(no subject)
*checks watch* The new sporkers should be here any moment now…
Hello, Muggles! All your base are belong to us! *maniacal laugh*
…Ahem. In more erudite terms, we are taking over your “sporking organization” For The Greater Good.
Er-HEM, boys. I am the spork captain, you are the minions, and you’re just here for a quick visit anyway. Besides, you’re not even that much up to date on HP canon… you’re about a hundred years outdated.
So, we rule the world now? *grins*
…As I said, about a hundred years outdated.
*scowls* We died? But we at least took over the world and led wizards and witches out of hiding, yes?
…Uh, just spork. I don’t want to make you miserable by telling you the truth…
Were we brought down by a great foe?
That of Authorially-Induced-Break-ups-and-Angst, yes. The mightiest force in the world. …You’ll be pleased to know, however, Albus, that your prize pupil became just as adept at Cruciating people because they enraged him as your boyfriend is.
WHAT?! I know of no uses of the Cruciatus Curse!
…What? I told you -
*claps hands over ears* Are you going to Scaaaaaaaaaarbourough Fair/ Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyme/ Remem-ber me to one who lives ther-re/ She - I mean, he - once was/ A true love of miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine…
…The pretentious version of “La la la, I’m not listening”? Hm… I suppose it’s a skill in all great leaders who lead by ideals. *shrugs*
BEGIN SPORK
DISCLAIMER: Ariana, Albus, Gellert, and Aberforth belong to JKR, as does Harry Potter. Fic belongs to Athea. Elbe belongs to me.
********* Dumbledore *********
Gellert Grindelwald: Ah, Albus! It’s you! Now, let’s see how you behave in this “fanfiction” tome.
Albus Dumbledore: I detect powerful Dark Magic coming from this object.
Gellert: …You do? Where - AGH! *quickly wipes hands off* …I hope that milky-white cursed fluid was simply corrupted Pensieve memories, not what I think it was.
Albus: What you - oh. Well, surely you’ve seen enough of the latter to tell the difference?
Gellert: Heh heh heh, yes I have - and ah hah ha… that’s the problem, you see… “I hope” is the important phrase… *twitches*
I'd lived a long life; had my share of surprises, both good and bad;
Gellert: *bored* This does sound like you when you’re puffing yourself up. It sounds wonderful, but conveys nothing.
Albus: Whereas you -
Gellert: *scowls* Yes, the plan to seize power in countries by blackmailing the highest government officials through an elaborate series of pranks was not my best idea, but allow me some folly. That is why you make the plans.
fought when I had to
Gellert: I thought your future policy on duels was that you would subtly spread propaganda that you were a wizard unequaled in battle, and so you would never be challenged except by fools that you could defeat?
Albus: Ah, sometimes things do not go according to plan… such is life. *twinkle*
Gellert: …Ah, about your “In Case All is Lost” plan. Suppose, in said scenario, we are defeated before we turn thirty or so. How do you intend to be a twenty-nine-year-old Wise Old Mentor? And supposing we were defeated… do you really think your countrymen would be stupid enough to place the freshly-defeated Dark Lord into the position of Minister of Magic?
Albus: With proper propaganda and emphasis on your initiative, bravery, daring, caring for those victims of Muggles, and vision for the future, your previous career as a Dark Lord could be made into an asset. In fact, it would show your talent for leadership, though, of course, you would have to admit that you had learned from your failure, and thus were even more qualified to lead Wizarding England -
Gellert: *shudders* Whenever I have the slightest doubt that our lessers must be lead for their own good, you can persuade me simply by showing me how easily they can be led - think of the horrible consequences if someone less qualified than we led them!
Albus: Precisely.
Gellert: *glares* However, you cannot lead me. I am still convinced that the best course of action in taking several countries in the Durmstrang-taught regions is to attack suddenly and decisively - they would expect a well-planned, elaborate attack such as you suggest.
Albus: *rolls eyes and sighs* Yes, Gellert. Ah, my apologies, that is not how a Wise Old Mentor would have handled that statement. *serenely sighs* Of course, my boy.
Gellert: Take it as a mark of my affection for you that I did not hit you when you did that.
Albus: *cuddles* Ah, the power of love, which -
Gellert: *in a tone of warning* Albus…
Albus: Err, yes, as you were saying. *nods*
but then became the wizard who sent others out to fight.
Gellert: Again, I thought your future policy involved proxy fighters who were slavishly loyal to you?
Albus: Apparently, my plans needed adjustment.
But nothing could have prepared me for what I saw from my window when the front gate charm let me know that Severus and Harry had arrived. Fawlkes
Albus: …That, however, is just a misspelling.
trilled a question from my shoulder when he saw them.
They glowed with good health but their auras were woven into one.
Gellert: Auras? Aren’t those the exclusive province of charlatans?
Albus: Well, Ariana mentions…
*they look at each other*
Gellert: Charlatans and the mad, then. Who knows - within madness may lie clarity! However, we pitiful sane beings do not see auras. Hmph.
Harry sported Slytherin green entwined with Gryffindor crimson
Albus: *frowns* That only happens at Christmastime. The rest of the time, the lion must battle against the serpent, and -
Gellert: *loud yawn* …And the serpent shall retaliate by boring the lion to death with lofty metaphors.
while Severus' aura did the same.
*in harmony* Deck the halls with balls of holly, tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…
My potions master had never looked so good.
‘Tis the sea-son to be jol-ly, tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…
The healthy halo about his whole body told me the lingering trauma of his poor decision two decades before had been cured. But Harry's did, too.
Gellert: How old is this “Harry” boy? Somehow, I was under the impression that…
*basic stats for Harry in this fic are provided*
Gellert: *reads* He’s fifteen - so, he’s finally recovered from his poor decision five years before he was born? That’s rather impressive.
Albus: Perhaps the author needs a better editor.
It had never occurred to me that the gray and black patches
Albus: Well, he had the other Slytherin color as well, but what’s Hufflepuff doing in there? Is this a - how to phrase this - mélange a trois with a Hufflepuff on the side?
Guardian’s Song: I should have dragged you boys in earlier. The spork quality may have gone down and I’m literally drowning it (due to boredom and severely enjoying writing young-Dumbledore and young-Grindelwald), but I’m having lots of fun. |D
had been so omnipresent
Gellert: Are you colorblind, Albus?
Albus: No, and I have no knowledge of any hexes that induce it -
Gellert: Really?! Excellent! I must invent one! Think of the elaborate schemes that could be set up using simple color-coding which could be used without fear of decoding before the eyes of those who were so hexed! Brilliant! *cackles*
Albus: …
I'd ceased to find them troubling but just accepted them.
Gellert: …Bah. I wish the author had included me. I would start whacking you over the head by this point.
Albus: *rubs head in Gellert’s chest*
Gellert: You’re welcome.
The contrast could not be more painfully obvious. I'd missed something huge in the young boy's life
Gellert: *through his teeth* Fif-teen. That is not young, as I informed an arrogant upperclassman at Durmstrang when I had just had my fifteenth birthday.
Albus: What happened then?
Gellert: Oh, he was not seriously injured - he returned the next term with various potions to keep him functional and a supervisor to ensure he did not hurt anyone. *shrugs* It may seem extreme to you, but that is simply due to the softness of any school that turns a blind eye to any magic that might frighten little children.
Albus: *rationalizing* *mentally* Cultural differences… yes… all cultural differences… One must simply remember that different cultures have different moral standards, and so he is simply doing what was deemed acceptable at Durmstrang. He is no worse morally than the average student at Hogwarts, save for a different set of rules… and after all, rules are arbitrary and decided by those in power… he’s not a bad person at all…
and suddenly remembered Minerva's reservations about the muggles with whom we'd left him.
*dead silence*
Gellert: *collapses on the floor laughing* How foolish does this author think you are? After Ar- well, you know better than to trust Muggles with Wizarding children! This utter bilge is -
Albus: *leafing through Harry Potter background material* …Actually, it appears that I actually did leave this boy - who was foretold to be the only one who could defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort, and indeed survived the Killing Curse -
Gellert: *bursts out in a fresh fit of laughter* Voldemort! I would not wish that name upon my worst enemy! What is it - French?
Albus: *ignores* I left him with his Muggle relatives, who proceeded to bully him, call him a “freak”, and lock him in a cupboard for… ten… straight… years…
Gellert: …And he makes dear Ariana seem serene and fearless.
Albus: …*stares* And… he is… perfectly functional and charming. *HEADTOME* This “Rowling” woman who wrote about our futures seems to not be the sharpest when it comes to realizing that it’s near-impossible that certain things are as she described them. Perhaps I should go investigate the real story.
Guardian’s Song: …Oh, crap, they’re going meta, and Albus is sounding like a professional rabid member of the Snapefen. D: Uhhhhh, guys, that is the real story.
Albus: I find that rather difficult to believe.
Gellert: *flipping through the material and laughing* I cannot believe this! She would have us believe that Albus would be foolish enough to let an untrained imbecile whose only exceptional skill is in Quidditch, of all things, attempt to defeat a Dark Lord with over half a century of experience! What does he do? Fly around the Dark Lord? Whack Bludgers at him? *wipes eyes and snickers* Actually, judging from the typical improbability of events she describes, he defeats the Dark Lord through a series of bizarre coincidences, finished by a convoluted explanation of all the previous events that uses positively ridiculous logic! *roars with laughter*
Guardian’s Song: … *looks away uneasily*
What in the world had gone on this summer? Remembering the horrific news about the slaughter of the Dursleys, I stroked my beard and continued to watch the unlikely pair cross the vast lawn.
Gellert: Like an ocean of foliage, I’m sure.
Albus: *shudders* Do not remind me about the accident during the Herbology NEWTs. Some poor fools had collaborated to produce a plant-growth enhancer to use - illegally, of course - during the NEWTs so that they wouldn’t have to actually be able to tend the plants very well, and sold some illicitly to others… but they neglected to tell their customers how much to use, and through some ill fortune, all who had it used it within the same ten minutes, and most dumped their entire supplies on the plants… I earned another trophy for assisting other students in escaping from the Devil’s Snare that had acquired immunity to fire through abrupt mutation due to mixing of plant-growth enhancer and other potions brought in for the purpose of cheating, and also for my aid in defeating the vicious plant - did I tell you about that one?
Gellert: Quite impressive. Remind me again why they didn’t appoint you Headmaster upon graduation? It seems you did more for Hogwarts than your Headmaster did.
Albus: *waves hand* But of course, one must not underestimate the value of subtle service and careful planning and -
Gellert: *yawns* At Durmstrang, we simply would have left the cheaters to die from their own stupidity - it discourages incompetence.
Albus: ...Different cultures, different cultures…
I'd known Harry survived
Gellert: How? And if you twinkle at me, Albus, I will smack you.
but not how or with whom and the entire Order had searched high and low for him. There'd been faint indications he was in the northern counties but after a week that had disappeared as if cut with a knife.
Gellert: So, he died.
Albus: *looks down* Apparently not, although that would be the most rational explanation.
Until Severus called through a fire from a safe house and flatly refused to let any of us see him.
Gellert: I - what’s the term - bloody well hope your next line is “It sent chills up and down my spine”.
'He's safe and happy
Albus: *lips compress into a thin line* How funny, that’s what everyone told me about my mother after she had her little accident with Ariana. Followed by, of course, “in heaven”.
and he shall remain that way until the beginning of school.' I'd agreed since even then I'd seen the profound changes in his aura.
Albus: *eyes roll back in head*
Gellert: *facepalm*
{mini-snip}
Testing the wards, I had another shock. They didn't show up on any of them.
Yet they'd entered Hogwarts. The wards had welcomed them with a melodious chime. But now it was as if they had vanished.
Gellert: Old fool, that means they’re skirting the edges, they’ve found a way to cloak their presences in the wards, or they’ve found a hole. Whichever way it is, those are not the actiosn of a friendly party, and you should prepare for battle.
Shaken, I called for Dobby to bring us up some tea.
Gellert: …Not for a tea party!
Albus: Oh, you’d be surprised what seemingly innocuous items can be used as weapons. For instance, if you spit a dissolved Lemon Drop into somebody’s eyes -
Gellert: You actually have a practical reason for sucking those things?
Albus: Oh, that’s only for emergencies. If I expect hostility, I bring Acid Pops. And no, before you think of it, you should not make any crude remarks about sucking.
Gellert: *angelic smile* I wasn’t about to. But it seems I’ve successfully corrupted you.
Even if they didn't, I knew I'd need the comfort. It appeared some very old decisions were coming home to roost.
Albus: Oh, dear. You mean the day that I decided to wear nothing beneath my robes?
Gellert: You usually wear something beneath your robes? Ah, you were a model student, weren’t you?
"And how very glad I am, I told no one about their arrival time. COMMA! Comma - ah, have we met before? Hmm… I don’t think so. Would you like to support the Comma Orphanage? *smiles* Ah, my pleasure. Do whatever you wish, so long as you remember that he’s already taken. Gellert! *turns red* I already have a boyfriend! Your point? GELLERT!" I told Fawlkes with a sigh. Once we got through this first awkward interview, I'd make sure
Albus: -That they were firmly on my side.
that Sirius and Remus were told Harry was home.
The door opened and Harry stepped in, casting a lightening fast glance about the whole room.
Albus: (Older-Self) Thank you for lighting the room, my boy - so quickly, too! Lemon Drop?
His shoulders relaxed and he kept coming, followed closely by my potions master. "Headmaster Dumbledore. COMMA! *ships the abandoned comma to the proper location*" Was all he said.
Albus: Headmaster? I aspired to more!
Gellert: I haven’t even been mentioned yet!
Guardian’s Song: …That’s sort of because you spent the latter half of your life in a tower.
Gellert: …*long silence*… I suppose that as long as I don’t grow my hair out tremendously long, let it out the window, have a young knight come by and climb up, and become pregnant by him, I shall retain some dignity.
Guardian’s Song: Stop it, you’re scaring one of my other sporkers.
I don’t want to carry Stu babies in my intestinal tract! D8
"Harry, I'm so glad you're all right." I kept it simple, stupid.
"Thank you," he nodded once before sitting down gracefully *dramatically, fluidly swoops down into a chair* …What a show-off. Chairs are made to be flopped into. There is such a thing as doing things with dignity. Hmph. Yes, Albus. *rolls eyes* in the armONEWORDchair nearest the fire.
"Severus, thank you for the news of Harry's survival." I welcomed him quietly.
"You're welcome, Albus. We've spent a most profitable summer in training."
Gellert: A sentiment I can applaud.
Albus: *stares down at background file and raises eyebrows* By “training”, they mean “sexual intercourse”.
Gellert: *leers* As Ariana is witness, also a sentiment I can applaud.
Albus: *turns red* Gellert! Not in public!
Gellert: That can be remedied. *points wand at sporking screen* Confringo!
=A few seconds later=
Albus: Ah - Gellert - Gellert, you forgot an Imperturbable Charm! Allow me to perform one…
*has taken redfont from previous owner* Oh look! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Alby and Gelly are doing it again! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Gellert: …Ariana, we love you dearly, but could you not do the earsplitting sque-
*all sound cuts off*
=Much later, once screen and sound are restored=
*giggles* Gelly is such a bitch, and-
Gellert: Ariana, if you want to be taught ANY MORE of those words, you will NOT use them in public!
*face crumples* Gelly, don’t be mean - *seethes*
Albus: *hisses* Gellert, don’t -
Gellert: There, there, Ariana, run along now and you’ll get to see lots of the boysex later if you’re a good girl. All right?
…You had better not be lying…
Gellert: Lots of boysex! Lots and lots! Enough boysex to make any girl happy! *waves arms*
…*walks away, glancing suspiciously over her shoulder*
Gellert: *smirks* And the goat-boy says I don’t know how to calm her down.
Albus: He’s my brother.
Gellert: So?
Albus: …Point.
I HEARD that.
Gellert: *sticks out tongue*
…Bastards.
He took the other chair and relaxed into it, something he'd never before done in my memory.
Albus: That is called OOCness.
{Dobby comes in with tea and food}
"You're always famished, Harry."
Gellert: Perhaps being starved in a cupboard for ten years of his life had something to do with that?
Severus' amused tones had my head whipping back to him in astonishment. "But it does indeed look appetizing, Dobby. Thank you."
I don't think the poor elf's eyes could have gotten any bigger. "Y-y-y-you're welcome, P-p-professor."
Guardian’s Song: Oh, enough. Dobby is not that submissive. “Dobby is a free elf!” He’s not Quirrel, the elf has guts. He’s even somewhat dignified in his own way post-freedom. He’d probably regard Snape with polite suspicion.
{mini-snip}
The house elf popped back out, still sputtering while I watched Harry pour out the steaming tea and serve first me then Severus. Then he offered the tiered stand filled with cakes and sandwiches to us before settling back in his chair.
Guardian’s Song: Ai-yi-yi. This is a private meeting between three people, not a Christmastime office party.
I sipped my tea and regained a slight measure of composure. "I am going to assume you were in a non-wizarding community for the summer since there were literally 'no'
Albus: Why are there random quotation marks?
sightings reported to the Order."
Gellert: *flips through DH* Considering that the Order seemed to be mostly running around protecting Muggles instead of staging a counter-coup and protecting MuggleBORNS, perhaps this should be attributed to simple incompetence?
"Correct, Albus, we were safely tucked away and we stayed there. And no, we shall not reveal where it was." He said firmly.
Albus: *sweetly* Of course not! Perfectly sensible! *rifles through Harry’s mind* I do know where it was, though. Of course, I cannot reveal my sources. *eyes twinkle*
Gellert: You’re sexy when you’re secretly being a manipulative bastard.
Albus: Oh - oh? Really? You think so? *blushes*
Gellert: …And a tad embarrassing when you’re acting more like a teenage girl than Ariana.
*wanders back through* But Gelly bottoms most of the time! *happy, vacant grin*
Gellert: *grits teeth and facepalms, shaking head* Yes, Ariana. Bye-bye now. This is a dangerous, unpleasant task, and we wouldn’t want a nice, powerful girl like you getting hurt. I’m sure the goats miss you.
Goats! *runs off*
Gellert: …*shakes head* When she’s in one of her strange moods, Albus, I swear you can get a great deal of intelligence out of her, but never when she’s happy…
Albus: Perhaps, it’s better to -
Gellert: But pushing her into being able to handle those moods is For Her Own Good, do you understand? As you would say. If she’s pacified all the time, she’ll be no more than a simpleton of a Muggle. If unlocking her potential requires some unhappiness… So be it.
"Harry, I can see you are healthier than you've ever been." I started tentatively and was rewarded with a smiling nod.
Albus: *glances in the direction of where Ariana ran off to*
Gellert: *glances at him* *nods* …Ja.
Where in the world did this calm come from?
Albus: *quietly* I am no stranger to the vacant calm of simpletons.
"I can also see you and Severus have bonded . . . intimately."
His shy blush was expected but the adoring look at my potions master was not.
Gellert: Oh, please just tell me Snape’s recruited Harry as a fanatical follower. Otherwise… Urgh. Even Durmstrang students look down upon taking advantage of those too stupid to avoid being manipulated. And besides, smashing your way through things is more amusing than manipulation.
Albus: Ethically, I agree with you; however, on your second point, manipulation is far less messy and allows minimal causalities.
Gellert: *rolls eyes* For the Greater Good, ‘tis far better to take your nastier tendencies out on your enemies and being a kind ruler than to bottle them up and unconsciously be a cruel ruler. Regardless of what the masses think. *crosses arms*
The most shocking aspect however was the returned look and smile. Severus' gaze was fond and (dared I think it) possessive. Somehow they seemed to fit together. Even sitting two feet apart, their auras were entwined.
*violent gagging from both*
Gellert: This is not a relationship of equals! It is a Verndammit bastard/halfwit relationship, and should not be any more than platonic exploitation! To have it be anything more is violating the sanctity of equal relationships!
Albus: You’re so handsome when you’re being righteous…
Gellert: *smugly* Thank you. *points wand at screen*
OH SQUEEEEEEEEEE MORE BOYSE- *screen shatters and sound cuts out*
=Later=
Of course, sometimes Alby’s the bitch. *content grin*
Albus: *voice muffled by pillow* Yes, Ariana. Go play with Aberforth.
Do you really think you can keep her satisfied through letting her watch your little escapades?! What happens if -
Gellert: You apparently never interacted with adolescent females. *smug*
"We have bonded in every sense of the word, Albus." Severus said calmly. "I know it was wrong of me but I do not care. I will protect him with my last breath and I will allow nothing and no one to interfere in our lives."
Gellert: *absolute disgust* No wizard or witch should be subjugated as if he or she was an animal. It is revolting.
I blinked at that amazing statement.
Albus: If I was not so self-controlled, I would be vomiting. Instead, I am hoping ingestion of Bettie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans will disguise my gagging as a reaction to one of the beans. *takes one* BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! …I have no great desire to find out what THAT one was.
"I love Severus and I am fully aware that many will question this relationship." Harry spoke just as firmly. "They'll say he took advantage of me; that I'm too young to know what I'm doing; that he's a pervert preying on a young boy; that I can do better."
Gellert: Mein Gott, they admit it! And AMEN!
Albus: I believe a forcible intervention For His Own Good is in order.
His hand reached out and Severus' was there to meet it. "But I did know what I was doing; I love everything we do together; I've never been allowed to be young but Severus gave me the best summer of my life. I actually got to play and be silly and experience new foods and places. That was the very best gift I've *ever* gotten."
Albus: Well, that does sound nice… how so?
Gellert: Allow me to summarize. By fucking him senseless for a few weeks straight.
Albus: …*is struck speechless*