LITTLE MISS MARY, Part Twenty-Three
Disclaimer: Nintendo and Intelligent Systems own Fire Emblem and thus the Nergals and Ninis. I own Elbe, Roy, and Richard. NGE belongs to Hideaki Anno and GAINAX. CLAMP owns Kurogane, Fai (T!Fai), Yuui (Y!Fai), Fei-Wang Reed, and Syaoran. JKR owns Harry Potter, the fic belongs to Athea, and my rapidly fading sanity belongs to Deleterius. :D The (/deadpan) notation (and, possibly, the |D notation) belongs to HalfLight. :D
*a large Ice Dragon is prodding the fic with one gigantic claw*
*a scholarly Dark Mage is leaning against said dragon’s leg and reading a book in a feeble attempt to keep away from the fic*
*a Dark Lord who looks identical to the Dark Mage, save for his foul expression and the turban-like pile of cloth over one of his eyes, is scowling at the fic*
*a red-haired young man is reading a pornish doushinji, a perverted grin on his face*
All right, everyone! BEGIN!
Nergal the Sane: …Mercy?
What is this mercy you speak of? >D
BEGIN SPORK
“[Harry] I like every way you take me, my sweet Sev. It will always be proof that I’m a “special education” case."
Each stroke was heating me *turns up blowtorch* until I had to reach around and grip his cock BAWK-BAWK - Oh, yes, Kuro-tan, oh - Can we pay you to come back? Oh, certainly, they can be made to return. However, the price is - No thank you, I happen to like my sister, my balls, my sanity, my station in life, and my pornish doushinji collection. You can have my sister’s boyfriend, though. :D …If I could only tell you how many men have offered me their mother-in-laws…. Once he seized up, he pulled my climax from me.
Ninis: - with tenterhooks.
Nergal the Sane: *crosses legs* Ninis!
I flooded him with seed and gradually lowered us to our sides, partly facing into the fire and partly the mirror. He relaxed in my arms, his eyes never leaving our mirror-image.
{snip Harry being wangsty}
"I hope so. Dumbledore gave in very quickly when I told him you were safe and staying right where you were."
Nergal the Sane: But he had no proof aside from “a basket that spends most of its time on the arm of Lord Voldemort”! Incidentally, why didn’t Dumbledore just say ‘Tom” instead of “Voldemort”? The Dark Lord Tom doesn’t quite have the same intimidation factor.
Nergal the Insane: That would require Earth Logic. And for your second question… that would also require Earth Logic.
I kissed down his neck and over his shoulder. "I hesitate to predict what he will say or do but he truly does have your best interests to heart, Harry."
Nergal the Insane: Ah hah ha hah ha! You mean, setting him up to die For the Greater Good?
Nergal the Sane: Well, this is pre-Book 6, which is really the only point at which that plot point could be guessed… and also, it’s “at heart”, not “to heart”.
Ninis: *is relieved*
"But he keeps sending you into danger, Sev." He turned towards me, his eyes serious. "I don't really trust him with you. I'm afraid he'll put you back to spying and Voldemort will unmask you."
Nergal the Sane: Well, yes…Sometimes, you can’t just obsess over what’s safe for yourself. Not that Stus have any such concept.
"It's a valid fear, Harry." I would respect his feelings
Roy: - while privately mocking them.
. "I am the only one who can do what I do. Voldemort's been gaining power every month for the last two years and I'm afraid of what he'll do now that he has a base from which to draw."
Guardian’s Song: (Harry) That’s simple, we run a Damage Control/Stall deck and let him Professor Oak himself into oblivion. …Am I the only one here who played the Game Boy Color Pokémon Trading Card game? :D
His face set into older lines and his green eyes met mine. "We're going to take his base away and destroy him. The wards have been talking to me in my dreams, Sev.
Roy: That’s nice, Harry. And the men in white coats have been talking to me about you.
There's a place near here where there's a well of power we could draw from. Did you know about magic ley lines?"
Ninis: …No… magic runs… through all of nature… not just… along channels… which can be persuaded… to cooperate… by sex…
I searched my memory. "Just the bare minimum, little love. Magnetic ley lines run all through Europe and Great Britain. It never occurred to me that magic might run along the same lines.
Nergal the Sane: They probably don’t. And the author is setting up a huge Deus Ex Machina, I can just see it. And why didn’t Tom Marvolo Riddle, prize Hogwarts student, find them?
Nergal the Insane: Because he’s a virgin.
Nergal the Sane: Why am I afraid that you’re right?
We can do some research when we go back to Hogwarts. We still have three weeks though before we have to go back. I promise to help you every way I can."
"I know you will, Sev. You want to destroy him as much as I do."
Nergal the Sane: It’s like Half-Blood Prince! It’s not “I want to keep him from harming the Wizarding World”, it’s “GRAAAAAAAAAAAAH I must KEEEEEEL him!” Subtle difference, but it’s still there!
He smiled up at me and I just had to kiss him, again and again, until his lips were slightly swollen with our kisses.
We cuddled for some time before I slipped from him. He fell asleep in my arms and I carried him to bed after tenderly removing his new outfit. I loved his innocence and no matter what I'd try to preserve that for him.
Ninis: Because… of course… if he was not… mentally impaired… he would not be… so… easily… manipulated. *growls*
Should we ever have children, they would inherit that from my sweet love.
Nergal the Sane: Most people don’t sound so cheerful about knowing their children will be halfwits - unless - oh dragon gods -
Nergal the Insane: We did not need to think about incest amongst idiots.
Guardian’s Song: And after this next POV switch, the Summer of Badsex ends and we go into the School Years of Badplot. :D
********* Harry *********
The next few weeks went by so fast I could hardly believe it. Every day we did something new I'd never done before. We ate out and visited museums, forests OXFORD COMMA! and hiking trails. I always wore my skirts but sometimes my brown boots instead of the little heels which are freaking annoying because you can’t run around in them. If the author had to make Harry a girl, why didn’t she even try to hold to some canon and make him a tomboy? I liked so much. My hair grew really fast and I left it loose to fall down my back.
Roy: There is no part or parcel of this fic that is slash. It is merely the romance of an ape and a girl with some sad syndrome that has as its symptoms severe mental retardation and a severely enlarged clitoris.
Sev loved brushing it and he was right - I really did love when he washed it.
Nergal the Insane: I forsee that the bathing process is “It puts the shampoo on its hair, or it gets the hose again”!
Roy: *grimly chuckles* Merely a “hose”? No, Snape has far more “pumping power” by himself and is willing to use -
*horrified silence from group*
Roy: …This must be the “Necronomicon effect” Richard talks about! :D How funny that a mere badsex epic would have the same effect as a tome full of the darkest magic! :D *is attacked by all three other sporkers*
His strong fingers would massage my scalp until I purred *hisses* *raises back* RWAAAAAAAAAAAAR! … … …Kittens Against Little Miss Mary. :D for him. I was going to ask Professor McGonagall if she'd teach me how to be an animagus. Sometimes I was a kitten K! A! L! M! M! in my dreams and I was pretty sure Sev would like that.
Ninis: Cats are… more resourceful… than this. Perhaps… Harry is a… *flips through Sporker’s Reference Tome, looking for the proper animal* …Exotic Goldfish.
Nergal the Insane: Excellent. How long to we need to keep him out of water?
Roy: *crazed giggle* You think he lives off water? No, little Harry-Mary needs a far more specific fluid than that… one which Sev supplies in great quantities…
*silence, then terrible, sudden comprehension*
*Roy is bound and gagged for the sanity of us all*
He'd dreamed the ley lines a couple of times
Nergal the Insane: Shared psychosis?
so we were going to research them
Nergal the Sane: That’s nice. They do not exist.
once we returned to Hogwarts.
I didn't want to go back but we had to.
Nergal the Sane: Yes, you have to, and the canon Harry would not whine this much. He would have a tremendous fit of self-pity, be hideously annoying, and then not whine for a few more chapters - instead of whining every other paragraph.
Sometimes I'd hold Sev so tight I left bruises but he did the same so I know we felt the same way. We cuddled together each night and told each other secrets.
Nergal the Insane: …And the Stuthor could not be arsed to think of such secrets, because then she would realize that Snape was not the woobie she pretended he was, and that would tear apart her whole little story. *smirks*
Nergal the Sane: Don’t encourage the rabid Snapefen - if they ever catch on, they’ll start writing Celebrian-like fics, with Snape playing the role of every orc. And, with a bit of fursuiting, every Warg.
He had a lot more than I did but I kept each one close to my heart.
Nergal the Insane: -for blackmailing purposes.
He'd be safe with me just like I was safe with him. We'd have to be really circumspect at school and I already hated it.
I wanted to tell everyone how much I loved him but no one would believe me.
Ninis: Especially… the sporkers.
Finally our last day at home arrived and I walked through every room committing every part to my memory. I had a suitcase full of clothes we'd spelled to boy's clothes instead of girl's. I was really going to miss my skirts and silk panties. *DIES* I cannot say anything else. Just… *DIES* Sev said he'd spell them to cotton boxers instead when we got to Hogwarts. But I already missed them. Today, I dressed in the very first outfit he'd given me the day he rescued me.
Ninis: You mean… the one… he made you wear… when… you were traumatized… and your only… living family… had just… died… because of his… “secret fantasy kink”? *GROWLS* Must not attack… yet… must not attack… yet…
He was painting in his studio while I wandered through the house saying goodbye to things. But I had a surprise for him that the wards had helped me set up. I'd stroked lots of lubricant inside of me before carefully dressing in my plaid skirt, lace knee highs and a ruffley blouse. My patent leather shoes were all polished.
Guardian’s Song: A) Does lube really work that way?
B) He’s dressed like the perfect Japanese Schoolgirl OutfitTM. Outside of the context of the fic, that would be cute… and tolerable if he was male, I suppose. :P Just so long as he got it off by the time he was actually having sex… the creepy part, however, is that he’s about to have sex with a man who is his authority figure - and, indeed, has refused to return him to his friends and surrogate family. In other words, he’s trapped. So, he’s dressed up in fetish wear by a creepy man who has repeatedly stated that he will do whatever it takes to keep him with him, and is screwed several times a day by said man. Does anyone see a large “ABUSE OF AUTHORITY” sign flashing overhead?
They would stay here and maybe when we came back, they'd still fit me. I'd grown an inch taller over the summer and Sev kept feeding me as if to fatten me up.
Nergal the Insane: The vore fetish continues, now shading into outright cannibalism.
Making love used up a lot of energy
Nergal the Insane: (Harry) So I had to kill more canon so that I could take its quintessence.
though so I stayed skinny or slender as Sev always corrected me. Don’t you just love Snape’s pro-ana attitude? (For those not in the know, that means PRO-ANOREXIA.) I walked into the studio and watched him finishing up a portrait of the Mayor of York. He'd commissioned it over the spring and Sev had finally gotten around to having him sit twice for him. I'd stayed like a mouse in the corner and listened to them talk about politics and cooking.
Mayor Richer was kind of fat and looked like he really enjoyed eating. But he liked the cooking part a lot and it was fascinating to listen to them exchange recipes while Sev first sketched him then began painting. He was finishing it when I came in and I stood behind him, sliding my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder.
Guardian’s Song: I left that unsnipped so that you could contemplate the following fact - Hermione and Blaise get less development than this. And Ginny doesn’t even show up. Think about that - next time I run into a chunk of garbage like this, I’m snipping.
"It looks just like him." I said in satisfaction. "I like the fact he's holding a cookbook. It makes him more a real person."
{snip Snape offering to build a garden}
I hugged him hard. "Yes, I'd like that, Sev. We could have Mrs. Tyler over to show her our herbaceous borders."
Ninis: Why is… the text… suddenly… glowing purple?
Nergal the Sane: I swear that sounds like a euphemism. What do you call a tree-furry?
He chuckled and turned around to pull me into his lap. "Sweetheart, we can indeed. How sweet you look, Princess."
"Thank you, Sev. I have a surprise for you below." I practically vibrated on his lap
Roy: Harry Sex Doll! Now with Crossdressing and Vibrating Action! *is bound and gagged again*
and he raised an eyebrow before letting me lead him to the hidden trap door.
Nergal the Sane: (Harry) -and I shoved him through, ran out of the house, and made my way to the Weasleys. Hooray for canon restoration! *sighs*
The wards had shown me how to combine all four elements when we made love so we could bond even closer than we were now.
Nergal the Insane: What is this - My Inner Life?! …Please don’t tell me they’re about to drink each other’s urine.
Roy: *flaps hand* *in a severe lisp* (Snape) That’th for girlth. Real men produce far more mathculine liquidth because they are OMG THPETHUL and girlth OMG THUCK. *normal voice* Gods, I hate this fic. I have a sister, you know.
Richard: On the good side, I’m glad that I’m not the only one who hates you with a burning passion now.
Roy: What do you mean?
*other sporkers realize what he meant by “masculine liquids”*
Roy: *is tackled, bound, and gagged*
Once we approached the altar, the walls began to glow fiery red and went BOOM. The end. :D and the water in the spring started to bubble. A soft breeze brushed our cheeks and the stone floors vibrated through our bones.
Guardian’s Song: I left that in because it would be good - outside of this fic. *sighs* And outside of a MYSTYK SECKS CEREMONY. D:
I hugged Severus close. "Lay me on the altar, Sev. I got myself ready for you upstairs and I want you inside of me in every way possible. The wards showed me how we can bind ourselves together even closer if you want to."
Nergal the Insane: (Harry) First, we recite stupid-sounding vows… then, we put on idiotic jewelry… then, we drink each other’s urine…
He picked me up and sat me down, crowding close between my legs. "I love you, Harry. I want every square inch of you both in body and in mind. If there's a way to be closer that won't hurt you, then I want to."
Nergal the Sane: (Snape) And even if it does hurt you…
I smiled at him and linked my hands around his neck so I could kiss him softly. "It won't hurt me or you, just make us be able to feel and hear and see what the other is doing. We'll be able to mentally talk so even if we have to be apart for long periods of time, we will know the other is all right. I'm going to miss you so much."
Nergal the Sane: You’re right. This is My Inner Life-style bonding.
Ninis: *is considering hibernation so that she can avoid reading this fic for a while*
His eyes gleamed and he folded his hands in front of his face. “All is going according to the scenario.” stroked up my back. "I can think of nothing better, sweetheart. We just need to make sure we can keep some things private. There will be times when I'll be counseling my Slytherins when I need to keep their secrets."
Nergal the Insane: Are all the Slytherins pathetic little emos who need to have girl-to-girl talks about their troubles in life, such as Mommy and Daddy not buying them quality Muggle-hunting wands?!
Nergal the Sane: *glum chuckle* You don’t read much fanfiction, do you?
I nodded solemnly. "I know, Severus. I know you want to save as many of them as you can and I want to help you. But if you “get in trouble”, I know this woman in a back alley who’ll be willing to “help” you… or, failing her, a coat hanger. want to know it."
He sighed but nodded. "I understand, Harry. I know I must be sure you are safe at all times and I will respect your need for the same."
Nergal the Sane Why do I just think this is an excuse to always keep an eye on his little love-slave to ensure he doesn’t escape?
Smiling, I kissed him again. "Together we'll be stronger, Severus. Voldemort doesn't stand a chance if we face him bonded on all levels."
Nergal the Insane: (Voldemort) Pah. Even in canon, Potter, you weren’t able to beat me without the author interceding on your behalf with the most ridiculous logic I’ve ever heard - and I was in Slytherin, the House of stupidly complicated cunning plans. In any semi-logical fanfiction, I should be able to beat you with ease. *normal voice* Not that this fanfiction is semi-logical. Pah. *puts on icepack*
"Sweet kitten, I love you." He gathered me even closer to him and my nipples began to ache for his touch. "You make me believe in a future where we can live and love."
Carding my hands through his hair As in… carding wool?, I wished that, too. "Our babies are waiting for us to win so we can bring them to life.
AI-YI-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! …Seriously, what the fuck. *moans, and not in a good way* I forever apologize to any childfree communities for ever thinking they exaggerated “breeder” mentality, I forever apologize to them, sorry, sorry… *wails*
We can do anything we set our hearts to do."
Guardian’s Song: *sniggers* Way to show Harry is a widdle kid, Stuthor. Most people learn that that’s B.S. before they hit eighteen.
"Such a wise kitten MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWR! …I - uh, oh, yes - mean, KALMM! :D Do you have to *groans* do that during *moans* sex?! Well, I suppose I - ah! - could, but - Bark like a dog, Kuro-woof-woof! :D *sourly* I’m glad to see someone’s enjoying themselves., my sweet Harry." His hands brushed through my hair. "We shall win through and when you're ready to bear our children, I will help."
He'd never said it so plainly before
Nergal the Sane: --though we had heard various iterations of it more times than I can count on one hand-
but it seemed I finally made him realize how serious the Stuthor was about the canon-rape I am. He threw *MOANS* me out the - ah! - window, then jumped out the - oh - window himself, and we died - yes, Yuui, YES! - peacefully. Err, aside from the fleeting pain of - yesyesyes - impact. …Niles... *human form* Shall we also… Surely non-slash couples will still be allowed to have life-affirming sex? *is hopeful* *waves them by* Sure, sure. You’ll need it. My hands slipped down his chest to start unbuttoning his pants. I needed him right now while the elements around us were merging into our bodies.
Roy: *clutches at hair* That sounds like a Power Rangers transformation sequence. “Go Go PPC Rangers… Go Go PPC Rangers… Super Sporkin’ PPC Rangers, Go Super Sporkin’ PPC Rangers!”
He chuckled at my impatience but obediently slipped his hands beneath me to find I'd neglected to put on any underwear.
Guardian’s Song: I’m uncertain as to why people find this sexy. I’d be horrified if I was flashed by a woman who had neglected to put on underwear, and just gape at any man who flashed himself. …It frightens me more than turns me on. D:
His fingers cupped my arse and two fingers slid in through my loosened entrance.
Roy: Do you think that qualifies as similar to “sunken ass” in Celebrian?
Nergal the Insane: *puts on another icepack* It will soon qualify him for Goatse-man status. *adds to pile of icepacks*
I'd dialed the plug up to its highest setting I will intercede on Drake’s behalf and say again - Cannot dial if no mechanical parts, dimwit. and worn it all morning so I'd be ready for him. My fingers delved
Roy: I remember once seeing a complaint that badfic writers often wrote “delved deep into the dark arts”, then never used “delved” again, so it was just a cliché instead of an actual part of their vocabulary. I think I preferred things that way.
inside his boxers and pulled out his swiftly hardening cockLE-DOODLE-DOO - ow! I’m - I’m sorry, Yuui - but could you please not yell that at delicate moments?. He didn't scare me anymore because I knew I could take all of him and he'd bring me nothing but pleasure.
Nergal the Insane: *stares in disgust* Considering that Snape was described as being large enough to poke through Harry’s stomach and had girth to match, Harry must look like the Goatse Man by now. *scowls* *puts on another icepack*
He laid me back on the altar and raised my legs to his shoulders before going back to loosening my hole.
Roy: I thought it already was “loosened”? *laughs bitterly* Consistency in badfic - what was I thinking?
Leaning down, he kissed me hard while I vibrated under him.
Nergal the Insane: *scowls* I am beginning to loathe “vibrated” as much as I loathe “wiggled”. Do not provoke my wrath, author.
The need to connect was growing and even he felt the urge because I soon felt his broad crown begin to stretch me wider and wider. I have this hideous premonition of exploding!Doomcock. D: No, it won’t happen, but STILL! It felt like he'd grown but I just sucked harder on his tongue until he'd breached me and begun to surge inside.
Ninis: Oh, Niles - why does - ah! - this sound like - oh - a - yes - modern human nature documentary?
Roy: (Title generously provided by Meyshi’s newest fic)
The wild Doomcock is a force of nature, bringing orgasm to all it touches. Most women and gay men polled in badfic say that there is no more beautiful sight than one twitching, leaping, and, upon rare occasions, spinning. But what do we really know about them? What do they eat? How do they breed in the wild? How do these velvet-sheathed steel that proclaim Stus male interact within their packs?
Find out, in… Wild Wang, premiering tonight on the Fanfiction Channel.
Heat and light exploded around us. Did that ****ing bomb FINALLY work now?! If not, I’m marching off to that Space-Time Witch woman and demanding a refund! I could both feel and hear his heartbeat. I drank in his taste and saw it like an aura of rose *dramatically* I heard someone invoke my glorious name! Coincidence, little Morph. Now, go away. You dare insult me?! …At least you didn’t call me a lesbian. So, I shall merely tattoo your arm instead of your forehead! Hmph. You have delusions of far more power than you have, puppet. pink. The vibration
Roy: *singing* I’m pickin’ up good-vi-bra-tions/ she’s givin’ me good-ci-ta-tions/ I’m pickin’ up good-vi-bra-tions/ givin’ me ex-cit-ta-taions/ Ooh/ Good vi-bra-tions/ ooh/ ooh/ good vi-bra-tions…
became a bell
Nergal the Insane: -which became a walrus, I’m sure -
and the heat began to burn deep inside of me. *snarls* Why do I have to take matters into my own hands all the time! And are these Stus flame-proof?! Opening my eyes, I stared into his while the world expanded around us. PROTIP: If your readers are not liquefying into fangirly puddles by the time you start having the sex be a literally mind-expanding experience, you’ll simply be laughed at. And even if they are, the mind-expanding orgasm will allow their minds to congeal enough so that they can type a coherent response. (“Coherent” meaning “AJFKHSHSGD - *mops for use in cleaning up fangirly puddle will be provided by the management*”. “Coherent” basically means “Remembers how to use keyboard”. XD) His hips snapped into mine over and over
Roy: The mental clickedy-clack noises are not very sexy.
while he pounded me into the stone.
I felt nothing but joy and a rising expectation that this was going to be the best climax of my life. At this point, I’m becoming fairly confident that I could write better porn than this… and my sex scenes would consist of disjointed sentences, not much rational progression of thought, obvious difficulty on the part of the author stretching the sex scene beyond the basic summary, and obvious nervousness and embarrassment about writing porn on the part of said author. And even after listing all that, I’m sure my porn would be better. *groans* Severus was panting in time with me and for a brief moment, I realized that one day we'd be sharing the same kind of panting with me in labor. Smiling, I arched into a particularly hard thrust and felt my cock burst into my petticoats.
Guardian’s Song: He… he orgasmed at the thought of labor. *painful grimace* I do not know what this author’s fetish is about pregnancy, nor why the author’s psyche formed that way, but I do not want to find out. And I don’t quite regard this as a personal attack on the author, because at this point, it’s really like wondering if Laurell K. Hamilton is writing down her personal fantasies. D:
Liquid heat began to flood me at the same moment and the Stu’s insides broiled. Then, he caught on fire, as did “Sev”, and the whole Druidic House burned down. The End. and I wished with all my heart to be one with my Severus.
//Harry//
I was looking straight at him and his mouth didn't move.
//Sweetheart, I can feel you inside my head//
Nergal the Insane: Is the author under the delusion that My Inner Life was a good piece of fanfiction?
{snip crappy soppy dialogue}
=Break until Ninis and Nergal the Sane return after life-affirming sex=
Ninis: You waited for us? …I suppose the next part must truly be an abomination. *dragon form*
Guardian’s Song: The badsex is over, rejoice, rejoice! For over five pages on a maximized Mozilla Firefox window, Times New Roman 12 pt., no bold no italics, I see NO SEX! :D
Nergal the Sane: There must be some sort of catch… Wait, if there’s no sex, what do those pages consist of?
Guardian’s Song: The good news is that your brains won’t melt. The bad news is that they’ll simply dribble out your ears from boredom.
Nergal the Insane: *sits back with a tome of forbidden knowledge* *chokes* How did I obtain a book on the thought processes of the author of Celebrian?! *grabs another* …Pah. Author of Agony in Pink. *tosses it aside* *scowls*
Roy: *grins* Now, let me see if I can read ANY slash after this. *grabs huge piles of pornish doushinji*
Ninis: …*looks at him*
Roy: *frowns* Do dragon religions object to slash?
Ninis: …No… apparently… this fic… induces memory loss…
Roy: …I suppose you might have said something about slash being good… aeons ago. Or was it only several months ago?
Ninis: …I was… wondering… if you would… be polite enough… to offer me a few.
Roy: *GRINS* Ah, a fellow fan! Let me see… who do you like? Oh, yes, I remember the Draco Sinister spork… *hands over a few Harry/Ron doushinjis*
Nergal the Sane: Do not feed the Ron fangirling instincts!
Ninis: *carefully flicks through a few, using a claw as a page-turner* Ah… Ron is… OOC… in this one…
Roy: O_o …And apparently full-blooded dragons have off-kilter priorities when it comes to their porn.
//Beloved, we will always be together// He kissed me softly and lifted me into his arms and off the altar. //I think when we investigate the ley lines, we'll find an answer to the Voldemort problem//
Ninis: The foreshadowing… is… terrible…
Nergal the Sane: The author makes it sound like the title of a bad pop-psychology book. “The Voldemort Problem: How Neglect and Hereditary Insanity Cause Brilliant and Powerful Orphans To Go Bad, and What Headmasters Can Do To Help”.
//Good, remember as soon as he's gone, we're going to work on getting me pregnant//
He chuckled and slipped from me. "Angel-eyes EYEBALLS! …What? The eye sockets bleed blue blood and *glances up* three giant biomechanical robots are approaching. *has terrible suspicion “Angel” does not mean the same thing in all dimensions*, we will work day and night until we can fulfill our dreams.
Nergal the Sane: And, for the sporkers, our nightmares.
{mini-snip Snape saying something irrelevant}.”
I smiled and hugged him tighter. "I wonder what the Headmaster will say when he sees us?"
Guardian’s Song: Hey, guys! Take a break. I have ANOTHER team to call in on this… you see, I decided that I could have a team specifically for Dumbledore-in-badfic. :D So, relax! Pack your bags! Take a vacation with the kids! The badsex is (mostly) over - at least, it won’t be in every paragraph until the second half of Chapter 3 and all of Chapter 4 - and you guys will… *scribbles down outline of a schedule* Come back after the next POV change, then disappear for the POV change after that, and come back as regulars starting the POV change after that. I think. :DDDDD We’re through the Summer of Badsex, peoples! Rejoice!
We’re honestly through the “badsex every paragraph” section? We’ll be allowed to relax for a while longer?
Yep! Take a break, you’ve earned it.
*passes out from relief*
And I have a world to conquer. *teleports away*
*snort* Remember to return when you’re being Luce’d and Aureola’d to death by the party.
Roy: Well, hurrah, I can return to interacting with Elbe and annoying Richard! And get some psychiatric medication! :D *leaves*
Richard: …Are you certain he can’t stay any longer?
Elbe: Roy! *happy smile* *hands him a comma* We need to find good homes for all these traumatized commas! *whispers* Some of them had to be removed from their foster homes due to overcrowding and the… content of the work.
I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT AND, WETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, FUCK ME WHILE, I’M TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT -
Elbe: As I was saying - ah! Poor little commas! We’ll find you a better home, really -
Roy: …I need those medications now.
And, folks, that’s… where’s Ninis?
*now that it has been sporked, is shredding all the previous parts of the badfic that contained Snape being an exploitative bastard or badsex that broke the mind* *…there is not much at all left…*
Ahhhhhhh. Good Ninis.
*looks at Guardian’s Song, a demented glint in her eyes*
…Meep?
END SPORK SECTION