door in the stone wall slides open*
Harry: Well, so much for that.
*they head through*
Slytherins: A tentacle comes forth from the darkness! (1d6 first-years are eaten each term, no saves.)
Slytherin Prefect: Oh, that’s just the Giant Squid! Relax, it’s on the other side of the window, anyway. And if the window ever gave way, we’d have better things to worry about… like, say, the entire LAKE rushing in on us? Off to your dormitories, kiddies.
Harry: Well, guess it’s goodnight, then.
*they wish each other luck*
Various Eavesdropping Slytherins: *alarmed* What is the OBWHF, and why did Weasley just assure them that we would all be assimilated?
*off to the bedrooms*
Blaise Zabini: Now, no killing each other our first night here - it’d wreck our reputations.
Draco: So it needs to look like an accident, is that what you’re saying, Zabini?
Ron: *simultaneously* So the second night’s fair game?
*they pick beds on opposite ends of the room*
Harry: Now, is Slytherin so bad?
Ron: Well, no, but we’ve only met the first-years. Ever seen how cute a baby manticore looks?
Harry: ...*conks out*
Theodore Nott: *stuffs mint-scented pillow in mouth*
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Dream!Ron: Harry, don’t you remember your vows? This is all wrong! You don’t want this! You must be ordinary so that Connor can be extraordinary -
Harry: That’s just rot! I - wait, who’s Connor?
Dream!Ron: Wait, this isn’t the Sacrifices Arc? Excuse me, let me check my copy of the script again…
Harry: But on that subject, my Stockholm Syndrome, let me show you it.
Dream!Ron: And let me drop various lines from The Missing Mirror so even the densest readers will realize some of what’s being implied here.
Harry: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!
Dream!Ron: Um… well, I suppose point-of-view characters are supposed to be denser than the densest readers. Never mind that, though - Come towards the pretty Phoenix web, Harry -
Harry: What in the world is a Phoenix web?
Dream!Ron: Blast, this still isn’t the Sacrifices Arc? I think I need a new script.
Harry: Yeah, you probably do.
Dream!Ron: And now, since I’ve taken the form of a traditional defender of canon characterization, sanity, and just plain common sense, I must offer my opinion of the premise, plotting, and execution of this fic:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGH-
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Harry: Welp, big dramatic dream sequence - that couldn’t possibly be foreshadowing, now could it? …Wait, what couldn’t possibly be foreshadowing? Wait, what’s foreshadowing? *falls back asleep, feeling extremely confused*
=END CHAPTER=