repost: Never letting go Chapter 18
Donghae tried his bestest best to know what’s happening with Hyukjae. His mother and father even tried pulling off their connections but Hyukjae’s family was really good in hiding whatever it is that happened to Hyukjae. None of the hospital staff squealed anything about the incident.
He even tried contacting some of the guests during the wedding, but to no avail: none of them gave him anything that would help him know whatever’s going on with Hyukjae. Speculations rose because of the news blackout and the refusal of the family to answer any questions regarding Hyukjae. And among these speculations, one idea stood out the most and that is: Hyukjae tried committing suicide.
People believed it easily. Everybody knew about the disappointments and embarrassments she’s been through. She’s miserable.
And yet, Donghae refused to believe it. He knew Hyukjae would never do something like that. Especially not in her loved one’s special day.
And it only frustrated Donghae more that he could not find a way to learn what happened to Hyukjae.
The only person who he thinks could help him was Hyuna, but she always shuts him out, either by phone or by door.
Doojoon tried squeezing information out of her for Donghae, but she was firm in not telling him what she knows.
---
Three days after the incident, Hyukjae was discharged from the hospital. Donghae got to know as much, but Hyukjae was heavily guarded; aside from family members only a few friends were allowed to see her.
Donghae tried stalking in front of their mansion but they seem to have taken Hyukjae somewhere else. His efforts were fruitless, and he was in grave despair. All he wanted to know is whether Hyukjae’s alright, but it seems that circumstances simply wouldn’t allow him to find out.
And it was breaking him a hundred times more than he already was.
---
“I want to be alone for a moment…” Hyukjae asked Kyuhyun and Sungmin to leave her for a while.
She was at the memorial park where the remains of her baby were buried. For the past couple of days, she’s been spending almost half of her days there, talking to her baby that she was not going to see, ever. Staying this close to the only proof that her baby existed, seeing her name marked on marble, seeing it all like this would be the last in a long while; later that evening would be her scheduled flight to the United States with Kyuhyun and Sungmin.
To start a brand new life. To start rebuilding her shattered self.
“Hey angel…” She began. Her finger tips traced the engraved name in the marble. Angela. “I know you will not like it… but…Umma has to leave…” Her tears began cascading down her cheeks. The spike of pain in her chest was so sharp it rendered her weak. “But I’ll be back… I promise I’ll be back… You know I don’t want to leave you baby…but… I know you would not want to see Umma crying all the time like this, don’t you?” Light drizzle came amidst the bright sun. It was as if her baby was answering her.
Hyukjae looked up, feeling the drizzle caress her face. “Don’t cry baby… You’ll always be a part of me, and you’ll forever be here…” she said, pointing to her chest. “Pray for me my little angel… Always be with me… because you’ll be in my thoughts. Always. When I come back, Umma will only have smiles to give you… I promise you that, so be happy okay? Play with the other angels and don’t be naughty… I’ll miss you… I love you…”
The wind blew lightly and Hyukjae closed her eyes as if to feel her baby kissing her.
She spent a few more minutes just sitting there, staring at her daughter’s name. She glanced at her watch and decided it was time for her to leave; she still needs to go somewhere. She dusted off her skirt and walked back to where Kyuhyun and Sungmin were waiting for her.
“I’d like to drop by the orphanage, if it’s okay?” she asked Kyuhyun and her twin nodded.
“Of course. The kids will be glad to see you. They’ve been missing you, you know…”
A sad smile formed in Hyukjae’s lips. She’ll definitely miss going to the orphanage too…
---
Donghae didn’t know why, but he was feeling extremely uneasy that whole day. He was anxious and the need to see Hyukjae was even stronger. It felt like if he doesn’t see Hyukjae at that moment… it’s like he would not see her ever again.
He searched the school field for Hyuna and she found her in the cafeteria. She was with Doojoon, and her eyes were swollen.
“Hey…” He pulled a chair gently and sat. Hyuna glared at him. “Hyuna…”
“If you’re going to ask again about Hyukkie, just give it up. I won’t tell you anything.”
“Please?”
“Why are you so insistent to know? Wasn’t it your plan? To make her believe that you love her, leave her, and make her miserable?”
“That’s not true… I love her,” Donghae looked at Hyuna in the eyes, hoping that she would see the sincerity in them, enough for her to believe him. “I love her… I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much…” Donghae’s eyes watered at the sudden attack of pain that he felt. He’d be ready to be miserable as long as Hyukjae will be happy, because she deserves it.
Hyuna felt the truthfulness in Donghae’s words. The grief reflected in his eyes was too great to be ignored. But she’s in no position to tell him what happened to Hyukjae. If someone should let him know, it should be Hyukjae herself alone.
But she can do something… She just hopes that it won’t be too late.
“You know the orphanage that she sponsors right? If you hurry… you might be able to catch her… Go now before she’s gone…” Hyuna said to Donghae.
“Gone?”
“She’s leaving and she wouldn’t tell where she’s going. So hurry up… She needs you.”
---
Donghae didn’t waste another minute. He ran to where his car was parked, not minding anything else but his goal. He intended to drive as fast as he can, but fate only has cruelty in store for him: the roads were heavily congested because of the heavy downpour. Strings of curses were muttered.
It was already dark when he reached the orphanage. Most of the lights were already turned off, and there wasn’t any car parked outside. Donghae felt disheartened. Is it too late? His jaws pressed tightly as his hands balled into a fist.
His chest and throat were both tight and painful. Until the very last minute, he was a total failure to himself, and most of all, to Hyukjae. He turned back, intending to go back to his car.
“Mr. Lee?” a voice called for him. He turned and found out that it was the Mother Superior. Donghae took a deep breath before walking back to the old woman who had a gentle smile on her face.
“You came here for her… Am I right?” Donghae nodded. “She left about two hours ago…” Donghae closed his eyes at the painful affirmation.
“I missed her…” He said, meaning the words in ways that made his heart and soul hurt as if the furies of hell had come to seize it. . He misses her so much it felt like there was a hole in his heart, and he can’t believe that he just missed his chance to finally see her. His sorrowful tears began cascading down his cheeks “Why am I such a failure when it comes to her? I always end up hurting her… even when I don’t mean to.”
The woman looked at Donghae empathetically; she feels his sorrow, but she doesn’t pity him. And this is not because she thinks he deserves what is happening, but because she believes that it’s not yet too late for him, and for Hyukjae. She took the younger man’s hand and held it.
“Have faith. You love her. She loves you. She waited for you, didn’t she? Now it’s your turn… Love is patient, and love is enduring… This is just another challenge for the both of you…”
“Haven’t we’ve been through enough?”
“It’s a tough road for everybody, son… Have faith in her… She’ll comeback… in time… She just needs to heal. She’s lost more than you think she has…”
Donghae stared at the nun in front of him.
“I may not fully know love in the sense that you do… but I know that love, in general, can wait… Sometimes believing is all it takes to change things.”
“How long… Did she tell you where she’d be going and how long she’s going to be away?” Donghae asked desperately. The nun just shook her head lightly.
“I’m sorry but she didn’t tell us either… but she did promise that she’d comeback… and I assure you, Hyukjae has never broken a promise before…” She said, looking at Donghae with warm eyes. “I’ll be going now; the kids are waiting for me inside. Go home son, you need rest…”
The rain started to fall again, as the Mother Superior trailed her way back into the orphanage. Donghae himself didn’t hurry to go back to his car for cover. That night, he felt he wasn’t alone in his sorrow. It felt as if the world is crying for him too.
---
7 years later.
Donghae’s nose was buried in the documents he was reviewing for the company. At 26, he’s already the vice president of their company and is bound to take on the top position when his father decides to retire. It hadn’t been a problem to their subordinates because he deserves to be in the position. He worked hard for the company. After entering the company 5 years ago, he had been able to help the company get rid of its debts, including the money they loaned from Hyukjae’s family, and he was able to help their company join the ranks of the country’s leading companies.
For the past 7 years, he worked hard, and dedicated his time and effort solely to his job. And this he achieved with Hyukjae as his inspiration.
He threw a glance on the picture on their desk. It was a magazine cut-out of Hyukjae, from 4 years back. It was from the very first appearance of Hyukjae in Vogue.
He reached for the frame and leaned back on his chair, his eyes fixed themselves on the picture.
After Hyukjae left, he tried searching for her, him and his family, but they were unsuccessful. They tried checking through the names of the people who left Korea that day, but they failed to find Hyukjae’s name in there. So they stopped searching, but that didn’t mean that Donghae stopped loving Hyukjae. He didn’t, and he knew that he never probably will.
He recalled how he ‘found’ her again. It happened after a boring meeting. He was still new to the company then, and Yesung, who was his designated assistant started to flip through the pages of his newly bought magazine.
Donghae was surveying the already empty conference room when he noticed that Yesung was too absorbed in reading the magazine.
“Hyung, you seem to be interested in women’s fashion… just between us… are you gay?” Donghae asked. He was just kidding but the deathly glare he got from Yesung was rather scary.
“Do I look gay to you? Want me to punch you in the face?” Yesung told him in a serious tone, though Donghae knew the other would not do it.
“Then why do you have magazines all the time? Women’s magazines at that.”
“Because I admire the beautiful creations in this world a.k.a women.” Yesung threw him a bored look, as if his question was stupid and irrelevant.
“Really? But then why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Donghae found the conversation relaxing, maybe particularly because he’s comfortable with Yesung.
“Because as beautiful as they are… they’re like vines. If you let them cling to you… you’ll end up getting strangled.”
“Really now…”
“How about you? Why do you not have a girlfriend until now?”
Donghae was silenced at the question.
“You still love her don’t you…? I wonder how she looks like though…” Yesung continued when he figured that Donghae wouldn’t even respond to him. He continued browsing through the pages until he seem to have found something interesting.
“Ah… Korea’s pride… In two or three years, I’ll bet she’ll make it to the top…” Yesung said loudly.
“Who?”
“Lee Eunhyuk.”
“Who’s that?”
“You know, sometimes, you should take a break from burying your head in the documents. You’re becoming boring.” Yesung pushed the magazine towards him. “She’s Kim Heechul’s new found ‘Jewel’. Heechul discovered her last year and is grooming her to be the next top model. And I think she’s successful in doing that… for a newbie to land in the front page of Vogue... that’s a very hard feat to achieve…” Donghae didn’t understand Yesung’s words anymore. He was busy trembling as he recognized the woman in the picture.
“Hyukjae…”
----
Donghae was pulled back to reality when he heard the door click open. It was Yesung.
“You’re staring at the picture again… Aish. Donghae. How many more times are you going to let her slip from your fingers?” Yesung shook his head lightly.
If Donghae can find the time, he always watches Hyukjae on the runway. But still he couldn’t bring himself to face her. He was still a coward, then and now. He preferred to be in the shadows, watching her every success. He was so proud of her; he was her biggest fan. Collecting almost everything related to her, be it video clips, magazines… He even told his mom and other female relatives to use everything she endorses.
Donghae just smiled.
“You know there are a lot of guys out there wooing her. You’re aware of that aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Donghae said.
“Then why aren’t you making a move? What if one day she agrees to marry one of them, what will happen to you?”
“Then, I’ll be alone and miserable.” He said, his words half-meant. Of course he still wants Hyukjae. However, he didn’t want to be in the way of her dreams. He doesn’t want to distract her. She seems to have found her passion in modeling, and she looks happiest when she’s on the runway. If he shows up, no doubt, she’ll be shaken up. He’ll wait for her. After all he’s been waiting for years. A few more years wouldn’t hurt as much. As long as he sees her, he’s fine.
“Whatever. Anyways, I got this for you.” Yesung waved a mini DVD in front of him
“What’s that?”
“Exclusive. Behind the scenes footage of her still unreleased lipstick commercial. Should partially satisfy your Hyukjae craving.” Yesung placed the DVD on the table.
An appreciative smile plastered on Donghae’s face. He’s lucky to have Yesung as a friend.
“Where do you get these stuff?”
“Connections, boy, connections. I have my ways… So, can I take your pretty secretary out for lunch?”
“You’ve been traumatizing her…” Donghae chuckled. His secretary, Ryeowook, is getting creeped out by Yesung.
“Am not. So is it okay?”
“If she agrees, then why not?”
“So that means it’s an order from you right?” Yesung smirked.
“You like her a lot don’t you?”
“Can’t you tell?”
“I thought you don’t want to be attached?”
“Love at first sight.” Yesung said, not giving any more explanation but that. “See you later bro. I have a princess to date…”
Donghae just shook his head and let Yesung be. He’s in no doubt that Ryeowook’s in good hands.
He even tried contacting some of the guests during the wedding, but to no avail: none of them gave him anything that would help him know whatever’s going on with Hyukjae. Speculations rose because of the news blackout and the refusal of the family to answer any questions regarding Hyukjae. And among these speculations, one idea stood out the most and that is: Hyukjae tried committing suicide.
People believed it easily. Everybody knew about the disappointments and embarrassments she’s been through. She’s miserable.
And yet, Donghae refused to believe it. He knew Hyukjae would never do something like that. Especially not in her loved one’s special day.
And it only frustrated Donghae more that he could not find a way to learn what happened to Hyukjae.
The only person who he thinks could help him was Hyuna, but she always shuts him out, either by phone or by door.
Doojoon tried squeezing information out of her for Donghae, but she was firm in not telling him what she knows.
---
Three days after the incident, Hyukjae was discharged from the hospital. Donghae got to know as much, but Hyukjae was heavily guarded; aside from family members only a few friends were allowed to see her.
Donghae tried stalking in front of their mansion but they seem to have taken Hyukjae somewhere else. His efforts were fruitless, and he was in grave despair. All he wanted to know is whether Hyukjae’s alright, but it seems that circumstances simply wouldn’t allow him to find out.
And it was breaking him a hundred times more than he already was.
---
“I want to be alone for a moment…” Hyukjae asked Kyuhyun and Sungmin to leave her for a while.
She was at the memorial park where the remains of her baby were buried. For the past couple of days, she’s been spending almost half of her days there, talking to her baby that she was not going to see, ever. Staying this close to the only proof that her baby existed, seeing her name marked on marble, seeing it all like this would be the last in a long while; later that evening would be her scheduled flight to the United States with Kyuhyun and Sungmin.
To start a brand new life. To start rebuilding her shattered self.
“Hey angel…” She began. Her finger tips traced the engraved name in the marble. Angela. “I know you will not like it… but…Umma has to leave…” Her tears began cascading down her cheeks. The spike of pain in her chest was so sharp it rendered her weak. “But I’ll be back… I promise I’ll be back… You know I don’t want to leave you baby…but… I know you would not want to see Umma crying all the time like this, don’t you?” Light drizzle came amidst the bright sun. It was as if her baby was answering her.
Hyukjae looked up, feeling the drizzle caress her face. “Don’t cry baby… You’ll always be a part of me, and you’ll forever be here…” she said, pointing to her chest. “Pray for me my little angel… Always be with me… because you’ll be in my thoughts. Always. When I come back, Umma will only have smiles to give you… I promise you that, so be happy okay? Play with the other angels and don’t be naughty… I’ll miss you… I love you…”
The wind blew lightly and Hyukjae closed her eyes as if to feel her baby kissing her.
She spent a few more minutes just sitting there, staring at her daughter’s name. She glanced at her watch and decided it was time for her to leave; she still needs to go somewhere. She dusted off her skirt and walked back to where Kyuhyun and Sungmin were waiting for her.
“I’d like to drop by the orphanage, if it’s okay?” she asked Kyuhyun and her twin nodded.
“Of course. The kids will be glad to see you. They’ve been missing you, you know…”
A sad smile formed in Hyukjae’s lips. She’ll definitely miss going to the orphanage too…
---
Donghae didn’t know why, but he was feeling extremely uneasy that whole day. He was anxious and the need to see Hyukjae was even stronger. It felt like if he doesn’t see Hyukjae at that moment… it’s like he would not see her ever again.
He searched the school field for Hyuna and she found her in the cafeteria. She was with Doojoon, and her eyes were swollen.
“Hey…” He pulled a chair gently and sat. Hyuna glared at him. “Hyuna…”
“If you’re going to ask again about Hyukkie, just give it up. I won’t tell you anything.”
“Please?”
“Why are you so insistent to know? Wasn’t it your plan? To make her believe that you love her, leave her, and make her miserable?”
“That’s not true… I love her,” Donghae looked at Hyuna in the eyes, hoping that she would see the sincerity in them, enough for her to believe him. “I love her… I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much…” Donghae’s eyes watered at the sudden attack of pain that he felt. He’d be ready to be miserable as long as Hyukjae will be happy, because she deserves it.
Hyuna felt the truthfulness in Donghae’s words. The grief reflected in his eyes was too great to be ignored. But she’s in no position to tell him what happened to Hyukjae. If someone should let him know, it should be Hyukjae herself alone.
But she can do something… She just hopes that it won’t be too late.
“You know the orphanage that she sponsors right? If you hurry… you might be able to catch her… Go now before she’s gone…” Hyuna said to Donghae.
“Gone?”
“She’s leaving and she wouldn’t tell where she’s going. So hurry up… She needs you.”
---
Donghae didn’t waste another minute. He ran to where his car was parked, not minding anything else but his goal. He intended to drive as fast as he can, but fate only has cruelty in store for him: the roads were heavily congested because of the heavy downpour. Strings of curses were muttered.
It was already dark when he reached the orphanage. Most of the lights were already turned off, and there wasn’t any car parked outside. Donghae felt disheartened. Is it too late? His jaws pressed tightly as his hands balled into a fist.
His chest and throat were both tight and painful. Until the very last minute, he was a total failure to himself, and most of all, to Hyukjae. He turned back, intending to go back to his car.
“Mr. Lee?” a voice called for him. He turned and found out that it was the Mother Superior. Donghae took a deep breath before walking back to the old woman who had a gentle smile on her face.
“You came here for her… Am I right?” Donghae nodded. “She left about two hours ago…” Donghae closed his eyes at the painful affirmation.
“I missed her…” He said, meaning the words in ways that made his heart and soul hurt as if the furies of hell had come to seize it. . He misses her so much it felt like there was a hole in his heart, and he can’t believe that he just missed his chance to finally see her. His sorrowful tears began cascading down his cheeks “Why am I such a failure when it comes to her? I always end up hurting her… even when I don’t mean to.”
The woman looked at Donghae empathetically; she feels his sorrow, but she doesn’t pity him. And this is not because she thinks he deserves what is happening, but because she believes that it’s not yet too late for him, and for Hyukjae. She took the younger man’s hand and held it.
“Have faith. You love her. She loves you. She waited for you, didn’t she? Now it’s your turn… Love is patient, and love is enduring… This is just another challenge for the both of you…”
“Haven’t we’ve been through enough?”
“It’s a tough road for everybody, son… Have faith in her… She’ll comeback… in time… She just needs to heal. She’s lost more than you think she has…”
Donghae stared at the nun in front of him.
“I may not fully know love in the sense that you do… but I know that love, in general, can wait… Sometimes believing is all it takes to change things.”
“How long… Did she tell you where she’d be going and how long she’s going to be away?” Donghae asked desperately. The nun just shook her head lightly.
“I’m sorry but she didn’t tell us either… but she did promise that she’d comeback… and I assure you, Hyukjae has never broken a promise before…” She said, looking at Donghae with warm eyes. “I’ll be going now; the kids are waiting for me inside. Go home son, you need rest…”
The rain started to fall again, as the Mother Superior trailed her way back into the orphanage. Donghae himself didn’t hurry to go back to his car for cover. That night, he felt he wasn’t alone in his sorrow. It felt as if the world is crying for him too.
---
7 years later.
Donghae’s nose was buried in the documents he was reviewing for the company. At 26, he’s already the vice president of their company and is bound to take on the top position when his father decides to retire. It hadn’t been a problem to their subordinates because he deserves to be in the position. He worked hard for the company. After entering the company 5 years ago, he had been able to help the company get rid of its debts, including the money they loaned from Hyukjae’s family, and he was able to help their company join the ranks of the country’s leading companies.
For the past 7 years, he worked hard, and dedicated his time and effort solely to his job. And this he achieved with Hyukjae as his inspiration.
He threw a glance on the picture on their desk. It was a magazine cut-out of Hyukjae, from 4 years back. It was from the very first appearance of Hyukjae in Vogue.
He reached for the frame and leaned back on his chair, his eyes fixed themselves on the picture.
After Hyukjae left, he tried searching for her, him and his family, but they were unsuccessful. They tried checking through the names of the people who left Korea that day, but they failed to find Hyukjae’s name in there. So they stopped searching, but that didn’t mean that Donghae stopped loving Hyukjae. He didn’t, and he knew that he never probably will.
He recalled how he ‘found’ her again. It happened after a boring meeting. He was still new to the company then, and Yesung, who was his designated assistant started to flip through the pages of his newly bought magazine.
Donghae was surveying the already empty conference room when he noticed that Yesung was too absorbed in reading the magazine.
“Hyung, you seem to be interested in women’s fashion… just between us… are you gay?” Donghae asked. He was just kidding but the deathly glare he got from Yesung was rather scary.
“Do I look gay to you? Want me to punch you in the face?” Yesung told him in a serious tone, though Donghae knew the other would not do it.
“Then why do you have magazines all the time? Women’s magazines at that.”
“Because I admire the beautiful creations in this world a.k.a women.” Yesung threw him a bored look, as if his question was stupid and irrelevant.
“Really? But then why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Donghae found the conversation relaxing, maybe particularly because he’s comfortable with Yesung.
“Because as beautiful as they are… they’re like vines. If you let them cling to you… you’ll end up getting strangled.”
“Really now…”
“How about you? Why do you not have a girlfriend until now?”
Donghae was silenced at the question.
“You still love her don’t you…? I wonder how she looks like though…” Yesung continued when he figured that Donghae wouldn’t even respond to him. He continued browsing through the pages until he seem to have found something interesting.
“Ah… Korea’s pride… In two or three years, I’ll bet she’ll make it to the top…” Yesung said loudly.
“Who?”
“Lee Eunhyuk.”
“Who’s that?”
“You know, sometimes, you should take a break from burying your head in the documents. You’re becoming boring.” Yesung pushed the magazine towards him. “She’s Kim Heechul’s new found ‘Jewel’. Heechul discovered her last year and is grooming her to be the next top model. And I think she’s successful in doing that… for a newbie to land in the front page of Vogue... that’s a very hard feat to achieve…” Donghae didn’t understand Yesung’s words anymore. He was busy trembling as he recognized the woman in the picture.
“Hyukjae…”
----
Donghae was pulled back to reality when he heard the door click open. It was Yesung.
“You’re staring at the picture again… Aish. Donghae. How many more times are you going to let her slip from your fingers?” Yesung shook his head lightly.
If Donghae can find the time, he always watches Hyukjae on the runway. But still he couldn’t bring himself to face her. He was still a coward, then and now. He preferred to be in the shadows, watching her every success. He was so proud of her; he was her biggest fan. Collecting almost everything related to her, be it video clips, magazines… He even told his mom and other female relatives to use everything she endorses.
Donghae just smiled.
“You know there are a lot of guys out there wooing her. You’re aware of that aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Donghae said.
“Then why aren’t you making a move? What if one day she agrees to marry one of them, what will happen to you?”
“Then, I’ll be alone and miserable.” He said, his words half-meant. Of course he still wants Hyukjae. However, he didn’t want to be in the way of her dreams. He doesn’t want to distract her. She seems to have found her passion in modeling, and she looks happiest when she’s on the runway. If he shows up, no doubt, she’ll be shaken up. He’ll wait for her. After all he’s been waiting for years. A few more years wouldn’t hurt as much. As long as he sees her, he’s fine.
“Whatever. Anyways, I got this for you.” Yesung waved a mini DVD in front of him
“What’s that?”
“Exclusive. Behind the scenes footage of her still unreleased lipstick commercial. Should partially satisfy your Hyukjae craving.” Yesung placed the DVD on the table.
An appreciative smile plastered on Donghae’s face. He’s lucky to have Yesung as a friend.
“Where do you get these stuff?”
“Connections, boy, connections. I have my ways… So, can I take your pretty secretary out for lunch?”
“You’ve been traumatizing her…” Donghae chuckled. His secretary, Ryeowook, is getting creeped out by Yesung.
“Am not. So is it okay?”
“If she agrees, then why not?”
“So that means it’s an order from you right?” Yesung smirked.
“You like her a lot don’t you?”
“Can’t you tell?”
“I thought you don’t want to be attached?”
“Love at first sight.” Yesung said, not giving any more explanation but that. “See you later bro. I have a princess to date…”
Donghae just shook his head and let Yesung be. He’s in no doubt that Ryeowook’s in good hands.