HA! I'M...UM...KIDDING?

[gypsygirl]

I should make this post private. Its gonna piss people off. I'm not allowed to care about my weight because I'm not 300 POUNDS!

I really did eat balanced today.
708 calories down the hatch

Current Weight
Your weight is 115 lb as of 10/21/2003.

Weight Goal
Your goal is to weigh 0 lb by 06/12/2004

Goal ProgressYou are currently 115 lb

Comments

[guitargrrl]

wow. that's some goal.

i weigh 86 lbs since i got out of the hospital. i will tell you what there is to look forward to once you drop below 100-

your hair thins and falls out.

your nails chip and break off.

you get sick and out of breath doing nothing really at all.

your kidneys and other fun organs start to starve and your brain starves so it eats itself for nutrients. this makes your memory and your brain stupid and you start feeling like a stoner.

at 100lbs and below, your ribs stick out and when you try to sleep at night, it hurts. badly.

clothes dont fit you.

skinny's not pretty. or fun. or healthy.

i understand it's a self image thing but i look at girls like you and i just think "what the fuck?" because i don't get it. you are perfect. absoulutly perfect. if its a mental thing i understand. i was a cutter and a self sabotager for years. but for chrissakes eat because youre not fat and you are beautiful and you're going to kill yourself.

madisun

[gypsygirl]

I know Madi. And I totally know where you're coming from. And its hard to explain. Its like dreaming about death all the time, even when you know people are fighting for their lives. I feel stupid that its important to me. Maybe its just another of my stupid plans to wipe myself off the face of the planet -- others guilt free. Then when I reach my impossible goal, everyone will pissed at my selfishness and not so sad.

I know its retarded. And I wish I could explain it away. But I can't. If my aches were physical, they'd be valid. Right? Right now they aren't.

I love you Madi. And I don't want you to be in pain. I'd give you some of my padding if I could. I'd rather me hurt to sleep than you.

[guitargrrl]

i needed to say something else cause when i read your comment to my comment, i reread what *i* wrote and i realized how utterly bitchy what i said sounded. i hate how sometimes with the internet, so much gets lost in (lack of) voice inflection and translation

[guitargrrl]

and i think your aches being mental or emotional are even more valid than physical. i just wanted to say that. 90 percent of my problems are emotional. i can easlily deal with lupus and kidney stones and anything else my body throws at me, but i can't get past sobbing myself to sleep every night and wishing i were anyone but me. so, believe me when i say i KNOW your pain IS valid. i'm sorry.

[gypsygirl]

uh yah. You're a stick! And you're goigeous! :)

[meadowgirl]

i won't lie to you. i do worry about both of you. but you'll do what you do. i won't tell you to eat healthy and exercise. i know you know it. and you feel you should punish yourself for living. when the person you loved most is gone. i get that. i do.

but i wish you would eat. and enjoy it. savor it and appreciate it for what it can do for you. going off the deep end is okay. not every day okay but it's still okay.

regardless i love you. period. you can't get rid of me. ever. i'm like one of those foxtails that burrow in your socks. you can't ever get it to stop poking you. :P

xoxo

[gypsygirl]

I wish I would enjoy it and savor it too. Instead, it goes down and I hate it. And I hate myself. And I want to just take it right back out like its poisoning me. But jezuz christ, I would give ANYTHING to just eat it. Enjoy it. Savor it. Because food is GOOD. And I hate it. But I love it. But I hate it. And I'm stupid. Because food is nothing to be at a battle with. Its food for goddess sake. How stupid. Nevertheless....

And you know what Kathy (hehe...just jokin my love) -- Katherine Katty Kat...I'd be so lost without you. I am so happy you are alive and on this planet. Thanks.

[meadowgirl]

*LOL* you are terrible for calling me the evil name. but i love you so i'll forgive you Aaron. *LOL* hehahahahahahahahahaaa...

have you ever thought about maybe talking to someone for this? i mean you should be able to enjoy life and food. ;) i know i go off the deep end. but i love to eat still...

xoxo
*mwah*

[gypsygirl]

Counseling Thursday.

I've never talked to shrinks about food issues. Only razor blades. I've never wanted to them to know I had issues, because I've never wanted them taken away.

[sweetpathos]

I remember calorie counting. I remember eating one meal a day. Weight Watchers Chicken Parmasean. The most vile-tasting, cardboard shit I've ever had. I remembering being 15, 5 ft 6 & 1/2 exactly, and weighing 104 pounds. That was the least I have ever weighed. My collarbone jutted out of my neck like it was broken, I was pale and sickly, and my mother, who at 13, told me I was too fat, finally realized something was really, really fucking wrong

[kaeruemi]

just repeating what others have said, but i wanted to add my voice too anyway... i don't think you're stupid. i understand where you're coming from. i'm not pissed, and i did weigh 300 pounds, but you still have every right to feel the way you do. hopefully those feelings will change before you lose those 115 pounds though :) and hopefully one of these days you'll be able to savor and enjoy. i love you just the way you are, and just the way you will be, whether that's 109 pounds or 300 pounds. really.

[kaeruemi]

'I'll be your mirror reflect what you are, in case you don't know'

I LOVE that song and thats what all your live journal friends are to you. Take care xx