it feels different
It Feels Different
“You feel different here because it is different here.”
Anji laughs as she tells you this, entire body thrown back from where she grips the grates tightly with her hands.
Of course it’s different here. It’s nothing like Canada, where you grew up.
The air here is dry and dusty and thick with gas and pollution. The streets are like cramped alleys and much too close together. Open stalls and vendors are at every corner selling food and clothing and other various items. Everything about this country is different from your home in Rexdale - the weather, the landscape, the people.
That’s probably what you meant when you told her you felt different. The people are different here.
Even Anji and your other elder cousins who love you and except you, are different from your friends back home.
“That’s not really what I meant…” You say. The foreign language is still awkward on your tongue, despite having to speak it for that last two weeks of your visit.
Anji turns to face you hands still gripping the grate. Her ever-present smile is focused on you, but her brow tilts up in a curious gesture.
“What did you mean then?” She asks. Her tone is welcoming, trustworthy.
You realise that you could tell her what you’re really thinking, that she might understand.
You don’t though. You don’t tell her.
You want to believe she’d understand but the fact is, everyone here thinks different from you.
You pull the cardigan around your shoulders tight.
The cardigan you’ve been forced into here, because here, you are forced to be female. Because here you are expected to wear skirts and cover your body and have long hair. Here they ask you if you have a boyfriend and tease you if don’t, and lecture you if you do. Here, if you were to wear your favourite blazer and crop your hair short, people would stare and point and laugh. And although it’s perfectly fine for you to be you in Canada, here, you’d be nothing but an embarrassment. And that’s not something you want to be.
“Actually, it’s nothing. I think the mosquitoes are just annoying me.”
***
You realise, as you step into the airport’s underground parking, that although you missed many things on your trip away from home, you did not miss the cold weather.
It’s around one in the morning when you’re dropped off at home with your mother and father and younger sister. It’s not even twenty minutes after walking into your house that all of you are tucked into your beds and trying to sleep.
You’ll cut your hair tomorrow, you think, you’ll go back to school, wearing your ripped jeans and your vans and your graphic tee-shirts, and no one will stare as you pass them by to kiss your girlfriend on the cheek and tell her how much you’ve missed her.
From now on, you don’t have to be a disappointment.
Not too much of one, at least.
***
It’s three years after that trip that your mother tells you that your cousin is moving to Canada, he’s finishing high school here.
His name is Ashik; he’s four years younger than you. He’ll be staying at your parent’s house, in the room that used to be yours.
Your first reaction is to laugh and say, “I hope he’s okay with naked people,” referring to that half painted portraits on the walls of your old bedroom.
Your mother tells you you’ll have to pick him up from the airport and bring him over.
“Sure,” you tell her, lips stretching wide at the prospect.
You admit you’re more than a little excited. You haven’t seen any of your cousins in a long time.
***
“Apu?” He addresses you using the term “sister”. You give him a little nod and then gesture him over to the cart you’ve brought so you can place his luggage onto it. He seems shocked to see you and you laugh a little at his expression.
“I guess I don’t really look like an ‘apu’,” you mutter; you’re sure the last time you saw him - when he was shorter than you - you had quite a lot more hair, and dressed much prettier than now.
He has his wide eyes glued to you the entire ride to your parent’s house, and although you try to stop yourself, you have to ask him, “Are you surprised to see me?”
He doesn’t answer for a long time, but then finally says, “Anji-apu told me you cut your hair a lot, but I didn’t think you’d look like a boy.”
You almost drive off lane as you let out a loud laugh.
When you drop him off, your mother forces you to stay for dinner - you were expecting that - and then tries to make you stay over for the night.
“How can I do that if Ashik’s in my room?” you ask, and before she can tell you to stay with your sister, you continue, “Besides, I stole Vinny’s keys this morning. She won’t be bale to get in if I’m not there.”
So you kiss your parents goodbye, mess up your sister’s hair and pat Ashik on the back before driving back home to your apartment, where your girlfriend is waiting for you at the door with a glare on her face. You grin at her cheekily before letting her in.
***
You help Ashik around a lot in the next week.
You show him around Rexdale. Everything is still familiar despite not actually living here for almost two years. You tell him good places to eat and places to shop for cheap, “Though, honestly, there aren’t many great shops here at all.”
You even show him your apartment - which is a little way out of town - and tell him he’s welcome to stay whenever your sister gets too annoying. You introduce Vinny to him as your friend and roommate, but you’re sure he saw you kiss her just before you leave to show him the route to school.
The distance to North Albion, where he was attending eleventh grade, from your parents house required he take the TTC. You laugh at his expression of shock when he first gets onto the bus, finding it pristine and open.
“Beats the busses back home, doesn’t it?” you ask and he laughs along with you and nods in response.
“You’ll like naci,” You tell him, “Used to go there myself. If the crowd there now is anything like it was when I was there, you’ll find people to fit in with for sure.” You smile at him encouragingly.
He looks down from your gaze to stare at the palms of your hands.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something, apu.”
“Shoot.”
He looks at you for a long time before his face turns red and he asks, “Why do you dress like a boy?”
You turn your face away from him to look at the seat across from you.
“I don’t know,” you start, “I’ve just always been more of a guy than a girl.”
“You kissed that girl.”
“Yea.” You try, not really knowing what else to say.
He makes a face and for a second you think, maybe you shouldn’t have been so open.
“But you’re a girl.”
You frown at him and wave vaguely in his direction, but you don’t really know what to say to him.
“You looked like a girl before.” He mumbles, “When you came to visit.” You grin at him now.
“And you were fat, Ashik.” He frowns and thumbs at the shirt above his belly before muttering something.
“If we were back home, they’d call you a freak.” He tells you, not looking up.
You admit the words sting, but when you respond, your voice is composed, “Well, I’m not back home, and people here don’t think I’m a freak.” Then you add, “Not all the time at least.”
The silence that follows is awkward.
“Are there going to be more people like you?”
You scowl at him, “You make that sound like a bad thing,” His face turns regretful and you roll your eyes at him before saying, “There might be. I know it’s hard to believe coming from such a conservative country, but there are lots of different people in the world.”
“I feel so different here.” He tells you after a while.
“You feel different here because it is different here.” You gesture with one hand outside the window of the bus.
He gives you an awkward smile, and you have to admit that your returning smile is just the same.
“I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable.” You say finally.
“It’s alright I suppose. You’re still my apu.”
Suddenly his face changes and he looks at you with contemplation on his face, “If you’re more of a guy, does that mean I have to call you ‘bhaiya’?”
You laugh, finally breaking some of the tension around you.
“You can call me whatever you like.”
AN: It's been a while since i put anything one here. This story one me my first years collage tuition free. The theme was "Life in Rexdale"