Lost then Found 3/15
Chapter 3:
Two days later Kurt walked into his apartment with two grocery
bags of food. It was the night he was supposed to meet Lance for the
first time, and he was cooking for Lance, Dave, and himself.
Dave was busy getting ready. Kurt smiled as Dave worked on putting on a tie and putting cufflinks on.
Kurt teased him,
“You look nice, Dave. Have a hot date tonight?”
“Shut up. I just want to look nice. I haven’t seen Lance in almost two weeks.”
“I’m kidding, Dave. You do like nice, though. Here, let me help you with your tie.”
Kurt moved in closer and adjusted the tie so it lay flat on
Dave’s chest. Suddenly he felt the air get thicker and his heart speed
up. He was suddenly very aware of Dave and how close he was to him.
For some reason his mind went back to their junior year of
college. It was right before finals and they went out to celebrate their
friend Sera and Josh getting engaged. They were both hammered as they
walked back to campus singing songs at the top of their lungs. Kurt
stumbled and Dave caught him.
The next thing he knew they were making out, and not kissing like
a peck on the lips like best friends would do, but tongues in each
other’s mouths and hands in each other’s hair and exchanging spit,
kissing. Kurt’s body was responding and moving faster than his mind
could work under the alcohol induced haze.
He tugged on Dave’s bottom lip with his teeth and heard Dave’s low and guttural moan.
For some reason the sound snapped Kurt out of it.
He stepped back quickly and pressed himself against the wall of the ally they were walking through.
“What the hell was that?”
“I don’t know. You tell me. I kept you from falling and then you attacked me.”
“No, I think I just fell into you.”
“So, you’re saying you tripped and somehow managed to have your tongue fall into my mouth?”
“Maybe I was just saying thanks.”
“That’s not how friends say thank you, Kurt.”
“I don’t know, Dave. Okay? I don’t know. It was a mistake,
though. I love you, but not like that. I think it was just the alcohol.”
“Okay. So we’ll just forget about it and pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Yeah. We’re better off as friends anyways. and I don’t think we’re really each other’s type.”
“Oh, right. How stupid of me. You don’t dig on chubby, sweat guys who will be bald by the time their 30.”
With that Dave started walking.
Kurt had wanted to apologize, but he was still really confused
about the kiss. It’s not that it wasn’t enjoyable and he had initiated
it if he really stopped and thought about it. But, he wasn’t ready for a
relationship especially not so soon after breaking up with Blaine. He
did feel really bad about the “not your type” thing because honestly,
Dave really was his type. Big, muscly, hot, and into sports. The thought
of a man being able to pick him up with ease, and maybe rough him up a
little bit, but still be able to be gentle and tender at the same time,
that was his perfect guy. He flushed as an image of Dave with no shirt
on and muscles rippling popped into his head. Yeah, Dave was gorgeous,
but he shouldn’t go there, knowing he wasn’t looking for anything but a
one-night stand. Dave deserved better.
Dave asked him if was okay, cause he was looking a bit flushed and Kurt said he was fine.
They walked in silence the rest of the way back to the dorms and they never spoke of it again.
Kurt shook his head and tried to get that memory out of his mind.
He couldn’t figure out why he was having that particular memory now.
Dave was getting married to Lance, and he was going to be Dave’s best
man. He shouldn’t be lusting after his best friend, especially now after
all these years.
He stepped back, and patted Dave on his enormously sculpted rock hard chest.
“Well you look great. I’m going to start on the food. Could you
go down to the corner market and get a few bottles of wine for tonight?
Ask Louis at the front desk for directions.”
“Sure. Anything else you need to get while I’m out?”
Kurt was half tempted to say, ‘Well if you could find a duplicate of yourself for me to marry, then yes’.
Kurt blushed crimson red as the thought popped into his head.
“No, just get some wine, and maybe a few snack foods for when we have our movie night.”
“Alright, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Dave left, and Kurt sighed and slumped down at the kitchen table.
He needed to talk someone about this, because he was going to lose his
mind if he didn’t. He wanted to talk to Mercedes, but she was on an
anniversary trip with Azimio. He still couldn’t believe they had ended
up together, and his understudy Patrick had said if he called him one
more time to complain about his one night stands or his love life, he
was going to put Nair in his favorite body lotion.
So he called the one person who he knew he could rely on.
“Hey, sweetie, what’s up?”
“Not much, just cooking dinner for Dave and his fiance, Lance.”
“Do I detect some bitterness in your voice, Kurt?”
“Maybe a little. It’s just so random. I mean Dave shows up after
not having seen me for four months and drops the bomb that he’s getting
married and wants me to be the best man. I mean he could have told me he
was seeing someone, but he just shows up and bam, I’m getting married.”
“He did tell you, Kurt. I was with Finn the night you called to
ask Burt about how to unplug a toilet. Finn told you that Dave was
seeing a guy from the school and you said, “Oh that’s nice.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. Then you said, ‘Oh my gosh. You mean I have to stick my
hand in the actual toilet?’ And then you sighed and said, ‘I should just
ask Pete to do this’, and then hung up.”
“Oh, yeah I remember that night, but I don’t remember Finn telling me that.”
“That is because you are often in your own little world and don’t hear what people tell you.”
“Okay, so I guess technically I was told. But still, he should have told me.”
“Really, when should Dave have told you? The weekend you were
supposed to come into town to see Finn and Dave get their commendations
from the city, and then cancelled because you wanted to audition to play
a 12 year old? Or maybe it was the makeup weekend you said you were
going to come and spend the entire day with Dave and you two would drive
to Columbus for shopping, because he wanted to make you happy, but you
called and said there was a marathon of Project Runway and your latest
crush wanted to watch it, and you were convinced he was the love of your
life, so you cancelled yet again? You are flaky, Kurt Hummel. Dave was
going to tell you both times, and you kept cancelling on him. And now
here he is engaged and getting married, and he finally had to tell you.
So, there he is in New York City, telling you.”
“See, this is why I don’t like calling you. You always make me feel bad.”
“Why, because I’m the only one who will tell you the truth?”
“I guess. I just, I feel…I don’t know. Stupid. Bad.”
“Why?”
“If I tell you this, you have to promise to never tell anyone. Especially Finn or Dave.”
“Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Spill it.”
“I have been having these really weird flashes of memory of
things that have happened with Dave, where we were close to becoming
more than friends.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I keep thinking about the times I’ve kissed Dave or he’s kissed
me and then I had a dream about him, and it was confusing and really
weird. And now, every time I’m around him, I get flustered and weirded
out.”
“So, you’re saying you had a wet dream about Dave and now you can’t stop thinking about him.”
“I guess.”
“And your problem is?”
“The fact that I’m having these weird thoughts about him, and he’s getting married.”
“It’s really not that weird. Your best friend is getting married
and you’re processing through it. You’re no longer going to be the most
important person in his life anymore. Now, he’s going to have a husband.
It’s natural for people to grieve over it.”
“I’m not grieving over that fact that Dave is getting married.”
“Okay well let me ask you this. You say you have thoughts about
Dave of a sexual and romantic nature. Do you have feelings though? When
you think of these thoughts, do they just weird and gross you out and
you push them aside, or do you linger over them and let yourself wonder
what it would be like to be with him?”
“I guess the latter.”
“So, you do have feelings that are of a sexual and romantic nature for Dave?”
“I don’t know. I never thought I did. I mean, we’ve kissed in the
past and we both wondered what it would be like to date, but we never
acted on it. I just was never ready for a relationship with another man
after Blaine.”
“Except you ended up having a nine year relationship with Dave.”
“But it wasn’t romantic or sexual.”
“So, if Dave had ever said to you, I want to sleep with you, you would have said no?”
“That’s a moot point. It never happened.”
“Kurt. What you fail to realize is that just because you never
acted on your feelings, doesn’t mean they don’t or did not exist.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You have feelings for Dave that are not simply platonic. You may
have acted on them a few times, and then the rest of those 9 years you
hid them, because you were afraid or the time wasn’t right, or whatever.
But they were there, they still are there, and they are unresolved. So
I’m guessing when you were suddenly made aware that you no longer have
an opportunity to act on those feelings, they came rushing to the
forefront, blaring at you.”
“I guess…”
“And now those feelings are making themselves known to you,
because you spent so many years repressing them. But now, you have to
deal with them because if you don’t, you could end up not only hurting
Dave, but yourself, and ruining a nine year friendship you have built
with him.”
“I’m not going to act on them, I mean, I’m not stupid. He loves Lance.”
“So you understand he’s in love with someone else?”
“Yeah. I get it. He talks about it enough.”’
“Why are you angry about that?”
“I’m not angry.”
“You sure sound like it.”
“I don’t know. It’s stupid. I feel jealous. I don’t even know why. It’s not like he and I were ever anything.”
“Except though in your heart and subconscious, those feelings
were there, and now they’re letting you know that you do care if Dave
marries Lance, and that you are jealous of Lance because he has Dave’s
heart and you don’t.”
“Are you saying I’m in love with Dave?”
“I’m not saying anything. But your heart is.”
“My heart is telling me I’m an idiot.”
“Why are you an idiot?”
“Because I fell in love with a man and never told him, and now
he’s marrying someone who has a ton of money and is apparently perfect
for him.”
“Well, at least you finally admitted you are in love with him.”
“Shut up. You’re a terrible therapist.”
“You should be glad I’m not charging you for this.”
“Oh my gosh. I’m in love with Dave. That’s not good. What do I do? How do I act around him? “
“Do what you’ve always done. Be his friend. It’s clear you can do
that, and it’s clear you can bury your romantic feelings for him as you
have for this long. Be Dave’s friend, support him, even if you don’t
feel like it, and when he smiles at you, smile back.”
“Will the pain ever go away?”
“I think it will when you’re ready to grieve over the loss.”
“What loss?”
“The idea that you and Dave could have had a relationship, the
not knowing what being with him was like. When you are finally ready to
let those ideals go and actually live your life in the here and now, I
think you’ll find that you’ll be ready to face the world and you’ll
chalk that loss up to a lesson learned in life. You might even find that
love that you’ve been searching for, even though you’re too chicken
shit to realize it.”
“Seriously, what the hell kind of therapist curses at their patients?”
“You’re my friend, Kurt. Not my patient. “
“And you’re a really good one and a good therapist too. You’ve given me a lot to think about. “
“Well, I’m glad that you’re finally listening.”
“Bye, Satan.”
“Bye, Porcelain.”
Kurt hung up the phone. Santana, was of course, right. He
couldn’t blame her for painting the clear picture. She had gone to
school at Bowling Green State University, and had graduated with a
bachelor’s in psychology, and had just finished her master’s in
Psychology from Ohio State. She was now working full-time at a firm
where she dealt with primarily teenagers struggling. After she had
finally come out midway through school, she and Brittany had embarked on
a relationship, and they were now married with two dogs, four cats, and
a potbellied pig. He had always admired Santana’s and Brittany’s
relationship Despite living in Lima, and it being a very conservative
town, they were still very happy, and lived a calm and peaceful life.
He wanted that. And truthfully he did want it with Dave. He
wanted to be able to come home after a long day of auditioning and Dave
had cooked dinner or ordered something, and just eat and relax with
someone you knew loved you and cared about you. He loved Dave, he really
did. The first time he realized how much he loved Dave was the
afternoon their sophomore year in college, when Dave had left hockey
practice after some kid had spouted off homophobic crap about his best
friend. Dave took him on and three of his friends. Kurt had gotten a
call while he was at the library studying, to get over to the student
health center. He walked in and found Dave with three busted ribs, a
split lip and a black eye. He had needed stitches around the eye, and
had broken his hand. Kurt freaked out and insisted on taking care of
Dave. At that moment, Kurt realized that Dave was unlike any other
person he had ever known. He had gotten himself beaten up because he had
stood up for Kurt. Kurt had kissed him lightly on the lips while he was
lying in the bed, and even though Dave had been so injured and high on
pain medicine, he smiled anyway.
He didn’t really know the day he fell in love with him, but it
was probably the day he was working his part-time on campus job at the
library. He worked in the restricted section, where usually only
professors and students with obscure minors and needs came, so he had
free time to himself to read or do whatever he wanted.
He had one co-worker named Jen, who constantly got flowers from
her drop dead gorgeous boyfriend, and she would gush and giggle and then
go around the library showing them off and Kurt hated it. Well
truthfully, he was just jealous, but he had gone to Dave’s that evening
after he got off work to make him some stuffed bell peppers. He
mentioned to Dave, that one day, when he finally found the perfect guy,
he wanted him to send him flowers at his work place, just so he could
show them off and gush about how perfect his boyfriend was.
Dave told him if he wanted flowers that badly he could go to the school sign and take them.
Kurt got pissy and pouted the rest of the night, until Dave let him watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers yet again.
Two weeks later, there was a gorgeous bouquet delivered to Kurt at the library with a card that said simply,
“Even though I’m not your boyfriend, I still think you deserve flowers just because- D”.
Of course, Kurt was shocked and excited and he spent the entire
day gushing to Jen and his other co-workers about how great his best
friend was.
Jen asked if he was sure Dave was just a friend, but Kurt brushed it off.
That night, he had rushed to Dave’s and threw himself at him and
hugged and kissed his face until Dave was squirming and telling Kurt to
let go of him.
It was a bit awkward that night, but Kurt loved those flowers and
when they died, he dried them and pressed them between some of his
favorite books.
Kurt still had the flowers in his apartment all those years later
as a reminder of the best surprise and best flowers he had ever
received.
Life had been easy with Dave. For four years they had acted as
boyfriends and it was enough for Kurt. He got to see Dave every day, and
cook dinner for him and watch movies with him.
And Dave would fix things in his dorm room, and built him a book
case when he ran out of room, and gave him a practice jersey for him to
wear when Kurt went to his games to cheer him on.
It was comfortable and it was nice, and Kurt relied on it.
So when they had graduated and Kurt decided New York was it for
him, and Dave had decided that the Police Academy was the right fit,
they hugged goodbye and promised to call and email and stay in touch.
For the most part they had, too. Kurt would call Dave after a rough
audition, and Dave would call to complain about how incompetent Finn
was, and it was perfect.
But then Kurt got busy with going to casting calls and auditions,
and then he met a group of other young actors also trying to make it
big and he had a new set of friends to hang out with. and Kurt and Dave
slowly but surely had less and less contact with each other, until it
was one phone call a week and a few emails here and there. Then it was a
phone call every two weeks, until it was an email once every two weeks
and a phone call once a month.
And They visited when they could, and it was like they had never
been apart, but truthfully they had lost contact and Kurt felt like it
was mostly his fault. He had moved on with a new group of friends and
he had blamed Dave for being stagnant and refusing to leave Lima. He was
actually jealous of Dave. Dave was happy where he was, and regardless
of who he was with. He liked Lima, he loved being a police officer, and
he didn’t need the world to make him happy. Kurt felt lame for feeling
like he needed something more than Lima, to prove to the world he wasn’t
just anyone. He was Kurt fucking Hummel, and he was extraordinary.
Dave had gone to see him two years before, and they had gone to
see ‘Les Miserables’ in its revival, then to a wonderful dinner and a
carriage ride through Central Park at night. Kurt was telling Dave how
much he loved New York City, how it was the one place he felt like he
was himself, and that he could never imagine being happy anywhere else.
Dave asked him if he ever missed Ohio and the people he had left behind,
and Kurt said he didn’t miss Ohio, but he did miss his friends and
family. There was no doubt, though, New York was his new home and he
could find new friends.
Dave was scheduled to leave the next morning, and as he was
packing his things that night, Kurt asked him to move to New York, to
stay with him and learn to love the city as much as Kurt had.
Dave looked at him sadly,
“Why do you want me to move here, really, Kurt?”
“Because I think you need to get out of Ohio, and get out of your
comfort zone. Besides, I miss my best friend. It would be nice to be
able to call you and could come right over and help me get over my
latest crush.”
“So you want me to uproot my entire life in Ohio and move to New
York so that I can comfort you after your latest sexual conquest?”
“I guess. Is that bad?”
“I’m tired of this, Kurt. I’m tired of you viewing me as a means
to an end. If I were to move anywhere for anyone, it would be because
they want me there and not for selfish reasons either. I’m not going to
leave Ohio and the job I love and the people I love just so I can be
your fallback and your crutch. It’s time for you to grow up and deal
with your lack of emotional commitment on your own.”
As Kurt thought back to the memories that he had of Dave, he
suddenly realized what Dave was saying. He had been asking for a reason
to move to New York that had nothing to do with friendship. He had been
asking Kurt to ask him to move because he loved him.
He felt terrible. Dave had sat patiently for seven years and
waited for Kurt to be ready to date again, to realize what he was
offering, and Kurt had kept his walls up out of fear and anger, and
mostly because he enjoyed the freedom of having sex and no emotional
attachment. He used Dave to get the emotional attachment, and never
offered anything in return to Dave.
Kurt was a shitty person, and as he stirred the mushrooms, onion,
and garlic on the stove, he wondered why Dave was even his friend.
As he finished preparing the meal, he heard a knock at the door.
He figured it was Dave who had somehow locked himself out of the apartment.
He headed to the door and opened it expecting to see Dave with a few bags of groceries.
Instead, what saw was one of the downright most beautiful men he had ever seen before in his entire life.
Before him was a drop dead gorgeous man with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a killer smile.
He was dressed in a gray suit with a light blue shirt. His hair
was perfectly coiffed, and he smelled of expensive cologne and richness.
He held his hand out and smiled at Kurt. His smile never reached
his eyes, and Kurt immediately thought he looked like a predator,
circling his prey before he attacked and ate it.
“Hi, you must be Kurt. I’m Lance. Lance Ashworth.”
“Nice to meet you, Lance. I am, in fact, Kurt.”
“I’m so sorry I’m late. My flight got delayed and then it was a nightmare trying to get a taxi from the airport.”
“No worries, I’m just putting the finishes touches on dinner, and Dave should be back any minute with the wine.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble. I made a dinner
reservation at the Waldorf for Dave and me. I had so hoped to surprise
him with a romantic dinner.”
Kurt should have known that a homemade dinner would not be enough
for the perfect Lance. Inside, he was seething with pent up jealousy
and anger, but he smiled and said,
“Oh that sounds lovely. I’m sure Dave would absolutely love that.
I’ll just eat this myself, and I’ll have leftovers for later. Not a
problem at all.”
Kurt turned back to the stove and stirred the flour and chicken
broth in the gravy he was making and stirred a bit more angrily than he
needed to.
Lance put his luggage down and said he would love to use the restroom to freshen up and Kurt pointed it out to him.
Thankfully, Dave returned a few minutes later with the wine and handed it over to Kurt.
“Here you go your highness. I got the kind you wanted and I got some food for breakfast tomorrow as well.”
“Well, you may not be eating breakfast here.”
“What do you mean?”
Kurt nodded to the luggage in the corner,
“Lance is here?”
“Arrived about five minutes before you.”
“Oh, thank God. I was beginning to worry.”
“Me too.”
“Shut up, Kurt.”
Kurt and Dave were smiling at each other when Lance suddenly appeared.
Kurt flushed and turned back to the stove so he didn’t have to witness their epic reunion.
He banged the pots a little harder than he needed to while Dave
and Lance were saying how much they missed each other, although it had
only been like two weeks, and how they never wanted to be apart again.
Kurt wanted to gag. He got louder with his food preparation.
Dave finally acknowledged the noise and said,
“Do you mind, Kurt. I’m trying to have a conversation here.”
Kurt rolled his eyes,
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Is my cooking distracting you from your make out session?”
Dave looked at him like he was insane and went back to talking to Lance.
Kurt finally took the food off the stove and made a dish for
himself. He put the rest in containers and put it in the refrigerator.
He poured himself a glass of wine and sat in his favorite chair
in front of his tiny television. If he was going to stay home tonight
while Dave and Lance went out and did all the cliché romantic things
they could find, he was going to catch up on ‘True Blood’.
Dave and Lance finally broke away long enough to realize that Kurt was sitting in the living room watching television.
Dave walked over to where Kurt was sitting,
“I’m really sorry you went to all this work for me and Lance. I
promise that if you leave me some leftovers, I will eat some when I get
back.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Dave. Lance is taking you for a five course
meal at a world famous restaurant. Don’t force yourself to come home
and eat my shitty cooking because you feel bad. “
“Why are you being so bitchy?”
“Because at the moment, Jason Stackhouse is naked and having sex with some weird girl, so could you please move?”
“Fine. Don’t tell me what’s really bothering you and deflect like you always do. That’s real mature, Kurt.”
“There is nothing wrong with me, Dave. I like ‘True Blood’. I
like the food I made, and this wine is really good. I don’t mind
spending the evening watching ‘True Blood’. Go out and have fun with
Lance, okay? Don’t worry about me. This isn’t the first night or the
last one that I’ll spend alone in my apartment watching television,
okay?”
“If you insist.”
“I do. Now go get ready for your fancy date.”
Dave looked at him warily and walked into Kurt’s bedroom to change his clothes.