(no subject)
Woo-hoo! And the second part of my current LMM spork section... which will be all for a while, because I have the 3rd chapter of Haunted to get done (since Mervin's finished Chapter 4), I signed up for Chapter 14 of The-Fic-That-Must-Not-Be-Named-Due-to-Heidipatrol, and I have three midterms coming up next week. Heh heh... (D
I blinked again and gulped my tea. This was most unexpected. "I see. There are rules about teacher/student relationships. Harry, you will not be considered an adult until you are 16, one year from now. And if word of this got out, there would be an uproar the likes of which none of us have ever seen."
Albus: (Older-Self) And, naturally, even if I lacked basic morals, I would still know enough to keep myself and the Savior of the Wizarding World out of such a scandal. Stupefy! Stupefy! *points wand at unconscious Harry* Obliviate!
(Harry) H-Headmaster? What -
(Older-Self) I’m terribly sorry, Harry - you were just recovered from Death Eater torture by the Order - I’m afraid the trauma induced amnesia regarding your entire summer. My dearest apologies, Harry.
(Harry) And Professor Snape?
(Older-Self) As it turns out, he defected back to their side. He’s here so that I can examine his memories.
(Harry) *nods, leaves* I always KNEW he was rotten…
…Better that than the truth, at least. *sadly stares out the window*
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "I know that, Headmaster. And it would put Severus' life in danger from both sides. My godfather would try to kill him and Voldemort would want to punish him for being a traitor. Neither of those things will happen. We will keep this a secret until we can let everyone know that we've chosen each other."
Gellert: *absentmindedly fondles wand* I feel like applying a Cruciatus to both these characters - Snape, for being a bastard, and Harry, for being a fool. Both of them, of course, are insufferable.
Albus: *deliberately assumes Gellert means it hypothetically* An excellent idea, Gellert. *plays with Gellert’s hair*
"I see," and truthfully, I did. Harry was throwing down the gauntlet early. I accepted it or not. I had no illusions that either one of the men in front of me would let outsiders interfere in their bond.
Gellert: Let? Where are your balls in this fic, Albus? *gropes* Well, they seem to be where they should be…
Albus: GELLERT! *flushes*
"Very well, this will be a secret between the three of us.
Gellert: *continues to grope* Ah, well. Perhaps it’s something that comes with old age. In the meantime, these bits are functional.
Albus: *is currently redder than his hair*
On a perhaps related note - when you entered Hogwarts the wards lost track of you. Do you know why that is?"
Gellert: *rolls eyes* One hardly evades wards by accident.
Albus: *moans*
Harry's gamin grin
Gellert: What? Whatever it is, it’s probably plagiarizing me. *scowls and clenches fists*
Albus: FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!
Gellert: …Oops. Uh, sorry?
Albus: *grabs him by the cravat and pulls him close* If… you… EVER… do that… again… you will always bottom… due to a PHYSICAL INABILITY to top… Do you understand me?
Gellert: *cringes* No need to be so emphatic, Albus, really…
broke out and his eyebrow did a perfect Severus' imitation.
Gellert: Greasy and hook-nosed? That poor eyebrow.
"Sev?"
"The wards welcomed us when we entered and allowed us to link to them." Severus said quietly.
He could not possibly know how earthshaking that statement was.
Albus: Namely, that if I did not have self-control, my older self would have laughed him out of the office. Wards are not sentient! They do not betray their masters!
"Linked with Hogwarts' wards? How is that possible?"
Gellert: It’s not unless they took them over. And that takes far longer than a second and is rather noticeable. *snorts*
Severus detailed the wards that protected his home in the muggle community, being careful to make no mention of where it was.
Albus: Logical deduction is a beautiful thing. If it has a certain pattern of wards, and he tells me a great number of details about it, and it’s in a Muggle community, it will be rather easy to find.
I listened, fascinated by the revolutionary concepts he was barely sketching.
Albus: I am claiming someone is inventing “revolutionary concepts”? Unlikely.
Gellert: Really? *presses self against Albus*
Albus: Please, that area is still sore. *runs fingers through Gellert’s hair*
And suddenly I realized what this could mean.
BOYSEX!
Gellert: …Sadly, this is a context that boysex is bad in.
Bad boysex? How can such a thing exist?! *bawls* *BOOM* …I will kill it…
Gellert: Calm down, Ariana… see, your brother is being the bitch again! *grins*
Albus: Gellert! I -
Gellert: And that is why you are being the bottom again. You’re not in fit condition to take me like a bitch… *whistles* *points wand at screen*
=All sound and visual cuts out=
=Later=
Albus: …Ow… *panting*
WHIMPER like a bitch, ALBY! *happiness*
Albus: …
Gellert: …Well, she remembers what she hears well! *grins*
Albus: What have you done to my poor, innocent little sister?
Gellert: Made her a happier, far more articulate girl. The effect of boysex on girls is stunning.
Stunning, all right. *aims wand*
Abby, don’t interfere with the boysex! *big, innocent eyes*
…*gives Albus and Gellert a dirty glare as he leads Ariana away* There, there, I’ll take you to the goats, who aren’t planning to take over the world and be mean to everyone…
Gellert: *sticks out tongue*
"If you link to all the wards surrounding magical Britain,
Albus: What wards? Yes, there are wards set up in some areas by long-dead wizards and witches, and thus lacking masters. But they do not cover all of Britain, and they certainly cannot be controlled that easily. And why have I not already taken over said wards?
Gellert: *toying with Albus’s hair* I blame that JKR woman. She seems not to understand what is important in the rise of a Dark Lord - in all likelihood, you did, but she forgot to mention it.
Albus: What could she ever have put in instead? *lifts OOTP, HBP, and DH*
Gellert: *flips OOTP open to a random page* It seems Harry is not quite as sane as she would like us to believe. He’s screaming… but he’s not damaging anything. Perhaps he’s nearly a Squib. *puts it down, flips HBP open to a random page* O_o That poor boy. His crazed magic relocated his… his… to his CHEST! *gagging, puts HBP down and flips DH open to a random page* …And here, he’s - *stops and stares at Albus* You cheated on me! With a halfwitted near-Squib!
Albus: Excuse me?
Gellert: Look at this! He’s wondering if you ever loved him! And here, he’s saying bitterly that you never loved him, and here, he’s longing for your “piercing blue eyes” - he’s obviously a jilted boyfriend! Who did you cheat on him with?
Albus: I have no idea what I’ll do in the future! I’m sorry!
Gellert: …Now, what did I do? *flips around* *After a while* …I think I’m this platitude-preaching, death-accepting old man in the tower. GAH!
I suppose that might be me…
you'll know exactly where Voldemort and the Death Easters are."
Albus: And they have no way to hide themselves? I prefer that Rowling woman. She avoided this by… *looks through source materials* …Never going into any detail so she couldn’t be tripped up. *sighs and shakes head* That, too, is an acceptable strategy, I suppose.
"And if we can convince them to withdraw their protection,
Gellert: Who? What? Where? This is less understandable than your brother.
I said, I think you’re a bloody idiot for thinking you can take over the world, drive the Muggles into submission, and neglect Ariana!
Gellert: *taps on ear* You see what I mean? Not a word makes a whit of sense!
*mumbling* Goat dung… lower than goat dung…
Abby?
I care about you. *hugs and glares at Albus and Gellert*
Albus: You must understand, For the Greater Good -
*throws well-aimed piece of goat dung*
Albus: *barely dodges*
we can destroy Voldemort and his movement forever." Harry's eyes were fierce but no fiercer than my pPotions mMaster's. "Then I'll have done my duty to the wizarding world and can take back my life."
Gellert: You have not done your proper duty until the Muggles are in their rightful place!
Albus: *examines DH* …Actually, his final ambition seems to be a sandwich. …Why did I raise this… slightly simple boy to be the Savior of the Wizarding World again?
Severus agreed. "We must have your word on this, Albus. Once we've destroyed the Dark,
Gellert: You cannot “destroy the Dark”! Even a FIRST-YEAR at Durmstrang knows better! You see?! This is the result of Muggle-influenced culture! Next, they’ll impose their twisted morality on us, and only those who are as idiotic as the masses are will be able to use Unforgivables, while anyone with an ounce of intelligence shall be mocked and shown to be inferior to the slavering animals that clothe themselves in human skin! Do you see, Albus? We must act now! The fanfiction only proves my point! The hypocrisy is terrible!
no one makes decisions for us but ourselves."
Albus: *twinkles* Certainly. And I shall tell you everything.
Gellert: Your ability to lie with a straight face is impressive.
Albus: Thank you. *cuddles*
{snip fic!Albus being an utter wimp and giving in to all demands}
Our strategy session lasted two hours but at the end, I'd agreed to all their requests, I hesitate to call them demands.
Gellert: *glances down* Are you sure you still have -
Albus: And they’re swollen, thank you. *grits teeth at a spike of pain*
Again and again I marveled at the maturity and commitment they both evidenced.
*both fall over laughing* *in tandem* WHAT maturity?!
Harry had grown up
Albus: Ah, I do not believe that is the word you seek.
and Severus had lightened
Gellert: Is that an English euphemism for “turned into a monster”?
beyond all recognition.
*both concur on that point*
Their only request for themselves was a change in their living quarters. Harry was adamant that he could not go for long periods of time without having alone time with Severus.
Gellert: Put it bluntly! He can’t go a day without Snape’s cock stuffed in his arse!
Albus: *chokes on tea* Gellert!
Gellert: It’s only the truth.
Albus: *dreamily* And I love you for it. *kisses him*
And Severus was equally adamant that he would give Harry detentions every week if there wasn't some way for them to reconnect. I wasn't sure I wanted to know exactly what the sizzling look from Harry to him entailed when the word 'detention' was spoken.
Albus: I know perfectly well what it means. It means that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, model student, is attempting to guide the known troublemaker Gellert Grindelwald back onto the path of goodness. *conjures and cracks whip of flame* Sadly, words alone will not do to persuade him. It is rather fortunate that the janitor has tools to assist imprisonment and discipline of the wayward -
Gellert: O_O - But in a surprise twist, the troublemaker pins the model student down and makes him his bitch!
Albus: You don’t normally object to bottoming.
Gellert: I don’t want you to get any ideas about you being the dominant one.
Albus: *innocently* But you look so beautiful when you’re whimpering and begging for me to go harder and faster.
Gellert: Regardless of what I do in bed, I am the one who provides the ideology and so forth!
Albus: It’s a relationship of equals, Gellert.
Gellert: I’m simply reminding you of that! And you’re being an idiot! *grabs him*
=Image and sound cuts out again=
Guardian’s Song: …Wow. I shouldn’t have had two hormonal teenagers spork. O_o …I count four times so far. I suppose it’s plausible if they rested during the snip…
=Later, image and sound return=
Albus: I hurt… usually, I don’t bottom so much…
Gellert: Do I complain?
Albus: *in a girlish voice* O-oh Albus, you’re so hard and - oh, PLEASE, keep going, fuck me like a BITCH, oh, please - OW! OW! Mein Gott in Himmel, that *whimpers and tears up* - oh, oh yes, please, Albus -
Gellert: I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT!
Albus: *smirks* Perhaps not entirely that manly…
Gellert: *seethes* I see that I have corrupted you. May I add that your crimson hair falls like a waterfall around you, and despite that goatee your face is delicately-boned, you have amazingly long eyelashes, and your skin is like silk?
Albus: You are being inaccurate, but I shall forgive you your exaggerations. *pulls out copy of TRC* And you seem to be a second cousin or so of Fai D. Flourite.
Gellert: Must you resort to cheap tactics so soon? You look like Ashura with a hair color changed.
Albus: My pride, my pride, verily my manhood, it is wounded. *swoons*
Gellert: And while we’re making the Fai comparisons, who has the SPESHUL blue eyes?
Albus: Now you are resorting to cheap tactics. I was merely complimenting your looks and taste in clothing.
Gellert: Well, it is cold in Durmstrang! Fur coats are part of the school uniform!
I wished I could be a little mouse in a corner the first time Harry reported for punishment.
Albus: Why would I ever wish that? I need not watch others. *leers*
Gellert: You have learned well, my young apprentice…
I wasn't all that old that I'd forgotten the passions of my youth.
Guardian’s Song: No, boys, you should not do it again in so short a time. You might damage something.
They agreed Minerva had to be told of the changes but no other. Their cover story was that Harry had been in a healing facility recovering from horrific wounds caused by the Death Eaters in the attack on the Dursleys. I'd kept it a secret because of the danger. But because of the wounds, Harry would need to be in a ground floor room.
Albus: This sound familiar. Except that for our family, the excuse was “poor health” and fear of illness.
The East Tower had been unused for many decades and Severus suggested that Harry's godfather be hired as the Defense against the Dark Arts instructor.
Gellert: Nepotism at its finest. What are his qualifications?
Albus: *flips through background material* …Being falsely accused of invalidating a Fidelius Charm… being an Animagus… Being imprisoned in Azkaban for fifteen years… Um… Transfiguration sounds best. With a platoon of Aurors accompanying him so that any *ahem* instability on his part does not harm the servants - I mean students.
Harry and I both blinked at that request. But then the sweetest smile crossed the boy's face. "Thank you, Gelly Sev. I do love you. MORE BOYSEX!!!111!"
*ominous presence*
Gellert: Eh… heh heh heh heh…
And Severus actually blushed. My face had a severe time not reacting to that unlikely sight.
Albus: …*picks up box of wine-filled chocolates* I wonder if one can become intoxicated from ingesting enough of these…
"Yes, well actually I have hired him as the instructor with Remus as the new History of Magic instructor.
Albus: …What a stunning coincidence. Shouldn’t his godfather be DEAD? Did the author mistake the Veil between life and death for a mere sheet?
Gellert: And, apparently, he was also pardoned in death. I have no idea what’s going on here. Ah, wait, isn’t Remus Lupin a werewolf? And as of… *flips through background materials* Third Year, they were aware of this?
Albus: …Well, in theory, all that would be necessary is for class to be canceled every full moon and the Professor placed under guard by Aurors armed with silver. However, in practice, the average wizard is little better than a hateful and fearful Muggle boy towards things he cannot control.
Gellert: Well, Durmstrang permits the occasional sentient Dark Creature to act as a Professor for a year - it’s rather annoying, though, as the other Professors have to ensure no students are injured. Of course, the younger students don’t realize this, so it’s an excellent method of frightening the young into having a healthy respect for the Dark…
Professor Binns moved on to the next level this summer.
Albus: Is it so difficult to say “he passed on”?
Gellert: But then the fic would be comprehensible!
The three of you in that tower should keep all of you safe."
"And there will be a way for Sev to come visit me or me to go visit him?" Harry asked with a flirty look in the potions master's direction.
Gellert: Is it so difficult to say “I want constant sex”?
Albus: …Yes.
Gellert: You Englishmen are so strange.
Severus' expression was casual but potent when he returned the look. "I believe the tunnel between my quarters and the tower's third bedroom is still intact. And the wards could be persuaded to mask any such movement to or from."
Gellert: *slams head into desk* *snarls something in German*
Albus: And I am allowing this abuse of power and privilege? I - I - wait, any such movement? That would allow Death Eaters or students sympathetic to the Death Eaters to enter Snape’s quarters and break into the quarters of the Boy-Who-Lived. What is wrong with my future self as portrayed in this fic?
Harry bounced and he made a movement I could only describe as feline. *passes out flyers for Kittens Against Little Miss Mary* "I think I'd like to see them first hand."
"Well, there's no time like the present." Ringing the bell that summoned a house elf, I watched Dobby pop back in. "Dobby, we're going to need cleaners and painters in the East Tower to prepare rooms for Harry and two instructors."
Albus: My future self is slipping. I would have already prepared rooms for the instructors if I already knew the school had two job openings. Therefore, I must have decided on the spot to give into the absurd demands of Snape and Potter. I certainly hope I’m just stalling for time until I can contact loyal teachers, explain the situation, and ambush Snape so that he can be stopped and Potter brought out from under his influence.
Gellert: Ah, but that would be sensible. *bonks head lightly on desk* …Personally, since you’re over a hundred years old at this point, you should be able to just defeat them on your own. One simple assault while they sit around, smugly thinking they have you under their thumb.
Albus: My plan is certain to work, though - “overkill” is the vulgar term.
Gellert: Assuming they don’t attack you first.
The house elf eeked
Gellert: *stares* *facepalm* Did the author mean “squeaked”? Or did she fail to learn some of the most basic English words?
happily and nodded vigorously.
Roy: And I want to die peacefully. *passes out from Adverbial Abuse*
"Dobby is getting Winky and Blinky and Pinky
Gellert: It would explain rather a lot about the author’s writing if the only work having to deal with the Wizarding World that she has read happened to be The Tales of Beedle the Bard, wouldn’t it?
Albus: *stares* House-Elf names have more variation than that! Even “Dobby” does not fit that pattern! What is the author thinking of?
to help make everything beautiful for Harry Potter."
Albus: *humming* I feel pretty… oh so pretty… and witty… and -
Gellert: *looks at Albus strangely* …
Albus: …It seemed appropriate…
Harry stood and stretched. "Thank you, Dobby. We're going over there now but I already know the third bedroom on the ground floor is mine."
Gellert: (dramatic voice) That bedroom is mine! (normal voice) Ridiculous. He could ask you anything on the way out, and yet he only comments on the bedroom?
Albus: Well, he chose to close the tale of his exciting youth, at the end of which he could have had any epiphany, revealed anything he had learned along the way, thought of the glorious future before him, or thought how happy he was that he was just a normal man now, by wondering if his House-Elf would bring him a sandwich in his bedroom.
Gellert: …You have a point. *facepalm*
Dobby nodded excitedly and popped out. Severus stood as well and shook out his robes. "Lead the way, Albus. The sooner we're settled in, the sooner you can let the Order know Harry is back."
Gellert: And they shall reach out to touch him, and he shall jerk back and say “Do not touch me, I have just risen”. *rolls eyes* And then they shall ask him to Transfigure some loaves and fishes.
Albus: I could do that.
Gellert: If you have any dignity whatsoever, you shall not pass yourself off as the second coming of the Muggles’ God.
Albus: Of course not! …You would make a better divinity. *dreamy eyes*
Gellert: *smiles* *shrugs* I could never manage to say “If a man slaps you on one cheek, show him the other” with a straight face, as such behavior is liable to get you slapped on the other, and then your foe would start using knuckles and wands.
I nodded and stood. "How very glad I am you are both safe and sound.
Albus: Harry is neither safe nor sound, and Snape is not sound, and not safe, either, if I have any say in the matter.
And congratulations on your bonding. May you have many years of joy and love."
Albus: I must be stalling for time. I must.
Harry blushed but took Severus' hand. "Thank you, Headmaster. We will."
Severus merely nodded but did not let go of his bonded's hand. What an interesting year we were going to have.
Albus: They do say a Chinese curse is “May you live in interesting times”.
Gellert: What a quaint little expression. But I hardly think the entire year will be interesting - an hour to capture Snape, a week if the planning is overly cautious, and perhaps a few months of scandal if the full sordid story comes to light.
Albus: *looks ahead* The year is actually rather uninteresting. Everyone approves of the relationship, and that’s really the only development of importance.
Gellert: What of Voldemort?
Albus: Ah, his Death Eaters injure Snape at one point, but the school Healer heals him within ten paragraphs - the only lasting damage is that he loses his spleen, but that doesn’t seem to affect the plot.
Gellert: How is it possible to make serious injury boring? …*shakes head* How much more of this is there?
*OMINOUS CHORDS*
Gellert: More specifically, can Fiendfyre be used to destroy this thing? Only one way to find out…
Albus: Gellert! Don’t!
=Later=
Gellert: *running* I swear, I just need to figure out the last syllable!
Albus: *panting* This, I hope, is an excellent lesson as to why you should not use experimental charms in uncontrolled situations!
I hate both of you. Just so long as it doesn’t come this way, we’ll be fine…
Abby, I’m scared. *twitches*
Everything will be all right, Ariana. Everything will be all right. *hugs to chest* For us, at least…
Gellert: It shouldn’t vary too far from the original Fiendfyre-canceling chant! Why isn’t it working?!
Albus: Wandwork and incantations -
Gellert: “Wandwork and incantations” are for - *dodges stray stream of flame* - um, actually, Albus, you may have a point. HELP!
Albus: Ah, but I am still trying to figure out -
Gellert: Oh, forget that! Is the fic gone yet?!
Albus: *stops running for a moment and looks over his shoulder, adjusting his spectacles* …No. *resumes running*
Gellert: [German profanity deleted]
END SPORK… for now. *dodges flames*
I blinked again and gulped my tea. This was most unexpected. "I see. There are rules about teacher/student relationships. Harry, you will not be considered an adult until you are 16, one year from now. And if word of this got out, there would be an uproar the likes of which none of us have ever seen."
Albus: (Older-Self) And, naturally, even if I lacked basic morals, I would still know enough to keep myself and the Savior of the Wizarding World out of such a scandal. Stupefy! Stupefy! *points wand at unconscious Harry* Obliviate!
(Harry) H-Headmaster? What -
(Older-Self) I’m terribly sorry, Harry - you were just recovered from Death Eater torture by the Order - I’m afraid the trauma induced amnesia regarding your entire summer. My dearest apologies, Harry.
(Harry) And Professor Snape?
(Older-Self) As it turns out, he defected back to their side. He’s here so that I can examine his memories.
(Harry) *nods, leaves* I always KNEW he was rotten…
…Better that than the truth, at least. *sadly stares out the window*
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "I know that, Headmaster. And it would put Severus' life in danger from both sides. My godfather would try to kill him and Voldemort would want to punish him for being a traitor. Neither of those things will happen. We will keep this a secret until we can let everyone know that we've chosen each other."
Gellert: *absentmindedly fondles wand* I feel like applying a Cruciatus to both these characters - Snape, for being a bastard, and Harry, for being a fool. Both of them, of course, are insufferable.
Albus: *deliberately assumes Gellert means it hypothetically* An excellent idea, Gellert. *plays with Gellert’s hair*
"I see," and truthfully, I did. Harry was throwing down the gauntlet early. I accepted it or not. I had no illusions that either one of the men in front of me would let outsiders interfere in their bond.
Gellert: Let? Where are your balls in this fic, Albus? *gropes* Well, they seem to be where they should be…
Albus: GELLERT! *flushes*
"Very well, this will be a secret between the three of us.
Gellert: *continues to grope* Ah, well. Perhaps it’s something that comes with old age. In the meantime, these bits are functional.
Albus: *is currently redder than his hair*
On a perhaps related note - when you entered Hogwarts the wards lost track of you. Do you know why that is?"
Gellert: *rolls eyes* One hardly evades wards by accident.
Albus: *moans*
Harry's gamin grin
Gellert: What? Whatever it is, it’s probably plagiarizing me. *scowls and clenches fists*
Albus: FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!
Gellert: …Oops. Uh, sorry?
Albus: *grabs him by the cravat and pulls him close* If… you… EVER… do that… again… you will always bottom… due to a PHYSICAL INABILITY to top… Do you understand me?
Gellert: *cringes* No need to be so emphatic, Albus, really…
broke out and his eyebrow did a perfect Severus' imitation.
Gellert: Greasy and hook-nosed? That poor eyebrow.
"Sev?"
"The wards welcomed us when we entered and allowed us to link to them." Severus said quietly.
He could not possibly know how earthshaking that statement was.
Albus: Namely, that if I did not have self-control, my older self would have laughed him out of the office. Wards are not sentient! They do not betray their masters!
"Linked with Hogwarts' wards? How is that possible?"
Gellert: It’s not unless they took them over. And that takes far longer than a second and is rather noticeable. *snorts*
Severus detailed the wards that protected his home in the muggle community, being careful to make no mention of where it was.
Albus: Logical deduction is a beautiful thing. If it has a certain pattern of wards, and he tells me a great number of details about it, and it’s in a Muggle community, it will be rather easy to find.
I listened, fascinated by the revolutionary concepts he was barely sketching.
Albus: I am claiming someone is inventing “revolutionary concepts”? Unlikely.
Gellert: Really? *presses self against Albus*
Albus: Please, that area is still sore. *runs fingers through Gellert’s hair*
And suddenly I realized what this could mean.
BOYSEX!
Gellert: …Sadly, this is a context that boysex is bad in.
Bad boysex? How can such a thing exist?! *bawls* *BOOM* …I will kill it…
Gellert: Calm down, Ariana… see, your brother is being the bitch again! *grins*
Albus: Gellert! I -
Gellert: And that is why you are being the bottom again. You’re not in fit condition to take me like a bitch… *whistles* *points wand at screen*
=All sound and visual cuts out=
=Later=
Albus: …Ow… *panting*
WHIMPER like a bitch, ALBY! *happiness*
Albus: …
Gellert: …Well, she remembers what she hears well! *grins*
Albus: What have you done to my poor, innocent little sister?
Gellert: Made her a happier, far more articulate girl. The effect of boysex on girls is stunning.
Stunning, all right. *aims wand*
Abby, don’t interfere with the boysex! *big, innocent eyes*
…*gives Albus and Gellert a dirty glare as he leads Ariana away* There, there, I’ll take you to the goats, who aren’t planning to take over the world and be mean to everyone…
Gellert: *sticks out tongue*
"If you link to all the wards surrounding magical Britain,
Albus: What wards? Yes, there are wards set up in some areas by long-dead wizards and witches, and thus lacking masters. But they do not cover all of Britain, and they certainly cannot be controlled that easily. And why have I not already taken over said wards?
Gellert: *toying with Albus’s hair* I blame that JKR woman. She seems not to understand what is important in the rise of a Dark Lord - in all likelihood, you did, but she forgot to mention it.
Albus: What could she ever have put in instead? *lifts OOTP, HBP, and DH*
Gellert: *flips OOTP open to a random page* It seems Harry is not quite as sane as she would like us to believe. He’s screaming… but he’s not damaging anything. Perhaps he’s nearly a Squib. *puts it down, flips HBP open to a random page* O_o That poor boy. His crazed magic relocated his… his… to his CHEST! *gagging, puts HBP down and flips DH open to a random page* …And here, he’s - *stops and stares at Albus* You cheated on me! With a halfwitted near-Squib!
Albus: Excuse me?
Gellert: Look at this! He’s wondering if you ever loved him! And here, he’s saying bitterly that you never loved him, and here, he’s longing for your “piercing blue eyes” - he’s obviously a jilted boyfriend! Who did you cheat on him with?
Albus: I have no idea what I’ll do in the future! I’m sorry!
Gellert: …Now, what did I do? *flips around* *After a while* …I think I’m this platitude-preaching, death-accepting old man in the tower. GAH!
I suppose that might be me…
you'll know exactly where Voldemort and the Death Easters are."
Albus: And they have no way to hide themselves? I prefer that Rowling woman. She avoided this by… *looks through source materials* …Never going into any detail so she couldn’t be tripped up. *sighs and shakes head* That, too, is an acceptable strategy, I suppose.
"And if we can convince them to withdraw their protection,
Gellert: Who? What? Where? This is less understandable than your brother.
I said, I think you’re a bloody idiot for thinking you can take over the world, drive the Muggles into submission, and neglect Ariana!
Gellert: *taps on ear* You see what I mean? Not a word makes a whit of sense!
*mumbling* Goat dung… lower than goat dung…
Abby?
I care about you. *hugs and glares at Albus and Gellert*
Albus: You must understand, For the Greater Good -
*throws well-aimed piece of goat dung*
Albus: *barely dodges*
we can destroy Voldemort and his movement forever." Harry's eyes were fierce but no fiercer than my pPotions mMaster's. "Then I'll have done my duty to the wizarding world and can take back my life."
Gellert: You have not done your proper duty until the Muggles are in their rightful place!
Albus: *examines DH* …Actually, his final ambition seems to be a sandwich. …Why did I raise this… slightly simple boy to be the Savior of the Wizarding World again?
Severus agreed. "We must have your word on this, Albus. Once we've destroyed the Dark,
Gellert: You cannot “destroy the Dark”! Even a FIRST-YEAR at Durmstrang knows better! You see?! This is the result of Muggle-influenced culture! Next, they’ll impose their twisted morality on us, and only those who are as idiotic as the masses are will be able to use Unforgivables, while anyone with an ounce of intelligence shall be mocked and shown to be inferior to the slavering animals that clothe themselves in human skin! Do you see, Albus? We must act now! The fanfiction only proves my point! The hypocrisy is terrible!
no one makes decisions for us but ourselves."
Albus: *twinkles* Certainly. And I shall tell you everything.
Gellert: Your ability to lie with a straight face is impressive.
Albus: Thank you. *cuddles*
{snip fic!Albus being an utter wimp and giving in to all demands}
Our strategy session lasted two hours but at the end, I'd agreed to all their requests, I hesitate to call them demands.
Gellert: *glances down* Are you sure you still have -
Albus: And they’re swollen, thank you. *grits teeth at a spike of pain*
Again and again I marveled at the maturity and commitment they both evidenced.
*both fall over laughing* *in tandem* WHAT maturity?!
Harry had grown up
Albus: Ah, I do not believe that is the word you seek.
and Severus had lightened
Gellert: Is that an English euphemism for “turned into a monster”?
beyond all recognition.
*both concur on that point*
Their only request for themselves was a change in their living quarters. Harry was adamant that he could not go for long periods of time without having alone time with Severus.
Gellert: Put it bluntly! He can’t go a day without Snape’s cock stuffed in his arse!
Albus: *chokes on tea* Gellert!
Gellert: It’s only the truth.
Albus: *dreamily* And I love you for it. *kisses him*
And Severus was equally adamant that he would give Harry detentions every week if there wasn't some way for them to reconnect. I wasn't sure I wanted to know exactly what the sizzling look from Harry to him entailed when the word 'detention' was spoken.
Albus: I know perfectly well what it means. It means that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, model student, is attempting to guide the known troublemaker Gellert Grindelwald back onto the path of goodness. *conjures and cracks whip of flame* Sadly, words alone will not do to persuade him. It is rather fortunate that the janitor has tools to assist imprisonment and discipline of the wayward -
Gellert: O_O - But in a surprise twist, the troublemaker pins the model student down and makes him his bitch!
Albus: You don’t normally object to bottoming.
Gellert: I don’t want you to get any ideas about you being the dominant one.
Albus: *innocently* But you look so beautiful when you’re whimpering and begging for me to go harder and faster.
Gellert: Regardless of what I do in bed, I am the one who provides the ideology and so forth!
Albus: It’s a relationship of equals, Gellert.
Gellert: I’m simply reminding you of that! And you’re being an idiot! *grabs him*
=Image and sound cuts out again=
Guardian’s Song: …Wow. I shouldn’t have had two hormonal teenagers spork. O_o …I count four times so far. I suppose it’s plausible if they rested during the snip…
=Later, image and sound return=
Albus: I hurt… usually, I don’t bottom so much…
Gellert: Do I complain?
Albus: *in a girlish voice* O-oh Albus, you’re so hard and - oh, PLEASE, keep going, fuck me like a BITCH, oh, please - OW! OW! Mein Gott in Himmel, that *whimpers and tears up* - oh, oh yes, please, Albus -
Gellert: I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT!
Albus: *smirks* Perhaps not entirely that manly…
Gellert: *seethes* I see that I have corrupted you. May I add that your crimson hair falls like a waterfall around you, and despite that goatee your face is delicately-boned, you have amazingly long eyelashes, and your skin is like silk?
Albus: You are being inaccurate, but I shall forgive you your exaggerations. *pulls out copy of TRC* And you seem to be a second cousin or so of Fai D. Flourite.
Gellert: Must you resort to cheap tactics so soon? You look like Ashura with a hair color changed.
Albus: My pride, my pride, verily my manhood, it is wounded. *swoons*
Gellert: And while we’re making the Fai comparisons, who has the SPESHUL blue eyes?
Albus: Now you are resorting to cheap tactics. I was merely complimenting your looks and taste in clothing.
Gellert: Well, it is cold in Durmstrang! Fur coats are part of the school uniform!
I wished I could be a little mouse in a corner the first time Harry reported for punishment.
Albus: Why would I ever wish that? I need not watch others. *leers*
Gellert: You have learned well, my young apprentice…
I wasn't all that old that I'd forgotten the passions of my youth.
Guardian’s Song: No, boys, you should not do it again in so short a time. You might damage something.
They agreed Minerva had to be told of the changes but no other. Their cover story was that Harry had been in a healing facility recovering from horrific wounds caused by the Death Eaters in the attack on the Dursleys. I'd kept it a secret because of the danger. But because of the wounds, Harry would need to be in a ground floor room.
Albus: This sound familiar. Except that for our family, the excuse was “poor health” and fear of illness.
The East Tower had been unused for many decades and Severus suggested that Harry's godfather be hired as the Defense against the Dark Arts instructor.
Gellert: Nepotism at its finest. What are his qualifications?
Albus: *flips through background material* …Being falsely accused of invalidating a Fidelius Charm… being an Animagus… Being imprisoned in Azkaban for fifteen years… Um… Transfiguration sounds best. With a platoon of Aurors accompanying him so that any *ahem* instability on his part does not harm the servants - I mean students.
Harry and I both blinked at that request. But then the sweetest smile crossed the boy's face. "Thank you, Gelly Sev. I do love you. MORE BOYSEX!!!111!"
*ominous presence*
Gellert: Eh… heh heh heh heh…
And Severus actually blushed. My face had a severe time not reacting to that unlikely sight.
Albus: …*picks up box of wine-filled chocolates* I wonder if one can become intoxicated from ingesting enough of these…
"Yes, well actually I have hired him as the instructor with Remus as the new History of Magic instructor.
Albus: …What a stunning coincidence. Shouldn’t his godfather be DEAD? Did the author mistake the Veil between life and death for a mere sheet?
Gellert: And, apparently, he was also pardoned in death. I have no idea what’s going on here. Ah, wait, isn’t Remus Lupin a werewolf? And as of… *flips through background materials* Third Year, they were aware of this?
Albus: …Well, in theory, all that would be necessary is for class to be canceled every full moon and the Professor placed under guard by Aurors armed with silver. However, in practice, the average wizard is little better than a hateful and fearful Muggle boy towards things he cannot control.
Gellert: Well, Durmstrang permits the occasional sentient Dark Creature to act as a Professor for a year - it’s rather annoying, though, as the other Professors have to ensure no students are injured. Of course, the younger students don’t realize this, so it’s an excellent method of frightening the young into having a healthy respect for the Dark…
Professor Binns moved on to the next level this summer.
Albus: Is it so difficult to say “he passed on”?
Gellert: But then the fic would be comprehensible!
The three of you in that tower should keep all of you safe."
"And there will be a way for Sev to come visit me or me to go visit him?" Harry asked with a flirty look in the potions master's direction.
Gellert: Is it so difficult to say “I want constant sex”?
Albus: …Yes.
Gellert: You Englishmen are so strange.
Severus' expression was casual but potent when he returned the look. "I believe the tunnel between my quarters and the tower's third bedroom is still intact. And the wards could be persuaded to mask any such movement to or from."
Gellert: *slams head into desk* *snarls something in German*
Albus: And I am allowing this abuse of power and privilege? I - I - wait, any such movement? That would allow Death Eaters or students sympathetic to the Death Eaters to enter Snape’s quarters and break into the quarters of the Boy-Who-Lived. What is wrong with my future self as portrayed in this fic?
Harry bounced and he made a movement I could only describe as feline. *passes out flyers for Kittens Against Little Miss Mary* "I think I'd like to see them first hand."
"Well, there's no time like the present." Ringing the bell that summoned a house elf, I watched Dobby pop back in. "Dobby, we're going to need cleaners and painters in the East Tower to prepare rooms for Harry and two instructors."
Albus: My future self is slipping. I would have already prepared rooms for the instructors if I already knew the school had two job openings. Therefore, I must have decided on the spot to give into the absurd demands of Snape and Potter. I certainly hope I’m just stalling for time until I can contact loyal teachers, explain the situation, and ambush Snape so that he can be stopped and Potter brought out from under his influence.
Gellert: Ah, but that would be sensible. *bonks head lightly on desk* …Personally, since you’re over a hundred years old at this point, you should be able to just defeat them on your own. One simple assault while they sit around, smugly thinking they have you under their thumb.
Albus: My plan is certain to work, though - “overkill” is the vulgar term.
Gellert: Assuming they don’t attack you first.
The house elf eeked
Gellert: *stares* *facepalm* Did the author mean “squeaked”? Or did she fail to learn some of the most basic English words?
happily and nodded vigorously.
Roy: And I want to die peacefully. *passes out from Adverbial Abuse*
"Dobby is getting Winky and Blinky and Pinky
Gellert: It would explain rather a lot about the author’s writing if the only work having to deal with the Wizarding World that she has read happened to be The Tales of Beedle the Bard, wouldn’t it?
Albus: *stares* House-Elf names have more variation than that! Even “Dobby” does not fit that pattern! What is the author thinking of?
to help make everything beautiful for Harry Potter."
Albus: *humming* I feel pretty… oh so pretty… and witty… and -
Gellert: *looks at Albus strangely* …
Albus: …It seemed appropriate…
Harry stood and stretched. "Thank you, Dobby. We're going over there now but I already know the third bedroom on the ground floor is mine."
Gellert: (dramatic voice) That bedroom is mine! (normal voice) Ridiculous. He could ask you anything on the way out, and yet he only comments on the bedroom?
Albus: Well, he chose to close the tale of his exciting youth, at the end of which he could have had any epiphany, revealed anything he had learned along the way, thought of the glorious future before him, or thought how happy he was that he was just a normal man now, by wondering if his House-Elf would bring him a sandwich in his bedroom.
Gellert: …You have a point. *facepalm*
Dobby nodded excitedly and popped out. Severus stood as well and shook out his robes. "Lead the way, Albus. The sooner we're settled in, the sooner you can let the Order know Harry is back."
Gellert: And they shall reach out to touch him, and he shall jerk back and say “Do not touch me, I have just risen”. *rolls eyes* And then they shall ask him to Transfigure some loaves and fishes.
Albus: I could do that.
Gellert: If you have any dignity whatsoever, you shall not pass yourself off as the second coming of the Muggles’ God.
Albus: Of course not! …You would make a better divinity. *dreamy eyes*
Gellert: *smiles* *shrugs* I could never manage to say “If a man slaps you on one cheek, show him the other” with a straight face, as such behavior is liable to get you slapped on the other, and then your foe would start using knuckles and wands.
I nodded and stood. "How very glad I am you are both safe and sound.
Albus: Harry is neither safe nor sound, and Snape is not sound, and not safe, either, if I have any say in the matter.
And congratulations on your bonding. May you have many years of joy and love."
Albus: I must be stalling for time. I must.
Harry blushed but took Severus' hand. "Thank you, Headmaster. We will."
Severus merely nodded but did not let go of his bonded's hand. What an interesting year we were going to have.
Albus: They do say a Chinese curse is “May you live in interesting times”.
Gellert: What a quaint little expression. But I hardly think the entire year will be interesting - an hour to capture Snape, a week if the planning is overly cautious, and perhaps a few months of scandal if the full sordid story comes to light.
Albus: *looks ahead* The year is actually rather uninteresting. Everyone approves of the relationship, and that’s really the only development of importance.
Gellert: What of Voldemort?
Albus: Ah, his Death Eaters injure Snape at one point, but the school Healer heals him within ten paragraphs - the only lasting damage is that he loses his spleen, but that doesn’t seem to affect the plot.
Gellert: How is it possible to make serious injury boring? …*shakes head* How much more of this is there?
*OMINOUS CHORDS*
Gellert: More specifically, can Fiendfyre be used to destroy this thing? Only one way to find out…
Albus: Gellert! Don’t!
=Later=
Gellert: *running* I swear, I just need to figure out the last syllable!
Albus: *panting* This, I hope, is an excellent lesson as to why you should not use experimental charms in uncontrolled situations!
I hate both of you. Just so long as it doesn’t come this way, we’ll be fine…
Abby, I’m scared. *twitches*
Everything will be all right, Ariana. Everything will be all right. *hugs to chest* For us, at least…
Gellert: It shouldn’t vary too far from the original Fiendfyre-canceling chant! Why isn’t it working?!
Albus: Wandwork and incantations -
Gellert: “Wandwork and incantations” are for - *dodges stray stream of flame* - um, actually, Albus, you may have a point. HELP!
Albus: Ah, but I am still trying to figure out -
Gellert: Oh, forget that! Is the fic gone yet?!
Albus: *stops running for a moment and looks over his shoulder, adjusting his spectacles* …No. *resumes running*
Gellert: [German profanity deleted]
END SPORK… for now. *dodges flames*