Don't Wanna Be High Like Me

[gurajiorasu]

Matsumiya. G. Angst. Betaed by inaudible_d.

The hardest part of being high is sobering up.


Jun remembered clearly the first time it happened. He was still the awkward skinny teenager who thrived to shine, dreaming about big stages and his own costume that wouldn’t slip past his shoulders if he’s not careful enough. It was insane; how miserable his life was then and how oblivious he was about it. He remembered sleeping on a crappy bed in a tiny room with other boys that he couldn't really put a name on anymore. He remembered grinning from ear to ear despite the terrible circumstances, completely not minding it even for a bit.

He also remembered how in one night, when everyone was dead tired from cruel dance practice and rehearsal, his bed dipped and a warm body was pressed against his back.

Jun’s heartbeat had come to a halt right then, all sorts of alerts popped in his mind, but then he realized whose hand it was that rested on his hip; it was Nino's. Even then, when they’re far from having spent the majority of their lives together, Jun had already known it well enough to be sure. He knew it from the slightly bigger palm that Nino had. He knew it from those fingers that he liked to gaze on when his mind was idle.

When the morning came the day after, Jun was all alone. If it’s not for the averted gazes that Nino had performed throughout that day, Jun would believe that it was all just a dream.

Nino didn’t utter a word at all about it, though, and so Jun decided that it wasn’t something to talk about.

Their lives kept going and suddenly they were in Hawaii, debuting as a group and all. Jun had almost forgotten the day Nino crashed to his bed, but it happened again, making the memory resurface in his head.

They were giddy, they were confused. Everything happened in a flash and even though Jun was incredibly thrilled by the fact that they had finally debuted, he knew that some of them were not as excited as he was. He knew Nino wasn’t exactly all happy about it, especially with the seasickness that he had to endure. Jun could only wonder what he could do to make Nino feel better until the night came and someone sneaked inside his room.

The bed dipped again, with more certainty this time. A hand found its way across Jun’s waist and Jun could feel warm breath brushing his neck. Nino was upset; that much Jun knew by how tensed up Nino’s body was against his. Nino was bearing a certain level of anger that he couldn’t let out.

Jun was tempted to turn around and hug Nino close, telling him that everything would be okay-that everything would be better than he had expected, but somehow he felt that he shouldn’t. So he stayed still, pretending that he was still asleep even though he knew he was fooling no one, and Nino took his part of the night by pretending that he was fooled. Then, there was nothing that could be heard but steady breaths.

Slowly, Nino’s body lost its tension and everything became as peaceful as it could be at that point.

Jun woke up alone again the morning after and he figured that it was how it was between them. A smile formed on his face as he freed himself from his bed, trudged outside, and greeted his new bandmates-including Nino-with his usual good morning grin.

Everything rolled like a limbo of paradox after that. They had TV programs that little to no people cared about, concerts with empty seats, shows late at nights, and all other things that they thought they had gotten used to since their Junior era, but felt a million times crappier. They were busy as well as free, idols in making as well as a bunch of guys doing silly useless things. Their future was blurred with a thick fog that no one dared to unveil just because they were afraid of what was waiting for them.

Jun knew Ohno and Sho had thought about leaving more than once, what he wasn’t really sure was how Nino’s position right then. If Nino wasn’t really happy about their debut, he surely didn’t show any hint of abandoning the ship like what Sho and Ohno had been doing without they really meaning to.

When Sho looked like he was about to leave for real, and when Ohno looked like he didn’t give a damn about it, it got to every single one of them.

It was right then that Jun realized that Nino often looked like he was about to talk to him but always decided not to. Jun didn’t know what to do about this, especially because they’re not really used to talk to each other outside work. They didn’t hang out together; it’s not that they despised each other or something, they just didn’t. They didn’t exchange mails. They didn’t talk in private.

Still, Jun felt that he needed to do something. He knew something was bothering Nino and he knew that Nino needed him, but he didn’t know what to do.

Until one day, Jun moved out from his parents’ to his own place. It was a big step, and Jun didn’t think about it at first, but the first thing that he did after spending the night alone in his own place was accidentally dropping a spare key to Nino’s bag. The key didn’t have any key chain on it. It didn’t have any note to go along with it. The shape was so ordinary it could be just any door’s key. But somehow, Jun was sure that Nino would get it-he hoped that Nino would get it.

That night, the lock was turned around midnight and Jun involuntarily smiled. He felt the telltale dip on his bed, and then the familiar press of body behind him. Nino reeked of beer and cigarettes, but Jun didn’t really mind. His grip on Jun’s forearm was tight, as if he was holding on a lifeline, and he was trembling as he exhaled a long, heavy breath.

Jun couldn’t resist himself from moving his thumb slightly to brush Nino’s skin right then and Nino went rigid almost too instantly that Jun felt his heart stopped beating. In the chaos of his mind, Jun decided to move his limbs ever so slightly before going still again in hope that Nino could accept it as a random movement of a sleeping man.

But Jun had always been pretending that he’s asleep and Nino had always been pretending that he thought that Jun was sleeping, so the whole scene was just ridiculous to be perfectly honest.

Somehow, though, Nino found it endearing. He let out a little chuckle that vibrated until Jun’s toes and slowly-as if he didn’t want to wake Jun-moved his face right behind Jun’s nape.

They still didn't either talk about it or act like they knew something about it when the morning came. Nino left the apartment locked before Jun was awake and Jun came to a conclusion that he liked it. They proceeded life as per usual, only with Nino getting himself together and starting to make a move on approaching Ohno. Jun got the gist of what Nino was doing, and it might be better if he jumped in and approached Sho, but he decided to just let everything roll as the fate desired.

The fate turned out to be in their favor. Their fame was finally raising and ditching the group was getting far from possible. Soon enough, they had barely made it to just follow their schedule, let alone thinking about composing a resignation letter.

Their TV programs’ ratings were climbing up, concerts tickets’ sales were getting better, offers for dramas were coming up, and invitations for shows were appearing.

Nino kept getting closer to Ohno and Jun kept his needed distance between the others. Sometimes, Jun thought that he should feel annoyed to the fact that Nino was clinging to Ohno without shame but apparently not telling anyone that he went to Jun when he’s at his lowest. But Jun couldn’t be annoyed. Not when it made him feel special instead. Nino might do his fanservice with Ohno. Nino might hang out with Aiba more often than not. Nino might tell Sho his problems and secrets. Nino might have girlfriends. But at the end of the day, when everything turned unbearable and Nino just wanted to take a break, he’d come to Jun. Jun was his refugee. Jun was his comfort place.

Then, Jun got his drama and Nino went for his Hollywood movie.

It never occurred to Jun before that Nino’s presence was that significant for him. He always thought it in the way that Nino came to him; that everything that happened between them was for the sake of Nino. But in Nino’s absence, Jun started to get a tad bit grumpier. He wished that the day would end faster. Nothing was affecting his performance at work, though, but then he realized something that caused it.

He needed Nino. He needed Nino as much as Nino needed him. Probably even more.

The realization caused more havoc than Nino’s absence itself. Jun became restless and irascible. He was volatile-a bomb that could detonate at the slightest touch. The fact that he hated to be the one who caused trouble only added to the problem.

Jun got into a fight with Sho but it wasn’t like it was something unusual. He angered Ohno, but the leader had snapped to him accordingly so he didn’t feel so bad about it. But then, he yelled at Aiba. Aiba had taken aback at that and instead of raging back, Aiba apologized.

Jun was the explosive bastard and Aiba was the one apologizing.

It was the day that Nino was scheduled to fly back to Japan. Sho had texted him, telling that they’re going to meet Nino somewhere and if he’s civil enough he could come too, but he refused. He went home instead, not bothering to turn the lamp on and hating himself in the dark.

It felt like a dream when Jun heard the sound of the lock. He heard the door being opened. He heard the steps. He heard the drag of the luggage.

He felt the soft tip of Nino’s fingers ghosting on his shoulder when he expected the bed to dip. He felt the hesitation, he felt the concern.

When Nino finally climbed to the bed and hugged Jun from behind like he always did, Jun melted to the touch. A shuddering breath was pushing out from his lungs and every fiber of his body was relaxing. Jun still hated himself, though. He resented what he did. He despised the fact that his stubborn self was causing a ruckus simply because he couldn’t take the fact that he needed Nino in more ways than it should be normal.

Then, Jun cried.

The tears trickled down his cheeks before Jun knew it. His whole body was shaking, he knew Nino could feel it too. He felt like crap, like a difficult teenage girl on her puberty. He made everything difficult-even to the point that he hurt Aiba-when actually everything could be so easy.

In the confinement of Nino’s warm arms, it was so easy.

He needed Nino. He had always been. That’s why he kept pretending that he’s asleep. That’s why he’s always looking at Nino. That’s why this little secret of them was a treasure for him that it almost felt like a sin.

And even though his stubborn brain told him that it wasn’t the case, he knew what he felt. He just needed to accept it but he didn’t, and that was the very thing that was causing the chaos.

Regret always comes last.

Nino wrapped his arms tighter around Jun to the point that it was impossible to not wake Jun had he been really asleep. Nino moved his thumb in a circular motion, obviously trying to calm Jun down. It was funny how Jun had outgrown Nino physically but everything still felt the same.

Jun felt warm inside Nino’s embrace. He felt safe. He felt alright.

Jun calmed down after a while. His breath got steady, his tears stopped. He had resolved in apologizing to Aiba and he hoped that everything would be alright again.

Then, Nino whispered almost inaudibly, “I can stay if you want to.”

Jun outright opened his eyes at that. He wanted to say yes immediately but nothing came out. Thoughts flooded his brain at once. He just came to accept that they had something between them that was more than what friends would have; he had no idea of what would come next. He suddenly dreaded the idea of seeing Nino in the morning if he’s about to stay. What would they say? What would they become? Will they still have nights like this?

Jun had no idea how it would be if they’re about to confront each other about their nights-about anything that happened between them. They had never been good at handling things like this, and Jun thought that they weren’t ready for it.

At least not yet.

So Jun kept his position. He didn’t move even a bit, maintaining his sleeping position as if he didn’t hear what Nino was saying. When he woke up, Nino was gone and a glass of water was prepared on his bedside table. He went for work and was greeted by Nino’s nonchalant greeting that was muffled by the burger that he was eating.

Jun smiled. Everything had reverted to normal.

Or so he thought.

Their work kept them busy afterwards. They were creating miracle, producing entertainment and selling dreams. Something was changing between Nino and Jun but it was so subtle; it started with an effort to create a normal conversation and developed slowly until they both were comfortable being left just the two of them.

But Nino never came to Jun again. Jun thought he would when work was particularly hard on them, but he did not. Jun thought that the concert would be the perfect time, but Nino didn’t seem to think so. Jun thought a million times that Nino would come, but Nino didn’t.

Years passed in a blink of an eye. Jun waited and Nino never came.

At some point, Jun started to think that he should have said yes. Talking it all sounded better than what they had right then. They talked-talking like what friends would do-but Jun knew it wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to be friends. Nino was more than a friend for him. He had always been. He wondered how it would be if he had said yes. He wondered what they would say, what would they become, and if they would still have their nights together. It felt like a déjà vu. Jun had thought about this the last time Nino was pressed to his back. Back then, he dreaded the thoughts. But right then, he could only wonder that it would be a whole lot better than being friends.

On a night when they were on their 10th-anniversary tour, Jun finally had enough of wondering. He needed Nino. That much he knew.

Jun figured that if Nino wouldn’t come to him, then probably he should come to Nino. He ditched the concert meeting early and sneaked to Nino’s room when no one’s around. He got a master key from their manager and he opened the door without trouble, closing it behind him after stepping into the dark room.

Nino was sleeping. Exhausted and spent.

Jun watched. Stunned and overwhelmed.

Jun regained the control over himself after what felt like an eternity. He approached the bed and stopped when his feet bumped its edge. He hesitated. He was not sure of what to do.

With careful movement, Jun finally climbed the bed and settled behind Nino. Their bodies fit like pieces of a puzzle and even though it was different than their usual arrangement, the closeness and the familiar feeling of it was definitely similar. Jun rested his arm on Nino’s hip like Nino usually did to his, and he felt the tension under his skin.

Nino was awake, Jun knew immediately. His breath was caught upon this knowledge and, apparently, so was Nino’s. Would Nino confront him? Would Nino tell him to go away? Would he have to face Nino and would this finally going to have a definite end?

Jun didn’t move even an inch until he felt Nino resumed his breathing. He felt as if his heart was beating again after a complete pause. He felt like he could break down and cry out of relief when he could see that Nino was obviously not going to do anything.

Jun wondered if this was what Nino felt every time he paid Jun a visit.

Jun savored the moment once he was calm enough. He basked in Nino’s scent-something that he never knew he missed so much. He willed himself to stay still and resist the temptation of pulling Nino closer to his embrace but he was failing, for most of it. Nino stayed still, though, playing his role of a sleeping man perfectly, and it was enough for both of them.

Jun wondered if he needed to talk, to speak up and make everything clear once and for all, but he decided against it.

The morning came in a blink of an eye; Jun got up and left.

Nino intruded Jun’s bed again weeks after that particular night and Jun couldn’t be more relieved. Nino’s body still fit Jun’s comfortably. It was still warm. It was still relaxing. Nino still disappeared came morning and they still pretended that nothing happened afterwards.

No words had ever been exchanged. No explanation. No announcement. No whatsoever. All that was there was the warm hug, the proximity, and the strange intimacy that made them felt at ease. At home.

They had definitely matured in their own ways since the day Nino got home from Los Angeles, though. Exhaustion had become a part of them and anything that might upset them before didn’t give the same effect on them anymore, Jun was sure about it. It was proven by the obvious change of Nino’s visits’ frequency. He didn’t do it as often and when he did, it’s always a pure joy for Jun. Sometimes, Nino would only come after a month. Sometimes, he’d come after just a week and Jun cherished it more than anything. Whenever it was, Jun would have seen it coming. It was as if they had their brains in sync. It was as if Jun was constantly waiting for Nino. Or as if they had shared a certain schedule for their little rendezvous.

Nino was still clingy to Ohno, Nino was still going out with some girls that Jun didn’t even bother to remember the names, but Jun didn’t bat an eye on it. They had their special bond anyway. Nino was still coming to his place anyway.

But it was still not enough. Having Nino once in awhile was not enough. It was enough before, but not anymore. There’s this absurd feeling prickling on his skin when Nino was not around; when Nino was heading to some places that were not his by the end of the day. There’s this urge to laugh when he saw Nino’s photos with this girl or that girl, and he strangely wanted to do it with Nino. It was not jealousy. Jun laughed at the mere thought of jealousy. What was it to be jealous at, really?

Nino was his. From the moment Nino intruded his bed back in their junior days, Nino was his. It’s just that they had never acted on it outside the comfort of their secret refugee. But Nino was Jun’s.

So one day, Jun decided that he would act on it. He would make this official. Unlike that night years ago, he was ready.

Nino came one night, smelling of flowers and citrus. Jun suddenly wavered a bit, feeling himself tremble until the very tip of his fingers. He felt Nino’s arm on his waist, warm and calming. He felt Nino’s deep exhale. He felt everything.

Everything.

The realization was shattering, but accepting it was the hardest thing of it. It dawned on him like a waterfall waking him from a sweet, delusional dream. It dragged him to the shore, where everything was not floating and not covered in thick fog of denial.

Jun’s voice was croaked when he suddenly said, “You only do this because you pity me, don’t you?”

It was not maturity that made Nino wait for weeks before restarting their routines.

Nino went rigid.

“For my sake, right?”

Jun always knew that Nino was coming because he had never stopped waiting.

Nino sighed. Softly, but he sighed.

Nino was always too good of a man, in his own way.

Jun’s heart broke. He knew he shouldn’t, because he was the one who chickened out the first time. He was the one who didn’t answer, who left Nino hanging for years.

“You can leave if you want to,” Jun said, finally. And-God-how he wished Nino would stay still like he did years ago, so they could wake up the next day, pretending that none of it ever happened.

But it was a mistake. Jun doing that was a mistake.

And Nino was no Jun. Not even the slightest.

“I’m sorry,” Nino whispered. He sat up and ran his fingers through Jun’s hair.

Jun could hear it when Nino finally stood up and walked to the door. He could hear the key being placed on the table. He could hear the door being opened.

He also could hear when Nino said, “I loved you, Jun.”

He should have asked Nino to stay when he could.

He should have said something to Nino when it’s not too late.

He should have been jealous.

He should really have.

*The title is taken from Mike Posner's I Took a Pill in Ibiza