Dear God,
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENIN', MAN?!?
No.
Seriously.
*ah-ha-heggggggggghhhhm*
*shifty gaze, sniff, looks up...*
So!
Big Dude Upstairs!, ha-haaa...
Long time no see.
It's been a while, no? Yeah, I know, I FINALLY visited your house again after a few months.. It was nice. Very comfy, nice lighting, very welcoming air, but with a faint hint of anxiety. Not so much from me as from some of your other guests. I've been planning this visit for a long time. I know you've been expecting me.
What can I say? Crisis of Faith? ..I guess you can call it that, but I never really lost faith in you. I was just angry. Questioning.
I think I had to figure some things out.
What am I saying. Of course I had to figure some things out. I'm growing up! *cue Flinstones vitamins commercial* But.. well, whatever. I had questions about many things, about the Catholic doctrine, about human nature,.. but I feel now that because I've tested, crossed, and crossed back over all these "boundaries" of morality, I have finally built a solid foundation of strong conviction on matters of such, on which I can fall back on for support in the future.
It's funny how people sort of noticed that, too. I remember asking a new friend of mine earlier this year what he thought of me, and he said that it just seemed like I was figuring myself out, trying to find answers to all of my questions. So, that's cool. I'd rather seem unsure yet openminded instead of closeminded to anything new. I'm still figuring myself out but I think at this point it's just the details and not so much the core facets.
There's a better word than facets, but it's been two years since I took a religion course in which I used that word and whipped it out of my ass every 15 seconds. Anyways...
I've been there, and done quite a bit of all that. I've sinned. I'll sin again. But not quite as much as I have been doing, and not quite as bad.
To be honest, I've been sort of a reckless sinner. I mean, speaking for myself at least, if I'm gonna sin, there's gotta be a good reason behind it. Actually, I think the recklessness behind all of that was stemming from a complete and total disregard for self. I mean, it doesn't help to be depressed either, but I'll get to that in a bit. Hmm. Actually, maybe it has a lot to do with all this. So I'll get to it, but I need to take a shower first and bake some cookies.
[exeunt 4pm]
I'm back, it's 10:30 in the pm, I took a shower, I feel fresh and clean, and I finally baked some cookies but only one person was around to enjoy them. :-(
I don't know why but for some weird reason it's been really hard to get in touch with people I consider good friends.. it's kinda freaking me out. Naturally I'm getting paranoid that maybe people are avoiding me, and naturally I have NO freaking clue why, if that were the case. I hope it's not and it's just circumstance and people being busy..
By the way, can I exclaim right HERE and right NOW that I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSION. What a buggin' waste of time! If someone's irritating you, you tell them to their face right then and there! UGH!!!
...back to before, though, at the same time it's odd that I'm seeking out comfort from friends when at the same time I've been looking for distance and space. *sigh* Silly me. It'll work itself out, but in the meantime it's irritating, I guess. I guess I just need to find more things to do that focus on me to take up my time like I used to.. like my art, my website that I still never update or even add shit to, just myself in general. I have the problem of caring about other people too much and neglecting myself in the process, SO! Guess what? That's right, I'm gonna make tons of money, get my hair did, my nails done, spend tons and tons of money on cute clothes, a drum set, guitars, etc.....
Once I get a job.
But let's leave all that to another journal entry. Here, I am talking about my reckless sin. Mmmmm, saucy.
Okay, so, where before with sex (and I swear it's ALWAYS about sex in this journal, isn't it?), I did things because I was curious and wanted to experience the different things human sexuality had to offer.. But for some reason this past year, I got reckless. I was having sex to fill in a void.
Yeah, I know; bear with me.
Boy do I love my italics!
So! Henceforth my declaration of abstinence in my last entry, even if I find the right guy between now and September 1, 2006, I will -NOT- romp in the sack with him until I have decided that, yes, I am actually in love with him and the sex will be worth it.
It's not like-- well, no. The sex was never worth it, when I think about it, because there was never a time, those 20-odd times I had sex, that it was worth it. Well, except for the experience points, but something tells me that even if I were to be a virgin until the night of my honeymoon, I'd still be a fantastic fuck.
Let's tally up the numbers and name some names, shall we? This is in order. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm even doing this. Well, here's hoping it gives me the courage to finally go to Confession in like, what, 7 years?
In Order, from First to Most Recent, and Dated:
And that's it. I have had sex a total number of 32 times, with 20 different people; if we want to include kissing, 21, and any sexually-charged situations, 22.
Yep. *thinks it over* Yep, that's just about right. To the guy who tried to convince me that I had sex with a brother of his in the Fall of '03 by assuring me I had nipples the length of his pinky fingernail, I can assure you, NO. Because I had MONO, asswipe. And ironically enough, I most likely caught it either during work (Campus Cruiser) or my roommate, because none of the guys I was involved with (I asked around when I tested positive) ever had mono.
So. What was the point of that again? Except for clearing things off my chest?
Yikes. I'm only 9 away from my "30 before 30" 'goal'. Crap, was I a slut or what?
Well, that's off my chest, and oddly enough, I feel good about admitting all that. *flashes a celebrity-Porn-Star-worthy smile ala Pam Anderson, winks*
Ugh, anyways... Things got really reckless towards the end there. I should never had gone back to Alon's smug psycho ass after what happened the first time I ever met him. And Gabe? Why? He's alright, but I hope he doesn't have feelings for me, because, well let's face it, I was just stringing him along at the parties I met him at. I think he's the type that's already lost faith in women though, so that's good and it'll make it easier for him if he actually wasn't using me for sex. ALL those other times though were sex purely for sex and both parties knew it, except with M. I still (want to?) believe that there was a spark of something more there, otherwise, I wouldn't have pursued it. Honestly. I didn't want him for sex, it just sorta went there, when it shouldn't have--
OOH A YELLOWCARD VIDEO!! *teen girl squad squeal* Okay, dorky girly confession: I like Yellowcard. If only because of the violin player. *squeals like a pig* [/end dorky girlyness]
Okay, after typing "[/end dorky girlyness]" ... oh c'mon. The dorky girlyness will never cease!
And now it's Fall Out Boy ("Sugar, We're Going Down" ..such a cute video), and it's 4am. Ah, yes, typing away in the LiveJournal at 4am.. the DORKY GIRLYNESS WILL NEVER CEASE!
*ahem*
Well, I should probably end this entry as it is and save the rest for the next:
An outline for what to expect next entry...
We're gonna go back and examine the stuff behind"Actually, I think the recklessness behind all of that was stemming from a complete and total disregard for self. I mean, it doesn't help to be depressed either, but I'll get to that in a bit."
And amazingly, I actually am recounting to y'all what's been happening this whole freaking year and beyond.. Gadzooks! I've been meaning to, and honestly, I've been needing to.
And to think I wasted all that money on a therapist. Hell, at least she looked like Barbara Streisand.
So, to recount for next entry:
IDENTITY CRISIS!
DEPRESSION!
WEAKENING FAMILY BONDS!
DEPRESSION!
LOVELESS SEX!
DEPRESSION!
FINANCIAL LOSS!
DEPRESSION!
LACK OF IDENTITY CRISIS!
APATHY!
DEATH!
DEATH!!
DEATH!!!
STRENGTHENING FAMILY BONDS!
DEPRESSION!!!!
SELF-MEDICATING DEPRESSION WITH SEX AND ALCOHOL!
LEXAPRO!
USELESS THERAPY SESSIONS!
FAILURES AT LOVE!
LACK OF ANY FINANCIAL RESOURCES!
...and many other reasons to yell at God...
And the new Backstreet Boys video, where they are huge fans of the band "Sphinkter" is the BEST. VIDEO. EVAR.
Except maybe for Gwen Stefani's "Bananas." <3
love ya,
xoxox<3maria
No.
Seriously.
*ah-ha-heggggggggghhhhm*
*shifty gaze, sniff, looks up...*
So!
Big Dude Upstairs!, ha-haaa...
Long time no see.
It's been a while, no? Yeah, I know, I FINALLY visited your house again after a few months.. It was nice. Very comfy, nice lighting, very welcoming air, but with a faint hint of anxiety. Not so much from me as from some of your other guests. I've been planning this visit for a long time. I know you've been expecting me.
What can I say? Crisis of Faith? ..I guess you can call it that, but I never really lost faith in you. I was just angry. Questioning.
I think I had to figure some things out.
What am I saying. Of course I had to figure some things out. I'm growing up! *cue Flinstones vitamins commercial* But.. well, whatever. I had questions about many things, about the Catholic doctrine, about human nature,.. but I feel now that because I've tested, crossed, and crossed back over all these "boundaries" of morality, I have finally built a solid foundation of strong conviction on matters of such, on which I can fall back on for support in the future.
It's funny how people sort of noticed that, too. I remember asking a new friend of mine earlier this year what he thought of me, and he said that it just seemed like I was figuring myself out, trying to find answers to all of my questions. So, that's cool. I'd rather seem unsure yet openminded instead of closeminded to anything new. I'm still figuring myself out but I think at this point it's just the details and not so much the core facets.
There's a better word than facets, but it's been two years since I took a religion course in which I used that word and whipped it out of my ass every 15 seconds. Anyways...
I've been there, and done quite a bit of all that. I've sinned. I'll sin again. But not quite as much as I have been doing, and not quite as bad.
To be honest, I've been sort of a reckless sinner. I mean, speaking for myself at least, if I'm gonna sin, there's gotta be a good reason behind it. Actually, I think the recklessness behind all of that was stemming from a complete and total disregard for self. I mean, it doesn't help to be depressed either, but I'll get to that in a bit. Hmm. Actually, maybe it has a lot to do with all this. So I'll get to it, but I need to take a shower first and bake some cookies.
[exeunt 4pm]
I'm back, it's 10:30 in the pm, I took a shower, I feel fresh and clean, and I finally baked some cookies but only one person was around to enjoy them. :-(
I don't know why but for some weird reason it's been really hard to get in touch with people I consider good friends.. it's kinda freaking me out. Naturally I'm getting paranoid that maybe people are avoiding me, and naturally I have NO freaking clue why, if that were the case. I hope it's not and it's just circumstance and people being busy..
By the way, can I exclaim right HERE and right NOW that I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSION. What a buggin' waste of time! If someone's irritating you, you tell them to their face right then and there! UGH!!!
...back to before, though, at the same time it's odd that I'm seeking out comfort from friends when at the same time I've been looking for distance and space. *sigh* Silly me. It'll work itself out, but in the meantime it's irritating, I guess. I guess I just need to find more things to do that focus on me to take up my time like I used to.. like my art, my website that I still never update or even add shit to, just myself in general. I have the problem of caring about other people too much and neglecting myself in the process, SO! Guess what? That's right, I'm gonna make tons of money, get my hair did, my nails done, spend tons and tons of money on cute clothes, a drum set, guitars, etc.....
Once I get a job.
But let's leave all that to another journal entry. Here, I am talking about my reckless sin. Mmmmm, saucy.
Okay, so, where before with sex (and I swear it's ALWAYS about sex in this journal, isn't it?), I did things because I was curious and wanted to experience the different things human sexuality had to offer.. But for some reason this past year, I got reckless. I was having sex to fill in a void.
Yeah, I know; bear with me.
Boy do I love my italics!
So! Henceforth my declaration of abstinence in my last entry, even if I find the right guy between now and September 1, 2006, I will -NOT- romp in the sack with him until I have decided that, yes, I am actually in love with him and the sex will be worth it.
It's not like-- well, no. The sex was never worth it, when I think about it, because there was never a time, those 20-odd times I had sex, that it was worth it. Well, except for the experience points, but something tells me that even if I were to be a virgin until the night of my honeymoon, I'd still be a fantastic fuck.
Let's tally up the numbers and name some names, shall we? This is in order. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm even doing this. Well, here's hoping it gives me the courage to finally go to Confession in like, what, 7 years?
In Order, from First to Most Recent, and Dated:
- October 2002: Justin x1
- Fall 2002: Mike x1, third base
- May 2003: Ruben x1
- September 2003: Adam+Brent x1 (threesome #1)*
- October 2003, July 2005: Kelly(a dude) x4, x1
- March 2004: aaaaaaahhh Ro--- big crush I still can't pathetically admit even though it was obvious #1, x1
- March 2004, Summer 2004: Adam (Beta) x1, x4
- May 2004: uuuugggghhhhh Will+Alon+unnamed roommate of Will's. *sigh* Three/4some #2, possibly very plausibly could be considered a rape, but.. I'll detail on that later. Obviously, x1
- November 2004/Spring 05/Fall 05: Mr. T: x3, x1, x1
- February 2005: NoHo Chris x2
- March 2005: Meg(a girl) x1
- June 2005: Mr M., third base x2
- June 2005: Mr N., third base x1
- July, August 2005: Gabe x2
- July, August 2005: Alon (WHY did I do this to myself? WHY?) x1; x2 FMF threesomes that never should have happened
And that's it. I have had sex a total number of 32 times, with 20 different people; if we want to include kissing, 21, and any sexually-charged situations, 22.
Yep. *thinks it over* Yep, that's just about right. To the guy who tried to convince me that I had sex with a brother of his in the Fall of '03 by assuring me I had nipples the length of his pinky fingernail, I can assure you, NO. Because I had MONO, asswipe. And ironically enough, I most likely caught it either during work (Campus Cruiser) or my roommate, because none of the guys I was involved with (I asked around when I tested positive) ever had mono.
So. What was the point of that again? Except for clearing things off my chest?
Yikes. I'm only 9 away from my "30 before 30" 'goal'. Crap, was I a slut or what?
Well, that's off my chest, and oddly enough, I feel good about admitting all that. *flashes a celebrity-Porn-Star-worthy smile ala Pam Anderson, winks*
Ugh, anyways... Things got really reckless towards the end there. I should never had gone back to Alon's smug psycho ass after what happened the first time I ever met him. And Gabe? Why? He's alright, but I hope he doesn't have feelings for me, because, well let's face it, I was just stringing him along at the parties I met him at. I think he's the type that's already lost faith in women though, so that's good and it'll make it easier for him if he actually wasn't using me for sex. ALL those other times though were sex purely for sex and both parties knew it, except with M. I still (want to?) believe that there was a spark of something more there, otherwise, I wouldn't have pursued it. Honestly. I didn't want him for sex, it just sorta went there, when it shouldn't have--
OOH A YELLOWCARD VIDEO!! *teen girl squad squeal* Okay, dorky girly confession: I like Yellowcard. If only because of the violin player. *squeals like a pig* [/end dorky girlyness]
Okay, after typing "[/end dorky girlyness]" ... oh c'mon. The dorky girlyness will never cease!
And now it's Fall Out Boy ("Sugar, We're Going Down" ..such a cute video), and it's 4am. Ah, yes, typing away in the LiveJournal at 4am.. the DORKY GIRLYNESS WILL NEVER CEASE!
*ahem*
Well, I should probably end this entry as it is and save the rest for the next:
An outline for what to expect next entry...
We're gonna go back and examine the stuff behind"Actually, I think the recklessness behind all of that was stemming from a complete and total disregard for self. I mean, it doesn't help to be depressed either, but I'll get to that in a bit."
And amazingly, I actually am recounting to y'all what's been happening this whole freaking year and beyond.. Gadzooks! I've been meaning to, and honestly, I've been needing to.
And to think I wasted all that money on a therapist. Hell, at least she looked like Barbara Streisand.
So, to recount for next entry:
IDENTITY CRISIS!
DEPRESSION!
WEAKENING FAMILY BONDS!
DEPRESSION!
LOVELESS SEX!
DEPRESSION!
FINANCIAL LOSS!
DEPRESSION!
LACK OF IDENTITY CRISIS!
APATHY!
DEATH!
DEATH!!
DEATH!!!
STRENGTHENING FAMILY BONDS!
DEPRESSION!!!!
SELF-MEDICATING DEPRESSION WITH SEX AND ALCOHOL!
LEXAPRO!
USELESS THERAPY SESSIONS!
FAILURES AT LOVE!
LACK OF ANY FINANCIAL RESOURCES!
...and many other reasons to yell at God...
And the new Backstreet Boys video, where they are huge fans of the band "Sphinkter" is the BEST. VIDEO. EVAR.
Except maybe for Gwen Stefani's "Bananas." <3
love ya,
xoxox<3maria