Drifting Hearts: Chapter Two & Three
Chapter 2
Jared slowly closes the cover of his cell phone. “Sorry about that.” He looks up at Jensen as he leans against the back of the truck. He holds his cell against his lap. “I’m just so damn popular.”
Jensen watches as Jared lowers his head, he’s not sure if he should ask; not sure if he wants to ask.
“His name’s Dale.” Jared looks back up at Jensen with a small smile.
“Your vacation?”
“Yeah. I met him at some promotions thing and he doesn’t seem to want to take a hint.”
Jensen shifts uncomfortably. He’s known Jared’s gay for about three years now, two whole weeks before Jared was sent to live with his father in LA, a chance to follow his dreams of becoming an actor. “When did you two…?”
Jared sniffs a laugh. “About four months. My eighteenth actually.”
Jensen leans forwards, hands reaching into the truck and dragging his board towards him. “We gonna surf or what?” He grins. He really doesn’t need to know anything else.
Jared gives a loud laugh. “Sure.” He stands up and grabs his own board. “Last one out there has to try and buy more beer.”
Jensen laughs. “Hope you can keep up.”
~*~
Jensen leans back in the large, foam-cushioned seat and watches Jared from over the top of his beer. He watches as Jared turns over the pages of his sketchbook.
“And they didn’t accept you?” Jared looks at the final drawing.
Jensen shrugs and takes a long drink from his beer, eyes glancing around the large garden.
“You’re amazing, you know.”
“No I’m not.” Jensen raises an eyebrow as he lowers his now empty beer to the paved ground.
Jared keeps turning the pages, surprised as he nears the end and a large brown envelope slides into his lap.
Jensen’s eyes go wide as he jumps forward across to Jared’s side, eager to retrieve the envelope.
Jared laughs as he ends up with a lap full of Jensen. “Hey.” He grabs the envelope and holds it above his head, just out of Jensen’s reach. He feels the man tense next to him.
“Can I have it back, please?” Jensen stills and looks up at the envelope.
Jared meets Jensen’s eyes, slowly lowering the envelope as Jensen pushes against his thigh. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” He takes the envelope. “Just something for me to think about.”
Jared nods and lets the sketchbook fall open to the middle page. “Wow.”
“Jesse,” Jensen says quietly as he looks over Jared’s shoulder.
“He looks sad.”
Jensen looks down at the dark lines, the small figure in the very plain, sharp edged little world he had created. “It was just before his dad left. He came into my room.” He shakes his head and leans over Jared, his free hand pushing the book closed.
Jared holds onto the book, feeling the slight pull as Jensen tries to take it from him. “You don’t think it’s good?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Jensen gives another pull, but Jared isn’t letting go.
“You are. You always were.”
Jensen pulls hard, the book finally freed from Jared’s grip. He places it on the floor beside them and turns back to Jared, punching him on the arm.
“What was that for?” Jared can’t help but grin.
Jensen smiles and gives a shrug. “Ass.”
Jared laughs and pushes against Jensen’s chest; the start of playful wrestling as they fall back on the thin cushion. “Ow.” He rolls off Jensen as he finds a squirming elbow connecting with his throat. “Adam’s Apple.”
Jensen laughs and raises his arms above his head. “I’m trashed.” He hadn’t realised how many beers he’s actually had, only noticing now with the quick movements as his head starts to spin. He rolls his head to one side, a small smile as he finds Jared lying beside him, eyes connecting with his.
Jared swallows nervously, the back of his hand brushing the material of Jensen’s sweatshirt across his stomach. He slowly moves his hand higher, his fingers playing with the tassel of the hood of Jensen’s sweatshirt; all the time, he keeps his eyes on Jensen’s, a soft glaze to those bright green eyes.
It takes a moment, stolen touches over material, before Jared feels brave enough. He leans forwards, his lips brushing Jensen’s. He gets no reaction, no acceptance, but no pushing him away. Gently he raises his hand to Jensen’s cheek, fingertips brushing over the other man’s jaw as he deepens the kiss with a firmer press of his lips to Jensen’s.
Jensen blinks as Jared pulls away. He doesn’t know what he feels. Right now, the most prominent feeling is the swirl of alcohol in his head. He turns his head away, eyes closing as he feels the weight of sleep bearing down on him.
Jared sucks at his lower lip as he watches Jensen fall asleep. He rests his head against one of the small throw cushions and continues to watch until he himself finds too much alcohol getting the better of him, and he gives in to sleep.
~*~
Jensen slowly opens his eyes to find a cushion held tightly to his chest. He raises his head from the seat and turns to look over his shoulder. “Shit.” He sits up and rubs a hand over his short hair. What the hell did he do? He looks back down at Jared who is curled into a ball on the other side of the outdoor seat. “Shit,” he whispers again as he gets to his feet.
~*~
Nora gets up from the kitchen table as she hears the front door slam shut. “Where the hell were you?”
“You’ll make it.” Jensen opens the refrigerator, and takes a quick mouthful from the carton of juice.
Nora looks at him in amazement. “I was worried. Where were you?” She asks again.
“Surfing.” He pushes the refrigerator door shut.
“All night?”
Jensen rubs a hand over his forehead. “Look, do you want a ride or what?” He looks at Nora.
Nora narrows her eyes, something was up, she knew that. “Jesse, get in the car.”
Jensen steps back as Nora pushes past him. He leans his head back against the refrigerator door. “Fuck.”
~*~
Hot water falls from the shower head and tumbles across Jensen’s tanned skin. He closes his eyes, thoughts and images washing over him, as sand and salt-sea air is stripped from his skin. He’d been back to the cove that evening, spent some time amongst the waves, happy, quiet and thoughtful.
“Hey.”
Jensen opens his eyes, the blurred image of his sister through the frosted shower door.
“Hey,” he replies, hands pushing water back through his hair and washing away some of the shampoo.
“So I hear Jared’s back.”
“Yeah.”
“You two been hanging out?” She leans back against the wash basin.
Jensen stops and watches his sister through the door. He wipes a hand across his mouth. “Sure, surfing.”
“You do know he’s gay, right?”
Jensen turns off the shower. “So?”
“I just don’t think you should be hanging out with him is all. I mean, I don’t want Jesse near all that.”
“What? I’ve been surfing with him since I was like eight.”
“That all you did?”
Jensen grabs his towel from over the top of the shower and wraps it around his waist. He slides open the shower door and looks at Nora. “I’m late, get out.”
Nora folds her arms across her chest. “You’re not… you know?”
“What, Nora?” Jensen holds his sisters gaze.
“You never tell me anything anymore. I mean, you and Tori?”
“There’s nothing to tell, okay.” He glances towards the open door. “Do you mind?”
Nora shakes her head, a loud sigh as she leaves the bathroom.
Jensen pushes a hand back through his hair, wet droplets falling to his shoulders. He turns and looks in the mirror above the wash basin. He leans forwards, hands gripping the enamel surface as he meets his own eyes, and searches for some kind of answer, some solution to all this confusion inside him. Jared had kissed him and he’d let him. He raises a hand and wipes away the thin layer of steam, the green of his eyes brighter somehow. He lowers his head and looks at his hands, his fingers tightening around the basin. He wants to be selfish. Just this one time, he wants something for himself.
~*~
Another day and with Nora at work, once again Jensen is left in charge of Jesse. He smiles as he leans back against his car and watches Jesse play in the sand, the boy surrounding himself with a dozen sandcastles of varying shapes and sizes. “You okay?”
Jesse raises his head and smiles.
“Hey, Jensen.”
Jensen squints against the sun as he looks up at Jared. He’s dressed in a blue wetsuit, hair damp and brushed back from his face. “Hi.” Jensen glances back at Jesse, Nora’s words whispering in his head.
“So I tried to call you,” Jared offers.
“I’ve been busy.” Jensen focuses his attention on Jesse.
Jared turns to watch Jesse as well. “This Jesse?” He asks.
Jensen nods. “Jesse, we need to go,” he calls.
Jesse frowns. “But I want to finish.”
“Jesse.” Jensen looks at him sternly.
“Let him finish,” Jared suggests.
“We need to get home.”
Jared looks from Jesse to Jensen. “I thought maybe we could talk about the other night.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“But…”
“Just leave it, yeah?” Jensen pushes himself away from the trunk of his car. “Jesse. Time to go.” He walks around to the passenger side and pulls open the door, waiting for Jesse to do as he’s asked.
“But my castle, the tide…”
Jared smiles and walks up to Jesse. He crouches down and admires the piles of shaped sand. “You know the best thing to do?”
Jensen watches as Jesse shakes his head.
Jared gets to his feet and holds out his hand to Jesse. “The best thing is to take three steps back.” He takes wide strides, Jesse holding his hand and taking nearer five steps to keep up. “You then rush forwards and jump right in the middle of it.”
“But that will break it.”
Jared smiles. “Better you break it than the tide, right? Building it was fun. Jumping on it is twice as fun.”
Jensen’s grip tightens on the car door handle. He wishes Jared hadn’t done this. He can’t help but allow a small smile creep across his face as Jared and Jesse run forwards, two pairs of feet landing in amongst the shaped sand. He watches as they kick and jump around in circles, the hard work of the last hour being destroyed.
Jesse squeals as he jumps up and down, his hand still in Jared’s as they squash the sand back down.
Jared stops and pretends to be worn out. “There. Fun, right?”
Jesse smiles and pulls his hand from Jared’s, running over to Jensen. “Did you see? Did you see?” He bounces in front of Jensen, pulling at the bottom of Jensen’s t-shirt.
Jensen smiles and gives a small nod. “I saw. You want to thank Jared for helping?”
Jesse turns around. “Thank you.”
Jared raises a hand and waves, watching first Jesse and then Jensen get into the car. He stands for a moment, watching as the vehicle moves away. He obviously made a mistake when he kissed Jensen, because this isn’t what he’d hoped for.
~*~
Jensen taps his pen against the back of the note book. He stares at the ever growing list of things that need doing. He feels trapped. He sighs, looking up as he hears a bump and a giggle coming from down the hall. He sits and listens for a moment, Nora’s voice coming clearly from the kitchen.
Jensen gets off his bed and slowly wanders along the hallway, stopping as he gets to the kitchen door. He looks through the gap, watching as Nora is pushed back against the refrigerator, hot lips and hands over her as she laughs some more. Jensen sniffs a laugh and makes his way back to his bedroom, his sneakers pulled quickly on. He then makes his way back towards the kitchen, not caring if he interrupts the scene still playing out in there.
“Jensen?” Nora clears her throat and tries to straighten her hair and outfit, the guy having taken a step away from her. “You going somewhere?”
“Jesse’s asleep.” Jensen doesn’t respond to her question. “I’m glad you’ve enjoyed your night.” He doesn’t hang around to talk; it’s not Nora he wants to talk to.
~*~
Jared yawns as he makes his way downstairs. It’s eleven-thirty and someone’s banging on the front door. He moves his head from side to side, trying to stretch away some of the tiredness. He’d nearly been asleep.
“Jensen?” He looks curiously at the man he finds on the other side of the door.
Jensen looks at Jared. He just wants something. He doesn’t say anything, a second’s hesitation before he’s stepping inside, hands wrapping around the back of Jared’s head as he pulls him close. He doesn’t think, his mouth covering Jared’s as he moves him back towards the stairs.
Jared closes his eyes, his hands falling to Jensen’s chest. He lets Jensen kiss him for a little while, before gently pushing against Jensen’s chest, the kiss breaking. He looks at Jensen, Jensen looking straight back at him. He considers asking if Jensen is sure, is this really what he wants? But he doesn’t get the chance, Jensen pulling at the hem of his t-shirt, the material pulled quickly up and over his head, and discarded just as quickly to the floor. Jared smiles, more kisses and hands fumbling with clothing as they make their way up the stairs.
Jensen can’t stop, he doesn’t want to; hands wrapping around the back of Jared’s head once more as he pulls him close. Jared’s hands in turn, pulling at the belt of his jeans as they continue to move upwards. It takes mere moments for them both to be naked and falling back onto the large bed. Jensen holds Jared’s face, their eyes meeting as he looks up at the man above him. He’s never even considered that this is what he’s been missing, that this could be something he wants, something for himself; not until now.
Jared smiles and lays gentle kisses across Jensen’s mouth, jaw, cheeks and neck. He moves his kisses lower; nipping and sucking his way towards Jensen’s chest and back up again. He rolls them over, Jensen now above him and copying the trail of kisses he had traced across Jensen’s chest. He reaches for Jensen’s head, guiding him higher, their mouths locked together once more.
Jensen is desperate for the connection, kissing and touching Jared’s upper body until he finds himself flipped over once more. He looks up at Jared, a small smile as Jared moves downwards. He closes his eyes and focuses on the kisses. His breathing is unsteady, as he feels Jared kissing lower; fingers brushing the insides of his thighs.
Jared moves slowly, gentle touches, his lips moving over Jensen’s hip bones and thighs. He forces himself to take his time, giving Jensen all of his attention; teeth grazing and his tongue licking a line over tanned skin. He wants to know every part of Jensen no matter how slowly he has to take this.
~*~
Jensen opens his eyes, the sun warm as it shines through the window and onto his pillow. He stares across the room; he can feel Jared stirring behind him.
“Morning.”
Jensen feels Jared’s arm come to rest across his waist on top of the covers. “Morning,” he replies. “What time is it?”
Jared looks around the room. “No idea. You need to be somewhere?”
Jensen bites on his lower lip, he does need to be somewhere. Jesse will need his breakfast. “I do.” He goes to sit up, Jared’s arm still around him.
Jared gently pulls Jensen back to the mattress, a kiss to the side of his face. “You’re really talented.”
Jensen laughs. “What?”
“Just thought I should say something. You shouldn’t waste that. All that work.”
Jensen smiles and leans forwards. “Thanks.” He kisses Jared, a proper kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you soon. Okay?”
Jared loosens his hold. “I better.”
~*~
Jensen hums to himself as he makes a sandwich, slices of chicken arranged neatly across the sliced bread
“You’re home then?” Nora sits down at the kitchen table. “I tried calling you.”
Jensen turns to face her, the sandwich in his hand. “Did you need something?”
“I need to know you’re there.”
Jensen gives a sniffed laugh. “I’m always here.” He takes a bite of his sandwich.
“Not last night.”
“What?”
Nora taps her fingers on the table top. “Lance is going to Portland for the weekend, looking into jobs there. He’s asked me to go with him. He goes this evening.”
Jensen leans back against the kitchen unit. “Lance?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen raises an eyebrow. “The guy from last night?”
“Yeah. We hit it off the other week.” She looks at Jensen. “I think it’ll be really good for me to get out of this place for a little while.”
Jensen shakes his head. “I was hoping to have the weekend to myself.”
“To do what?” Nora tucks a strand of her dark hair behind her ear and looks curiously at Jensen.
“Just some stuff.”
“Who is it?”
Jensen shrugs. “Who’s what?”
“Who is it that you’re screwing?” She adds matter-of-factly.
Jensen takes another bite of his sandwich, a slow chew as he looks at his sister.
“It’s not Tori. So who is it?”
He shakes his head. “No one, okay. There’s no one.”
“Then you’re free this weekend, right? No reason you can’t watch Jesse?” She points out.
Jensen rubs a hand over his eyes; the truth stabbing at his temple.
“You’re all I’ve got, Jen.”
Jensen lowers his hand and meets Nora’s eyes. “I know,” he says and makes his way through to his bedroom. He really does know.
~*~
Jensen holds the brush steady. He hasn’t painted in what seems like forever. Carefully he follows the pale etched outline, biting his lip as he concentrates on being as accurate as he can. He has to focus, has to be sure that what he’s thinking about doing is the right thing. His cell starts to vibrate on his bedside, he reaches over. Jared.
“Hey,” he says as he flips open the cover.
“Hey, yourself,” Jared replies. “So, what’s up?”
Jensen laughs and pulls his legs up onto the bed. “I’m good. Painting.” It’s almost as if he can hear Jared smile on the other end of the call.
“So what’re you up to tonight? I thought I could cook.”
Jensen laughs. “You? Cook?”
“Sure, I have a microwave, right?”
“I think so.”
Jared chuckles. “I’ll stick the grill on, steak or something?”
“Who’s that?” Nora asks from the door of his bedroom.
Jensen lowers his cell to his chest and looks up at Nora. “No one.”
Nora leans her head against the door frame. “So this weekend? Lance needs to know.”
Jensen holds his cell more tightly to himself.
“Jen?”
“Fine,” he finally says. “Okay.”
Nora smiles and heads back down the hall.
Jensen closes his eyes, thinking for a moment what to say to Jared.
“Jen?” Jensen hears his name as he raises his cell phone back to his ear. “So about seven?”
Jensen clears his throat. One weekend, that’s all he wanted. “I can’t.”
Jared goes quiet for a moment.
“Sorry.”
“Why?” Jared asks, simply.
Jensen sighs, “Nora’s going away. I’ll need to look after Jesse.”
“Well, bring him too.”
Jensen frowns. “What? Really?”
“Sure, he seems great. He can play on Chris’s X-box or something.”
Jensen smiles. “You mean it?”
Jared laughs. “Of course. Look I’ll see you around seven, okay?”
“Okay.” Jensen lowers his cell and smiles. Jared was willing to spend time with him, and with Jesse. He glances to the back of his bedroom door. Nora wouldn’t like it if she knew. But, who said he had to tell her?
~*~
Jensen closes his eyes as Jared kisses him, warm hands on his waist. He smiles as he breathes in the merged scent of alcohol and Jared’s cologne. He raises a hand, gently curling his fingers through the back of Jared’s hair.
“Stay.”
Jensen kisses the word from Jared’s lips. He wants to but he knows he can’t. Slowly he pulls back, a light lick of his lips as he looks up at Jared. “I can’t. I need to get Jesse home.”
“There’s Chris’s room.”
Jensen smiles. “I know. But, I’d prefer him to be somewhere he knows.”
Jared leans forwards, another kiss. “Okay. You’re so good to him.”
Jensen shrugs. “He’s my family. It’s all we have.”
Jared decides against saying anything else. He knows the subject is a difficult one to broach with Jensen, and after such a relaxed evening, he really doesn’t want this ending on a bad note. He simply smiles and pulls Jensen close to him and into a firm hug, Jensen’s head resting against his shoulder. “You sure you won’t stay?”
“I would but…It’s better Jesse has his own bed.”
Jared reluctantly releases Jensen. “Well he’s certainly happy on the couch.”
Jensen laughs and stands on tip toes to spy Jesse through the window, the small boy curled under his jacket. “Falling asleep is not so bad, but he doesn’t like waking in strange places.”
“I enjoyed tonight.”
Jensen turns back to Jared, wearing a warm smile. “I did too. You have no idea.”
Jared brushes his mouth against Jensen’s. “I think I might.”
Jensen lowers his head, putting a stride between their bodies. “I should get him home.” He makes his way inside.
Jared tilts his head to one side and watches as Jensen picks Jesse up off the couch; he’s so gentle. He smiles to himself as Jesse wakes a little, small hands rubbing over tired eyes. He really has enjoyed spending time with both of them tonight. It kind of feels like something he’s been missing these last couple of years in LA.
Jensen holds Jesse close to his chest, an armful of jacket and child. “Thanks again,” Jensen says as he returns to Jared outside. “We had fun.”
“It’s okay.” Jared reaches out his hand, a small touch to Jensen’s arm.
Jensen cautiously steps back, aware of the half sleeping boy in his arms. “Well, later then.”
“Sure,” Jared agrees. “I’ll call you.”
Jensen nods and starts down the side of the house, a final glance over his shoulder before Jared disappears from his sight. He smiles to himself. Nothing can ruin the feeling he has in his chest at this moment. He feels almost… in love.
Chapter 3
He had believed nothing could ruin that feeling inside him. The whole weekend he, Jared and Jesse had spent time together. Jared even cleaned up one of Chris’s small boards from when they were kids and gave it to Jesse as a gift, a brand new wetsuit thrown in as well. Jensen almost felt guilty. They hadn’t been able to afford anything like that before.
“You shouldn’t have,” Jensen had suggested, but Jared would hear none of it.
“He’s a great kid. Really, it’s fine. I mean the board’s Chris’s, the suit cost barely anything. He deserves a little something. You two have kept me from going insane by myself.”
More days past and Jensen spent as much time as he could with Jared. They surfed together, ate together and on the rare occasions Jensen was free to do so, they spent the night together. Then came the first thing that struck a sharp pain in his heart.
“You’ll be going back to LA soon,” Jensen says quietly, his hand falling to Jared’s bare chest.
Jared rests his hand over Jensen’s, his head moving against the large, feather-filled pillow. “I’m pretty happy here you know.”
Jensen watches Jared’s fingers curl around his hand. “Yeah,” he sighs.
Jared looks at Jensen thoughtfully. “You could come with me. To LA.”
Jensen wants to laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. You could come with me. I live right near Cal Arts.” Jared grins.
Jensen frowns. “I wish I could.” He closes his eyes as he feels Jared’s hand against his cheek.
“I’m glad you’re here.” Jared smiles and turns his hand over as he continues to brush it against Jensen’s jaw.
“Me too.” Jensen returns the smile. He really is.
“Yo, bro.”
Jensen’s eyes widen, both men sitting upright as they hear the familiar voice echoing up the stairs.
“Chris!” They speak together. Jensen instantly rolls out of bed to start collecting up his clothes, as Jared rushes around, pulling his t-shirt and shorts quickly up.
“Where are you, dude?”
“Fuck!” Jensen hops on one foot as he pulls up his jeans, managing to make it to the bathroom as they hear Chris on the stairs.
“You got a guy in there, you slut?”
Jared checks the room and rushes to the bedroom door, opening it just as Chris gets to the other side.
“Dude, catch you beating off?”
“No.” Jared pushes Chris in the shoulder.
“A girl?”
“As if. I was sleeping.” Jared wanders back into the room, eyes flitting around for any evidence of what had been going on.
“So, my princess baby bro, how’s things?” Chris falls back on the bed.
Jared shrugs. “Yeah, fine.”
“Thought you’d have sorted your new place out by now.”
Jared sighs. “Yeah, well. Just seemed easier here.”
Chris rolls his eyes. “There’ll be other guys. Better guys.” He grins.
“What are you doing here anyway?” Jared asks, eyeing Chris curiously.
“Heard you were here and thought I should swing by, check everything was okay.”
Jared smiles. “Jensen said you liked me really.”
“Oh, you’ve seen Jen?”
Jared nods. “Yeah. He was here sorting his board when I got back.”
“Great.” Chris claps his hands together and gets off the bed. “We should all hang out, go surfing. I’ll give him a call.”
Jensen’s eyes go wide, his hands reaching desperately in his jeans pocket for his cell.
“How about we go grab something to eat first? Catch up?”
Chris shrugs, pushing his own cell back into the back pocket of his shorts. “Sounds cool.”
“Great. Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right down.” Gently he guides Chris back towards the door.
“Not shy are we?” Chris smirks.
“Just don’t want you getting jealous.” A final push and Chris is out on the landing. “I’ll be with you in ten.”
“Remember, you’re already pretty.”
Jared shoots Chris an annoyed look. He hasn’t missed Chris’s attempts at humour over him being gay. “I’ll be right with you.” He pushes the door shut and silently slides the bolt across, listening as Chris heads back downstairs.
“Fuck.”
Jared turns around to find Jensen standing behind him, now fully dressed.
“Jay, we…”
“Hey.” Jared walks up to him, hands falling to Jensen’s arms and rubbing them gently. “It’s fine.”
Jensen takes a slow breath, jumping slightly as his cell goes off in his pocket. He grabs it quickly. “Hey, Chris. S’up?” He looks at Jared awkwardly. “You’re in town? Erm, sure. I’m at the diner ‘til three though.” He hits Jared’s hand as he finds a ticklish touch against the side of his stomach. He glares at Jared before focussing back on Chris. “Yeah. I’ll see you down there later. Okay. Bye.”
“Chris?” Jared grins.
Jensen sighs. “Get dressed already so I can get the hell to work would you.”
Jared laughs and gives Jensen a quick kiss. “I won’t be long.”
Jensen watches as Jared makes his way to the bathroom, convincing himself all this was worth it.
~*~
“How could you?”
Jensen stops as he walks into the living room, Nora sitting on the couch, Jesse playing on the floor beside her. “What?” He runs a hand through his damp hair, they’d been down to the cove for the last couple of hours, Chris constantly asking questions about Tori, about Jared’s ‘guy’, about anything else that came into his head not realising how uncomfortable it was making Jensen and Jared.
“Jesse. Go to your room for a minute.”
Jensen watches as Jesse does as he’s told. He turns back to Nora, slightly confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jensen sits down on the arm of the couch, a frown. “Tell you what?”
“You took Jesse there.”
Jensen doesn’t understand.
“Jared’s. After what I told you. After what I said. You took him there.”
“Jared’s great with him.”
“I’m sure he’s great with you too.”
Jensen feels his heart sink.
“How could you do this? Out all the time with him. Did you ever think about Jesse?”
Jensen gets to his feet. “Everything I do is for Jesse.”
“After everything with Dad and his own father, I need you to be a positive role model in his life.”
“Like Lance? Like those other guys?” Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose. “Is this about Jesse, or you?”
Nora looks up at her brother.
“Scared I finally have something that doesn’t revolve around you? Scared I’ll leave you like they all did?”
“We’re a family.” Nora looks at him firmly. “Sure, I’ve picked some crappy men. But we are family. We need to look out for each other.
“We always will be, no matter what. I would never do anything that wasn’t in Jesse’s best interests.”
“Me either.” Nora looks desperately up at Jensen, the tears starting to fall. “That’s all I want, Jen, what’s best for him. I need to know you’ll do the same.”
Jensen watches his sister, doubts about what he’s doing in his mind. He sighs as he shifts uncomfortably in front of her. “Of course I will.”
~*~
Jensen pushes the beer bottle to his mouth, his promise ringing in his ears. Of course he’ll do the best thing for Jesse. He always does. He can half hear Chris telling some ridiculous story to the group of friends sitting in the back garden. He downs the drink, he should get home, he shouldn’t be here. He glances back at Chris, the guy engrossed with his audience and the story he’s telling.
A moment’s thought, and Jensen is out of his seat. He doesn’t think anyone will really care if he just slips away. Long steps, and he’s back at the car. He sits in the driver’s seat for a little while, the window rolled down as he listens to the low hum of the music from Chris’s party.
“Jen?”
Jensen looks to the window, Jared opening the door and slipping into the passenger seat.
“Everything okay?”
Jensen rests his elbow on the side of the door, his head in his hand.
“Jen?”
“Stop pressuring me.”
Jared frowns. “Pressuring you?”
“I need some time. Time to think.” He turns to look at Jared, red rings around his eyes. “I don’t know if this is what I want.”
“You seemed pretty sure to me.” Jared lowers a hand to Jensen’s knee, hurt as Jensen tries to move away.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this. If I should do this.”
“If? What’s that mean? If?”
Jensen wraps his hands around the steering wheel. “It’s not as easy for me. Not like you. It’s new, and I don’t know, okay? I can’t just have anything I want. I have Jesse to think about.”
Jared wants to grab Jensen and shake him; to hold him tightly by the shoulders and really shake him. “You could have. What you do now? That’s a choice. You don’t have to do what you do for them.”
“It’s Jesse. If I wasn’t there… I don’t know.” Jensen meets Jared’s eyes. “I can’t do this.”
“Is it Chris? We can get past that.”
“No, it’s nothing to do with that. I’m not like you, like Chris. I can’t just do as I please.”
“Have you ever tried?”
Jensen shakes his head. “It’s over, Jared.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Get out.”
“You’re a fucking coward. You could have anything you wanted.”
“Get the fuck out of my car!” Jensen starts the engine, waiting for the passenger side door to slam shut. He watches Jared pass in front of his headlights. He can’t just have what he wants, he knows that; he’s known it all along and he should never have started this.
~*~
After a night of restless sleep, Jensen finds himself standing in the diner. It’s an hour before opening, as it’s his turn to open up. He lifts the large bottle of ketchup, carefully holding it over one of the smaller bottles that will go out on the tables.
There’s a knock on the door behind him. He knows the closed sign is across the door. Another knock.
“We’re closed,” he calls.
A quick tapping replaces the slow knocks.
“I said…” Jensen turns around to find Chris standing on the other side of the large glass door. He smiles and moves to let Chris in. “Hey.”
“Dude. I feel like crap.” Chris steps inside and quickly flops into one of the booths.
“Grill’s not on yet. Coffee?”
“Uhuh.”
Jensen laughs and crosses to the coffee machine. “Good night, then?” He focuses on the hot liquid pouring into the mug.
“Yeah. Where did you go, dude?”
“I didn’t feel so good. Sorry.” Jensen takes the mug to Chris, sliding it across the table top as he sits down opposite him. “Black.”
“Thought maybe you were scared of what I’d think.” Chris raises his head from the table.
“About what?”
“I’m cool with it, man. Really.” Chris smiles. “I mean, Jared of all people. Did you always know?”
Jensen frowns. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t have to worry. I won’t say anything.”
Jensen rubs a hand over his forehead. “Chris, I don’t know what you think you know but…”
“Hey, it’s me. You don’t have to lie to me.” Chris wraps a hand around the warm mug. “I saw you. Outside.”
Jensen lowers his head.
“I’m glad, really I am. It’s good.”
“Chris…”
“So, you been with other guys?”
Jensen shakes his head. “No.”
“Do you think I’m hot?”
“Stop it.”
“You do, don’t you?” Chris grins.
Jensen gets out of his seat and goes back to the ketchup. “I have stuff to do.”
“I am pretty hot.” Chris looks up at Jensen. “So who’s hotter? Me or Jay?”
“Chris.” Jensen loudly puts the ketchup bottle down on the counter. “Stop it. Besides, it’s over. We’re done.”
“Why?”
“I really have stuff to do.”
“I’m heading back this afternoon,” Chris points out.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, watching as Chris gets out of his seat.
“We’re still cool, right? You’re still my bro.”
Jensen nods, surprised to find Chris suddenly embracing him.
“Call me.” Chris releases Jensen and steps towards the door. “Just…do something that makes you happy. Just once.”
Jensen wraps his fingers around the glass bottle. It’s too late for that.
~*~
Jensen swallows uncomfortably as he looks out across the ocean. One moment he was at home searching for his sketchbook, the next moment Tori was at the door.
“So, how have you been?” She smiles sweetly. “Haven’t seen you around much. Not since the last time Chris was home.”
Jensen gives a small shrug. “Just had a lot to do. Jesse and Nora, Dad.” He takes a breath. “Things are just hard at the moment.”
“I’m sorry I’ve not been there.”
Jensen shakes his head. “It’s not your problem. Since Mom it’s just been one thing after another.”
“You’re too much like her that’s your problem. Care too much.”
Jensen pulls his knees up to rest his chin on them. “Why can’t I feel like that about you then? Why did it go wrong so much?”
Tori leans her head against his shoulder. “Because we’re better at this.”
Jensen sniffs a small laugh.
“We are. Too good at being friends to be anything else, I guess.” She smiles and raises a hand to his arm. “And perhaps a friend is what you need right now.”
“What do you need?” He turns his head slightly.
“I need you to accept that we’ll never work, and that I’ve found someone else.”
Jensen smiles. “Tom?”
Tori grins. “Yeah. I’m sorry he’s kind of preoccupied me recently.”
Jensen leans over, a kiss to her forehead. “I’m happy for you.”
“And you?” She asks. “It’s been a few weeks.”
Jensen draws his lower lip between his teeth. “I thought about applying to Cal Arts for next year.”
“And?”
Jensen shakes his head. “Missed the entry date.”
Tori raises a hand and gently tucks a strand of hair behind Jensen’s ear. “There’s always next year.”
Jensen closes his eyes. There’s already been too many next years.
~*~
Jensen stares down at his cell in confusion. We look forward to seeing you. How? He closes the cover and holds it to his mouth. Derek Thomas of Cal Arts left a message at some point over the weekend, thanking him for reapplying to the course and how great it will be to go through his portfolio when he attends the interview on Monday; tomorrow.
Jensen starts to smile, a small chuckle. He can’t believe it. He really can’t. Could he really do this?
“Jen.” Nora’s tired voice at his door.
“Hey.” He smiles. “What’s up?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Jensen looks at Nora curiously. “Okay.”
Nora steps into the room and sits down on the end of the bed, assuming the usual pose for when she wants something. “Lance got that job in Portland.”
Jensen nods; another guy that’s going to leave her.
“He’s asked me to go with him.” Nora meets Jensen’s eyes. “I could earn three times as much over there than what I do here.”
Jensen smiles. “If that’s what you want.”
Nora bites on her lip. “Only, they don’t take kids.”
“What do you mean, they don’t take kids?”
“They just don’t.” She lowers her head. “I mean, Lance isn’t really into all that.”
“He’s your son.”
“It’d just be a year or so, let us get settled, and then maybe…”
“You could do that?”
“He’d be here with you and Dad.”
Jensen laughs. “Right, because Dad’s the one that’s going to have to look after him.”
Nora shrugs.
“I just… I can’t believe you.” Jensen holds his arms out in disbelief. “When?”
“Tuesday.”
“You…”
Nora watches as Jensen gets off the bed, long strides from his bedroom, a loud slam of the front door. Nora stares at the painted shapes on Jensen’s wall. It would only be a year.
~*~
He’d driven all night and slept in the car. He must look a right mess and yet he doesn’t seem to care. He has to see. See if he really can be good enough; can still have what he wants.
Jensen looks up at the large Cal Art sign. He smiles, students walking past him to class, other students sitting inside a large glass fronted room, taking part, learning, and doing. He continues to walk the length of the building, searching for the admissions office he was told to sign in at. He stops as he finds where he needs to be. He hesitates, pulling at his worn sweatshirt. He really should have brought a change of clothes or something. He takes a deep breath. It isn’t about how he looks; it’s about what he can do and who he is.
Jensen rubs his sweating palms on the legs of his jeans and steps forwards. He needs to be someone that wants this.
~*~
Jared rubs a hand across his face and drops his bag to the ground. Somehow he’s managed to gain twice as much luggage as he arrived with. Chris has gone back to school, and Jensen seems to be avoiding him. He looks back around his room, checking there was nothing he’s left unpacked.
He sighs as his cell starts to vibrate in his pants pocket. He pulls out the phone, surprised to see the name on the screen.
“Jensen?”
“Where are you?” The voice on the other end asks.
“At home.”
“LA?”
“No. Not yet.”
Jensen is quiet for a moment. “Can I see you?”
“Jen…”
“Will you come down?”
Jared slowly makes his way to his bedroom window. “Where are you?”
“Will you come down?” Jensen repeats.
“You come up.”
The line is quiet.
“Jensen?” Jared leans closer to the window, trying to see if he can find Jensen. “Jen?”
“Turn around.”
Jared cancels the call and turns around, Jensen standing in the doorway.
“I’m so sorry.” Jensen takes a step forward, his cell between his firmly pressed together hands.
“You better be.” Jared smiles.
“I’m just…I’m sorry.” Jensen can feel his eyes watering, tears threatening to fall. “You sent in my application? My work?”
Jared lowers his head, a short nod. “How could I not?”
Jensen smiles. “I got in. Full ride.”
Jared steps forwards, his arm circling Jensen and pulling him close.
“I’m gonna accept it… this time.”
Jared looks down at him curiously.
“They didn’t turn me down last time, I turned them down. Nobody knows that. There was just so much other stuff going on. I couldn’t go then. But…”
“What?”
“I want this. And I’m going to need your help.” Jensen presses his lips to Jared’s shoulder. He can’t do this by himself.
“Sure, anything.”
“Anything?” Jensen pulls back slightly and looks up at Jared.
Jared grins. “Well, within reason,” he laughs.
“You said you lived near, right?”
Jared smiles. “I do once I move in properly.”
“Does the offer still stand? What you said? About going with you?”
Jared wraps his hands around the back of Jensen’s head and kisses him firmly. “Definitely,” he whispers across Jensen’s lips as he kisses him some more.
Jensen closes his eyes, lets himself be absorbed by the kiss for a while. Reluctantly he pulls away. “Jay.” He meets Jared’s eyes. “I need to ask you something.”
~*~
Jensen falls forwards onto the bed sheets, sweat glistening across his back and thighs. He smiles as he rolls onto his back, his head falling to one side as he looks at Jared lying beside him.
“You okay?” Jared asks, his hand falling to Jensen’s chest, smiling at the heavy rise and fall as Jensen catches his breath.
“Mmm,” Jensen manages as he turns onto his side, his hands wrapping around Jared’s. “I feel…” He smiles and leans forwards, small, ghosting kisses to Jared’s mouth and jaw. “Thank you.”
Jared smiles and pulls Jensen’s hands to his chest. “For what?”
“Waiting, understanding.” Jensen smiles. “For being you.”
Jared grins. “It’s awesome being me.”
Jensen laughs and shuffles a little further forward, his toes brushing the top of Jared’s foot.
Jared leans in for more kisses. “Do you need to get back?”
Jensen sighs as Jared’s mouth leaves his. “Can I stay?”
“Here?”
“Just tonight. Then tomorrow will you…” He looks at Jared, hopefully.
“I already said I would. Not sure how helpful I’ll be, but I’ll come with you.”
Jensen smiles and nods his head against the pillow. “Thank you.”
“Like I said.” A kiss. “Anything.”
~*~
Jensen slowly pulls the keys from the ignition. He looks across the street, watching as Nora and Lance start to load the trunk of his car. Jensen’s eyes fall on Jesse. “How could she leave him?” Jensen says quietly.
Jared watches the same scene, Jesse standing holding the broken airplane to his chest as his mother starts to leave his life. “Because she’s never had to be a mother, not really. You were always there.”
Jensen takes a deep breath and grabs the door handle. He pushes open the heavy door and steps out onto the sidewalk. He waits a moment; waits for Jared to join him. He sees Nora look at them, and all he can think to do is take Jared’s hand and walk over to her together.
“Jesse, go inside.”
Jesse smiles. “Jared.”
“Jesse,” Nora snaps, Jesse looking back at her nervously.
“Just leave him,” Jensen suggests, feeling Jared’s hand fall from his.
“Hey, Jesse. Wanna show me your room?” Jared takes Jesse’s hand instead and leads the boy inside.
Nora looks from the scene back to Jensen. “Well that’s just great.”
Jensen shakes his head. “For fuck’s sake. You’re leaving your son to go off with God knows who, and you can even think about disapproving?”
Nora glances behind her as Lance comes back out of the house, another piece of luggage thrown in the trunk. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t.”
Nora fidgets with the strap of her purse. “I need this, Jen.”
Jensen takes a slow breath. “I got into Cal Arts. I’m accepting their offer.”
Nora meets his eyes.
“This is something I need.”
Nora nods her head, tears starting to fall.
“Jared’s great, Nora. He cares about Jesse and me. If he can’t be with you then, surely this is the best thing for him.”
Nora wipes at her eyes.
“Look around. What else could you want for him? This could be amazing for him, more than anything either one of us could ever give him by ourselves.” Jensen watches his sister, the softening of her face.
“I know.”
“You have a choice. This, or take him with you, or…stay.”
Nora shakes her head. “If this all goes wrong. Me and Lance. I want him to be here with you. It’s for the best.” She steps forwards her arms seeking out Jensen’s waist. She holds him, Jensen’s arms falling over her shoulders.
“He’ll be fine with us.”
Nora closes her eyes. “I know.”
~*~
Jared rests his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, his other falling to the back of Jesse’s hair as they watch Nora drive away. No one says anything, Jesse clinging tightly to the airplane as he watches his mother disappear along the street, and Jensen stands, tears forming in his eyes, and strange feelings circling in his chest.
“You ready?” Jared pulls Jensen that little closer, a small squeeze of his shoulder.
Jensen nods slowly, a small smile as he looks from Jared down to Jesse. He can’t believe what’s happened; a feeling of sadness and of freedom. He watches Jared’s fingers curling in Jesse’s hair, a playful squeeze of his neck.
“Yeah.” He is ready, ready for something new, something for him. He smiles for him and Jesse.
“Let’s get your things.” Jared leans across, a small kiss to the side of Jensen’s cheek.
Jensen smiles and looks back at what has been their home, the strange thing being, he doesn’t feel it really ever was. Just something else they would never own for themselves.
“Let’s go home,” Jared says as he takes Jensen’s hand.
Jensen nods. “Yeah. Home.”
~*~
Four months later.
Jensen grins as he watches Jesse and Jared running around in the surf. It’s a week before he starts his place at Cal Arts, a week before Jesse’s first day of kindergarten. He laughs, Jesse grabbing Jared’s waist and the two of them falling over in the wet sand.
Jared looks up and catches Jensen’s eye, a mischievous grin. He gets to his feet, him and Jesse running in Jensen’s direction. He doesn’t give Jensen time to realise what the plan is, all three of them suddenly in a ball of flailing limbs as they play fight to the ground. They laugh and tickle one another. It’s been a whole morning of playing on the beach, showing Jesse how to surf, sandcastles, soccer; just having fun. It’s been great. It’s almost as if they are a family.
“Stop,” Jensen laughs, as he tries to escape the over-eager hands wrapping around his waist and pinching his sensitive skin.
“Jay,” Jesse squeals and rolls out of the mass of bodies to freedom.
Jared stops and rolls off Jensen as well, a grin on his face. “I think we all deserve ice cream. My treat.”
Jensen rolls his eyes; Jared is too keen to spoil both Jesse and him sometimes.
“Yay.” Jesse bounces around in front of them.
“Go gather up your things,” Jared instructs, watching short legs rush away to the pile of beach playthings. He turns back to Jensen, leaning forward for a brief kiss. “You happy?”
Jensen rests his hand over Jared’s in the sand. “You don’t know how much.”
Jared smiles, his fingers curling in the sand beneath Jensen’s. “Maybe you could show me?”
Jensen lowers his head shyly. “Maybe.”
“I love you, and Jesse. I wouldn’t want this any other way.”
Jensen raises his other hand, his sandy fingers brushing over Jared’s stubble covered jaw. He finally has something for himself, something he wanted so badly.
“Ready.” A small voice from beside them.
Jensen and Jared look up to see Jesse standing over them, his rucksack packed with his toys. They get to their feet and start to walk back up the beach.
“I want strawberry and chocolate and mint and caramel and vanilla and…”
Jensen laughs, his hand wrapping in Jared’s as they listen to Jesse reel off a dozen different flavours. He looks between Jesse and Jared. He has to agree that he wouldn’t want this any other way either.
Drifting Hearts: Ready, Steady, Bake
Jared slowly closes the cover of his cell phone. “Sorry about that.” He looks up at Jensen as he leans against the back of the truck. He holds his cell against his lap. “I’m just so damn popular.”
Jensen watches as Jared lowers his head, he’s not sure if he should ask; not sure if he wants to ask.
“His name’s Dale.” Jared looks back up at Jensen with a small smile.
“Your vacation?”
“Yeah. I met him at some promotions thing and he doesn’t seem to want to take a hint.”
Jensen shifts uncomfortably. He’s known Jared’s gay for about three years now, two whole weeks before Jared was sent to live with his father in LA, a chance to follow his dreams of becoming an actor. “When did you two…?”
Jared sniffs a laugh. “About four months. My eighteenth actually.”
Jensen leans forwards, hands reaching into the truck and dragging his board towards him. “We gonna surf or what?” He grins. He really doesn’t need to know anything else.
Jared gives a loud laugh. “Sure.” He stands up and grabs his own board. “Last one out there has to try and buy more beer.”
Jensen laughs. “Hope you can keep up.”
~*~
Jensen leans back in the large, foam-cushioned seat and watches Jared from over the top of his beer. He watches as Jared turns over the pages of his sketchbook.
“And they didn’t accept you?” Jared looks at the final drawing.
Jensen shrugs and takes a long drink from his beer, eyes glancing around the large garden.
“You’re amazing, you know.”
“No I’m not.” Jensen raises an eyebrow as he lowers his now empty beer to the paved ground.
Jared keeps turning the pages, surprised as he nears the end and a large brown envelope slides into his lap.
Jensen’s eyes go wide as he jumps forward across to Jared’s side, eager to retrieve the envelope.
Jared laughs as he ends up with a lap full of Jensen. “Hey.” He grabs the envelope and holds it above his head, just out of Jensen’s reach. He feels the man tense next to him.
“Can I have it back, please?” Jensen stills and looks up at the envelope.
Jared meets Jensen’s eyes, slowly lowering the envelope as Jensen pushes against his thigh. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” He takes the envelope. “Just something for me to think about.”
Jared nods and lets the sketchbook fall open to the middle page. “Wow.”
“Jesse,” Jensen says quietly as he looks over Jared’s shoulder.
“He looks sad.”
Jensen looks down at the dark lines, the small figure in the very plain, sharp edged little world he had created. “It was just before his dad left. He came into my room.” He shakes his head and leans over Jared, his free hand pushing the book closed.
Jared holds onto the book, feeling the slight pull as Jensen tries to take it from him. “You don’t think it’s good?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Jensen gives another pull, but Jared isn’t letting go.
“You are. You always were.”
Jensen pulls hard, the book finally freed from Jared’s grip. He places it on the floor beside them and turns back to Jared, punching him on the arm.
“What was that for?” Jared can’t help but grin.
Jensen smiles and gives a shrug. “Ass.”
Jared laughs and pushes against Jensen’s chest; the start of playful wrestling as they fall back on the thin cushion. “Ow.” He rolls off Jensen as he finds a squirming elbow connecting with his throat. “Adam’s Apple.”
Jensen laughs and raises his arms above his head. “I’m trashed.” He hadn’t realised how many beers he’s actually had, only noticing now with the quick movements as his head starts to spin. He rolls his head to one side, a small smile as he finds Jared lying beside him, eyes connecting with his.
Jared swallows nervously, the back of his hand brushing the material of Jensen’s sweatshirt across his stomach. He slowly moves his hand higher, his fingers playing with the tassel of the hood of Jensen’s sweatshirt; all the time, he keeps his eyes on Jensen’s, a soft glaze to those bright green eyes.
It takes a moment, stolen touches over material, before Jared feels brave enough. He leans forwards, his lips brushing Jensen’s. He gets no reaction, no acceptance, but no pushing him away. Gently he raises his hand to Jensen’s cheek, fingertips brushing over the other man’s jaw as he deepens the kiss with a firmer press of his lips to Jensen’s.
Jensen blinks as Jared pulls away. He doesn’t know what he feels. Right now, the most prominent feeling is the swirl of alcohol in his head. He turns his head away, eyes closing as he feels the weight of sleep bearing down on him.
Jared sucks at his lower lip as he watches Jensen fall asleep. He rests his head against one of the small throw cushions and continues to watch until he himself finds too much alcohol getting the better of him, and he gives in to sleep.
~*~
Jensen slowly opens his eyes to find a cushion held tightly to his chest. He raises his head from the seat and turns to look over his shoulder. “Shit.” He sits up and rubs a hand over his short hair. What the hell did he do? He looks back down at Jared who is curled into a ball on the other side of the outdoor seat. “Shit,” he whispers again as he gets to his feet.
~*~
Nora gets up from the kitchen table as she hears the front door slam shut. “Where the hell were you?”
“You’ll make it.” Jensen opens the refrigerator, and takes a quick mouthful from the carton of juice.
Nora looks at him in amazement. “I was worried. Where were you?” She asks again.
“Surfing.” He pushes the refrigerator door shut.
“All night?”
Jensen rubs a hand over his forehead. “Look, do you want a ride or what?” He looks at Nora.
Nora narrows her eyes, something was up, she knew that. “Jesse, get in the car.”
Jensen steps back as Nora pushes past him. He leans his head back against the refrigerator door. “Fuck.”
~*~
Hot water falls from the shower head and tumbles across Jensen’s tanned skin. He closes his eyes, thoughts and images washing over him, as sand and salt-sea air is stripped from his skin. He’d been back to the cove that evening, spent some time amongst the waves, happy, quiet and thoughtful.
“Hey.”
Jensen opens his eyes, the blurred image of his sister through the frosted shower door.
“Hey,” he replies, hands pushing water back through his hair and washing away some of the shampoo.
“So I hear Jared’s back.”
“Yeah.”
“You two been hanging out?” She leans back against the wash basin.
Jensen stops and watches his sister through the door. He wipes a hand across his mouth. “Sure, surfing.”
“You do know he’s gay, right?”
Jensen turns off the shower. “So?”
“I just don’t think you should be hanging out with him is all. I mean, I don’t want Jesse near all that.”
“What? I’ve been surfing with him since I was like eight.”
“That all you did?”
Jensen grabs his towel from over the top of the shower and wraps it around his waist. He slides open the shower door and looks at Nora. “I’m late, get out.”
Nora folds her arms across her chest. “You’re not… you know?”
“What, Nora?” Jensen holds his sisters gaze.
“You never tell me anything anymore. I mean, you and Tori?”
“There’s nothing to tell, okay.” He glances towards the open door. “Do you mind?”
Nora shakes her head, a loud sigh as she leaves the bathroom.
Jensen pushes a hand back through his hair, wet droplets falling to his shoulders. He turns and looks in the mirror above the wash basin. He leans forwards, hands gripping the enamel surface as he meets his own eyes, and searches for some kind of answer, some solution to all this confusion inside him. Jared had kissed him and he’d let him. He raises a hand and wipes away the thin layer of steam, the green of his eyes brighter somehow. He lowers his head and looks at his hands, his fingers tightening around the basin. He wants to be selfish. Just this one time, he wants something for himself.
~*~
Another day and with Nora at work, once again Jensen is left in charge of Jesse. He smiles as he leans back against his car and watches Jesse play in the sand, the boy surrounding himself with a dozen sandcastles of varying shapes and sizes. “You okay?”
Jesse raises his head and smiles.
“Hey, Jensen.”
Jensen squints against the sun as he looks up at Jared. He’s dressed in a blue wetsuit, hair damp and brushed back from his face. “Hi.” Jensen glances back at Jesse, Nora’s words whispering in his head.
“So I tried to call you,” Jared offers.
“I’ve been busy.” Jensen focuses his attention on Jesse.
Jared turns to watch Jesse as well. “This Jesse?” He asks.
Jensen nods. “Jesse, we need to go,” he calls.
Jesse frowns. “But I want to finish.”
“Jesse.” Jensen looks at him sternly.
“Let him finish,” Jared suggests.
“We need to get home.”
Jared looks from Jesse to Jensen. “I thought maybe we could talk about the other night.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“But…”
“Just leave it, yeah?” Jensen pushes himself away from the trunk of his car. “Jesse. Time to go.” He walks around to the passenger side and pulls open the door, waiting for Jesse to do as he’s asked.
“But my castle, the tide…”
Jared smiles and walks up to Jesse. He crouches down and admires the piles of shaped sand. “You know the best thing to do?”
Jensen watches as Jesse shakes his head.
Jared gets to his feet and holds out his hand to Jesse. “The best thing is to take three steps back.” He takes wide strides, Jesse holding his hand and taking nearer five steps to keep up. “You then rush forwards and jump right in the middle of it.”
“But that will break it.”
Jared smiles. “Better you break it than the tide, right? Building it was fun. Jumping on it is twice as fun.”
Jensen’s grip tightens on the car door handle. He wishes Jared hadn’t done this. He can’t help but allow a small smile creep across his face as Jared and Jesse run forwards, two pairs of feet landing in amongst the shaped sand. He watches as they kick and jump around in circles, the hard work of the last hour being destroyed.
Jesse squeals as he jumps up and down, his hand still in Jared’s as they squash the sand back down.
Jared stops and pretends to be worn out. “There. Fun, right?”
Jesse smiles and pulls his hand from Jared’s, running over to Jensen. “Did you see? Did you see?” He bounces in front of Jensen, pulling at the bottom of Jensen’s t-shirt.
Jensen smiles and gives a small nod. “I saw. You want to thank Jared for helping?”
Jesse turns around. “Thank you.”
Jared raises a hand and waves, watching first Jesse and then Jensen get into the car. He stands for a moment, watching as the vehicle moves away. He obviously made a mistake when he kissed Jensen, because this isn’t what he’d hoped for.
~*~
Jensen taps his pen against the back of the note book. He stares at the ever growing list of things that need doing. He feels trapped. He sighs, looking up as he hears a bump and a giggle coming from down the hall. He sits and listens for a moment, Nora’s voice coming clearly from the kitchen.
Jensen gets off his bed and slowly wanders along the hallway, stopping as he gets to the kitchen door. He looks through the gap, watching as Nora is pushed back against the refrigerator, hot lips and hands over her as she laughs some more. Jensen sniffs a laugh and makes his way back to his bedroom, his sneakers pulled quickly on. He then makes his way back towards the kitchen, not caring if he interrupts the scene still playing out in there.
“Jensen?” Nora clears her throat and tries to straighten her hair and outfit, the guy having taken a step away from her. “You going somewhere?”
“Jesse’s asleep.” Jensen doesn’t respond to her question. “I’m glad you’ve enjoyed your night.” He doesn’t hang around to talk; it’s not Nora he wants to talk to.
~*~
Jared yawns as he makes his way downstairs. It’s eleven-thirty and someone’s banging on the front door. He moves his head from side to side, trying to stretch away some of the tiredness. He’d nearly been asleep.
“Jensen?” He looks curiously at the man he finds on the other side of the door.
Jensen looks at Jared. He just wants something. He doesn’t say anything, a second’s hesitation before he’s stepping inside, hands wrapping around the back of Jared’s head as he pulls him close. He doesn’t think, his mouth covering Jared’s as he moves him back towards the stairs.
Jared closes his eyes, his hands falling to Jensen’s chest. He lets Jensen kiss him for a little while, before gently pushing against Jensen’s chest, the kiss breaking. He looks at Jensen, Jensen looking straight back at him. He considers asking if Jensen is sure, is this really what he wants? But he doesn’t get the chance, Jensen pulling at the hem of his t-shirt, the material pulled quickly up and over his head, and discarded just as quickly to the floor. Jared smiles, more kisses and hands fumbling with clothing as they make their way up the stairs.
Jensen can’t stop, he doesn’t want to; hands wrapping around the back of Jared’s head once more as he pulls him close. Jared’s hands in turn, pulling at the belt of his jeans as they continue to move upwards. It takes mere moments for them both to be naked and falling back onto the large bed. Jensen holds Jared’s face, their eyes meeting as he looks up at the man above him. He’s never even considered that this is what he’s been missing, that this could be something he wants, something for himself; not until now.
Jared smiles and lays gentle kisses across Jensen’s mouth, jaw, cheeks and neck. He moves his kisses lower; nipping and sucking his way towards Jensen’s chest and back up again. He rolls them over, Jensen now above him and copying the trail of kisses he had traced across Jensen’s chest. He reaches for Jensen’s head, guiding him higher, their mouths locked together once more.
Jensen is desperate for the connection, kissing and touching Jared’s upper body until he finds himself flipped over once more. He looks up at Jared, a small smile as Jared moves downwards. He closes his eyes and focuses on the kisses. His breathing is unsteady, as he feels Jared kissing lower; fingers brushing the insides of his thighs.
Jared moves slowly, gentle touches, his lips moving over Jensen’s hip bones and thighs. He forces himself to take his time, giving Jensen all of his attention; teeth grazing and his tongue licking a line over tanned skin. He wants to know every part of Jensen no matter how slowly he has to take this.
~*~
Jensen opens his eyes, the sun warm as it shines through the window and onto his pillow. He stares across the room; he can feel Jared stirring behind him.
“Morning.”
Jensen feels Jared’s arm come to rest across his waist on top of the covers. “Morning,” he replies. “What time is it?”
Jared looks around the room. “No idea. You need to be somewhere?”
Jensen bites on his lower lip, he does need to be somewhere. Jesse will need his breakfast. “I do.” He goes to sit up, Jared’s arm still around him.
Jared gently pulls Jensen back to the mattress, a kiss to the side of his face. “You’re really talented.”
Jensen laughs. “What?”
“Just thought I should say something. You shouldn’t waste that. All that work.”
Jensen smiles and leans forwards. “Thanks.” He kisses Jared, a proper kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you soon. Okay?”
Jared loosens his hold. “I better.”
~*~
Jensen hums to himself as he makes a sandwich, slices of chicken arranged neatly across the sliced bread
“You’re home then?” Nora sits down at the kitchen table. “I tried calling you.”
Jensen turns to face her, the sandwich in his hand. “Did you need something?”
“I need to know you’re there.”
Jensen gives a sniffed laugh. “I’m always here.” He takes a bite of his sandwich.
“Not last night.”
“What?”
Nora taps her fingers on the table top. “Lance is going to Portland for the weekend, looking into jobs there. He’s asked me to go with him. He goes this evening.”
Jensen leans back against the kitchen unit. “Lance?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen raises an eyebrow. “The guy from last night?”
“Yeah. We hit it off the other week.” She looks at Jensen. “I think it’ll be really good for me to get out of this place for a little while.”
Jensen shakes his head. “I was hoping to have the weekend to myself.”
“To do what?” Nora tucks a strand of her dark hair behind her ear and looks curiously at Jensen.
“Just some stuff.”
“Who is it?”
Jensen shrugs. “Who’s what?”
“Who is it that you’re screwing?” She adds matter-of-factly.
Jensen takes another bite of his sandwich, a slow chew as he looks at his sister.
“It’s not Tori. So who is it?”
He shakes his head. “No one, okay. There’s no one.”
“Then you’re free this weekend, right? No reason you can’t watch Jesse?” She points out.
Jensen rubs a hand over his eyes; the truth stabbing at his temple.
“You’re all I’ve got, Jen.”
Jensen lowers his hand and meets Nora’s eyes. “I know,” he says and makes his way through to his bedroom. He really does know.
~*~
Jensen holds the brush steady. He hasn’t painted in what seems like forever. Carefully he follows the pale etched outline, biting his lip as he concentrates on being as accurate as he can. He has to focus, has to be sure that what he’s thinking about doing is the right thing. His cell starts to vibrate on his bedside, he reaches over. Jared.
“Hey,” he says as he flips open the cover.
“Hey, yourself,” Jared replies. “So, what’s up?”
Jensen laughs and pulls his legs up onto the bed. “I’m good. Painting.” It’s almost as if he can hear Jared smile on the other end of the call.
“So what’re you up to tonight? I thought I could cook.”
Jensen laughs. “You? Cook?”
“Sure, I have a microwave, right?”
“I think so.”
Jared chuckles. “I’ll stick the grill on, steak or something?”
“Who’s that?” Nora asks from the door of his bedroom.
Jensen lowers his cell to his chest and looks up at Nora. “No one.”
Nora leans her head against the door frame. “So this weekend? Lance needs to know.”
Jensen holds his cell more tightly to himself.
“Jen?”
“Fine,” he finally says. “Okay.”
Nora smiles and heads back down the hall.
Jensen closes his eyes, thinking for a moment what to say to Jared.
“Jen?” Jensen hears his name as he raises his cell phone back to his ear. “So about seven?”
Jensen clears his throat. One weekend, that’s all he wanted. “I can’t.”
Jared goes quiet for a moment.
“Sorry.”
“Why?” Jared asks, simply.
Jensen sighs, “Nora’s going away. I’ll need to look after Jesse.”
“Well, bring him too.”
Jensen frowns. “What? Really?”
“Sure, he seems great. He can play on Chris’s X-box or something.”
Jensen smiles. “You mean it?”
Jared laughs. “Of course. Look I’ll see you around seven, okay?”
“Okay.” Jensen lowers his cell and smiles. Jared was willing to spend time with him, and with Jesse. He glances to the back of his bedroom door. Nora wouldn’t like it if she knew. But, who said he had to tell her?
~*~
Jensen closes his eyes as Jared kisses him, warm hands on his waist. He smiles as he breathes in the merged scent of alcohol and Jared’s cologne. He raises a hand, gently curling his fingers through the back of Jared’s hair.
“Stay.”
Jensen kisses the word from Jared’s lips. He wants to but he knows he can’t. Slowly he pulls back, a light lick of his lips as he looks up at Jared. “I can’t. I need to get Jesse home.”
“There’s Chris’s room.”
Jensen smiles. “I know. But, I’d prefer him to be somewhere he knows.”
Jared leans forwards, another kiss. “Okay. You’re so good to him.”
Jensen shrugs. “He’s my family. It’s all we have.”
Jared decides against saying anything else. He knows the subject is a difficult one to broach with Jensen, and after such a relaxed evening, he really doesn’t want this ending on a bad note. He simply smiles and pulls Jensen close to him and into a firm hug, Jensen’s head resting against his shoulder. “You sure you won’t stay?”
“I would but…It’s better Jesse has his own bed.”
Jared reluctantly releases Jensen. “Well he’s certainly happy on the couch.”
Jensen laughs and stands on tip toes to spy Jesse through the window, the small boy curled under his jacket. “Falling asleep is not so bad, but he doesn’t like waking in strange places.”
“I enjoyed tonight.”
Jensen turns back to Jared, wearing a warm smile. “I did too. You have no idea.”
Jared brushes his mouth against Jensen’s. “I think I might.”
Jensen lowers his head, putting a stride between their bodies. “I should get him home.” He makes his way inside.
Jared tilts his head to one side and watches as Jensen picks Jesse up off the couch; he’s so gentle. He smiles to himself as Jesse wakes a little, small hands rubbing over tired eyes. He really has enjoyed spending time with both of them tonight. It kind of feels like something he’s been missing these last couple of years in LA.
Jensen holds Jesse close to his chest, an armful of jacket and child. “Thanks again,” Jensen says as he returns to Jared outside. “We had fun.”
“It’s okay.” Jared reaches out his hand, a small touch to Jensen’s arm.
Jensen cautiously steps back, aware of the half sleeping boy in his arms. “Well, later then.”
“Sure,” Jared agrees. “I’ll call you.”
Jensen nods and starts down the side of the house, a final glance over his shoulder before Jared disappears from his sight. He smiles to himself. Nothing can ruin the feeling he has in his chest at this moment. He feels almost… in love.
Chapter 3
He had believed nothing could ruin that feeling inside him. The whole weekend he, Jared and Jesse had spent time together. Jared even cleaned up one of Chris’s small boards from when they were kids and gave it to Jesse as a gift, a brand new wetsuit thrown in as well. Jensen almost felt guilty. They hadn’t been able to afford anything like that before.
“You shouldn’t have,” Jensen had suggested, but Jared would hear none of it.
“He’s a great kid. Really, it’s fine. I mean the board’s Chris’s, the suit cost barely anything. He deserves a little something. You two have kept me from going insane by myself.”
More days past and Jensen spent as much time as he could with Jared. They surfed together, ate together and on the rare occasions Jensen was free to do so, they spent the night together. Then came the first thing that struck a sharp pain in his heart.
“You’ll be going back to LA soon,” Jensen says quietly, his hand falling to Jared’s bare chest.
Jared rests his hand over Jensen’s, his head moving against the large, feather-filled pillow. “I’m pretty happy here you know.”
Jensen watches Jared’s fingers curl around his hand. “Yeah,” he sighs.
Jared looks at Jensen thoughtfully. “You could come with me. To LA.”
Jensen wants to laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. You could come with me. I live right near Cal Arts.” Jared grins.
Jensen frowns. “I wish I could.” He closes his eyes as he feels Jared’s hand against his cheek.
“I’m glad you’re here.” Jared smiles and turns his hand over as he continues to brush it against Jensen’s jaw.
“Me too.” Jensen returns the smile. He really is.
“Yo, bro.”
Jensen’s eyes widen, both men sitting upright as they hear the familiar voice echoing up the stairs.
“Chris!” They speak together. Jensen instantly rolls out of bed to start collecting up his clothes, as Jared rushes around, pulling his t-shirt and shorts quickly up.
“Where are you, dude?”
“Fuck!” Jensen hops on one foot as he pulls up his jeans, managing to make it to the bathroom as they hear Chris on the stairs.
“You got a guy in there, you slut?”
Jared checks the room and rushes to the bedroom door, opening it just as Chris gets to the other side.
“Dude, catch you beating off?”
“No.” Jared pushes Chris in the shoulder.
“A girl?”
“As if. I was sleeping.” Jared wanders back into the room, eyes flitting around for any evidence of what had been going on.
“So, my princess baby bro, how’s things?” Chris falls back on the bed.
Jared shrugs. “Yeah, fine.”
“Thought you’d have sorted your new place out by now.”
Jared sighs. “Yeah, well. Just seemed easier here.”
Chris rolls his eyes. “There’ll be other guys. Better guys.” He grins.
“What are you doing here anyway?” Jared asks, eyeing Chris curiously.
“Heard you were here and thought I should swing by, check everything was okay.”
Jared smiles. “Jensen said you liked me really.”
“Oh, you’ve seen Jen?”
Jared nods. “Yeah. He was here sorting his board when I got back.”
“Great.” Chris claps his hands together and gets off the bed. “We should all hang out, go surfing. I’ll give him a call.”
Jensen’s eyes go wide, his hands reaching desperately in his jeans pocket for his cell.
“How about we go grab something to eat first? Catch up?”
Chris shrugs, pushing his own cell back into the back pocket of his shorts. “Sounds cool.”
“Great. Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right down.” Gently he guides Chris back towards the door.
“Not shy are we?” Chris smirks.
“Just don’t want you getting jealous.” A final push and Chris is out on the landing. “I’ll be with you in ten.”
“Remember, you’re already pretty.”
Jared shoots Chris an annoyed look. He hasn’t missed Chris’s attempts at humour over him being gay. “I’ll be right with you.” He pushes the door shut and silently slides the bolt across, listening as Chris heads back downstairs.
“Fuck.”
Jared turns around to find Jensen standing behind him, now fully dressed.
“Jay, we…”
“Hey.” Jared walks up to him, hands falling to Jensen’s arms and rubbing them gently. “It’s fine.”
Jensen takes a slow breath, jumping slightly as his cell goes off in his pocket. He grabs it quickly. “Hey, Chris. S’up?” He looks at Jared awkwardly. “You’re in town? Erm, sure. I’m at the diner ‘til three though.” He hits Jared’s hand as he finds a ticklish touch against the side of his stomach. He glares at Jared before focussing back on Chris. “Yeah. I’ll see you down there later. Okay. Bye.”
“Chris?” Jared grins.
Jensen sighs. “Get dressed already so I can get the hell to work would you.”
Jared laughs and gives Jensen a quick kiss. “I won’t be long.”
Jensen watches as Jared makes his way to the bathroom, convincing himself all this was worth it.
~*~
“How could you?”
Jensen stops as he walks into the living room, Nora sitting on the couch, Jesse playing on the floor beside her. “What?” He runs a hand through his damp hair, they’d been down to the cove for the last couple of hours, Chris constantly asking questions about Tori, about Jared’s ‘guy’, about anything else that came into his head not realising how uncomfortable it was making Jensen and Jared.
“Jesse. Go to your room for a minute.”
Jensen watches as Jesse does as he’s told. He turns back to Nora, slightly confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jensen sits down on the arm of the couch, a frown. “Tell you what?”
“You took Jesse there.”
Jensen doesn’t understand.
“Jared’s. After what I told you. After what I said. You took him there.”
“Jared’s great with him.”
“I’m sure he’s great with you too.”
Jensen feels his heart sink.
“How could you do this? Out all the time with him. Did you ever think about Jesse?”
Jensen gets to his feet. “Everything I do is for Jesse.”
“After everything with Dad and his own father, I need you to be a positive role model in his life.”
“Like Lance? Like those other guys?” Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose. “Is this about Jesse, or you?”
Nora looks up at her brother.
“Scared I finally have something that doesn’t revolve around you? Scared I’ll leave you like they all did?”
“We’re a family.” Nora looks at him firmly. “Sure, I’ve picked some crappy men. But we are family. We need to look out for each other.
“We always will be, no matter what. I would never do anything that wasn’t in Jesse’s best interests.”
“Me either.” Nora looks desperately up at Jensen, the tears starting to fall. “That’s all I want, Jen, what’s best for him. I need to know you’ll do the same.”
Jensen watches his sister, doubts about what he’s doing in his mind. He sighs as he shifts uncomfortably in front of her. “Of course I will.”
~*~
Jensen pushes the beer bottle to his mouth, his promise ringing in his ears. Of course he’ll do the best thing for Jesse. He always does. He can half hear Chris telling some ridiculous story to the group of friends sitting in the back garden. He downs the drink, he should get home, he shouldn’t be here. He glances back at Chris, the guy engrossed with his audience and the story he’s telling.
A moment’s thought, and Jensen is out of his seat. He doesn’t think anyone will really care if he just slips away. Long steps, and he’s back at the car. He sits in the driver’s seat for a little while, the window rolled down as he listens to the low hum of the music from Chris’s party.
“Jen?”
Jensen looks to the window, Jared opening the door and slipping into the passenger seat.
“Everything okay?”
Jensen rests his elbow on the side of the door, his head in his hand.
“Jen?”
“Stop pressuring me.”
Jared frowns. “Pressuring you?”
“I need some time. Time to think.” He turns to look at Jared, red rings around his eyes. “I don’t know if this is what I want.”
“You seemed pretty sure to me.” Jared lowers a hand to Jensen’s knee, hurt as Jensen tries to move away.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this. If I should do this.”
“If? What’s that mean? If?”
Jensen wraps his hands around the steering wheel. “It’s not as easy for me. Not like you. It’s new, and I don’t know, okay? I can’t just have anything I want. I have Jesse to think about.”
Jared wants to grab Jensen and shake him; to hold him tightly by the shoulders and really shake him. “You could have. What you do now? That’s a choice. You don’t have to do what you do for them.”
“It’s Jesse. If I wasn’t there… I don’t know.” Jensen meets Jared’s eyes. “I can’t do this.”
“Is it Chris? We can get past that.”
“No, it’s nothing to do with that. I’m not like you, like Chris. I can’t just do as I please.”
“Have you ever tried?”
Jensen shakes his head. “It’s over, Jared.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Get out.”
“You’re a fucking coward. You could have anything you wanted.”
“Get the fuck out of my car!” Jensen starts the engine, waiting for the passenger side door to slam shut. He watches Jared pass in front of his headlights. He can’t just have what he wants, he knows that; he’s known it all along and he should never have started this.
~*~
After a night of restless sleep, Jensen finds himself standing in the diner. It’s an hour before opening, as it’s his turn to open up. He lifts the large bottle of ketchup, carefully holding it over one of the smaller bottles that will go out on the tables.
There’s a knock on the door behind him. He knows the closed sign is across the door. Another knock.
“We’re closed,” he calls.
A quick tapping replaces the slow knocks.
“I said…” Jensen turns around to find Chris standing on the other side of the large glass door. He smiles and moves to let Chris in. “Hey.”
“Dude. I feel like crap.” Chris steps inside and quickly flops into one of the booths.
“Grill’s not on yet. Coffee?”
“Uhuh.”
Jensen laughs and crosses to the coffee machine. “Good night, then?” He focuses on the hot liquid pouring into the mug.
“Yeah. Where did you go, dude?”
“I didn’t feel so good. Sorry.” Jensen takes the mug to Chris, sliding it across the table top as he sits down opposite him. “Black.”
“Thought maybe you were scared of what I’d think.” Chris raises his head from the table.
“About what?”
“I’m cool with it, man. Really.” Chris smiles. “I mean, Jared of all people. Did you always know?”
Jensen frowns. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t have to worry. I won’t say anything.”
Jensen rubs a hand over his forehead. “Chris, I don’t know what you think you know but…”
“Hey, it’s me. You don’t have to lie to me.” Chris wraps a hand around the warm mug. “I saw you. Outside.”
Jensen lowers his head.
“I’m glad, really I am. It’s good.”
“Chris…”
“So, you been with other guys?”
Jensen shakes his head. “No.”
“Do you think I’m hot?”
“Stop it.”
“You do, don’t you?” Chris grins.
Jensen gets out of his seat and goes back to the ketchup. “I have stuff to do.”
“I am pretty hot.” Chris looks up at Jensen. “So who’s hotter? Me or Jay?”
“Chris.” Jensen loudly puts the ketchup bottle down on the counter. “Stop it. Besides, it’s over. We’re done.”
“Why?”
“I really have stuff to do.”
“I’m heading back this afternoon,” Chris points out.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, watching as Chris gets out of his seat.
“We’re still cool, right? You’re still my bro.”
Jensen nods, surprised to find Chris suddenly embracing him.
“Call me.” Chris releases Jensen and steps towards the door. “Just…do something that makes you happy. Just once.”
Jensen wraps his fingers around the glass bottle. It’s too late for that.
~*~
Jensen swallows uncomfortably as he looks out across the ocean. One moment he was at home searching for his sketchbook, the next moment Tori was at the door.
“So, how have you been?” She smiles sweetly. “Haven’t seen you around much. Not since the last time Chris was home.”
Jensen gives a small shrug. “Just had a lot to do. Jesse and Nora, Dad.” He takes a breath. “Things are just hard at the moment.”
“I’m sorry I’ve not been there.”
Jensen shakes his head. “It’s not your problem. Since Mom it’s just been one thing after another.”
“You’re too much like her that’s your problem. Care too much.”
Jensen pulls his knees up to rest his chin on them. “Why can’t I feel like that about you then? Why did it go wrong so much?”
Tori leans her head against his shoulder. “Because we’re better at this.”
Jensen sniffs a small laugh.
“We are. Too good at being friends to be anything else, I guess.” She smiles and raises a hand to his arm. “And perhaps a friend is what you need right now.”
“What do you need?” He turns his head slightly.
“I need you to accept that we’ll never work, and that I’ve found someone else.”
Jensen smiles. “Tom?”
Tori grins. “Yeah. I’m sorry he’s kind of preoccupied me recently.”
Jensen leans over, a kiss to her forehead. “I’m happy for you.”
“And you?” She asks. “It’s been a few weeks.”
Jensen draws his lower lip between his teeth. “I thought about applying to Cal Arts for next year.”
“And?”
Jensen shakes his head. “Missed the entry date.”
Tori raises a hand and gently tucks a strand of hair behind Jensen’s ear. “There’s always next year.”
Jensen closes his eyes. There’s already been too many next years.
~*~
Jensen stares down at his cell in confusion. We look forward to seeing you. How? He closes the cover and holds it to his mouth. Derek Thomas of Cal Arts left a message at some point over the weekend, thanking him for reapplying to the course and how great it will be to go through his portfolio when he attends the interview on Monday; tomorrow.
Jensen starts to smile, a small chuckle. He can’t believe it. He really can’t. Could he really do this?
“Jen.” Nora’s tired voice at his door.
“Hey.” He smiles. “What’s up?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Jensen looks at Nora curiously. “Okay.”
Nora steps into the room and sits down on the end of the bed, assuming the usual pose for when she wants something. “Lance got that job in Portland.”
Jensen nods; another guy that’s going to leave her.
“He’s asked me to go with him.” Nora meets Jensen’s eyes. “I could earn three times as much over there than what I do here.”
Jensen smiles. “If that’s what you want.”
Nora bites on her lip. “Only, they don’t take kids.”
“What do you mean, they don’t take kids?”
“They just don’t.” She lowers her head. “I mean, Lance isn’t really into all that.”
“He’s your son.”
“It’d just be a year or so, let us get settled, and then maybe…”
“You could do that?”
“He’d be here with you and Dad.”
Jensen laughs. “Right, because Dad’s the one that’s going to have to look after him.”
Nora shrugs.
“I just… I can’t believe you.” Jensen holds his arms out in disbelief. “When?”
“Tuesday.”
“You…”
Nora watches as Jensen gets off the bed, long strides from his bedroom, a loud slam of the front door. Nora stares at the painted shapes on Jensen’s wall. It would only be a year.
~*~
He’d driven all night and slept in the car. He must look a right mess and yet he doesn’t seem to care. He has to see. See if he really can be good enough; can still have what he wants.
Jensen looks up at the large Cal Art sign. He smiles, students walking past him to class, other students sitting inside a large glass fronted room, taking part, learning, and doing. He continues to walk the length of the building, searching for the admissions office he was told to sign in at. He stops as he finds where he needs to be. He hesitates, pulling at his worn sweatshirt. He really should have brought a change of clothes or something. He takes a deep breath. It isn’t about how he looks; it’s about what he can do and who he is.
Jensen rubs his sweating palms on the legs of his jeans and steps forwards. He needs to be someone that wants this.
~*~
Jared rubs a hand across his face and drops his bag to the ground. Somehow he’s managed to gain twice as much luggage as he arrived with. Chris has gone back to school, and Jensen seems to be avoiding him. He looks back around his room, checking there was nothing he’s left unpacked.
He sighs as his cell starts to vibrate in his pants pocket. He pulls out the phone, surprised to see the name on the screen.
“Jensen?”
“Where are you?” The voice on the other end asks.
“At home.”
“LA?”
“No. Not yet.”
Jensen is quiet for a moment. “Can I see you?”
“Jen…”
“Will you come down?”
Jared slowly makes his way to his bedroom window. “Where are you?”
“Will you come down?” Jensen repeats.
“You come up.”
The line is quiet.
“Jensen?” Jared leans closer to the window, trying to see if he can find Jensen. “Jen?”
“Turn around.”
Jared cancels the call and turns around, Jensen standing in the doorway.
“I’m so sorry.” Jensen takes a step forward, his cell between his firmly pressed together hands.
“You better be.” Jared smiles.
“I’m just…I’m sorry.” Jensen can feel his eyes watering, tears threatening to fall. “You sent in my application? My work?”
Jared lowers his head, a short nod. “How could I not?”
Jensen smiles. “I got in. Full ride.”
Jared steps forwards, his arm circling Jensen and pulling him close.
“I’m gonna accept it… this time.”
Jared looks down at him curiously.
“They didn’t turn me down last time, I turned them down. Nobody knows that. There was just so much other stuff going on. I couldn’t go then. But…”
“What?”
“I want this. And I’m going to need your help.” Jensen presses his lips to Jared’s shoulder. He can’t do this by himself.
“Sure, anything.”
“Anything?” Jensen pulls back slightly and looks up at Jared.
Jared grins. “Well, within reason,” he laughs.
“You said you lived near, right?”
Jared smiles. “I do once I move in properly.”
“Does the offer still stand? What you said? About going with you?”
Jared wraps his hands around the back of Jensen’s head and kisses him firmly. “Definitely,” he whispers across Jensen’s lips as he kisses him some more.
Jensen closes his eyes, lets himself be absorbed by the kiss for a while. Reluctantly he pulls away. “Jay.” He meets Jared’s eyes. “I need to ask you something.”
~*~
Jensen falls forwards onto the bed sheets, sweat glistening across his back and thighs. He smiles as he rolls onto his back, his head falling to one side as he looks at Jared lying beside him.
“You okay?” Jared asks, his hand falling to Jensen’s chest, smiling at the heavy rise and fall as Jensen catches his breath.
“Mmm,” Jensen manages as he turns onto his side, his hands wrapping around Jared’s. “I feel…” He smiles and leans forwards, small, ghosting kisses to Jared’s mouth and jaw. “Thank you.”
Jared smiles and pulls Jensen’s hands to his chest. “For what?”
“Waiting, understanding.” Jensen smiles. “For being you.”
Jared grins. “It’s awesome being me.”
Jensen laughs and shuffles a little further forward, his toes brushing the top of Jared’s foot.
Jared leans in for more kisses. “Do you need to get back?”
Jensen sighs as Jared’s mouth leaves his. “Can I stay?”
“Here?”
“Just tonight. Then tomorrow will you…” He looks at Jared, hopefully.
“I already said I would. Not sure how helpful I’ll be, but I’ll come with you.”
Jensen smiles and nods his head against the pillow. “Thank you.”
“Like I said.” A kiss. “Anything.”
~*~
Jensen slowly pulls the keys from the ignition. He looks across the street, watching as Nora and Lance start to load the trunk of his car. Jensen’s eyes fall on Jesse. “How could she leave him?” Jensen says quietly.
Jared watches the same scene, Jesse standing holding the broken airplane to his chest as his mother starts to leave his life. “Because she’s never had to be a mother, not really. You were always there.”
Jensen takes a deep breath and grabs the door handle. He pushes open the heavy door and steps out onto the sidewalk. He waits a moment; waits for Jared to join him. He sees Nora look at them, and all he can think to do is take Jared’s hand and walk over to her together.
“Jesse, go inside.”
Jesse smiles. “Jared.”
“Jesse,” Nora snaps, Jesse looking back at her nervously.
“Just leave him,” Jensen suggests, feeling Jared’s hand fall from his.
“Hey, Jesse. Wanna show me your room?” Jared takes Jesse’s hand instead and leads the boy inside.
Nora looks from the scene back to Jensen. “Well that’s just great.”
Jensen shakes his head. “For fuck’s sake. You’re leaving your son to go off with God knows who, and you can even think about disapproving?”
Nora glances behind her as Lance comes back out of the house, another piece of luggage thrown in the trunk. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t.”
Nora fidgets with the strap of her purse. “I need this, Jen.”
Jensen takes a slow breath. “I got into Cal Arts. I’m accepting their offer.”
Nora meets his eyes.
“This is something I need.”
Nora nods her head, tears starting to fall.
“Jared’s great, Nora. He cares about Jesse and me. If he can’t be with you then, surely this is the best thing for him.”
Nora wipes at her eyes.
“Look around. What else could you want for him? This could be amazing for him, more than anything either one of us could ever give him by ourselves.” Jensen watches his sister, the softening of her face.
“I know.”
“You have a choice. This, or take him with you, or…stay.”
Nora shakes her head. “If this all goes wrong. Me and Lance. I want him to be here with you. It’s for the best.” She steps forwards her arms seeking out Jensen’s waist. She holds him, Jensen’s arms falling over her shoulders.
“He’ll be fine with us.”
Nora closes her eyes. “I know.”
~*~
Jared rests his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, his other falling to the back of Jesse’s hair as they watch Nora drive away. No one says anything, Jesse clinging tightly to the airplane as he watches his mother disappear along the street, and Jensen stands, tears forming in his eyes, and strange feelings circling in his chest.
“You ready?” Jared pulls Jensen that little closer, a small squeeze of his shoulder.
Jensen nods slowly, a small smile as he looks from Jared down to Jesse. He can’t believe what’s happened; a feeling of sadness and of freedom. He watches Jared’s fingers curling in Jesse’s hair, a playful squeeze of his neck.
“Yeah.” He is ready, ready for something new, something for him. He smiles for him and Jesse.
“Let’s get your things.” Jared leans across, a small kiss to the side of Jensen’s cheek.
Jensen smiles and looks back at what has been their home, the strange thing being, he doesn’t feel it really ever was. Just something else they would never own for themselves.
“Let’s go home,” Jared says as he takes Jensen’s hand.
Jensen nods. “Yeah. Home.”
~*~
Four months later.
Jensen grins as he watches Jesse and Jared running around in the surf. It’s a week before he starts his place at Cal Arts, a week before Jesse’s first day of kindergarten. He laughs, Jesse grabbing Jared’s waist and the two of them falling over in the wet sand.
Jared looks up and catches Jensen’s eye, a mischievous grin. He gets to his feet, him and Jesse running in Jensen’s direction. He doesn’t give Jensen time to realise what the plan is, all three of them suddenly in a ball of flailing limbs as they play fight to the ground. They laugh and tickle one another. It’s been a whole morning of playing on the beach, showing Jesse how to surf, sandcastles, soccer; just having fun. It’s been great. It’s almost as if they are a family.
“Stop,” Jensen laughs, as he tries to escape the over-eager hands wrapping around his waist and pinching his sensitive skin.
“Jay,” Jesse squeals and rolls out of the mass of bodies to freedom.
Jared stops and rolls off Jensen as well, a grin on his face. “I think we all deserve ice cream. My treat.”
Jensen rolls his eyes; Jared is too keen to spoil both Jesse and him sometimes.
“Yay.” Jesse bounces around in front of them.
“Go gather up your things,” Jared instructs, watching short legs rush away to the pile of beach playthings. He turns back to Jensen, leaning forward for a brief kiss. “You happy?”
Jensen rests his hand over Jared’s in the sand. “You don’t know how much.”
Jared smiles, his fingers curling in the sand beneath Jensen’s. “Maybe you could show me?”
Jensen lowers his head shyly. “Maybe.”
“I love you, and Jesse. I wouldn’t want this any other way.”
Jensen raises his other hand, his sandy fingers brushing over Jared’s stubble covered jaw. He finally has something for himself, something he wanted so badly.
“Ready.” A small voice from beside them.
Jensen and Jared look up to see Jesse standing over them, his rucksack packed with his toys. They get to their feet and start to walk back up the beach.
“I want strawberry and chocolate and mint and caramel and vanilla and…”
Jensen laughs, his hand wrapping in Jared’s as they listen to Jesse reel off a dozen different flavours. He looks between Jesse and Jared. He has to agree that he wouldn’t want this any other way either.
Drifting Hearts: Ready, Steady, Bake