do you want me to care? because i do... =(
dear diary,
sometimes my heart and head hurts too much from worry and care. i'm beginning to think people would rather me not care about them so that they can go on with their lives doing what they want... not necessarily what's best for them. or at least that is what i've been told o_o
but who am i to know what is best for everyone? i don't even know what's best for me anymore. i'm so confused with the streams of thoughts that cycle through my head. but i'm sure everyone is pretty sure they know what's best for them. exactly like how i know i should study, eat properly, exercise, and sleep properly. i probably do half of those things half of the time. so a fourth of the time i'm actually doing the right thing. so why is it human nature to defy what we should do for things we want to do? but even still i'm completely at a loss for what i should do right now....
as of now i'm completely broke and actually in debt...not too badly, but enough to make me feel completely irresponsible with my money and my time. i had a good few weeks prior to now, but after the haze of joy and elation cleared to the sunny revelation of life's reality, i KNOW i should've acted more responsibly. so is my mood adversely related to the amount of liquid assets? probably so. but i know i'm not completely telling the truth if i admitted to money being the root of all my problems.
it seems that the little things that were just annoying before have escalated into being things that ruin friendship, self-esteem, and moods. whatever i used to believe were strengthening bonds of relationships, like dialogue, confronting issues, and sincerely apologizing for what you know you are due for apologizing, tend to be things that weaken some relationships. to talk too much is a crime. to worry too much is overbearing. to apologize is cynical. what happened to the world in which God asks us to be forgiving...? apparently, none of us (that includes myself) can ever be that perfect.
so when did i turn into grendel? when did the hideous monster release itself from my innermost prison and begin to stake territories in my life? i can't even be amongst the closest of friends without feeling like i'm dishonest, envious, menacing, and predatory.... and that makes me want to cry. there seem to be three me's... and for lack of remembering Freudian theory, i have to simplify those aspects into the child, the thinker, and the aggressor. unfortunately it seems that the thinker is being mistaken for grendel...where in actuality the aggressor is the true grendel of my soul. are all humans built with the capacity to hate? or is my past to be blamed for all the shortcomings in my personality?
my child always cries. it never seems happy, and it never seems motivated to escape the mood it has eternally chosen to be imprisoned in. though the thinker does a very good job rationalizing that my life is surrounded in happy matters, my child always gets to voice its unappetizing opinion that no matter what i do, i'll never be really happy. and that's why i've been crying so much recently.
but that's a complete lie. there was once a time i can remember clearly being overjoyed and completely satisfied. and it wasn't a time long ago that i have to remember in passing. it was merely a few years ago until recently... and it makes me so unhappy to know that that period has ended for me. what changes in me or in my environment to have such a jekyll-hyde morph in my spirit. what's most unnerving is that though i know this isn't the first time it has happened, like dr. jekyll, i can't actually remember the times or reasons of my change. i wish i could look back in my past and just figure it out for the final time and stay happy.
but the only way to stay happy is to remain completely oblivious of my environment. and i thought that the reason i was well loved and respected is because i'm so intuitive and observative...but those are the exact things i need to change to finally stay happy. so what's more important to the people i love and the people who love me? apparently who i am now is someone who needs to change...but are they (and i) willing to give up that much of me for something that may perhaps only be circumstantially... short-lived? i don't think i could do it... nor do i believe i have the capacity to leave those things behind...
so unfortunately i'm stuck in a bind. i know there are things i can change... but if i change them... will that make the situation any better than it is now... or will that make me even more unhappy because i have to compromise myself and still not get the desired outcome? and why do i feel alone? maybe because i feel like all my friends are borrowed for a limited-time only...and that if people had to chose, i'd be the last man waiting to be picked on a team.
so that's it... i have a runner-up complex. =/
*sighs*
i'm sorry diary, i do promise i'll try to make the next post... happier?
sincerely,
~kawaiisou hitomi
finished @ 1:37am
p.s. - someone please make me a new icon ;_; someone promised to do it a long time ago...and they still haven't yet, so anyone who knows me...feel free...i'll give you credit ^_~ (i do like this current one...it just sometimes makes me sad to remember who made it for me...but it's hard to give up since it expresses me...*sigh*)
sometimes my heart and head hurts too much from worry and care. i'm beginning to think people would rather me not care about them so that they can go on with their lives doing what they want... not necessarily what's best for them. or at least that is what i've been told o_o
but who am i to know what is best for everyone? i don't even know what's best for me anymore. i'm so confused with the streams of thoughts that cycle through my head. but i'm sure everyone is pretty sure they know what's best for them. exactly like how i know i should study, eat properly, exercise, and sleep properly. i probably do half of those things half of the time. so a fourth of the time i'm actually doing the right thing. so why is it human nature to defy what we should do for things we want to do? but even still i'm completely at a loss for what i should do right now....
as of now i'm completely broke and actually in debt...not too badly, but enough to make me feel completely irresponsible with my money and my time. i had a good few weeks prior to now, but after the haze of joy and elation cleared to the sunny revelation of life's reality, i KNOW i should've acted more responsibly. so is my mood adversely related to the amount of liquid assets? probably so. but i know i'm not completely telling the truth if i admitted to money being the root of all my problems.
it seems that the little things that were just annoying before have escalated into being things that ruin friendship, self-esteem, and moods. whatever i used to believe were strengthening bonds of relationships, like dialogue, confronting issues, and sincerely apologizing for what you know you are due for apologizing, tend to be things that weaken some relationships. to talk too much is a crime. to worry too much is overbearing. to apologize is cynical. what happened to the world in which God asks us to be forgiving...? apparently, none of us (that includes myself) can ever be that perfect.
so when did i turn into grendel? when did the hideous monster release itself from my innermost prison and begin to stake territories in my life? i can't even be amongst the closest of friends without feeling like i'm dishonest, envious, menacing, and predatory.... and that makes me want to cry. there seem to be three me's... and for lack of remembering Freudian theory, i have to simplify those aspects into the child, the thinker, and the aggressor. unfortunately it seems that the thinker is being mistaken for grendel...where in actuality the aggressor is the true grendel of my soul. are all humans built with the capacity to hate? or is my past to be blamed for all the shortcomings in my personality?
my child always cries. it never seems happy, and it never seems motivated to escape the mood it has eternally chosen to be imprisoned in. though the thinker does a very good job rationalizing that my life is surrounded in happy matters, my child always gets to voice its unappetizing opinion that no matter what i do, i'll never be really happy. and that's why i've been crying so much recently.
but that's a complete lie. there was once a time i can remember clearly being overjoyed and completely satisfied. and it wasn't a time long ago that i have to remember in passing. it was merely a few years ago until recently... and it makes me so unhappy to know that that period has ended for me. what changes in me or in my environment to have such a jekyll-hyde morph in my spirit. what's most unnerving is that though i know this isn't the first time it has happened, like dr. jekyll, i can't actually remember the times or reasons of my change. i wish i could look back in my past and just figure it out for the final time and stay happy.
but the only way to stay happy is to remain completely oblivious of my environment. and i thought that the reason i was well loved and respected is because i'm so intuitive and observative...but those are the exact things i need to change to finally stay happy. so what's more important to the people i love and the people who love me? apparently who i am now is someone who needs to change...but are they (and i) willing to give up that much of me for something that may perhaps only be circumstantially... short-lived? i don't think i could do it... nor do i believe i have the capacity to leave those things behind...
so unfortunately i'm stuck in a bind. i know there are things i can change... but if i change them... will that make the situation any better than it is now... or will that make me even more unhappy because i have to compromise myself and still not get the desired outcome? and why do i feel alone? maybe because i feel like all my friends are borrowed for a limited-time only...and that if people had to chose, i'd be the last man waiting to be picked on a team.
so that's it... i have a runner-up complex. =/
*sighs*
i'm sorry diary, i do promise i'll try to make the next post... happier?
sincerely,
~kawaiisou hitomi
finished @ 1:37am
p.s. - someone please make me a new icon ;_; someone promised to do it a long time ago...and they still haven't yet, so anyone who knows me...feel free...i'll give you credit ^_~ (i do like this current one...it just sometimes makes me sad to remember who made it for me...but it's hard to give up since it expresses me...*sigh*)