i give up.
this past week has been fantasically bizarre... and by fantastic, i mean it's pretty much sucked a bag o' dicks...
~ i've seen Star Trek 3x now. it's fuckin amazing, when i fully expected it to be pure crap.
~ on top of my net service being gone, the electric also got turned off. they couldn't have turned off the gas, a utility for which we owe more, because that would have been too convenient... considering we never use it from may through october because we're never home to cook. :P
~ oh, speaking of all that practical life crap: I finally quit InFusion. i gave no notice. if i stayed for one more day i WAS going to punch my boss in the face. the shit she pulled in the previous week alone had me so angry i could not *see straight* on three separate occasions. i couldn't stand beng unfairly scapegoated anymore, so i ended it before i could end her. :P
~ the same night i quit (this past saturday), me and tyler broke up. it was not necessarily what either of us wanted, but it was, however, necessary. we were not going to work out over the long term and both of us valued our friendship much more. needless to say though, it still sucks. i wasn't quite ready to let go... but then again, are you ever, in a situation like that? it'll get better in time... and it's a really good feeling knowing i can really rely on at least one person to that deep an extent. i know that he will be there for me no matter what, i know he cares about me no matter what. i know it like the sky is blue & the grass is green, and he is as irreplaceable as laughter. he basically said we were friends for life, and i don't even have a choice about it... as if i'd ever choose anything else. with something like that in my life, it's making it a lot easier to give a gargantuan finger to any possibility of romance/relationships from now on. i fucking give up.
~ ironically, just as that came to pass... alex more or less told me to get out of his life. he's been acting strangely & avoiding me (and tyler, to an extent) for weeks now, and i came to the conclusion on my own that this was not healthy for me... i told tyler rather directly: "i really don't know what's shittier... being blown off or put on a shelf by someone i care that much about, or trying to be around him at all, with these goddamn needlessly infuriating dreams." and i had another one, just this morning. ::shoots self in the head:: it's enough to turn someone off from sleeping altogether.
~ tyler went quiet for a minute and said "i'm sorry" in this really sad tone of voice, when i told him about the "leave me alone & have a nice life" email (because alex couldn't actually just say it to my face, even though i went to his house when i was passing through the area, and told HIM goodbye in person) and i didn't understand what the F tyler was apologizing for. he understands now why i kept cutting him off and telling him "it doesn't matter, i give up..." whenever he tried to convince me that alex actually did give a shit, that he was just being a weird mofo. he said "i really thought he actually did care..." well it doesn't fuckin matter at this point, cause what's done is done, and we were both trying to do ourselves & eachother a favour, and he may or may not have actually been trying to make it easier on me, in a way, by not facing things directly... i know the he knew an email would just piss me off more, and maybe he figured that would make it easier for me to just be like "F him" and move on. buti can't waste anymore time trying to figure it out now... and i'll never be like "F him"; i'd forgive him without a second thought if he apologized, but i AM definitely feeling like "F *this*" (situation). at this point, the only reason i don't kind of wish i never met him is because i wouldn't have met tyler, and i can't imagine him not being in my life.
~ on a happier note: not only did me and Eddie start talking again f0 r33lz, i've been hanging out at his house since uh, tuesday. it's been rather nice, although it's brought up a whole nother category of weirdness & "ok well what now?" type stuff that i have no real interest or intention of actually figuring out, because life seems hellbent on doing whatever the fuck it wants with me no matter what i have to say about it, anyway.
so i'm sitting here in borrowed pajamas, and i'm hoping i can use my tax money to get the hell outta dodge... i want to drive out to Portland, OR, stay a few days, & explore a bit, then come back. i'm not entirely sure if i have enough $ to pull this off, but i know i can get out there, so i'm at least going to try. worst case scenario, maybe i just won't come back for awhile... i could try to earn some money out there or something. we shall see.
it makes me happy to know that most people would really, really miss me, and only one person (that i know of) would be actually glad i was gone.
*
~ i've seen Star Trek 3x now. it's fuckin amazing, when i fully expected it to be pure crap.
~ on top of my net service being gone, the electric also got turned off. they couldn't have turned off the gas, a utility for which we owe more, because that would have been too convenient... considering we never use it from may through october because we're never home to cook. :P
~ oh, speaking of all that practical life crap: I finally quit InFusion. i gave no notice. if i stayed for one more day i WAS going to punch my boss in the face. the shit she pulled in the previous week alone had me so angry i could not *see straight* on three separate occasions. i couldn't stand beng unfairly scapegoated anymore, so i ended it before i could end her. :P
~ the same night i quit (this past saturday), me and tyler broke up. it was not necessarily what either of us wanted, but it was, however, necessary. we were not going to work out over the long term and both of us valued our friendship much more. needless to say though, it still sucks. i wasn't quite ready to let go... but then again, are you ever, in a situation like that? it'll get better in time... and it's a really good feeling knowing i can really rely on at least one person to that deep an extent. i know that he will be there for me no matter what, i know he cares about me no matter what. i know it like the sky is blue & the grass is green, and he is as irreplaceable as laughter. he basically said we were friends for life, and i don't even have a choice about it... as if i'd ever choose anything else. with something like that in my life, it's making it a lot easier to give a gargantuan finger to any possibility of romance/relationships from now on. i fucking give up.
~ ironically, just as that came to pass... alex more or less told me to get out of his life. he's been acting strangely & avoiding me (and tyler, to an extent) for weeks now, and i came to the conclusion on my own that this was not healthy for me... i told tyler rather directly: "i really don't know what's shittier... being blown off or put on a shelf by someone i care that much about, or trying to be around him at all, with these goddamn needlessly infuriating dreams." and i had another one, just this morning. ::shoots self in the head:: it's enough to turn someone off from sleeping altogether.
~ tyler went quiet for a minute and said "i'm sorry" in this really sad tone of voice, when i told him about the "leave me alone & have a nice life" email (because alex couldn't actually just say it to my face, even though i went to his house when i was passing through the area, and told HIM goodbye in person) and i didn't understand what the F tyler was apologizing for. he understands now why i kept cutting him off and telling him "it doesn't matter, i give up..." whenever he tried to convince me that alex actually did give a shit, that he was just being a weird mofo. he said "i really thought he actually did care..." well it doesn't fuckin matter at this point, cause what's done is done, and we were both trying to do ourselves & eachother a favour, and he may or may not have actually been trying to make it easier on me, in a way, by not facing things directly... i know the he knew an email would just piss me off more, and maybe he figured that would make it easier for me to just be like "F him" and move on. buti can't waste anymore time trying to figure it out now... and i'll never be like "F him"; i'd forgive him without a second thought if he apologized, but i AM definitely feeling like "F *this*" (situation). at this point, the only reason i don't kind of wish i never met him is because i wouldn't have met tyler, and i can't imagine him not being in my life.
~ on a happier note: not only did me and Eddie start talking again f0 r33lz, i've been hanging out at his house since uh, tuesday. it's been rather nice, although it's brought up a whole nother category of weirdness & "ok well what now?" type stuff that i have no real interest or intention of actually figuring out, because life seems hellbent on doing whatever the fuck it wants with me no matter what i have to say about it, anyway.
so i'm sitting here in borrowed pajamas, and i'm hoping i can use my tax money to get the hell outta dodge... i want to drive out to Portland, OR, stay a few days, & explore a bit, then come back. i'm not entirely sure if i have enough $ to pull this off, but i know i can get out there, so i'm at least going to try. worst case scenario, maybe i just won't come back for awhile... i could try to earn some money out there or something. we shall see.
it makes me happy to know that most people would really, really miss me, and only one person (that i know of) would be actually glad i was gone.
*