omg i'm going to hell
For the past week, Haine's body has been doing a number on him. He's been vomiting and his feet hurt, and his war-hardened body has been giving way to something much softer. Doctors are not an option for Haine--too many questions are asked, and Haine doesn't particularly like the answers he's made to give--so he graciously wakes Badou up in the bed next to him by shoving him off the side instead of just stomping on his throat, and says that he's going to the church to have Bishop check him out.
"I'll come with," Badou groggily says. "I need some smokes."
"Whatever," Haine says, pulling on his pants and frowning at how tight they've gotten on him.
+
Bishop thinks for a moment, and then says that he would like for Badou to come into the room, as well. It's important, he says. The check-up has yielded some very unexpected results.
"What's shaking?" Badou says. He is disappointed that it doesn't sound as cool coming out of his mouth as it does in his head. He'll try something new next time.
"Badou-kun, Haine-kun... this old body of mine has lost the gift of sight, but in its place, I have been fortunate enough to cultivate my other senses a reasonable amount, and this includes a certain... sixth sense."
"Oh shit!" Badou says. "You can see ghosts?"
"Uh," Bishop says, and Haine takes it as permission to elbow Badou in the face. He does so.
"Go on."
"Oho~ Right! Well! It is highly unlikely that I am wrong about this, and please understand that this is most definitely not a practical joke! Haine, your body has been going through several changes lately, and I need to ask you several questions. I have a hypothesis, you see!"
"Yeah? Shoot," Haine growls. He doesn't feel so good about this.
"Ah~ The first question is... do you remember everything that they did to you... Underground?"
Haine tenses up and eyes the exit. "No," he says through clenched teeth.
"Fair enough," Bishop says, and then clears his throat. "Now, this next question is the most important of all!"
"Hurry up."
"Ah... Haine! Have you and Badou been sexually active~? With each other? ♥"
Badou drops the golden crucifix he's been trying to swipe from the corner of the room, and Haine chokes on the all the curses that are welling up in the back of his throat. "WHAT?"
"Aha~! If it's true, then congratulations! You're pregnant!"
"..." Haine says.
"I don't get it," Badou says.
+
The explanation was short: something had been altered in Haine's body all those years ago. The experiments conducted underground had warped Haine's 'plumbing,' as Badou kept calling it, and apparently, had allowed for Haine to be impregnated. Bishop had delivered the news with a stunning amount of enthusiasm for a Catholic priest ("He's probably hopin' it's another little girl he can perv over, the sick freak," Badou had said), and Nill, having overheard, had hugged Haine as tightly as she could and smiled brightly.
"The first and last time I let you top," Haine says moodily to Badou, later on in the evening.
"Hey, hey! Can I pat your stomach?" Badou asks. Haine punches him hard enough that he has to drag Badou's unconscious form back to the apartment by his hair.
+
"Hah, didn't know I had it in me!"
"Hn?"
"I impregnated you on the first shot, Haine. You know what that means? It means that I've got super manly sperm, and I should probably call my exes and ask 'em if there's some little Badous running around!"
"...you have exes?"
"Prostitutes, exes... What's the difference?"
"Hn."
+
At the Buon Viaggio, the news is met with a bit of silence. Badou is just glad that Kiri's not there to smack him around for practicing unsafe sex.
"Hm," Mihai looks at Haine and Badou. It's hard to know what he's thinking.
"Uh," Badou says, but the sound is lost as Mimi pipes in.
"Well, who says you have to keep it? It's not a kid yet," she shrugs, pointing an accusatory fork at Badou (not Haine, for some reason, which Badou thinks is totally unfair) and trying to work her mouth around a too-large piece of cake. "There's a clinic around the corner."
Haine shrugs and absent-mindedly rubs the back of his neck, it wasn't an option. Having taught Nill to read with the spare bibles Bishop kept around the church, the ideas had stuck with her. He does not want to upset her, and is surprised at how... maternal the protective feeling he has for her has gotten.
Badou, of course, chooses to articulate this to Mimi in the worst way possible, "Can you believe it? This asshole wants to keep the kid because it'll upset that church girl if he doesn't. I personally find that really fucking rude, you know? He's having my kid and he's still all schmoopy over someone else. What about my feelings, huh? I have feelings, too! Lots of the--!"
Haine kicks Badou in the face. It's the only way to keep him quiet, really.
+
"You have to give up smoking," Haine says.
"No fucking way, man," Badou says. "I need those."
"I will castrate you," Haine says.
"...what's a 'castrate'?" Badou asks, and Haine decides to show him.
+
When the baby is finally born, Haine makes a quick recovery, like he does with everything.
"Oh my~" Bishop says, holding the newborn gingerly. "It's a boy! Congratulations, Haine!"
"Lemme hold it, lemme hold it! LEMME SEE!" Badou says, trying to see over Bishop's shoulder like a hyperactive puppy. "I waaaaaaant it! How can you tell it's a boy, anyway? You're blind, you sick fuck!"
"Aha~" Bishops says and hands the kid to Badou.
"Oh fuck," Badou says, after it taking a few seconds to register. "Haine, is there something you wanted to tell me?"
"What?"
"This kid... it don't look like me."
"You can't expect a kid to look like anyone immediately, idiot."
"No, it's... the hair..."
And just like that, it dawns on Haine. He takes a look around the room and then clears his throat.
"Bishop?"
"Yes?"
"Call Naoto over. Tell her she's a father."
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME, YOU ASSHOLE!!"