Comments | gwenivere: The Survivor Effect

gwenivere

The Survivor Effect

Feb 25, 2008 12:27

February 15th & 16th my mom, Cari and I went to a TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminar in Lansing. It is designed to get survivors of military losses together to not feel so alone.... that's not really a good way to put it .... to talk about topics brought up by a moderator and compare stories and talk to people who may have an ( Read more... )

michelle, alex, mom

Comments 8

jupiter29 February 25 2008, 20:32:51 UTC

I'm glad you guys went to the program, I hope it will be very helpful for you. Don't worry about your story being different than many of theirs, I'm sure the keys parts of what you are feeling are the same. And as your post suggests, sometimes just the ability to talk things out helps. That's why these groups exist, not because somebody is going to magically have the solution to all your problems. :)

I've never lost anybody the way you have, so I can't exactly say I understand. But I can definitely see how it would impact your thinking on a day-to-day level. Talking through your feelings, I hope, will help with a lot of that. And all of it is normal, and you just have to keep reminding yourself of that.

If you ever feel like talking, don't be afraid to shoot me an email or whatever. I have no wonderful secrets about life, I must admit, but I'm always around. :)

gwenivere February 29 2008, 18:37:59 UTC

Thanks so much for the continued support! I know that a lot of people have a hard time hearing it so it's nice when people openly say they're willing to listen!

jupiter29 February 29 2008, 21:42:00 UTC

You're very welcome, my dear. (*hugs*) <-- If that's not out of line? :)

anonymous February 27 2008, 21:55:35 UTC

Unfortunately knowing it is normal doesn't make the pain or the panic go away.

Mommawolf

gwenivere February 29 2008, 18:38:47 UTC

See, once you admit something like that, they should give you a get out of jail free card concerning the pain and panic :) That's my thoughts on it!

super_kay February 29 2008, 04:29:09 UTC

While I understand that losing loved ones may give you a strong need to keep those who are still with you close, I think it's also important to consider that these people are independant and have lives of their own. It may be hard, but try to be understanding and give some breathing room to Michelle. She's your friend. She's not going anywhere. She's stood by you through everything. You've lost a loved one recently, and she has just lost a loved one. This is the time for you both to support each other, step into each other's shoes and see where you're each coming from.

I'm glad to hear you all went to the TAPS seminar, it seems like that would be helpful in the healing process. *Hugs*.

gwenivere February 29 2008, 19:56:30 UTC

The way that you say it is that I make her report into me everyday. This isn't the case at all. I very rarely know where she is outside of work; whether she's volunteering, grocery shopping, at the movies, or some place else. We barely hang out - she is independent and has a life of her own. But to be concerned for a friend - even if I hadn't had this happen to me - I don't feel is wrong. Yelling at her may have been. But I do also expect that as she is my friend that she would be willing to at least attempt to help reduce the stress that I have over stuff like that. My other option is to be cold and emotionally unattached and not give a shit if something happened to somebody I care about. Either I shut down and don't care about anything or I allow myself to care and my FRIENDS try to understand. That's how I was when I had to deal with multiple deaths over a very short period of time - I just shut down and paid for it later. I'm fighting that all of the time right now. It's easy to push people away. It's easy to avoid ( ... )

super_kay March 1 2008, 18:34:59 UTC

Your friends haven't been as supportive as they could be because they don't understand. Period. They don't understand how something like this can continue through an entire lifetime, and they don't understand how much support you need. And most of them are not capable of giving the amount of support you need. Dealing with a death is painful for EVERYONE involved, and for those not directly involved, they need a break sometimes. They need to pretend everything's okay so they can function in their own lives. A grieving friend is draining, and very few people are equipped to handle that type of thing. It's why many friendships and relationships deteriorate when one person experiences something catastrophic. Friends and family cannot be faulted for not being supportive enough because they just are not able to handle that amount of pain. They shut down. It's why support groups and TAPS form, because they CAN provide the understanding that grieving people need ( ... )