A World Without You
Title: A World Without You
Pairing: Makoto/Haruka
Length: One-shot
Genre: Slice of life
Rating: G
Summary: Haruka has been having bad dreams.
A/N: This song has been my inspiration in writing this. I suggest listening to it while reading this little one-shot.
形ないもの 抱きしめてた 壊れる音も聞こえないまま
Katachi nai mono dakishimeteta kowareru oto mo kikoenai mama
As I embrace the things that have no shape, I fail to hear the breaking sound.
"Makoto!!"
His own desperate shout made his eyes shut open. The echo it created in his head left him catching his breath, sweat all over his forehead.
It took him a few seconds before he noticed that the place he was in was much calmer and warmer than the one where he was before he opened his eyes to consciousness.
He slowly looked around his room to check if he really was awake now.
7 a.m. the clock informed him.
The sun was already peeking through the slits of his blinds.
'Just a bad dream' Haruka whispered to himself. He let out a relieved sigh as he sat up. He opened and closed his hands a couple of times as if trying to feel if blood was finally running in his veins again. Though he knew everything was just another bad dream, the way his hands turned pale and cold felt so real it kind of scared him.
Unconsciously, he stretched his left arm out. It was still so clear to him how this hand failed to reach Makoto in his dream; how this hand felt Makoto's hand slipping away from its grip.
Even his lips could still clearly remember how he shouted Makoto's name as he witnessed the unconscious body being taken away by the angry waves.
He closed his hand in a tight grip, as if doing so would make everything feel less real even though he was well aware it all just happened in a bad dream.
He needed to distract himself from all these dangerous thoughts. Makoto would surely instantly notice something's wrong if he didn't push all these disturbing feelings aside.
Even if it was just a dream, Haruka didn't want to speak of it. It just won't feel right to.
すれ違う人の中で 君を追いかけた
Surechigau hito no naka de kimi wo oikaketa
In the crowd of strangers, I ran after you.
Feeling his consciousness slowly getting lost into the water he was in, Haruka immediately sat up. And the moment he did, he felt strange for reacting that way. This was something he always does before going to school but, ever since that bad dream started haunting him, something changed. Maybe it was him, because obviously, these waters won't change to compromise for the uncertainties he felt in his dreams.
He loved the water, and he still does. But the more frequent the dream of losing Makoto to the ocean resurfaced in his subconsciousness, the harder it was for him to treat the shapeless blue the way he did before.
Was it really calm? Was it really gentle? Was it really everything he thought it was when he first came in contact with it?
The water is Haruka's true love. He had spent almost half of his life with it and during the times he wasn't able to, he always deeply longed for it. Never did he doubt the comfort it always gave him whenever he laid his body submissively in its turf. And never did it occur to him that one day, he will wake up with all these feelings of affection he had for it already replaced by fear - a feeling so foreign to him especially when it comes to any form of water.
He stared down at his hands as he filled them with water from his tub, unconsciously waiting for something.
Around this time every morning, there will always be that knock on the bathroom door that didn't really need to ask for permission anymore. Maybe the owner of the hand that knocked felt he was uninvited or unappreciated because he never dropped this routine despite the fact that he's been doing it almost his whole life. He was just being courteous, Haruka knew that. Makoto wouldn't be Makoto if he wasn't considerate in manner after all.
But what distracted him this morning wasn't the courteous knock. What dragged him away from all the mess in his mind was the fact that the knock he was waiting for didn't arrive.
僕は今すぐ君に会いたい
Boku wa ima sugu kimi ni aitai
I just want to meet you now.
He closed the door as he stepped outside. His eyes instantly gazed down at the concrete staircase where Makoto had always -usually- stood while waiting for him. Looking at it with no tall figure blocking any part of the way, Haruka realized how many steps there were. How on earth did Makoto have the patience to climb all these just so he could make sure his best friend won't laze around the tub for too long so he won't be late for school?
He then made his way down, unwillingly becoming aware of how draggy it was to carry his legs for each step since there was no one talking non stop beside him today.
'Did he need to leave earlier for school today?' He unconsciously asked himself.
Normally, he didn't care about where he was walking or how the view looked like as he walked since the ocean was always in picture whenever they go to school and go home after a long day. But as he stared at the ocean today, he realized it wasn't this endless wonder that was calming him, it had always been Makoto's babbling.
This wasn't the first time he went to school without his best friend but for some reasons, he missed Makoto's presence too much even for his own liking. Maybe it was still about the dream after all. Dreams do have that effect on people, especially if they were bad. You would have to see for yourself to make sure that reality was still the reality you had left before coming across the bad dream.
As soon as Haruka arrived at their school, he immediately went to check if Makoto was at the swimming pool. Nagisa, Rei and Gou were there but Makoto was still nowhere to be seen. Thinking that the three might know where his best friend was, Haruka quietly approached them like how he usually did when he had something important to ask, "Have you seen Makoto?"
He was kind of taken aback when the three looked at him like he had asked something he shouldn't have, "What?" he involuntarily let out.
After a short silence, Gou finally spoke because neither Nagisa nor Rei looked like they could answer Haruka anytime soon. "Haruka-senpai..." her words felt heavier than how they actually sounded, and Haruka didn't understand at all why. She looked down, weighing thoughts only she could hear. She bit her lip before she continued what she was saying, "We know it's hard but, please, stop worrying us like this." Tears were present in her eyes as much as sobs were in her voice.
This time, it was Haruka's turn to look at them like Gou had said something she shouldn't have.
What the hell was she talking about? He only asked if they had seen Makoto around.
"Haru-chan" Nagisa's voice wasn't any more pleasant than how Gou's sounded. It only confused Haruka more. "Mako-chan..." the usually very lively guy had to stop to hold his sobs in, "We- we... miss him too..."
We miss him too.
What?
"Oi, Nagisa, what the hell are you talking about?" was all Haruka could say for these words had already completely taken over his logic the moment Gou broke their strange silence. "Why the hell are you crying?" His voice had grown impatient when Rei started tearing up like the two who first spoke.
"Senpai, we're having a hard time accepting Makoto-senpai's passing away too. But we have to accept the fact that he's no longer here. We have to continue moving forward for him, senpai. We have to honor his death by always doing our best!" Rei was completely shaking by the time he finished his sentence.
Passing away.
Death.
Makoto.
What?
Unconsciously, Haruka went to the pool and crouched before the clear water. He looked at his reflection. He seemed calm and composed but inside, he could clearly feel how the hollowness rapidly emptied him.
Their words might not be as physically ruthless as the angry waves in his dreams but it hit him hard all the same.
The surroundings weren't like in his dream. No heavy rain, no dangerously high waves, no Makoto drifting away from his sight.
Everything was calm. The sky, the clouds, the trees, the breeze, even the ocean that's perfectly seen from where they were. They were all calm.
Completely nothing like his dream.
It suddenly became hard to breathe when Haruka felt there was no way out of this moment.
Maybe the dream was true after all. It felt real because it was real.
Was he in a hopeless case of state in denial that he couldn't remember what exactly happened? Was he so devastated that he wouldn't see Makoto or hear his babbling and worries anymore that's why he shut himself from anything else and made himself believe that Makoto was still here?
No. This just didn't make any sense. Why would Makoto be dead? This was reality, this was where all those uncertainties should fade because.....that's how it should work.
But why was reality giving him this now? Was this really the reality he should have gone back to?
A reality without Makoto.
No.
It didn't sound right. It didn't feel right.
Slowly Haruka dipped down into the pool. Neither of the three people behind him stopped him for they knew this was what he needed most. As he looked at the sky with complete silence, a tear fell from his right eye. Another tear fell after the other. Slowly, he gazed down at the water hugging him up to his chest.
Like what he did in his tub earlier, he cupped his hands and filled them with water.
His silent tears gradually turned to quiet sobs.
When his arms started shaking, the water in his hands fell back into the pool where it rightfully belonged.
As soon as the warmth he was holding left his hands, he didn't stop his tears from falling anymore. He didn't hold his sobs back either. He just wanted to cry even if he knew Makoto wouldn't be coming to wipe away his tears anymore.
It hit him harder this time.
He would never hear Makoto knocking on his bathroom door again. He would never see Makoto standing by the staircase waiting for him again. He would never be walking to school with Makoto again. He would never be standing beside Makoto again. He would never be swimming with Makoto in this pool again...because Makoto was no longer here. Makoto was not anywhere in this world anymore.
The word 'never' scared him. Everything it held in it was nothing but finality, an absolute end.
This wasn't what he wanted. He could stand having the same bad dream every night as long as every morning would guarantee that Makoto was here.
He wanted to feel the water more. He needed to feel something enveloping his whole entity.
He was about to bring himself deeper into the pool when strong hands suddenly stopped him. And he was awakened.
あの日見つけた知らない場所へ 君と二人で行けるのなら
Ano hi mitsuketa shiranai basho e kimi to futari de yukeru no nara
The unfamiliar place we found on that day, if the two of us can go there together again,
僕は何度も生まれ変われる
Boku wa nando mo umarekawareru
I will be reborn as many times as it takes.
The rays of the sun wasn't very welcoming when Haruka opened his eyes. He had to close them again as soon as the light peeked in to his still adjusting senses. Feeling a little light-headed, he brought his right arm up to cover his face from his unknown surroundings. Where was he? His eyes felt ridiculously tired and his head throbbed for some reasons he couldn't quite put a finger on. His arms, legs and whole body ached when he tried to move. Lifting his head a little to take in to view where on earth he was, the sensation he got from the back of his neck informed him that he had just woken up from a deep slumber.
'I fell asleep' He whispered in his mind.
After a short while, his head started clearing up as well as his whole body. He was lying on the grass of the school's backyard, it seemed. It didn't take him long to find the strength to sit up. The breeze that greeted him had somehow made his consciousness recall the things he had last seen -or felt- before he opened his eyes.
He was in the pool, crying. His chest still felt heavy but his eyes and nose weren't red. It was really weird. He could still feel what he felt when he was crying yet he couldn't remember what exactly happened. He frowned upon realizing that the instant he woke up, the place wherever his subconsciousness had taken him completely shattered like a glass, leaving very little fragments that he would soon forget as well.
After giving up the thought of trying to remember everything that happened in his sleep, Haruka noticed he wasn't lying on the grass alone. The tall figure sleeping beside him was all too familiar.
"Makoto" he gently called the name. It felt weird again. When he woke up, he knew Makoto would be lying here. And he knew this wasn't a dream in a dream anymore because he could clearly remember what happened before they had fallen asleep here, he could clearly remember what happened yesterday, even last week. Not like in the previous 'waking ups' he experienced where he couldn't remember anything.
He knew all these yet, having felt before his own body this sleeping figure of Makoto, still made him so happy, relieved, secured and thankful.
Slowly, Haruka laid himself down next to Makoto and propped his right elbow on the grass so he could comfortably stare at his best friend while the guy slept.
When Makoto finally opened his eyes, he had this usual gentle smile on his face and it didn't fail to make Haruka feel warm. "Morning" Makoto said.
"It's already past noon." Haruka replied, his eyes complementing his lips as he smiled back at his best friend.
"Now that's a rare greeting right there" Makoto's smile grew wider. He closed his eyes again, as if savoring the fact that when he opened his eyes, it was Haruka's smile that welcomed him.
Haruka just continued staring at Makoto lovingly, all the things he felt in his dreams making him appreciate even just the calm breathing of this man beside him.
He had almost been to a world where this man wasn't existing anymore. He would never want to be there again.
"What now?" Makoto asked as his eyes opened with curiosity.
"Nothing." Haruka answered, still overwhelmed by the fact that Makoto was right here with him, breathing, living.
The bells rang, indicating that the day in school was over and it was now time to go home. But instead of rushing to the reality where they ought to be, none of the two figures moved an inch. They just laid beside each other, feeling the warm breeze and the rays of the gentle afternoon sun.
Pairing: Makoto/Haruka
Length: One-shot
Genre: Slice of life
Rating: G
Summary: Haruka has been having bad dreams.
A/N: This song has been my inspiration in writing this. I suggest listening to it while reading this little one-shot.
形ないもの 抱きしめてた 壊れる音も聞こえないまま
Katachi nai mono dakishimeteta kowareru oto mo kikoenai mama
As I embrace the things that have no shape, I fail to hear the breaking sound.
"Makoto!!"
His own desperate shout made his eyes shut open. The echo it created in his head left him catching his breath, sweat all over his forehead.
It took him a few seconds before he noticed that the place he was in was much calmer and warmer than the one where he was before he opened his eyes to consciousness.
He slowly looked around his room to check if he really was awake now.
7 a.m. the clock informed him.
The sun was already peeking through the slits of his blinds.
'Just a bad dream' Haruka whispered to himself. He let out a relieved sigh as he sat up. He opened and closed his hands a couple of times as if trying to feel if blood was finally running in his veins again. Though he knew everything was just another bad dream, the way his hands turned pale and cold felt so real it kind of scared him.
Unconsciously, he stretched his left arm out. It was still so clear to him how this hand failed to reach Makoto in his dream; how this hand felt Makoto's hand slipping away from its grip.
Even his lips could still clearly remember how he shouted Makoto's name as he witnessed the unconscious body being taken away by the angry waves.
He closed his hand in a tight grip, as if doing so would make everything feel less real even though he was well aware it all just happened in a bad dream.
He needed to distract himself from all these dangerous thoughts. Makoto would surely instantly notice something's wrong if he didn't push all these disturbing feelings aside.
Even if it was just a dream, Haruka didn't want to speak of it. It just won't feel right to.
すれ違う人の中で 君を追いかけた
Surechigau hito no naka de kimi wo oikaketa
In the crowd of strangers, I ran after you.
Feeling his consciousness slowly getting lost into the water he was in, Haruka immediately sat up. And the moment he did, he felt strange for reacting that way. This was something he always does before going to school but, ever since that bad dream started haunting him, something changed. Maybe it was him, because obviously, these waters won't change to compromise for the uncertainties he felt in his dreams.
He loved the water, and he still does. But the more frequent the dream of losing Makoto to the ocean resurfaced in his subconsciousness, the harder it was for him to treat the shapeless blue the way he did before.
Was it really calm? Was it really gentle? Was it really everything he thought it was when he first came in contact with it?
The water is Haruka's true love. He had spent almost half of his life with it and during the times he wasn't able to, he always deeply longed for it. Never did he doubt the comfort it always gave him whenever he laid his body submissively in its turf. And never did it occur to him that one day, he will wake up with all these feelings of affection he had for it already replaced by fear - a feeling so foreign to him especially when it comes to any form of water.
He stared down at his hands as he filled them with water from his tub, unconsciously waiting for something.
Around this time every morning, there will always be that knock on the bathroom door that didn't really need to ask for permission anymore. Maybe the owner of the hand that knocked felt he was uninvited or unappreciated because he never dropped this routine despite the fact that he's been doing it almost his whole life. He was just being courteous, Haruka knew that. Makoto wouldn't be Makoto if he wasn't considerate in manner after all.
But what distracted him this morning wasn't the courteous knock. What dragged him away from all the mess in his mind was the fact that the knock he was waiting for didn't arrive.
僕は今すぐ君に会いたい
Boku wa ima sugu kimi ni aitai
I just want to meet you now.
He closed the door as he stepped outside. His eyes instantly gazed down at the concrete staircase where Makoto had always -usually- stood while waiting for him. Looking at it with no tall figure blocking any part of the way, Haruka realized how many steps there were. How on earth did Makoto have the patience to climb all these just so he could make sure his best friend won't laze around the tub for too long so he won't be late for school?
He then made his way down, unwillingly becoming aware of how draggy it was to carry his legs for each step since there was no one talking non stop beside him today.
'Did he need to leave earlier for school today?' He unconsciously asked himself.
Normally, he didn't care about where he was walking or how the view looked like as he walked since the ocean was always in picture whenever they go to school and go home after a long day. But as he stared at the ocean today, he realized it wasn't this endless wonder that was calming him, it had always been Makoto's babbling.
This wasn't the first time he went to school without his best friend but for some reasons, he missed Makoto's presence too much even for his own liking. Maybe it was still about the dream after all. Dreams do have that effect on people, especially if they were bad. You would have to see for yourself to make sure that reality was still the reality you had left before coming across the bad dream.
As soon as Haruka arrived at their school, he immediately went to check if Makoto was at the swimming pool. Nagisa, Rei and Gou were there but Makoto was still nowhere to be seen. Thinking that the three might know where his best friend was, Haruka quietly approached them like how he usually did when he had something important to ask, "Have you seen Makoto?"
He was kind of taken aback when the three looked at him like he had asked something he shouldn't have, "What?" he involuntarily let out.
After a short silence, Gou finally spoke because neither Nagisa nor Rei looked like they could answer Haruka anytime soon. "Haruka-senpai..." her words felt heavier than how they actually sounded, and Haruka didn't understand at all why. She looked down, weighing thoughts only she could hear. She bit her lip before she continued what she was saying, "We know it's hard but, please, stop worrying us like this." Tears were present in her eyes as much as sobs were in her voice.
This time, it was Haruka's turn to look at them like Gou had said something she shouldn't have.
What the hell was she talking about? He only asked if they had seen Makoto around.
"Haru-chan" Nagisa's voice wasn't any more pleasant than how Gou's sounded. It only confused Haruka more. "Mako-chan..." the usually very lively guy had to stop to hold his sobs in, "We- we... miss him too..."
We miss him too.
What?
"Oi, Nagisa, what the hell are you talking about?" was all Haruka could say for these words had already completely taken over his logic the moment Gou broke their strange silence. "Why the hell are you crying?" His voice had grown impatient when Rei started tearing up like the two who first spoke.
"Senpai, we're having a hard time accepting Makoto-senpai's passing away too. But we have to accept the fact that he's no longer here. We have to continue moving forward for him, senpai. We have to honor his death by always doing our best!" Rei was completely shaking by the time he finished his sentence.
Passing away.
Death.
Makoto.
What?
Unconsciously, Haruka went to the pool and crouched before the clear water. He looked at his reflection. He seemed calm and composed but inside, he could clearly feel how the hollowness rapidly emptied him.
Their words might not be as physically ruthless as the angry waves in his dreams but it hit him hard all the same.
The surroundings weren't like in his dream. No heavy rain, no dangerously high waves, no Makoto drifting away from his sight.
Everything was calm. The sky, the clouds, the trees, the breeze, even the ocean that's perfectly seen from where they were. They were all calm.
Completely nothing like his dream.
It suddenly became hard to breathe when Haruka felt there was no way out of this moment.
Maybe the dream was true after all. It felt real because it was real.
Was he in a hopeless case of state in denial that he couldn't remember what exactly happened? Was he so devastated that he wouldn't see Makoto or hear his babbling and worries anymore that's why he shut himself from anything else and made himself believe that Makoto was still here?
No. This just didn't make any sense. Why would Makoto be dead? This was reality, this was where all those uncertainties should fade because.....that's how it should work.
But why was reality giving him this now? Was this really the reality he should have gone back to?
A reality without Makoto.
No.
It didn't sound right. It didn't feel right.
Slowly Haruka dipped down into the pool. Neither of the three people behind him stopped him for they knew this was what he needed most. As he looked at the sky with complete silence, a tear fell from his right eye. Another tear fell after the other. Slowly, he gazed down at the water hugging him up to his chest.
Like what he did in his tub earlier, he cupped his hands and filled them with water.
His silent tears gradually turned to quiet sobs.
When his arms started shaking, the water in his hands fell back into the pool where it rightfully belonged.
As soon as the warmth he was holding left his hands, he didn't stop his tears from falling anymore. He didn't hold his sobs back either. He just wanted to cry even if he knew Makoto wouldn't be coming to wipe away his tears anymore.
It hit him harder this time.
He would never hear Makoto knocking on his bathroom door again. He would never see Makoto standing by the staircase waiting for him again. He would never be walking to school with Makoto again. He would never be standing beside Makoto again. He would never be swimming with Makoto in this pool again...because Makoto was no longer here. Makoto was not anywhere in this world anymore.
The word 'never' scared him. Everything it held in it was nothing but finality, an absolute end.
This wasn't what he wanted. He could stand having the same bad dream every night as long as every morning would guarantee that Makoto was here.
He wanted to feel the water more. He needed to feel something enveloping his whole entity.
He was about to bring himself deeper into the pool when strong hands suddenly stopped him. And he was awakened.
あの日見つけた知らない場所へ 君と二人で行けるのなら
Ano hi mitsuketa shiranai basho e kimi to futari de yukeru no nara
The unfamiliar place we found on that day, if the two of us can go there together again,
僕は何度も生まれ変われる
Boku wa nando mo umarekawareru
I will be reborn as many times as it takes.
The rays of the sun wasn't very welcoming when Haruka opened his eyes. He had to close them again as soon as the light peeked in to his still adjusting senses. Feeling a little light-headed, he brought his right arm up to cover his face from his unknown surroundings. Where was he? His eyes felt ridiculously tired and his head throbbed for some reasons he couldn't quite put a finger on. His arms, legs and whole body ached when he tried to move. Lifting his head a little to take in to view where on earth he was, the sensation he got from the back of his neck informed him that he had just woken up from a deep slumber.
'I fell asleep' He whispered in his mind.
After a short while, his head started clearing up as well as his whole body. He was lying on the grass of the school's backyard, it seemed. It didn't take him long to find the strength to sit up. The breeze that greeted him had somehow made his consciousness recall the things he had last seen -or felt- before he opened his eyes.
He was in the pool, crying. His chest still felt heavy but his eyes and nose weren't red. It was really weird. He could still feel what he felt when he was crying yet he couldn't remember what exactly happened. He frowned upon realizing that the instant he woke up, the place wherever his subconsciousness had taken him completely shattered like a glass, leaving very little fragments that he would soon forget as well.
After giving up the thought of trying to remember everything that happened in his sleep, Haruka noticed he wasn't lying on the grass alone. The tall figure sleeping beside him was all too familiar.
"Makoto" he gently called the name. It felt weird again. When he woke up, he knew Makoto would be lying here. And he knew this wasn't a dream in a dream anymore because he could clearly remember what happened before they had fallen asleep here, he could clearly remember what happened yesterday, even last week. Not like in the previous 'waking ups' he experienced where he couldn't remember anything.
He knew all these yet, having felt before his own body this sleeping figure of Makoto, still made him so happy, relieved, secured and thankful.
Slowly, Haruka laid himself down next to Makoto and propped his right elbow on the grass so he could comfortably stare at his best friend while the guy slept.
When Makoto finally opened his eyes, he had this usual gentle smile on his face and it didn't fail to make Haruka feel warm. "Morning" Makoto said.
"It's already past noon." Haruka replied, his eyes complementing his lips as he smiled back at his best friend.
"Now that's a rare greeting right there" Makoto's smile grew wider. He closed his eyes again, as if savoring the fact that when he opened his eyes, it was Haruka's smile that welcomed him.
Haruka just continued staring at Makoto lovingly, all the things he felt in his dreams making him appreciate even just the calm breathing of this man beside him.
He had almost been to a world where this man wasn't existing anymore. He would never want to be there again.
"What now?" Makoto asked as his eyes opened with curiosity.
"Nothing." Haruka answered, still overwhelmed by the fact that Makoto was right here with him, breathing, living.
The bells rang, indicating that the day in school was over and it was now time to go home. But instead of rushing to the reality where they ought to be, none of the two figures moved an inch. They just laid beside each other, feeling the warm breeze and the rays of the gentle afternoon sun.