Draco/Hermione fic: A Reason chapters 3&4
A Reason Update
Chapters 3&4 of A Reason! Enjoy!
Chapter 3: Still My Reason
Author: Hafthand
Rating: PG
Summary: Draco on his brief encounter in the train
Disclaimer: If it was mine then I would be wearing really expensive shoes right now and not just my socks!
A.N: Well here it is. Draco’s point of view. This bit doesn’t reveal much, but god how I love the angst and uncertainty inside our favourite Slytherin. It is short and very vague, but it is meant as a set up! Thank you everyone who has reviewed! Talk about motivation. See end of chap for individual thank you’s!!
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I saw her once, just after Hogwarts. I know she saw me. How could I not? Her gaze was like fire the instant she caught sight of me sitting in the muggle train. It took all my willpower to not look at her, too not see her beautiful eyes staring back into mine. I had no doubt that she was wondering why the hell I was on a muggle train in the first place. Truth be told, I was wondering why she was even on it.
I had to fight hard not to meet her gaze so, I continued on as though I was reading the book before me, but I didn’t see the words. How could I concentrate on anything now that she was looking at me? Fear began to creep into my head, a cold fear that had not gripped me since at Hogwarts when I had given up so much so she could be happy. Happy without me. As far as I knew, she still had no idea about the past, about how close she came to dieing that night. As far as I knew, she had not thought about me since I left. As far as I knew, she still thought I was evil.
That night, as I had walked from the Great Hall, I knew then and there I would never return to Hogwart’s. My time there had ended and an unknown future had presented itself to me. I had not fled from the hall as I had thought I would have. No I had said my good-bye and walked out with my head high. But then what? What lay ahead for an orphaned wizard with no friends, no allies, and no hope? I didn’t know and I didn’t care.
I was no longer Lucius Malfoy’s prodigy son, Death Eater to be, but I was also no longer a student under the protective gaze of Dumbledore. My life was destined for the shadows now. I had to make sure no one knew. I had to make sure they thought I was dead. Dumbledore had made clear the importance of keeping certain things hidden, and he also made clear his wish that I could have stayed under his protection. It was impossible however, for me to have stayed at Hogwarts. There was a spy creeping the corridors of the school; a spy that had almost succeeded in its mission. We didn’t know who it was; oh I had my suspicions, but that’s all they were.
So I had erased the existence of a certain Draco Malfoy and had watched silently from the sidelines as the battle raged on, creeping my way through the rubble, neither side gaining much ground. I had heard all about the heroics of Potter and his little army, but I didn’t care. I had done the right thing. It had been worth it. She had been worth it. So, I was fine. Fine until I saw her picture in the paper once, and it was all I could do to not check on her. All I could do to not make sure she was okay. She had been smiling so happily, so care-free.
But, as ever, I knew I couldn’t intrude on that. When I had been younger, I used to dream that I would tell her the whole truth and that, upon seeing I wasn’t a monster, would grow to care for me, maybe even love me. Love. A feeling and a concept I had never known till her. A feeling that changed everything and nothing at the same time. I had often wondered what she would do if she had known that I, Draco Malfoy, pureblood, had fallen for her charms. She had become my reason. She became my conscience. But in the end I laughed at the childish idea. Love me? No one could do that, no matter what I had done for them. I was a Malfoy, love was not a concept I was supposed to understand. So instead I hide like a coward in the shadows.
Sadly, as my mind came back to the present, I knew I never wanted this train ride to end. I did not dare look at her, but even her mere presence had brought everything back for me. All too soon I could see her decide to approach me; I knew I had to flee. My stop was not for ages, but I couldn’t risk talking to her again. I don’t think I would have been able to walk away this time. So I rose from my seat and paid no attention to those around me as I made my way to the door. The train slowed and I could feel her getting closer. I was not to meet Miss Granger on this day, for all too soon the doors were opening and I was once again walking out of her life.
Then I heard her call out my name. “Draco!” So shocked was I at her use of my first name that I let my guard down and stopped. For a brief moment I had visions of what would happen if I were to just turn and acknowledge her presence. I saw us attempting to talk of past times like the friends we never were. I saw her asking me what had happened to me, and where I had been. All too soon I was once again remembering the look in her eye as I held her hand that night, long ago at Hogwarts. I remembered the questions in her brown eyes. I remembered the screams echoing from my father’s mouth. I remembered then, why I had left and not looked back. She was safe. To turn towards her now would ruin everything I had worked towards.
No, she can’t know I saw her. So I fumbled through my pockets looking for an imaginary object that upon finding allowed me to once again begin my exit from the station. I heard the doors close and thought it was over. Only this time I looked back. All reason had gone, everything I had just thought. I didn’t care if she caught me or not. I needed one last look. So I turned quickly and found the train disappearing through the tunnel. As quick as she had reentered my life she had left it again. But it’s okay. It had to be like this. I hadn’t seen her in ages, but she was still my reason. I turned and walked up the stairs happier then I had been in a very long time. A dark path lay before me, but none of that mattered now.
I saw her once, after Hogwarts. I should never have let her see me.
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Well folks? I know this was short and not very revealing, but I think I have an idea for this fic, so I am setting it up for what comes next. Notice the ominous last line!!??!! Hmmm may have to throw in some Remus in the future and maybe reveal a bit of what happened. Who knows??? I have plenty of time on my hands as I am now in Italy relaxing from school and work for a few months, so I can spend hours doing nothing. Instead I spend hours reading fanfic, eating good food, and finally writing some Harry Potter stuff!! Anywho, enough ranting.
Chapter 4: Put It Down To Malfoy Pride, Okay?
Rating is being changed since this is no longer a one-off to PG-13. Considering R but not yet!
A/N: Well all those reviews...(blushes) and here I thought this was going to be a one-off! Any who I hope you all like this chapter; I like it better then the last one. I am also trying to make the chapters longer so as to enhance reading pleasure! Look at end for personal thank you’s!!!
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He entered the dark muggle pub and let his eyes search the rather questionable clientele. It was a smoky, back alley pub with bad lighting, and even worse music. It was perfect for who he was hunting. He had been hunting him for a week with no luck until tonight. He saw his quarry and, making sure his hood sufficiently covered his face, stalked carefully toward his goal.
No one looked up from their drinks. No one bothered to take notice of the yellow fire his eyes possessed beneath his ragged cloak. No one let their eyes drift from their tables. But he didn’t think for one minute they weren’t all listening. He approached his prey and watched as the man threw back another drink, slamming the empty glass next to several others like it. He allowed a small smirk to tug at his lips as he pushed his way forward. Grabbing the seat next to the drunken man, he caught the attention of the bartender and signaled for a drink and sat down. The man next to him made no indication that he knew he was there.
Grabbing his drink from the ugliest bartender he had ever seen, he threw back the shot, slammed it to the table and turned towards the man. “She saw you, you know.”
Having expected some reaction, he was rather surprised when the man simply nodded and said, “I know,” his eyes never leaving the table.
“This causes a problem,” the hooded man said softly turning to signal the bartender for another drink.
“I thought it might.”
“Yet you let her see you?” his tired voice asked. “Draco, you should have-“
“I what?” Draco spat out, turning to look at the man for the first time. The fire in his eyes didn’t frighten the man, only shook him to his core. “I should have what?”
“Well dyed your hair for one,” the man said smiling slightly before knocking back another drink.
“Yeah well, put it down to Malfoy pride okay,” Draco replied, visibly relaxing, the fire in his eyes changing into a deep tiredness.
“Yeah, well your Malfoy pride has the ministry buzzing, not to mention other, unsavory groups.”
“She told on me,” Draco spluttered, almost as if he were thirteen again.
“No, no not really. She told Harry and Ron that she saw you on the train. You can imagine what happened from there.”
“Fuck Potter, and fuck Weasley as well. God-damnit. Should I be worried?” Draco asked looking unconcerned as he called over for another drink.
“Yes, yes I think you should,” the man answered, pushing his hood back and running his hand tiredly through his hair. He took a deep breath and asked, “Why didn’t you just turn away? Why let her see you after this long? You’ll have to run again, you know this, so why did you do it?”
Knocking back the shot Draco winced slightly as the hard liquor burned down his already raw throat. “Run. No, I am sick of running. No more running for this Malfoy.” When Draco saw the man was about to interrupt he continued quickly. “Why didn’t I turn away? Would you have been able to Remus? Would you? God, I just wanted to walk right up to her and, and, well I don’t know, but she was so close. Closer then she has been to me in a long time. I could have reached over and touched her she was that real to me.”
Remus Lupin glanced worriedly at the young man next to him and sighed. “You have been alone too long Draco. I think you are starting to lose it.”
“Yeah, well that makes two of us.” Draco threw his head into his hands and growled loud enough so that several patrons turned to look at him. “God how could I have been so stupid!”
“Love does funny things to people.”
“Oh, love huh? Is that what this is? I throw my life away cause some stupid, nerdy mudblood starts to grow on me a few years back? I turn my back on everyone and everything I knew just so she could live in blissful ignorance for the rest of her precious life? I kill my own flesh and blood for her knowing I will never get a thank you? Is this love Remus? Malfoy’s don’t love.” And though Draco’s words had been harsh, there had been no malice behind them. Remus could see that the young man before him, even after so long, had still not come to grips with the battle inside him. Remus didn’t think Draco ever would. He knew exactly what the young man was going through.
“Love is most certainly not my specialty any more then it is yours. But you did a wonderful thing for someone you should by all rights have despised. Now that, well that is something isn’t it. Even if she never knows, you saved her life and that forms a link, you know that,” Remus said softly as he stood up. Now that he had warned the young man, it was time to go. He reached over and placed a firm grip on Draco’s shoulder. “Whatever you decide to do, be careful. Don’t let her, or anyone else cloud your judgment.”
“You couldn’t have given me that advice years ago?” Draco asked sarcastically.
“Yeah well, you wouldn’t have listened then, and I truly doubt you’ll listen now.” Remus reached for his hood, pulling slowly over his head. “Be careful Draco. Reveal too much too soon, and you are asking for disaster. Take care.” Remus turned to go but was stopped by Draco’s voice.
“How did you find me anyway?”
“I hunted you. And you better believe if I can do it, so can they.” And with that Remus left the muggle pub and disappeared into the awaiting darkness knowing full well he would be seeing Draco Malfoy very soon. He was young, and young men often allow their hearts to rule their actions, even if they didn’t think they had a heart to begin with.
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Draco sat in the pub drinking for a long time after Remus had left him. What was he supposed to do now? What possibilities lay before him? They knew. They all knew he was alive and kicking now, she had seen to that. But what did it matter anyway? Wasn’t it about time he quit running, and step up with all the courage he used to brag about? But for which side? He practically laughed at that thought. It wasn’t like he had a choice; he had made sure of that years ago.
Throwing back another drink he allowed his mind to wander back into the past. He let his mind wander to when he had first really and truly seen her.
“Damnit Malfoy, get the fuck off me,” Hermione shrieked trying to push him away. Draco Malfoy had followed her after Arithmancy, one of the few times she was actually alone, and watched as she took a shortcut through deserted hallways. He had quickened his pace, grabbed her roughly by the arm and pushed her into an empty classroom. She had been so surprised she hadn’t had time too react. He had slammed the door, thrown her against the wall, and was currently pinning her to it with the whole of his body. She felt small underneath him, small, but strong.
She was fighting hard against him, but years of Quidditch had toned his fifteen-year-old body, and he barely budged. “Malfoy,” she shrieked, not in fear, but in anger.
“Shut up Mudblood,” he practically spat at her. He could see her wand beneath her robes and made quick work of throwing it across the room. Some of the fight went out of her for a moment after he did that, but then she redoubled her efforts. He grabbed her arms and pinned them against the wall by her head. He turned his heated and hateful gaze towards her and she stilled when his eyes met hers. She hadn’t expected the intensity of his look, and frankly it frightened her.
Now that she had stilled, Malfoy let his eyes take her all in. Her bushy hair, petite face, small chest, boyish hips. He could not understand what the hell was so goddamned special about her. He continued staring at her for several minutes trying to find something, anything about her that could account for her strength, her intelligence. He finally brought his eyes back up to hers and saw the fear had gone only to be replaced by curiosity. Damn her and her Gryffindor courage. He was her better; she should be trembling in fear.
He leaned in and whispered harshly in her ear, “Tell me something, Mudblood. What makes you so goddamned special? What gives you the right to walk through these halls with your head held so high? You are nothing but dirt, you know that? Filthy and soiled. How is it that someone with your dirty blood, can achieve what you have? How is it that you feel you can walk where purebloods walk?”
“Jealous Malfoy? Daddy been hard on you cause your grades aren’t up to par? Mummy embarrassed caused her little prince is being shown up by a Mudblood?” Hermione spat back at him. A rage began burning in her eyes. A rage that almost made him drop her then and there and turn around. But he had a mission to do, and he wasn’t going to let anything change that. “You know nothing about me and nothing about my blood. We are all the same you stupid git, open your eyes and stop being brainwashed.” She said this so matter-of-factly that Malfoy knew she thought he was toying with her. Knew she thought he would never hurt her. Well, he would just have to take her down a peg or two.
Before she could see what he was doing, Malfoy reached into his own robes and pulled out a small silver dagger. The light from the torches in the classroom reflected off the surface of the blade, causing it to gleam brilliantly. Malfoy stared at the simple dagger wondering what it would feel like entering his skin. He wondered whether it would hurt much. He was brought out of his trance by her sharp intake of breath. He smiled maliciously, though his eyes remained blank, and brought the blade to her throat.
“Know nothing about you? I don’t need to know anything about you, you filthy bitch. I know enough. Father gave this to me,” he said glancing at the dagger, not daring to look into her eyes. He had never killed, never cut someone open and watched them bleed. He knew he was capable; it was something he had been born to do. The light playing off the blade seemed so very bright and inviting to him. He slowly lifted the blade from her throat and held it before him. The sharp blade mesmerized him. How easy to end it all right here. No more thoughts, no more scars, no more of anything.
It was her silence, more than anything, that finally made him meet her eyes. She should have been quivering in fear, she should have been crying, or screaming, or doing anything else except what she was. He saw her staring at the blade, watching the light play off its gentle edge. He saw her eyes stare invitingly at it. He saw her eyes practically begging him to do it. Thoughts ran through Draco’s head in a flash, ‘It couldn’t possibly mean... but Granger was... miss perfect... Father said... She wants me to cut her, no she wants me to kill her!’
He stumbled backwards with the force of that realization, her eyes still on the dagger. He looked at her and he knew then. He knew it to his very core. He knew she was just like him; blood aside, she was just like him. He fled. He didn’t look back, didn’t care whom he ran over, Draco Malfoy fled for his life. He had thought he had her figured out, he had thought he knew exactly what she was. But that had all changed. And as he ran from her, that is when he started to fall. That is when it all started to go horribly wrong.
He shook himself from his memories and stared at the empty glasses before him. He had seen a truth in her eyes that night that had never allowed him to look at her the same way again. He had never found out why she hadn’t backed down from the blade, which he had thrown out, as far as he could, into the lake on the grounds and hadn’t seen it since. “Arg, you’re a fool Malfoy,” he growled out loud. The heads of several patrons around him turned towards him. He caught their looks and they backed down at the fierceness in his eyes.
He reached into his pocket and threw down some muggle money without looking to see how much. He got up from his stool and walked through the smoke-filled pub and out the door into the darkness. He paused then and looked down the road and then up the other way. Dark and fog both ways. “Well Draco, now or never. Which way?” he asked the night. Nothing answered him, not even a soft trill of some bird. “Oh Fuck it, I’ve got nothing to lose,” he said as he turned right and began walking.
‘You could lose her,’ a voice in the back of his mind shouted at him.
‘I lost her a long time ago,’ he shouted back.
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A/N: Well, promised a little Remus didn’t I!?!? And why exactly did Hermione want to die???? Will we find out next chapter? Where is Draco going? Do we really know which side he is going to? Lol, I love to tease!
Chapters 3&4 of A Reason! Enjoy!
Chapter 3: Still My Reason
Author: Hafthand
Rating: PG
Summary: Draco on his brief encounter in the train
Disclaimer: If it was mine then I would be wearing really expensive shoes right now and not just my socks!
A.N: Well here it is. Draco’s point of view. This bit doesn’t reveal much, but god how I love the angst and uncertainty inside our favourite Slytherin. It is short and very vague, but it is meant as a set up! Thank you everyone who has reviewed! Talk about motivation. See end of chap for individual thank you’s!!
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I saw her once, just after Hogwarts. I know she saw me. How could I not? Her gaze was like fire the instant she caught sight of me sitting in the muggle train. It took all my willpower to not look at her, too not see her beautiful eyes staring back into mine. I had no doubt that she was wondering why the hell I was on a muggle train in the first place. Truth be told, I was wondering why she was even on it.
I had to fight hard not to meet her gaze so, I continued on as though I was reading the book before me, but I didn’t see the words. How could I concentrate on anything now that she was looking at me? Fear began to creep into my head, a cold fear that had not gripped me since at Hogwarts when I had given up so much so she could be happy. Happy without me. As far as I knew, she still had no idea about the past, about how close she came to dieing that night. As far as I knew, she had not thought about me since I left. As far as I knew, she still thought I was evil.
That night, as I had walked from the Great Hall, I knew then and there I would never return to Hogwart’s. My time there had ended and an unknown future had presented itself to me. I had not fled from the hall as I had thought I would have. No I had said my good-bye and walked out with my head high. But then what? What lay ahead for an orphaned wizard with no friends, no allies, and no hope? I didn’t know and I didn’t care.
I was no longer Lucius Malfoy’s prodigy son, Death Eater to be, but I was also no longer a student under the protective gaze of Dumbledore. My life was destined for the shadows now. I had to make sure no one knew. I had to make sure they thought I was dead. Dumbledore had made clear the importance of keeping certain things hidden, and he also made clear his wish that I could have stayed under his protection. It was impossible however, for me to have stayed at Hogwarts. There was a spy creeping the corridors of the school; a spy that had almost succeeded in its mission. We didn’t know who it was; oh I had my suspicions, but that’s all they were.
So I had erased the existence of a certain Draco Malfoy and had watched silently from the sidelines as the battle raged on, creeping my way through the rubble, neither side gaining much ground. I had heard all about the heroics of Potter and his little army, but I didn’t care. I had done the right thing. It had been worth it. She had been worth it. So, I was fine. Fine until I saw her picture in the paper once, and it was all I could do to not check on her. All I could do to not make sure she was okay. She had been smiling so happily, so care-free.
But, as ever, I knew I couldn’t intrude on that. When I had been younger, I used to dream that I would tell her the whole truth and that, upon seeing I wasn’t a monster, would grow to care for me, maybe even love me. Love. A feeling and a concept I had never known till her. A feeling that changed everything and nothing at the same time. I had often wondered what she would do if she had known that I, Draco Malfoy, pureblood, had fallen for her charms. She had become my reason. She became my conscience. But in the end I laughed at the childish idea. Love me? No one could do that, no matter what I had done for them. I was a Malfoy, love was not a concept I was supposed to understand. So instead I hide like a coward in the shadows.
Sadly, as my mind came back to the present, I knew I never wanted this train ride to end. I did not dare look at her, but even her mere presence had brought everything back for me. All too soon I could see her decide to approach me; I knew I had to flee. My stop was not for ages, but I couldn’t risk talking to her again. I don’t think I would have been able to walk away this time. So I rose from my seat and paid no attention to those around me as I made my way to the door. The train slowed and I could feel her getting closer. I was not to meet Miss Granger on this day, for all too soon the doors were opening and I was once again walking out of her life.
Then I heard her call out my name. “Draco!” So shocked was I at her use of my first name that I let my guard down and stopped. For a brief moment I had visions of what would happen if I were to just turn and acknowledge her presence. I saw us attempting to talk of past times like the friends we never were. I saw her asking me what had happened to me, and where I had been. All too soon I was once again remembering the look in her eye as I held her hand that night, long ago at Hogwarts. I remembered the questions in her brown eyes. I remembered the screams echoing from my father’s mouth. I remembered then, why I had left and not looked back. She was safe. To turn towards her now would ruin everything I had worked towards.
No, she can’t know I saw her. So I fumbled through my pockets looking for an imaginary object that upon finding allowed me to once again begin my exit from the station. I heard the doors close and thought it was over. Only this time I looked back. All reason had gone, everything I had just thought. I didn’t care if she caught me or not. I needed one last look. So I turned quickly and found the train disappearing through the tunnel. As quick as she had reentered my life she had left it again. But it’s okay. It had to be like this. I hadn’t seen her in ages, but she was still my reason. I turned and walked up the stairs happier then I had been in a very long time. A dark path lay before me, but none of that mattered now.
I saw her once, after Hogwarts. I should never have let her see me.
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Well folks? I know this was short and not very revealing, but I think I have an idea for this fic, so I am setting it up for what comes next. Notice the ominous last line!!??!! Hmmm may have to throw in some Remus in the future and maybe reveal a bit of what happened. Who knows??? I have plenty of time on my hands as I am now in Italy relaxing from school and work for a few months, so I can spend hours doing nothing. Instead I spend hours reading fanfic, eating good food, and finally writing some Harry Potter stuff!! Anywho, enough ranting.
Chapter 4: Put It Down To Malfoy Pride, Okay?
Rating is being changed since this is no longer a one-off to PG-13. Considering R but not yet!
A/N: Well all those reviews...(blushes) and here I thought this was going to be a one-off! Any who I hope you all like this chapter; I like it better then the last one. I am also trying to make the chapters longer so as to enhance reading pleasure! Look at end for personal thank you’s!!!
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He entered the dark muggle pub and let his eyes search the rather questionable clientele. It was a smoky, back alley pub with bad lighting, and even worse music. It was perfect for who he was hunting. He had been hunting him for a week with no luck until tonight. He saw his quarry and, making sure his hood sufficiently covered his face, stalked carefully toward his goal.
No one looked up from their drinks. No one bothered to take notice of the yellow fire his eyes possessed beneath his ragged cloak. No one let their eyes drift from their tables. But he didn’t think for one minute they weren’t all listening. He approached his prey and watched as the man threw back another drink, slamming the empty glass next to several others like it. He allowed a small smirk to tug at his lips as he pushed his way forward. Grabbing the seat next to the drunken man, he caught the attention of the bartender and signaled for a drink and sat down. The man next to him made no indication that he knew he was there.
Grabbing his drink from the ugliest bartender he had ever seen, he threw back the shot, slammed it to the table and turned towards the man. “She saw you, you know.”
Having expected some reaction, he was rather surprised when the man simply nodded and said, “I know,” his eyes never leaving the table.
“This causes a problem,” the hooded man said softly turning to signal the bartender for another drink.
“I thought it might.”
“Yet you let her see you?” his tired voice asked. “Draco, you should have-“
“I what?” Draco spat out, turning to look at the man for the first time. The fire in his eyes didn’t frighten the man, only shook him to his core. “I should have what?”
“Well dyed your hair for one,” the man said smiling slightly before knocking back another drink.
“Yeah well, put it down to Malfoy pride okay,” Draco replied, visibly relaxing, the fire in his eyes changing into a deep tiredness.
“Yeah, well your Malfoy pride has the ministry buzzing, not to mention other, unsavory groups.”
“She told on me,” Draco spluttered, almost as if he were thirteen again.
“No, no not really. She told Harry and Ron that she saw you on the train. You can imagine what happened from there.”
“Fuck Potter, and fuck Weasley as well. God-damnit. Should I be worried?” Draco asked looking unconcerned as he called over for another drink.
“Yes, yes I think you should,” the man answered, pushing his hood back and running his hand tiredly through his hair. He took a deep breath and asked, “Why didn’t you just turn away? Why let her see you after this long? You’ll have to run again, you know this, so why did you do it?”
Knocking back the shot Draco winced slightly as the hard liquor burned down his already raw throat. “Run. No, I am sick of running. No more running for this Malfoy.” When Draco saw the man was about to interrupt he continued quickly. “Why didn’t I turn away? Would you have been able to Remus? Would you? God, I just wanted to walk right up to her and, and, well I don’t know, but she was so close. Closer then she has been to me in a long time. I could have reached over and touched her she was that real to me.”
Remus Lupin glanced worriedly at the young man next to him and sighed. “You have been alone too long Draco. I think you are starting to lose it.”
“Yeah, well that makes two of us.” Draco threw his head into his hands and growled loud enough so that several patrons turned to look at him. “God how could I have been so stupid!”
“Love does funny things to people.”
“Oh, love huh? Is that what this is? I throw my life away cause some stupid, nerdy mudblood starts to grow on me a few years back? I turn my back on everyone and everything I knew just so she could live in blissful ignorance for the rest of her precious life? I kill my own flesh and blood for her knowing I will never get a thank you? Is this love Remus? Malfoy’s don’t love.” And though Draco’s words had been harsh, there had been no malice behind them. Remus could see that the young man before him, even after so long, had still not come to grips with the battle inside him. Remus didn’t think Draco ever would. He knew exactly what the young man was going through.
“Love is most certainly not my specialty any more then it is yours. But you did a wonderful thing for someone you should by all rights have despised. Now that, well that is something isn’t it. Even if she never knows, you saved her life and that forms a link, you know that,” Remus said softly as he stood up. Now that he had warned the young man, it was time to go. He reached over and placed a firm grip on Draco’s shoulder. “Whatever you decide to do, be careful. Don’t let her, or anyone else cloud your judgment.”
“You couldn’t have given me that advice years ago?” Draco asked sarcastically.
“Yeah well, you wouldn’t have listened then, and I truly doubt you’ll listen now.” Remus reached for his hood, pulling slowly over his head. “Be careful Draco. Reveal too much too soon, and you are asking for disaster. Take care.” Remus turned to go but was stopped by Draco’s voice.
“How did you find me anyway?”
“I hunted you. And you better believe if I can do it, so can they.” And with that Remus left the muggle pub and disappeared into the awaiting darkness knowing full well he would be seeing Draco Malfoy very soon. He was young, and young men often allow their hearts to rule their actions, even if they didn’t think they had a heart to begin with.
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Draco sat in the pub drinking for a long time after Remus had left him. What was he supposed to do now? What possibilities lay before him? They knew. They all knew he was alive and kicking now, she had seen to that. But what did it matter anyway? Wasn’t it about time he quit running, and step up with all the courage he used to brag about? But for which side? He practically laughed at that thought. It wasn’t like he had a choice; he had made sure of that years ago.
Throwing back another drink he allowed his mind to wander back into the past. He let his mind wander to when he had first really and truly seen her.
“Damnit Malfoy, get the fuck off me,” Hermione shrieked trying to push him away. Draco Malfoy had followed her after Arithmancy, one of the few times she was actually alone, and watched as she took a shortcut through deserted hallways. He had quickened his pace, grabbed her roughly by the arm and pushed her into an empty classroom. She had been so surprised she hadn’t had time too react. He had slammed the door, thrown her against the wall, and was currently pinning her to it with the whole of his body. She felt small underneath him, small, but strong.
She was fighting hard against him, but years of Quidditch had toned his fifteen-year-old body, and he barely budged. “Malfoy,” she shrieked, not in fear, but in anger.
“Shut up Mudblood,” he practically spat at her. He could see her wand beneath her robes and made quick work of throwing it across the room. Some of the fight went out of her for a moment after he did that, but then she redoubled her efforts. He grabbed her arms and pinned them against the wall by her head. He turned his heated and hateful gaze towards her and she stilled when his eyes met hers. She hadn’t expected the intensity of his look, and frankly it frightened her.
Now that she had stilled, Malfoy let his eyes take her all in. Her bushy hair, petite face, small chest, boyish hips. He could not understand what the hell was so goddamned special about her. He continued staring at her for several minutes trying to find something, anything about her that could account for her strength, her intelligence. He finally brought his eyes back up to hers and saw the fear had gone only to be replaced by curiosity. Damn her and her Gryffindor courage. He was her better; she should be trembling in fear.
He leaned in and whispered harshly in her ear, “Tell me something, Mudblood. What makes you so goddamned special? What gives you the right to walk through these halls with your head held so high? You are nothing but dirt, you know that? Filthy and soiled. How is it that someone with your dirty blood, can achieve what you have? How is it that you feel you can walk where purebloods walk?”
“Jealous Malfoy? Daddy been hard on you cause your grades aren’t up to par? Mummy embarrassed caused her little prince is being shown up by a Mudblood?” Hermione spat back at him. A rage began burning in her eyes. A rage that almost made him drop her then and there and turn around. But he had a mission to do, and he wasn’t going to let anything change that. “You know nothing about me and nothing about my blood. We are all the same you stupid git, open your eyes and stop being brainwashed.” She said this so matter-of-factly that Malfoy knew she thought he was toying with her. Knew she thought he would never hurt her. Well, he would just have to take her down a peg or two.
Before she could see what he was doing, Malfoy reached into his own robes and pulled out a small silver dagger. The light from the torches in the classroom reflected off the surface of the blade, causing it to gleam brilliantly. Malfoy stared at the simple dagger wondering what it would feel like entering his skin. He wondered whether it would hurt much. He was brought out of his trance by her sharp intake of breath. He smiled maliciously, though his eyes remained blank, and brought the blade to her throat.
“Know nothing about you? I don’t need to know anything about you, you filthy bitch. I know enough. Father gave this to me,” he said glancing at the dagger, not daring to look into her eyes. He had never killed, never cut someone open and watched them bleed. He knew he was capable; it was something he had been born to do. The light playing off the blade seemed so very bright and inviting to him. He slowly lifted the blade from her throat and held it before him. The sharp blade mesmerized him. How easy to end it all right here. No more thoughts, no more scars, no more of anything.
It was her silence, more than anything, that finally made him meet her eyes. She should have been quivering in fear, she should have been crying, or screaming, or doing anything else except what she was. He saw her staring at the blade, watching the light play off its gentle edge. He saw her eyes stare invitingly at it. He saw her eyes practically begging him to do it. Thoughts ran through Draco’s head in a flash, ‘It couldn’t possibly mean... but Granger was... miss perfect... Father said... She wants me to cut her, no she wants me to kill her!’
He stumbled backwards with the force of that realization, her eyes still on the dagger. He looked at her and he knew then. He knew it to his very core. He knew she was just like him; blood aside, she was just like him. He fled. He didn’t look back, didn’t care whom he ran over, Draco Malfoy fled for his life. He had thought he had her figured out, he had thought he knew exactly what she was. But that had all changed. And as he ran from her, that is when he started to fall. That is when it all started to go horribly wrong.
He shook himself from his memories and stared at the empty glasses before him. He had seen a truth in her eyes that night that had never allowed him to look at her the same way again. He had never found out why she hadn’t backed down from the blade, which he had thrown out, as far as he could, into the lake on the grounds and hadn’t seen it since. “Arg, you’re a fool Malfoy,” he growled out loud. The heads of several patrons around him turned towards him. He caught their looks and they backed down at the fierceness in his eyes.
He reached into his pocket and threw down some muggle money without looking to see how much. He got up from his stool and walked through the smoke-filled pub and out the door into the darkness. He paused then and looked down the road and then up the other way. Dark and fog both ways. “Well Draco, now or never. Which way?” he asked the night. Nothing answered him, not even a soft trill of some bird. “Oh Fuck it, I’ve got nothing to lose,” he said as he turned right and began walking.
‘You could lose her,’ a voice in the back of his mind shouted at him.
‘I lost her a long time ago,’ he shouted back.
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A/N: Well, promised a little Remus didn’t I!?!? And why exactly did Hermione want to die???? Will we find out next chapter? Where is Draco going? Do we really know which side he is going to? Lol, I love to tease!