Now Sporking: How James Got His Mojo Back, Part 4/5 (LJ Edition)
And as I held Jessie in my arms and made love to her, I thought again about
everything that had happened today. It was, indeed, silly to think that one
little fortune HYPHEN! telling book could make or break my life. I didn't have to be a
Moltres to be strong, or brave, or worthy of Jessie's love -- all I had to be
was myself! Even if I have been a Magikarp all along, I've never let that stop
me from trying to reach my dreams or finding true love...and I never will!
Guardian’s Song: I wish those lines weren’t in the middle of a sex scene. They deserve better company.
When we finished a couple of hours later, Jessie and I remained in our embrace
and laid together in bed.
"I said it last night, and I'll say it again -- you're an incredible lover,
James!" Jessie told me.
Tom: (Jessie) You always leave me incredulous.
I smiled at her and blushed.
"I don't care if you're not a Moltres -- you still light my fire like nobody's
business!" she continued.
"Thanks," I whispered, pulling her closer and caressing her bare skin.
Jessie closed her eyes and sighed happily as she rested her head on my chest. "I
love you so much, James," she muttered.
As Jessie drifted off to sleep, I smoothed back her crimson hair and gave her a
kiss on the forehead. "I love you, too," I echoed.
Once she'd fallen asleep, I found my thoughts drifting to my grand-papa once
more. For some reason, I kept thinking about the dream I'd had last summer where
I saw him and got to talk to him for awhile. I remember how he'd told me never
to doubt that he was proud of me and what I'd done with my life.
Guardian’s Song: (James) You’re proud of me becoming a career thief and repeatedly trying - and failing - to mug little kids?
(James’s Grandfather) Sure! Where did you think the family wealth came from, sonny? I was an early investor in Team Rocket! I may be a friendly grandfather, but I wasn’t a nice man!
I don't think
he would've been too proud of how carried away I got today, but thanks to
everything he taught me...and a little reminder from Jessie, it had all turned
out okay in the end.
Jessie. As I looked again at my beautiful lover, resting peacefully in my arms,
I recalled what grand-papa had said about her as well. He'd told me that he was
proud of me for choosing her...for falling in love with somebody who could
accept me the way I am
Tom: (James) But Grandpa, I’m not in love with Victreebel!
and make me happy. He'd also said that he was proud of me
for having the courage to stay by her side, no matter what. But then, how could
I not do everything in my power to stay by my Jessie's side? If there's one
thing I know about destiny, it's that Jess and I are bound by it. I'm no fortune
teller, but I do know that the two of us will be together forever, no matter how
Guardian’s Song: - long ~ from now until the end of time ~ We’ll be together, of that you can be sure ~ Together and a day, that’s how long we’ll stay ~ together and forever more~
difficult things may be at times!
You were right after all, grand-papa! I said to myself as I joined Jessie in
sleep. My friends and I will prevail over all adversities...and someday we'll
find that white tomorrow you promised....
@->->-
I awoke the next morning to the most beautiful sight imaginable -- Jessie still
asleep in my arms as golden sunlight streamed through the window and played upon
her gorgeous body.
Tom: (Golden Sunlight) I’m more heterosexual than you are, you chump.
I thought again about everything she'd told me the night
before and how she'd restored my shattered confidence, and it made her all the
more beautiful in my eyes.
So, I decided to do something to show Jessie how much she meant to me and how
much I appreciated what she'd done for me -- I decided to surprise her with
breakfast in bed.
Jerry: …What is WITH her obsession with food?!
Guardian’s Song: There’s “write what you know”, and then there’s the Cooking Channel.
"I love you, Jess," I whispered as I gently pulled myself from her arms and
tucked the sheets around her.
Jessie sighed contentedly and smiled in her sleep.
I returned the smile and caressed her cheek.
After setting up my waffle iron, I opened the mini-fridge and got out the
ingredients I was going to need for the breakfast I had planned. Then, I mixed
them all together, making batter for Belgian waffles.
While the waffle iron was heating, Jessie awoke and came to my side.
"Good morning, handsome," she said as she snaked her arms around my waist.
"Good morning, beautiful," I echoed, pouring some batter onto the iron and
closing it.
Jessie sniffed the air and tightened her hold on me. "That smells wonderful!
You're the best cook!"
I smiled at her. "Well, somebody as wonderful as you deserves nothing but the
best!" I replied.
Jessie smiled back and tousled my hair. "You're definitely the best, James!"
Tom: What are they, opposite-sex clones?
Guardian’s Song: Invoketh not the Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, even in jest. You want to talk about a complete breakdown in Earth Logic, buddy-boy? Just keep on that line of thought…
"Thanks, Jess."
"James?" she said after a moment.
"What is it, honey?" I asked.
She blushed a little. "Do you think...I could help you make breakfast?"
"Jessie, I'm doing this to show you how grateful I am for what you did last
night," I told her. "You don't have to do a thing."
Jessie smirked. "I know that! But I love your cooking lessons even more than I
love your cooking!"
I smirked back. "Oh, you want a cooking lesson, do you?"
She blushed again. "Pretty please, James?"
Jerry: …This is reading uncomfortably like foreplay. I’m beginning to wonder if Miss Falls actually had a fetish.
Tom: Y’ mean this is all literal food-porn fer her? Just great…
I laughed. "How can I say no?" With that, I swept Jessie into my arms and seated
her in my lap. Then, I put my spatula into her hand and opened the waffle iron.
Jessie cuddled into me and rested her head on my shoulder. "What do I do,
James?" she asked playfully.
I wrapped my left arm around her waist and placed my right hand over hers. "You
pick the waffle up with the spatula, like so...." I guided her hand and helped
her lift the waffle from the iron. "....And then you put it on a plate to cool,
like so...." I guided her hand again and helped her put the first of the waffles
onto the serving platter.
"Just like that?" she asked.
"Just like that," I echoed.
Jessie giggled. "Yay! I can make waffles!"
"Very good, Jess," I told her. "You get a reward!"
"Oh? And what would that be?" she asked, turning her head slightly and gazing
into my eyes.
I pushed her hair aside and planted a kiss on her neck. "How about that?"
She sighed as my lips touched her soft, creamy skin. "Mmmm...that'll do just
fine!"
Jerry: Um, this is really -
I pulled Jessie closer and kissed her again. "You're getting to be a pretty good
cook, sweetheart!" I told her.
"Well, with lessons like yours, how could I not?" she replied. "Keep it up, and
I'll be a gourmet chef!"
I chuckled as Jessie turned herself around and placed her hands on my shoulders.
Then, she leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine.
I love giving Jessie "cooking lessons" -- I give them to her whenever I get the
chance. I hold her hands and sit her on my lap while I cook, and I let her help
me prepare the food. And every time she learns her "lesson," I reward her with a
kiss...or better. I'll admit it's not the fastest way to cook, and sometimes
Jess is more of a hindrance than a help, but I don't really mind. Being close to
her is more important to me than food. And besides, she's so damn sexy! How can
I resist?
Jerry: It IS foreplay! This IS some sort of turn-on for her! Oh, good grief! I will NEVER be able to look at all the descriptions of food the same way again!
Tom: What th’ Muk?! Y’ mean she was slippin’ it past us all along?!
Guardian’s Song: D: This must just be a coincidence! It must be!
When our kiss ended, we rested our foreheads together and smiled at each other.
"Why don't we finish making those waffles?" I said. "If they turn out good, I'll
give you another reward after breakfast!"
Jessie's smile became a grin, and I could feel her heart racing. "Then let's get
cooking!" she exclaimed.
I placed my hands over Jessie's as she turned around once more and picked up the
bowl of batter. Then, I guided her hands as she poured the batter onto the iron,
set the bowl down, and closed the lid. While the second waffle was cooking, I
hugged Jessie to me and covered her face and neck with kisses.
Tom: With this lady, that’s hardcore porn. After all, that’s where th’… erogenous zones (that’s it) are fer her characters.
Jerry: *still traumatized* No, you forgot the buttocks.
Tom: Oh, yeah.
After a few
minutes, I guided her hands again as she picked up the spatula and used it to
put the waffle onto the plate. The second waffle looked as fluffy and golden as
the first, and I rewarded Jessie with another kiss.
We continued like this until all of the batter was gone, and the serving platter
was stacked with warm, sweet Belgian waffles. After unplugging the waffle iron,
I ran my finger along the sides of the bowl and coated it with some of the
remaining batter. I then placed my finger to Jessie's lips and let her lick the
batter from it. Once she'd finished, she reached into the bowl and covered her
own finger with batter. Then, she touched her finger to my lips and let me lick
the batter, too.
"Very tasty," she muttered seductively.
"Very," I agreed.
When we scraped the sides of the bowl and licked each other's fingers a second
time, Meowth walked through the door and snickered. "Hey! Are youse guys makin'
breakfast, or is dis just some new kinda foreplay?"
Jerry: *buries face in hands and sobs*
Tom: Meowth, y’ve got NO idea...
Jessie looked at him and smirked. "A little bit of both," came her reply.
Meowth sweatdropped. "I think I just lost my appetite."
Jerry: Meowth speaks for us all. *sob*
Tom: Yer tellin’ me.
"Oh, knock it off!" she said. "It's not like we had sex on the table or
anything!"
"Yeah, DERE'S an image I wanted!" he grumbled.
Jerry: He really speaks for us all!
"Fine," I said as I picked up the plate of waffles and brought it to the table.
"If you don't want any, then don't eat any! It's just more for me and Jess!"
His eyes widened, and he quickly seated himself. "No, no! I'll have some! Just
don't talk about...ya know. Not while we're eatin', anyway."
Jerry: No! Don’t betray us for thirty crumbs of Belgian waffles!
{snip, they eat}
@->->-
After breakfast, Meowth offered to wash the dishes for me and Jessie since we'd
done all of the cooking. And since we couldn't very well "reward" each other
while he was in the room (not unless we wanted to be the butt of his raunchy
jokes, anyway),
Jerry: *BRAIN BLEACH*
we had to find a way to keep ourselves occupied until we had
some privacy.
So, I decided to get out my laptop and check our e-mail.
Once I'd booted up the computer and connected to the internet, I logged into our
e-mail account. We don't really get that much mail, but we hadn't been online in
days, and I wanted to check it anyway.
And I'm glad that I did because we actually had a new message today -- a message
from Mermaid4@gymtrainers.cerulean.net.
Guardian’s Song: Kudos for the sensible e-mail address, Miss Falls.
Now, remind me why MISTY is e-mailing the people who try to mug her love interest, her, and their friend on a regular basis?
"Hey! It's Misty!" said Jessie. "I wonder what she wants."
Tom: Yer head onna stick?
"Only one way to find out," I replied as I opened the message and began to read:
Hey, guys!
Just thought I'd drop u a line and let u know that I'm soooooo sorry 4 what I
did yesterday. I didn't mean 2 blast u off.
Guardian’s Song: What? …WHAT?!
“"Raticate! Skull Bash attack!" Cassidy screamed.
When I looked up, I saw the rat charging towards us at full-tilt. Then, he
slammed into us and sent us blasting off.
"I told you Moltres would triumph! Now I'm flying high!" I said as my friends
and I were launched into the sky.”
What is she TALKING ABOUT?
I was just mad cos that fake fortune
telling book said I was a Gyrados! (Can u believe that? Me? A Gyrados? LOL!)
Jerry: *raises head from hands* Yes, and frankly, we could believe both you and Jessie had the same horoscope.
Anyway, I was kinda grouchy with everybody cos of that. It wasn't personal, and
I'm sorry. ^_^*
Oh, and I've got some good news 4 u! After Butch and Cassidy blasted u off,
Guardian’s Song: Miss Falls - Miss Falls, are you feeling all right? You just - I mean -
Okay, in the original episode, I guess Misty might have blasted them off early in the episode. However, in this fic? That never happened. So Misty cannot mention it in an e-mail.
Arrrrrrgh! What’s wrong with her? She’s usually very good about her own continuity! Was she sick the week she wrote this, or something? D8 This is nuts!
Ash,
Brock, and I took care of them. They're back in jail! ^_^ I know u hate them cos
they're so mean and evil,
Jerry: There’s knocking the reader over the head with the author’s point of view, and then there’s knocking the reader over the head with a sledgehammer.
Tom: An’ anyway, it’s wrong. They obviously hate ‘em ‘cause they’re so much better’n they are, an’ they ain’t got any compunctions about rubbin’ it in.
Jerry: *annoyed* Your bias is showing, you know that?
so I thought you'd be happy 2 know about that. Plus,
as a reward, Officer Jenny gave us a copy of the real fortune telling book, and
guess what!!!!! B&C did a really crappy job copying that fake book -- it isn't
anything like the real one! That means I'm not really a Gyrados, so yay!!! ^___^
Jerry: Also - does it really seem like Misty talks like this? Or would talk in chatspeak in an e-mail? If anyone, maybe Ash would…
My spirits sank for a moment as I read about Misty finding the real book. She
seemed to be happy with whatever her new sign was, and with their luck, her
friends probably all had good signs, too...and that just reminded me of how much
my sign sucked.
Jerry: *sigh* We should have had a wangst count…
Guardian’s Song: We’d be here all MONTH.
Suddenly, I felt Jessie place her hand on my shoulder and give me a gentle
squeeze. I looked over at her and saw that she was smiling at me. And as I gazed
into Jessie's beautiful blue eyes, I reminded myself that it didn't matter that
I was a Magikarp because she loved me for who I was. And besides, Butch and
Cassidy were in jail again! That was definitely good news!
Tom: An’ they’ll be right back out again. Suckers.
With rekindled spirit, I took Jessie's hand in my own and continued to read:
And OMG!!! The real book is soooo cool! It says my sign is Tentacruel!
Guardian’s Song: What?
I just
loooove Tentacruel!!!!
Guardian’s Song: What?
They're so pretty and strong and awesome!
Guardian’s Song: I can’t tell if this is supposed to be Misty’s point of view and Cori’s laughing at her, or Cori honestly believes this!
It's the
perfect sign 4 me! So much better than nasty old Gyrados! ^____^
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Did we mention that our ‘fake’ actually corrected the signs to their proper readings? The real one was horribly inaccurate.
Jerry: So James is a Moltres?
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) If it gets him to humiliate himself more in public… sure, why not?
Brock is really
happy, too. The fake book said his sign was Onix. He liked that sign, and it
really fit him, so he was kinda nervous when we got the real book, but guess
what! The real book says he's an Onix, too! (I guess B&C got *one* thing right,
after all. hehe)
Tom: What a coinkidink.
Ash isn't too happy though. The fake book said he was a
Bellsprout, and he hated that, but he doesn't like his real sign either -- the
real book says he's a Mr. Mime! XD
Guardian’s Song: …That’s an insult?
Besides, it’s nonsense. If Ash was a mime, wouldn’t he be quieter? And if he was a Mr. Mime, wouldn’t he be better at blocking Charmeleon’s attacks?
He was even angrier than I was about being a
Gyrados when he saw that! It makes sense though -- that time he dressed like a
Mr. Mime, his own mom couldn't tell him apart from a real one...and neither
could u or anybody else! LOL! I guess that fortune telling book is pretty
accurate, ne? ^_~
Jessie laughed when she read this. "See, James? It could've been worse! Magikarp
might not be very strong, but at least it's not goofy like Mr. Mime!"
Guardian’s Song: I seem to recall that Mr. Mime was rather important for Psychic Stall decks back in the early days of the TCG. It’s not necessarily an insult.
I laughed, too. "Yeah!"
And while we were looking up our b-days, we looked up some other ones, too. We
found out that Tracey is a Muk....
Jessie laughed again. "Oh, my god! There's another one that's worse than
Magikarp!"
I covered my mouth with my hand and snickered. "Yeah! I'd rather be a floppy
fish than a big, smelly blob any day!"
Tom: (Tracey) Yeah, right. I’m going to go get employed by Koga in time for Heart Gold/Soul Silver. Have fun, guys - I’m going to be equipped with Leftovers, have Sludge Bomb at the ready, and have a ton of Defense and HP. I know I’m going to be having fun.
Jessie leaned over and kissed my cheek.
....We also found out that Professor Oak is a Dragonite,
Jerry: And I don’t even know where that came from. Shouldn’t he be a Alakazam? Or, given that this is post-Orange-Islands, a Slowking?
and Gary is an
Arcanine.
Jerry: Um… I don’t think so.
Guardian’s Song: How about a Nidoking? Powerful and arrogant.
OMG!!! U should've seen Ash when he read Gary's horoscope! He was all
like, "Ooooh, that GARY!!! >_<" I think he's jealous cos Gary has a cool sign,
and he doesn't like his. I swear, he can be so competitive sometimes. -___-
Jerry: You didn’t need to explain the joke.
Anyway, the point of this (besides owing u an apology) is that I wanted 2 ask
what ure b-days are so I can look up ure signs! James looked really sad when he
found out he wasn't a Moltres, and Jessie, did u say something about being
disappointed that u weren't an Eevee?
Jerry: (Jessie) *facepalm* Get a hearing aid! I was disappointed that I WAS!
That really sux that B&C messed with u
like that. =( But who knows? Maybe it's like Brock and they didn't get ure
horoscopes wrong, or maybe it's like me and ure real signs are even better than
the fake ones! If u let me know ure b-days, I'll be happy 2 look them up 4 u!
^___^
Hope 2 chat soon!
Jerry: (Misty) …As I blast you off again. You jerks keep trying to steal all our Pokémon! I wouldn’t be happily e-mailing you like this in a thousand years!
-- Misty
When we finished reading the message, Jessie and I exchanged looks.
"Should I tell her that we already have a copy of the real book?" I asked.
"Yeah, we should," Jessie replied. "That was nice of her to offer, though."
I nodded. But just as I was about to hit the reply button, Jessie placed her
hand over mine and stopped me.
"Wait."
"What is it, Jess?"
"Well," she said, "before we say anything, why don't we look at that book
again?"
Guardian’s Song: Here it is, folks. Take cover!
I raised an eyebrow. "What's the point? I don't care about anything it has to
say anymore."
"I know. But I meant just for fun," she told me. "We can read your horoscope to
see just how wrong it is...."
Meowth finished washing the dishes and joined us. "Yeah! Dat oughtta be good for
a few laughs!"
"And I never got the chance to look up my real sign," she continued. "I don't
really care what the book says either, but I am curious."
I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. They had a point -- the book may have
been right about Misty and her friends, but it couldn't have been more wrong
about me!
Tom: An’ y’ goin’ t’ switch yer position on this in a moment, I just know y’ are.
It'd be fun to take another look and see just how unreliable it was!
Jessie placed her hand on my shoulder once again. "Just keep in mind that no
matter what that book says, you have to take it with a grain of salt. Remember
that episode of That's My Shrubb! where Dubya was calling the psychic hotline,
and the fortune teller turned out to be some big fat guy who was just playing
solitaire with the Tarot cards?"
Guardian’s Song: For the love of -
Look. What is the POINT of including George W. Bush (or “Shrubb”) in the Pokémon world? What is the POINT? For gad’s sakes. WHAT. IS. THE. POINT.
I mean, thanks for shoving your real-life politics down our throats, Miss Falls. Really. My real-life politics include punishing thieves and con artists for their crimes rather than bawling about their tragic pasts, and putting unreformed crooks who have literally committed hundreds of crimes and show no signs of repentance or remorse what-so-bloody-ever into jail for a good, long time. Yes, tell me how unsympathetic I am. I really don’t care about the delicate and nuanced feelings of people who have made a lifestyle out of harming others. You know how you gloat about Butch and Cassidy being thrown in the slammer? If we’re bringing real life into this, Jessie and James should be right beside them.
Keep your politics the heck out of fanfiction, or bring them in all the way - with all the harsh reality that implies. Either “Judge not, lest ye be judged” - or do Ayn Rand’s version, and “Judge, and prepare to be judged”. But don’t pull this nonsense where you get to go after others all you like, but the moment you get attacked - even as a counterattack - you start screaming and bawling about how MEAN everyone is and CRUEL and INTOLERANT and UNCARING, wah wah wah. There is nothing… nothing that sets my temper off more. Nothing.
Meowth facefaulted. "I can't believe dat moron has his own show," he grumbled.
"He doesn't!" said Jessie. "It's just a satire that shows what an idiot W.
Shrubb is!
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Excellent. With our habit of being, ah, inspired by you, we’ll start a satire dedicated to showing what idiots you two are!
We’ll call it the Pokémon anime!
Didn't you see who the executive producers are?"
He shook his head.
"Rhiannon and Laine!" she told him.
Meowth's eyes widened. "Ya mean the friends of dose girls who put us in dere
comic book?"
"Yep. That's them."
This made him laugh.
I couldn't help but laugh, too. I still remembered how much fun Jessie, Meowth,
and I had dressing up as superheroes and kicking W. Shrubb out of office a
couple of months ago...
Guardian’s Song: Wonderful! Tell us more about your magnificent regime changes, Jessie and James! Especially when you ARE literal international criminals, whether or not you’ve ever gotten served charges for it!
Funny, I can’t tell why you hate Bush so much - sounds like you’re REAL fans of the Bush Doctrine!
and what a nice surprise it was when we found out that
Celes and Terra had chronicled our adventure in a best-selling comic series. It
Guardian’s Song: (Jessie and James) - had promptly gotten us convicted for our repeated attempted burglaries, assaults and batteries, muggings, fraudulent activities, aaaand so on and so forth, as chronicled in the comics… Thanks a lot, Final-Fantasy-named people!
was nice to know that their two friends had become the producers of a hit sitcom
in the wake of those events.
"The point is, you have to remember that you can't count on fortune HYPHEN! telling to
predict your whole life," Jessie continued. "I said it last night, and I'll say
it again -- you're smarter than that, James.
Tom: Obviously, he ain’t.
And no matter what your horoscope
may say, you're strong enough to defy it and make your own destiny."
Tom: If it’s just a load’a hooey, there’s nothin’ t’ defy! What’re y’ talkin’ about?
I smiled at her. "You're right, Jess! It's for entertainment purposes only!"
"Den whatta we waitin' for? Let's get dat book!" Meowth exclaimed.
Jessie grinned and pulled the book out of my backpack. Then, she began to flip
through the pages. "First, we'll look up my birthday!" she said. "Here it is --
December 13th! It says...." Suddenly, her face lit up.
My smile grew even wider. It was obviously something good. "What does it say,
Jess?" I asked.
"Ah! I'm a Ninetales!" she cheered. "It says here that the Ninetales-type has a
propensity for grace and physical beauty. And just like a real Ninetales, the
Ninetales-type also has a keen intellect and a fiery temper!"
Tom: …An’ y remember what y’ just said about it bein’ just fer entertainment? And not havin’ anythin’ t’ do with reality?
Meowth folded his arms across his chest and smiled. "Dat sure sounds like you,
Jess!"
Jessie blushed. "I knew it! I'm an elegant Ninetales, after all! This is even
better than Eevee!"
Jerry: You know, you could consider that Eevees are adaptable, changeable, and filled with potential…
Guardian’s Song: Yeah, Cori Falls just doesn’t seem to consider that it would fit her themes for Jessie and James to both be filled with potential for greatness once they moved on in their lives. I guess she considers it an insult - How DARE anyone suggest they’re not perfect already?
I put an arm around Jessie's shoulders and gave her a kiss. Then, I looked at
her horoscope and read a little more of it. "This also says that in matters of
romance, the Ninetales-type's fiery nature is best matched by a cool ice or
water sign."
Jerry: *under breath* You could as easily say that it’s best when reinforced by a fellow fire-sign. This is just silly.
Jessie smiled again and returned my embrace. "Well, Magikarp is a
water-type...and we're a perfect match! I guess that part is right, too!"
"Maybe there's something to it, after all," I said.
Tom: Y’ really only pay attention t’ it when it’s nice fer y’, don’tcha?
She nodded. "But it's still not completely accurate -- let's look at your
horoscope again!"
Tom: Y’ know, forget this. There’s only one video that can properly answer this entire darn fic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIwdSzvIfIM&feature=related
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Okay."
"What page was your birthday on, James?"
"Page 50."
"Alrighty, then!"
Here goes nothing.... I said to myself as I listened to Jessie flipping through
the pages again.
"Ah, here it is! Page 50. It says...uh...."
Jerry: (Jessie) …You were born female?
Tom: I thought y’ didn’t make jokes about him?
Jerry: *sigh* In these stories, do you have a choice?
I opened my eyes again. "What does it say, Jess?"
Jessie gave me a quizzical look. "James, how much of this did you actually look
at?" she asked.
I felt my throat tightening. What was wrong?! "Well...I looked up my birthday,
just like in the other book, and saw that my sign was Magikarp, and skimmed over
some of the horoscope. Why do you ask?"
Jerry: (Jessie) Because it says you have a penchant for masochism, Victreebels, and jaywalking.
(James) I didn’t realize TV Tropes did horoscopes.
"Well, you obviously didn't look closely enough."
"What do you mean?"
Jessie handed the book to me and pointed to the top of the page. "Well, it says
Magikarp is the sign for this birthday, but this isn't your birthday, James!"
I looked more closely at the birthdate printed at the top of the page. Jessie
was right -- I'd been looking at January 24th instead of January 29th! I was on
the wrong page!
Jerry: Wait… there’s a different sign for every birthday? That’s not how horoscopes work…
…Though it would make more sense, I - Wait! This was in Johto! There weren’t 365 Pokémon yet! How does she plan to manage this?!
Tom: Y’ were expectin’ Falls t’ have planned it out? Sucker.
Meowth gave me a playful whack on the head. "How could ya get yer own birthday
wrong, ya numb-skull?!"
Tom: …Too easy.
"I'd like to know the answer to that one, myself," said Jessie.
"Well, I just turned to the same page that my birthday was on in the other
book," I explained. "The days of the year are always in the same order,
regardless of the zodiac. And since my birthday was on page 50 in the fake book,
I just assumed it'd be on that page in the real one, too. I guess I should've
looked closer, huh?"
Tom: An’ y didn’t check which day it started on? If it ain’t on January 1st, y’ gotta look it up!
"Damn right!" said Meowth. "You should never assume anythin', Jimbo...cuz when
ya assume, ya make an ass outta you and me!"
Tom: (International Donkeys’ Association) We object to that comparison - it terribly insults us.
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "I feel like such an idiot...."
Jessie put an arm around my shoulders. "Don't," she said. "It's not your fault
you know how to count -- it's Butch and Cassidy's for doing such a crappy
copying job and getting the dates all out of order! I can't believe how stupid
they are!"
Tom: Y’ blaming ‘EM fer YER stupidity?
An’ it has nothin’ t’ do with how t’ count! They obviously STARTED ON A DIFFERENT DAY, or CHANGED TH’ HOROSCOPES T’ MAKE ‘EM SHORTER! Y’ ever tried t’ copy an entire book? Yer crazy! Yer absolutely crazy!
I smiled weakly. "I know...but it was still pretty foolish of me to not even
look at the date and just assume my birthday was on the same page...."
Tom: Yep. It was.
Jessie cupped my chin in her hand and gave me a kiss. "Don't worry about it.
It's not important."
"I guess...."
"Hey! Ya know what dis means?!" Meowth interjected.
Jessie and I looked down at him.
"Since James was lookin' at the wrong page dis whole time, it means he ain't a
Magikarp!"
Tom: Y’ agreed it was all junk! He ain’t ANYTHING!
Jessie grinned. "That's right!"
I suddenly felt myself becoming nervous again. "Well, if I'm not a Magikarp,
then what am I?"
Tom: *in a falsetto* ‘I’m a woman! Call me Jeannie!’
"Let's just find out!" Jessie said as she turned to my real birthday...which was
on page 60 in this book.
I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers. Oh, god! Please don't let it be
something like Mr. Mime or Muk....
Jerry: (Jessie) It says you’re a “Cori Falls Main Character”, and will promptly be occupied in sobbing, romantic angst, and whining about how cruel and persecuted is the life of the criminal. *looks over at him*
(James) *sobs, romantically angsts, and whines about how cruel and persecuted is the life of the criminal*
(Jessie) …Maybe there’s something to this astrology stuff after all!
"Here we are -- January 29th! It says...." Jessie's voice trailed off for a
moment, and she gasped. "Oh, my!"
Jerry: (Jessie) You’re - you’re E.L. James!
Oh, shit!
Jessie's eyes sparkled as she looked at me, and she began to blush again.
"James...I think you're going to like this!"
Jerry: (James) Oh, my! Is Christie Grey going to rescue Anakin Steele from his evil fiancé, Chrisabelle Greyer, and carry him off to a sensuous fantasy land of dominance, submission, and crossdressing?
(Jessie) …James, I’m beginning to think I should have never told you to vanity-publish your Twilight fanfiction.
Meowth jumped onto her shoulder to get a better look at the book, and he gasped,
too. "Holy crap! Dat's even better den Moltres...and it makes more sense, too!"
Jerry: (James) With the advent of Stealth Rock on the competitive battling scene, that’s not saying much.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me -- it was something good, after all! But
what was it?!
Jessie handed the book to me. "Check it out!"
I looked at the birthdate again to confirm that I was on the right page this
time, and sure enough it was January 29th. And just below my birthdate was a
picture of....
"Articuno?!"
Tom: An’ yer still not a Zapdos. So, yer better than… Meowth? Or is Meowth Zapdos an’ Jessie Moltres…
Jerry: You’re treading on thin ice here…
(Meowth) On da downside, yoire still 4x voilnerable to Stealth Rock. Pick up da pace! We’re gonna get whipped at da big match inna week if ya keep dis up! One good Rock-type and we’re sunk!
Jessie and Meowth smiled at me.
"I'm an Articuno-type?!"
They nodded.
"Read it!" Meowth exclaimed.
"Yeah! See what it says, James!" said Jessie.
Jerry: (James) It says “As an elegant icebird, you are flamboyant, effeminate, melodramatic, and bordering on a gay stereotype. You are very secure in what little masculinity you have, and so have no difficulty wearing women’s clothing as the occasion calls for it. For the sake of contrast, you will be paired with a hot-tempered, somewhat violent partner who is still more emotionally stable than you are, and has no compunctions about smacking you out of your funks. Your role model is Fai D. Flourite.” *puts book down* I knew astrology was all bunk!
(Meowth) *under breath* Doesn’t sound like bunk to me…
(James) *indignantly* What was that?
(Meowth) Nuthin’ at all… *under breath* Mr. Flourite.
I smiled back at them and read the book's description of my sign. "It says,
Great powers masked by a gentle disposition and a mild temperament.
Guardian’s Song: “Masked”? Why should that be a contrary indicator? He’s not Eliwood of Pherae!
No matter
what difficulties befall them, the Articuno-type will always prevail in the end
and soar to new heights! What the?! This is kind of like what the other book
said about Moltres!"
Tom: …An’ now yer rippin’ off Butch an’ Cassidy. Th’ circle is complete.
Jessie smirked. "What did Botch and Crappidy do? Get their Legendary Birds
confused and put the Articuno horoscope under Moltres?"
Tom: It’s a con! They could’ve put Paras there an’ it wouldn’t matter!
Given what was canon first? Yer th’ one gettin’ confused an’ sayin’ Articuno’s horoscope is th’ one with th’ description appropriate t’ a phoenix…
Jerry: I thought Articuno’s reputation was that it saved lost travelers in the mountains. Shouldn’t that horoscope correspond to those who are very considerate and, despite their chilly exteriors, go out of their way to help those in need?
Tom: That’s Earth Logic.
Meowth facefaulted. "Dey prolly did. Dose morons...."
"Well, that would certainly explain why the fake book managed to get my
horoscope right," I remarked.
Tom: Y’ discarded all th’ parts y’ didn’t like an’ kept those y’ did! Idiot! Yer even more dishonest than real astrologers!
Meowth nodded.
Jessie blushed again. "Well, it's definitely the right horoscope this time.
Tom: Just like th’ Moltres one was?
Now
see what it says about love and romance!"
Tom: (Jessie) You will star in a hundred yaoi doushinjis… Excuse me?
(Butch) Excuse YOU? Have you considered who’s going to have to be the seme?!
I looked back at the book and smiled. "It says that the Articuno-type's cool
demeanor is best matched by a passionate fire sign!"
Tom: Y’ only need “passionate”?
James/Jessiebelle / James/Misty / James/Lt. Surge OTP!!!1!11!
She clapped her hands. "That's me -- a fiery, passionate Ninetales! And Articuno
is an ice sign! We really are a perfect match!"
Tom: Yer not even in th’ same egg group! Yer threatenin’ th’ sacred institution’a egg groups!
Meowth laughed. "Dat book is dead-on about yer personalities and yer love-life!
Jerry: *sigh* Astrology books are engineered to make you say that…
Maybe dere really is more ta dis fortune tellin' den we thought...."
"Maybe," I said. "But I'm not going to get carried away with it again...no
matter how accurate the book is."
"Good!" he sighed. "Cuz after what James the Moltres put us through yesterday, I
don't think I could handle a repeat performance from James the Articuno!
Jerry: Thank you, Meowth!
And I
don't think poor Jess could handle it either -- you'd prolly make the rest of
her underwears explode if ya pulled anythin' like dat again!"
Jerry: …No thank you, Meowth.
"That's enough, Meowth!" Jessie cried.