Now Sporking: How James Got His Mojo Back, Part 1/?
Well, here goes. Sporking time!
A purple-haired teenage girl blinks in surprise and confusion. “But you’ve been gone for so long… Why now?”
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
A scruffy blond teenager shrugs and puts on his Rocket cap. “Eh, that’s a good enough excuse t’ me. Let’s get t’ this already.”
Let’s.
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
A White Today, and a White Tomorrow: How James Got His Mojo Back
How James Got His Mojo Back
by Cori Falls
Initial word count: 19,758. Well, let it not be said that Cori Falls skimped on quantity in her oneshots. I’ll give her credit for that, at least. She would ace NaNoWriMo. Give her one episode that really angered her, and she would have completed it within the week.
@->->-
Fortune is a strange thing...perhaps one of the most unpredictable forces known
to humanity. One minute you can be riding high, but it can all come crashing
down the next. And as far as anybody knows, there's no way to master or control
the awesome and enigmatic force known as fortune.
Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary about election season with an effort*
I guess that explains the old saying, It's better to be lucky than good. Because
no matter how skilled one is at something, it just doesn't seem to matter if
fortune never favors them. And at the same time, no matter how inept one may be,
they can always win if fortune smiles upon them.
Guardian’s Song: …*resists commentary about life in general with an effort*
Tom: Cori, think y’ misspelled somethin’. “The author” ain’t spelled “f-o-r-t-u-n-e”.
(Hmmm...sounds a lot like what
my friends and I go through with that twerp, Ash. I swear, no matter how
flawless our plans are, there always seems to be some strange twist of fate that
ensures that dumb kid's victory!)
Tom: An’ “the show’s script” ain’t spelled “f-a-t-e”, either.
Some people believe that while fortune can't be controlled, it can be predicted.
And some even believe that their entire lives can be mapped out and planned by
such predictions.
Jerry: But if everything’s controlled by fortune, what’s the point of planning? What’s the point of taking any action save waiting for ‘fortune’ to bring you everything you need or rob you of everything?
Tom: Shh. That’s Earth Logic.
If you'd asked me at the beginning of the week if I believe in
that kind of thing, I probably would've laughed. I wouldn't laugh now, though.
Don't get me wrong, I still think it's absurd for people to release all personal
resolve and let fortune control their lives.
Jerry: Exactly!
I still believe wholeheartedly that
hard work, skill, and determination will always prevail in the end.
Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary with an effort* Canon-wise, though - explain, then, how Ash is STILL trying to win a championship, over ten seasons in? And no, Orange Islands does not count, since it’s not in the games. He hasn’t won any GAME-canon championship in all that time, as far as I know.
But
something happened to me yesterday that made me start thinking that maybe...just
maybe...there might be something to be said for fortune, after all....
Tom: Yer still misspellin’ “the author”!
@->->-
Guardian’s Song: Below is obviously a canon scene. You can tell by the way Jessie and James actually snark on each other rather than gazing into each other’s eyes for 10,000 words.
It all began that morning, when Meowth found some kind of fortuneHYPHEN!telling book.
Jessie was really excited by his discovery, saying that she'd heard all about
the books and that she'd been meaning to shoplift one, but I didn't share her
enthusiasm. Astrology is fun, but I've never put much stock in it, myself. I
just don't understand how the stars or time of birth can control a person's life
-- I've always been a firm believer in people making their own destinies.
Jerry: Well, considering that twin studies would be pointless if astrology worked (since twins would have the same horoscope except in very rare cases), that not every person born on the same date has the same personality and fate, and that horoscopes are so vague as to be suitable for almost any combination of events and personality traits - yes, I’d say they’re bunk.
Guardian’s Song: Of course, in Cori Falls’s fics, people only make their own destinies when they’re successful. When they fail, it’s because they came from disadvantaged backgrounds and the mean ol’ protagonists discriminated against them (How DARE Ash resist their efforts to kidnap his best friend!) and all sorts of horrid other things. Help, help, they’re bein’ oppressed! Somebody call the Pokémon Civil Liberties Union! :P
…Seriously, be consistent about ‘I am a hapless maiden carried to and fro on the winds of chaos and fate’ or ‘I am a righteous, self-willed individualist who makes my own destiny’. Yes, it may be more complicated than that, but frankly? People aren’t rational about self-determination, and consistent irrationality is more functional than inconsistent irrationality. The way people act when they try to be ~nuanced~ is either narcissistic - “When I win, it’s all me, me, me, but when I lose, OMG I WAS BEING OPPRESSED!!!1!!!” - or self-hating - “I only ever won because of chance and fate and magic that I can never get back again, but all my losses are solely my fault and mine alone, damn it; if you’ll excuse me, I need to go flagellate myself in my monastic cell for a while, then flagellate myself some more because my flagellation technique was off, because I can’t even do that right *mumble, mumble, mumble, flagellate*” - which are both not even internally consistent. Hence? Best just to make up your mind and stick with it.
I was only further convinced that the fortuneHYPHEN!telling book was just a hoax when
it said that Jessie's sign was Eevee. Don't get me wrong, Eevee is a nice
pokemon, and Jess is a sweetie, but she's just never struck me as an Eevee-type
personality. A Flareon, maybe, but certainly not an Eevee.
Jerry: …We’re agreed there.
While she wasn't
listening, I'd jokingly told Meowth that "Eevil" would be a better description,
but in reality I think her original prediction, that she'd be an elegant
Ninetales, would have been much more accurate. It seemed to me that if there
were anything to this fortuneHYPHEN!telling, Jess would be some kind of fire-type. She
does have a fiery temper and a passionate personality, after all.
Jerry: That’s… um. Yes, that’s an understat- er, good description…
(Not to
mention the elegant beauty of a Ninetales!)
Tom: *starts uproariously laughing*
Jerry: *gives him an annoyed look* *turns back to fic* I… wouldn’t quite put it that way…
But then, something strange happened....
When Jessie finished reading her horoscope, she'd offered to read mine as well.
I wasn't really interested in anything that book had to say, but since she was
having so much fun, I decided to humor her. And as it turned out, the book said
that my sign was Moltres! Jessie began to blush and looked at me in awe,
obviously impressed with my sign (and I must admit, Moltres is a pretty damned
impressive sign),
Elbe: Sixteen redundant words…
but I still didn't think there was anything to it. Meowth even
laughed and said that there wasn't anything Moltres-ey about me.
Guardian’s Song: Well, Harp would at least agree he’s flaming.
As Jessie proceeded to read my horoscope, however, I found my curiosity piqued.
According to the book, no matter what difficulties befall them, the Moltres-type
will always prevail and soar high above all others, just like the legendary
fire-bird itself!
Tom: An’ you’ll always be th’ weakest’a yer trio, have a redundant typing with one’a th’ starters, an’ promptly have another, much better Pokémon with yer general appearance show up in th’ next gen?
So, which one’a Jessie an’ Meowth’s Zapdos? Let’s read about ‘em instead.
Jerry: Hey!
My daily horoscope also said that I'd have good luck with
money and find something that I thought was lost.
Guardian’s Song: (Harp) [James] My last vague shred of something that resembled heterosexuality, back when I was twelve and thought ‘getting into a girl’s panties’ meant ‘getting her to let me put them on’?
I did my best to laugh it off, still thinking it was a ridiculous notion that a
pokemon sign could hold so much sway over my destiny. But then I proceeded to
find an extremely rare and valuable 1867 silver dollar just lying on the
ground...and then I found a bottle cap that I thought had disappeared from my
collection stuck inside of my boot! Well, that was certainly good luck with
money and finding something that I thought was lost, but I still didn't want to
believe that one little book could predict my life. Finding the coin and the
bottle cap were mere coincidences! Coincidences and nothing more!
Are they really coincidences? I asked myself. Or is there something to this
fortuneHYPHEN!telling, after all?
Thinking that the heat was probably getting to me and that all I needed was a
cool drink to clear my mind, I headed for the water fountain. As I did this,
Jessie looked at the book again and warned me that my horoscope predicted danger
near water today.
That was all it took to reassure me that the book was wrong -- the city we were
in was several miles inland, and there weren't any lakes or rivers nearby
either! How could I be in danger around water if there wasn't a body of water to
begin with?
Guardian’s Song: At first glance, this seems to be excellent reasoning.
Then you realize that there’s a ton of Trainers with Water Pokémon running about, and this suddenly becomes a lot less certain.
"That's ridiculous!" I told her as I pushed the button on the water fountain and
leaned down to get a drink. "We're nowhere near the water...."
*SPLOOSH!*
Quickly, I released the button and jumped away from the water fountain. The
water pressure was up too high, and I'd gotten completely soaked!
That was when the realization struck me.
Tom: (James) *shrieks* You can see my lacy pink bra through my wet t-shirt! Oh, my stars and garters! (And they’re very nice garters, I’ll have you know.)
Jerry: He isn’t THAT bad.
Danger had just befallen me near water! All three of the book's predictions for
my day had come true! I could deny it no longer -- I was a Moltres!
Now everything seemed so clear to me! I've faced so many adversities during my
life...so many humiliations and defeats! And yet, through it all, I've always
managed to land on my feet and gain some kind of personal victory. The abuse I'd
suffered at the hands of my parents and Jessiebelle and the death of my
grand-papa had been almost more than I could bear...but at the same time, it had
been those hardships that had driven me away from home and led me to find
Jessie!
Tom: (Meowth) So I’m Arcanine-fodder, eh?
Guardian’s Song: You know, that line could almost work, if it were less melodramatic and focused on more things that he enjoyed about his life than just Jessie.
But in that case, Cori Falls wouldn’t be Cori Falls. *wistful sigh* You know, enough sporking of her makes one almost fond of her. Now there was a Suethor that remained true to her principles, devoted to her ship, and hellbent on pursuing her fandom fantasies to the bitter end.
Yes, she went well into psychotic territory with her later fics and verged on the mentally unstable, but at least you couldn’t accuse her of cynically building her Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues up with empty, flowery phrases she didn’t believe. Oh, she believed every word she wrote, all right… and in this decayed day and age, that, at least, is to be admired.
Now, if only she hadn’t believed an eleven-year-old boy should be brutally beaten and publicly humiliated at every turn for anything less than perfect charity to her woobies…
Joining Team Rocket had been a difficult and painful choice for me to
make as well...
Guardian’s Song: Somehow, I suspect it wasn’t quite that way in canon.
Or, at least, I suspect it was more along the lines of “This is the only kind of employment I can get, and I need to eat” drama than “OMG NÄZGULS INCARNATE” drama as it was in Cori’s interpretation. Not that one needs to stay aligned with canon full-time, but I’m just bemused as to HOW she got the latter plotline when the former would have been just as easy to write and wave about for sympathy points.
but being able to stay with Jessie and becoming friends with
Meowth had made it all worthwhile! And every electrocution and blast-off
suffered at the hands of the twerps always seems to bring me and my friends
closer together, too!
Tom: Now yer just makin’ ‘em sound like they’ve got a fetish.
(I remember, last summer I had a dream where I saw my
grand-papa, and he even told me that no matter how difficult things may be for
me and my friends now, it would all have its reward someday soon. He'd told me
that a white tomorrow was waiting for us!)
Guardian’s Song: Let us also be thankful that Cori was pre-Social-Justice-Wankers.
The poor lady would have been constantly having to yell “IT’S IN THE JAPANESE LYRICS, STOP CALLING ME A RACIST! HOLY SHIT, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT MEANS!”
…Cori versus Social Justice Wankers. Huh. I… think we’ve found the one circumstance under which we’d all be rooting for Cori. O_o
So there's a reason for all the pain I suffer -- none of it is in vain because
it always leads me to a greater reward!
Tom: Y’know, I think he IS a masochist. *leery look* Fer someone who rants about stuff that ain’t appropriate fer a kid’s show, Falls’s sure fond’a writin’ about a cross-dressin’, thievin’ sadomasochist… Not that there’s anythin’ wrong with that. P’rticularly th’ thievin’ part.
Jerry: *flat expression* Are we sure she’s a fan of these characters? Are we sure?
I said to myself as I climbed to the top
of a lamp post and surveyed the world below...a world brimming with
opportunities and endless possibilities. Just like the mighty Moltres, I have
the power to prevail no matter what difficulties befall me and soar to new
heights! This is my destiny! I cannot be denied!
Tom: Excuse me, cross-dressin’, thievin’, bipolar sadomasochist. …Isn’t there some kinda series with vampires that’s about that?
Guardian’s Song: Minus the cross-dressing part.
And that was when something else strange happened -- I went mad with power.
Tom: Y’ noticed that a paragraph too late.
Now that I knew I could never truly be defeated, I decided it was time to take a
chance -- I had to do something great to show the world that James the Moltres
was here...and that he meant business!
Tom: (James) I’m going to go rob a museum of an exact replica of Queen Elizabeth’s dress and prance around in it! Watch out, England - for the second time, King Elizabeth will be succeeded by Queen James! *maniacal laughter*
Jerry: Do you have any better snark than ‘OMG CROSSDRESSER’?
Tom: Y’ mean like mockin’ th’ difference between a dork like canon!James an’ this hoity-toity idiot? Sure, but this’s funnier.
Jerry: *sigh*
And what better way to do that than capturing lots of pokemon?
Jerry: Actually training powerful Pokémon? Devising a trap that doesn’t involve a motto recitation beforehand? Getting a job that doesn’t involve your being electrocuted weekly?
Tom: Y’ really need t’ learn t’ stop usin’ that “Earth Logic” around here.
When I got down from the lamp post, I informed Jessie and Meowth that I was the
new supreme ruler of Team Rocket and that they had to obey and revere me. Under
the command of James the Moltres, we were going to capture all of the pokemon in
the city...maybe even the world!
Guardian’s Song: Look, I know this was in the episode for laughs, but given the way Cori!James otherwise swings between the heights of elation and the depths of despair with every emotional event in his life, no matter how trivial, this really makes it sound like he’s clinically bipolar. I’m resisting a strange urge to feel concerned for a fictional character’s mental health.
"I saw a dayHYPHEN!care center not too far from here," I told them. "We shall go there
with haste, and I shall lead you in pillaging and plundering its pokemon! Your
Moltres master will lead you to victory!" With that, I started heading up the
street.
Jessie and Meowth didn't look too thrilled that I'd usurped control of the team
and that I was ordering them around, but they followed me without protest. Who
could resist the power and charisma of the mighty Moltres, after all? And even
though I could tell that Jessie was kind of annoyed with me, I wasn't worried. I
knew that I'd be making it worth her while later.
The fair damsel will be singing a different song when James the Moltres lights
her fire tonight! I said to myself as I formed a mental image of the passion and
romance I had in store for her.
I could hardly wait!
Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||
@->->-
Guardian’s Song: And kudos on the ingenious divider. It actually does look like a rose.
Yes, I’m feeling emotionally zoned out at the time of this sporking being written. It makes me charitable towards those I dislike.
Our quest soon brought us to the local day care center. It did, indeed, look
like the perfect place to strike...to demonstrate my amazing Moltres powers!
Meowth suggested that we sneak in the back way, but I'd have no part of that!
"Out of the question!" I scoffed. "Sneaking and skulking is no way for James the
Moltres to engage in battle! Rather, we shall hold our heads high as we march
through the portcullis and face our enemies head-on! Make way!"
Guardian’s Song: …Portcullis? At a DAYCARE?
GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||
However, to say that I was disappointed by what I found when I walked through
the door would be an understatement -- our "enemies" were nothing more than an
old man and woman! I'd been hoping for a more formidable foe, but Moltres that I
am, I didn't let it get me down for long.
Perhaps starting small is the best way to begin my campaign, I reasoned. There's
no need to use force against these people -- a simple threat will be all it
takes to make them surrender! And perhaps when they surrender, others will see
my might and surrender as well! And as more surrender, the more power I'll gain!
Greater challenges do, indeed, lie ahead, but this shall do for a start!
Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||
As the old couple looked up from their work, I stood tall and smirked. "The
Moltres is here!" I informed them.
Tom: Next part unsporked fer th’ awesomeness.
Guardian’s Song: That’s not a reason.
Jerry: And it isn’t that ‘awesome’…
Tom: *annoyed* Will y’ be quiet an’ watch th’ fun?
The two of them gave me a confused look. They obviously didn't know who I was
and that this was the part where they were supposed to surrender and submit to
my will.
When I repeated that James the Moltres had arrived and commanded them to hand
over all of their pokemon, however, they refused. And they even looked as if
they were amused by my presence!
Well, that did it. Nobody laughs at James the Moltres! It was time to show these
simpletons that I was nobody to be trifled with!
But as I charged towards them, the old woman grabbed me by the collar of my
jacket and started shaking me about. I had greatly underestimated the enemy.
Behind me, I could hear Jessie shouting, "HEY!!! LET GO OF HIM!!!" Then, I was
thrown across the room and slammed into the wall.
When I opened my eyes again, I could see the old man grabbing Jessie and
throwing her across the room too, and I felt myself becoming every bit as
enraged as she'd been! Nobody hurts James the Moltres's woman and gets away with
it! Vengeance would be mine!
"How dare you treat James the Moltres in such a manner?!" I shouted. "Where did
you get the audacity, and where did you get the muscles?!"
The old couple laughed at us. "You obviously don't remember who we are, so let
us refresh your memory....Prepare for trouble, and make it double!"
Uh, oh. I could see where this was leading.
Tom: *stands up and cheers* Show ‘em who’s boss! Kick their posteriors t’ th’ curb!
Jerry: Just be glad she doesn’t like them, or she’d ruin their personalities, too.
Tom: *smugly* Well, she doesn’t, so it ain’t a problem.
"To infect the world with devastation!" the old woman cried.
"To blight all peoples in every nation!" the old man said in a hideous,
toad-like voice.
Tom: It ain’t hideous!
Jerry: Yes, it is. And it clearly “crossdresses” on the weekends. Ever wanted to hear Butch sing soprano?
Tom: …Y’ hold a grudge, don’tcha?
"To denounce the goodness of truth and love!"
"To extend our wrath to the stars above!"
"Cassidy!" With that, the old woman tore off her disguise and revealed her true
identity.
"Butch!" the old man croaked, doing the same.
"We're Team Rocket, circling the earth all day and night!"
"Surrender to us now, or you will surely lose the fight!"
"That's right!"
"Raticate!!!"
When the two of them finished that stupid mockery of our motto,
Tom: Y’ mean, th’ actual intimidatin’ version?
Jerry: You mean, the plagiarized version?
Tom: *irritated look*
they began to laugh at us once more.
"Grrrr! Cassidy!" Jessie growled.
"And Botch, too!" I chimed in.
"The name is BUTCH!" he shouted. "Can't you get anything right?!"
Jessie, Meowth, and I cringed at the god-awful sound of his voice.
Tom: It ain’t that awful!
What the hell are these bastards doing here?! I wondered as they continued to
gloat. I thought they were still in jail on Mandarin Island! I guess the boss
bailed their sorry asses out...again....
Tom: Th’ same’s true’a you. Who’s “sorry posterior” gets blasted a couple’a miles away on a weekly basis? Makes jail seem like a preschool, eh?
Knowing that my Moltres honor was at stake and that we had no choice but to
battle them, Jessie and I sprang to our feet and got out our poke balls.
Ariana: *poke, poke, poke, poke*
Albus: *irritated* Ariana, do you mind?
Before
we could release Arbok and Weezing, however, Cassidy's Raticate lunged at us,
and Butch released a Primeape.
A purple-haired teenage girl blinks in surprise and confusion. “But you’ve been gone for so long… Why now?”
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
A scruffy blond teenager shrugs and puts on his Rocket cap. “Eh, that’s a good enough excuse t’ me. Let’s get t’ this already.”
Let’s.
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
A White Today, and a White Tomorrow: How James Got His Mojo Back
How James Got His Mojo Back
by Cori Falls
Initial word count: 19,758. Well, let it not be said that Cori Falls skimped on quantity in her oneshots. I’ll give her credit for that, at least. She would ace NaNoWriMo. Give her one episode that really angered her, and she would have completed it within the week.
@->->-
Fortune is a strange thing...perhaps one of the most unpredictable forces known
to humanity. One minute you can be riding high, but it can all come crashing
down the next. And as far as anybody knows, there's no way to master or control
the awesome and enigmatic force known as fortune.
Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary about election season with an effort*
I guess that explains the old saying, It's better to be lucky than good. Because
no matter how skilled one is at something, it just doesn't seem to matter if
fortune never favors them. And at the same time, no matter how inept one may be,
they can always win if fortune smiles upon them.
Guardian’s Song: …*resists commentary about life in general with an effort*
Tom: Cori, think y’ misspelled somethin’. “The author” ain’t spelled “f-o-r-t-u-n-e”.
(Hmmm...sounds a lot like what
my friends and I go through with that twerp, Ash. I swear, no matter how
flawless our plans are, there always seems to be some strange twist of fate that
ensures that dumb kid's victory!)
Tom: An’ “the show’s script” ain’t spelled “f-a-t-e”, either.
Some people believe that while fortune can't be controlled, it can be predicted.
And some even believe that their entire lives can be mapped out and planned by
such predictions.
Jerry: But if everything’s controlled by fortune, what’s the point of planning? What’s the point of taking any action save waiting for ‘fortune’ to bring you everything you need or rob you of everything?
Tom: Shh. That’s Earth Logic.
If you'd asked me at the beginning of the week if I believe in
that kind of thing, I probably would've laughed. I wouldn't laugh now, though.
Don't get me wrong, I still think it's absurd for people to release all personal
resolve and let fortune control their lives.
Jerry: Exactly!
I still believe wholeheartedly that
hard work, skill, and determination will always prevail in the end.
Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary with an effort* Canon-wise, though - explain, then, how Ash is STILL trying to win a championship, over ten seasons in? And no, Orange Islands does not count, since it’s not in the games. He hasn’t won any GAME-canon championship in all that time, as far as I know.
But
something happened to me yesterday that made me start thinking that maybe...just
maybe...there might be something to be said for fortune, after all....
Tom: Yer still misspellin’ “the author”!
@->->-
Guardian’s Song: Below is obviously a canon scene. You can tell by the way Jessie and James actually snark on each other rather than gazing into each other’s eyes for 10,000 words.
It all began that morning, when Meowth found some kind of fortuneHYPHEN!telling book.
Jessie was really excited by his discovery, saying that she'd heard all about
the books and that she'd been meaning to shoplift one, but I didn't share her
enthusiasm. Astrology is fun, but I've never put much stock in it, myself. I
just don't understand how the stars or time of birth can control a person's life
-- I've always been a firm believer in people making their own destinies.
Jerry: Well, considering that twin studies would be pointless if astrology worked (since twins would have the same horoscope except in very rare cases), that not every person born on the same date has the same personality and fate, and that horoscopes are so vague as to be suitable for almost any combination of events and personality traits - yes, I’d say they’re bunk.
Guardian’s Song: Of course, in Cori Falls’s fics, people only make their own destinies when they’re successful. When they fail, it’s because they came from disadvantaged backgrounds and the mean ol’ protagonists discriminated against them (How DARE Ash resist their efforts to kidnap his best friend!) and all sorts of horrid other things. Help, help, they’re bein’ oppressed! Somebody call the Pokémon Civil Liberties Union! :P
…Seriously, be consistent about ‘I am a hapless maiden carried to and fro on the winds of chaos and fate’ or ‘I am a righteous, self-willed individualist who makes my own destiny’. Yes, it may be more complicated than that, but frankly? People aren’t rational about self-determination, and consistent irrationality is more functional than inconsistent irrationality. The way people act when they try to be ~nuanced~ is either narcissistic - “When I win, it’s all me, me, me, but when I lose, OMG I WAS BEING OPPRESSED!!!1!!!” - or self-hating - “I only ever won because of chance and fate and magic that I can never get back again, but all my losses are solely my fault and mine alone, damn it; if you’ll excuse me, I need to go flagellate myself in my monastic cell for a while, then flagellate myself some more because my flagellation technique was off, because I can’t even do that right *mumble, mumble, mumble, flagellate*” - which are both not even internally consistent. Hence? Best just to make up your mind and stick with it.
I was only further convinced that the fortuneHYPHEN!telling book was just a hoax when
it said that Jessie's sign was Eevee. Don't get me wrong, Eevee is a nice
pokemon, and Jess is a sweetie, but she's just never struck me as an Eevee-type
personality. A Flareon, maybe, but certainly not an Eevee.
Jerry: …We’re agreed there.
While she wasn't
listening, I'd jokingly told Meowth that "Eevil" would be a better description,
but in reality I think her original prediction, that she'd be an elegant
Ninetales, would have been much more accurate. It seemed to me that if there
were anything to this fortuneHYPHEN!telling, Jess would be some kind of fire-type. She
does have a fiery temper and a passionate personality, after all.
Jerry: That’s… um. Yes, that’s an understat- er, good description…
(Not to
mention the elegant beauty of a Ninetales!)
Tom: *starts uproariously laughing*
Jerry: *gives him an annoyed look* *turns back to fic* I… wouldn’t quite put it that way…
But then, something strange happened....
When Jessie finished reading her horoscope, she'd offered to read mine as well.
I wasn't really interested in anything that book had to say, but since she was
having so much fun, I decided to humor her. And as it turned out, the book said
that my sign was Moltres! Jessie began to blush and looked at me in awe,
obviously impressed with my sign (and I must admit, Moltres is a pretty damned
impressive sign),
Elbe: Sixteen redundant words…
but I still didn't think there was anything to it. Meowth even
laughed and said that there wasn't anything Moltres-ey about me.
Guardian’s Song: Well, Harp would at least agree he’s flaming.
As Jessie proceeded to read my horoscope, however, I found my curiosity piqued.
According to the book, no matter what difficulties befall them, the Moltres-type
will always prevail and soar high above all others, just like the legendary
fire-bird itself!
Tom: An’ you’ll always be th’ weakest’a yer trio, have a redundant typing with one’a th’ starters, an’ promptly have another, much better Pokémon with yer general appearance show up in th’ next gen?
So, which one’a Jessie an’ Meowth’s Zapdos? Let’s read about ‘em instead.
Jerry: Hey!
My daily horoscope also said that I'd have good luck with
money and find something that I thought was lost.
Guardian’s Song: (Harp) [James] My last vague shred of something that resembled heterosexuality, back when I was twelve and thought ‘getting into a girl’s panties’ meant ‘getting her to let me put them on’?
I did my best to laugh it off, still thinking it was a ridiculous notion that a
pokemon sign could hold so much sway over my destiny. But then I proceeded to
find an extremely rare and valuable 1867 silver dollar just lying on the
ground...and then I found a bottle cap that I thought had disappeared from my
collection stuck inside of my boot! Well, that was certainly good luck with
money and finding something that I thought was lost, but I still didn't want to
believe that one little book could predict my life. Finding the coin and the
bottle cap were mere coincidences! Coincidences and nothing more!
Are they really coincidences? I asked myself. Or is there something to this
fortuneHYPHEN!telling, after all?
Thinking that the heat was probably getting to me and that all I needed was a
cool drink to clear my mind, I headed for the water fountain. As I did this,
Jessie looked at the book again and warned me that my horoscope predicted danger
near water today.
That was all it took to reassure me that the book was wrong -- the city we were
in was several miles inland, and there weren't any lakes or rivers nearby
either! How could I be in danger around water if there wasn't a body of water to
begin with?
Guardian’s Song: At first glance, this seems to be excellent reasoning.
Then you realize that there’s a ton of Trainers with Water Pokémon running about, and this suddenly becomes a lot less certain.
"That's ridiculous!" I told her as I pushed the button on the water fountain and
leaned down to get a drink. "We're nowhere near the water...."
*SPLOOSH!*
Quickly, I released the button and jumped away from the water fountain. The
water pressure was up too high, and I'd gotten completely soaked!
That was when the realization struck me.
Tom: (James) *shrieks* You can see my lacy pink bra through my wet t-shirt! Oh, my stars and garters! (And they’re very nice garters, I’ll have you know.)
Jerry: He isn’t THAT bad.
Danger had just befallen me near water! All three of the book's predictions for
my day had come true! I could deny it no longer -- I was a Moltres!
Now everything seemed so clear to me! I've faced so many adversities during my
life...so many humiliations and defeats! And yet, through it all, I've always
managed to land on my feet and gain some kind of personal victory. The abuse I'd
suffered at the hands of my parents and Jessiebelle and the death of my
grand-papa had been almost more than I could bear...but at the same time, it had
been those hardships that had driven me away from home and led me to find
Jessie!
Tom: (Meowth) So I’m Arcanine-fodder, eh?
Guardian’s Song: You know, that line could almost work, if it were less melodramatic and focused on more things that he enjoyed about his life than just Jessie.
But in that case, Cori Falls wouldn’t be Cori Falls. *wistful sigh* You know, enough sporking of her makes one almost fond of her. Now there was a Suethor that remained true to her principles, devoted to her ship, and hellbent on pursuing her fandom fantasies to the bitter end.
Yes, she went well into psychotic territory with her later fics and verged on the mentally unstable, but at least you couldn’t accuse her of cynically building her Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues up with empty, flowery phrases she didn’t believe. Oh, she believed every word she wrote, all right… and in this decayed day and age, that, at least, is to be admired.
Now, if only she hadn’t believed an eleven-year-old boy should be brutally beaten and publicly humiliated at every turn for anything less than perfect charity to her woobies…
Joining Team Rocket had been a difficult and painful choice for me to
make as well...
Guardian’s Song: Somehow, I suspect it wasn’t quite that way in canon.
Or, at least, I suspect it was more along the lines of “This is the only kind of employment I can get, and I need to eat” drama than “OMG NÄZGULS INCARNATE” drama as it was in Cori’s interpretation. Not that one needs to stay aligned with canon full-time, but I’m just bemused as to HOW she got the latter plotline when the former would have been just as easy to write and wave about for sympathy points.
but being able to stay with Jessie and becoming friends with
Meowth had made it all worthwhile! And every electrocution and blast-off
suffered at the hands of the twerps always seems to bring me and my friends
closer together, too!
Tom: Now yer just makin’ ‘em sound like they’ve got a fetish.
(I remember, last summer I had a dream where I saw my
grand-papa, and he even told me that no matter how difficult things may be for
me and my friends now, it would all have its reward someday soon. He'd told me
that a white tomorrow was waiting for us!)
Guardian’s Song: Let us also be thankful that Cori was pre-Social-Justice-Wankers.
The poor lady would have been constantly having to yell “IT’S IN THE JAPANESE LYRICS, STOP CALLING ME A RACIST! HOLY SHIT, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT MEANS!”
…Cori versus Social Justice Wankers. Huh. I… think we’ve found the one circumstance under which we’d all be rooting for Cori. O_o
So there's a reason for all the pain I suffer -- none of it is in vain because
it always leads me to a greater reward!
Tom: Y’know, I think he IS a masochist. *leery look* Fer someone who rants about stuff that ain’t appropriate fer a kid’s show, Falls’s sure fond’a writin’ about a cross-dressin’, thievin’ sadomasochist… Not that there’s anythin’ wrong with that. P’rticularly th’ thievin’ part.
Jerry: *flat expression* Are we sure she’s a fan of these characters? Are we sure?
I said to myself as I climbed to the top
of a lamp post and surveyed the world below...a world brimming with
opportunities and endless possibilities. Just like the mighty Moltres, I have
the power to prevail no matter what difficulties befall me and soar to new
heights! This is my destiny! I cannot be denied!
Tom: Excuse me, cross-dressin’, thievin’, bipolar sadomasochist. …Isn’t there some kinda series with vampires that’s about that?
Guardian’s Song: Minus the cross-dressing part.
And that was when something else strange happened -- I went mad with power.
Tom: Y’ noticed that a paragraph too late.
Now that I knew I could never truly be defeated, I decided it was time to take a
chance -- I had to do something great to show the world that James the Moltres
was here...and that he meant business!
Tom: (James) I’m going to go rob a museum of an exact replica of Queen Elizabeth’s dress and prance around in it! Watch out, England - for the second time, King Elizabeth will be succeeded by Queen James! *maniacal laughter*
Jerry: Do you have any better snark than ‘OMG CROSSDRESSER’?
Tom: Y’ mean like mockin’ th’ difference between a dork like canon!James an’ this hoity-toity idiot? Sure, but this’s funnier.
Jerry: *sigh*
And what better way to do that than capturing lots of pokemon?
Jerry: Actually training powerful Pokémon? Devising a trap that doesn’t involve a motto recitation beforehand? Getting a job that doesn’t involve your being electrocuted weekly?
Tom: Y’ really need t’ learn t’ stop usin’ that “Earth Logic” around here.
When I got down from the lamp post, I informed Jessie and Meowth that I was the
new supreme ruler of Team Rocket and that they had to obey and revere me. Under
the command of James the Moltres, we were going to capture all of the pokemon in
the city...maybe even the world!
Guardian’s Song: Look, I know this was in the episode for laughs, but given the way Cori!James otherwise swings between the heights of elation and the depths of despair with every emotional event in his life, no matter how trivial, this really makes it sound like he’s clinically bipolar. I’m resisting a strange urge to feel concerned for a fictional character’s mental health.
"I saw a dayHYPHEN!care center not too far from here," I told them. "We shall go there
with haste, and I shall lead you in pillaging and plundering its pokemon! Your
Moltres master will lead you to victory!" With that, I started heading up the
street.
Jessie and Meowth didn't look too thrilled that I'd usurped control of the team
and that I was ordering them around, but they followed me without protest. Who
could resist the power and charisma of the mighty Moltres, after all? And even
though I could tell that Jessie was kind of annoyed with me, I wasn't worried. I
knew that I'd be making it worth her while later.
The fair damsel will be singing a different song when James the Moltres lights
her fire tonight! I said to myself as I formed a mental image of the passion and
romance I had in store for her.
I could hardly wait!
Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||
@->->-
Guardian’s Song: And kudos on the ingenious divider. It actually does look like a rose.
Yes, I’m feeling emotionally zoned out at the time of this sporking being written. It makes me charitable towards those I dislike.
Our quest soon brought us to the local day care center. It did, indeed, look
like the perfect place to strike...to demonstrate my amazing Moltres powers!
Meowth suggested that we sneak in the back way, but I'd have no part of that!
"Out of the question!" I scoffed. "Sneaking and skulking is no way for James the
Moltres to engage in battle! Rather, we shall hold our heads high as we march
through the portcullis and face our enemies head-on! Make way!"
Guardian’s Song: …Portcullis? At a DAYCARE?
GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||
However, to say that I was disappointed by what I found when I walked through
the door would be an understatement -- our "enemies" were nothing more than an
old man and woman! I'd been hoping for a more formidable foe, but Moltres that I
am, I didn't let it get me down for long.
Perhaps starting small is the best way to begin my campaign, I reasoned. There's
no need to use force against these people -- a simple threat will be all it
takes to make them surrender! And perhaps when they surrender, others will see
my might and surrender as well! And as more surrender, the more power I'll gain!
Greater challenges do, indeed, lie ahead, but this shall do for a start!
Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||
As the old couple looked up from their work, I stood tall and smirked. "The
Moltres is here!" I informed them.
Tom: Next part unsporked fer th’ awesomeness.
Guardian’s Song: That’s not a reason.
Jerry: And it isn’t that ‘awesome’…
Tom: *annoyed* Will y’ be quiet an’ watch th’ fun?
The two of them gave me a confused look. They obviously didn't know who I was
and that this was the part where they were supposed to surrender and submit to
my will.
When I repeated that James the Moltres had arrived and commanded them to hand
over all of their pokemon, however, they refused. And they even looked as if
they were amused by my presence!
Well, that did it. Nobody laughs at James the Moltres! It was time to show these
simpletons that I was nobody to be trifled with!
But as I charged towards them, the old woman grabbed me by the collar of my
jacket and started shaking me about. I had greatly underestimated the enemy.
Behind me, I could hear Jessie shouting, "HEY!!! LET GO OF HIM!!!" Then, I was
thrown across the room and slammed into the wall.
When I opened my eyes again, I could see the old man grabbing Jessie and
throwing her across the room too, and I felt myself becoming every bit as
enraged as she'd been! Nobody hurts James the Moltres's woman and gets away with
it! Vengeance would be mine!
"How dare you treat James the Moltres in such a manner?!" I shouted. "Where did
you get the audacity, and where did you get the muscles?!"
The old couple laughed at us. "You obviously don't remember who we are, so let
us refresh your memory....Prepare for trouble, and make it double!"
Uh, oh. I could see where this was leading.
Tom: *stands up and cheers* Show ‘em who’s boss! Kick their posteriors t’ th’ curb!
Jerry: Just be glad she doesn’t like them, or she’d ruin their personalities, too.
Tom: *smugly* Well, she doesn’t, so it ain’t a problem.
"To infect the world with devastation!" the old woman cried.
"To blight all peoples in every nation!" the old man said in a hideous,
toad-like voice.
Tom: It ain’t hideous!
Jerry: Yes, it is. And it clearly “crossdresses” on the weekends. Ever wanted to hear Butch sing soprano?
Tom: …Y’ hold a grudge, don’tcha?
"To denounce the goodness of truth and love!"
"To extend our wrath to the stars above!"
"Cassidy!" With that, the old woman tore off her disguise and revealed her true
identity.
"Butch!" the old man croaked, doing the same.
"We're Team Rocket, circling the earth all day and night!"
"Surrender to us now, or you will surely lose the fight!"
"That's right!"
"Raticate!!!"
When the two of them finished that stupid mockery of our motto,
Tom: Y’ mean, th’ actual intimidatin’ version?
Jerry: You mean, the plagiarized version?
Tom: *irritated look*
they began to laugh at us once more.
"Grrrr! Cassidy!" Jessie growled.
"And Botch, too!" I chimed in.
"The name is BUTCH!" he shouted. "Can't you get anything right?!"
Jessie, Meowth, and I cringed at the god-awful sound of his voice.
Tom: It ain’t that awful!
What the hell are these bastards doing here?! I wondered as they continued to
gloat. I thought they were still in jail on Mandarin Island! I guess the boss
bailed their sorry asses out...again....
Tom: Th’ same’s true’a you. Who’s “sorry posterior” gets blasted a couple’a miles away on a weekly basis? Makes jail seem like a preschool, eh?
Knowing that my Moltres honor was at stake and that we had no choice but to
battle them, Jessie and I sprang to our feet and got out our poke balls.
Ariana: *poke, poke, poke, poke*
Albus: *irritated* Ariana, do you mind?
Before
we could release Arbok and Weezing, however, Cassidy's Raticate lunged at us,
and Butch released a Primeape.