Coffee Trippin'
Dude, she actually wrote a journal entry, instead of some random mumble of meaningless crap.
Or, maybe. Who knows. I just thought it'd be nice to have my existence verified by an update of my online journal. Not that it actually means anything.
Just earlier I was suffering from the pains of caffeine still attacking my poor system, trying to overcome the drawn-out comedown by noshing on the leftovers of the pecan chocolate tart thingy I bought with my Pumpkin Spice Latte at the local Starbucks last night, in the hopes that the chocolate would release some pain-killing endorphins.
UGH. I had a bad trip. From the coffee. Or some combination of caffeine with the leftovers of a day-old Smirnoff Ice and the whacked out stress hormones raving and candy-flipping and randomly fucking each other in my brain.
I almost hate this "live" journal now. Looking at the relative lack of entries just shows how dead I've been. What life do I have to talk about? Oh yes, things have happened, but inside? I've been feeling dead. I feel like a robot. Nothing really matters.
So why this update? Well sometimes somethings strike me. My soul seems to be in a coma, but the sweet smells of fresh art from some bakery far up in the common ether of the unconscious wafted into my nostrils, like ammonia inhalant, and I came to.
If just for an instant. Bear with me for my 15 minutes of consciousness. I will soon drift back into my icy cold near-death slumber. Hopefully I'm just hibernating and maybe I'll come back out from my coccoon as the social butterfly I can be. I'm a big mean ol grizzly bear at the mo'. WITH THE FAT TO PROVE IT TOO. More on the weight gain later.
So, art. First, music. Eisley and Kings of Convenience. Hopefully the second link works, it's a video.
Here's more on Eisley, and the Kings' website.
So these two groups are sort of dreampop, slowcore, sadcore-ish. Since when the fuck did I get into this? I dunno. I guess it fits with where I've been feeling lately. Oh yeah, and the burnt CD of XO by Elliot Smith that belonged to my summer roomie, that randomly found itself into my packing. Heh. Been listening to that some too lately. I think my favorite blue hoodie got lost in her stuff, though. That made me so sad when I realized I lost it. But it helped me learn to detach myself further from material things, I guess. Blegh. It sucked, because it was my dad's and was probably over 25 years old and still in excellent condition. Sigh. Anyways, my fave song is "Baby Britain." <3 <3 <3 <3 My roommate from freshman year, Melissa, played this song non-stop. Along with endless Ben Lee. But back to "...where I've been feeling lately": Part of me just wants to float up into an aurora and dance in wavely-slowmo and drift apart into radioactive particles of death and back in again.
Tee-hee. Erm, yeah. I don't want to listen to people's whining and pathetic selfish bitching anymore. Fuck, can't you get over that already? Get over the material, and into the spiritual. Get out of your body and into your mind, that crazy spot of nonexistence between your ears call UNconsciousness.
I realize that last paragraph is possibly hypocritical in one way or a few. EXISTENCE is hypocritical, damn it! So bear with me :-)
And off that note of various states of reality, the coffee tripping. So, last night I took a nap around 6pm, got up around 11ish? I was wanting to tackle the disgusting job of organizing two years' worth of accumulated crap that to anyone else, is pure trash, but to my sentimental heart is a bunch of paper-cut memories.
I couldn't concentrate at all. I SWEAR I must have adult onset ADD or something. Why can't I just focus on things anymore? Ugh. I really feel like I should get tested. Maybe before I was always able to handle it because I had an outlet, such as drawing, video games, or listening or playing to music. But now that I haven't done those things in over two years (coincidence?), now that I don't have that outlet, it seems like two years' worth of my bitter restlessness has finally had it's way and is done being bottled up.
But it's got nowhere to go except as a frown on my face. UGH. So yeah, I've been feeling really angsty lately. It's not totally unwelcome, because angst usually fires up passion. But I've lost my passion it seems so it's just really empty angst. Which feels like vomiting up nothing. But at least I'm vomiting? Instead of wasting away motionless? Ha ha ha ha..... ha?
ANYWAYS, the bad trip. I decide to go to bed after about an hour or two of mindless pacing around the room, sitting down to look at a pile of papers blankly, realizing I don't have the stamina to hold my concentration long enough to properly organize it, then standing back up in jittery confusion/frustration looking down at the floor to find another pile to try and work at, repeat. I eventually feel exhausted; it's mental exhaustion with that fake-awake wired feeling of caffeine in the hazy background, which feels kind of empty too because you know it's not really you that's awake but the drug.
* * *
It's Thursday Night/Friday Morning now, 1am. I'm trying to finish whatever it is I want to say, it's important that I say SOMETHING after not being able to even care to say something at all for such a long time. I'm going to shower and maybe head over to Denny's. I wish I had a laptop. It'd be so nice to just take my work with me. I never before had the need or urge for a laptop before, but I can now see why they're nice to have. I don't like caging myself in my room :-(. The walls are still white and it's still not "my" room yet, so instead of feeling intimately alone with my thoughts, they're staring me down in the face from all four corners and I'm trapped. Off to the showers I go. [/exit]
[enter, 7:30PM Nov 19]
OOOOOOoooooooookay. Damn. I only had one cup of coffee today (the 18th), around 3PM. So how the hell did I manage to stay awake until 7am? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY? What the fuck is going on with my mind? Why am I always depressed all the time? OK I ADMIT, I AM DEPRESSED. Why can't I get out of it?
And yet part of me still says "it's just a phase." Yeah RIGHT it's just a phase, how long is this shitty mood going to last? This is how it's seemed to progress lately since this time last year, when shit hit the fan after I got mono:
And honestly, personality and mood wise, I've generally been like this since I was 11. I was never happy for all those years after we left Colorado. However, I was intensely happy when I finally graduated from high school and came here. It was like a dream. Freshman year, despite the Kitchen Nazi, is a year I can look back on fondly. I wasn't worried about grades, I just wanted to live life, and I did just that with my crazy adventures in Los Angeles that have yet to be documented on this computer screen. I figured I could fix my grades sophomore year, when I would be better adjusted to life as a college student. And then mono hit. And it's been horrible everafter. It's like... it feels almost like someone doesn't want me to be happy and put a curse on me or something. I can't fathom how something out of my control just threw me for a loop like the Epstein-Barr virus has. I mean, I can understand how things out of your control and fuck you over, but... do you understand what I mean? I can't believe how this random thing that I contracted from nobody just fucked me over so horribly. It's just... ARRRGH. It shouldn't have happened! I was supposed to be in control of my life, my destiny now! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to be happy now! In charge! Doing all the things I wanted to do! Not be at the heartless mercy of random, cruel, careless happenstance!
And so when shit happens I just withdraw from people. I still talk to the people who understand me. That's really nice to have, by the way. There was a time in my life where I didn't have anyone I could seriously call a friend. No one understood. But that was the horror of middleschool :-) I'm glad for the experience. But yeah, when shit happens, and I'm in a bad mood, I don't want people to see it. I have this amazing ability to project my bad mood on other people, not by my own will, but people around me get sad when I'm sad. They just absorb it. And I hate it. I don't want to see more sadness. I don't want people to be worried about me. I don't like thinking that other people are sad because of me. So I just lock myself up and deal. Which is bad, I know. I've been learning to open up more; thank God for my friends, else I'd have no one and nothing to live for beyond living in fear, fighting off the endless demons hiding in my closet.
For these times when I lock myself away from society, this is the question that always begs to be asked, : Am I really a loner? What the fuck? In my mind it's always been that the circumstances were just never quite right.
Meh, anything after this is just a draft. I need a nap before work today (Saturday). Sigh. [/exit 5:19am Nov 20]
UUUghh lemme finish this, I honestly don't want to talk anymore.
So, back to art. Second up is illustration, my first love. Check this guy out: Joshua Middleton.
"Schizophrenia is a psychiatric disorder characterized by loss of contact with reality and major changes in personality. Schizophrenics have normal levels of dopamine in the brain, but because they are highly sensitive to this neurotransmitter, these normal levels of dopamine trigger unusual behaviors. Drugs such as thorazine that block the action of dopamine have been found to decrease the symptoms of schizophrenia.
Studies indicate that people who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs like cocaine and nicotine have less dopamine in the mesocorticolimbic pathway. These drugs appear to increase dopamine levels, resulting in the pleasurable feelings associated with the drugs."
-from "Dopamine," Microsoft® Encarta® Online Encyclopedia 2004. [http://encarta.msn.com]
Or, maybe. Who knows. I just thought it'd be nice to have my existence verified by an update of my online journal. Not that it actually means anything.
Just earlier I was suffering from the pains of caffeine still attacking my poor system, trying to overcome the drawn-out comedown by noshing on the leftovers of the pecan chocolate tart thingy I bought with my Pumpkin Spice Latte at the local Starbucks last night, in the hopes that the chocolate would release some pain-killing endorphins.
UGH. I had a bad trip. From the coffee. Or some combination of caffeine with the leftovers of a day-old Smirnoff Ice and the whacked out stress hormones raving and candy-flipping and randomly fucking each other in my brain.
I almost hate this "live" journal now. Looking at the relative lack of entries just shows how dead I've been. What life do I have to talk about? Oh yes, things have happened, but inside? I've been feeling dead. I feel like a robot. Nothing really matters.
So why this update? Well sometimes somethings strike me. My soul seems to be in a coma, but the sweet smells of fresh art from some bakery far up in the common ether of the unconscious wafted into my nostrils, like ammonia inhalant, and I came to.
If just for an instant. Bear with me for my 15 minutes of consciousness. I will soon drift back into my icy cold near-death slumber. Hopefully I'm just hibernating and maybe I'll come back out from my coccoon as the social butterfly I can be. I'm a big mean ol grizzly bear at the mo'. WITH THE FAT TO PROVE IT TOO. More on the weight gain later.
So, art. First, music. Eisley and Kings of Convenience. Hopefully the second link works, it's a video.
Here's more on Eisley, and the Kings' website.
So these two groups are sort of dreampop, slowcore, sadcore-ish. Since when the fuck did I get into this? I dunno. I guess it fits with where I've been feeling lately. Oh yeah, and the burnt CD of XO by Elliot Smith that belonged to my summer roomie, that randomly found itself into my packing. Heh. Been listening to that some too lately. I think my favorite blue hoodie got lost in her stuff, though. That made me so sad when I realized I lost it. But it helped me learn to detach myself further from material things, I guess. Blegh. It sucked, because it was my dad's and was probably over 25 years old and still in excellent condition. Sigh. Anyways, my fave song is "Baby Britain." <3 <3 <3 <3 My roommate from freshman year, Melissa, played this song non-stop. Along with endless Ben Lee. But back to "...where I've been feeling lately": Part of me just wants to float up into an aurora and dance in wavely-slowmo and drift apart into radioactive particles of death and back in again.
Tee-hee. Erm, yeah. I don't want to listen to people's whining and pathetic selfish bitching anymore. Fuck, can't you get over that already? Get over the material, and into the spiritual. Get out of your body and into your mind, that crazy spot of nonexistence between your ears call UNconsciousness.
I realize that last paragraph is possibly hypocritical in one way or a few. EXISTENCE is hypocritical, damn it! So bear with me :-)
And off that note of various states of reality, the coffee tripping. So, last night I took a nap around 6pm, got up around 11ish? I was wanting to tackle the disgusting job of organizing two years' worth of accumulated crap that to anyone else, is pure trash, but to my sentimental heart is a bunch of paper-cut memories.
I couldn't concentrate at all. I SWEAR I must have adult onset ADD or something. Why can't I just focus on things anymore? Ugh. I really feel like I should get tested. Maybe before I was always able to handle it because I had an outlet, such as drawing, video games, or listening or playing to music. But now that I haven't done those things in over two years (coincidence?), now that I don't have that outlet, it seems like two years' worth of my bitter restlessness has finally had it's way and is done being bottled up.
But it's got nowhere to go except as a frown on my face. UGH. So yeah, I've been feeling really angsty lately. It's not totally unwelcome, because angst usually fires up passion. But I've lost my passion it seems so it's just really empty angst. Which feels like vomiting up nothing. But at least I'm vomiting? Instead of wasting away motionless? Ha ha ha ha..... ha?
ANYWAYS, the bad trip. I decide to go to bed after about an hour or two of mindless pacing around the room, sitting down to look at a pile of papers blankly, realizing I don't have the stamina to hold my concentration long enough to properly organize it, then standing back up in jittery confusion/frustration looking down at the floor to find another pile to try and work at, repeat. I eventually feel exhausted; it's mental exhaustion with that fake-awake wired feeling of caffeine in the hazy background, which feels kind of empty too because you know it's not really you that's awake but the drug.
* * *
It's Thursday Night/Friday Morning now, 1am. I'm trying to finish whatever it is I want to say, it's important that I say SOMETHING after not being able to even care to say something at all for such a long time. I'm going to shower and maybe head over to Denny's. I wish I had a laptop. It'd be so nice to just take my work with me. I never before had the need or urge for a laptop before, but I can now see why they're nice to have. I don't like caging myself in my room :-(. The walls are still white and it's still not "my" room yet, so instead of feeling intimately alone with my thoughts, they're staring me down in the face from all four corners and I'm trapped. Off to the showers I go. [/exit]
[enter, 7:30PM Nov 19]
OOOOOOoooooooookay. Damn. I only had one cup of coffee today (the 18th), around 3PM. So how the hell did I manage to stay awake until 7am? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY? What the fuck is going on with my mind? Why am I always depressed all the time? OK I ADMIT, I AM DEPRESSED. Why can't I get out of it?
And yet part of me still says "it's just a phase." Yeah RIGHT it's just a phase, how long is this shitty mood going to last? This is how it's seemed to progress lately since this time last year, when shit hit the fan after I got mono:
- frustration at my inability to overcome the circumstances life decided to hand me
- sad, empty, lost (winter break, spring), trying to accept the fact that I was losing my scholarship (ugh that just sent a sick tremor through my body just now) and that no matter how hard I tried it was gone, lost in trying to make sense at how this came to happen, trying to see if there were more problems lurking underneathm (am I in the right major? what do I really want? etc)
- listless because there was no point in trying (end of spring)
- apathetic, life will give me what it will (summer)
- cynically amused (dark humor) at all the shit that continues to plague me
- currently:bitter frustration at my own loss of energy and thus inability to be on the ball and try to finally overcome this shit
And honestly, personality and mood wise, I've generally been like this since I was 11. I was never happy for all those years after we left Colorado. However, I was intensely happy when I finally graduated from high school and came here. It was like a dream. Freshman year, despite the Kitchen Nazi, is a year I can look back on fondly. I wasn't worried about grades, I just wanted to live life, and I did just that with my crazy adventures in Los Angeles that have yet to be documented on this computer screen. I figured I could fix my grades sophomore year, when I would be better adjusted to life as a college student. And then mono hit. And it's been horrible everafter. It's like... it feels almost like someone doesn't want me to be happy and put a curse on me or something. I can't fathom how something out of my control just threw me for a loop like the Epstein-Barr virus has. I mean, I can understand how things out of your control and fuck you over, but... do you understand what I mean? I can't believe how this random thing that I contracted from nobody just fucked me over so horribly. It's just... ARRRGH. It shouldn't have happened! I was supposed to be in control of my life, my destiny now! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to be happy now! In charge! Doing all the things I wanted to do! Not be at the heartless mercy of random, cruel, careless happenstance!
And so when shit happens I just withdraw from people. I still talk to the people who understand me. That's really nice to have, by the way. There was a time in my life where I didn't have anyone I could seriously call a friend. No one understood. But that was the horror of middleschool :-) I'm glad for the experience. But yeah, when shit happens, and I'm in a bad mood, I don't want people to see it. I have this amazing ability to project my bad mood on other people, not by my own will, but people around me get sad when I'm sad. They just absorb it. And I hate it. I don't want to see more sadness. I don't want people to be worried about me. I don't like thinking that other people are sad because of me. So I just lock myself up and deal. Which is bad, I know. I've been learning to open up more; thank God for my friends, else I'd have no one and nothing to live for beyond living in fear, fighting off the endless demons hiding in my closet.
For these times when I lock myself away from society, this is the question that always begs to be asked, : Am I really a loner? What the fuck? In my mind it's always been that the circumstances were just never quite right.
Meh, anything after this is just a draft. I need a nap before work today (Saturday). Sigh. [/exit 5:19am Nov 20]
UUUghh lemme finish this, I honestly don't want to talk anymore.
So, back to art. Second up is illustration, my first love. Check this guy out: Joshua Middleton.
"Schizophrenia is a psychiatric disorder characterized by loss of contact with reality and major changes in personality. Schizophrenics have normal levels of dopamine in the brain, but because they are highly sensitive to this neurotransmitter, these normal levels of dopamine trigger unusual behaviors. Drugs such as thorazine that block the action of dopamine have been found to decrease the symptoms of schizophrenia.
Studies indicate that people who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs like cocaine and nicotine have less dopamine in the mesocorticolimbic pathway. These drugs appear to increase dopamine levels, resulting in the pleasurable feelings associated with the drugs."
-from "Dopamine," Microsoft® Encarta® Online Encyclopedia 2004. [http://encarta.msn.com]