On understanding

[haddayr]

Every wheelie has an experience similar to the one I had today: I pushed open the door to the bathroom and began to wheel through it. A coworker was standing at the sinks, washing her hands. She looked up, a totally panicked expression on her face, and abandoned her hygiene to leap in front of me, completely blocking my entrance, and to grab the

Comments

[callunav]

I have to say that pretty much regardless of context, the words, "You have to understand" are already going to put me well along the road to rage.

No. No, I don't. And that's not even what is actually meant, because clearly, you do understand - and in different situations I understand - all too well.

Ohhhh, we understand. We have to.

Socially diminished groups - whether actual minorities or not and honestly what does it matter whether you have 51% or not? - /always/ have the burden of 'understanding' placed on them, and they always /do/ understand. It's part of the process of institutionalized oppression: they don't have to understand us. Their world order says that we are the abnormal ones, which apparently translates to, 'you will probably understand the others because you are inundated every day with their worldview, but just in case you don't already get it, it's your obligation to master it.'

But the actual message isn't just comprehension, it's of never-ending, unlimited allowance-making. 'You have to accept what you're

never-ending, unlimited allowance-making

[haddayr]

Yep. Tired of it.

"They meant well"--sorry about that immolation

[shalanna]

THIS
THIS
THIS

I'm sorry that people are . . . a**hats. They think YOU should understand that they are . . . stupid. (sigh) And afraid of anything that's different, especially if it can move and talk! Eeeeeeaaaaa! *facepalm* *headdesk*

I've seen this forever--my grandmother was in a chair, and people would act simply WEIRD around her. I broke my kneecap a couple of years ago and had to use a chair to get around until they'd let me put weight on the leg, and MAN, did people act funny. You could make them scatter just by rolling at them! It was kind of fun, but mostly sad. They can't handle the fact that they are at best temporarily abled. Sooner or later, just about everyone is going to have to have help, or a walker, or a cane, or glasses, or WHATEVER. If they live long enough!

I don't know how this can change, but if I think of some way to change hearts. . . it ought to come in pretty handy!

[burgundy]

Up until, say, 2003 or 2004, or maybe even later, I never really thought about disability much. And then I started making friends on LJ who wrote about disability, and then I had meat-space friends who talked about it, and that got me to start reading on my own. And I don't think I was ever as bad as the "you have to understand" people, but maybe I was.

But the point is that I am much more mindful and aware now, and more politicized about it, and LJ is the primary reason why. So for what it's worth, maybe that's a very, very small silver lining? I wish people weren't jerks. I wish disabilities were not so thoroughly othered that non-disabled people freak out. I wish privileged people didn't try to put all the onus of understanding on the non-privileged. But given that they are, and they do, I'm glad that people like you are writing posts like this, because it really does make a difference.

[haddayr]

Thanks; this is good to know.

[dryadjuna]

2 ill-formed things:

1) Yes, we should see disabled people all over the place and be accustomed to it. BUT, we shouldn't need accustoming (apparently that's a word) to avoid treating them differently.

2) I think a huge player here is careful instruction from parents. If I can make a gender parallel here, I get male coworkers positively fainting and contorting in discomfort if they can't make sure I know they tried to open the door or offer me a chair or whatever. Just today, one wanted to make sure 'I didn't go telling people he wasn't a gentleman'. You know, because I didn't let him arbitrarily hop out of his seat when I showed up late to a meeting and instead went to get my own chair. I think a very similar teaching applies to people with visually apparent disabilities. Parents instruct their kids to always defer to them, be on the lookout to help, etc. It's totally illogical, but programmed in so young they can't get past it being part of being a good person.

[orbitalmechanic]

Yes, pre-programmed children are SO much less offensive. It is so painful to see them running around all: "Hey you have a cane! How come? My shoes are green!" while their parents are like OMG STOP LOOK AWAY IT IS A SECRET THAT THAT MAN HAS A CANE.

[tigerbright]

*laugh* My children try to show things to our friend Masha, or wave to her from far away, completely forgetting that she can't see them. So she or I ask them to describe it - good verbal skills for them and really cute to watch.

[haddayr]

Oh my goodness this comment made me laugh and laugh.

[tigerbright]

Yeah, I don't get the jumping for people and getting in their way. I'll hold the door for anyone if we're passing by each other and it's a "hold the door or let it fall on the other person" situation.

There's a weekly lunch for the seniors who live in the apartment building on the JCC grounds in the conference room in my floor, and I have witnessed much oddness, from deliberately looking away from the old lady with the walker to obtrusively helping.

Besides, these are Jewish old ladies from BOSTON. If they need help, they're certainly not going to sit in the dark! :)

I had a lovely experience this morning where two nice, slow-moving older gentlemen insisted on opening the automatic door for me because I was carrying a box of papers. (I probably would have hit the button with my butt for that reason, but the not-getting-in-my-way courtesy was sweet.)

[cine_magique]

Thank you for this post! ^_^

Yes, people being unhelpful in order to feel good about themselves for "helping" really sucks.

I use a powerchair, and the other day I was on the train with a takeaway cup of coffee (with a lid) that was still half-full in my hands. The cup was causing no bother to me or anyone else.

Random stranger: Here, let me take that cup for you, and throw it in the bin - I am getting off at the next train stop.

Me: No, thank you.

Random stranger: Really, it's no trouble

Me: No, thank you.

Random stranger: Really, it's no trouble

Random stranger: starts walking towards me to take my coffee cup

Me: Holds my hand out in front of myself in a blunt "Stop!" gesture.

Stranger: slows down a little, but doesn't back off.

Me: No, the coffee is still half-full, I am going to finish drinking it when I get off the train.

Stranger: reluctantly gives up.

It was clear that his "Help disabled people" program had kicked in, and his need to *feel* that he was being helpful, over-rode anything that I said or did.

[haddayr]

w
t
f

[drewkitty]

What makes this one even more fun is that such an approach (insisting-offering to take a small item, or asking for change, or asking for the time) is also a classic approach technique for muggers and other criminals. It gets them through the social space into the personal space. If they get a strong or aggressive reaction, they may back off -- and then again, may not.

I am amazed at your patience in not going to the New Yorker and/ or Terminator level, "F--- You, #$$#*%#"

There really is no excuse for clueless sometimes.

[orbitalmechanic]

That is SUCH a good connection, thank you.