♥ ~ *Allison's Book*
Began in 1992 --
To my sweet little Allison, my sunshine.
From your mother.
(If I'm gone when you come into possession of this journal, please read page 20 first.)
Love, Mom
June 2, 1995
1
Allison,
I've decided to keep a diary for you. You do and say so many cute little things and I know I'll forget some of them if I don't write them down. I wish I had started doing this sooner.
You are three years old now and so sweet + precious. You're a very nice little girl. You already say please, thank you, no thank you without beig being told to. You have a wonderful imagination. You have lots of childrens videos. At this time you've been watching the Bugs Bunny Roadrunner Movie alot. You'll come up to me and say "I be Bugs Bunny, and you be Elmer Fudd." One day I said give mommy a kiss and you said, "you're not mommy, you're Elmer Fudd." I said I love you to you and you said, "I love you, too, Elmer Fudd" and you gave me a hug. It was so sweet.
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Your daddy watches you while I work and you two have a good time. He takes you to the playground and the library. He really loves you alot. I took a job working 3 12 hour shifts a week so I could have four days off a week which gives me more time to spend with you.
You like to go to McDonald's alot. We get a happy meal and you eat the french fries and drink the pepsi. I have to eat the burger because you don't like it. I don't know why but you don't want to eat meats or cheese. I hope you'll start eating more foods soon.
I just bought you a swimming pool. We go outside by the carport. You play with pool + hose and draw on the carport cement with your sidewalk chalk.
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You like to play with Baby Dog and most of the time she tolerates it. She's grown to love you. When I first brought you home, she was jealous of you. She wouldn't even look at you. But now she loves you.
Today we went shopping for some summer clothes for you. I bought you three cute short sets, some new socks, and panties. Your potty trained now and you needed more panties.
We also went to Summit Christian School today and dropped off the application and they put your name on the waiting list to get in. There are four children ahead of you but I'm sure you'll get in soon. There's no big hurry. I want you to go to private school because I want you to have the
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best education and I also like the idea that it is a Christian school. I want you to have those values. They will serve you well in life.
I want to give you so much. I try to do the best I can. I hope you know how much I love you. You are the most important thing in my life. The things I used to think were important pale in comparison to the love I feel for you.
I'm going to try to write in this diary frequently. Maybe you will enjoy reading this when you're grown up.
Love,
Your mother
P.S. Mommy has sloppy handwriting. I hope you can read it.
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You've been watching the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and you go around the house pretending the dogs Charlie and Itchy are with you. You bring them pretend food and talk to them. You were taking a bath one night, and I heard you say, "Now stop that, Itchy!" I guess he was in the tub with you.
June 21, 1995
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Today was a rainy day. So we went to the dollar store. I let you pick out four things for 4.00. You like going there and it's not too expensive. Today was my birthday. I told you that it was my birthday and you went in your room and came out with some artificial sunflowers and some toys to give me for a present. You're a very sweet little girl. The movie Pochahantus will be coming out this week. You're anxious to go see it. You've been walking around pretending to be Pochahantus. You ae alot of fun and I enjoy my days off with you. You have the sweetest disposition but you are also able to stand up for yourself and speak up. I hope I'm doing a good job raising you. It isn't easy being a
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parent. Sometimes we make the wrong choices. I worry that I'm not strict enough but at the same time I don't want to be constantly telling you no and reprimanding . It's not easy to find the right balance of love + discipline. I hope I never do anything that will be detrimental to you in the long run. If I do it would not be intentional. One thing I know for sure is that I love you more than anything, and I pray that I do a good job being your mother and that you will have a happy safe life.
Love Mom
Oct 31.
8
I haven't kept up with your diary like I've wanted to. I'm so busy. You just started pre-school last week. You're going to A Little Dude Ranch Pre-school. You seem to like it. You've very smart. You're only 3 ½ and you can count to 20 and you know your ABC's and you know lots of songs and poems. Your Daddy has taught you lots of songs.
You went trick or treating around our neighborhood tonight. You were dressed as a ballerina and I took pictures. You are so cute. You are also a very nice sweet little girl. You are very kind hearted and sensitive. I'm very proud of you.
Love Mommy
11-3-95
9
Today you were at pre-school from 9-3. You can't leave in the morning until you watch Lamb Chops. But you seem to be adjusting to school very well. I think you miss spending all your time with me + Daddy though. But you still have lots of time with us. You still spending 3 nights a week with your dad. This last year you've spent alot of time with your Daddy which has given the both of you a chance to develop a really good close relationship. You love him and he adores you. He really loves you so much and so do I. You are just the nicest sweetest little girl, so smart too. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I thank God for you.
Aug 22 1997
Friday
10
Allison's first day of Kindergarten.
Teacher -- Mrs. Conroy
Wore a floral skort with a blue-green top and your Space Jam sneakers.
Your first day you were excited about using the computer and came home and drew me this picture of a computer.
Monday Aug 23 - 97
11
2nd day of school
Received these stickers for being the best napper.
["You're on the ball!"]
["Keep up the good work"]
["OK"]
Allison has made two new friends, a little girl named Stephanie and a girl name Brittany.
You're attending Wynnbrook Elementary -- the private school is out for now. But Wynnbrook is a very nice little school.
8-28-97
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Favorite place to eat --
Tacho Bell + McDonald's
won't eat the burgers or the tacos, just the fries and nachos chips and the drink. Mainly wants to go for the toys that come with the kids meals.
favorite toys -- dinosaurs
Barbies
toy horses
Baby dolls
loves going to the childrens library with her dad.
June 9th 1998
13
Last day of school
Allison has completed kindergarten. You did very well in school. I'm very happy to have you home with me now though. I missed spending time with you. I saved your report cards and lots of little things you made.
You're friends and classmates are:
Gena, Amber Patches, Amber Sue Bear, Carolina, and Charlotte.
Your "boyfriend" is Victor and Brandon (the little boy who lives next door to your aunt Shelly)
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We have lots of plans for the summer.
Your dad is going to teach you to swim.
I'm going to take you to Universal Studios and Sea World (in Orlando) and if I can afford it we'll go to Disney World too. We're also going to see the new Disney movie "Mullan" which will be out next week. We're going to have alot of fun.
6-16-98
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Allison, you are so smart and wise for a 6 yr old. Today I read you a couple of quotes from a little book I have called Think -- It's a small book with little "wisdom" quotes.
One of the quotes I read was "there are many things I want, but few things I need."
I then asked you if you understood, you said yes, I then asked you "What do you need?"
You answered "I need you (mommy) and Daddy and food and drinks, and
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I need a good home and a roof over my head." I swear you said this without any prompting, that's pretty wise and intelligent an answer for a 6 yr old. You really understood the meaning of it. I'm very proud of you. You're smart, sweet, kind, pretty and strong willed too. You are a very well rounded well adjusted little girl. You love animals, you are thoughful thoughtful but at the same time you are not afraid to stand up for yourself.
There is something I want to explain. I have to work full time to be able to take care of us and keep a roof over our heads and food in our mouths. I work as a nurse and my job is hard and tiring,
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and stressful -- I know sometimes I don't "play" with you enough, I'm here with you, but it's not enough to just be here. I know it's no excuse, but sometimes I'm just so tired. I'm going to really make an effort to spend more time with you doing things with you. Don't misunderstand, I don't "ignore" you, but you are an only child and you get lonely sometimes and need extra attention.
So just remember and forgive me if I'm tired or grouchy, I'm working hard so I can take good care of you and give the things you want. I love you more than
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anything in the world and I want to give you everything, I want you to be happy. You are the most important person in my life. And I'm writing this journal so you will always have it to remember me and our love and our time together.
Love Mommy
XOXOXO
........
♡ Love you Allie
♡ hugs + kisses
dateless -- May 1998?
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There are just so many things to write abourt about you.
You love to draw and color. You spend alort alot of time drawing pictures. You like music, you love to be read to, I read to you alot and you have a very large book collection.
I forgot to make an entry for much of 98.
Your birthday, you got lots of nice toys, but the best gift was Daisy, the kitten. We went to Animal Rescue League and picked out an 8 wk old kitten; she is now 4 moths old and very cute and she is your very own cat, you really love her.
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I'm going to make an effort to make an entry in this journal at least once a month. Someday you'll be grown up and I'll be gone, you will miss me, but you will have this to read and you'll always have my love no matter where I am. I wish my mom had made a journal for me, I think it would have helped me so much after she died. I was only 18 yrs old when my mother died and it was so hard for me. And, some day you will have to go through this pain also, but you'll be ok, just remind yourself how lucky you were to have a mom who loved you so much and remember that I want you to be happy not sad.
I love you Baby.
♡ Mom-
Dec 10 1998
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Well Allie it's almost Christmas again. We have our tree up, it's very pretty. I'm giving you your first computer for Christmas, plus alot of other toys.
You are 6 yrs old (almost 7) you are still the cutest, sweetest, smartest little girl. You gave yourself another haircut 2 wks ago and I had to have 5 inches of your pretty hair cut off to even it up. I really don't know why you like to cut your hair. But your haircut is real cute and I guess we need a good haircut once in a while to get rid of the dead ends.
You are in 1st grade now. Your teacher
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is Mrs Rice, she is a very good teacher, but a little on the strict side, you don't seem to like her that much (to tell you the truth, I don't either), but she is a good teacher, you are already can reading simple books, when I was a child I didn't learn how to read that well until 3rd grade. Your Daddy and I work with you on your words and phonics and read to you and you read to us.
And at this time you are very interested in musicals, especially Jess Jesus Christ Superstar and the Broadway Show CATS, we have the videos and you know all the songs and sing them in the bathtub.
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Lately you have also been asking me for a little brother or sister, and it is hard to explain why that can't happen because a six year old doesn't understand these grown up things. I wish I had been able to give you a sibling and I'm sorry if you feel lonely or that you've missed out because you don't have a brother or sister. I have to work and it is just too hard to be pregnant and work fulltime. Also I'm too old, I'm 43 yrs old! I was I was 36 when I was pregnant for you and I thank God I had you, my life would have been so empty without you. You're such a
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joy to be around.
You are such great company.
But even though you don't have a brother or sister you have Rochelle who you love to pieces, and she adores you. You two will be close. She is one years old now and she is so cute. She loves to chase you around and she laughs + laughs at you. I have got to get a video camera to tape you two. Shelly + Robin made a tape of the two of you at Rochelle's first birthday party and I need to make a copy for you. It's so cute. You also have Korinne and little Kirk. I know Korinne is a bit of a meanie and a bully, but I hope she
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will grow out of that. Maybe we just need to be patient with her and show her a little extra love and maybe she'll be nicer. I think she may be a little jealous of you for some reason, I think she really does love you, I know she's always happy to see you when you guys haven't seen each other in awhile.
One day, after you had spent a couple of days at Korinne's you said to me, "Korinne's mommy doesn't talk sweet to her like you do to me, you know how you tell me I'm pretty and smart and sweet, her mommy doesn't do that." Sometimes you amaze me, you are
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so bright and thoughtful. You notice things. You have a sweet kind little heart and I'm very proud of you. I'm so proud to tell other people you are my daughter.
Love Mommy
March 21st 2000.
27
Well, sweetie, you had your 8th birthday on Saturday. I can't believe you are 8.
You had your first slumber party for your birthday.
Your friends Suzie, Natalie, Victoria, and your cousin Korinne came and boy was it wild. The house looked like a hurricane went thru it in the morning. But you guys had alot of fun.
You had a Pokemon cake and we had pizza coke + chips + ice cream for the party.
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You also got your very first puppy for your birthday -- little Barbie -- and boy is she ever cute.
All in all it was a great 8th birthday.
On the 23rd of this month I have to go to a meeting at your school, they want to put you in the gifted class because you are so brite.
I'm not sure about this, but I'm going to get all
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the information and then decide. You are such a smart pretty girl.
June 4 2000.
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My sweet Allison. I originally planned on writing in this diary for you alot more often than I have but sometimes life is very busy and it's not possible.
Today I wanted to talk about a couple of things that have been worrying me. I love you very much, you are the most important person in the world to me, so I feel guilty and upset when I lose my temper or patience and yell at you. I just want to explain why. Sometimes I'm very tired and stressed out. I have to work hard to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. I also want you to have toys, nice clothes, puppydogs, etc.
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I have health problems serious respiratory problems and sometimes I don't feel well, and I tire easily, but I still have to work, take care of you, and take care of the house and the pets no matter how bad I feel. That is why I'm tired and grouchy sometimes. I'm not trying to make excuses I'm just trying to explain. I don't want to hurt you in any way or make you feel bad but sometimes I just lose patience and yell because I'm tired and stressed.
I worry about bills about being a good parent. I worry too much. I feel guilty because I work too much. I have to. maybe someday when you are grown up you will understand
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that I wok I worked so hard for you. So you could have a home, toys, nice clothes. I always wish I could give you more. I wish I could afford a beautiful house and more of everything for you. But I guess what really counts in life are the things money cannot buy like love and a sweet daughter like you.
When I was growing up we never had money, we didn't have that nice of a house. My dad died when I was 9 yrs old and my mom had never worked in her life (well she did work at home she had 5 children to take care of) so we
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never had money. My mom did the best she could and she was a wonderful mother. I loved her so much. What I'm trying to say is, I think I'm too hung up on working hard to give you as much as I can because when I was little I didn't have these things and I want you to have as much as I can give, I don't want you to go without like I had to. But I think I may be going overboard, I hope I'm not spoiling you and putting to much emphasis on money + things.
So please forgive me for the times I was grouchy and yelled too much, I'm
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sorry for any time I ever hurt you or made you feel bad. I am truly sorry and I love you more than anything in the world.
I also should talk about why your dad and I don't get along. I know you wish you had a "normal" family, you told me this, well not all families are as normal as they seem. And I know it would be nice to live in a home with a mom + dad who love each other and never fight, but it just didn't work out that way for us. I know your dad loves you as much as I do, but he just has too many problems, he is not responsible, he is not capable of taking
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care of anyone else. He can't take care of himself. So sometimes he makes me so angry, he can be selfish, he does not help financially taking care of you and I resent that and get angry at him.
I feel since he does not give me money that he should at least babysit you while I work, but he does not do that half the time which makes me mad. I know you love your dad + and I am not trying to bad mouth him I'm just trying to explain the situation.
I want you to love your daddy and to have a relationship with him. He can't help that he is
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the way he is. His childhood wasn't so great. He had money and things -- but he didn't have enough attention or love. Can you imagine being shipped off to a military boarding school at 5 yrs old, he never lived at home, he lived at school and in the summer he went to camp. No wonder he is so screwed up, he must have been very lonely growing up. So forgive him for his shortcomings. I know that he loves you very much. And I know you are probably the only person in the world who really loves him.
June 2001 --
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As usual I have not kept up with this journal as I intended. Life is busy. Allison, you are now nine years old and I can't believe it, it seems like yesterday when you were just a baby. Now you are a young lady, so smart + intelligent with thoughts + ideas of your own about life. You are outgoing and have alot of friends.
(You are not shy like I was was when I was your age and I'm glad to see that.) You are smart, quick, and confident. You are a little on the lazy side which I think is my fault because I have always done things for you instead of making you do it yourself, but we are working on that, in fact
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just today we talked about and set up an allowence system. We made a list of things you must do to earn 10.00 a week allowence. and we'll see how it works. I want to teach you about being responsible with money, earning money and most important saving money. No one ever taught me anything about managing money and I wish someone had. ★ #1 You must put away a small amount of every paycheck to save no matter how much many bills you have to pay and how broke you are, even if it's only $10. or $20.00 put it away for a rainy day. There are many rainy days in life. Rule #2
avoipd avoid credit card debt, buying anything on credit card (except for a house or a car) save up for things
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then shop around for the best price.
#3 - Never pay someone else to do what you can do yourself (washing your car, doing your nails, etc.) you can treat yourself once and a while, but use good judgement.
Be knowledgable -- read -- go to the library.
Knowledge is SO valuable, the more you know about anything the more success you will have.
Sept 8th 2004
40
Well so much fortrying to write in this diary every month, my intentions were good.
You are now 12 yrs old and I'm so proud of you. You are so pretty, tall + slender, you are also so smart + talented. You were talented enough to be accepted into the School of the Arts. 1200 kids auditioned for 400 spaces and you were one of those 400 picked, and that's something to be proud of. I just wish you were better at getting your homework done. You have never liked doing homework (I hope you can read my writing).
Well you experienced your first hurricane. Hurricane Frances came
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in Saturday morning (Sept 4th).
That stupid storm was only moving at 5mph, it came in and sat on us from Miami to Vero Beach (It was a huge storm) and pounded up with 100mph winds for hours. The worst of the storm was from 12 midnight until Sunday morning and it was scary as hell. We camped out in the hallway and prayed the roof would stay on. The wind was howling, I could hesr hear things hitting the house, very scary. And you fell asleep around 2AM, I couldn't sleep I was too nervous. Our power went out Saturday morning, and now 5 days later we still have no power. But just about everyone in Palm Beach County lost power, as well as the other counties affected by Frances.
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You have been going crazy without your computer + your PS2. But at least the phone works. It's so hot in this house without air conditioning, it's hell. I'll be so happy when FPL gets the power on again.
Carly called Thursday afternoon to tell you she had power, she invited you over and then invited you to spend the night, I of course said yes, I was glad you could spend time somewhere that had AC, a computer, and a PS2, I know you were happy after 4 days of nothing to do.
1-27-05
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When I started this journal I planned to write in it at least once a month but life gets busy and I did not write as much as I wanted to, so I will write much more now.
I want you to know how much I love you, I think you do. I know things have been hard for you since I became sick.
There are so many things I want to tell you and teach you, I hope I have time, so I'm going to put some things in writing in this book.
① Don't bother with people who don't treat you well, if
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a person tu treats you badly or tears you down in any way, dump them, you derserve better, there are lots of nice people out there.
② Don't drink or do drugs, they will only ruin your life.
③ Always put away some money from your paycheck.
Put away 10% (10% of 800$ = $80)
This way you will have a nice savings to fall back on, I wish I had done that.
Please do this, et it is really important.
Money in the bank will give you a feeling of security.
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④ Believe in God.
He is real.
Pray when you need help.
God has answered my prayers and helped me many times in my life.
Please keep my Bible and other books.
They may not seem important to you now, but you will be glad you have them when you are older.
⑤ Never feel guilty about anything you have said to me or not said. Sometimes after people die we tend to beat ourselves up with guilt. Just remember I know that you love me, and I love you and I do not want you feeling guilty or sad, I want you to be happy.
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⑥ Do what you love, don't forget your passions.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in just surviving life, paying the bills, putting food on the table (and we have to do those things!) that we forget to have fun and enjoy life.
⑦ Try to be tolerant of others, that is something I have never been very good at, I wish I were more tolerant.
(Read Desiderata)
⑧ Be happy. We will see each other again soon. I'll be watching over you. And I get to see my mom, I haven't seen her in so long (31 years)
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I wish you and she could have known each other. She would have loved you and you would have loved her. She was a very kind, wise person. She knew how to make people feel good about themselves, you always felt good after talking with her.
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49
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♡♥♡
When I was very little, while my mother was at work and I was away and missing her, I would always look up at the blue sky, because at that time, the entire sky was about my mother.
To my sweet little Allison, my sunshine.
From your mother.
(If I'm gone when you come into possession of this journal, please read page 20 first.)
Love, Mom
June 2, 1995
1
Allison,
I've decided to keep a diary for you. You do and say so many cute little things and I know I'll forget some of them if I don't write them down. I wish I had started doing this sooner.
You are three years old now and so sweet + precious. You're a very nice little girl. You already say please, thank you, no thank you without beig being told to. You have a wonderful imagination. You have lots of childrens videos. At this time you've been watching the Bugs Bunny Roadrunner Movie alot. You'll come up to me and say "I be Bugs Bunny, and you be Elmer Fudd." One day I said give mommy a kiss and you said, "you're not mommy, you're Elmer Fudd." I said I love you to you and you said, "I love you, too, Elmer Fudd" and you gave me a hug. It was so sweet.
2
Your daddy watches you while I work and you two have a good time. He takes you to the playground and the library. He really loves you alot. I took a job working 3 12 hour shifts a week so I could have four days off a week which gives me more time to spend with you.
You like to go to McDonald's alot. We get a happy meal and you eat the french fries and drink the pepsi. I have to eat the burger because you don't like it. I don't know why but you don't want to eat meats or cheese. I hope you'll start eating more foods soon.
I just bought you a swimming pool. We go outside by the carport. You play with pool + hose and draw on the carport cement with your sidewalk chalk.
3
You like to play with Baby Dog and most of the time she tolerates it. She's grown to love you. When I first brought you home, she was jealous of you. She wouldn't even look at you. But now she loves you.
Today we went shopping for some summer clothes for you. I bought you three cute short sets, some new socks, and panties. Your potty trained now and you needed more panties.
We also went to Summit Christian School today and dropped off the application and they put your name on the waiting list to get in. There are four children ahead of you but I'm sure you'll get in soon. There's no big hurry. I want you to go to private school because I want you to have the
4
best education and I also like the idea that it is a Christian school. I want you to have those values. They will serve you well in life.
I want to give you so much. I try to do the best I can. I hope you know how much I love you. You are the most important thing in my life. The things I used to think were important pale in comparison to the love I feel for you.
I'm going to try to write in this diary frequently. Maybe you will enjoy reading this when you're grown up.
Love,
Your mother
P.S. Mommy has sloppy handwriting. I hope you can read it.
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You've been watching the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and you go around the house pretending the dogs Charlie and Itchy are with you. You bring them pretend food and talk to them. You were taking a bath one night, and I heard you say, "Now stop that, Itchy!" I guess he was in the tub with you.
June 21, 1995
6
Today was a rainy day. So we went to the dollar store. I let you pick out four things for 4.00. You like going there and it's not too expensive. Today was my birthday. I told you that it was my birthday and you went in your room and came out with some artificial sunflowers and some toys to give me for a present. You're a very sweet little girl. The movie Pochahantus will be coming out this week. You're anxious to go see it. You've been walking around pretending to be Pochahantus. You ae alot of fun and I enjoy my days off with you. You have the sweetest disposition but you are also able to stand up for yourself and speak up. I hope I'm doing a good job raising you. It isn't easy being a
7
parent. Sometimes we make the wrong choices. I worry that I'm not strict enough but at the same time I don't want to be constantly telling you no and reprimanding . It's not easy to find the right balance of love + discipline. I hope I never do anything that will be detrimental to you in the long run. If I do it would not be intentional. One thing I know for sure is that I love you more than anything, and I pray that I do a good job being your mother and that you will have a happy safe life.
Love Mom
Oct 31.
8
I haven't kept up with your diary like I've wanted to. I'm so busy. You just started pre-school last week. You're going to A Little Dude Ranch Pre-school. You seem to like it. You've very smart. You're only 3 ½ and you can count to 20 and you know your ABC's and you know lots of songs and poems. Your Daddy has taught you lots of songs.
You went trick or treating around our neighborhood tonight. You were dressed as a ballerina and I took pictures. You are so cute. You are also a very nice sweet little girl. You are very kind hearted and sensitive. I'm very proud of you.
Love Mommy
11-3-95
9
Today you were at pre-school from 9-3. You can't leave in the morning until you watch Lamb Chops. But you seem to be adjusting to school very well. I think you miss spending all your time with me + Daddy though. But you still have lots of time with us. You still spending 3 nights a week with your dad. This last year you've spent alot of time with your Daddy which has given the both of you a chance to develop a really good close relationship. You love him and he adores you. He really loves you so much and so do I. You are just the nicest sweetest little girl, so smart too. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I thank God for you.
Aug 22 1997
Friday
10
Allison's first day of Kindergarten.
Teacher -- Mrs. Conroy
Wore a floral skort with a blue-green top and your Space Jam sneakers.
Your first day you were excited about using the computer and came home and drew me this picture of a computer.
Monday Aug 23 - 97
11
2nd day of school
Received these stickers for being the best napper.
["You're on the ball!"]
["Keep up the good work"]
["OK"]
Allison has made two new friends, a little girl named Stephanie and a girl name Brittany.
You're attending Wynnbrook Elementary -- the private school is out for now. But Wynnbrook is a very nice little school.
8-28-97
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Favorite place to eat --
Tacho Bell + McDonald's
won't eat the burgers or the tacos, just the fries and nachos chips and the drink. Mainly wants to go for the toys that come with the kids meals.
favorite toys -- dinosaurs
Barbies
toy horses
Baby dolls
loves going to the childrens library with her dad.
June 9th 1998
13
Last day of school
Allison has completed kindergarten. You did very well in school. I'm very happy to have you home with me now though. I missed spending time with you. I saved your report cards and lots of little things you made.
You're friends and classmates are:
Gena, Amber Patches, Amber Sue Bear, Carolina, and Charlotte.
Your "boyfriend" is Victor and Brandon (the little boy who lives next door to your aunt Shelly)
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We have lots of plans for the summer.
Your dad is going to teach you to swim.
I'm going to take you to Universal Studios and Sea World (in Orlando) and if I can afford it we'll go to Disney World too. We're also going to see the new Disney movie "Mullan" which will be out next week. We're going to have alot of fun.
6-16-98
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Allison, you are so smart and wise for a 6 yr old. Today I read you a couple of quotes from a little book I have called Think -- It's a small book with little "wisdom" quotes.
One of the quotes I read was "there are many things I want, but few things I need."
I then asked you if you understood, you said yes, I then asked you "What do you need?"
You answered "I need you (mommy) and Daddy and food and drinks, and
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I need a good home and a roof over my head." I swear you said this without any prompting, that's pretty wise and intelligent an answer for a 6 yr old. You really understood the meaning of it. I'm very proud of you. You're smart, sweet, kind, pretty and strong willed too. You are a very well rounded well adjusted little girl. You love animals, you are thoughful thoughtful but at the same time you are not afraid to stand up for yourself.
There is something I want to explain. I have to work full time to be able to take care of us and keep a roof over our heads and food in our mouths. I work as a nurse and my job is hard and tiring,
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and stressful -- I know sometimes I don't "play" with you enough, I'm here with you, but it's not enough to just be here. I know it's no excuse, but sometimes I'm just so tired. I'm going to really make an effort to spend more time with you doing things with you. Don't misunderstand, I don't "ignore" you, but you are an only child and you get lonely sometimes and need extra attention.
So just remember and forgive me if I'm tired or grouchy, I'm working hard so I can take good care of you and give the things you want. I love you more than
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anything in the world and I want to give you everything, I want you to be happy. You are the most important person in my life. And I'm writing this journal so you will always have it to remember me and our love and our time together.
Love Mommy
XOXOXO
........
♡ Love you Allie
♡ hugs + kisses
dateless -- May 1998?
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There are just so many things to write abourt about you.
You love to draw and color. You spend alort alot of time drawing pictures. You like music, you love to be read to, I read to you alot and you have a very large book collection.
I forgot to make an entry for much of 98.
Your birthday, you got lots of nice toys, but the best gift was Daisy, the kitten. We went to Animal Rescue League and picked out an 8 wk old kitten; she is now 4 moths old and very cute and she is your very own cat, you really love her.
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I'm going to make an effort to make an entry in this journal at least once a month. Someday you'll be grown up and I'll be gone, you will miss me, but you will have this to read and you'll always have my love no matter where I am. I wish my mom had made a journal for me, I think it would have helped me so much after she died. I was only 18 yrs old when my mother died and it was so hard for me. And, some day you will have to go through this pain also, but you'll be ok, just remind yourself how lucky you were to have a mom who loved you so much and remember that I want you to be happy not sad.
I love you Baby.
♡ Mom-
Dec 10 1998
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Well Allie it's almost Christmas again. We have our tree up, it's very pretty. I'm giving you your first computer for Christmas, plus alot of other toys.
You are 6 yrs old (almost 7) you are still the cutest, sweetest, smartest little girl. You gave yourself another haircut 2 wks ago and I had to have 5 inches of your pretty hair cut off to even it up. I really don't know why you like to cut your hair. But your haircut is real cute and I guess we need a good haircut once in a while to get rid of the dead ends.
You are in 1st grade now. Your teacher
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is Mrs Rice, she is a very good teacher, but a little on the strict side, you don't seem to like her that much (to tell you the truth, I don't either), but she is a good teacher, you are already can reading simple books, when I was a child I didn't learn how to read that well until 3rd grade. Your Daddy and I work with you on your words and phonics and read to you and you read to us.
And at this time you are very interested in musicals, especially Jess Jesus Christ Superstar and the Broadway Show CATS, we have the videos and you know all the songs and sing them in the bathtub.
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Lately you have also been asking me for a little brother or sister, and it is hard to explain why that can't happen because a six year old doesn't understand these grown up things. I wish I had been able to give you a sibling and I'm sorry if you feel lonely or that you've missed out because you don't have a brother or sister. I have to work and it is just too hard to be pregnant and work fulltime. Also I'm too old, I'm 43 yrs old! I was I was 36 when I was pregnant for you and I thank God I had you, my life would have been so empty without you. You're such a
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joy to be around.
You are such great company.
But even though you don't have a brother or sister you have Rochelle who you love to pieces, and she adores you. You two will be close. She is one years old now and she is so cute. She loves to chase you around and she laughs + laughs at you. I have got to get a video camera to tape you two. Shelly + Robin made a tape of the two of you at Rochelle's first birthday party and I need to make a copy for you. It's so cute. You also have Korinne and little Kirk. I know Korinne is a bit of a meanie and a bully, but I hope she
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will grow out of that. Maybe we just need to be patient with her and show her a little extra love and maybe she'll be nicer. I think she may be a little jealous of you for some reason, I think she really does love you, I know she's always happy to see you when you guys haven't seen each other in awhile.
One day, after you had spent a couple of days at Korinne's you said to me, "Korinne's mommy doesn't talk sweet to her like you do to me, you know how you tell me I'm pretty and smart and sweet, her mommy doesn't do that." Sometimes you amaze me, you are
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so bright and thoughtful. You notice things. You have a sweet kind little heart and I'm very proud of you. I'm so proud to tell other people you are my daughter.
Love Mommy
March 21st 2000.
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Well, sweetie, you had your 8th birthday on Saturday. I can't believe you are 8.
You had your first slumber party for your birthday.
Your friends Suzie, Natalie, Victoria, and your cousin Korinne came and boy was it wild. The house looked like a hurricane went thru it in the morning. But you guys had alot of fun.
You had a Pokemon cake and we had pizza coke + chips + ice cream for the party.
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You also got your very first puppy for your birthday -- little Barbie -- and boy is she ever cute.
All in all it was a great 8th birthday.
On the 23rd of this month I have to go to a meeting at your school, they want to put you in the gifted class because you are so brite.
I'm not sure about this, but I'm going to get all
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the information and then decide. You are such a smart pretty girl.
June 4 2000.
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My sweet Allison. I originally planned on writing in this diary for you alot more often than I have but sometimes life is very busy and it's not possible.
Today I wanted to talk about a couple of things that have been worrying me. I love you very much, you are the most important person in the world to me, so I feel guilty and upset when I lose my temper or patience and yell at you. I just want to explain why. Sometimes I'm very tired and stressed out. I have to work hard to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. I also want you to have toys, nice clothes, puppydogs, etc.
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I have health problems serious respiratory problems and sometimes I don't feel well, and I tire easily, but I still have to work, take care of you, and take care of the house and the pets no matter how bad I feel. That is why I'm tired and grouchy sometimes. I'm not trying to make excuses I'm just trying to explain. I don't want to hurt you in any way or make you feel bad but sometimes I just lose patience and yell because I'm tired and stressed.
I worry about bills about being a good parent. I worry too much. I feel guilty because I work too much. I have to. maybe someday when you are grown up you will understand
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that I wok I worked so hard for you. So you could have a home, toys, nice clothes. I always wish I could give you more. I wish I could afford a beautiful house and more of everything for you. But I guess what really counts in life are the things money cannot buy like love and a sweet daughter like you.
When I was growing up we never had money, we didn't have that nice of a house. My dad died when I was 9 yrs old and my mom had never worked in her life (well she did work at home she had 5 children to take care of) so we
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never had money. My mom did the best she could and she was a wonderful mother. I loved her so much. What I'm trying to say is, I think I'm too hung up on working hard to give you as much as I can because when I was little I didn't have these things and I want you to have as much as I can give, I don't want you to go without like I had to. But I think I may be going overboard, I hope I'm not spoiling you and putting to much emphasis on money + things.
So please forgive me for the times I was grouchy and yelled too much, I'm
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sorry for any time I ever hurt you or made you feel bad. I am truly sorry and I love you more than anything in the world.
I also should talk about why your dad and I don't get along. I know you wish you had a "normal" family, you told me this, well not all families are as normal as they seem. And I know it would be nice to live in a home with a mom + dad who love each other and never fight, but it just didn't work out that way for us. I know your dad loves you as much as I do, but he just has too many problems, he is not responsible, he is not capable of taking
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care of anyone else. He can't take care of himself. So sometimes he makes me so angry, he can be selfish, he does not help financially taking care of you and I resent that and get angry at him.
I feel since he does not give me money that he should at least babysit you while I work, but he does not do that half the time which makes me mad. I know you love your dad + and I am not trying to bad mouth him I'm just trying to explain the situation.
I want you to love your daddy and to have a relationship with him. He can't help that he is
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the way he is. His childhood wasn't so great. He had money and things -- but he didn't have enough attention or love. Can you imagine being shipped off to a military boarding school at 5 yrs old, he never lived at home, he lived at school and in the summer he went to camp. No wonder he is so screwed up, he must have been very lonely growing up. So forgive him for his shortcomings. I know that he loves you very much. And I know you are probably the only person in the world who really loves him.
June 2001 --
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As usual I have not kept up with this journal as I intended. Life is busy. Allison, you are now nine years old and I can't believe it, it seems like yesterday when you were just a baby. Now you are a young lady, so smart + intelligent with thoughts + ideas of your own about life. You are outgoing and have alot of friends.
(You are not shy like I was was when I was your age and I'm glad to see that.) You are smart, quick, and confident. You are a little on the lazy side which I think is my fault because I have always done things for you instead of making you do it yourself, but we are working on that, in fact
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just today we talked about and set up an allowence system. We made a list of things you must do to earn 10.00 a week allowence. and we'll see how it works. I want to teach you about being responsible with money, earning money and most important saving money. No one ever taught me anything about managing money and I wish someone had. ★ #1 You must put away a small amount of every paycheck to save no matter how much many bills you have to pay and how broke you are, even if it's only $10. or $20.00 put it away for a rainy day. There are many rainy days in life. Rule #2
avoipd avoid credit card debt, buying anything on credit card (except for a house or a car) save up for things
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then shop around for the best price.
#3 - Never pay someone else to do what you can do yourself (washing your car, doing your nails, etc.) you can treat yourself once and a while, but use good judgement.
Be knowledgable -- read -- go to the library.
Knowledge is SO valuable, the more you know about anything the more success you will have.
Sept 8th 2004
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Well so much fortrying to write in this diary every month, my intentions were good.
You are now 12 yrs old and I'm so proud of you. You are so pretty, tall + slender, you are also so smart + talented. You were talented enough to be accepted into the School of the Arts. 1200 kids auditioned for 400 spaces and you were one of those 400 picked, and that's something to be proud of. I just wish you were better at getting your homework done. You have never liked doing homework (I hope you can read my writing).
Well you experienced your first hurricane. Hurricane Frances came
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in Saturday morning (Sept 4th).
That stupid storm was only moving at 5mph, it came in and sat on us from Miami to Vero Beach (It was a huge storm) and pounded up with 100mph winds for hours. The worst of the storm was from 12 midnight until Sunday morning and it was scary as hell. We camped out in the hallway and prayed the roof would stay on. The wind was howling, I could hesr hear things hitting the house, very scary. And you fell asleep around 2AM, I couldn't sleep I was too nervous. Our power went out Saturday morning, and now 5 days later we still have no power. But just about everyone in Palm Beach County lost power, as well as the other counties affected by Frances.
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You have been going crazy without your computer + your PS2. But at least the phone works. It's so hot in this house without air conditioning, it's hell. I'll be so happy when FPL gets the power on again.
Carly called Thursday afternoon to tell you she had power, she invited you over and then invited you to spend the night, I of course said yes, I was glad you could spend time somewhere that had AC, a computer, and a PS2, I know you were happy after 4 days of nothing to do.
1-27-05
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When I started this journal I planned to write in it at least once a month but life gets busy and I did not write as much as I wanted to, so I will write much more now.
I want you to know how much I love you, I think you do. I know things have been hard for you since I became sick.
There are so many things I want to tell you and teach you, I hope I have time, so I'm going to put some things in writing in this book.
① Don't bother with people who don't treat you well, if
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a person tu treats you badly or tears you down in any way, dump them, you derserve better, there are lots of nice people out there.
② Don't drink or do drugs, they will only ruin your life.
③ Always put away some money from your paycheck.
Put away 10% (10% of 800$ = $80)
This way you will have a nice savings to fall back on, I wish I had done that.
Please do this, et it is really important.
Money in the bank will give you a feeling of security.
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④ Believe in God.
He is real.
Pray when you need help.
God has answered my prayers and helped me many times in my life.
Please keep my Bible and other books.
They may not seem important to you now, but you will be glad you have them when you are older.
⑤ Never feel guilty about anything you have said to me or not said. Sometimes after people die we tend to beat ourselves up with guilt. Just remember I know that you love me, and I love you and I do not want you feeling guilty or sad, I want you to be happy.
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⑥ Do what you love, don't forget your passions.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in just surviving life, paying the bills, putting food on the table (and we have to do those things!) that we forget to have fun and enjoy life.
⑦ Try to be tolerant of others, that is something I have never been very good at, I wish I were more tolerant.
(Read Desiderata)
⑧ Be happy. We will see each other again soon. I'll be watching over you. And I get to see my mom, I haven't seen her in so long (31 years)
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I wish you and she could have known each other. She would have loved you and you would have loved her. She was a very kind, wise person. She knew how to make people feel good about themselves, you always felt good after talking with her.
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♡♥♡
When I was very little, while my mother was at work and I was away and missing her, I would always look up at the blue sky, because at that time, the entire sky was about my mother.