worthless
Worhtless
kyungmyeon; romance; pg-13; 2,197 words
Kyungsoo is a lot of wonderful things and Junmyeon thinks he's not worthy enough to have him.
There’s always something with the way Kyungsoo’s skin feels against his that makes Junmyeon’s cheeks warm, with the way Kyungsoo speaks that makes the butterflies in Junmyeon’s stomach flutter, and with the way Kyungsoo smiles that makes Junmyeon’s heart swell. There’s always something about Kyungsoo that makes Junmyeon crazy.
Every time he happens to bump into Kyungsoo when buying bread in the store down the street, he turns on his heels and leaves instead, without anything in his arms when he gets back home (Kris, his roommate, gets mad, but he always lets Junmyeon off the hook because he understands what the younger is going through). Every time he happens to meet Kyungsoo along the way, it’s either he hangs his head low or looks away just so he wouldn’t meet the other man’s eyes.
It’s not that easy to ignore Kyungsoo because the moment Junmyeon hears him calling his name, he whips around and smiles at him, pretending he isn’t having a hard time not looking back at those big and beautiful eyes that are Kyungsoo’s. Why does Kyungsoo have to notice Junmyeon’s new shirt? Why does he have to notice Junmyeon’s messy hair? Why does he have to notice the little hole in Junmyeon’s jacket? And why does he have to ask ‘do you want me to sew it for you?’
Junmyeon could never ever say no.
Junmyeon tries so hard not to fall deeply in love with Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo always has the way to make him fail.
When you look at Junmyeon, he seems to look like he doesn’t have any problems. He always puts up a smile at everybody he knows, greets them a good day, and tells Kris he’s finer than yesterday. But there are so many thoughts running in his head, blaming himself when his parents died in an accident and being scared of falling in love so deeply and getting hurt so badly. Junmyeon thinks of what he has that could make Kyungsoo proud because he thinks he’s just a no good guy. He doesn’t count his singing as a talent because he compares himself to Kyungsoo most of the time, who sings really well, reaches even the highest of the highest tones, and catches everybody’s heart with his lovely voice. He isn’t also sure if he’s smart enough to be Kyungsoo’s boyfriend. He doesn’t do chores at home (he feels he’s a burden to Kris and considers moving to a new apartment); he can’t cook good food, he doesn’t wash the dishes nor the clothes, and he doesn’t even think of cleaning the house. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s lazy or he’s just not used to working when he still have his parents with him. He’s so used to being a rich kid, not thinking of doing any household chores that he thinks he’s not worth it for someone as hardworking as Kyungsoo.
He thinks he’s not good enough for Kyungsoo.
Junmyeon is seated in the balcony, phone on his left side, ringing. When it stops, Junmyeon sees the notifications, three miscalls and five messages, all from Kyungsoo. He wonders why the hell would Kyungsoo want to talk to him so bad, but the thought of not answering it is so overwhelming that even though the sound of the phone vibrating on the floor is very loud in his ears, he keeps ignoring it. He’s scared of what he might say to Kyungsoo once he answers the call and he’s scared of what Kyungsoo might answer once he’s done telling him ‘I miss you so much, Kyungsoo. Days feels like months when I don’t see you in the bread house, or when I don’t see you across the road. I-’
“Stop being an idiot and go and confess to Kyungsoo already,” Kris says to him as he enters the balcony. He looks down at Junmyeon and there’s suddenly the urge to laugh at how pathetic the younger boy looks like. But Kris knows better and he doesn’t want to make things worse so he just keeps quiet and stares up at the clouds. They look dark. It looks like it’s going to rain soon. It’s like they pity Junmyeon. It’s like they’re going to cry too once Junmyeon starts crying.
Junmyeon smiles bitterly to himself. “It’s not like I can’t confess to him,” he starts.
“It’s just that you think he won’t accept you because you’re not good enough?” Kris says before Junmyeon could continue what he’s going to say.
“Sadly,” the younger boy sighs.
Kris takes the space beside Junmyeon. He doesn’t say anything anymore when he hears Junmyeon sniffing. And then Junmyeon starts crying, mumbling through sniffles, ‘I would never be something Kyungsoo would want to have.’ His knuckles tremble as he fights the urge to cry, but the tears have already found their way out of his eyes. “It feels like I’m just going to be a burden to him. It feels like I’m just going to make him worry over me being pessimistic at all times. I feel like I still have to find a way to overcome this fear of getting hurt. I... I don’t want to expect so much just to be disappointed in the end. I... I don’t want someone special to leave me again. I don’t want to be alone again.” Junmyeon doesn’t know where they are coming from and he certainly doesn’t sound himself right now because he never talked about these things to Kris, he never told anybody about what he feels no matter how heavy they are already, and he never told anybody about how being pessimistic makes his misery grow worse everyday. But there’s something with the way Kris looks at him that tells him he shouldn’t stop speaking, that tells him he shouldn’t keep it all in him anymore, that tells him there has always been someone ready to listen to him and be his crying shoulder.
When Junmyeon’s tears are already unstoppable, Kris just gives him a warm smile. The smile that makes Junmyeon think he’s still lucky enough to be here. The smile that makes Junmyeon want to take back everything he said and do something to make his life better.
Junmyeon looks away because he can’t stand seeing a smile as beautiful as Kris’ anymore. He gets so insecured.
“You want to know what can help you overcome your fear of getting hurt?” Kris asks softly, looking at the clouds above. To his surprise (though it doesn’t reflect on his face), the clouds have started to get brighter. Maybe it’s because Junmyeon has finally opened up a piece of his heart to Kris that makes the sky happier. Or maybe it’s because Kris felt glad to hear Junmyeon speak to him about the things that have been burdening him all these months. He doesn’t remember when Junmyeon had started being what he is right now, but he’s certain that it has been long enough that he too had started hating himself for not being able to help his best friend.
Kris faces Junmyeon again, who’s had his hands on his face, covering his eyes and trying to make his tears stop from falling. There’s something painful in Kris’ chest. He feels like he can’t breathe because there’s something tight around his heart. He has never seen Junmyeon cry like this because he has always been quiet about what he’s going through, always telling him he’s fine, always telling him he’s feeling great.
For a second, Kris thinks twice about what he’s going to say next to Junmyeon, but even though it could make things worse (or maybe better, he hopes), he knows he still have to say it to him because he knows it’s the only thing that could help Junmyeon out of his misery. Junmyeon is his best friend and now that he’s finally opened up to him, Kris would certainly do everything, whatever it takes, to help Junmyeon.
Kris swallows before saying, “Tell Kyungsoo everything. Tell him you don’t like him being good to you. Tell him you don’t want to fall deeply in love with him because you don’t want to get hurt. Tell him you can’t stand him being around because it only makes you crazy and helpless. And then tell him you want him out of your life.”
Junmyeon looks at Kris, surprise written all over his face. His sniffles stop for a while as he tries to understand what Kris has just told him to do.
“Telling him those things as direct as you can will make things easier for you, Junmyeon,” Kris continues. “You won’t get hurt like how you would get hurt if you continue keeping it all inside.”
“But... I can’t,” Junmyeon said, his voice low and weak.
“Stop thinking you can’t do those things!” Kris raises his voice a bit, hoping it would somehow knock some sense into Junmyeon. “You’re a man capable of doing everything!” He feels sorry for having to raise his voice at Junmyeon, but he’s not going to apologize because he knows it’s for the good. It doesn’t matter anymore if it would make Junmyeon cry some more or get mad at him.
“I’m scared... I don’t want to hear Kyungsoo telling me he feels the same way. I’m scared to hear that... Kyungsoo wants me out of his life too,” he cried.
Kris closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. There’s a mixture of an overwhelming anger towards Junmyeon and pity towards Kyungsoo that kills his heart. “Listen,” he says, his voice calm. “Kyungsoo will never tell you those things, okay? Just this once, listen to me. Please? I’m so tired of seeing you like this everyday, Junmyeon. You don’t want Kyungsoo worrying over you. What about me? Don’t you think what you’re doing to yourself doesn’t make me worry?”
“I’m sorry...” Junmyeon says, looking away.
“I’m going to call Kyungsoo,” Kris says to him, his voice determined. He picks up Junmyeon’s phone from the ground and just when he’s about to dial Kyungsoo number, Junmyeon’s phone starts ringing. He looks at Junmyeon briefly, gets a shake of the head, and then answers the call. “Ah yes, Kyungsoo. This is Kris. I’m sorry, Junmyeon was going through some stupid deep shit that’s why he wasn’t able to answer your calls. You want to come over? Sure, I don’t mind. I was going to buy something in the mall anyway and I don’t want to leave Junmyeon behind. He’s currently at a state where he could do something horrible,” Kris lets out a short chuckle. “Sure. I won’t leave until you come. See you soon.” The phone call ends. He throws the phone to Junmyeon’s lap and stands up. “You look like shit.”
Junmyeon scurries to fix himself and prepare.
Kris smiles proudly to himself. Never has he thought he’s this good in making someone feel better.
Kyungsoo arrives thirty minutes later, with a bag of Croissants in his arms.
“Oh, hi there, Kyungsoo! It’s been a while since I last saw you!” Kris says cheerfully to Kyungsoo as he lets him in the house. “Junmyeon’s in his room. I’m going in five minutes. Do you want me to prepare you something to drink first?”
“I’m good, hyung,” Kyungsoo chuckles. “Thanks,” he smiles to Kris who takes the paper bag carefully from him.
“Mm, my lovely Chanyeol would love to eat these Croissants,” he says with a chuckle, disappearing into the kitchen.
Kyungsoo smiles. It’s been a while since he last saw Kris and Chanyeol together. Then he looks at the door leading to Junmyeon’s room. He’s doesn’t visit this place frequently, but he knows well where Junmyeon’s room is at because every time he does, it’s the only place in the house where he stays at.
Said door opens, and out comes Junmyeon, hair neatly combed to one side and face powdered. He looks like a cute baby that Kyungsoo wants to pinch his cheeks until they swell.
“Hi, Hyung!” Kyungsoo greets first, smile too wide and beautiful that it almost sends Junmyeon back to his room to flip everything together with himself.
“Hi,” Junmyeon greets back, trying his hard not to sound ecstatic. He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo for a week, okay?
“How you doing?” Kyungsoo asks, the happiness on his face quickly replaced by a worried expression.
Kris smiles at them both before quickly leaving the house.
“I’m good,” Junmyeon says, a smile sculpted perfectly on his lips.
“No, you’re not,” Kyungsoo states, walking towards Junmyeon before pulling him into a tight hug. “Kris hyung told me you were going through a lot.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widen. What- wait- does that mean...
“Is that why you were calling me earlier?” Junmyeon asks, his lips trembling as the fear of hearing a ‘no’ comes out from Kyungsoo’s lips.
“Yes.”
Junmyeon swallows as tears formed automatically at the sides of his eyes.
Kyungsoo pulls away, saying, “And he also told me you’re going crazy because you can’t tell me you like me,” Kyungsoo chuckles.
Before Junmyeon can say anything to deny it and defend himself, he feels Kyungsoo’s soft and warm lips pressed against his.
--
second to the last very screwed up story i have written before i felt like i couldn't write fanfics anymore kjdsafhosdhfosdkf
kyungmyeon; romance; pg-13; 2,197 words
Kyungsoo is a lot of wonderful things and Junmyeon thinks he's not worthy enough to have him.
There’s always something with the way Kyungsoo’s skin feels against his that makes Junmyeon’s cheeks warm, with the way Kyungsoo speaks that makes the butterflies in Junmyeon’s stomach flutter, and with the way Kyungsoo smiles that makes Junmyeon’s heart swell. There’s always something about Kyungsoo that makes Junmyeon crazy.
Every time he happens to bump into Kyungsoo when buying bread in the store down the street, he turns on his heels and leaves instead, without anything in his arms when he gets back home (Kris, his roommate, gets mad, but he always lets Junmyeon off the hook because he understands what the younger is going through). Every time he happens to meet Kyungsoo along the way, it’s either he hangs his head low or looks away just so he wouldn’t meet the other man’s eyes.
It’s not that easy to ignore Kyungsoo because the moment Junmyeon hears him calling his name, he whips around and smiles at him, pretending he isn’t having a hard time not looking back at those big and beautiful eyes that are Kyungsoo’s. Why does Kyungsoo have to notice Junmyeon’s new shirt? Why does he have to notice Junmyeon’s messy hair? Why does he have to notice the little hole in Junmyeon’s jacket? And why does he have to ask ‘do you want me to sew it for you?’
Junmyeon could never ever say no.
Junmyeon tries so hard not to fall deeply in love with Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo always has the way to make him fail.
When you look at Junmyeon, he seems to look like he doesn’t have any problems. He always puts up a smile at everybody he knows, greets them a good day, and tells Kris he’s finer than yesterday. But there are so many thoughts running in his head, blaming himself when his parents died in an accident and being scared of falling in love so deeply and getting hurt so badly. Junmyeon thinks of what he has that could make Kyungsoo proud because he thinks he’s just a no good guy. He doesn’t count his singing as a talent because he compares himself to Kyungsoo most of the time, who sings really well, reaches even the highest of the highest tones, and catches everybody’s heart with his lovely voice. He isn’t also sure if he’s smart enough to be Kyungsoo’s boyfriend. He doesn’t do chores at home (he feels he’s a burden to Kris and considers moving to a new apartment); he can’t cook good food, he doesn’t wash the dishes nor the clothes, and he doesn’t even think of cleaning the house. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s lazy or he’s just not used to working when he still have his parents with him. He’s so used to being a rich kid, not thinking of doing any household chores that he thinks he’s not worth it for someone as hardworking as Kyungsoo.
He thinks he’s not good enough for Kyungsoo.
Junmyeon is seated in the balcony, phone on his left side, ringing. When it stops, Junmyeon sees the notifications, three miscalls and five messages, all from Kyungsoo. He wonders why the hell would Kyungsoo want to talk to him so bad, but the thought of not answering it is so overwhelming that even though the sound of the phone vibrating on the floor is very loud in his ears, he keeps ignoring it. He’s scared of what he might say to Kyungsoo once he answers the call and he’s scared of what Kyungsoo might answer once he’s done telling him ‘I miss you so much, Kyungsoo. Days feels like months when I don’t see you in the bread house, or when I don’t see you across the road. I-’
“Stop being an idiot and go and confess to Kyungsoo already,” Kris says to him as he enters the balcony. He looks down at Junmyeon and there’s suddenly the urge to laugh at how pathetic the younger boy looks like. But Kris knows better and he doesn’t want to make things worse so he just keeps quiet and stares up at the clouds. They look dark. It looks like it’s going to rain soon. It’s like they pity Junmyeon. It’s like they’re going to cry too once Junmyeon starts crying.
Junmyeon smiles bitterly to himself. “It’s not like I can’t confess to him,” he starts.
“It’s just that you think he won’t accept you because you’re not good enough?” Kris says before Junmyeon could continue what he’s going to say.
“Sadly,” the younger boy sighs.
Kris takes the space beside Junmyeon. He doesn’t say anything anymore when he hears Junmyeon sniffing. And then Junmyeon starts crying, mumbling through sniffles, ‘I would never be something Kyungsoo would want to have.’ His knuckles tremble as he fights the urge to cry, but the tears have already found their way out of his eyes. “It feels like I’m just going to be a burden to him. It feels like I’m just going to make him worry over me being pessimistic at all times. I feel like I still have to find a way to overcome this fear of getting hurt. I... I don’t want to expect so much just to be disappointed in the end. I... I don’t want someone special to leave me again. I don’t want to be alone again.” Junmyeon doesn’t know where they are coming from and he certainly doesn’t sound himself right now because he never talked about these things to Kris, he never told anybody about what he feels no matter how heavy they are already, and he never told anybody about how being pessimistic makes his misery grow worse everyday. But there’s something with the way Kris looks at him that tells him he shouldn’t stop speaking, that tells him he shouldn’t keep it all in him anymore, that tells him there has always been someone ready to listen to him and be his crying shoulder.
When Junmyeon’s tears are already unstoppable, Kris just gives him a warm smile. The smile that makes Junmyeon think he’s still lucky enough to be here. The smile that makes Junmyeon want to take back everything he said and do something to make his life better.
Junmyeon looks away because he can’t stand seeing a smile as beautiful as Kris’ anymore. He gets so insecured.
“You want to know what can help you overcome your fear of getting hurt?” Kris asks softly, looking at the clouds above. To his surprise (though it doesn’t reflect on his face), the clouds have started to get brighter. Maybe it’s because Junmyeon has finally opened up a piece of his heart to Kris that makes the sky happier. Or maybe it’s because Kris felt glad to hear Junmyeon speak to him about the things that have been burdening him all these months. He doesn’t remember when Junmyeon had started being what he is right now, but he’s certain that it has been long enough that he too had started hating himself for not being able to help his best friend.
Kris faces Junmyeon again, who’s had his hands on his face, covering his eyes and trying to make his tears stop from falling. There’s something painful in Kris’ chest. He feels like he can’t breathe because there’s something tight around his heart. He has never seen Junmyeon cry like this because he has always been quiet about what he’s going through, always telling him he’s fine, always telling him he’s feeling great.
For a second, Kris thinks twice about what he’s going to say next to Junmyeon, but even though it could make things worse (or maybe better, he hopes), he knows he still have to say it to him because he knows it’s the only thing that could help Junmyeon out of his misery. Junmyeon is his best friend and now that he’s finally opened up to him, Kris would certainly do everything, whatever it takes, to help Junmyeon.
Kris swallows before saying, “Tell Kyungsoo everything. Tell him you don’t like him being good to you. Tell him you don’t want to fall deeply in love with him because you don’t want to get hurt. Tell him you can’t stand him being around because it only makes you crazy and helpless. And then tell him you want him out of your life.”
Junmyeon looks at Kris, surprise written all over his face. His sniffles stop for a while as he tries to understand what Kris has just told him to do.
“Telling him those things as direct as you can will make things easier for you, Junmyeon,” Kris continues. “You won’t get hurt like how you would get hurt if you continue keeping it all inside.”
“But... I can’t,” Junmyeon said, his voice low and weak.
“Stop thinking you can’t do those things!” Kris raises his voice a bit, hoping it would somehow knock some sense into Junmyeon. “You’re a man capable of doing everything!” He feels sorry for having to raise his voice at Junmyeon, but he’s not going to apologize because he knows it’s for the good. It doesn’t matter anymore if it would make Junmyeon cry some more or get mad at him.
“I’m scared... I don’t want to hear Kyungsoo telling me he feels the same way. I’m scared to hear that... Kyungsoo wants me out of his life too,” he cried.
Kris closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. There’s a mixture of an overwhelming anger towards Junmyeon and pity towards Kyungsoo that kills his heart. “Listen,” he says, his voice calm. “Kyungsoo will never tell you those things, okay? Just this once, listen to me. Please? I’m so tired of seeing you like this everyday, Junmyeon. You don’t want Kyungsoo worrying over you. What about me? Don’t you think what you’re doing to yourself doesn’t make me worry?”
“I’m sorry...” Junmyeon says, looking away.
“I’m going to call Kyungsoo,” Kris says to him, his voice determined. He picks up Junmyeon’s phone from the ground and just when he’s about to dial Kyungsoo number, Junmyeon’s phone starts ringing. He looks at Junmyeon briefly, gets a shake of the head, and then answers the call. “Ah yes, Kyungsoo. This is Kris. I’m sorry, Junmyeon was going through some stupid deep shit that’s why he wasn’t able to answer your calls. You want to come over? Sure, I don’t mind. I was going to buy something in the mall anyway and I don’t want to leave Junmyeon behind. He’s currently at a state where he could do something horrible,” Kris lets out a short chuckle. “Sure. I won’t leave until you come. See you soon.” The phone call ends. He throws the phone to Junmyeon’s lap and stands up. “You look like shit.”
Junmyeon scurries to fix himself and prepare.
Kris smiles proudly to himself. Never has he thought he’s this good in making someone feel better.
Kyungsoo arrives thirty minutes later, with a bag of Croissants in his arms.
“Oh, hi there, Kyungsoo! It’s been a while since I last saw you!” Kris says cheerfully to Kyungsoo as he lets him in the house. “Junmyeon’s in his room. I’m going in five minutes. Do you want me to prepare you something to drink first?”
“I’m good, hyung,” Kyungsoo chuckles. “Thanks,” he smiles to Kris who takes the paper bag carefully from him.
“Mm, my lovely Chanyeol would love to eat these Croissants,” he says with a chuckle, disappearing into the kitchen.
Kyungsoo smiles. It’s been a while since he last saw Kris and Chanyeol together. Then he looks at the door leading to Junmyeon’s room. He’s doesn’t visit this place frequently, but he knows well where Junmyeon’s room is at because every time he does, it’s the only place in the house where he stays at.
Said door opens, and out comes Junmyeon, hair neatly combed to one side and face powdered. He looks like a cute baby that Kyungsoo wants to pinch his cheeks until they swell.
“Hi, Hyung!” Kyungsoo greets first, smile too wide and beautiful that it almost sends Junmyeon back to his room to flip everything together with himself.
“Hi,” Junmyeon greets back, trying his hard not to sound ecstatic. He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo for a week, okay?
“How you doing?” Kyungsoo asks, the happiness on his face quickly replaced by a worried expression.
Kris smiles at them both before quickly leaving the house.
“I’m good,” Junmyeon says, a smile sculpted perfectly on his lips.
“No, you’re not,” Kyungsoo states, walking towards Junmyeon before pulling him into a tight hug. “Kris hyung told me you were going through a lot.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widen. What- wait- does that mean...
“Is that why you were calling me earlier?” Junmyeon asks, his lips trembling as the fear of hearing a ‘no’ comes out from Kyungsoo’s lips.
“Yes.”
Junmyeon swallows as tears formed automatically at the sides of his eyes.
Kyungsoo pulls away, saying, “And he also told me you’re going crazy because you can’t tell me you like me,” Kyungsoo chuckles.
Before Junmyeon can say anything to deny it and defend himself, he feels Kyungsoo’s soft and warm lips pressed against his.
--
second to the last very screwed up story i have written before i felt like i couldn't write fanfics anymore kjdsafhosdhfosdkf