I know that there is no staying where I am. Because the foot of the lighthouse is dark.

How aimless the dark is, how chaotic, how unreal to be sitting here waiting for the light to find me, I thought as I looked about this sterile space.

But find me the light did. And as my body sutured itself back together into a whole and steady place I know, ( Read more... )

I reach for the door handle as a normal woman, a woman with a normal life. Then that door opens, creaking on its hinges revealing a long, mellow sunbeam stretching out from the window across the floor.

And then the shadows swing through it like the pendulum of a clock; counting down.

I imagine the destruction of that normal life as more of an ( Read more... )

Here’s an uncomfortable truth; I don’t actually miss Him.

What I miss is the person I so desperately wanted Him to be. And the reality is, He is not that person. And He will never be that person.

So I’m not actually missing out.

Madison

On the road, there is fitness and self-discovery sure, but more importantly, there is also the woman I was destined to be.

Because long after my footprints fade away, maybe I will have inspired a few to reject the easy path, put one foot in front of the other, and come to the same conclusion I did:

Life's good, but it isn't fair. But that doesn't ( Read more... )

It's been 10 trips around the sun without You.

That's the funny thing about time; we can measure it, but we cannot measure loss. And there is no way to measure grief.

We've all heard the saying that time heals all wounds. But with grief, that wound doesn't just heal over and disappear. It doesn't even get any smaller.

And so, as I began to engage ( Read more... )

I think a part of me, the part that is still the small girl I used to be, will always be waiting for You.

Waiting for an apology and waiting to be heard.

But as We walked through those grand doors, with faded memories of grand pianos, I realize it doesn’t matter anymore.

Not really. And maybe it never did.

You were who You needed to be,

to make me ( Read more... )

I’ve come to the end of my rope, but I’ve tied a knot and I’m hanging on.

Are You going to be something else I have to survive?

Instead I say nothing, not that You had asked me to.

I cannot tear out a single page from my past, but I can throw the whole book in the fire.

At the end.

Madison

We stood like sentinels against the thin wrought iron railing. Almost 10 years separating the people We once were, to the people We have since become. There was a sense of irony in that moment I never could have appreciated.

“I remember you,” She whispered.

I smiled. But there was an uncertainty in Her eyes. And I realized that while She may have ( Read more... )

I take a shower. Wash away every trace of yesterday. Of smells. Of weary skin. I get dressed. I make coffee, throw the windows open, let the sun shine through. I hold the cup with two hands and I notice that I can feel the warmth. I still feel warmth.

Now I sit down and get to work. I keep my mind sharp, head on, eyes on the screen and if small ( Read more... )

I’ve spent a thousand decades searching for forgiveness.

So isn't it remarkable?

That my heart is still beating.

Sometimes, if I close my eyes, I can feel it beating, so deeply alive.

Until the feeling slips away on crimson puddles that stain my thoughts.

Madison