The Thorns of the Rose, Part 1/(2?)

[guardians_song]

Guardian’s Song: I hate hand-coding HTML.
That was your spork-captain whining. *sigh* So, without further ado…
A sandy-haired adolescent shifts around on his piece of rubble and asks, "What happened to this place?"
"A… pair of rampaging dragons?" A magenta-haired adolescent shakes her head and puts down the notice. "That can't be right…"
The Thorns of the Rose
by Cori Falls
@->->-


It was a warm, sunny day in early summer. A balmy breeze whispered through the streets and perfumed the quaint mountain village with the fragrance of a thousand rose bushes in full bloom. The doors of the little brick church swung open, and a bride and groom walked out, arm-in-arm.

A wedding in June. The picture-perfect scene.

Almost.
Tom: *narrating* Then th' other thirty-eight spouses'a miscellaneous sexes and species wandered out.

"Augh! I can't stand it anymore!" Jessie cried.
Jerry: - as she was forced to listen to yet another dramatic reading of yet another of Cori Falls's fics.

"Meowth! My ears are gonna be ringin' forever after dis!"
Guardian's Song: - as he listened to a dramatic reading of OOTP with full CAPSLOCK volume-accuracy.

I sighed. Why does this always have to happen to us?

We had landed in the belfry of the church after being blasted off by the Brat Pack, yet again, and now the three of us were clinging to the inside of the bells for dear life. And to make matters worse, poor Arbok and Victreebel were out of their poke balls
Ariana: :D That's good! So they didn't have to get poked while all this was going on!
when we blasted off, so they got the dubious pleasure of sharing in our fate.

What were we going to do to get out of this one? If we let go, it was a long drop to the brick walkway beneath us and we'd splatter everywhere,
Guardian’s Song: Let’s recall: Team Rocket, even in Cori Falls’s fics, survive explosions that blast them miles away on numerous occasions. Miss Falls, make up your mind on what Team Rocket can survive and what they can’t. I’m sure they’ve fallen from much higher up than the roof of even the grandest cathedral. May I remind you that they’ve been blasted out of sight several times?
but if we held on much longer, those ringing bells were going to blow out our eardrums and smash us to a bloody pulp.
Guardian’s Song: Look, if you try to play Pokémon by realistic physics rules, you have to accept that everyone has low-level psychic powers that act as shields against elemental attacks, enable rapid bonding with and control of wild animals, and enhance the body’s natural healing abilities and resilience to the point that they shrug off any injuries with only a few bandages and perhaps a sprayed-on Potion. Your only alternative is to do an AU that wipes out all of show-canon, because that’s what’s shown in the show.

I hate to be a killjoy, but that’s how it is.

Damned to a life of Cori Falls’s fanfic if we did, damned to a life of canonical failure if we didn't. Just another day in the life of Team Rocket.

Suddenly, Victreebel began to scream,
Tom: (Victreebel) CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIN - THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEAL -
and I got an idea.

"Victreebel, use your Vine Whip so that we can climb down!" I called to my pokemon.
Victreebel screamed again and extended one of his vines to me.
Jerry: (James) - seized me with it, and hauled me into his yawning mouth.
Grabbing onto it, I released my hold on the bell, and he lowered me to the ground. Then, he did the same for Meowth, and finally, Jessie. Once the three of us were down, Jessie and I took out our poke balls
Ariana: D: What did you do that for? They didn't ever do anything to you!
and called back Arbok and Victreebel.
Guardian’s Song: *makes funny face* Credit where credit is due - I am morally obliged to salute any sensible solution to a problem in fanfiction. It’s so rare that it needs to be held up as a fine example to other authors.

Miss Falls, you had the potential in you for good - why did you have to turn to evil?

There was a collective gasp as the bride, the groom, their entourage, and all of their guests looked over at us.
Tom: *narrating* “That uniform does not go with your complexion!” one shrieked, pointing her finger at James as she covered her face with her other hand. “It’s horrible!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” James cried. “Did I not use the right shade of make-up for my disguise beforehand? Or was it that I should have left the cucumber facial on for longer last night? I won’t do it again, I promise!”
You'd think they'd never seen two bruised and battered teenagers, a talking cat, a giant purple cobra, and a carnivorous shrieking plant before! Sheesh!
Guardian’s Song: Credit where credit is due - that was funny.

"Uh...we'll...just be...on our way now," Jessie said lamely, grabbing me and Meowth and darting away.
Guardian’s Song: Actual good comedic timing? I wonder if that was in canon…

@->->-

"Now dat was some good thinkin', James!" Meowth remarked as we headed up the street towards the local pokemon center.
Guardian's Song: -_-;; THANK YOU, Cori Falls, we REALLY needed to be beaten over the head with that, just when we might have thought you had some subtlety. That's VERY nice of you. -_-;;

(Arbok and Victreebel had taken a real beating from those Nidorans we'd been trying to steal earlier that day,
Jerry: And… at this point, shouldn't she have grasped that they weren't helpless woobies who were abused by the universe through no fault of their own?
and they needed to be patched up. Besides, Jess and I had taken a quite a few lumps, ourselves! Returning to our room at the inn for a shower and a change of clothes
Tom: (James) - and replenishing our supply of Herbs and Holy Water, and upgrading my equipment from a Dagger to a Short Sword -
was definitely in order.)

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm glad Victreebel is finally starting to behave himself!"

"Hmmmph!" Jessie grumbled.

"What?" I said.

She shot me a venomous glare and turned away.

Then, I remembered our fateful pokemon battle earlier that day.
Guardian's Song: (Cori-verse Cheat Guide) First, you must bring a Fateful Encounter Meowth to the battle with Ash Ketchum, whereupon he will scream "AUGH!!!" upon defeat (if he only has one exclamation point, you did it wrong), and then you must defeat his Pikachu with a Wangst Attack (it has infinite PP, so don't worry about spamming it)…
When the two trainers came to take back their Nidorans, Jessie sent out Arbok, and I sent out Victreebel. Now, Victreebel had started following my commands in recent weeks,
Jerry: (Victreebel) I have to lure him into complacency…
but he's still got that nasty habit of chomping the first person he sees when he gets out of the poke ball.
Ariana: Of course he does! He's been poked all that time, and he's probably really hungry - no wonder he's in a bad mood! D:
(Butch and Cassidy's doing, no doubt. Weepinbell was always really sweet.
Guardian's Song: - and scared and harmless -
I'm sure they did something terrible to him when they forced him to evolve.)
Guardian's Song: Credit where credit is due - that makes perfect sense given what we saw in canon, and adds depth to a seemingly random gag in canon.

*tilts head sideways and squints at the fic* …Who are you, and what have you done with Cori Falls?
Well, by now I've learned to get out of the way when he emerges, so he isn't chomping me so much anymore.
Guardian's Song: Miss Falls, Miss Falls, that is completely in violation of canon! A character actually learning from his mistakes and making changes in his behavior to avoid future ill consequences? That is so OOC it is not funny!

|:P I, too, am not that keen on canon in the long run, but for entirely different reasons than Miss Falls's.
Today, however, Jessie just so happened to be his unfortunate victim. Before I could even issue my first command, he had swallowed her entire top half! No wonder she was so upset that I was praising him!

Not that it mattered. For some strange reason, Jessie had been angry with me ever since last night....
Tom: (Jessie) You bet I am! You don't even look that good in my underwear!
(James) Jessie, that's harsh! I think I look just fabulous in the right pair!
Jerry: *BRAIN BLEACH*

@->->-

Yesterday started out nicely enough -- our trek across Mandarin Island had brought us into the rolling hills several miles inland. The tropical jungles and oppressive heat gradually gave way to pine trees and evergreens, and the climate became considerably cooler. There was something about that lush, tranquil forest -- it's almost as if the place were enchanted!

To add to that feeling of enchantment, we soon came across a small town that looked like something straight out of a fairy-tale! All of the buildings were made of wood and brick, and they were done up like those gingerbread houses you see displayed in the windows of a bakery. The streets were lined with shady trees, and there were rose bushes as far as the eye could see! It was a far cry from the sprawling metropolis along the coast of the island, and it was absolutely beautiful!

It was my kind of place.
Guardian's Song: *sigh* Miss Falls… Why don't you just write some nice, original epic fantasy work about two golden-hearted thieves and their talking cat, and leave the Pokémon world alone? You'd obviously be so much happier there, and you wouldn't have to overwrite canon at every opportunity.

It also seemed like it would be the perfect place for a vacation. We hadn't heard from the boss in ages, so how was he to know if we took a few days off? (Besides, our last attempt at a vacation was ruined when Team Twerp showed up!
Jerry: Perhaps you should actually take a vacation from thievery when you take a vacation? Honestly, be sensible thieves.
We deserved a break!)

"Oh, wow! Would you look at this place?!" Jessie cried, as if she could read my mind. "It's so beautiful!"

"Almost as beautiful as you, Jess," I replied, wrapping my arms around her waist.

Jessie turned around and smiled at me, her sapphire eyes beginning to sparkle. I love it when her eyes do that. I love everything about her.
Guardian's Song: *actually buries face in hands*
C!Syaoran: …Disco-ball eyeballs?

"Hey, James, what do you say we forget about work for awhile? A WHILE!" she whispered into my ear.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I whispered back.

Running her fingers through my hair, she leaned over and pressed her lips to
Jerry: *narrating* "-WAAAAAAA-BUFFET!"
(Yes, I'm aware they didn't have Wobbuffet at this time. I don't particularly care. :P)
mine.

"Ahem!" Meowth said, breaking us apart. "Can youse guys save dis for later? I'm starvin' over
here!"

"Fine," Jessie grumbled, obviously irritated that our moment had been ruined muttered, her gaze drifting over to the cat and fixing on him with murderous intensity.

"Let's go and get a room at the inn. Then we can all go out to dinner," I suggested, stepping between the two of them before an argument could ensue.

Jessie smiled again and nodded at me. "And we can throw that little fuzzball out when it's time for bed," she muttered seductively.
Jerry: That's "seductive"?

I grinned. This was definitely going to be a good vacation.

@->->-

After checking into the local trainer inn
Guardian's Song: (Inn) That's right, I'm a Trainer… and an inn. Got a problem with that?
(which also looked like a giant gingerbread house...this place was starting to make me hungry!), we went to get something to eat. The three of us were tired of dining al fresco, so we skipped the sidewalk cafes and went to a little Italian bistro on the edge of town, where we enjoyed a candlelight dinner.

Meowth stuffed himself with a human-sized order of shrimp scampi, and Jessie and I shared a plate of spaghetti, Lady and the Tramp style. The two of us twirled the pasta around on our forks and slurped it up, and several times, we even found ourselves eating the same noodle. Whenever that happened, we each kept eating our own end until the noodle got shorter and shorter, and our lips ended up touching. (I didn't go so far as to roll her the last meatball with my nose, though -- that'd just be disgusting!)
Guardian's Song: …You know, if you were going to describe it in detail, you didn't have to explain in-fic that it was Lady and the Tramp-style - you could have just told us in Author's Notes. Heaven knows you certainly don't shirk from throwing everything else in there.

As Jessie and I ate, I found my thoughts drifting to my ex-fiance, Jessiebelle. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of how "improperly" we were eating and what she'd have to say about that!
Guardian's Song: That you're a very bad boy and that you need to be punished?

…I am so, so sorry. And the hideous thing is that it's canon. *brain bleach* …Remind me never to go within six hyperlinks of the Pokémon kink meme, for the sake of my sanity.

*pauses for a split second, then begins laughing madly* I can't believe it! I can't believe it! D'you realize? If you genderflip James/Jessiebelle, it's Fifty Shades of Grey!
Roy: *from another sporking dimension* Ladies and gentlemen, she has finally snapped.
Albus: *from yet another sporking dimension* Actually, I believe she did that during Draco Veritas.
Roy: All right, I forgot about that.
That was one of the things she always bugged me about -- the "proper" way to eat spaghetti. I didn't have to worry about that with Jessie -- she was eating just as "improperly" as I was...and she actually thought it was kind of cute!
Jerry: She claims to be a fan of his, and she turns him into the sort of person who's obsessed with, to use the usual phrase, the girls who were mean to him in high school?

I must be the luckiest guy in the world, I thought as I watched Jessie dab her ruby-red lips with her napkin and reach for her water. She's so beautiful, she's so perfect...and she's mine....

Jessie looked up at me and smiled shyly.
Jerry: *cringe*
{snip miscellaneous blather}

@->->-

"WELL, I'VE JUST DECIDED I'M MAKING IT MY BUSINESS!!!!!" we heard a familiar voice shout.

"Why?!" another familiar (and annoying) voice demanded.

Oh, God! Please don't be the twerps, please don't be the twerps, please don't be the twerps.... I silently prayed.
Jerry: Er… if you recognize the voices, doesn't that imply it IS them?

Jessie raised an eyebrow. "Hm? What's going on?" she asked.

"It's probably nothing, Jess. Let's just...."

No use. Jessie and Meowth had already crossed the street and were now peering through a row of hedges to see what all of the screaming was about. Reluctantly, I followed.

And my fears were confirmed -
Tom: (James) And DEAR POKÉGODS, I NEVER want to see anything like that on ANY kink meme ever again.
Misty and Ash were standing in somebody's yard, having another of their screaming matches while their new friend looked on.

Suddenly, Misty went from irate to starry-eyed. "Because love is the most important thing in the world," she sighed.

Wow! I actually agreed with her on something! Alert the media!
Guardian's Song: *gags*

Ash made his trademark clueless face at her. "Uh...even more important than catching pokemon?"

Boy, talk about a one-track mind! What a loser!
Guardian's Song: Miss Falls apparently suffers from a rare condition that prevents her from understanding comic relief. Let us have a moment of silence for her crippling literary disability.

*a moment later* More seriously, this almost redeems her for something in The Thrill of Defeat - if JAMES also thinks that love is more important than catching and training Pokémon, then she was NOT writing something massively sexist when she had Jessie warble on about how marrying James and having his children was more important than success as a Pokémon Trainer. So maybe I jumped to conclusions…

But it would have been nice for her to TELL US THIS AT THE TIME!

We listened in on their conversation for awhile A WHILE and learned that Misty was trying to get two rival pokemon trainers together because their Nidorans were in love. It was touching, really. Just like Romeo and Juliet!

Suddenly, Jessie's eyes began to sparkle again. "Did you hear that?! A male and female Nidoran pair!"

"A perfectly matched set!" I chimed in.

I closed my eyes and smiled. Two cute little Nidorans in love! In love -- just like me and Jessie! Oh, what a wonderful evening this was turning out to be! Romance was in the air!
Guardian's Song: …You know, if Cori Falls had been TRYING to write James as a creepy, obsessive twit, she could not have done a better job.

*facekeyboard*mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbtttttttttttttttttt

Or was it?

@->->-
Guardian's Song: Given the lack of Twoo Wub And Perfect Happiness in the below dialogue and Cori Falls's absolute desperation to "fix" it, I take it this was a canon scene. Keep that in mind, just so you can properly appreciate Miss Falls twisting herself into a pretzel to try to align this dialogue with her ~truest of true loves~ Rocketshipping.

"So, how're we gonna get dose Nidorans?" Meowth asked after the twerps had left.

What? How could that stupid cat be thinking of a pokemon-snatching scheme?! We were on vacation, for God's sake. If those little brats didn't ruin my romantic getaway with Jessie, then he would!
Jerry: …You're getting angry at him for thinking about how best to do your job?

Does the author even fathom what a short-sighted, thoughtless idiot she's making him out to be? And she claims to be his fan?

I know I made the opposite complaint earlier, but - couldn't she have mentioned this then, rather than springing it on us now?
Tom: Welcome t' th' world'a fanfiction an' bad plots…

Jessie smirked. "We'll just convince them that the only way they can be together is if they come with us! The pokemon will learn a valuable lesson...a painful lesson...." Her smirk became a mischievous grin.

Great. Now she's in on it, too, I said to myself.

Suddenly, however, Jessie's expression became sad. "....The heart always leads one to heartache!"

"Sounds like you've had some heartaches yourself," I said, vaguely remembering an ex-boyfriend or two. Not that they mattered anymore -- I was her boyfriend now, and I'd do anything to make her happy!
Guardian's Song: (Cori Falls) *hangs "Creeper Love Is Deeper Love" sign over the story, then steps back, hands on her hips, and gazes up at it proudly*

"I've had my share," she sighed. "Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of finding love, but all I ever got was heartache...."

Okay, stop right there! Heartache?! Me?! Is that what she thought?!
Tom: (James) Heartburn, yes - but heartache?!
I know one of her exes was a real sleaze, but why was she so disappointed in me?! I hadn't done anything wrong...had I?
Tom: *pulls out list of Pokémon episodes* So, y'want me t' read out all yer screw-ups from which episode, again?

Jessie clenched her fists, and tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't find anyone to love me...just because I'm mean, and nasty, and evil!" she cried.
Jerry: What? I… What? Is she trolling us?
Guardian's Song: *unpleasant grin* I told you she had to stumble through canon dialogue.

…That would be even funnier if I didn't know that trying to square canon with her fanon eventually did drive her to the breaking point, and the result was New Directions. D: Uh, sarajayechan, don't tell me that this was one of the last fics before the final breakdown? Because if it is, I'm already seeing the lines of strain in James's characterization…

Jessie, that's not true!!! my mind screamed as I watched her fall to the ground and begin sobbing. How can you say something like that after all we've been through?! After all we've shared?! How many times have I told you that I love you?! How many times have I proven that I mean it?! How can you say that nobody loves you when I love you with all my heart and soul?!
Guardian's Song: …*nervous giggling* I can't believe it - folks, this characterization is officially too crazy for Twilight.

WORSE THAN TWILIGHT: |
And how can such an angel possibly think that she's evil?!
Tom: Somethin' t' do with Rockets not bein' angels.

I wanted nothing more than to tell her all that I was thinking -- to remind her that she was with me now and that she would be safe from heartache and betrayal forever,
Guardian's Song: Okay, that's just as crazy as Twilight. :P Miss Falls, you're falling down on the job!
but for some odd reason, my mouth translated it as, "All in love's unfair!"
Tom: Th' odd reason bein' canon, I take it?

No it isn't! my mind screamed again.
Guardian's Song: (James's Mouth) Look, mind, have you ever seen a ship war?
Jessie, my love for you is so pure and so true...
Tom: *nearly falls off chair laughing* She's serious!
how could you possibly think I don't care?!
Guardian's Song: Growing-Up-Cullen!Edward, is that you?

God, why couldn't I have told her that?!
Jerry: *glances at Guardian's Song's note* Because the author is apparently attempting to hammer your alternate characterizations into canon, no matter what the cost?
What was holding me back?! Jessie and I had been lovers for several weeks now -- it's not like I had to hide my feelings from her anymore!
Tom: (James) Except about just how much I liked her clothes - and not just because she was in them.

I reached down and stroked Jessie's hair as she continued to cry,
Jerry: I take it that translates as "patted her gently on the head"?
Guardian's Song: Most likely.
but just as I was about to tell her what I really meant to say....
Jerry: Canon intervened?

"Now I understand why she's such a nut-job!" Meowth commented.
Jerry: Or Meowth.
Tom: Eh, he's th' closest t' in-character 'round here - same thing.

Suddenly, Jessie's head snapped up, and a fire sparked in her eyes as she glared at us. "HOW DARE YOU?!!!" she screamed, jumping to her feet and kicking the two of us away.
Guardian's Song: It takes effort to make screaming and jump-kicking someone sound dull.

Now, I consider myself to be pretty even-tempered. I don't get angry very easily, but at that moment, I was furious! How could Meowth say such a terrible thing to Jessie while she was so upset? And how dare he interrupt me when I was about to make her feel better?!
Guardian's Song: How… dare…

Ohhhhh boy…

(sarajayechan, you would know - is this the first appearance of Yandere!James, or did that occur in an earlier fic? I have absolutely no idea in which order these stories were written, save the obvious difference between pre-Break-From-Sanity stories and post-Break-From-Sanity.

That chill up my spine is also being set off by foreknowledge of New Directions, in which we learn "I don't get angry very easily" means "but mostly I'm sweet and scared and harmless".)
I swear, if I weren't in so much pain from just getting kicked, I would've throttled him!
Guardian's Song: YANDERE!JAMES: |||

"I've had enough of this! It's time to put our plan into action!" Jessie shouted.

I looked up at her and sighed. So much for our romantic vacation.

@->->-
Guardian's Song: I suspect the below section is still from canon. It's kind of sad that I can literally tell canon apart from fanon by the dramatic shift in characterizations… I view that as a sign of the author not living up to their full potential. Let's just ignore that the same happens when I try to borrow anything from a canon scene, shall we?

"Jessie, why are we doing this?" I asked once we had sent Meowth to coax the Nidorans away from their trainers.

"Because
Tom: - th' show demands it!
when an opportunity like this comes along, you have to take it!" came her reply.

"I thought we were going to take a few days off!" I protested.

"Well, there's been a change of plan!" she shot back.

I hung my head. It had been such a beautiful evening until those twerps showed up! Now my sweet, gentle lover had reverted to her old self, and our romantic retreat was ruined!
Jerry: Did she actually just say that the presence of Ketchum and his friends reverted Jessie to canon?!

"You'll tell those Nidorans that they're going on a little honeymoon," Jessie continued. "But you'll really be taking them to the boss!"

"Pretty dirty trick," I said sadly.

Jessie laughed evilly. "What good's a trick if it's not dirty?!"

Yeah, that definitely sounded like the old Jessie. I thought that this mean-spirited side of her had vanished on the day the two of us fell in love. Maybe I was wrong.
Jerry: And she actually admitted that Jessie's canon personality vanished the moment her "Rocketshipping" began?!
Guardian's Song: *sourly* Brill, you know how you say Brainwashed And Crazy/I Know You're In There Somewhere Fight is a kink of yours? Well, it seems this story just accidentally hit it…

Suddenly, Meowth emerged from the bushes, but the Nidorans weren't with him.

"Well, how did it go, Meowth?" Jessie asked.

"Dey ain't gonna do it, Jess," he replied. "Dey say dat even though dere in love, dey ain't gonna disobey dere trainers."

Now Jessie was enraged again. "I can't believe those pipsqueaks are passing up this chance to be stolen!"

"She certainly has a unique way of looking at things!" I remarked.

"We'll just have to move on to Plan Number Two!" she growled.

I was afraid to ask, but I did anyway. "Plan Number Two?"
Tom: (Jessie) Throw a load of Tauros-dung at the wall to persuade the readers we're really in love behind the scenes, despite all canon evidence to the contrary.

Jessie facefaulted. "Nidoran-napping!" she said, as if I should've known.

"That's what I was afraid of," I sighed.
Guardian's Song: (Fic Playbill) In Cori Falls's newest re-interpretation of canon, the part of James will be played by Eeyore.

@->->-

"Now, if we wanna get close enough ta nab dose Nidorans, youse guys are gonna need disguises," Meowth told us as we headed back to our room at the inn.

"You're right," said Jessie. "But what....?"

Meowth looked up at us and snickered. "Well, since we're stealin' a pair of pokemon lovers, let's keep with the theme! Howzabout a bride and groom?" he suggested.
Guardian's Song: (Jessie) You wretched heteronormative Pokémon! Why not a bride and bride?

A bride and groom?! Now that was a great idea! I've always fantasized about me and Jessie dressing like that.
Guardian's Song: *grin stretches ear-to-ear* Bwahahaha! She made a Freudian slip! She had "bride and groom" and "[James] and Jessie" in the correct order!

(No, I'm not actually a Queershipper, on the grounds that it hard-enforces gender roles, if I understand it correctly - 'A woman with stereotypically masculine traits and a man with stereotypically feminine traits? They MUST be a man trapped in a woman's body and a woman trapped in a man's body!!!!11!! (Eh, what's gender non-conformity?)' I think people with basic watching comprehension will agree that Jessie is the dominant, aggressive, etc. third of Team Rocket that sometimes dresses in male clothing for disguises, James is the goofy, submissive, etc. third of Team Rocket that sometimes dresses in female clothing for disguises, and Meowth is the sane one.

To spite Cori Falls going aaaaaall the way in one direction, I am deliberately emphasizing the other end of the spectrum.)
I'd wear a red rose on the lapel of my black tux, and she'd wear a diaphanous white gown and a white rose twined in her crimson hair.
Jerry: Er… WHAT? In what world would HE not be wearing a dress?
Then, I'd place a diamond ring on her finger, and the two of us would vow to love and honor each other forever....
Guardian's Song: (Inner Seven-Year-Old) *sulkily* No, they'd recite some version of the Team Rocket motto for their wedding vows. And it would be great. *sulks*

"A bride and groom?!" Jessie said in disbelief.

Meowth started snickering again as he watched her begin to squirm.

What was with her anyway? I know the two of us are still a little young for marriage, so it's not like we were actually going to go through with it!
Guardian's Song: …Wait. You're the truest of true loves, you KNOW you're the truest of true loves, and yet you're afraid of marriage?

CORI FALLS IS STEPHENIE MEYER'S BETA: |||
[Once for "as bad as Twilight", once for "Growing-Up-Cullen!Edward", and once for here.]

…Wait, doesn't Stephenie Meyer also do What Really Happens for Jacob and Edward for her own works?

CORI FALLS IS STEPHENIE MEYER'S BETA: ||||
To tell the truth, I was thrilled at the prospect of pretending to be her groom for a few hours -- it'd be like a rehearsal for when we really do get married!
Guardian's Song: Sorry, I'm just primed to take anything wrong, but this over-eagerness seems really creepy in context. Um… how to articulate why…

It's because he's maniacally eager for this and at the same time really seems to lack comprehension of the situation. That's almost not Cori Falls's fault, though it was her choice to write a What Really Happened of this episode - James, here, literally is someone dropped from a fairy-tale fantasyland into a harsh reality. Unfortunately, as a consequence -

Oh gad. He DOES sound like the Denko guy.
(James) Denko Jessie, why haven't you responded to my e-mails? I sent you 600 of them! Was that not enough? ('.ω.')

And just for that realization -
YANDERE!JAMES: ||||
So why was the idea of pretending to be my bride so repulsive to her? I always thought that when we fell in love, Jessie wanted to be my wife someday.
Guardian's Song: *curses the heavens and pulls up The Thrill of Defeat*
""Spending the rest of my life with somebody who loves me, marrying him, having
children with him....that's a better dream than catching lots of pokemon,
earning badges, and winning tournaments will ever be...." "
Yes, she already said that, dunce. Miss Falls, please keep track of your own can - Oh.

CORI FALLS IS STEPHENIE MEYER'S BETA: ||||
Now I wasn't so sure.

"Fine," she grumbled. "I guess it'll have to do since I can't think of anything else...."

I said nothing, just looked away and did my best to choke back the tears I felt coming.
Jerry: That's some very strange wording…
Guardian's Song: *preemptively kicks Roy out of sporking room*

*looks around and whistles innocently* You saw nothing.

@->->-

I looked over at the clock on the nightstand. It was one of those anniversary clocks -- the kind with the rotating pendulum that hypnotizes you if you stare at it long enough. I'd been lying in bed for the past two hours, staring at that clock
Guardian's Song: Dude, adjust the dosage of your medications. That can't be healthy.
and waiting for Jessie.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, averting my gaze from the clock and instead focusing on the wooden beams of the vaulted ceiling.
Tom: Lyin' back an' thinkin'a canon won't help y', y'know.
What was taking her so long, anyway? It seemed so hard to believe that COMMA! just this afternoon, Jess couldn't wait to kick Meowth out of our room and spend the entire night making love with me. So where was she?

Unable to bear another minute alone, I got out of bed and threw on my robe. I had to find out what had happened to her. I knew from the way Jessie was acting earlier that she had changed her mind about the lovemaking, *non-sequitur* but that didn't matter to me. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms...to be close to her.
Jerry: Ah… she doesn't seem to be in a very touchy-feely mood… You sure that's the best idea?

Stepping out of the bedroom, I saw Jessie sitting on the couch. She was holding a length of white satin and embroidering swirling patterns on it with ice-blue thread.

"What do you want, James?" she said, not even bothering to turn and look at me.
Guardian's Song: That's called 'being focused', you idiot.

"Come to bed, Jess," I said softly. "It's one in the morning. You can work on our disguises tomorrow."

"No, I can't," she growled.
Tom: (Jessie) And get in the kitchen and brew me a coffee!
"James, you know it takes time to make these things! Don't you want our plan to succeed?"
Guardian's Song: Also, I may just have forgotten a piece of canon here, but I never really thought of Jessie alone doing all the costume-making work…

Hmm, come to think of it, in canon, it always seemed like stuff they could have cobbled together from a nearby clothing store. But if not that, and if one member of the team had to do it by himself or herself… I'd say it would be James. *shrugs*

"What's all of this our stuff?!" I retorted. "Kidnapping those Nidorans was your idea, not mine! I just wanted to take a few days off and be alone with you!"

Jessie looked up at me. Her expression was as icy as the thread she was embroidering with.
Guardian's Song: And the award for Most Bizarrely Contrived Metaphor goes to…
"Well excuse me for taking our job seriously!" she snapped.
Jerry: *STANDING OVATION*
Tom: *lazy applause*

"Jess, you hate this job as much as I do! You hate the boss as much as I do!
Guardian's Song: Er… I thought Jessie and James CARED about Giovanni's opinion in canon?
So, why are you ruining our time together just to please him?!
Jerry: Does the phrase "sleeping with the Magikarp" mean anything to you?
Don't you know that he's never going to be satisfied, no matter what we do?!" I snapped back.
Tom: (Old Boss) You could start testing that hypothesis by DOING something aside from "getting blasted off again", you incompetent fools!

"Of course I do, James!" she cried, slamming down the bridal gown she'd been sewing.

"Then, why...."

Jessie closed her eyes and exhaled in a frustrated sigh. "Because maybe if we do something right, he'll leave us alone...stop tormenting us...."
Guardian's Song: I'd like you ALL to remember this when it turns out Giovanni is a big sweetheart that whole-heartedly supports Jessie and James's relationship, thinks the world of them, and generally acts like a pre-geriatric version of Dumbledore.

Eeeeehh… sarajayechan? Did her characterization of Giovanni undergo an abrupt the moment that Drama CD dealing with Jessie's mother came out? You know, the one in which Giovanni's mother clearly doesn't like him? Because we know she has a woobie fetish…

"That's not true, and you know it!" I told her. "People like him are never happy unless they're complaining about something.
All Of Guardian's Song's Sporkers, Across The Many Dimensions: *all turn and look at the fourth wall at once*
Guardian's Song: Gee, who are you all looking at? :B
Do you remember how furious he was that time we brought him Togepi? God, Jessie! A one-of-a-kind pokemon, and it STILL wasn't good enough for him!"

Jessie turned away from me again. She knew that I was right.

I placed a hand on her shoulder. "A long time ago, I learned that when you can't make somebody happy, no matter what you do, then you can't waste your time trying -- it's just not worth it."
Guardian's Song: I wonder if Mystic Vaporeon thought exactly the same thing.

I felt her begin to tremble. She was crying.
Jerry: (Jessie) *sobbing* Why? Why won't he leave me alone?

"Oh, Jess...." I said softly.

"It's more than that, James," she whispered.

"Then, what?" I asked. "Please tell me."

She shrugged her shoulder away from my touch. "You wouldn't understand."

"What makes you say that?!" I cried. "Jessie, when have I ever not understood when something is bothering you?!"
Jerry: (Jessie) Whenever you're AROUND me!

"Look, I just don't want to talk about it, okay?" she said. "Go back to bed, James. Leave me alone...."

Knowing better than to press the issue, I backed off.
Guardian's Song: …Credit where credit is due. Many people in real life don't know to back off when being told to leave someone alone.
"Okay, Jess," I replied. "Just know that if you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here for you."

Jessie said nothing, just picked up the wedding dress and continued her embroidery.

What's wrong with you, Jessie? I wondered as I returned to the bedroom. What could have happened to upset you so suddenly? I wish you'd tell me, so I could do something to help....

Finally, I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, and I cried myself to sleep
Tom: *points and laughs* TH' EMO IS OVERWHEEEEEELMIN' ME!
Anita Blake, The Humper Between The Worlds: *gibbers and squelches*
Guardian's Song: Um… Tom, it's not a good idea to invoke her even in jest.
as I listened to Jessie's muffled sobs coming from the other side of the door.

@->->-

When I awoke the next morning, I found Jessie sound asleep on the couch. A white bridal gown and a black tuxedo were draped across the back. Once again, she had done an outstanding job of making disguises for us. (She should be a fashion designer -- it suits her much better than the life we're leading now.)
Guardian's Song: *lisping* You know, Cori Fallth, it'th not mathculine women who have the reputation ath being great fathion dethignerth. *waves hand in a limp-wristed manner*

(Though if Jessie can legitimately make well-tailored clothing from scratch overnight - by hand - that is badass. I just wish… it had been in a different fic.)

I picked up the tuxedo and held it to me to see how it would look. It seemed like it was a size too small for me,
Tom: (James) *sobbing* With all the peer pressure from Lickitung and Victreebel, I just couldn't help eating!
and I knew it was going to be a tight fit, but I didn't mind because she was up all night making it. Can't blame her for getting the measurements a little wrong when she's tired.
Tom: ~*DRAMATIC FORESHADOWIN'*~
Besides, I was only going to be wearing it for a couple of hours, and the prospect of the two of us pretending to be a bride and groom was just so exciting that an ill-fitting tuxedo really didn't matter to me.
Guardian's Song: (James) Oh, I look so GOOD in a bridal gown!

Then, I gazed down at the dress and at Jessie, who yawned and shifted in her sleep. The dress looked like it'd be a little big on her, but that didn't matter to me, either -- Jessie looks beautiful no matter what she wears!
Guardian's Song: And now she's Lady Gaga?
Yes, she was definitely going to make a beautiful bride...today and on our real wedding day.

"Nice work, Jess," I whispered.

She deserved a reward for her efforts, so I decided to surprise her by making her favorite breakfast -- French toast.
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST: |
(I'm going cray-zeeeeee… Notheeng is haaaaappeneeeeeng…)
Besides, something had really been bothering her yesterday, and I needed to cheer her up. And who knows? If I could make her feel better, then maybe she'd be willing to talk to me about it!

Going to the kitchen, I opened the refrigerator and found everything I'd need to make breakfast. As I began to mix the eggs, milk, and sugar together,
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST INGREDIENTS: |
Meowth came in through the open window. (I guess he'd gone out all night so that Jessie and I could be alone...not that it mattered this time.)

"Mornin', James!"

"Hey, Meowth."

"Whatcha whippin' up?" he asked. "It looks good!"

"French toast," I replied.
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST: ||

Meowth grinned. "All right! One of my faves! I swear, ya make the best food Meowth ever tasted!" he exclaimed.

"Thanks."

The cat's expression quickly became serious again. "Anyways, I did a little research last night."

I raised an eyebrow. "Research? On what?"
Jerry: (Meowth) The male refractory period. I hoid you might need it for your next sex scene, if y'knowwhatta mean.

"Well, I learned dat all the trainers in dis town know each other, and dat Ralph and Emily take dere Nidorans for a walk in the park every mornin'," he explained. "So, dat's where we gotta make our move -- I even got the balloon camouflaged and set up so we can make a quick getaway once we nab dose Nidorans!"

"That's nice," I sighed as I sliced the bread and dipped it into the egg mixture.
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST INGREDIENTS: ||
I just couldn't get excited about this scheme...especially not when it was getting in the way of quality time with Jessie.
Guardian's Song: The obsessive behavior is a tad creepy…

"Somethin' wrong?"

"It's Jessie," I told him. "You saw the way she was acting last night -- one minute, the two of us are as happy as can be, and the next minute, she's crying her eyes out, saying that she's never known anything but heartache and that nobody will ever love her! How could she say that, Meowth?! What makes her think that I don't love her all of a sudden?! Did I do something wrong?"
Jerry: Yes, you tried to combine your fic side-universe with canon. There was an incompatibility issue. And by "incompatibility issue", I mean "characterizations refuse to boot".

"Ah, don't worry about it! Dat's just Jess bein' Jess," he replied. "Ya know how moody she is, James!"

I nodded. Jessie was known for her violent mood swings. But still, something was different about last night's episode.
Guardian's Song: (Cori Falls) *wakes up with a hangover and rubs forehead* Ugh… What HAPPENED in last night's episode, anyway? Marriage… Nidorans… Um, yeah, definitely What Really Happened material. Now, if only I could remember what was odd about it from a What Really Happened standpoint…
It was more than just a bad mood -- something was on her mind...something disturbing.
Tom: *narration* What was disturbing was that she HAD something in her mind!
Jerry: Hey!
Tom: …In these fics?
Jerry: Better.

"Hey, Meowth. Do me a favor, will you?" I said.

"Sure. Whaddaya need?"
Jerry: (James) Canon.

"I need you to go out and pick a dozen roses for me," I replied. "The nicest ones you can find."

The cat gave me a quizzical look. "Whatcha' need roses for?"
Jerry: *FACEPALMS so hard she has to grab the table to keep from falling out of her chair*
Tom: (James) I'm going to make myself a g-string comprised entirely of roses! No, really, Meowth, what do you THINK I need them for? Do you EVER watch my bishonen routine?
(Meowth) Nah, bois me ta tears.

"Because after that terrible remark you made about Jessie, you owe her...and me, big time!" I told him.

"What?! Ya mean dat nut-job crack?" he asked innocently. "Jeez! I always make fun of youse guys -- you should know by now I don't mean nothin' by it! Can't ya take a joke?!"
Guardian's Song: (James) NO! As a proud Tumblr Social Justice blogger, I must now tell you how that joke was horribly ableist and triggering, and how you are a monster who should be smashed in the face with a baseball bat, because threats of violence are NEVER triggering!

…
…
…*gapes in awe* Cori Falls… her behavior later on…

She was a proto-social-justice-blogger for Team Rocket! Good gad! It all makes SENSE now!

…*ducks into nuclear-flame-shelter and huddles in a corner*

I frowned. "You saw how upset she was! You should've kept your big mouth shut! She was mad at me last night because of what you said!" I snapped.
Guardian's Song: …Okay, you don't care only because it deeply hurt HER to be called a nut-job, you care because she was mad at YOU (and, implied, because you didn't get laid as a result).

…This may not correspond directly to anything, but the attitude is so quintessentially shallow in that particular way…

CORI FALLS IS STEPHENIE MEYER'S BETA: |||| |

Meowth hung his head. "I'm sorry, James," he said contritely. "Yer right -- it was real rotten of Meowth ta insult her when she was cryin' like dat."
Guardian's Song: THEY KNEW I WAS RIGHT: ||

"Damn right it was," I said sternly.
Guardian's Song: CURSING COUNT: |
Then in a gentler voice, "But I'll let it slide if you get those roses for me.
Guardian's Song: Given his behavior, that "But I'll let it slide" seems ominous… Wait, he did consider throttling Meowth earlier for that crack, right?
YANDERE!JAMES: ||||
I want to give them to Jessie when she wakes up...hopefully it'll make her feel better. And besides, my bride is going to need a bouquet!"

The cat smiled. "Heh, heh! Oh, yeah! The fake weddin'!" Then, with a wink he added, "Youse guys are gonna love the surprise I got set up in the park!"

There was a playful gleam in his midnight-blue eyes.
Jerry: Even the MEOWTH gets purple prose?
Tom: No, 's resplendent blue-violet prose. Get it right.
Now I was curious.

{Snip, it's a secret to everyone}

@->->-

As I was putting the finishing touches on breakfast a few minutes later, I heard footsteps behind me.

"Good morning, Jess," I said.

"Morning, James," she echoed. Her voice sounded weary.
Tom: An' her face looks perfect, I take it? No dark circles or anythin'?
Jerry: *sighs* In these fics…

"I made your favorite -- French toast," I told her.
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST: |||

"I thought I smelled something good."

She sounded like she was in a better mood, but I didn't want to risk saying anything wrong and upsetting her again, so I chose my words carefully. "Well, you did such great work on those costumes...I figured you deserved a treat...."

Jessie smiled at me and poured herself a cup of coffee. "Thanks, James."

Wow! She was smiling again! Maybe now she'd be willing to talk to me about what was going on last night!

"Nothing but the best for my Jess!" I replied as I drizzled some maple syrup
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST INGREDIENTS: |||
onto her French toast
Guardian's Song: FRENCH TOAST: ||||
and set the plate on the table.

Jessie smiled again, but there was sorrow in her blue-violet eyes.
C!Syaoran: *while chewing over the eyeballs* I am not human. This body and this heart are constructs. Yes, as is this sorrow.
Limstella: *shows up* Yes, as is this plagiarism lawsuit.
C!Syaoran: …

"Do you want to talk about it, sweetheart?" I whispered, pulling her into an embrace.

She looked down at the floor and shook her head.

"Jess, do you remember a couple weeks ago when I was mad at you for no reason?"
Guardian's Song: ASIDE from being exhausted, under-slept, hot, sticky, and harried with packing… No, no reason!

I felt her muscles tense when I said this. "Yes."

"And do you remember when you hit me - hard - and told me to go to hell? I fell off the cliff, and you thought I was dead?"

"Y-yes." She sounded like she was ready to cry.

I turned her to face me and ran a hand through her hair. "But most importantly of all, do you remember that after you rescued me, we promised that we'd never keep secrets from each other again...that we'd talk to each other rather than blame each other when something is bothering us?"

Now she really was crying. "N-n-not ANOTHER contrived emo romance scene!"

{snip more angst}

I planted a kiss on her lips and smiled tenderly. "I love you, Jess."

Jessie smiled at me again, but there was still sadness in those beautiful blue eyes.

Why was she still so sad?
Jerry: We know she's sad! Please stop beating us over the head with it!

I couldn't stand seeing her like that, and as I sat down next to her and began to eat my breakfast, I knew that I had to find out what had happened to her...and to make her happy again. No matter what.
Guardian's Song: In context?

YANDERE!JAMES: |||| |

@->->-

Once we were done eating, Jessie went into the bathroom to get cleaned up and change into her costume. Ralph and Emily were supposed to be walking their Nidorans at the park in a little over an hour, and we had to be ready for them.

While I was washing the dishes, Meowth returned. He was carrying a bouquet of white roses, but there was a huge sweatdrop on his face.
Guardian's Song: I also think it's a bad idea to mix the everything-is-totally-serious-guys tone with anime special effects.

Your Monkeys May Vocalize, of course.

"What's the matter, Meowth?" I asked.

"I went back ta the park just ta check on everything one last time," he began.

"Did something go wrong?"

"In a manner of speaking -
Tom: (Meowth) We're still in da middle of dis fanfic.
the twerps are dere waitin' for Ralph and Emily, too. I guess dat little girl is still tryin' ta play matchmaker," came his reply. "If dey find out what's goin' on, dere gonna ruin everything!"
Guardian's Song: I'll also concede that I'm glad that Cori Falls retains the phonetic accent for Meowth, because, while I know phonetic accents really bother some people, I enjoy them.

Yes, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here/

"Well, that's why we have the disguises," I told him. "Those kids are so stupid -- they never recognize us when we're not in uniform!"
Guardian's Song: That's a flat-out lie. When Jessie and James have their faces uncovered and their hair color and style unchanged, Ash and the group can recognize them instantly. They just seem to be unable to pick them out when they're wearing wigs or have anything hiding any part of their face. Which brings me to my next comment…

"Yeah!" the cat laughed. "Talk about dense! All dis time, and dey STILL don't know ya when dey see ya!"
Guardian's Song: It would be really interesting if face-blindness was extremely common in the Pokémon world for whatever reason. Founder effect? Greater ability to get away with it due to the extreme variance in hairstyles, clothing styles, and facial markings? Who knows? But it would certainly explain Jessie and James's ability to hide themselves in any crowd with a paper-thin disguise.

Not that this fanfic touches upon that at all…

(And you want to talk about dense, clowns? Who are the people who have tried, and failed, to steal an eleven-year-old's Pikachu several dozen times by now?

Hey, SHE decided to mock the sacred-status-quo in Pokémon first. It's her fault she didn't realize it rebounded upon her woobies as well.)

I know it seemed funny, but it really wasn't. All they ever see when they look at us is our Team Rocket uniforms. They just can't seem to understand that we're people, too. It's kind of sad when you think about it.
Tom: We are?
Jerry: You'd think they'd be glad - if they can't recognize you without your uniforms, after all, they can't describe you to a Jenny. (Which… does explain how their faces aren't on Wanted posters throughout Kanto…)

"Oh, well," I sighed as I finished rinsing the last dish. "Guess I'd better get dressed."

Meowth handed me the roses and nodded. And as I headed for the bedroom, I could've sworn I heard him humming Here Comes the Bride.