Let Go [1]

[neorouge]

Let Go

Fandom/Pairing: Super Junior- Kyumin (!Main), Hyukmin, Simin, Minor!Minwook

Length: Two-shot

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst, Romance, Supernatural!AU

Summary: You’re gone. I saw you leave. So why are standing beside me still? Character Deaths. Inspired By Alejandro by Lady Gaga.

[Part 1] [Part 2]


Sungmin stares blankly at the other side of the bed, eyes red and swollen with tears. It’s cold, as it has been for the last week. Sungmin chokes at the thought that it had been so warm days before. He had been so warm days before.

Once again, the onslaught of tears catches him. Once again, he feels hopelessly alone, more so than he already is.

It’s not until the chill of the wind brushes past him around midnight that Sungmin finally stops crying. It’s as if he can hear Kyuhyun calling him.

Sungmin.

Sungmin looks in astonishment at the figure sitting on the bed. He feels the mug fall from his grip- hears it shatter- but he doesn’t pay mind to it. He just continues to stare.

The figure on the bed gives him a worried glance. “Be careful.”  His voice is hollow and airy, but Sungmin doesn’t seem to notice as he steps closer to him.

Sungmin reaches out to touch him, fingers barely grazing the surface of his skin.

“Kyuhyun?”

But he’s gone. And Sungmin is still cold.

Ryeowook is the first to approach to him after the accident. He’s the first one to talk to him.

When he first shows up, Sungmin is sitting in one corner of the kitchen, looking blankly out the window.

They can’t even hold a conversation without Sungmin getting distracted. His eyes keep moving, looking at anything but the person speaking to him.

Frustrated, Ryeowook grabs Sungmin by the face and forces him to face him. “What are you looking at?” He asks.

Sungmin's eyes are wandering again, hovering over Ryeowook's shoulder.

There is a long pause before Sungmin finally replies. “Do you see him standing there?”

Ryeowook looks behind him. There’s nothing there.

Sungmin cries again that night. Ryeowook told him there was nothing there. That he’s seeing things. He’s worried about Sungmin's health.

Sungmin kicked him out.

“Don’t worry. Even if no one else can see me, I’m here.”

Sungmin can feel Kyuhyun stroke his hair from where he’s lying behind him.

The kiss Kyuhyun places on his neck is cold. But Sungmin doesn’t really notice. He’s cold too.

Sungmin's mood starts to get better and he goes back to classes. They’ve had a new student since he was gone. His name is Eunhyuk. Sungmin doesn’t pay attention to him a first, they have nothing in common.

It’s not until Sungmin sees Eunhyuk dance for the first time that he’s interested. He has a sort of aura around him as he dances; he’s completely different from the timid boy in class.

As Sungmin watches him, he smiles for the first time in months.

“I don’t think he’s as good as you.”

Eunhyuk likes Sungmin. More than a friend.

Sungmin smiles when Eunhyuk confesses to him, because he likes Eunhyuk a lot too. Maybe not as much as…

“I don’t like him.” Kyuhyun tells him the night Eunhyuk confesses.

“You liked him a lot when we first met him.” Sungmin smiles as he says this, cuddling back against Kyuhyun on the bed.

Kyuhyun frowns, “I don’t want you to see him. You’re mine, Sungmin.”

Sungmin feels his spine tingle at the way his name slips of Kyuhyun's tongue.

Eunhyuk’s kiss is soft. Sungmin closes his eyes; it's nothing like Kyuhyun's passionate kisses. But it was nice and Sungmin is contented, and if for a while, the slightest bit warmer.

When he opens his eyes after Eunhyuk pulls away, the first thing he notices is the angry look on Kyuhyun's face. He feels his heart drop, and suddenly, he is cold again.

“I told you you’re mine!”

Sungmin is scared because Kyuhyun rarely gets mad at him. His hearts is beating fast, but he sucks it up, because he has his pride.

“You don’t own me.”

Kyuhyun snarls. He can’t have Sungmin like he did before, and that makes him angry. He wraps his arms around Sungmin from behind, his face in Sungmin's hair. Sungmin thinks that if Kyuhyun could cry, that’s what he’d be doing right now.

“I won’t do anything with him.” Sungmin tells him. “I love you.”

The cold kiss Kyuhyun leaves on his neck makes his skin tingle. “Mine.”

Eunhyuk comes over for dinner. It’s fun and dinner is delicious.

Things are going great, they laugh and tell jokes, dance and play. But then Eunhyuk kisses him again. It takes Sungmin by surprise. It doesn’t make him happy or giddy like the first time Eunhyuk kissed him. It makes him feel sick.

Eunhyuk gasps when Sungmin shoves him off, startled, “What’s wrong, Min?”

But Sungmin isn’t looking at him. He’s staring off over Eunhyuk's shoulder.

“I told you not to do anything with him.” Kyuhyun snarls.

“I’m sorry!” he cries

Eunhyuk is confused, “Why are you sorry? For pushing me?” He laughs, “I guess I shouldn’t have kissed you all of a sudden.”

Sungmin still doesn’t look at him. He’s still looking over Eunhyuk's shoulder. “It’s not my fault!”

Eunhyuk jumps  when he notices the tears in his eyes. “Sungmin! What’s wrong?” He holds Sungmin by the shoulder and turns his head towards him.

Sungmin's eyes widen, he looks to Eunhyuk, as if remembering that he’s there. “Wha-what did you call-”

“Don’t let him touch you!”

Sungmin looks at Kyuhyun's angry face and pushes Eunhyuk off him.

Eunhyuk falls to the ground and watches in astonishment as Sungmin continues talking in monologue.

“I didn’t let him touch me! I told you I love you!”

He watches Sungmin make hand gestures towards himself, still staring off to one end of the room.

“Kyuhyun!”

And suddenly things start making sense to Eunhyuk. He’s heard about Sungmin's boyfriend, both indirectly from Sungmin and directly from Sungmin's friends.

Getting up off the floor, he braces himself in front of the older boy and shakes him by the shoulders. “Min! Snap out of it! Do you know what you just said?”

Sungmin can hear his words though; all he notices is Kyuhyun looking at him angrily.

“Don’t touch me!” He yells, shoving Eunhyuk's hands off him.

Eunhyuk's expression is cross between annoyed and worried. “Why are you saying his name Min?

“Because he’s angry!” Sungmin says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

The silence is thick, and the following words are like a knife to the gut.

“How would you know that? Kyuhyun died months ago.”

Sungmin looks at Eunhyuk disbelieving, then he looks at Kyuhyun. He seems to have calmed down; his face is but a neutral mask. Sungmin doesn’t know what to think.

“You’re lying. He’s still there. You just can’t see him.”

Eunhyuk purses his lips in a thin line. “Sungmin.”

Sungmin's eyes widen and he feels like gagging. The way Eunhyuk says his name feels wrong. His knees buckle under him and he falls to the ground.

“Sungmin!” The dancer is worried despite the annoyance; he doesn’t know what to do in this situation, so he runs to help the other boy up.

“NO! STOP! DON’T COME CLOSER!”

Eunhyuk stopped in his tracks, watching Sungmin with a worried expression.

“Sungmin?”

Sungmin claps his hands over his ears over his and shuts his eyes. “Don’t!... Don’t say my name. Just leave.”

Eunhyuk is hesitant to leave the boy there. Sungmin opens his eyes and looks at the dancer with tears in his eyes. He snarls and punches him, “Leave!”

Sungmin doesn’t talk to Eunhyuk after that incident. He can’t bring himself to.

He does talk to Ryeowook though, or, he’s forced to.

Not knowing what to do, Eunhyuk called Ryeowook after he left. He has good intentions, they both do, Sungmin knew, but he doesn’t want it.

“Why can’t they just leave me alone?” Sungmin cries against Kyuhyun's chest. It’s not like before. Sungmin can’t hear the thump thump of Kyuhyun's heart anymore and it leaves him feeling kind of lonely.

Kyuhyun doesn’t answer him, just continues to run his fingers through his hair.

“This is Leeteuk. He’s a family friend. I want you to talk to him Sun-…” He bites his lip on Sungmin's name, not wanting to upset this moment.

Ryeowook shows up in the morning to introduce Park Jungsu- Leeteuk- to Sungmin. He’s a psychiatrist. He deals with people who’ve lost loved ones.

“Go away.” Sungmin closes the door on Ryeowook and walks away.

Seconds later, Ryeowook opens the front door using the key he’d gotten from his mother, and chases him into the living room.

“Sit down.” He tells him. Sungmin pouts but does as he’s told, partly because Kyuhyun is urging him to listen to Ryeowook.

The air is awkward around them and Sungmin would really rather go back to bed at this point.

“Look, Sungmin,” Sungmin flinches at his name, “I’m not asking much, just talk to Leeteuk. It doesn’t have to be for long…”  Ryeowook looks to Leeteuk. The man smiles, something that doesn’t seem right in the current atmosphere, forced.

“Twice a week, for an hour, that’s all.”

Sungmin hesitates, fiddling with his fingers. He wants to ask Kyuhyun what he should do, but he knows he shouldn’t with people present.

Leeteuk doesn’t miss the fleeting looks Sungmin gives the empty seat beside him. “It’s just for a while, Sungmin-ssi.”

Sungmin swallows. He doesn’t like the way Leeteuk addresses him.

Sungmin ends up giving in. He just can’t stand the pressure Ryeowook puts on him.

Leeteuk's office is very simple, he notes. The walls are pale blue, the ceiling white. There were a few paintings here and there, but that’s as far as decorations got. In one corner there is a book shelf- Medical texts, Sungmin confirms. By the window, there was a long lounge chair, dark blue, and a ways beside it, a simple white armchair.

He sits in the lounge chair as the assistant tells him to. The view outside is of the city. Sungmin can make out his apartment building in the distance, the university down the street and the ice-cream parlor he, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook would to go to when they were in middle school.

Leeteuk comes in minutes after Sungmin settles in. He’s dressed in white and has glasses perched onto his nose. Sungmin spares him a glance before turning back to the window.

“Well Sungmin-ssi-“

“Don’t say my name. I don’t like it.” Leeteuk looks startled at the request.

“All right then. What should I call you?”

Sungmin shrugs. He doesn’t know what he wants Leeteuk to call him. He just doesn’t wasn’t him calling his name like… that.

Leeteuk stares at Sungmin contemplatively. “How about Minnie-Chan?”

Sungmin turns away from the window to look at Leeteuk with a raised eyebrow. “Chan?”

“Well I got back from Japan a while back…” Leeteuk muses.  Sungmin continues to look at him as if he were crazy.

“Chan?”

“It’s cute.” Leeteuk concludes, smiling. Sungmin sighs and looks back to the window. He couldn’t care less.

Leeteuk clasps his hands together and smiles at Sungmin. “Well, Minnie-chan. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Sungmin's voice is blank as he answers, “About what?”

“Whatever you want.”

Sungmin is silent for a while. Leeteuk's smile is annoying him, it’s like he was forcing it. “I don’t want to talk.”

For a second, Leeteuk's smile softens into something sympathetic. “Well, I’m here when you want to.”

Sungmin sat silently until his hour with Leeteuk was over.

Sungmin doesn’t talk to Leeteuk until his third appointment.

“Is it weird when something sounds really good coming from one person and horrible from another?”

Leeteuk shifts in his seat. “Like how?”

Sungmin watches the people pass on the streets with his brows pushed together in thought. “Never mind.”

“Why do I have to go there? It’s just a waste of time.” Sungmin asks while eating lunch one day.

“Because Ryeowook thinks it’s good for you.” Was the blunt answer.

Sungmin glared at Kyuhyun, sitting across the table from him with his head in his hands.

“Why do you always take Wookie’s side?” Sungmin pointed his fork at Kyuhyun, earning a soft smile and a shrug from the other.

“Have you ever felt super mad at someone, but you can’t snap at them ‘cause you know it’ll make him feel sad?”

Leeteuk doesn’t seem surprised at Sungmin's sudden outburst. In fact, he laughs. “Yes actually, with lots of people.”

Sungmin looks the slightest bit curious as he asks, “Who?”

Leeteuk looks nervous for a moment and he chuckles, “The biggest one? My friend Heechul. He’s the oldest of three kids but he’s the biggest brat I’ve ever met. He gets on my nerves a lot, but he usually means well.”

Sungmin stares at Leeteuk amazed that he doesn’t hesitate to share something personal. Well, it’s his job.

Sungmin looks back out the window. “I really love Wookie.  We’ve been friends since third grade and he always does what’s good for you. But sometimes I think he pushes it.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Sungmin thinks that Leeteuk is finally acting like a psychiatrist.

“Crappy.” When Leeteuk doesn’t say anything, Sungmin elaborates, “I get guilty when I feel mad at him… In…  Ryeowook used to like me… He told me in high school, and after that we were really awkward for a while.”

Sungmin stops speaking, but Leeteuk urges him to continue. “Me Wookie and Kyuhyun,” Leeteuk notes that Sungmin doesn’t hesitate on Kyuhyun's name, “were friends since fifth grade. It was after Wookie confessed to me that Kyuhyun did the same. I really love him, Kyuhyun.” Leeteuk sits back, jotting notes down on how Sungmin talks in presentence. “Even though I knew he liked me back then, Ryeowook was happy for us. And since then, I’ve always felt a little guilty towards him…” Sungmin finishes off with a small laugh.

“Well, it’s understandable.” Leeteuk smiles at him, and for the first time, Sungmin smiles back.

“Leeteuk isn’t that bad.” Sungmin says, lounging on the couch and sucking on a lollipop Leeteuk had given him before leaving. Because you were such a good boy today, he had said.

“You’re only saying that because he gave you candy.”

Sungmin stuck his tongue out at Kyuhyun. He falls silent for a while after that, looking at Kyuhyun with sad eyes.

“Hey?” Sungmin asks, nuzzling Kyuhyun's side, “You know how you’re… um…”

“The living dead?” Kyuhyun grins as Sungmin punches his arm.

“Whatever. Yea. You’re not gonna to go away are you?”

“Do you want me to leave?” Sungmin shivers at the thought of Kyuhyun leaving him again.

“No…” He hugs him and buries his head into his shoulder. “Don’t leave.”

For a while, Sungmin and Leeteuk talk about nothing in particular. He knows a lot about the older man now, and Leeteuk knows quite a lot about all the trouble Sungmin had gotten into during his middle school years. Thinking back on it, Sungmin thinks his best days were during middle school. There was nothing to worry about then.

“Tell me about Kyuhyun.” Leeteuk says one day.

“I already told you a lot about him.”

Leeteuk shook his head, “You told me about Kyuhyun, your friend. I want to know about the Kyuhyun who was your lover.”

Sungmin plays with his thumbs. He can feel him cheeks heating. “Kyuhyun… he’s really unromantic.” Sungmin starts off. “At least, he pretends to be.” Leeteuk laughs at the description, Sungmin does too. “I remember that in high school, I was always really serious about anniversaries. On our one month anniversary, I remember that when I gave him his present in the morning, he looked really confused and he asked me, ‘what’s this for?’ I got really mad at him for not remembering and I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day… and an hour before midnight…” Sungmin stops to touch his red cheeks and to give Leeteuk a quick embarrassed look. His voice dropped at he continued, “He-he snuck into my room. He had a giant teddy, and- and… we…” Sungmin blushed even more as he covered mouth. He looked at Leeteuk with large eyes, as if he were confessing the biggest secret ever, “it was the first time we had it…” Sungmin buries his face in his hands in embarrassment.  He doesn’t know why he’d just told Leeteuk all of that. It just felt like he had to.

Leeteuk frowns and sighs, a dejected look on his face. “You’re lucky Minnie-chan. I wish my boyfriend was like that.”

Sungmin looks up in surprise at Leeteuk. “You’re gay, Leeteuk-ssi?”

Leeteuk blinks at Sungmin, honestly not expecting to question. “Yes…?”

“Leeteuk has a boyfriend.”

Kyuhyun nods at him.

Sungmin is worried because Kyuhyun doesn’t talk much anymore. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t remember when it started. He cupped his hand around Kyuhyun's cheek and turns his head towards him. It’s the first time Sungmin notices how pale Kyuhyun is. “What’s wrong Kyu?”

Kyuhyun shakes his head, “Nothing.” But Sungmin knows it’s not nothing. He knows it can’t be nothing.

“I love you, Sungmin.”

It can’t be nothing.

“Leeteuk, I’m worried.”

Leeteuk looks up from his notes. “About what, Minnie-Chan?”

Before Sungmin can stop himself, the words fly out of his mouth. “Kyuhyun isn’t talking to me anymore.”

Sungmin knows he’s said the wrong thing when Leeteuk's eyes narrow. He picks up his pen, “When did he… stop talking to you, Minnie-Chan?”

Sungmin fiddles with his fingers, “Never mind, Leeteuk-ssi.”

Leeteuk sighs and puts his notes down. “Minnie-Chan, you need to talk to me in order to feel better.”

Sungmin looks out the window. “… Around a week ago, after I told you about Wookie…”

Leeteuk nods and quickly jots down the note. “And what do you two usually talk about?”

Sungmin plays with the leathery material of the lounge chair. “Just stuff… Life.”

Leeteuk nods again. He looks at Sungmin with a sad look this time, “And Minnie-Chan? How long have you been talking to Kyuhyun?”

Sungmin looks at Leeteuk startled. “You know when. I told you I met him in fifth grade-“

“No, Minnie-Chan, how long have you been talking to him since the accident?”

Sungmin's eyes widen, then narrow at Leeteuk. “Kyuhyun's still here. He says he’ll be with me no matter what!”

Leeteuk sighs. “Do you think the reason Kyuhyun won’t talk to you anymore, is because he was never there in the first place?”

When Sungmin comes home, he ignores Kyuhyun reading on the couch and goes to bed.

Moments later, Kyuhyun follows him in. He places his hands on Sungmin's and strokes them softly. Sungmin pulls away though. He curls into himself and closes his eyes. The room is silent, save Kyuhyun shuffling into the covers. He hugs Sungmin from behind and nuzzles his neck.

Sungmin shakes at the feeling. He bites his lips when he feels tears at his eyes. “You’re real, right?”

Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything, but Sungmin feels him stiffen. He turns around and cups Kyuhyun's cheeks, “You won’t leave me, right?”

Kyuhyun looks into Sungmin's eyes. He looks sad. “Sungmin…”

“Don’t leave, Kyuhyun.”

Kyuhyun cups Sungmin's neck and brings him closer, “I won’t leave.”

And then Kyuhyun kisses him, just like before, when they first got together and nothing really mattered.

It was the first time in a while- since the incident- that he had been kissed like that, mouth open, all tongue and teeth and passion.

Sungmin moans and rolls over on top of Kyuhyun, hands tangling in his hair as he kisses him deeper.

Sungmin knows that something is wrong when Kyuhyun doesn’t touch him. He moves his hands down Kyuhyun's body, only to have them restrained in Kyuhyun's. He breaks away from the kiss and looks at Kyuhyun with tears in his eyes. “Why won’t you let me touch you?” He cries.

Kyuhyun looks at him with sad eyes and pushes him into a seating position. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, and then he starts to get up. Sungmin grabs Kyuhyun by the wrist and the other looks at him wearily. “Don’t go.”

Kyuhyun leans over to kiss Sungmin on the forehead. “I’m not.”

Sungmin's hands shake as he pulls Kyuhyun down again, kissing his neck. Kyuhyun pulls away though. “Please, don’t Sungmin.”

“WHY NOT?!” Sungmin screams, clutching onto Kyuhyun's shirt. “You love me! You always let me before you died!”

Sungmin gasps as he realizes what he said. “Kyuhyun… I-“

Kyuhyun smiles, soft and sad, “I’m glad you finally realized, Sungmin.”

Sungmin cries as Kyuhyun pries his hands from him.

“Don’t go!”

“I won’t.”

Sungmin's eyes screw shut as Kyuhyun kisses him. His cheeks, his forehead, over his eyes, the tip of his nose, and then his lips, chastely.

When he opens his eyes, Kyuhyun is gone. Sungmin doesn’t sleep that night.

“Well don’t you look… tired today.”

Sungmin doesn’t glare at Leeteuk, in fact, he doesn’t react at all. Leeteuk places a concerned hand on Sungmin's shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s a liar.”

“Minnie-Chan…” Leeteuk turns so he can talk to Sungmin eye to eye. Sungmin is crying, the tears just continuously falling.

“Leeteuk-ssi, he’s gone. He left me.”

Leeteuk gives Sungmin a troubled look and pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back as Sungmin cried. “Do you want to talk about it?”

For a while Sungmin only cries against Leeteuk's shoulder. “He told me- he wouldn’t l-leave. Then he- disappeared.” Sungmin gasped out between sobs. “He didn’t come back. He left. He lied.”

Leeteuk pulls Sungmin away from his chest to look him in the eye. He stroked Sungmin's hair as he talked. “Do you think he’d lie to you, Minnie-Chan?” He gave Sungmin a small smile. “You have to believe in the people you love. Even if you can’t see him, I’m sure Kyuhyun will always be with you. In here.” He points at Sungmin's heart. “I’m sure he’ll always watch you, from heaven.”

Sungmin's face screws up and he cries even harder.