Just saw this post. Sorry to hear this is such a hard month for you. My daughter's fifth birthday was yesterday; her first one without my mom there and I got through the day smiling and being happy for her, then I laid down to try to sleep and the tears started coming.
I also miss the friendships and deep connections of my youth. I wonder if just getting to this age makes it hard to feel those ways again. I reconnected with a friend from high school I was really close with, but hadn't spoken to in years and years. It is good to be talking with her again, but I am not sure if our relationship is exactly the same, or could be. Back then, our lives were stretched out in front of us, and we had no idea what would happen; the future felt exciting. Now, I may be one of those people who has "settled" in marriage (okay, it took me three marriages to get to this point). I don't know if it's just the losses, or not being near friends, or just the path of least resistance but for years and years I was the same person, just a year older. The
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Internet hugs back to you for the first holiday/birthday without your Mom. I know you are strong and held it together for your daughter, but I'm sorry for the pain, later. Going into the holidays, it's always hardest as you celebrate things for the first time without someone. What helped me was changing up some of my traditions to not feel my dad's absence as strongly and make it "new" on my own, instead of tradition with a huge absence. I hope you know I'm always here if you need to chat in those moments, but I also know that grief is grief and it's not one of those things you can talk someone through (like a break up or job loss for example) so I'll send you hugs and hope that your pain will ease with time. I hope your daughters' birthday was as nice as it could be.
It's interesting because within minutes of posting this entry, I almost deleted it or edited it. I was hung up on that word "exciting," and I don't think that word was right for when I meant. I'm not an exciting person and never have been haha- I think I should
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Just saw this post. Sorry to hear this is such a hard month for you. My daughter's fifth birthday was yesterday; her first one without my mom there and I got through the day smiling and being happy for her, then I laid down to try to sleep and the tears started coming.
I also miss the friendships and deep connections of my youth. I wonder if just getting to this age makes it hard to feel those ways again. I reconnected with a friend from high school I was really close with, but hadn't spoken to in years and years. It is good to be talking with her again, but I am not sure if our relationship is exactly the same, or could be. Back then, our lives were stretched out in front of us, and we had no idea what would happen; the future felt exciting. Now, I may be one of those people who has "settled" in marriage (okay, it took me three marriages to get to this point). I don't know if it's just the losses, or not being near friends, or just the path of least resistance but for years and years I was the same person, just a year older. The ( ... )
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Internet hugs back to you for the first holiday/birthday without your Mom. I know you are strong and held it together for your daughter, but I'm sorry for the pain, later. Going into the holidays, it's always hardest as you celebrate things for the first time without someone. What helped me was changing up some of my traditions to not feel my dad's absence as strongly and make it "new" on my own, instead of tradition with a huge absence. I hope you know I'm always here if you need to chat in those moments, but I also know that grief is grief and it's not one of those things you can talk someone through (like a break up or job loss for example) so I'll send you hugs and hope that your pain will ease with time. I hope your daughters' birthday was as nice as it could be.
It's interesting because within minutes of posting this entry, I almost deleted it or edited it. I was hung up on that word "exciting," and I don't think that word was right for when I meant. I'm not an exciting person and never have been haha- I think I should ( ... )
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