304 [YongSeo] Paracosm (Fanfic ver.)

[macymacymacy]

Title: Paracosm (Fanfic ver)
Author: macymacymacy
Pairing: YongSeo
Rating: PG15
Genre: Slice of Life, Friendship, Spiritual
AN:
- this is actually an original story i posted in my Wattpad account (kooridenka), but I realized it fits YongSeo so I made this version.
- obviously, this is AU.
- this is quite dark. it's about lucid dreaming and i did my research, some of the things here doesn't match some of what i've read though. from what i've read, they say that if you blink in your dream, you would wake up, but that's not quite accurate... and i'm saying this out of experience.
- i am in no way promoting trying lucid dreaming as in my own experience, it is scary (researchers says it's completely safe, but still). i am not inviting anyone to contest that statement as well. it's just my personal opinion that it's scary. :))

In Memory of my cousin, RJ



SEO JU HYUN

I'm here again. Why am I here again? I don't want to be here! It's getting small again. It's closing in. I'm going to be trapped! I… I can't breathe. I can't… Why am I here again??? Someone help me. It's all getting dark again.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Yoona-eonnie, help me, please.

"NOOO!!!!"

Omma? Omma? Why are you crying? What happened? Omma? Who was that on the phone? What did they say? Why are you crying??

Appa, thank God you're here. Something's wrong with Omma.

"It's…. It's uri Yoona--" Yoona-eonnie? Why? What? What happened to my eonnie?

"What is it?? Hon, What happened? Yoona--"

"She's… she's gone… Oppa, our baby is dead. There was an accident--"

Dead..?

NOOOOOO!! No, Yoona-eonnie can't be dead!!! You can't take her! Why is this happening again?? I don't want this. I don't want to see this happening again. I can't take it. Please wake up. Please let me wake up. Eonnie, help me. I wanna wake up. Please.

I opened my eyes, and finally I can breathe again. I'm in my room. My real room. Not that fake room from that world. I'm back. I woke up. I know that this isn't a dream anymore.

I didn't even got surprised anymore when I felt my face wet. I'm crying again. But ever since my older sister died, there isn't a day when I woke up not crying.

And there isn't a night when I don't have nightmares-- no nights I wouldn't wake up in that other world.

And I also wasn't surprise when I heard shoutings outside my room. Ever since my eonnie died about five months ago, my parents had never agreed on anything anymore. Everyday they would find something to fight and shout about.
Sometimes I feel that it wasn't just eonnie who was taken away from me. Even my Omma and Appa.

I stood up from my bed and quietly went to the bathroom. I took a quick shower and got ready for school. Like I always do when my Omma and Appa starts, I instead exited through my veranda. My room was only in the second floor and there is a very old tree very close to my veranda. It was very easy to go down through there. I prefer to take this route rather than see my parents fighting. It feels so very lonely seeing the hatred inside their eyes.

After getting down, I went around the house and to the main road. I then started walking to the bus stop.

As usual, I was the first to arrive at school. There were no other students and it was still a little dark. But I was used to that. I went straight to my classroom. And while waiting, I brought out my notebook and started scribbling random shapes. I really couldn't feel anything. Everyday is just a repeat. And I don't really think it would change the coming days. So I just follow the usual routine. I just exist as I am.

Thirty minutes before the classes starts, there were already many people inside the room. There were some who greeted me good morning, but none of them are my friends. I do have some people I talk with, even eat lunch with, but I don't really see them as my friends. They were more of acquaintances. I don't blame them though, as I am a transferee. It's also already our last year in high school so it's not surprising that everyone already have their own group of friends. I don't try to join anyone, really, because I know no one will be able to understand me anyway.
I'm all alone in this world; ever since my eonnie left me.

Since she passed away, the nightmares started. The only thing I am uncertain is which is scarier-- the nightmare as I sleep or the nightmare as I wake up.
Why does it have to be her? Why eonnie? Taeoyeon-eonnie is kind, is fun… She has many friends, she had a successful career, she had a boyfriend who loves her so. She had a bright future… Not like me. Why didn't it just be me? Why her? It would have been easier then.

I went right home immediately after the classes ends. Truth be told, my days seems to be merging. I can't really remember much. It's like everything's becoming a blur. Everything's hazy. All I know is that I have to go to school, I have to eat, I have to return home, I have to sleep.

But I don't want to sleep. Not especially after last night's nightmare. It just felt so real. It felt like it was happening again. I don't want to sleep and I try not to, just watching the clock ticked by, but then I found myself

Back in this world again.

I knew at once I was back in that other world. I knew I am dreaming. I didn't know how, but I knew. I'm certain. I look around me and I see my room. But it's not really my room. It's just imitating it. And I feel so scared. Why do I always end up here?

I try to move, but found myself paralyzed. I feel myself panicking again. I fought the urge to cry. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I should not panic. I should think of a way to wake up from this nightmare. To go back to the real world.

When I opened my eyes again, I was surprised to see a boy. No, not a boy-- a young man. He seems to be a little older than I am. But what most surprised me was that I wasn't afraid of him. I have seen other… beings from this world. Shaped like a human--like my family, even--but I'm certain they weren't. But this young man… he wasn't like them. He seems more real to me. Who is he?

Suddenly, he opened his mouth.

"You have to relax." He said. He had a very soothing voice. "Don't be afraid, and just try to relax."

I followed what he said without really thinking and I started falling asleep. And found myself

Waking up. I opened my eyes and I could move again. It was much more darker and I knew this was the real world. I looked at the clock, and was surprised to see it was only midnight--only an hour from when I had fallen asleep. I try to remember what happened. I knew there was a boy. I knew he helped me. But suddenly I couldn't remember his face. Who is he?

It was still very early, but I was too afraid to sleep again, so I just lie awake, waiting for the time when I could finally start my day.

When it was time, I prepared myself for the shouting that was to come. But no sound ever came. I didn't know how I felt. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or even more worried. I tried to peek outside my door. But it was too quiet. I stepped out of the room and went in front of my parent's. There were no sounds. Are they already downstairs?

I cautiously went downstairs but still, I didn't hear anything. I went to the living room, there was no one. I went all over the house. It seems I'm the only one here. I last went to the kitchen and noticed that there was a note stuck on the refrigerator.

It was a note from my Omma simply saying my breakfast was in the microwave.

I really didn't know how I felt then. I did feel something, I think. Something dull… I can't really describe.

I then just went back to my room to get ready. I didn't bother eating the breakfast my omma prepared for me. I wasn't really hungry.

I arrived as school as usual. And my day progressed as usual. As it always happen. But during my break I didn't join my classmates as I usually does. Instead I went to the grounds, by the field. I wasn't really hungry the whole day. I just stayed at the field and brought out my notebook. I started drawing.

I realized after some time that I was trying to draw that young man who helped me in that other world. But I couldn't do it. All I was able to draw was a faceless head. I really can't remember his face.

I suddenly remembered something Yoona-eonnie told me when she was still alive. When we were still happy.

She shared with me that when she was younger she used to dream of a boy. They would play, and they would talk. She said she never really remembered anything they talked about when she woke up, but that she felt she really connected with that boy. She always dreamt of the boy. But she never saw his face. He remained faceless throughout her dreams. The dreams stopped when she started going to college, but occasionally, when she was sad, or stressed, she would dream of him again. But they weren't talking anymore. He was just there, and that would be enough for my sister.

And then, she said, she just stopped having dreams entirely. She started becoming more involved in the real world. She met a boy--Seunggi-oppa, she fell in love, and they got together. She almost forgot that boy from her dreams. Until one day, her Seunggi-oppa started talking about a girl he used to dream about. Suddenly, she realized that it was her he was describing. And that oppa was the boy he used to dream about.

She told me that's how she knew they were soul mates. She told me she was sure they would always be together.

But… well, it couldn't happen that way even if they really were soul mates.

I turned to stare at my drawing. I really didn't know if I 'connected' with this boy. It was the first time I ever dreamed of someone. I really didn't know what to think of him. But I am very very curious about him.

When I arrived home that afternoon, it was to see my Appa about to hit my Omma. He stopped when he realized I was there, and seems to get a hold of himself. I was shocked. My Appa then started apologizing to me, and to Omma. But Omma was already crying on the floor.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran up to my room and locked myself in. A little later I heard footsteps coming towards my door. I ran towards my bed, lied down and hugged myself, willing myself to sleep.

Please just for today. Just let me rest. I don't want to stay at either worlds. Just let me have a dreamless sleep. Help me, eonnie.

I wanted to cry when I found myself waking up in the other world. Couldn't I be given just one---just one day to rest?? I just feel so tired anymore. I woke up in my fake room. This time, I could actually move. I wasn't paralyzed like the last time. I realized then that there were music coming from downstairs.

I stood up and stepped outside my room. It was to see my parents, holding each other and smiling when they realized I was there. But then, I knew they weren't my parents.

"Ju Hyun, sweetie. Go downstairs and meet your friends. They've been waiting for you." My 'appa' said.

I really didn't know how to respond. I didn't know what exactly they were and I was afraid. I decided to just follow what he said. I turned to the stairs and started descending.

I found almost all my classmates downstairs. They were all talking, and seems to be having fun. It was like a party. But like my 'parents', they weren't really my classmates. I wasn't sure if they were even human… or if they were even beings… maybe I am going mad.

They started talking to me. And I started feeling overwhelmed. So, I excused myself and went back upstairs. I was glad my 'parents' weren't there anymore. I made my way to my room, and just as I have done in the real world, I locked myself in.

I went and climb on to my bed. Not really knowing what else to do. I just want to go back. I started crying, feeling so lost. Why do I always end up here? Who are these people who looks like the people I knew from my world?? What is all this? I couldn't understand anything.

"Why are you crying?"

I sat bolt upright at the voice. I could feel my heart slamming my ribcage. I was so afraid.

But when I looked at who had come inside my room, I was surprised I wasn't very alarmed to see it was that young man. The one who I had dreamed about last time.

He was looking at me. And right now I could see his face. He looked worried.

"You're scared." He said.

I could only nod. I didn't even know why I was being so honest with him.

"Don't be scared. This is only a dream, after all." He told me in that same soothing voice.

"B-But I feel trapped." I found my voice saying.

He looked a little surprised.

"You are aware this is a dream, then." He said. It wasn't a question, but I nodded nevertheless.

He then smiled. And started speaking once more.

"You're lucid dreaming. And you feel trapped because you're panicking. You have to relax. That's the way to wake up. Didn't I tell you that?"

My eyes widen, but to answer his question, I just shook my head.

"Ah, is that so?" He said, scratching the back of his head and looking sheepish.

"Well, try it." He said next.

I nodded. I lied on my back again and then tried relaxing as he said. Breathe in breathe out. Breathe in breathe out… I felt my eyelids drooping. I didn't fight it and closed my eyes, allowing myself to be swallowed by the darkness.

And finally, I was back. I couldn't help but smile. It really worked. Whoever that guy was, he really helped me.

It was already morning when I woke up, so I just got ready for school. It was quiet outside my room so dared stepped out. It seems my parents either has gone out as they did yesterday or they must be still asleep. I didn't wait to find out if I was wrong, and just went right outside. I walked quickly towards the bus stop and felt relieved to see a bus just stopping.

During my break, I again excused myself from eating with my classmates. I went to the library instead and used one of the computers there. I started looking up 'lucid dreaming.'

There were so many things to know about this phenomenon, but basically it is what I have been experiencing. Dreaming in which you know you are dreaming.

It seems it's not that rare of an occurrence. There are many accounts of people doing it, even purposefully. It really wasn't something someone should be afraid about. It's not a freak occurrence. It's not that I'm going mad.

So when I slept that night, I fully expected to start lucid dreaming. I was still afraid, but more than anything, I am curious. It was as if there were new possibilities opened up to me as I learned of this event. What else could I do inside these dreams? And… would that guy be in my dream again? Would I always meet him if I wish to?

I opened my eyes and smiled as I found I really wasn't afraid anymore. A little nervous, but more excited.

"You're here again." Someone said from my back. I turned and felt happy to again see the him.

"Are you doing this on purpose? I know some people are able to do that." He asked me.

"No…" I told him honestly. I knew I would be going here today, but it wasn't like I intended it to. "I… ever since my eonnie died I've been having these… dreams." I said.

He was quiet then, looking conflicted.

"I'm sorry... about your eonnie." he said after a while.

"It's not like it's your fault." I told him. And for a while, we were both quiet. But I couldn't repress my curiosity anymore.

"What's your name?" I started asking. "Why do I always meet you? Are you having a lucid dream too?"

He looked like he was really thinking of how to answer. "I-I really don't know. I… I can't really remember how I got here." He told me, and I don't know how but I knew he was telling the truth.

"I'm Yonghwa." He then said.

"I'm Ju Hyun." I told him.

He smiled, and I felt happy seeing him do so. "It's nice to meet you." He told me.

I nodded, feeling the same.

"Do you know other stuffs about these kind of dreams?" I asked him.

He started explaining more about lucid dreaming then. Some of what he'd say, I'd already read from my research, but I listened anyway. I really like his voice. And I don't know why, but I really wanted to know him more… and to spend more time with him.

After explaining many things, he had insisted that I sleep, so I could return already. I was surprise to find myself not really wanting to go, but I conceded.

I was unhappy when I woke up. But as the day starts, I found myself in my usual routine.

It was with more enthusiasm that I sleep that night. I wasn't sure if I would meet him again this time, but I hope--I really would want to, again. And I wasn’t disappointed when I

Returned once more.

He was already there. He was the one who welcomed me this time.

I was really curious about him now. Who is he, really? Why is he always in my dreams? Or am I in his dream?

"You can actually control what you want to see." He told me as he continued his explanations about lucid dreaming. "Since it is your dream, it is happening inside your head, and you have the control. It just takes some practice to be truly able to use the deeper parts of the mind."

"So… this is my dream?" I asked him.

"Sure, it is." He said. But then, is he real? Or is he just someone I conjured inside my head as he said?

I found myself afraid to know the answer, so I didn't ask my question.

"You just have to relax and then clear your mind. And then picture clearly what it is you want to happen." He told me, a little excitedly.

He asked me to sit, and so I did. He sat beside me and I watched as he closed his eyes and relax. I could see his limbs sagged a little. He asked me to relax as well, so I imitate him.

With my eyes closed, I heard him asked. "What is it you want to see?"

I thought about it. Something simple, like what I've read the beginners of lucid dreaming does. I thought of fire, and suddenly I felt warm. I opened my eyes and found myself in front of a great campfire. Around me is a dense forest, and besides me is Yonghwa. He had also opened his eyes as well. He smiled at me.

"You did it!" He said.

I also couldn't help but smile.

For the next few days, I started exploring my mind--as Yonghwa calls it, and experimenting whilst dreaming. For the first time I felt very free. I could do anything. I could even study there if I want to. My books would be waiting for me if I wish it. I could conjure anything. It was like I have magic. I could even fly.

One time I even tried imagining myself as a mermaid and when

I opened my eyes I really was. We were in the beach and I have blue fish tail instead of legs. Besides me was Yonghwa, though he still have two legs. He was grinning at me. He closed his eyes, and I blinked when I next saw that he now had a tail as well.

"So you wanna go for a swim this time?" He asked.

I only nodded. I started to crawl towards the sea as so did he. It was a different kind of sea. It was my sea. The water was very clear and there were different kinds of fishes and sea animals. None was afraid of us, or even regard us. It was as if we were one of them. And I found out I could actually breathe underwater. Yonghwa took my hand and we swam deeper and deeper and looked at wonderful things I could never have seen in the other world.

And then all these jelly fishes approach us, and they were glowing. It was such a beautiful sight. I swam with them, feeling as beautiful as everything around me. It was a perfect world. It was paradise for me.

When we returned to the shore, I was laughing--still high from tonight's adventure.

Yonghwa reminded me that maybe I should sleep then. I didn't really want to, but I nodded just as I have done before. I started relaxing, but before I closed my eyes, I saw Yonghwa smile at me.

As my surrounding got dark -- tell-tale sign that I would be returning to the other world soon-- I heard Yonghwa's voice.

"You should always smile. It suits you." And then, I don't know if I only imagined it, but I felt warm lips touch my forehead.

I was smiling as I woke up. But it was wiped away when I heard the shouting from outside.

"You've been here for so long." Yonghwa commented one time after we came back from Hogwarts. That was what he always says. He always reminds me to 'wake up.'

But honestly, I really wanted to stay in this world rather than in the other. Here, I set my world. I see only what I want to see. I am the rule.

"Hyun… why are you always here?" He asked me another time. "You can already control your mind… that means your are here because you chose to be here."

"Because I love it here." I told him honestly, a little confused at what he was  trying to say.

"But… you have a life there. You have family there, and friends." He told me.

"You are my friend." I told him, not really wanting where this conversation was going.

"But this world… isn't real." He said. "Why do you want to be here where there isn't really anything?"

I frowned at him, feeling hurt. Barely, I noticed my sky darkening. "I can't hurt here. In that other world, it's a nightmare." I told him. And as I said those words, my worst memory flashed into my mind.

But I was in my mind. And with a jolt, I realized that my memory was replaying in my sky. And Yonghwa could see everything.

Me, alone in school.

My parents fighting.

The day my sister died in that awful accident.

I tried to reign in my emotions--my memory, and somehow it stopped and my sky was once more blue.

We were both quiet for a while, but then Yonghwa looked at me.

I didn't like the way he was looking at me.

It was as if… as if he was taking a pity at me.

I don't want his pity!

"I understand it must be hard--" No you don't understand! Don't pity me!

"But… Hyun. You can't run away from reality. Sure, it feels safe here. But here, there's… nothing. Nothing grows here, nothing gets solved here. You can't stay here and stop. You have to continue living. And you can only live in the other world. Here, you just… exist." He told me even though I didn’t want to hear it.

"Then why can you stay here, but I can't?" I asked him, feeling very angry. It wasn't fair.

"I didn't choose to stay here." He said calmly.

"Did you really not???" I asked. But I couldn't continue talking to him. My emotions was overwhelming me again. I closed my eyes and will myself to wake up.

I opened my eyes and I was back in this wretched world. It was already morning. I numbly waited for the shouting to start… but it didn't. Instead, I heard my omma's voice. She is… crying?

I found myself opening my door and following the sound. I found my Omma in my parents' room. She is on the floor. She really is crying. Slowly, I walked up to her. For the first time since my sister died, she looked at me.

"Ju Hyun…" She called me to her. I obliged.

She then hugged me, still crying.

"Ju Hyun, baby… Appa's gone… He left… He won't be coming back anymore." She told me. I jumped away in surprised.

And as it had six months ago, I felt as if my heart plummets. I felt like I couldn't breath. My chest was aching. Eonnie's gone… and now Appa.

This is such a cruel world.

And I don't want to stay here anymore. I ran to my room, ignoring my Omma's calls.

I locked myself inside my room and lied down my bed. I willed myself to sleep and then to dream… That world is better than this.

Yes, this world is better than the other one. But then, I felt as if something dull throb through my chest. And I realized I was alone.

Yonghwa… he's not here. I felt like crying, but I stopped myself.

Even if he isn't here. It's still better here.

I never want to go back in that other world. I will make this world my reality, instead.

---------

Seo In Young, Ju Hyun's Omma, ran towards her daughter's room after she got a hold of their house keys. Hurriedly she tried the keys until she got the right one. Her daughter's room opened, and she hastily entered. She found her asleep on her bed. There were tears trailing down her face. In Young felt like crying herself. She quietly went to her daughter, and tried to rouse her. But she wasn't waking up. After a while, In Young started panicking. Her daughter just wouldn't wake up. In the next five minutes, she had called for help. Their neighbor helped her get her daughter to her car, and together they drove to the hospital.

In Young couldn't understand what had happened, and neither could the doctors.

Ju Hyun is very healthy, but for all intents and purposes, she is in coma.

TBC.