Warning: not for the casual LJ user
This is me being emo
So the more i think about this Navy thing, the more I wonder why I did it. Right now all I can figure out is it was obviously the wrong reasons, because I don't want to go anymore. I mean, was Navy the right decision on military branches? I mean... i looked at the air force, granted it's for wusses, but maybe that's what i'm cut out for if I was just doing this for the college and schooling Air Force was obviously the right choice, but did I choose it, no. Did I do it because I wanted to protect America? We're in a war and I chose the branch with the least likely chance of me going over seas. I may be on them, but not likely over them. Even air force has bases over seas, but only male nurses and builders go over in the navy, and I obviously didn't go for that. I mean... there are tech jobs in all 4 branches of the military, I picked the one furthest from where our countries military FORCE is at. I mean... I was talking with Kathryn and Anna today and Kathryn asked me if I'm happy about it, and i'm not. I'm truely not. For those of you who didn't know my home life through my junior and senior year, my parents were pretty pushy about me and college and how i'm not going to get into one, because I was a horrible student. No, I wasn't pulling to 4.2 I had my freshman year in Illinois, but i never had below a 3.1 cumulative, and i didn't fail any classes. I only applied to a few colleges, local one in Indiana, a few of the ones near B/N, Illinois, and then Purdue. I never got anything back from Purdue, and the illinois schools and IUSB are more just local people go there, nothing huge, nothing to be overly proud of when getting a diploma from IUSB or whatever, and I wanted to prove my parents wrong. I mean... even doin what I did, I dind't prove them wrong, instead of goin to a college below what my capacity is or whatever, I go without actual college at all. I really wanted to prove them wrong and feel like i've done better than they had in life, just so i could tell them to shove their words, but now I've pretty much broken my mom's heart and I feel worse doing all of this to her and my dad than I did listening to their nonsense about how I'm never going anywhere in life. Yes, i was told on more than one occasion that I would be spending my life at Martin's. I guess my mom cries almost daily now. She's not once told me she's proud of me, or she supports me, or anything. My dad says it, but I can't tell if he's just saying it or whether he actually means it. I think he just says it, but I want to believe otherwise. I don't know how he's going to be okay without me, even though we're both stubborn assholes to eachother, we both really do a lot for eachother to just make eachother feel better and have someone to connect to, and now I'm leaving him. My little sister too, she has always tried to do everything like me, played soccer, got into Magic:TG with me, anime, pokemon cards, everything, and now i'm leaving her too. My mom and I have never had a great relationship but it still hurts me that she can't even pretend to be happy that i'm doing something with my life, or be proud of me for doing this. Leaving her doesn't bother me though, but leaving my dad and sister really does... I just thought college would suck but everytime I go to a college dorm (which is like 2/3 of the time purdue, haha) i have a fucking blast, and i see people that I don't want to like... never see again. I mean... boot camp, then i get to be back for a day or two that weekend, but that doesn't mean I can get my friends from illinois and/or indiana to come to chicago for a day or even get the indiana ones to come home, and even the ones that are, doubt I'd actually be able to actually see them anyway. Then my next chance will be after 6 months of school, or possibly 3 months if i become a machinists mate instead of electronic technician which will either put me in like... end of may/beginning of june or end of august/beginning of september, then I will get like a week and a half off minimum, up to like 3 weeks, which will be end of 2nd symester this year or beginning of next year's first symester, so it won't be like everyone will be home. I'll be in South Carolina so the chances are the only person who will be able to easily come see me is Jonathon from West Virginia. I'll be like an hour and a half from Myrtle beach, so I could prolly try to attract some people down there because of that (more than likely the girls) and then meet them there or whatever, but still I can't ask anyone to do that. I think I made a huge mistake in this whole military thing. I hope all this thinking is just nerves, i mean... it's soon, so maybe i'm just stressing out. but some of it is just thinking honestly. I mean... relationship in the next 6 years? No. Why? No one wants to date a military boy, because they're never "home". Especially after school. I mean... that goes both ways too, the majority of the girls i'll be around EVER are the Navy ones, and the chances of me and nameless girl here being together on a ship are slim to none unless we were married and that's just not happening. I coulda went to college and found myself a girl.
This part doesn't really make sense, but here's how my weekend was.
I got into Purdue at like 1:15 or so and Anna had just went to the food court cuz she figured I wouldn't be getting into town yet. So i just met her in the food court and we ate, I met a few people, two of which were leaving when I got there but I got to talk with her friend Anna(like Anne-uh, instead of On-uh, made remembering her name easy enough, haha) which was cool cuz i got to meet someone, then we figured on going to barnes n noble so we did, she got some teenager books, i got some manga, some guy was playing music, he was pretty good, the only song i knew that he was playing was Nowhere Man. We then went back to her house cuz I wanted to play with her dog. Her mom and dad were there so I got to talk see her mom again and I met her dad for the first time. We watched football, and I played with chico a lot and we were just hanging out, we ate dinner there and then we went to pick up Kathryn and this guy David, who is an awesome kid, and deffinitly glad I got to meet him, we went to the theatre on campus, they were sold out, but the lafayette 7 theatre had some tickets, so we went there, well... we thought we were going there but we ended up in some wierd theatre that wasn't even showing harry potter, and eventually anna called her mom and her mom told us where to go, we went, we got tickets, but they were for 10:00 and it was only 8:00 or so. We went to the mall where Anna and Kathryn went shopping and me and david sat outside the nail salon place and just watched a football game and had the best coversation i've ever had about soccer with ANYONE, EVER, which was awesome. Then we went to the theatre and watched Harry Potter, since the movie was so late Kathryn just offered for me to stay in her dorm room since i was supposed to meeet up with another friend and meeting up with them at 1:00 is kinda late, especially considering i didn't know where his dorm was, and i never got a visitor parking pass so... yah, anyway, stayed there, talked pretty much just with Kathryn untill like 2:30-3:00 i forget then we went to bed, which i wasn't able to fall asleep quite yet cuz i'm used to going to bed at like 7:00 or so, haha. But eventually I fell asleep and the time where we all actually woke up was 1:00, which we just layed around for a while cuz we didn't wanna get up, then we had to go eat before the dining halls closed and we had quesadillas which were awesome and other random things. Purdue deffinitly makes the worst potatoes ever. But we went back to kathryn's dorm and all talked about takin ga shower, which i figured i would jsut get going to illinois and take one at someone's house cuz even though i had all the stuff to take a shower in my bag, i forgot a change of clothes and if i was going to go to my truck i was just gonna go on my way, but none of us showered ultimately, haha. But anyway, we sat around, talked, I found out anna was ticklish, she kneed me in the jaw, we were just hanging out and having fun. I enjoyed it. Going to purdue was deffinitly fun, and I'm glad I went before I left for boot camp. Then I got into b/n and i coudlnt' get a hold of anyone so i parked outside of my friend's house, because i knew he had wireless internet and i just got in on that and got a hold of him, at someone elses house, who was also hanging out with the person whose house i was supposed to be staying at. That was a humourous conversation between them i guess.
Caution: This next part is getting into the part of my brain that thinks about girls, it's dangerous.
Okay, even though I didn't come out and say it this weekend at Purdue, they say actions speak louder than words, and if so, Anna has to know I like her still. I'm kinda worried putting this all up in here, since there's a good chance she will read this, but hell, it really doesn't matter anymore. I've pretty much been worried about saying anything because she's one of the coolest girls i've ever met and sometimes when one of two people in a friendship like eachother, things get fucked up, and in the worst possible way and I obviously didn't want that to happen, but I guess with me leaving in 3 weeks and the possibility that I may not even have a chance to see her for 8+ months, I figure if things do go whacky they would at least be able to not be shit at that point in the future. And seriously, i've wanted to tell her a lot, talk to Tim, or any of the other people i've talked to about it, dallas, dustin, and travis prolly being the best options for that. Everytime I think i shoudl tell her I instead act like a moron and don't say anything and then things feel wierd anyway for a while after. I mean she came to town and we went to wal mart and hung out and after we "shopped" she sat in her car and i sat on the ground next to it and we talked and i probably looked just absolutely stupified because she is so much fun to hang around and she's pretty and she's got morals and she's just a great person and someone i've always wanted to really have around and i wanted to tell her, but between being worried about how she would react and feeling stupid about the fact that she's been there this ENTIRE time and i've just somehow managed to never realize what I was missing out on untill she was gone and I didn't see her at martin's or at school, and instead it was just on AIM or text messaging (enough that i caused her parents to sign up for unlimited keke ^^), the soemtimes cell phone calls, and few visits either way that i've had since. I mean... I seriously think I screwed up with this all too, in another really bad way. I just thought once she was gone that it was too late, but i regret thinking that way, woulda rather seen what would have happened if i woulda asked her out or anything, even taking in to consideration a high chance of rejection, haha, at least that's how i figure it. I might get to see her once last before I go, but I don't know yet, nor do I know if she's goin to want to see me once she reads this. Maybe she already figured I liked her from the high level of stupidity I at least felt as if I was acting like when I got to see her. I don't know... Ungh, next subject I suppose.
I really miss talkin to some of my internet friends, seeing as how they seem to be the ones I keep in touch with best, no matter where I / They may move. Deffinitly wishing I got to talk to Keenan/Steph more. Wish there was a good video game out there to play with Suh and jaysuh, but hey... can't win everything right...
So I guess if you read all that you prolly feel like you know me a lot more than you did before, maybe you even read more than you wanted to know. If it's the latter, sorry.
So the more i think about this Navy thing, the more I wonder why I did it. Right now all I can figure out is it was obviously the wrong reasons, because I don't want to go anymore. I mean, was Navy the right decision on military branches? I mean... i looked at the air force, granted it's for wusses, but maybe that's what i'm cut out for if I was just doing this for the college and schooling Air Force was obviously the right choice, but did I choose it, no. Did I do it because I wanted to protect America? We're in a war and I chose the branch with the least likely chance of me going over seas. I may be on them, but not likely over them. Even air force has bases over seas, but only male nurses and builders go over in the navy, and I obviously didn't go for that. I mean... there are tech jobs in all 4 branches of the military, I picked the one furthest from where our countries military FORCE is at. I mean... I was talking with Kathryn and Anna today and Kathryn asked me if I'm happy about it, and i'm not. I'm truely not. For those of you who didn't know my home life through my junior and senior year, my parents were pretty pushy about me and college and how i'm not going to get into one, because I was a horrible student. No, I wasn't pulling to 4.2 I had my freshman year in Illinois, but i never had below a 3.1 cumulative, and i didn't fail any classes. I only applied to a few colleges, local one in Indiana, a few of the ones near B/N, Illinois, and then Purdue. I never got anything back from Purdue, and the illinois schools and IUSB are more just local people go there, nothing huge, nothing to be overly proud of when getting a diploma from IUSB or whatever, and I wanted to prove my parents wrong. I mean... even doin what I did, I dind't prove them wrong, instead of goin to a college below what my capacity is or whatever, I go without actual college at all. I really wanted to prove them wrong and feel like i've done better than they had in life, just so i could tell them to shove their words, but now I've pretty much broken my mom's heart and I feel worse doing all of this to her and my dad than I did listening to their nonsense about how I'm never going anywhere in life. Yes, i was told on more than one occasion that I would be spending my life at Martin's. I guess my mom cries almost daily now. She's not once told me she's proud of me, or she supports me, or anything. My dad says it, but I can't tell if he's just saying it or whether he actually means it. I think he just says it, but I want to believe otherwise. I don't know how he's going to be okay without me, even though we're both stubborn assholes to eachother, we both really do a lot for eachother to just make eachother feel better and have someone to connect to, and now I'm leaving him. My little sister too, she has always tried to do everything like me, played soccer, got into Magic:TG with me, anime, pokemon cards, everything, and now i'm leaving her too. My mom and I have never had a great relationship but it still hurts me that she can't even pretend to be happy that i'm doing something with my life, or be proud of me for doing this. Leaving her doesn't bother me though, but leaving my dad and sister really does... I just thought college would suck but everytime I go to a college dorm (which is like 2/3 of the time purdue, haha) i have a fucking blast, and i see people that I don't want to like... never see again. I mean... boot camp, then i get to be back for a day or two that weekend, but that doesn't mean I can get my friends from illinois and/or indiana to come to chicago for a day or even get the indiana ones to come home, and even the ones that are, doubt I'd actually be able to actually see them anyway. Then my next chance will be after 6 months of school, or possibly 3 months if i become a machinists mate instead of electronic technician which will either put me in like... end of may/beginning of june or end of august/beginning of september, then I will get like a week and a half off minimum, up to like 3 weeks, which will be end of 2nd symester this year or beginning of next year's first symester, so it won't be like everyone will be home. I'll be in South Carolina so the chances are the only person who will be able to easily come see me is Jonathon from West Virginia. I'll be like an hour and a half from Myrtle beach, so I could prolly try to attract some people down there because of that (more than likely the girls) and then meet them there or whatever, but still I can't ask anyone to do that. I think I made a huge mistake in this whole military thing. I hope all this thinking is just nerves, i mean... it's soon, so maybe i'm just stressing out. but some of it is just thinking honestly. I mean... relationship in the next 6 years? No. Why? No one wants to date a military boy, because they're never "home". Especially after school. I mean... that goes both ways too, the majority of the girls i'll be around EVER are the Navy ones, and the chances of me and nameless girl here being together on a ship are slim to none unless we were married and that's just not happening. I coulda went to college and found myself a girl.
This part doesn't really make sense, but here's how my weekend was.
I got into Purdue at like 1:15 or so and Anna had just went to the food court cuz she figured I wouldn't be getting into town yet. So i just met her in the food court and we ate, I met a few people, two of which were leaving when I got there but I got to talk with her friend Anna(like Anne-uh, instead of On-uh, made remembering her name easy enough, haha) which was cool cuz i got to meet someone, then we figured on going to barnes n noble so we did, she got some teenager books, i got some manga, some guy was playing music, he was pretty good, the only song i knew that he was playing was Nowhere Man. We then went back to her house cuz I wanted to play with her dog. Her mom and dad were there so I got to talk see her mom again and I met her dad for the first time. We watched football, and I played with chico a lot and we were just hanging out, we ate dinner there and then we went to pick up Kathryn and this guy David, who is an awesome kid, and deffinitly glad I got to meet him, we went to the theatre on campus, they were sold out, but the lafayette 7 theatre had some tickets, so we went there, well... we thought we were going there but we ended up in some wierd theatre that wasn't even showing harry potter, and eventually anna called her mom and her mom told us where to go, we went, we got tickets, but they were for 10:00 and it was only 8:00 or so. We went to the mall where Anna and Kathryn went shopping and me and david sat outside the nail salon place and just watched a football game and had the best coversation i've ever had about soccer with ANYONE, EVER, which was awesome. Then we went to the theatre and watched Harry Potter, since the movie was so late Kathryn just offered for me to stay in her dorm room since i was supposed to meeet up with another friend and meeting up with them at 1:00 is kinda late, especially considering i didn't know where his dorm was, and i never got a visitor parking pass so... yah, anyway, stayed there, talked pretty much just with Kathryn untill like 2:30-3:00 i forget then we went to bed, which i wasn't able to fall asleep quite yet cuz i'm used to going to bed at like 7:00 or so, haha. But eventually I fell asleep and the time where we all actually woke up was 1:00, which we just layed around for a while cuz we didn't wanna get up, then we had to go eat before the dining halls closed and we had quesadillas which were awesome and other random things. Purdue deffinitly makes the worst potatoes ever. But we went back to kathryn's dorm and all talked about takin ga shower, which i figured i would jsut get going to illinois and take one at someone's house cuz even though i had all the stuff to take a shower in my bag, i forgot a change of clothes and if i was going to go to my truck i was just gonna go on my way, but none of us showered ultimately, haha. But anyway, we sat around, talked, I found out anna was ticklish, she kneed me in the jaw, we were just hanging out and having fun. I enjoyed it. Going to purdue was deffinitly fun, and I'm glad I went before I left for boot camp. Then I got into b/n and i coudlnt' get a hold of anyone so i parked outside of my friend's house, because i knew he had wireless internet and i just got in on that and got a hold of him, at someone elses house, who was also hanging out with the person whose house i was supposed to be staying at. That was a humourous conversation between them i guess.
Caution: This next part is getting into the part of my brain that thinks about girls, it's dangerous.
Okay, even though I didn't come out and say it this weekend at Purdue, they say actions speak louder than words, and if so, Anna has to know I like her still. I'm kinda worried putting this all up in here, since there's a good chance she will read this, but hell, it really doesn't matter anymore. I've pretty much been worried about saying anything because she's one of the coolest girls i've ever met and sometimes when one of two people in a friendship like eachother, things get fucked up, and in the worst possible way and I obviously didn't want that to happen, but I guess with me leaving in 3 weeks and the possibility that I may not even have a chance to see her for 8+ months, I figure if things do go whacky they would at least be able to not be shit at that point in the future. And seriously, i've wanted to tell her a lot, talk to Tim, or any of the other people i've talked to about it, dallas, dustin, and travis prolly being the best options for that. Everytime I think i shoudl tell her I instead act like a moron and don't say anything and then things feel wierd anyway for a while after. I mean she came to town and we went to wal mart and hung out and after we "shopped" she sat in her car and i sat on the ground next to it and we talked and i probably looked just absolutely stupified because she is so much fun to hang around and she's pretty and she's got morals and she's just a great person and someone i've always wanted to really have around and i wanted to tell her, but between being worried about how she would react and feeling stupid about the fact that she's been there this ENTIRE time and i've just somehow managed to never realize what I was missing out on untill she was gone and I didn't see her at martin's or at school, and instead it was just on AIM or text messaging (enough that i caused her parents to sign up for unlimited keke ^^), the soemtimes cell phone calls, and few visits either way that i've had since. I mean... I seriously think I screwed up with this all too, in another really bad way. I just thought once she was gone that it was too late, but i regret thinking that way, woulda rather seen what would have happened if i woulda asked her out or anything, even taking in to consideration a high chance of rejection, haha, at least that's how i figure it. I might get to see her once last before I go, but I don't know yet, nor do I know if she's goin to want to see me once she reads this. Maybe she already figured I liked her from the high level of stupidity I at least felt as if I was acting like when I got to see her. I don't know... Ungh, next subject I suppose.
I really miss talkin to some of my internet friends, seeing as how they seem to be the ones I keep in touch with best, no matter where I / They may move. Deffinitly wishing I got to talk to Keenan/Steph more. Wish there was a good video game out there to play with Suh and jaysuh, but hey... can't win everything right...
So I guess if you read all that you prolly feel like you know me a lot more than you did before, maybe you even read more than you wanted to know. If it's the latter, sorry.