Nightmares.
I rarely have dreams, let alone remember the one I had a few moments after I wake up.
I woke up today quite earlier than normal, and that is what fuels my post for today. I woke up in a fright.
---
My dream teetered closely towards romance, or rather, the problems of communication associated with it.
I'm grateful that the people were faceless. The only one with real identity was me. I liked someone there - it's a romance, after all - but my mind kindly saw fit to be objective, and stripped her (I hope it was a her) of any identifying marks. The only part I can distinctly remember is that it ends badly. Not only do I get rejected, I end up losing a friend in what seems to be an angry fit of rage. It's probably my worst fear realized.
I've asked myself countless times which ideal I hold higher. Time and time again, both in real life and in my imaginations, I find myself acting to save a friendship and mercy killing what, from my point of view, is a failing romance. To me, rejection or self-defeat is a minor hiccup, compared to the chasm that is the death of a friendship.
I'm quite proud of the fact that despite my abysmal record of zero romantic relationships*, I've yet to lose anyone of the girls I've ever declared love for as a friend. And yes, even when that virtual one ended badly, I am thankfully still friends with that person.
Is it worth it, Jaime? It's only now that I've started questioning that. I used to say yes. Right now, I'm not so sure anymore. A friend recently opened my eyes to the subject, and yes, Nakakapagod siya. It's indeed very tiring.
But meh, inasmuch as I want to shut it off, I can't. So what else do you do? Roll with the blow.
I don't think I was ever good in this game. I can usually see attraction from the littlest of overt, "random" acts of kindness from one to another, but am woefully nearsighted with anything involving myself. As Nanasawa-san puts it so succintly, "if she dropped hints the size of a commuter train that she wanted to hear from you, would you still be too nervous to dial her number?"
Guilty as charged. Well, maybe not too nervous to call, but still pretty nervous, and I'm very sure that a huge part of that's just the bravado talking.
Thankfully, I'm not a "fanboy" lacking in self-confidence. Though I do suffer from a hefty dose of overthought and worrying how large of a footprint my actions cause in this reality.
I don't ever want to make a decision again to protect a friendship or further a romance such that favoring one damns the other. Though, as I understand this game we will all play in at least one point in our lives, that's how it works.
It starts when I must subscribe to an insane belief that the other side, the girl, is someone I admire, cherish, am willing to protect and grow old with.
Maybe it's love at first sight, maybe it's because she does something stupid like show that she cares. Maybe you happened to look at her when she was showing her good side. Maybe someone slipped you a love potion or shot you with a silver arrow from Cupid's Short Bow of Puppy Love +Infinity. Doesn't matter.
Anyways, I tell her that I do so, using naive applications of the four-letter l-word. Perhaps I'm too scared to say love, and it's probably too early anyway. Because I can barely see the line between the two, no matter how many theology classes I take. But you know, during those times, it feels like it, even if it's just some crazy infatuation on steroids.
Then, after the fall.
There's this awkward phase of not knowing what happened to that conversation. There's no direct reply. At this point, as a player, or casual observer of this game, I'm not rightly sure what to do. Sometimes, the aura is still casual, and it's like nothing ever happened. Sometimes, there is a feeling of being cold-shouldered. Usually, it's just me thinking up equally insane scenarios of some hallucinations of success and glory, and of gloom and doom. These vary with each day, each hour, or whenever you let your imagination wander just the LEAST bit. (PROTIP: Don't. Easier said than done.)
Then it's choose your own adventure time!
If you are a pessimist, or someone with Spock-like Logic, turn to page 236.
If you are an optimist, or a Romantic, turn to page 421.
Page 236.
Then eventually, it clicks. She doesn't like me. It's quite evident with her see-saw reaction. While you can't really be sure of what she thinks of you, you're DEFINITELY sure that she doesn't like you. She's, at best, still confused, and at worst, trying to tell you *VERY GENTLY* that she doesn't like the idea of you two together. It's so clear that she's not dropping those commuter-train sized hints anymore, especially now that you realize this gaping hole where a hint should've been. In fact, she's always been wishy-washy about this whole thing, and prudence dictates that when you're not sure, the answer is most likely no. Then you realize that something's just suddenly different. It's all normal.
And hey, your friend agrees with you. You're probably right.
Turn to page 367 to save the friendship.
Page 421.
Then eventually, it clicks. She's baiting you to see what your next move will be. It's quite evident with her see-saw reaction. While you can't really be sure of what she thinks of you, you're DEFINITELY sure that romance is still possible. She's, at best, still confused, and at worst, trying to tell you *VERY GENTLY* that she doesn't like the idea of you two together. It's so clear that if she really didn't want you around, she'd tell you straight up, like you did. In fact, she's always been wishy-washy about this whole thing, so it's time to convince her to realize the truth. Then you realize that something's just suddenly different. It's all normal.
And hey, your friend agrees with you. You're probably right.
Turn to page 587 to risk it all for the glory of love.
---
How about, stop reading the damn book, realize that you don't have to decide anything until you actually do, and just go with the flow?
Better to just actually forget about it and do something constructive.
So yeah, that's what I'll do from now on. Because there's no trouble like the imagined kind.
---
*virtual ones don't count.
I woke up today quite earlier than normal, and that is what fuels my post for today. I woke up in a fright.
---
My dream teetered closely towards romance, or rather, the problems of communication associated with it.
I'm grateful that the people were faceless. The only one with real identity was me. I liked someone there - it's a romance, after all - but my mind kindly saw fit to be objective, and stripped her (I hope it was a her) of any identifying marks. The only part I can distinctly remember is that it ends badly. Not only do I get rejected, I end up losing a friend in what seems to be an angry fit of rage. It's probably my worst fear realized.
I've asked myself countless times which ideal I hold higher. Time and time again, both in real life and in my imaginations, I find myself acting to save a friendship and mercy killing what, from my point of view, is a failing romance. To me, rejection or self-defeat is a minor hiccup, compared to the chasm that is the death of a friendship.
I'm quite proud of the fact that despite my abysmal record of zero romantic relationships*, I've yet to lose anyone of the girls I've ever declared love for as a friend. And yes, even when that virtual one ended badly, I am thankfully still friends with that person.
Is it worth it, Jaime? It's only now that I've started questioning that. I used to say yes. Right now, I'm not so sure anymore. A friend recently opened my eyes to the subject, and yes, Nakakapagod siya. It's indeed very tiring.
But meh, inasmuch as I want to shut it off, I can't. So what else do you do? Roll with the blow.
I don't think I was ever good in this game. I can usually see attraction from the littlest of overt, "random" acts of kindness from one to another, but am woefully nearsighted with anything involving myself. As Nanasawa-san puts it so succintly, "if she dropped hints the size of a commuter train that she wanted to hear from you, would you still be too nervous to dial her number?"
Guilty as charged. Well, maybe not too nervous to call, but still pretty nervous, and I'm very sure that a huge part of that's just the bravado talking.
Thankfully, I'm not a "fanboy" lacking in self-confidence. Though I do suffer from a hefty dose of overthought and worrying how large of a footprint my actions cause in this reality.
I don't ever want to make a decision again to protect a friendship or further a romance such that favoring one damns the other. Though, as I understand this game we will all play in at least one point in our lives, that's how it works.
It starts when I must subscribe to an insane belief that the other side, the girl, is someone I admire, cherish, am willing to protect and grow old with.
Maybe it's love at first sight, maybe it's because she does something stupid like show that she cares. Maybe you happened to look at her when she was showing her good side. Maybe someone slipped you a love potion or shot you with a silver arrow from Cupid's Short Bow of Puppy Love +Infinity. Doesn't matter.
Anyways, I tell her that I do so, using naive applications of the four-letter l-word. Perhaps I'm too scared to say love, and it's probably too early anyway. Because I can barely see the line between the two, no matter how many theology classes I take. But you know, during those times, it feels like it, even if it's just some crazy infatuation on steroids.
Then, after the fall.
There's this awkward phase of not knowing what happened to that conversation. There's no direct reply. At this point, as a player, or casual observer of this game, I'm not rightly sure what to do. Sometimes, the aura is still casual, and it's like nothing ever happened. Sometimes, there is a feeling of being cold-shouldered. Usually, it's just me thinking up equally insane scenarios of some hallucinations of success and glory, and of gloom and doom. These vary with each day, each hour, or whenever you let your imagination wander just the LEAST bit. (PROTIP: Don't. Easier said than done.)
Then it's choose your own adventure time!
If you are a pessimist, or someone with Spock-like Logic, turn to page 236.
If you are an optimist, or a Romantic, turn to page 421.
Page 236.
Then eventually, it clicks. She doesn't like me. It's quite evident with her see-saw reaction. While you can't really be sure of what she thinks of you, you're DEFINITELY sure that she doesn't like you. She's, at best, still confused, and at worst, trying to tell you *VERY GENTLY* that she doesn't like the idea of you two together. It's so clear that she's not dropping those commuter-train sized hints anymore, especially now that you realize this gaping hole where a hint should've been. In fact, she's always been wishy-washy about this whole thing, and prudence dictates that when you're not sure, the answer is most likely no. Then you realize that something's just suddenly different. It's all normal.
And hey, your friend agrees with you. You're probably right.
Turn to page 367 to save the friendship.
Page 421.
Then eventually, it clicks. She's baiting you to see what your next move will be. It's quite evident with her see-saw reaction. While you can't really be sure of what she thinks of you, you're DEFINITELY sure that romance is still possible. She's, at best, still confused, and at worst, trying to tell you *VERY GENTLY* that she doesn't like the idea of you two together. It's so clear that if she really didn't want you around, she'd tell you straight up, like you did. In fact, she's always been wishy-washy about this whole thing, so it's time to convince her to realize the truth. Then you realize that something's just suddenly different. It's all normal.
And hey, your friend agrees with you. You're probably right.
Turn to page 587 to risk it all for the glory of love.
---
How about, stop reading the damn book, realize that you don't have to decide anything until you actually do, and just go with the flow?
Better to just actually forget about it and do something constructive.
So yeah, that's what I'll do from now on. Because there's no trouble like the imagined kind.
---
*virtual ones don't count.