Not a machine! Overthinking it and more
I've been bothering my mind for a while now. It's probably a good thing, since for a while I did not have time to stop and think. Don't think I might reach any real answers in this post. I've noticed I think more through writing, so we both know as much as to where this 'philosophy' practise ends up.
Anyway, I've been thinking, yes narcistically enough, myself. I've been wondering what makes me me. Is it the family, is it where I live, where I was born, from where I come from or where I am going? Is it my face, my body, my clothes, the make up I might wear, my likes and dislikes, or how others see me?
What makes this problematic is the fact that I see myself as the basic being, the zero. To myself, I'm perfectly normal, the rest are different. I've become blind to myself, and I can't see faults and mistakes or my good sides without mirroring it. Only by hearing others feedback can I make sure what I actually am.
So am I other people's opinions? It's true I might try to grow to the direction people advice me to, as I can't fully trust myself on all things, but yet I can not accept that. It can't be true.
When I turn this over and think about the people I know, thinking what makes them them. First thing that comes to mind is their appearance, what they like, the little history I know about of them and time spent with them. But I know awfully well I'm no good when it comes to judging people, and I do not know everything. Who knows what kind of scars have made them the people they are, or what are their goals in life. I do not know enough to define them. Not even my siblings, who I've known through out their lives. The way I see them is not what makes them them, neither do my feedback or comments. Or can I even know that? Words can have a surprising effect on people.
But basically, we humans are just the same. There are different behaviour patterns, but we all know people can behave alike, and even reach out to people like them. And it seems like some of us don't even try to be inviduals, but part of the set crowd or group in which they hope for acceptance. Yet they still are someone, to some extent, there's no way to get rid of that. It's hard to start over. You can't erase what you are. You can move out of the country, change your name, and yet things stay the same.
A simple example:
For few times now, I've ended up in enviroments where no one knows me. I've acted differently, as these meetings have been in the different phases of my life. I've been unsure, confident, loud, overactive and passive. But after a week or two, or a month or so, be it the internet, the real life, school, work or free time, I end up being teased. It's friendly teasing, mostly, but it happens every time. It doesn't matter if I lead several projects. Or if I'm the oldest in the group. Every time, teasing. I've been explained it's because of my face, that I make so many funny faces that to not to tease me is a crime. And yet thid doesn't explain the internet. People seem to react to me the same way, no matter what I do, so what in me is so defined that makes people I meet, in the internet and IRL, act this way? Some explain it as aura, but what is that aura?
What makes me me, it's clear it can not just be a one thing. I've changed and grown, and some major things in me have changed, yet it's still me. Is it the name? My history, appearance, likes and dislikes combined?
I did think about this before, despite how stupid it might sound. My last year's nano (which sadly did not reach 50000 words) did also touch upon this subject, but when I start writing that book again, I'll be returning to this question once again. Hopefully with success!
And if you happen to have any thoughts upon this matter, I'd gladly hear them. Even "That's just stupid, stop thinking that" counts.