Romantic Comedies. . .
So I just finished watching You've Got Mail, for the first time, and it got me thinking again about how I want to fall in love like they do in the movies. I always have, really. I remember when missloo12 broke up with me, and all I really wanted to say was, "this isn't how it's supposed to work! Didn't you read the script!?" May have, actually, though probably not, since I never come up with that kind of stuff in the moment. She was the one who made me accept romantic comedies, too. I used to hate them, and she really liked them. It was a battle everytime we went to rent movies, which was alot, since we're both big movie fans. She hated brainless, blow-em-up, simple good-versus-evil movies, and I hated romantic comedies. Oddly enough, we both hated them for the same reason; because they're all the same. I remember one time when we were arguing in blockbuster. She made a concession and said I could pick any movie in the sundance section, and I picked Cube. It messed with her mind so much I had to give her two movie nights of her choice to make up for it. Anyways, after her and I broke up, I realized that the reason I hated romantic comedies was because they all worked out. Guy and Girl fall in love, there's some complication, and hilarity ensues as they try to fix it, Guy almost loses Girl (or sometimes visa versa), Someone says or does something completely romantic, which opens the eyes of either Guy, Girl, or both. They live happily ever after. I want that, and I hated those movies because I wanted that and they got it and I didn't. But I digress. I think I've been diluted by them. I keep thinking the next girl I meet is going to be the one. I keep thinking that it won't matter that I'm a poor theater student who can't take anything seriously and is really going nowhere in life. It won't matter that I'm terrible with money and can't save. All you need is Love. But I always fall "in love" too quickly. I want to be in love so badly, that I let my imagination run away with me and convince myself that this girl is "the one" or that girl is my "soulmate". The truely ironic part is that the first girl I didn't do that with, the first girl I kept myself truely guarded against was the girl that I shouldn't have. And the worst part about it is I still beat myself up over what I should have said or done differently in that situation. Instead of working 2 jobs to have enough money to take her out, I should have just worked one and spent more time with her. Instead of being distant while I was unemployed, I should have gotten closer to her. Instead of guarding my feelings at the begining of the relationship, I should have run with them. Instead of being logical, I should have been romantic. Instead of going crazy, I should have just stayed home and cried myself to sleep. On and on, et cetera et cetera. Actually, you know, that isn't the worst part, it's just a side effect. The worst part is, I'm still in love with her. I've spent all the time since we broke up trying to find someone to take her place. Someone else I could fall in love with instead. The next "one that got away". And I don't even know if I'm in love with her, or if this is all just some inability to cope with losing. I think it all may boil down to the same thing janusdoa is realizing about himself, that I've never really tried for something I wasn't relatively sure I would succeed at. I've only VERY rarely risked in any sense. And now I'm rambling, and I still don't really have any point, and all this is going to do is make me crazy. And I share this with all of you because I want you to know me better so you'll care about me more, because I'm pretty sure I have security issues. Or maybe I'm bipolar, or manic depressive (or are those the same thing? I don't know, nor care). Or maybe this is all just an attempt at confession by my subconcious. Or maybe I really am just crazy.