On understanding

[haddayr]

Every wheelie has an experience similar to the one I had today: I pushed open the door to the bathroom and began to wheel through it. A coworker was standing at the sinks, washing her hands. She looked up, a totally panicked expression on her face, and abandoned her hygiene to leap in front of me, completely blocking my entrance, and to grab the

Comments

[mia_mcdavid]

We're all terrified of sharing your fate. It's something we'd as soon not think about; like dying or mental illness having to live on the street. I understand your fury.

[sturgeonslawyer]

Why are "we" all "terrified" of sharing her "fate"? This is not death, it's a change.

I recently had a change in my health. It caused significant changes in my lifestyle. I was trepidatious, but "terrified?" No. Each of us will face changes in our health, unless we die first.

To say "we are terrified of sharing your fate" is to put haddayr into a box, to say, "your life is worse than mine." It probably isn't.

[mmerriam]

No, her life probably isn't worse, but people are still afraid of becoming something they don't understand. I see, (if not at all understand) where the commenter is coming from. Fear. I can't even count the times I've had an able-bodied person say something along the lines of: "How do you ever manage being blind? I think I'd rather die/kill myself than be blind."

It's all about fear. Fear of losing that ever so special status of able-bodied.

[mia_mcdavid]

I don't have Haddayr in a box; I have Haddayr in South Minneapolis in a very nice house with her family. :-)

I am just reporting/speculating on the reactions of myself and other currently-abled on seeing somebody who uses a wheelchair.

[mkhobson]

So if the coworker saw you coming through the door and said, "you got it?" (with the implicit message being, "willing to help if necessary") and then went about her business, how would that strike you? OK? Or still too invasive? (I'm aware, of course, that you're not answering for every disabled individual in the world, I'm just curious about your personal response.)

[haddayr]

Totally frustrating in a completely different way! Presumably the one asking 'you got it' is not panicking; however, she is assuming that the person who clearly HAS got it might fall apart at any moment and need aid, because her chair has wheels.

[mkhobson]

Thanks for the answer, that's really helpful. Sending happy vibes your way for whatever they're worth. :-)

[tigerbright]

I am guilty of this myself, and not just to people using assistive mobility devices... heck, my officemate Jane and I say it to each other all of the time.

I expect that getting out of the way but attempting to hover surreptitiously would be Right Out.

[deborahw37]

Oh well said! As always!

[haddayr]

Thank you, dear.

[browngirl]

their response is nearly always the same: you have to understand they meant well.

Is there a non-gender-based synonym for "mansplaining"? Maybe "Ablesplaining"> in this case? I dunno.

Saying you are the one who has to understand reminds me of when I've been told that as a woman or a Black person or a fat girl or whatever I'm the one required to make the change, reach out, be graceful, finesse the situation, swallow the kindly meant insults. It sounds like another example of how the person in the marked group, or rather the group seen as marked, is the one required to make the effort; the person from the group seen as normal and/or unmarked does not have to make the effort and/or is seen as making sufficient effort in whatever effort they put forth no matter how inappropriate or inadequate.

Or am I overgeneralizing? But this is what this reminded me of.

I hope your coworker didn't drip on you too much.

[haddayr]

No, you are not overgeneralizing. You are totally understanding. Thank you. :big hug:

omg omg I get to use my new hug icon

[aamcnamara]

That is a good icon. -/irrelevant-

[haddayr]

THE DOCTOR IS NEVER IRRELEVANT

[yasonablack]

Hear hear! I hate the 'buuuutt they meeeeaaan well'. No they usually do not. (Like the people who are obviously doing it for karma points or whatnot).